here we are

1654....this is where we now live. Well, we sort of live here. I mean we have 3 suitcases which are opened and our clothes linger from one end of the piano to the other, the bathroom has our toiletry bags and enough shampoo to last until march, we have found ourselves in a routine. A routine. Does that mean we are "home"?

Every day I wake up and wonder what will be different from yesterday. I am so lost in reality tv and diet coke that I am not sure what day it is. truly. Truly it is. That is what we hear at dinner from my step-father-in-law. Waskally Wabbit is what I hear from my mother-in-law. She constantly refers to me as either the "lady Kathlene" or my daughter-BY-law. She thinks IN law has some sort of bad taste to it. So every time I meet someone new she has to say BY law but then explain why she says BY law and eventually tells them I am not an IN law, which makes for a long conversation that means nothing. Kind of like head lettuce. It is part of a hamburger but it means nothing, it tastes like nothing, and it has no purpose. It is just there taking up space.

I am a piece of lettuce.


I haven't written much lately. I haven't talked much lately. I haven't done much of anything except cry, drink, and eat GF cookies and bread. Lou keeps making "adams potato's" and "adams cake" and "adams squash" so I guess i have been benefiting a bit from adams favorite things. It's not all bad. Actually, not much of it is bad. Except the games that go on in my head forcing me to take hour long showers wondering why I would go and have coffee with people I don't really care about.

I think I am in the hour of think. Our publisher wrote me today and said she wants to name our next book, "Think again". Which honestly, I kind of like. I want to respond, "will it say, 'things that make you go, hmmm again' too?" But maybe God is telling me to think again. Have you ever wondered whether or not Mother Theresa was selfish? Her whole life was based on living for other people. Was there one day that she just felt like SHE wanted something for a change? Is it healthy for a person to live with total sacrifice to others? Can they truly be happy with that? Does serving another human (or several of them) actually fulfill all of your needs? Does anything fulfill all of your needs?

What is love?

What does it look like? Is it visible? We watch tv and movies and we see people showing "love" to one another, but what does that mean? The outward appearance of what we feel love looks like. Our eyes judge the movement of a color and we put a title to it calling it a deep feeling. It is nothing. It is deception. What is actually real?

What is truth?

We believe in something as simple as our parents words. We grow knowing so strongly that these frail humans wouldn't lie to us. Not to us, their own flesh and blood. Yet, "little" lies about santa lead to big lies about infidelity and secrets yet revealed. Everyone has secrets, right? Isn't that what we are told? WHAT IS THAT??? You know, I don't have secrets. Not that I am aware of. There are things I don't fashionably tell the public, but that doesn't make it a secret. I would tell someone, someone i trusted....trusted....that would mean they wouldn't have secrets either. But how do you know if someone really doesn't have any secrets? If they tell you they don't and you believe them, they could be covering up the fact that they do. And if they do, they would tell you they don't. So, what's the point of relationships and communicating? It seems everything should remain as shallow as possible. Then we would all just get our chicken and mashed potatoes and we call it a day.

I have been here for 49 days. D and I once discussed the longest we could possibly stay is 3 days. That was the max before our heads exploded. But, here we are, 49 days later, heads still intact. 1654 is a blessing in SO many ways. It is good for one, it is good for all. But I am tired. Not tired like I need to sleep in until 1pm everyday. No, that is already happening. more like tired of this waiting. Tired of this wandering. How long do you think someone has to wait for happiness? Do you think Christians should find their inner joy in Christ, yet suffer outwardly "for God"? A friend said, "What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with enjoying the things God gave us here on earth?".....what is wrong with that? I am not sure.

I know we are all called to something different. I am called to D.H.S. I know that. I could easier cut off my arm then explain what he means to me.


It's just that simple isn't it?

How far would you go for someone that you told not only yourself, but hundreds of other witnesses "for rich or poor, in sickness and health, till death.." ugh. What kind of death? Did anyone explain what that meant? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Death. That's a strong word. A strong commitment. I mean, to stick with someone until physical death... But if one is going through something so hard that it causes them mental ills or spiritual ills, what then? The other should help. Death is death. A promise was sealed with a kiss. Several kisses. in front of hundreds.

No lights. No tree. No presents neatly wrapped. This year we are happy to be warm and have food every day. The past 4 or so years have been a progression to this moment. Like a dark movie, the end is brought nearer with each scene showing less of what makes us live. less of our youth. less fantasy. less purpose. less life. All strung around the hope that tomorrow an old man will hit a rock and water will gush out. A miracle. I hoped for a hanukkah miracle....none. Lots of signs point you to the direction of your destination. But without movement, you will never arrive.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I used to play with my cousins paint set. i forget what they are called but they go in circles and you add paint to a pointer thing and it puts different colors on the paper as it spins in a circle. It continues to do this as long as you want until you are finished with your picture. Then you have layer after layer of color and circles. This is what my mind is right now. Layer after layer of colorful circles. I'm trying to figure out where they started, or better yet, where they end. ...what is it that I really want?

what is REALLY possible?

What things in life are worth the sacrifice?

