There comes a time in ones life, where there is nothing to say.
Yesterday I decided to write a book on what NOT to say in times of crisis. But I also realize humans feel the need to fix things, and when we can not fix it, we MUST at the very least, say something, anything, just to feel like we are doing. But what we should do, or say is nothing.
I have met a woman whose outlook is always about God. His plan. His way. His peace. His, His, His. His name was on her lips, in her tone, felt on her breath. I sat in the room hearing the news no new mom wants to hear, and cried. Weeped is more like it. I think I was crying more than she, but I know that isn't true. There is no comparisons in sorrow. There is no time. There is nothing, but weeping, sorrow. And she says, "I know God is going to use this to help the church". His people. I wondered where that kind of strength comes from? I sat in awe.
I must admit I come around to those conclusions eventually. The key word there is EVENTUALLY. I first cry and wonder why God hates me. Then I just get sad and don't want to even think of God while hiding in my room for a day. (I always give myself a day of mourning, or selfishness. Not sure why just one day, but I guess I just decided that was the day I would be selfish. I deserved that, right?) After the hiding is over, I read, pray, cry more, and decide that God is still God and He is still in control (as if He ever wasn't).
I know everyone deals with things differently. I figured the morning after, that is when it will be bad for her. I will walk into her house and it will be horrible. But I was wrong. Yes, she looked tired, she should be, but she looked great too. She was out of bed, showered, make up on, hair done...she was living. Amazed I sat down and we decided to go see a movie, just to laugh a little.
Life just isn't fair. I have thought this so often in my life. I still think it is true, it isn't fair, and it never will be. It is a fallen world, Lord come quickly. And then He does, as a little bundle of joy comes in and says, "Mama!" and gives her a hug. And then says, "caca" which actually means cracker. Smiles. He sends his perfect timing into play, making all things come together for His glory...and for hers.
She had her first therapy session today. (We all have shrinks now, don't we? Lord knows we all need them) Not sure she wants the world to know that, but I was amazed she went. As she described it to me, I was speechless. It was one big bible encouragement session. She was blessed, and encouraged. Her therapist prayed for her that morning before she even met her. God. He is here. One thing she was told was that at conception a soul lives within her. And God doesn't see time, He doesn't live by that, so when we feel like we have a life time to live, that is true, but that is not equal to others. Lifetime could mean 5 weeks and 2 days. And that all things are created for purpose, and so the baby was created for PURPOSE. And if we didn't know what that was yet, God would surely reveal it in time. That all that was happening wasn't for waste. I wondered, was it an angel she was listening to? The words seemed so full of wisdom. she was blessed.
The worst part to me is thinking about the body rejecting (and I HATE that word) what is in her now. The pain, the evidence, the dreams. I have struggled for years with watching what could have been being flushed, but to know it was...it is too much. I hurt for her to go through it. I feel apart of her in some way. I keep picturing her having to go through the procedure tomorrow, and I want to run to her and steal her away. I know it has to be done, but it seems surreal. And I know it has happened to most mom's that I know. Some even several times. It is something I fear. Yet, I look at this woman filled with recent pain, and watch her strength..HIS strength, and I pray for that. To realize what is His, is His.
So I am thinking about how she will feel once she wakes up tomorrow after the anistesia wears off, and I pray God will fill that empty place in her womb with Himself. And it will be called Peace.
random thoughts, written on a blank page.
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
Debbie's Kids
As I read through my last blog on the sound of music kids, it reminded me of my friend Debbie Lukasiewicz and her 8 children. Danika, Tim, Taylor, Ty, Ronise, Chase, Travis, and Tori (I have always wanted 8, but that is a lot of names!) I remembered a time last summer when we visited with them in Denver. We all went to eat at this cool restaurant with cliff divers, mexican hat dances and much, much more! We had time to play in the game rooms, where Sators and I conquered the skee ball. 
And I wondered how Debbie could keep her eye on 8 kids! The older kids do help a lot, but sometimes, I think it would just be hard. And this day, it was. Debbie was playing Ms. Pac-man, when all of a sudden she realized Chase, one of her 4 year olds, was not around. She frantically looked for him, sending out several search parties of children. We couldn't find him anywhere. I could see in Debbie's eyes that she was worried and didn't know what to do next. We searched every place again, and then we saw him coming up the stairs with Tony. There was another game room in the lower part of the restaurant that we didn't know about. And the Earth breathed.
Debbie handled it wonderfully, and she still is super mom, letting her 16 year old son live for 3 months in Africa while going to a missions school. Who does this? But I am learning that those who have these large amounts of kids HAVE to trust God. And therefore they learn to trust Him more and it seems like they walk more peacefully. I wondered last summer as I watched Roni play with worms while the boys were running around their Colorado home, how does she do it?
