Monday, February 25, 2013

I find myself happy

I just found myself moving in my chair to the sounds of jazz music that my husband had playing in the background. I didn't realize I was doing that and it hit me all of a sudden, I'm happy.

I've been happy for a long time, but a friend of mine gave me a card a few weeks ago that said "she never realized how perfect she felt until now".  And it's so true. To know there is a little one growing just inches from my heart is the most amazing indescribable feeling. I learned that this week it is moving and if I push hard enough the baby would respond to that. It also is learning to suck. Just thinking about a little 2 inch lime sized baby sucking is amazing to me.

I've been doing well, feeling well. I'm working a lot right now so I have to be careful with my free time as I feel very tired most of the time.  This post will be short because of that.  I just got home (at 10pm) from work, dinner and grocery shopping. Drew is amazing. He's putting all the groceries away and picking things up before he goes to bed. He told me to go to bed, so naturally I listened but thought I would blog for a min first. ;)

I just discovered that family is coming in March. I'm so excited about that! Kelly is coming at some point, not sure when, and Kari and family are coming for Easter. I'm so thankful that they are willing to come to me. I miss all of them so much.

I went out in the snow storm last friday morning to find myself some pants that I could wear to work. I've decided I need to feel comfy and my other pants aren't doing it. So, I found ONE pair. But I guess that's better than nothing.  I have several jeans my friend gave me, but I really needed dress pants. That's what I wear everyday so I have to feel comfy at work.  So with that purchase that brings me to 3 pairs. :)  Happy me.  I was overwhelmed with love from a friend that I haven't seen in over 10 years. Her and her husband support our ministry (the only people who have faithfully given every year since the beginning of our ministry. AMAZING!) and I sent a letter recently sharing what's happening in our lives. She sent me a great letter back sharing with me stories about her children (now VERY big and practically out of the house) and how faithful God has been for her and her family. She also gave me a generous gift so I could go get something nice for myself. Little did she know that I needed dress pants so bad and the day I had a meltdown about feeling "fat" that letter came. God is so kind to me.

There is more I could say as people have been pouring themselves out with joy and prayers for us, but I have to go to bed. I'm so very tired and we are up early for work tomorrow. Thank you all for continuing to pray for me and the baby. I know that it is why this baby is growing so well and feeling so much love. I'm so blessed.

Good night for now....

xoxo

kat

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Smiths + 1 = 11 Weeks

Hello 11 weeks!!!!

Here we are at the beginning of week 11 and I can't believe it.  We had our first OB appointment today.  I was extremely nervous.  We walked in and I stumbled over my words while trying to 'sign in'. I then fumbled through my purse to get my insurance card and proceeded to turn around knocking things off the shelf.

"Sit down and breathe!", Drew told me.  "I'm nervous!", I said back to him.  He smiled and said he knew that and that it was ok.  We were about to say a prayer together when the door opened and it was my turn. Those nurses never come when you want them to and the moment you need a minute, there they are! I went in and got weighed (NOT my favorite part) and then the nurse showed me to a room where she asked me a few questions as well as asked Drew a few questions. She told me the dr. might want to do an exam so I was to get ready for that. Dr. W came in and she was so excited about our pregnancy.  She's a straight shooter kinda lady, yet very laid back.  She's experienced and has been doing this for over 20 years. She congratulated us and then we talked for a bit.  She told me my pregnancy has been great so far. That we were really lucky to get pregnant the first time and that we were equally lucky to only have one.  She said twins, although cute etc cause a higher risk to the babies as well as the mother. I knew all this, Dr. B said the same thing, but I guess the more I hear it the better it makes me feel that I only have one. Even though I still cry sometimes about the one that vanished. She said everything looked great. She did a quick exam and then she pulled out her monitor, squeezed the goop on my belly and for the first time in that office with that doctor I heard the heartbeat. I don't think I will ever get used to hearing that noise. It was 170 and she said that was right on track. It sounded healthy. I'm doing it right. The baby is living. God is protecting it. It is still growing! She told me because everything is going so well I am NOT high risk and I won't have to go back for FOUR WEEKS!!! UGH>>seriously, there should be a special lane for IVF patients (especially ones that have waiting for over 12 years) to have ultrasounds every other week. I mean, waiting 2 weeks was hard, 4 WEEKS?? I'm gonna need some distractions.

