the lost paintings

I was driving around and passed this garage sale yesterday. They had a fence thing that you keep animals in and I pictured Ajax hopping around inside of it in the grass and I smiled. As I walked up to the house I noticed they were using the fence thing for puppies that were for sale. They were cute. But they were also selling a few other garage sale items, you know, typical things, books, cups, tools etc. Then I noticed 2 boxes FULL of paintings. They were on canvas, all different colors and sort of looked like smudges of paint. Nothing that really caught my eye except that their were lots of them.

A woman from the garage asked if I was going to buy one. I thought, "yeah right." and then I looked up. She was retarted. I knew I didn't like the paintings and probably wouldn't buy one. Her sister asked if I was looking for something specific at the sale and I told her I was looking at the fence. She told me it wasn't for sale (because it had puppies in it!) and I said ok thanks and started to walk away heading to the sale at the house two doors down. As I was walking, the retarted sister said to her sister, "Isn't anyone going to buy my paintings?". Just then I thought, what if that is Jesus. Not that Jesus is retarted, but you know what I mean. I knew I would be going back to buy a painting.

I did go back, but I didn't buy one, I bought five. I had to leave to go to the ATM to get cash. By the time I returned it was pouring. So I ran into the garage to buy the paintings. She signed them for me. She said she couldn't wait to get rich and famous. I told her she already was.

a mothers dream

I am not sure how many of you guys watch LOST out there, but the last episode was awesome. There is a scene where a few of them have to decide if entering the code and pushing the button on the computer even matters. One of the guys tries to explain that if they do not punch in the code and hit the button that there will be an electric magnetic malfunction on Earth. That what they do actually saves the world. Even something as small as pushing a button. Lots to talk about there, but in the show, one guy doesn't believe it and actually breaks the computer making it impossible for them to release the build up of electric magnetic pressure. There is a spot under the ground that a special key goes into and it is the fail safe to release it if something should happen to the computer. Before it was entered the pressure built up was so strong that it forced everyone on the island to have intense pain in their ears. Something was getting ready to explode.

That is how I felt yesterday. Not sure how long things have been building up inside of me, or why really, but I just know out of no where I started crying. It wasn't really like one tear then another until a flood of tears came. It was more like a dam being crushed as my emotions all poured out into my car. There are several things that caused me to explode. For some reason lately I have been dreaming about my mom. It isn't that I mind necessarily dreaming of my mother, but it is just easier not thinking about her. I think this is why most of my siblings don't talk about her anymore. And as I am realizing, if we don't share the miracles in our lives, over time they disappear. And I feel that is what is happening with my mother at times.

I watched a video of her the other day. It was maybe 20 seconds long as she was sitting on Santa's lap. She was saying things to him in the midst of a crowded, conversation filled room. I strained to hear her voice only to discover I didn't know it anymore. I think this is what caused my dreams to start. Some dreams are of just seeing her. Some are of me trying to hug her. Some are of her talking to other people the way she used to so much. I miss her. I miss her laugh, and her smile, and her guidance. I miss the security of having a mother, someone who will no matter what happens be there for you.

One of my friends told me I have lost people that I have loved, and this continues to happen in my life. I am grieving that, even things from my past. But another friend told me, "Who hasn't lost people they have loved?". He was explaining that we have all loved and lost. And with that comes so much pain and confusion for the future. Will I ever love again? SHOULD I ever love again? The truth is people fail us. They die, leave, change, and are faulty. But then, I too am guilty of this. I am sure I have left those who have loved me strongly. I guess that is this thing called life. My first friend reminded me that God never leaves us. I feel that I know that is true. I don't feel like He is going to abandon me or leave me here to suffer or figure things out on my own. Or do I? I mean, when my bills are due and I don't have money, do I not feel let down? Or when I find out I am not pregnant AGAIN each month, has He not forgotten me? I think I do struggle with those thoughts. Not the ones that float around in my mind, but the ones that take root in my heart.

But the strange thing about feeling alone, is that so many people feel this way. And that creates a group full of people who feel alone, but ironically, are not.

So as I try to figure out these mother dreams that keep coming at night, I pray for God's breath, I pray for Kingdom focus, I just pray. And all of these prayers draw me closer to Him. And isn't that the point?