passion

It has been a long winter..but I almost saw the sun.


I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:

What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.

I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.

this passion leads to redemption