Praise through the Pain

It's September.  I guess I didn't do what I thought I would in the last post and post something every day of July.  It was a good idea though.  Oh well.  I miss my mom so much lately.  She gave me a card the year before she died.  I read it almost every day.  It says, "Some people are strong and able to handle tough situations.  You are one of them" and then it tells me to draw from the deep wells of life and that is where my Hope lies.  Each year I feel like I have to dig deeper and deeper.  On the inside of the card she wrote, "I will always be here for you and I love you more than any word I know".  I think it strange (and not so strange) that God had her pick out that specific card and write those words knowing that my life might not be the easiest of roads. I can't imagine she would've had any idea what an impact that card and those words have had on me.  She said it, and so I believe it.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It just helps me get up the next day.

It's been a rough few weeks.  We've been trying to finish our process with going through our home study for foster care.  I've been so stressed about this home study and all that is involved with it.  I've been stressing over questions that I fear the social worker might ask me like "what do you plan on doing with your job after you get a placement?" and "how will you deal with the children once they leave and are re-placed with their birthparents?" and so many other questions that I don't have answers to.  We were also told that our water was too hot.  And our apartment complex wasn't going to let us foster but then decided we could if we sign a paper saying that if they receive ANY noise complaints we will be given a 30 day eviction notice.  (do other parents have to sign one of these? NO!)  Then our Social Worker didn't show up for the meeting that we've been planning and stressing over for the past month.  Nope, she didn't even call.  So I was pretty worried and hoped she was ok.  Then I was angry that she didn't show up.  Then I just cried a lot in frustration that this process is taking so long and is so frustrating.  TRYING TO START A FAMILY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!!!!!  And it isn't for most. But for others, its an uphill battle.  Thats just the way it is.  Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for it.  I'm tired.  I shouldn't have to struggle for something that happens so natural (and sometimes on accident) for others.   It's just not fair.  Somehow I have to get over that.

I didn't want to go to church today.  I didn't want to have to explain why I've been struggling or having a bad week-again.  I didn't want to pretend to be happy.  And I'm tired of feeling frustrated!  I'm tired of waiting and hearing of promises that have been fulfilled for others but knowing that mine still haven't.  I'm tired of fighting to remember that God IS faithful and He WILL answer our prayers and that He HASN'T forgotten us.   It's all a little tiring.  So our social worker re-scheduled for this past Saturday and we stayed home so we could have the meeting to only find out at the meeting that she would have to schedule ANOTHER meeting because she had a dentist appointment that day.  sigh.  What can we do?  I have to remember, God is in control.  He knows what our future family looks like. He is making ALL thing come together for our good and for His Glory.  I'm excited about that.  But this morning at church I just wanted to go away.  I kept hearing 'Praise Him through your Pain.'.  And that is such a weird thing to do.  It's the strangest feeling to KNOW and BELIEVE that God is real, that He IS faithful, that He hasn't forgotten us, that He is good, merciful, kind, full of grace etc., yet not FEEL any of those things.  I told Drew it felt like I was in the fire knowing that flames are all around me and telling myself "It's cold...it's cold...it's cold" so that I could convince my soul and body what my spirit knows to be true.  After I said that I looked down and saw this:

My heart really is sitting so close to that flame, yet not being burned.

When I got home tonight from small group I read a few scriptures that friends had sent me. One was Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

It's cold...it's cold...it's cold....I know I can see the flames and it feels hot but I wont be burned.  Trusting Him.  Praising Him because I KNOW it's right.  Because I KNOW He tells the truth.  A good friend reminded me tonight that all things have to be refined and made perfect and a new thing is being made in God's time to raise our kids in a specific way.  God is so good.  And so I close my eyes, raise my hands and praise Him through my pain.  

Thank you to everyone who loves us and is encouraging us through this season in our lives.  If there is one thing that I know it is that we are deeply loved.  And knowing that gives us so much strength.  

and counting....

Well, here we are, at the brink of 40.  Yes, I'm about to turn my last year of the 30's.  I can't believe it's here already.  I'm not depressed about turning 39, last year I was--until Drew told me I was actually turning 38.  Then I was happy happy happy!  I don't feel depressed this year though and that's good.  I guess I just feel contemplative.  What have I done in my 30's?  Was all that running around the country trying to love people worth it?  And to that I say, "yes, it was".  Even though the past 10 years have been hard, I'm glad to be on this side of some things.  30's was NOT what I expected.