Isn't she concerned that the floor might get dirty? But as I heard story after story of how their kids help others and give up toys, and even bedrooms to kids who don't have them, I discovered, God is there. And it really doesn't matter if they eat with dirty hands when they know Jesus Christ. I think God will take care of the rest.
So I raise my glass to those families of 2 kids and up. As your family grows, so does God grow closer to you.
And I wondered how Debbie could keep her eye on 8 kids! The older kids do help a lot, but sometimes, I think it would just be hard. And this day, it was. Debbie was playing Ms. Pac-man, when all of a sudden she realized Chase, one of her 4 year olds, was not around. She frantically looked for him, sending out several search parties of children. We couldn't find him anywhere. I could see in Debbie's eyes that she was worried and didn't know what to do next. We searched every place again, and then we saw him coming up the stairs with Tony. There was another game room in the lower part of the restaurant that we didn't know about. And the Earth breathed. Debbie handled it wonderfully, and she still is super mom, letting her 16 year old son live for 3 months in Africa while going to a missions school. Who does this? But I am learning that those who have these large amounts of kids HAVE to trust God. And therefore they learn to trust Him more and it seems like they walk more peacefully. I wondered last summer as I watched Roni play with worms while the boys were running around their Colorado home, how does she do it?
Isn't she concerned that the floor might get dirty? But as I heard story after story of how their kids help others and give up toys, and even bedrooms to kids who don't have them, I discovered, God is there. And it really doesn't matter if they eat with dirty hands when they know Jesus Christ. I think God will take care of the rest. So I raise my glass to those families of 2 kids and up. As your family grows, so does God grow closer to you.
The Sound of Music...or is that Neo Pets?
I thought a lot today about that classic movie "Sound of Music". I wondered if that fairy tale could possibly have a shred of truth to it. A strange woman comes in and takes the beating of 6 children (or was it 9?) and eventually wins over their love and affection. Once straight suited, none playing children were turned into curtain wearing, free loving souls. So my day goes.
I had the honor of semi-watching the Funk kids today. Gracie-9, Gabby-7, Will-4, and Claire-3. And i can't forget little Eden, who is 18 months old, and belongs to Laura, but today, she too was a Funk kid. It wasn't the crazy moments that i remember, but those moments where my eyes met theirs and they, well, loved. We ventured out to the movie theatre today, all the kids and Tony, Laura and I. Before we got there we went over strict rules of not running away, staying with us, Tony would drop us off and then park, Laura would buy tickets, while I corralled all the kids from the drop off point to the movie theatre. All things were going as planned until Will saw the motorcycle ride inside the theatre and he was off. And Claire was close behind. Meanwhile, Laura catches up and I ask her to buy the popcorn while I go into the theatre with the kids.
The Theatre
As we enter I pray that we will be the only ones there, but God has a way of not listening to me. I turned the corner to see 40 or so people already seated. Gabby says, "Lets go to the top" and i agreed that we didn't want to watch the movie from the front, and that was a mistake. So we all tried to get settled in, Gabby loves to take care of Eden so she wanted to sit with her. Claire sat on my right, while Gracie sat to my left. Tony showed up and sat on the end next to Gabby and Eden and Laura took the other end next to Will. All was settled, the movie was about to start, and then it happened. "Can I have some popcorn? Where is my pop? I wanted sprite, I don't want water! Where is my popcorn? Can I have some candy? I don't want to drink water. Where are the gummy worms? Will, we are not supposed to say shut up. (laughter in the theatre. they wont be laughing soon) I have to go potty. I have to go poopy" and on and on it went. "whisper girls...watch your feet on the chairs...Will, you can't just come over here (he hits the persons head in front of us) go back to your seat...When can we go back to grandma's house?... Whisper Gracie!...is this movie over yet?" And then it finally was. Honestly I wondered if we would get kicked out, or at least yelled at, but i guess the people who work there are used to that sort of thing. So we wait until the theatre is about empty and slip out, leaving the mounds of refilled popcorn on the floor. Evidence that we are bad 'parents'. Breathe, we are out of the theatre...or are we?
The Lobby
We move out towards the lobby as Claire and Will run ahead and dash out to the video games (all too old for them to play or understand) and I pray no one runs by and snatches the babies. But as I followed Claire into the men's room so she could go poop, I decided, she has to live with some kind of consequences, right? Ok, I came to my senses and made her pee in the woman's, but not before I saw a man peeing at the yernal. I had to look 3 times because she wouldn't come right away like I asked. ugh. But none the less, he didn't seemed phased, which is kinda strange if you ask me. Gracie was begging us to go shopping, "I just want to buy a neo pet and it will only take me a min...PLEASE!". So Laura and I decided to let her go. We arranged for Laura to take the 2 older girls as Tony and I handled the young-ins. Oh wait, where is Will and Claire and Eden. Oh, that strange woman is talking to them. sigh. At least she thinks they are cute.
