"what now Lord?"
"Trust. Trust."
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
passion
It has been a long winter..but I almost saw the sun.
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
Monday, February 11, 2008
not today
I don't feel good today. I haven't been feeling good for some time now. I don't know if the stress in my life is making me physically sick, but lately I haven't felt well. My stomach hurts almost daily now and I get a migraine about once a week. I got one last night again. They suck more than anything. Thank God for my meds although they don't last forever.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
17 years and no introduction
I just read one of the saddest letters. I received it from my brother yesterday. My sister has started a conversation with us about our parents death. Specifically my mother. Both of my parents were tragically killed when I had just turned 19. My brother was 16, my sister 27. Their birthdays are in October so they weren't their year older yet. My sister contemplating life and battling depression has realized she misses and needs my mom. A hole that will never be filled. My brother in turn has communicated his hurts of how much he missed out on without parents. "I've lived more of a life without them then with them. I've never introduced them to a girlfriend or had an adult conversation with them. They never knew me.". Both letters were heart breaking to me. I believe I have dealt with my parents death for the most part. I know I will always miss them and always need them, but I have been SO very lucky to have TONS of people surrounding me that have helped me through these times. My sister and brother are not as social and have had a harder time creating these worlds. Maybe it's not about being social, maybe it was just luck. My brother reminds me in his letter that although things might seem depressing right now, they will change. They always do. He is right. My life has changed so much in the past 10 years. Not better, not worse, just changed. I have realized although the place where you are now might seem like the worst hell you could possibly be in, there could always be something worse, so be careful what you proclaim.
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
daily subject: food
What do you eat that is healthy? What kinds of foods did you eat growing up? What diet are you on now? What do you think healthy eating is?
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
daily subject: school
What have you had to give up to get a good education? Do you know anyone who was home schooled? What courses did you study and how large were your class loads? Describe some of the experiences that you had.
I went to Central Michigan University my second year out of high school. I was going to attend Lansing Community College, but my financial stuff fell through at the last minute. It led to a horrible fight between my mother and I. So I worked 3 jobs (Meijer, Newspaper, Heritage Chrysler) for a year and finally started college at Central. My parents died a week before classes started, so that didn't lead to a very good semester. Day after day of parties, I barely passed. I actually felt good though because Michelle, my roommate got on academic probation and I partied more than she did. But, by the grace of God 2 years later (3 years out of high school) I was recruited by a guy from Michigan Christian College. It was 3 hours away and I couldn't imagine going to a place where there were Christians. Especially Christian men. I had a few friends that went there and so I looked into it. I ended up transferring mid-semester. But the thing I had to give up was SO hard. My family. I was living with my brother and best friend at the time. I had to leave them both. It was so hard to leave, but I knew I had to get out of my current situation. Things were never as fun as those years I lived with them both, but I had to turn a page. The rest of my life was totally changed because of that decision.
I know lots of people who were and are home schooled. Some of my best friends were home schooled and they are some of the most creative people I have ever met. My nephew is home schooled and doing great. It's not for everyone, but it is great for others.
My class loads were typically around 15 credit hours a week. I did pull 21 my last semester of college and got all A's, something I am very proud of. It was the ONLY semester in my life that happened, so I was excited. But I studied all things from business to music to astronomy. I loved accounting but didn't go into it because I found my professor nice, yet boring. Not a very good teacher. I learned to study my last semester and had wished I would have learned it years before. I wish it was a requirement that all freshman take a class that teaches you how to study and research. It wouldn't help everyone, but it would have made a world of difference to me.
To many experiences to write about. From boys to Tau to devo's to taco bell runs...so much fun. Just read my journals. On second thought, don't.
I went to Central Michigan University my second year out of high school. I was going to attend Lansing Community College, but my financial stuff fell through at the last minute. It led to a horrible fight between my mother and I. So I worked 3 jobs (Meijer, Newspaper, Heritage Chrysler) for a year and finally started college at Central. My parents died a week before classes started, so that didn't lead to a very good semester. Day after day of parties, I barely passed. I actually felt good though because Michelle, my roommate got on academic probation and I partied more than she did. But, by the grace of God 2 years later (3 years out of high school) I was recruited by a guy from Michigan Christian College. It was 3 hours away and I couldn't imagine going to a place where there were Christians. Especially Christian men. I had a few friends that went there and so I looked into it. I ended up transferring mid-semester. But the thing I had to give up was SO hard. My family. I was living with my brother and best friend at the time. I had to leave them both. It was so hard to leave, but I knew I had to get out of my current situation. Things were never as fun as those years I lived with them both, but I had to turn a page. The rest of my life was totally changed because of that decision.