After the next appt. on March 13th we will wait ANOTHER 4 weeks for the next appt. which will include our ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby.  Yes we are going to find out. Yes we are going to share. I'm not one for that kind of secret. I mean, I can't keep it that long, nor do I have the energy to try.  And I've waited this long, I'm done with the whole waiting thing. I really think for me knowing the gender will allow me to bond with the baby too.  I'm excited to find that part out. :) But again...8 weeks away. 8. (Lord help me!)

Drew and I left the office and as soon as I got in the car I started crying. I cried for the next few hours. Yes, that means at work. Yes I had to explain to Mark the guy I share a cube with that I'm crying because everything is great and I'm happy and not to worry. (he offered me his kleenix AND his wife's number who is a labor and delivery nurse. I might have scared him a little. haha) But I just couldn't get over the fact that I was in that office. I know, it sounds strange. I mean, I LOVED hearing the heartbeat and that made me cry a little, but what I was majorly weeping over today was that I was one of "them".

I've been going to that office for at least 5 years now for my yearly exam. Every time I go I see pregnant women and they are all cute reading their little pregnant magazines. That was never me. I thought that would never be me. Ever. So although I was happy for them, I secretly rolled my eyes at their glowing face and smooth hair. I longed for there to be an office where I could go for my yearly without being reminded that I was NOT in that club nor was I going there anytime soon. Dr. W was the one that encouraged us to think about IVF. She told me she thought we had a really good chance for it working. It was strange to go back to that office as me-the new pregnant lady. Me. I sat in the chair (after picking up everything I ran into) looking at those magazines sitting on the table. I could read those now. I kinda wanted to, but there was something in me telling me that was still for 'them'. I know it sounds crazy cuz it's just an office and they are just dumb magazines, but for me it was 12+ years of avoidance of something that was extremely painful to me. So to look at them and know I now have free admission to read them and be there, well, I just felt bad. Disbelief. Undeserving. Confusion. Nervous. Confliction. That was what I was feeling before they called my name and made me step on that stupid scale.

But today I conquered one more hurdle in that old land where I used to live. I showed myself that I do belong there now. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I'm a mother. I'm responsible for something that has a heart and it's beating. I'm doing my best and for now, I guess that's enough. I can't believe that God is letting me experience this. I feel like He was with me this morning smiling and whispering, "You were always deserving of this. It's just the beginning". He's just so so good to me. He has surrounded me with family and amazing friends and amazing co-workers (who are really just good friends). I'm so thankful. So blessed. This baby is so blessed. I love it so much already. Who would've thought that was even possible. That I would even have a baby to love. It's amazing how much love gushes in, even when you just open the door a crack.

I even got a special bag full of goodies from the doctor today. And guess what was in it? A cute little pregnancy magazine. Just for me.

Ok, I say yes

On this night 17 years ago Drew asked me to marry him.

I've never been a fan of valentines day. 2 boys broke up with me on that day. One even took my candy filled heart box right out of my hands as he walked off with his friends. Izzy..that was his name. I hate that name.  I think it all worked out in my favor.  But Drew always asks me what I want for valentines day, and I usually say the same thing, "make me something".  Those of you who know drew know that he is creative. He makes awesome stuff when he puts his time and mind into it. So I knew whatever he was going to make me 17 years ago was going to be awesome.

It was a blizzard that Valentines Eve and Drew asked me out on a date and proceeded to drive me all over the place showing me places where we spent time together. I was a little annoyed I have to admit. I had a ton of homework to do and the last thing I wanted to do was be out driving around in a snow storm. Remember those cards that used to be popular with the kids in the black and white photo with the red rose, you remember, right? They were always dressed up to look like adults. They were cute. He took like 12 of those and wrote something sweet in them like a poem or scripture. For example, the first place he took me was the library at the school we attended.  That was the first place we told each other we liked one another. We were in the back of the library sitting on the floor weeping because we were both scared and didn't want to like each other but we couldn't deny that we did. We were best friends and we didn't want to screw that up. But that day, we became more. No kiss. No secret hand shake. Just a conversation filled with lots and lots of tears. He said to me that snowy night, "This is where we confessed our love for each other, this is where you first taught me the virtue of love".  And he gave me a card that had writing in it about the virtue of love. It was sweet. But then he drove me (in the winter storm) to several other places all over town that were monumental to our relationship. First kiss...first movie...first fight...and then we ended up at the church where we were going to get married.  He said, "This is where we will get married and where you will teach me the virtue love again".  He handed me the last card and I thought, "holy moly this is it!" but there was no ring, no proposal. So I thought that was a nice night before V-day gift and he drove me back to my apartment (in the snow).  When we arrived, he walked me to my door and my friend Ryan was leaving. I thought that was strange, but he lived across the parking lot (with Drew) and so I didn't think much of it. I opened the door and all the lights were off. Candles were lit. (this is now seeming QUITE cheesy, I have to admit) and I could see my roommates hiding behind furniture. Yup, this was the moment he was going to pop the question.

