Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Ajax intro

We have a bunny. His name is Ajax. Ajax is a new bunny to us, drew got him for Christmas, which actually turned into Valentines because Ajax wasn't born yet. He is so cute and it is strange how God allows us to learn so much from him. I was watching Ajax the other day, and he is getting to the stage where I think he is teething. He is ALWAYS chewing on things. He will hop around the house and chew on the base boards, videos, cords, boxes, paper, even metal (although that doesn't work very well for him). We have been told that Ajax can be trained, which is a great thing. So we have taught him to use the litter box, just like a cat, and he is learning that "NO" means don't do something. Ajax's favorite things to chew on are my rugs and carpet. He will sneak over to my rugs and when I am not looking he will chew them. I don't really mind that much, but the problem is, if he ingests the threads off of the rug, he will get the equivalent of a hair ball. This for a cat is not a problem because they can hack it up, which is fun to watch. But for bunnies, the hair ball just sits there in the belly and eventually it has to be surgically removed. So to avoid the vet bill, and to help Ajax, we are teaching him not to eat carpet and rugs.

One day I was sitting on the couch and Ajax walked, well hopped, up and started biting at the carpet. I told him, "No, no Ajax!" and then clapped my hands in a loud way. This is how we were told to discipline him because you are never supposed to hit a bunny.
Bunny experts say they turn violent or something. I continued to discipline the only way I could, clap, whistle, yell loudly etc at Ajax, but he didn't respond to me. I did see him stop, then look up at me, but then continue to bite at the carpet. So I came towards him thinking this would scare him away from it. Nope. Then I got down on the floor and put my nose to his and said, "No, no bunny." but still, nothing. So I put my hand under his mouth so he couldn't chew anymore. It wasn't until then that he looked up at me and I had his attention. He finally hopped away. And I was thinking, "man, what is your deal bunny. This is not good for you, just trust me!" and there it was. Me and God.

I felt the frustration He feels with me when He is trying to get my attention, or telling me not to do something. I am so focused on what I want, that I am not willing to even look up at Him. Or maybe I do look up and decide not to do what He says. So He has to come to me, get in my face, and sometimes take away the thing that I am 'loving'. And only then will I look to Him and really SEE Him. And sigh in my frustration for wandering once more. Or like Ajax, just hop away to find something else, instead of staying with my master.

It is strange how God loves us anyway and just like with Ajax, two minutes after I was done telling him "no", he was making me laugh. Jumping, sniffing, playing with paper, and I sit and smile at him. And then turn my face up and smile again, just to say thanks.

ajax what are you looking at?

me in Montana

montana


This was taken a few years ago, but i wanted to try make sure i knew how to upload pics. Otb was in Montana and it was FREEZING! So we thought it was a great day for a photo op. and yes, my butt was cold.

dreams and such

So i have wasted all of my time that i wanted to write by trying to get to this page so i CAN write. Even with drew's great directions i was for some reason trying to create a new blog. Maybe this blogging thing is not for me.

But i will keep on because when i get frustrated about things and feel stupid inside, i remember Edison and how i have been told he tried hundreds of time before he discovered electricity. That is a lot of failing, but i am thankful he didn't give up. i like my hot water and my coffee maker. yes, i know, there would be other ways, but hey, i wouldn't be on the computer now would i?

i am realizing some of you might read my blogs and get to know the 'real' me. So, i guess that is the way it goes. you just might walk away going, wow, she is weird or better yet, mental. but i have decided i am ok with that.

I just remembered how i dreamed last night that i flipped off ryan during a show. it is strange though because the crowd was like a festival or something, but we don't do festivals. and i was mad at ryan about something and so i flipped him off. The crowd saw it, but i didn't care. i always dream. every night i dream of something. sometimes they are just silly, but my brother kelly tells me no dreams are silly. some are just harder to figure out. i think he is the smartest person i know. i have been tempted so often to send him all of my dreams and tell him to figure them out for me. or give me the deep meaning behind me running down my high school hallway with no pants on, or in this case flipping off ryan during a show. But i am afraid of bombarding him with meaningless dreams. and when i really do get one i want to know about, i don't want to use up all of my 'dream meaning' time with high school days, ya know?