I know lots of people who were and are home schooled. Some of my best friends were home schooled and they are some of the most creative people I have ever met. My nephew is home schooled and doing great. It's not for everyone, but it is great for others.
My class loads were typically around 15 credit hours a week. I did pull 21 my last semester of college and got all A's, something I am very proud of. It was the ONLY semester in my life that happened, so I was excited. But I studied all things from business to music to astronomy. I loved accounting but didn't go into it because I found my professor nice, yet boring. Not a very good teacher. I learned to study my last semester and had wished I would have learned it years before. I wish it was a requirement that all freshman take a class that teaches you how to study and research. It wouldn't help everyone, but it would have made a world of difference to me.
To many experiences to write about. From boys to Tau to devo's to taco bell runs...so much fun. Just read my journals. On second thought, don't.
what are the chances?
What are the chances that I would be given $1.00 for every time I said, "what are the chances?". Not high this time.
I was at Target trying to replace a dvd that I bought there earlier this month. I got to the end of the dvd and there was a scratch and I couldn't finish the disc. So I knew I didn't have a receipt because I bought it with cash, but I figured it was damaged so they would just switch it out. So much for my thinking. I found out there is some sort of policy where if you don't have your receipt for a purchase they "can't" do anything for you. So I was SO upset. I thought surely the manager of Target can either switch out my dvd or give me my money back or at the very least a rain check so I can buy it again at the sale price. "sorry, I wish there was something I could do.". wow. wow. wow. wow. It wasn't this girls fault, but she picked the wrong day to upset me. I must admit I got more upset as I went on because she kept saying "sorry" with a blank face on. I finally asked her to stop saying sorry because it was only upsetting me more. He words were not action and I couldn't believe they were telling me I paid $20 bucks for nothing. I was SUPER upset. So I went home and made a few calls and got no where, resolving to wait until Monday to handle it. It was Saturday.
Sunday we decided to go to the movies. It was a late movie starting at 9pm. When we got out we found ourselves in a winter wonderland as it had snowed 4-5 inches in just an hour and a half. We decided to eat at Fridays since it was so late and it was close. No one was there, we had the place to ourselves and it was a lovely dinner. Drew and Adam were sitting next to one another and I was facing them. They were facing the door and that's how they could see the manager of Target coming in to sit right behind us. WOW. "What are the chances?" I asked myself. Of all people to tromps out into the snow in the middle of the night half way across the city. We contemplated what to do since if we left she would know for sure it was us. So I decided to send her some spin dip and tell her sorry for getting upset. The waitress served it to them and I got up to talk. She was instantly in manager mode again and she looked a bit scared. I didn't blame her, I was really upset. I knew it wasn't her fault and she did do a good job handling me. But she still didn't help me! I said good-bye and realized she never said thanks for the app. Now I am really mad. But I decided to let it go and know that the crazy things happen for a reason. God wanted me to do something, to interact with her, and so I did. I just had to shake my head and wish that was one more dollar coming towards me.
I was at Target trying to replace a dvd that I bought there earlier this month. I got to the end of the dvd and there was a scratch and I couldn't finish the disc. So I knew I didn't have a receipt because I bought it with cash, but I figured it was damaged so they would just switch it out. So much for my thinking. I found out there is some sort of policy where if you don't have your receipt for a purchase they "can't" do anything for you. So I was SO upset. I thought surely the manager of Target can either switch out my dvd or give me my money back or at the very least a rain check so I can buy it again at the sale price. "sorry, I wish there was something I could do.". wow. wow. wow. wow. It wasn't this girls fault, but she picked the wrong day to upset me. I must admit I got more upset as I went on because she kept saying "sorry" with a blank face on. I finally asked her to stop saying sorry because it was only upsetting me more. He words were not action and I couldn't believe they were telling me I paid $20 bucks for nothing. I was SUPER upset. So I went home and made a few calls and got no where, resolving to wait until Monday to handle it. It was Saturday.
