not today

I don't feel good today. I haven't been feeling good for some time now. I don't know if the stress in my life is making me physically sick, but lately I haven't felt well. My stomach hurts almost daily now and I get a migraine about once a week. I got one last night again. They suck more than anything. Thank God for my meds although they don't last forever.

I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.

Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.

I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.

I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.

I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?

I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.