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you thought for sure it really happened? i have had a few of them. and honestly, i am still not sure it didn't happen. i still expect to see some of the items that were in my dream. someone gave me a book in the dream and it was the most beautiful book i have ever seen. filled with events in my life, and things that mean the most to me. when i woke up from the dream i cried. i felt it was SO real. I was at an otb show and i had to (after waking up from this dream) some how shake off this dream and get in the van and go to eat dinner with the sponsor. it messed me up for the rest of the night. Maybe dreams are why i like the matrix so much. there is a difference between the dream world and reality, but we just are not sure which is which. we can think we are living in reality (my dad used to tell me, 'wait till you are in the real world!'. I should have told him I could hardly wait, and i couldn't wait till he got there either! dang, 15 years and now i think of what to say to that comment. figures.) yet i don't really believe this is the REAL life, but just something we are in for only 100 years. that is not a very long time. i know it seems like a long time--like when i sit in the doctors office waiting...waiting...waiting... but soon enough the doctor comes. I am trying to live a life in the 'dream' i can not see yet. i feel it in my bones, and i know that it is there, calling me back..home. but i am stuck here for a time.

This is NOT the adventure. this is like the painful sucky time where we have to get ready for the adventure. you know, like when i go camping. packing the truck, getting the food ready, what will i wear, where should we go, do you have the map?, don't forget the hiking shoes, and the extra cash, and the good music. then finally, we are in the truck. only to turn around and go back in, because we forgot our coffee. (can't tell you how often we do that) when i go camping. Drew HATES the getting ready. he looks at me and shakes his head. he doesn't like all the stuff I do to get ready to go. But i keep working, planning for one reason. Campfire. there are lots of things i love about camping, but the one thing i love the most, is the campfire. as i pack up, i can see myself sitting there smelling the wood burn and tasting my smore melt as i savor it in my mouth. I can hear the owls, and the wolves. I glare at the moon and watch it as it goes behind the clouds. moments of stars and then starless, then stars again. thousands of them. Moving my boots away from the fire because i didn't notice they were starting to smoke and melt. and smiling, because i am not alone in this world. I have those who will go with me and live life along side of me. seeing them through campfire lighting, my favorite way to see.

but without thinking about that, seeing it, almost smelling it, i might not ever make it through the packing, and planning. i think most people loose sight of the unseen. and the danger of that is they begin to believe this is it for them. Like creating teh ending to the story of Cinderella that wasn't meant to be, they change the way they were made to live. And because of that, they aren't truly living.

ok, enough babblings for now.

Friday, March 18, 2005

So...here we go!

So i thought i would start my blog. I am not sure exactly what i will be saying, or how often. I actually prefer writing on actual paper, which is why i have never started a blog. but then i started thinking of my communication with my wonderful husband and thought it might be a good way to keep in touch during the crazy hours that we hold. I often miss him during the day because he sleeps and then at night he works. but hopefully not for long. I wish he could just be creative. Hopefully soon. I must warn anyone who might be interested in my thoughts that i am a mis-speller, and punctuation isn't my strong hand either. But this is me. And that is all that matters.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

alone

it is strange how I can be in a room and feel alone. My life is filled with love, laughter, friends, family, yet something happens at the end of the day. I sit and think alone. I wonder when my Savior will be coming for me, knowing I am not really alone, yet I still want to cry. My suffering is endured by my companions only for a moment, then, one after another, year after year, they disappear. And I am left alone again. In the moment of tears I DO have a shoulder to give my tears to, but after the tears have left their mark, and those that bear them walk away living, I sit again. No tears. No words. Nothing. Just silence. And wonderings of when my Savior will come again. Will my life always be this way? Avoidance of the issues I can’t control until I am left in silence long enough to proclaim sanity? Maybe. Maybe. Others have their lives to live. They cry tears and then goodness comes. I sit still and wait. And wait. And wait. Watching others misfortunes turn to gold. I am happy for them. They deserve it, mostly because God loves them. But…He loves me too. Isn’t that enough for me? Can it be? Alone, huh, yeah right. All that I see with my open eyes screams to me alone. I know when I close my eyes there is a world going on around me that only I can feel. Only my shut eyed spirit can grasp through belief. Almost even touching it with physical-ness. But my flesh demands that my eyes open again, and the spirit feels gone. Yet I know it lingers to me, on me, in...me. Alone, I am only alone in the sense that I am the only one who believes that word is impossible.