30 days...3,000,000 things

how is it that in just a few years you can go from a one bedroom apartment to a 3 bedroom townhouse mess. As I sit in my kitchen (one of my favorite places) and look around I feel a bit overwhelmed. this kitchen has brought me such happiness. Many Thanksgiving and Easter dinners, friends up late drinking coffee, making tea on cold winter nights, watching eden crawl, then walk, then butter her own bread. the time goes by so very fast. I am finally getting out of this place, for real. Only 30 days left here and now I am feeling sentimental. This place really has been a HUGE blessing my life. And we have been able to bless others so much with staying here as well. But I am feeling ready for a change. I am ready to get rid of my 15th cookbook and just use the one I always cook out of. I almost want to rid myself of all those recipies in the box that I never use for they all have sugar and wheat in the ingredience.

one thing I know for sure, i am getting rid of lots of stuff. Washer and Dryer, table and chairs (lots of chairs), old rugs, magazines and magnets....blankets, boxes of just decorative things to put on your wall. So much that I don't have enough walls to put them on! --seriously-- I need to live simply. Is this possible for me? I thought living here, that I would live simply. But it seems the more room you have, the more stuff you get and you can't give away faster than you accumulate in this country. America, its strange. So...I have 30 days to figure out if I will ever watch that old tape of me performing My Fair Lady (not really) and decide if I really should keep it or not.

This stuff is making my heart hurt. And using up all of my air to breath. I just have to give it up. The real question is, can i?

I guess having aids makes you want to make out

So..as a friend told me this past week, most of my writings have been downers. I guess I didn't realize it, and I don't write here very often anymore, so if you only read from here I guess it would be a downer. But none the less I have decided to write an experience that I had this last weekend. Not a downer, but a "wow." -er.

We were at a camp somewhere in Illinois and we had just finished our show. The sponsor got up and gave an invitation where several kids came up for prayers. After this we showed our World Vision video. Now, for those of you who don't know much about World Vision, it's an orgainization onetimeblind works with that helps not only spread the word about poverty around the world, it gives you an opportunity to help solve it. (I can't get my links to work so try this: http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?cmp=AFC-1057050§ion=10022&xxwvCampaign=1057050)

Typically we show a video at our show and then one of us gets up and talks about World Vision and invite the crowd to be part of the solution in curing poverty. The video we show only is set to music and on the screen you see pictures of real people in Africa who have either died of aids, watched thier family die of aids, or are in aids communities. It is extremely sad. So, we are watching this video and people are crying, and I am getting emotional as well. I was doing the appeal this time, and was getting ready to go up to speak after the video when I notice sitting right in front of me, not 5 feet away, are 2 kids making out. I mean really making out-tongues and everything. wow.

I couldn't believe that was happening right before my eyes. So I got really close in between them and said, "yeah...if you guys could do this some other time, that would be awesome. You are being really disrespectful to what is happening in this room right now.". That's all I could get out. I wanted to take them both out and make them cry. But, I am sure the Lord kept me from such things on purpose. The sad part was, I don't think they were even embarrassed.

So, I guess from now on we will have to be careful and watch what crowds we show that video for. Obviously (and sickingly) it just turns some kids on.

memorial day...

"This is the day to remember and through tears I write this entry. I sit here not knowing if I should stay in the kitchen or run to sit next to adam. I can hear him crying as he remembers the dreams he had last night. Last night he started saying, "Jake! Jake! Watch Out!". He woke up remembering only one thing about his former best friend-the day he died in a car crash. He doesn't remember anything else about him. As I sit here with my heart breaking, I think how unfair it is that Adam lost his memory a few days ago and continues to struggle to get it back and remember the people he loves. He cries because on this day while people are off work having picnics in the park-not using the day to remember anything that people have done for us-adam cries because all he wants to do is remember, and he can't."

the rain. and daisy.

it is raining today.

i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.

not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.

i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.

i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.

but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.

no matter how hard you don't want to become a statistic...you just do.

it was a rough one...

I wonder.

It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.

But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.

Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.

Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".

The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?

i wish.

The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."

Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.

Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.

Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.

There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.

December 22, 1996-December 22, 2006

Ten years for the Smiths. We received a nice card from Drew's mom and step dad. Inside the card was an actual article from the Grand Rapids Press. This is what it said:


Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."


Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)

and to you

and the rest of the world.

141?

ok, so seriously, I am not exactly sure why, but we just got this scale from the otb office and it is telling me i weigh 141. I am not one to share my weight, or to care really how much I weigh. Mostly because I have weighed the same (155-160) since I was in the 8th grade. Seriously, I have not gone under or over that range in over 21 years. yes, i know, i'm that old. So I have found it literally mind boggling to see that number. I don't really pay attention to my weight. I don't really care about it. I can tell when I need to loose a few pounds to fit into my clothes better etc. But I feel pretty confident with who God has made me, and I have learned to accept who I am and not to focus my time on things like body image etc.

But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.

I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.

It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.

anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.

the best poem ever written

There is a strong wall about me to protect me,
it is built of the words you have said to me.

There are swords about me to keep me safe,
they are kisses of your lips.

Before me goes a shield to guard me from harm,
it is the shadow of your arms between me and danger.

All the wishes of my mind know your name,
and the white desire of my heart,
they are acquainted with you.

The cry of my body for completeness,
that is a cry for you.

My blood beats out your name to me,
unceasing,
pitiless,
your name, your name.

-Mary Carolyn Davies


My thoughts to my husband of 10 years.