Sunday we decided to go to the movies. It was a late movie starting at 9pm. When we got out we found ourselves in a winter wonderland as it had snowed 4-5 inches in just an hour and a half. We decided to eat at Fridays since it was so late and it was close. No one was there, we had the place to ourselves and it was a lovely dinner. Drew and Adam were sitting next to one another and I was facing them. They were facing the door and that's how they could see the manager of Target coming in to sit right behind us. WOW. "What are the chances?" I asked myself. Of all people to tromps out into the snow in the middle of the night half way across the city. We contemplated what to do since if we left she would know for sure it was us. So I decided to send her some spin dip and tell her sorry for getting upset. The waitress served it to them and I got up to talk. She was instantly in manager mode again and she looked a bit scared. I didn't blame her, I was really upset. I knew it wasn't her fault and she did do a good job handling me. But she still didn't help me! I said good-bye and realized she never said thanks for the app. Now I am really mad. But I decided to let it go and know that the crazy things happen for a reason. God wanted me to do something, to interact with her, and so I did. I just had to shake my head and wish that was one more dollar coming towards me.
Monday, February 04, 2008
daily subject: sports (ugh)
What sporting event would you like to win or be a part of winning? How often do you play sports? What sports teams have you been a part of? How good are you and what story can you tell us about jogging?
Well, I must admit I am a closet sports person. I actually LOVE going to sporting events. I love the outdoors and I love to be at a baseball game, basket ball game, football, hockey (although I've never been to a hockey game...I know, can you believe it?), dodgeball, or whatever. I can honestly say I don't like watching golf though. But I do like playing it. I've only played a few times but it's pretty fun. The problem with all of this is I don't have people that are close to me that like to do these things. I don't like to follow the series of things, like the pistons etc. I don't have favorites, although I can see how I could love Chicago Cubs or New York Yankees before others. I like feeling like a fan. But again, my husband isn't a sports guy, or an event guy so I've never been to one with him. It's a small price to pay since we have so many other things that I love to do in common. I usually get to see one baseball game a year. Which I think is pretty good for me. Oh, and I've only been to a Cubs game, that's the only major baseball team I've seen. I have a thought to believe that minor baseball is more fun, and less expensive, but I don't know.
I played softball when I was in high school and although I loved it, I didn't continue because I was afraid of the senior girls. They were big and scary to me, so I wimped out. I liked volleyball ok and almost tried out for that, but growing up it was hard to find rides to school for practice. We lived about 5 miles out of town and my parents really didn't want to bother with extra activities.
As for jogging, I hate jogging. But there is something about a good run that makes you feel good when you're done and helps clear your mind a bit. I wish SO BAD I had a tread mill so I could run everyday. Running on the road gets tricky for me. I hate finding the time, taking showers, having smelly clothes in my suitcase etc. Those could just be excuses, but I still hate it. I could see jogging becoming something I like more and more. I will always remember my jog on the beach with zac and ryan. It seems there might have been someone else there too, but I forget who. It was after dark and we all went for a run together. They are both experienced runners so it was a bit embarrassing for me, but they are so kind and awesome. I remember feeling cool and good about myself being out there with them that night. The waves crashing, people walking the beach, it was awesome.
Well, I must admit I am a closet sports person. I actually LOVE going to sporting events. I love the outdoors and I love to be at a baseball game, basket ball game, football, hockey (although I've never been to a hockey game...I know, can you believe it?), dodgeball, or whatever. I can honestly say I don't like watching golf though. But I do like playing it. I've only played a few times but it's pretty fun. The problem with all of this is I don't have people that are close to me that like to do these things. I don't like to follow the series of things, like the pistons etc. I don't have favorites, although I can see how I could love Chicago Cubs or New York Yankees before others. I like feeling like a fan. But again, my husband isn't a sports guy, or an event guy so I've never been to one with him. It's a small price to pay since we have so many other things that I love to do in common. I usually get to see one baseball game a year. Which I think is pretty good for me. Oh, and I've only been to a Cubs game, that's the only major baseball team I've seen. I have a thought to believe that minor baseball is more fun, and less expensive, but I don't know.
I played softball when I was in high school and although I loved it, I didn't continue because I was afraid of the senior girls. They were big and scary to me, so I wimped out. I liked volleyball ok and almost tried out for that, but growing up it was hard to find rides to school for practice. We lived about 5 miles out of town and my parents really didn't want to bother with extra activities.