I watch the lady I nanny for and she moves on with life as if it's a storybook.  Her kids are cute.  Her job is great.  They make great money and are moving to a HUGE house (yes, I would say mansion) this weekend...on my birthday.  They deserve it, they've worked hard for what they have.  But at times its hard not to look deeper and explore the concrete truth that she is the same age as me.  And the comparing begins...apartment vs. huge house, temp job vs. high salary executive, zero kids vs. 3 beautiful kids....and the list goes on.  I don't want her life.  I like my life.   Sometimes I just feel "at my age" things should look different.  There should be a house, a permanent job, or even just a DOG, but nope.  We are stuck with our 2 fish and rabbit who has an eye infection.  This is the life we lead.  But I do realize this is the life many of us lead.  It's ok.  I'm happy.  :)

This summer also is the 20th year my parents have been dead.  On July 27 it will be 20 years.  It's very strange to even think about it.  20 years.  It reminds me of when I hear someone say, "Oh, that was like 20 years ago" and I think, "Holy crap! That's a long time!", and it is.  SO much my parents have missed out on.  Well, at least they weren't physically here to help and celebrate.  20 years.  I'm a different person.  I still wish I could squeeze them.  Or better yet, I wish they could squeeze me.  Maybe I will celebrate their life by posting something everyday of July until the 27th about them.  That might bring good memories and life into this "20 year" date lingering over my head.  sigh.....

Here I come 39.  Here I come.

another thursday

I keep telling myself to write more.  But sometimes I feel like writing during depression is so sad.  Well, I guess it is.  But I'm trying to force myself to at least get some things out.  I feel like no one really wants to read about my pity party.  But then I remember there are only a few of you who read this and you love me enough to let me hurt.  For that I love you.

I feel awful and I don't know why.  I HATE reading blogs like this so I usually will just not write anything (except for in my journal) that is sad, disappointing or hopeless.  But you know what? That's not real life.  Real life is CONSUMED with sad, disappointing and hopelessness.  There is a woman that I work with who isn't very happy in her life right now.  But she is a Christian and she feels like she has to be "happy" all the time and pretend that life is good so that others will see Christ in her and want that. So I watch her every day work at putting a smile on her face and seem happy.  I know sometimes we have to do that.  I guess I'm not there.  I want others to know Jesus, but not at the expense of being real.  Real feelings sometimes aren't happy.  Real feelings sometimes have to be yelled out at the top of your lungs so God can hear them.  Real feelings create energy for creativity to flow.  Real feelings suck.

I left Drew today to go run errands with a girlfriend.  He was filling out 25 pages of paperwork for the OCS so that we might one day become licensed to do foster adoption.  He is answering questions like, "What are your last 5 addresses" and "In 2 sentences explain your relationship with your parents" and "How do you handle your money"  and " What are your forms of disciplining children" and "What schools would your children be attending" and "What race, age, how many children and what handicaps are you willing to accept" and on and on it goes.....  Not to mention our having to give them copies of every bank statement we have and every important document we've ever needed.  All of this just for fostering, not even for adopting.  It's tiring.  And I don't feel excited about any of it.  I know it's the wisest choice, but again, I don't feel excited about any of it.  I sometimes wonder if I even really want kids.  Maybe it's just too much work.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe I wont make a good mother.  Maybe...maybe...maybe.....

I left Drew to fill his portion of that out and I went to hang with a best friend that is pregnant.  It's hard.  I love her.  I love her baby.  But that doesn't take away the fact that it is hard for me to be with her.  And I'm mad that it's hard.  I'm mad that I can't throw her a baby shower because I can't handle it.  I'm mad that I can't hardly talk about it.  I'm mad that I can't be the kind of friend that I want to be and that I am.  I'm mad that I have to feel this way and go through all that I have to go through.  I'm mad that I feel so alone in this.  I'm mad that there are others that have to do the same.  I'm mad that some parents have children that have disabilities that will live with them forever. I'm mad about all of that.            And yet, they have children.  And I have a husband.  And my single friends have jobs and parents.  It's meaningless to look around and compare.  I know this and that's why I try not to do it.  But it's hard when it's the subject at hand--over and over and over again.  I can only hide in my room for so long.  I just feel run down.

I think it would help if I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I feel I've lost passion for the things I love.  Clearly I have some sort of passion for injustice, but for leisure things I just have no energy.  I'm trying to get out of this house and take walks and breathe.  Some days that happens.  Some not.  My amazing sister just told me, "Just take the next step".  I do like that advice.  But I'm not sure what the next step is.  And frankly, I'm not quite done with my pity party tantrum.

sorrow

I feel like crying tonight.  It is strange.  I was in our first choir rehearsal at church tonight and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to cry.  I AM depressed, I do know this.  But I can't figure out how to push through and be content.

