"I knew everything falling in place was too easy, this road is always bumpy. But still hurts when the bumps come."
I said that to a friend yesterday as I re-entered the world of infertility. Last year Drew and I wanted to do a fertility treatment. We couldn't as we were not healthy enough. This year we were determined to try again. I wasn't sure if this was the month or not so as we were driving up north this weekend we talked about it. I knew if we were going to do a treatment it would fall around Asher's birthday party weekend and I didn't want to feel stressed etc. but we would make that decision when I started my period. While we were camping, it came and then we had a decision to make. As I was walking back to camp I was praying asking God to show me the path we should take. I don't want to do anything outside of His will for our lives. Even if it's hard. So as I was walking and praying I was reminded of a scripture that Drew's cousin Janine wrote on our wipe board last month. It was Isaiah 30:21.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
So I prayed that God would show me the way clearly. That I would hear his voice and know for sure if this is the month we were to do this treatment. When I got back to camp, Asher ran up to me. "mama!", he said. But then he said this, "Doctor!" I said, "um..what? Asher Doctor!" and he said, "No! Mama Doctor!" and then ran off. UM >>>> OK! Ask for a clear sign, get a clear sign.
On our way home I started a book called "The Best Yes". It's pretty good and as I was reading it she was talking about how we need to stop and really hear what God is saying. And what scripture did she reference? Isaiah 30:21. God. Is. Good.
So Monday I called and made an appointment. Wednesday came and I went for my appointment. It was actually fun in a way. I loved seeing everyone and I really felt hope in the room, along with nervousness. It's like there are so many spirits in that office. Hopelessness, sadness, loneliness. But I was feeling Joy. I was feeling Peace. I was feeling Hope. So my appointment didn't go as I planned. The tech found 2 cysts. One was "normal" looking, and the other not so much. So the assistant told me the doctor would review everything and call me the next day. When he called, he asked me how I was feeling which is never good. He told me he's not sure what the cyst is but he wants me to go on birth control to see if that shrinks it. I have to get an MRI in 2 weeks...etc etc. The bottom line is, no cycle this month.
It was ok news but it's so strange how even if you don't get your hopes up, and even though you think you are content with where you are in life or how God is moving etc, your heart is still open. And when something doesn't go as planned (which it rarely does) it is frustrating and just sad. I told drew I was ok, but I still felt like I was mourning and loss. A loss of hope deferred. And so our journey continues. I don't know what God has for our family, but I know it's good. Cuz it's always good. And He is always faithful.