As for jogging, I hate jogging. But there is something about a good run that makes you feel good when you're done and helps clear your mind a bit. I wish SO BAD I had a tread mill so I could run everyday. Running on the road gets tricky for me. I hate finding the time, taking showers, having smelly clothes in my suitcase etc. Those could just be excuses, but I still hate it. I could see jogging becoming something I like more and more. I will always remember my jog on the beach with zac and ryan. It seems there might have been someone else there too, but I forget who. It was after dark and we all went for a run together. They are both experienced runners so it was a bit embarrassing for me, but they are so kind and awesome. I remember feeling cool and good about myself being out there with them that night. The waves crashing, people walking the beach, it was awesome.
a new push
so...I have decided to once again try to push myself into writing daily. I am not sure why I feel it is important, as many days I for sure don't see myself as a writer, but only as a confused person with a lot of thoughts rolling around up there. But, none the less, I have decided to answer questions which another site has generated for me. The questions and content wont be that deep or even interesting, but I thought I would give it a shot. At least it will keep me off crappy sites that fill my head with mush like myspace and facebook. ok, here we go...
Friday, February 01, 2008
depressed..unmotivated...uninspired
That's how I feel today. I don't feel inspired about anything, and I feel I am losing myself in this house. Most days I see and know being here is a blessing, but today, I feel it is a prison. I haven't seen my family or friends in awhile and I honestly don't feel like seeing them. I am broke, and in debt. I have no way of working out so I feel over weight. In a lot of ways I just feel stuck.
however...
The snow is falling as I write this and it is so beautiful. The fireplace is on and the furnace is fixed and working. There is java in my cup, not just java but starbucks from my awesome brother at christmas. I will eat salmon tonight and although I am out of diet coke and have been for some time, there is still vita-water to drink. I went to the library yesterday and it took me a bit because I went to the wrong library to get my card. At least I know where they both are now, but even the two library's in town put together didn't make a library as good as Canton's. sigh...I miss my home.
I guess doing my books today has made me feel hopeless. God promises to take care of those He loves, and he is doing just that. I just wish I was smarter and wiser and didn't make decisions based on making other people feel good. I am learning so much. At least I hope I am. I would hate to think that all this time has been wasted.
however...
The snow is falling as I write this and it is so beautiful. The fireplace is on and the furnace is fixed and working. There is java in my cup, not just java but starbucks from my awesome brother at christmas. I will eat salmon tonight and although I am out of diet coke and have been for some time, there is still vita-water to drink. I went to the library yesterday and it took me a bit because I went to the wrong library to get my card. At least I know where they both are now, but even the two library's in town put together didn't make a library as good as Canton's. sigh...I miss my home.
I guess doing my books today has made me feel hopeless. God promises to take care of those He loves, and he is doing just that. I just wish I was smarter and wiser and didn't make decisions based on making other people feel good. I am learning so much. At least I hope I am. I would hate to think that all this time has been wasted.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
My first Chrismukkah
It is well past new years now, but our holiday season is well over. This year it started early as we celebrated Hanukkah with adam. I learned a lot about the Jewish 8 day celebration. I had no idea it was a celebration of a miracle. For 8 days oil lit the lamp in the temple that was destroyed. There was only enough oil for a day or so, but God kept the light burning. Now the Jews celebrate what God did for them by lighting a light every day for 8 days. They say a beautiful blessing and eat special foods. The celebrate by giving one gift each day to their children. We ate jelly donuts and potato pancakes and drank wine. Being a Christian, it was interesting to be a part of a holiday that lasts 8 days. I have read about those types of holidays in the old testament and I always wondered what that would be like. I think God really liked to party. 8 days to celebrate a small miracle like oil.
Last week I was outside praying about Adam and what God wants for him. I was praying that we would have another discussion about God, Jesus and heaven. I went inside to discover drew having that very talk with him. He was telling him about Jesus and why we believe he is the Messiah. I couldn't believe it! After a long conversation, drew wanted to anoint him with oil. Drew has a small flask of oil that he has in his backpack. I went upstairs to greet drew's parents while drew spent prayer time with adam. When I got back downstairs adam asked me if I had filled drew's flask. I told him no. Then he reminded me that drew had anointed him when we lived at kirkridge and after that the oil spilled on the floor. The flask was empty.
I looked at Adam as he was bewildered and a bit freaked out that now the flask was full. Neither he nor drew or I put oil in the flask, yet it was full to the top. We told adam God wanted to get his attention. That He was present and had wonderful things for him. That he is special and picked by God for something special. Adam was soaking it all in. What better way to celebrate 8 days of miraculous light, then to have an actual miracle happen, with oil, to someone who needed one.
Merry Chrismukkah.