Is it me, or does Gracie kinda look like a neo pet?
The Mall
The mall had a carousel and a play area and we told Will and Claire they had to stay with us, or they would immediately have to go to the car. They agreed and even looked into my eyes, which the Nanny says means something. Believe it or not, they obeyed. It was great. Tony took Will and Eden to the play area and I took Claire on the carousel. All seemed well in the world. For a moment. Claire and I headed off the carousel to join the others in the play area. I successfully got her shoes off and Gabby and Gracie were back to join them. A moment to sit. So I took a few pics and watched as they released all the energy I was hoping wouldn't end up in the house later that night. And then Tony thought Claire and Will were fighting.
They were wrestling, I will say that, but when I was growing up (oh, I can't believe I just said that) Kelly and I would wrestle all the time. We loved it for some reason. He would jump on my head and I would pull his hair, and then we would laugh. I think Claire and Will are sort of like that. The smiles on their faces said so. I will admit that even with Kelly, play fight would sometimes lead to real fight. But not was the case in this event with Claire and Will. But Tony sent Gracie over to break them up. Not sure why he sent Gracie, she is the least likely one to handle this situation, but he thought she could handle it. So she tried. And they laughed. And she kept trying, until they started crying. It was time to leave.
The Shoes
Will has these moments where he decides something and then that is it. He has it set in his mind and will not sway from anything but what he has already decided. Tony told him to put his shoes on, but he didn't want to leave. So I took Will over to a table and told him to settle down and we talked about putting on his shoes. I told him he had to put his shoes on, and in tears he screamed, "NO!". I don't mind the scream, but I think others do. Tony walked over to him and said, "Let's compromise, I will carry you to the car and you can put your shoes on in there, ok?" Well, under normal circumstances, that would have been ok, but i had just told him he had to put his shoes on right there, so i really wanted to stick to what I said. I think it is important to stick to my word with kids, so they know what they can trust. (that is for another day) So we put the shoes on and then he was fine. sigh. All that work, just for him to smile at me and start walking, holding my hand. Why must it be so much work?
The Ride
We waited outside for Tony to pull up the van and all the kids sat patiently and waited. Once here, Claire ran in first going to the back seat. She sits in the middle seats. So then Gracie couldn't get in, and Will was blocking Gabby... we drove down the road and I was joking with them asking Claire if I could have one of her binky's (she has like 10 of them). She of course said no over and over. I decided to have them sing, well, I was joking and never expected them to started singing. I started the classic Kumbayah and started laughing because I find that song old, and funny. But to my surprise, all of the Funk children and Eden started singing. And they were all serious! Laura and Tony started laughing in the front seats, not too much to be heard by the kids because they didn't want them to stop. Then, we were home.
There were many more events that took place while we were at the grandparents house for 3 days. From 10 minute bike rides, meeting the deaf neighbors, watching Will eat 20 pieces of candy and drinking pop before bedtime, to bath times and bedtime prayers. I loved it. And I would do it again if I could...and I might even make them some play clothes out of curtains, just for fun.
I had the honor of semi-watching the Funk kids today. Gracie-9, Gabby-7, Will-4, and Claire-3. And i can't forget little Eden, who is 18 months old, and belongs to Laura, but today, she too was a Funk kid. It wasn't the crazy moments that i remember, but those moments where my eyes met theirs and they, well, loved. We ventured out to the movie theatre today, all the kids and Tony, Laura and I. Before we got there we went over strict rules of not running away, staying with us, Tony would drop us off and then park, Laura would buy tickets, while I corralled all the kids from the drop off point to the movie theatre. All things were going as planned until Will saw the motorcycle ride inside the theatre and he was off. And Claire was close behind. Meanwhile, Laura catches up and I ask her to buy the popcorn while I go into the theatre with the kids.