He sat me down on a blanket where a picnic of mac-n-cheese and tulips were placed and then he said, "You told me to make you something for Valentines Day, so I thought I would make you my wife"

       ********************INSERT AWWWWWW'S HERE************************

17 years ago I forgot to say yes. But even so, here we are. I'm so blessed to have this man.
I love you drew.
smiths + 1


Monday, February 04, 2013

Wiggles on Graduation Day!

I was away for a long weekend with college girls as Laura and I ministered at a conference in the UP of MI.  It was an AMAZING weekend in so many ways.  I was a little afraid of going as it was 6 hours away from home and from my dr., but God was SO faithful this weekend. Laura pampered me and wouldn't let me walk 5 steps without holding my arm in that crazy 4 feet of snow up there. We also drove everywhere so no chance of slipping!  I was also scared to speak for 45 minutes as I'm usually expressive and I didn't want to do anything too expressive for fear of over doing it with my body.  But I felt great on stage.  I felt great all weekend.  I even got to take a a nice little nap next to this amazing fire that I made.   It was great.

I woke up this morning and Drew and I drove to our ultrasound appointment. I knew if everything was ok, this would be our last one with Dr. B and his staff.  I was nervous. I have been feeling more nauseous lately, and tired as well, ok, and emotional...but I was mostly nervous just praying that everything was ok. There was no reason to feel or think that it wasn't ok, but still, the nerves.

The staff is so nice there.  As soon as we got there they led us into the normal ultrasound room where we got ready. Dr. B came in and asked me if my team one the superbowl.  The regular chit-chat went on and then we started the exam. From the moment anything was on the screen we saw a little, tiny baby leg kicking, kicking kicking!!!!! We were so shocked! I think even Dr. B was surprised.  Drew was shuffling to get his camera out and I think he started crying. I'm not sure because my eyes were totally fixed on the screen.  I had NO intention of seeing a baby leg, let alone see it KICK-KICK-KICK!!!!
It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  He then when on to measure how big it is and told me that "it's not starving" which I guess means it's growing. haha.  Then we heard the heartbeat again, and it was perfectly on schedule with 9 1/2 weeks.  The baby was squirming so much that he had a hard time getting a picture of it at first. He showed us the 2 hemispheres of the brain and how they are growing. He showed us where the spine is developing.  He showed us the umbilical cord. In MY body, right now, there is an umbilical cord! Attached to a BABY! He said everything looks great.  Other great news was that I'm almost done taking my estrogen and progesterone  SO excited about that as those are not fun to take. It was a great exam and I remembered to ask all my questions. It looks like I've gained a little weight through this process (DUH--I'm basically not moving EVER and eating whatever sounds good) but he said not to worry about that. So I will take that advice and finish my Strawberry shake from Coldstone that I asked my awesome husband to get me. He's pretty great. So was the strawberry shake. 

After the exam we walked out to the lobby and heard graduation music.  We have graduated from the fertility clinic.  I can't believe it.

We said our goodbyes and they said there's a place for our baby picture on the wall and we'd better keep in touch. He told us they have a repossess policy if we don't visit and we laughed. Then we lingered in the office for a few more minutes because after all of this it seems strange to leave. But there really was nothing else, so we said our last goodbyes and shut the door on that chapter of our lives. Goodbye infertility.

We got to the car and were beside ourselves with joy. We just laughed and cried and praised God and cried more. You guys, I can't explain to you as I write this in tears, how it felt to see a living being inside my body...kick...kick..kicking.  Drew and I are still beside ourselves. I know we aren't out of the woods yet, and that this is still the first trimester, and blah blah blah...but I have today.  Today I have life living inside of me. Today MY baby that is INSIDE of ME was KICKING KICKING KICKING! One of the most amazing days of my life that I thought I would never have.

humbled...joyous...in awe...blessed...remembered...