Last week I was outside praying about Adam and what God wants for him. I was praying that we would have another discussion about God, Jesus and heaven. I went inside to discover drew having that very talk with him. He was telling him about Jesus and why we believe he is the Messiah. I couldn't believe it! After a long conversation, drew wanted to anoint him with oil. Drew has a small flask of oil that he has in his backpack. I went upstairs to greet drew's parents while drew spent prayer time with adam. When I got back downstairs adam asked me if I had filled drew's flask. I told him no. Then he reminded me that drew had anointed him when we lived at kirkridge and after that the oil spilled on the floor. The flask was empty.
I looked at Adam as he was bewildered and a bit freaked out that now the flask was full. Neither he nor drew or I put oil in the flask, yet it was full to the top. We told adam God wanted to get his attention. That He was present and had wonderful things for him. That he is special and picked by God for something special. Adam was soaking it all in. What better way to celebrate 8 days of miraculous light, then to have an actual miracle happen, with oil, to someone who needed one.
Merry Chrismukkah.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
here we are
1654....this is where we now live. Well, we sort of live here. I mean we have 3 suitcases which are opened and our clothes linger from one end of the piano to the other, the bathroom has our toiletry bags and enough shampoo to last until march, we have found ourselves in a routine. A routine. Does that mean we are "home"?
Every day I wake up and wonder what will be different from yesterday. I am so lost in reality tv and diet coke that I am not sure what day it is. truly. Truly it is. That is what we hear at dinner from my step-father-in-law. Waskally Wabbit is what I hear from my mother-in-law. She constantly refers to me as either the "lady Kathlene" or my daughter-BY-law. She thinks IN law has some sort of bad taste to it. So every time I meet someone new she has to say BY law but then explain why she says BY law and eventually tells them I am not an IN law, which makes for a long conversation that means nothing. Kind of like head lettuce. It is part of a hamburger but it means nothing, it tastes like nothing, and it has no purpose. It is just there taking up space.
I am a piece of lettuce.
I haven't written much lately. I haven't talked much lately. I haven't done much of anything except cry, drink, and eat GF cookies and bread. Lou keeps making "adams potato's" and "adams cake" and "adams squash" so I guess i have been benefiting a bit from adams favorite things. It's not all bad. Actually, not much of it is bad. Except the games that go on in my head forcing me to take hour long showers wondering why I would go and have coffee with people I don't really care about.
I think I am in the hour of think. Our publisher wrote me today and said she wants to name our next book, "Think again". Which honestly, I kind of like. I want to respond, "will it say, 'things that make you go, hmmm again' too?" But maybe God is telling me to think again. Have you ever wondered whether or not Mother Theresa was selfish? Her whole life was based on living for other people. Was there one day that she just felt like SHE wanted something for a change? Is it healthy for a person to live with total sacrifice to others? Can they truly be happy with that? Does serving another human (or several of them) actually fulfill all of your needs? Does anything fulfill all of your needs?
What is love?
What does it look like? Is it visible? We watch tv and movies and we see people showing "love" to one another, but what does that mean? The outward appearance of what we feel love looks like. Our eyes judge the movement of a color and we put a title to it calling it a deep feeling. It is nothing. It is deception. What is actually real?
What is truth?
We believe in something as simple as our parents words. We grow knowing so strongly that these frail humans wouldn't lie to us. Not to us, their own flesh and blood. Yet, "little" lies about santa lead to big lies about infidelity and secrets yet revealed. Everyone has secrets, right? Isn't that what we are told? WHAT IS THAT??? You know, I don't have secrets. Not that I am aware of. There are things I don't fashionably tell the public, but that doesn't make it a secret. I would tell someone, someone i trusted....trusted....that would mean they wouldn't have secrets either. But how do you know if someone really doesn't have any secrets? If they tell you they don't and you believe them, they could be covering up the fact that they do. And if they do, they would tell you they don't. So, what's the point of relationships and communicating? It seems everything should remain as shallow as possible. Then we would all just get our chicken and mashed potatoes and we call it a day.
I have been here for 49 days. D and I once discussed the longest we could possibly stay is 3 days. That was the max before our heads exploded. But, here we are, 49 days later, heads still intact. 1654 is a blessing in SO many ways. It is good for one, it is good for all. But I am tired. Not tired like I need to sleep in until 1pm everyday. No, that is already happening. more like tired of this waiting. Tired of this wandering. How long do you think someone has to wait for happiness? Do you think Christians should find their inner joy in Christ, yet suffer outwardly "for God"? A friend said, "What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with enjoying the things God gave us here on earth?".....what is wrong with that? I am not sure.
I know we are all called to something different. I am called to D.H.S. I know that. I could easier cut off my arm then explain what he means to me.