The Theatre
As we enter I pray that we will be the only ones there, but God has a way of not listening to me. I turned the corner to see 40 or so people already seated. Gabby says, "Lets go to the top" and i agreed that we didn't want to watch the movie from the front, and that was a mistake. So we all tried to get settled in, Gabby loves to take care of Eden so she wanted to sit with her. Claire sat on my right, while Gracie sat to my left. Tony showed up and sat on the end next to Gabby and Eden and Laura took the other end next to Will. All was settled, the movie was about to start, and then it happened. "Can I have some popcorn? Where is my pop? I wanted sprite, I don't want water! Where is my popcorn? Can I have some candy? I don't want to drink water. Where are the gummy worms? Will, we are not supposed to say shut up. (laughter in the theatre. they wont be laughing soon) I have to go potty. I have to go poopy" and on and on it went. "whisper girls...watch your feet on the chairs...Will, you can't just come over here (he hits the persons head in front of us) go back to your seat...When can we go back to grandma's house?... Whisper Gracie!...is this movie over yet?" And then it finally was. Honestly I wondered if we would get kicked out, or at least yelled at, but i guess the people who work there are used to that sort of thing. So we wait until the theatre is about empty and slip out, leaving the mounds of refilled popcorn on the floor. Evidence that we are bad 'parents'. Breathe, we are out of the theatre...or are we?
The Lobby
We move out towards the lobby as Claire and Will run ahead and dash out to the video games (all too old for them to play or understand) and I pray no one runs by and snatches the babies. But as I followed Claire into the men's room so she could go poop, I decided, she has to live with some kind of consequences, right? Ok, I came to my senses and made her pee in the woman's, but not before I saw a man peeing at the yernal. I had to look 3 times because she wouldn't come right away like I asked. ugh. But none the less, he didn't seemed phased, which is kinda strange if you ask me. Gracie was begging us to go shopping, "I just want to buy a neo pet and it will only take me a min...PLEASE!". So Laura and I decided to let her go. We arranged for Laura to take the 2 older girls as Tony and I handled the young-ins. Oh wait, where is Will and Claire and Eden. Oh, that strange woman is talking to them. sigh. At least she thinks they are cute.
Is it me, or does Gracie kinda look like a neo pet?
The Mall
The mall had a carousel and a play area and we told Will and Claire they had to stay with us, or they would immediately have to go to the car. They agreed and even looked into my eyes, which the Nanny says means something. Believe it or not, they obeyed. It was great. Tony took Will and Eden to the play area and I took Claire on the carousel. All seemed well in the world. For a moment. Claire and I headed off the carousel to join the others in the play area. I successfully got her shoes off and Gabby and Gracie were back to join them. A moment to sit. So I took a few pics and watched as they released all the energy I was hoping wouldn't end up in the house later that night. And then Tony thought Claire and Will were fighting.
They were wrestling, I will say that, but when I was growing up (oh, I can't believe I just said that) Kelly and I would wrestle all the time. We loved it for some reason. He would jump on my head and I would pull his hair, and then we would laugh. I think Claire and Will are sort of like that. The smiles on their faces said so. I will admit that even with Kelly, play fight would sometimes lead to real fight. But not was the case in this event with Claire and Will. But Tony sent Gracie over to break them up. Not sure why he sent Gracie, she is the least likely one to handle this situation, but he thought she could handle it. So she tried. And they laughed. And she kept trying, until they started crying. It was time to leave.
The Shoes
Will has these moments where he decides something and then that is it. He has it set in his mind and will not sway from anything but what he has already decided. Tony told him to put his shoes on, but he didn't want to leave. So I took Will over to a table and told him to settle down and we talked about putting on his shoes. I told him he had to put his shoes on, and in tears he screamed, "NO!". I don't mind the scream, but I think others do. Tony walked over to him and said, "Let's compromise, I will carry you to the car and you can put your shoes on in there, ok?" Well, under normal circumstances, that would have been ok, but i had just told him he had to put his shoes on right there, so i really wanted to stick to what I said. I think it is important to stick to my word with kids, so they know what they can trust. (that is for another day) So we put the shoes on and then he was fine. sigh. All that work, just for him to smile at me and start walking, holding my hand. Why must it be so much work?
The Ride
We waited outside for Tony to pull up the van and all the kids sat patiently and waited. Once here, Claire ran in first going to the back seat. She sits in the middle seats. So then Gracie couldn't get in, and Will was blocking Gabby... we drove down the road and I was joking with them asking Claire if I could have one of her binky's (she has like 10 of them). She of course said no over and over. I decided to have them sing, well, I was joking and never expected them to started singing. I started the classic Kumbayah and started laughing because I find that song old, and funny. But to my surprise, all of the Funk children and Eden started singing. And they were all serious! Laura and Tony started laughing in the front seats, not too much to be heard by the kids because they didn't want them to stop. Then, we were home.
There were many more events that took place while we were at the grandparents house for 3 days. From 10 minute bike rides, meeting the deaf neighbors, watching Will eat 20 pieces of candy and drinking pop before bedtime, to bath times and bedtime prayers. I loved it. And I would do it again if I could...and I might even make them some play clothes out of curtains, just for fun.
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