It's just that simple isn't it?
How far would you go for someone that you told not only yourself, but hundreds of other witnesses "for rich or poor, in sickness and health, till death.." ugh. What kind of death? Did anyone explain what that meant? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Death. That's a strong word. A strong commitment. I mean, to stick with someone until physical death... But if one is going through something so hard that it causes them mental ills or spiritual ills, what then? The other should help. Death is death. A promise was sealed with a kiss. Several kisses. in front of hundreds.
No lights. No tree. No presents neatly wrapped. This year we are happy to be warm and have food every day. The past 4 or so years have been a progression to this moment. Like a dark movie, the end is brought nearer with each scene showing less of what makes us live. less of our youth. less fantasy. less purpose. less life. All strung around the hope that tomorrow an old man will hit a rock and water will gush out. A miracle. I hoped for a hanukkah miracle....none. Lots of signs point you to the direction of your destination. But without movement, you will never arrive.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I used to play with my cousins paint set. i forget what they are called but they go in circles and you add paint to a pointer thing and it puts different colors on the paper as it spins in a circle. It continues to do this as long as you want until you are finished with your picture. Then you have layer after layer of color and circles. This is what my mind is right now. Layer after layer of colorful circles. I'm trying to figure out where they started, or better yet, where they end. ...what is it that I really want?
what is REALLY possible?
What things in life are worth the sacrifice?
Every day I wake up and wonder what will be different from yesterday. I am so lost in reality tv and diet coke that I am not sure what day it is. truly. Truly it is. That is what we hear at dinner from my step-father-in-law. Waskally Wabbit is what I hear from my mother-in-law. She constantly refers to me as either the "lady Kathlene" or my daughter-BY-law. She thinks IN law has some sort of bad taste to it. So every time I meet someone new she has to say BY law but then explain why she says BY law and eventually tells them I am not an IN law, which makes for a long conversation that means nothing. Kind of like head lettuce. It is part of a hamburger but it means nothing, it tastes like nothing, and it has no purpose. It is just there taking up space.
I am a piece of lettuce.
I haven't written much lately. I haven't talked much lately. I haven't done much of anything except cry, drink, and eat GF cookies and bread. Lou keeps making "adams potato's" and "adams cake" and "adams squash" so I guess i have been benefiting a bit from adams favorite things. It's not all bad. Actually, not much of it is bad. Except the games that go on in my head forcing me to take hour long showers wondering why I would go and have coffee with people I don't really care about.
I think I am in the hour of think. Our publisher wrote me today and said she wants to name our next book, "Think again". Which honestly, I kind of like. I want to respond, "will it say, 'things that make you go, hmmm again' too?" But maybe God is telling me to think again. Have you ever wondered whether or not Mother Theresa was selfish? Her whole life was based on living for other people. Was there one day that she just felt like SHE wanted something for a change? Is it healthy for a person to live with total sacrifice to others? Can they truly be happy with that? Does serving another human (or several of them) actually fulfill all of your needs? Does anything fulfill all of your needs?
What is love?
What does it look like? Is it visible? We watch tv and movies and we see people showing "love" to one another, but what does that mean? The outward appearance of what we feel love looks like. Our eyes judge the movement of a color and we put a title to it calling it a deep feeling. It is nothing. It is deception. What is actually real?
What is truth?
We believe in something as simple as our parents words. We grow knowing so strongly that these frail humans wouldn't lie to us. Not to us, their own flesh and blood. Yet, "little" lies about santa lead to big lies about infidelity and secrets yet revealed. Everyone has secrets, right? Isn't that what we are told? WHAT IS THAT??? You know, I don't have secrets. Not that I am aware of. There are things I don't fashionably tell the public, but that doesn't make it a secret. I would tell someone, someone i trusted....trusted....that would mean they wouldn't have secrets either. But how do you know if someone really doesn't have any secrets? If they tell you they don't and you believe them, they could be covering up the fact that they do. And if they do, they would tell you they don't. So, what's the point of relationships and communicating? It seems everything should remain as shallow as possible. Then we would all just get our chicken and mashed potatoes and we call it a day.
I have been here for 49 days. D and I once discussed the longest we could possibly stay is 3 days. That was the max before our heads exploded. But, here we are, 49 days later, heads still intact. 1654 is a blessing in SO many ways. It is good for one, it is good for all. But I am tired. Not tired like I need to sleep in until 1pm everyday. No, that is already happening. more like tired of this waiting. Tired of this wandering. How long do you think someone has to wait for happiness? Do you think Christians should find their inner joy in Christ, yet suffer outwardly "for God"? A friend said, "What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with enjoying the things God gave us here on earth?".....what is wrong with that? I am not sure.
I know we are all called to something different. I am called to D.H.S. I know that. I could easier cut off my arm then explain what he means to me.
It's just that simple isn't it?
How far would you go for someone that you told not only yourself, but hundreds of other witnesses "for rich or poor, in sickness and health, till death.." ugh. What kind of death? Did anyone explain what that meant? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Death. That's a strong word. A strong commitment. I mean, to stick with someone until physical death... But if one is going through something so hard that it causes them mental ills or spiritual ills, what then? The other should help. Death is death. A promise was sealed with a kiss. Several kisses. in front of hundreds.
No lights. No tree. No presents neatly wrapped. This year we are happy to be warm and have food every day. The past 4 or so years have been a progression to this moment. Like a dark movie, the end is brought nearer with each scene showing less of what makes us live. less of our youth. less fantasy. less purpose. less life. All strung around the hope that tomorrow an old man will hit a rock and water will gush out. A miracle. I hoped for a hanukkah miracle....none. Lots of signs point you to the direction of your destination. But without movement, you will never arrive.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I used to play with my cousins paint set. i forget what they are called but they go in circles and you add paint to a pointer thing and it puts different colors on the paper as it spins in a circle. It continues to do this as long as you want until you are finished with your picture. Then you have layer after layer of color and circles. This is what my mind is right now. Layer after layer of colorful circles. I'm trying to figure out where they started, or better yet, where they end. ...what is it that I really want?
what is REALLY possible?
What things in life are worth the sacrifice?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
30 days...3,000,000 things
how is it that in just a few years you can go from a one bedroom apartment to a 3 bedroom townhouse mess. As I sit in my kitchen (one of my favorite places) and look around I feel a bit overwhelmed. this kitchen has brought me such happiness. Many Thanksgiving and Easter dinners, friends up late drinking coffee, making tea on cold winter nights, watching eden crawl, then walk, then butter her own bread. the time goes by so very fast. I am finally getting out of this place, for real. Only 30 days left here and now I am feeling sentimental. This place really has been a HUGE blessing my life. And we have been able to bless others so much with staying here as well. But I am feeling ready for a change. I am ready to get rid of my 15th cookbook and just use the one I always cook out of. I almost want to rid myself of all those recipies in the box that I never use for they all have sugar and wheat in the ingredience.
one thing I know for sure, i am getting rid of lots of stuff. Washer and Dryer, table and chairs (lots of chairs), old rugs, magazines and magnets....blankets, boxes of just decorative things to put on your wall. So much that I don't have enough walls to put them on! --seriously-- I need to live simply. Is this possible for me? I thought living here, that I would live simply. But it seems the more room you have, the more stuff you get and you can't give away faster than you accumulate in this country. America, its strange. So...I have 30 days to figure out if I will ever watch that old tape of me performing My Fair Lady (not really) and decide if I really should keep it or not.
This stuff is making my heart hurt. And using up all of my air to breath. I just have to give it up. The real question is, can i?
one thing I know for sure, i am getting rid of lots of stuff. Washer and Dryer, table and chairs (lots of chairs), old rugs, magazines and magnets....blankets, boxes of just decorative things to put on your wall. So much that I don't have enough walls to put them on! --seriously-- I need to live simply. Is this possible for me? I thought living here, that I would live simply. But it seems the more room you have, the more stuff you get and you can't give away faster than you accumulate in this country. America, its strange. So...I have 30 days to figure out if I will ever watch that old tape of me performing My Fair Lady (not really) and decide if I really should keep it or not.
This stuff is making my heart hurt. And using up all of my air to breath. I just have to give it up. The real question is, can i?
Monday, August 20, 2007
I guess having aids makes you want to make out
So..as a friend told me this past week, most of my writings have been downers. I guess I didn't realize it, and I don't write here very often anymore, so if you only read from here I guess it would be a downer. But none the less I have decided to write an experience that I had this last weekend. Not a downer, but a "wow." -er.
We were at a camp somewhere in Illinois and we had just finished our show. The sponsor got up and gave an invitation where several kids came up for prayers. After this we showed our World Vision video. Now, for those of you who don't know much about World Vision, it's an orgainization onetimeblind works with that helps not only spread the word about poverty around the world, it gives you an opportunity to help solve it. (I can't get my links to work so try this: http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?cmp=AFC-1057050§ion=10022&xxwvCampaign=1057050)
Typically we show a video at our show and then one of us gets up and talks about World Vision and invite the crowd to be part of the solution in curing poverty. The video we show only is set to music and on the screen you see pictures of real people in Africa who have either died of aids, watched thier family die of aids, or are in aids communities. It is extremely sad. So, we are watching this video and people are crying, and I am getting emotional as well. I was doing the appeal this time, and was getting ready to go up to speak after the video when I notice sitting right in front of me, not 5 feet away, are 2 kids making out. I mean really making out-tongues and everything. wow.
I couldn't believe that was happening right before my eyes. So I got really close in between them and said, "yeah...if you guys could do this some other time, that would be awesome. You are being really disrespectful to what is happening in this room right now.". That's all I could get out. I wanted to take them both out and make them cry. But, I am sure the Lord kept me from such things on purpose. The sad part was, I don't think they were even embarrassed.
So, I guess from now on we will have to be careful and watch what crowds we show that video for. Obviously (and sickingly) it just turns some kids on.
We were at a camp somewhere in Illinois and we had just finished our show. The sponsor got up and gave an invitation where several kids came up for prayers. After this we showed our World Vision video. Now, for those of you who don't know much about World Vision, it's an orgainization onetimeblind works with that helps not only spread the word about poverty around the world, it gives you an opportunity to help solve it. (I can't get my links to work so try this: http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?cmp=AFC-1057050§ion=10022&xxwvCampaign=1057050)
Typically we show a video at our show and then one of us gets up and talks about World Vision and invite the crowd to be part of the solution in curing poverty. The video we show only is set to music and on the screen you see pictures of real people in Africa who have either died of aids, watched thier family die of aids, or are in aids communities. It is extremely sad. So, we are watching this video and people are crying, and I am getting emotional as well. I was doing the appeal this time, and was getting ready to go up to speak after the video when I notice sitting right in front of me, not 5 feet away, are 2 kids making out. I mean really making out-tongues and everything. wow.
I couldn't believe that was happening right before my eyes. So I got really close in between them and said, "yeah...if you guys could do this some other time, that would be awesome. You are being really disrespectful to what is happening in this room right now.". That's all I could get out. I wanted to take them both out and make them cry. But, I am sure the Lord kept me from such things on purpose. The sad part was, I don't think they were even embarrassed.
So, I guess from now on we will have to be careful and watch what crowds we show that video for. Obviously (and sickingly) it just turns some kids on.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
memorial day...
"This is the day to remember and through tears I write this entry. I sit here not knowing if I should stay in the kitchen or run to sit next to adam. I can hear him crying as he remembers the dreams he had last night. Last night he started saying, "Jake! Jake! Watch Out!". He woke up remembering only one thing about his former best friend-the day he died in a car crash. He doesn't remember anything else about him. As I sit here with my heart breaking, I think how unfair it is that Adam lost his memory a few days ago and continues to struggle to get it back and remember the people he loves. He cries because on this day while people are off work having picnics in the park-not using the day to remember anything that people have done for us-adam cries because all he wants to do is remember, and he can't."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
the rain. and daisy.
it is raining today.
i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.
not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.
i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.
i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.
but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.
i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.
not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.
i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.
i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.
but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
it was a rough one...
I wonder.
It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.
But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.
Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".
The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?
i wish.
The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."
Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.
Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.
Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.
There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.
It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.
But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.
Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".
The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?
i wish.
The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."
Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.
Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.
Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.
There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
December 22, 1996-December 22, 2006
Ten years for the Smiths. We received a nice card from Drew's mom and step dad. Inside the card was an actual article from the Grand Rapids Press. This is what it said:
Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."
Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)
and to you
and the rest of the world.
Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."
Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)
and to you
and the rest of the world.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
141?
ok, so seriously, I am not exactly sure why, but we just got this scale from the otb office and it is telling me i weigh 141. I am not one to share my weight, or to care really how much I weigh. Mostly because I have weighed the same (155-160) since I was in the 8th grade. Seriously, I have not gone under or over that range in over 21 years. yes, i know, i'm that old. So I have found it literally mind boggling to see that number. I don't really pay attention to my weight. I don't really care about it. I can tell when I need to loose a few pounds to fit into my clothes better etc. But I feel pretty confident with who God has made me, and I have learned to accept who I am and not to focus my time on things like body image etc.
But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.
I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.
It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.
anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.
But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.
I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.
It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.
anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.
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