"Why so downcast o my soul? Put your hope in God"

I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I don't feel like my life has TRUE meaning.  Isn't that weird?  I even find that a strange sentence, but it's how I feel right now.  Being busy hasn't given me meaning.  Nor has sitting still.  I keep praying for God to speak to me but He has chosen silence.  Well--except for the hundreds of random hearts I see all day long that he showers me with.  I know, I know, its special.  It is special.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm not forgotten.  I know all of this.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of knocking only to find one more door closed.  I told my friend the other day I don't think I'm a fighter.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I told her maybe I just don't want to be a mom bad enough.  Or maybe I wouldn't make a good mom.  Maybe we never were meant to be parents.  I'm feeling pretty inadequate.

And I wonder why it has to be in my thoughts all the time.  I hate it. Yet I can't get rid of it.  And every time I do have sanity for a moment I get an email from a teen who needs advice on how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.  Or I find out that yet another one of my close friends is having ANOTHER baby.  Did I mention I'm tired?

We are trying to push through and go with our only option, foster care/adoption.  It's not our first choice.  But then I hate any process that makes you 'choose' a child.  I hate the paperwork and the personal questions.  I hate having to figure out and explain where my hypothetical teen will go to school 13 years before I even have one. I hate having to prove that I'm a good person and get letters from friends, family, co-workers, pastors, and my dog to agree with me.  I wonder why getting pregnant it's so hard for some, yet a once mistake for a teen?

Madness. sorrow.

I hate talking to moms sometimes.  Many of my friends are moms.  Most of them are understanding and don't treat me like I'm an ignorant 20 year old, but every once in awhile someone will give me that "well-that's what's it's like to be a mom and you don't know that because you aren't one" face.   Basically I want to punch them. In the name of Jesus of course.

I just want direction.  I hate feeling lost without a goal.  After Hawaii I felt maybe we should try to adopt again and just get more agressive about it.  But, so much money.  So expensive.  Friends of ours told me they had decided to adopt last June.  They found the money.  They just got picked and will have a baby in their home by May.  I wont.  Maybe because I'm not aggressive.  Or maybe its just not my turn.

We've prayed.
We've done accupuncture.
We've seen holistic Dr's.
We've looked into adoption.
We've tried  fertility treatments.
We've prayed more.
Now, we are on to foster care.

I feel sorrow.  and I dont know why.  Maybe I feel sorrow for the unfairness in the world.  That there are people who have had an extremely hard life and yet life doesn't let down and their misfortune continues into adulthood.  It's not fair that the world is a broken place where some waste food several times a day and others don't have any.  It's not fair that some people, maybe even your neighbor, have never heard 'I love you' or felt love from another person.  It's not fair that even though you try and try and try sometimes you still dont end up winning.  Life sometimes just isn't fair.  Unfairness will come.  It does come.  So when it does, how are we going to react to it?

I know I have to move past this unfairness.  I'm actually surprised to see that I haven't.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that never stops.  I feel great and then not.  I feel content and then not.  I feel like we can do it and then not. It reminds me of when my parents past away.  I would wake up in the morning and remember, 'oh yeah, they are dead'.  Then I would cry and get up and start my day.  Sorrow didn't last forever then, and it wont last forever now.

I'm trying.  I'm getting up everyday and trying. I guess for now that's the best I can do.

God is not a liar.

No, He's not.  Waiting....waiting...waiting....

Another one of God's kisses

Nope, no new word on the family front.  Drew was telling me he was trying to blog today but it seems there are too many things to say and he ran out of time.  I agree.  This is the reason for my 2 blog entries today.

God is revealing...uh sorry, downloading things to us and basically these things cause us to be overwhelmed, squashed and humbled.  I've been feeling 'whatever' about our current situation in life.  Our goal=get a family.  But we need better jobs to afford it.  So, our goal=get better jobs.  But we can't get better jobs unless God gives them to us.  So, our goal=get God to give us better jobs and a family.  sigh.  I haven't found the secret to get God to do something.  Nor do I want to.  The thought was brought up last night during prayer, -let Gods will be good enough.

Is it? Is God's will good enough for my life?  If this is it, would that be good enough?  selah indeed.

For whatever reason last night our prayer group just had a time of repentance.  When was the last time you repented of anything?  I never do.  It was strange because from 5 min. into our quiet time I started crying for repentance.  Then that was what we were going to be praying about later. We spent 2 hours repenting our guts out for lack of honoring Him, lack of respect, no trust, wrong theology etc.  It was a good personal time with God.  God knows what He's doing.  Having a realization of my sin or smallness is so good for me.  It forces my pride to bow to the King of Kings.  It pushes out anything that is flesh.  By the end of the night I was just thankful to be loved by God.  I'm thankful to feel His peace and recognize He IS in control if I let Him be.  He WILL and IS taking care of me.  I honestly didn't think of children at all.  It wasn't about that.  It was just me and The Father.  So, so good.

Then I walked to the car.

On the way to the car someone from the group came up to me and said, "Kat, I feel God wants me to tell you 1 Samuel 1.  Hannah.  I don't know why".   sigh.  I can't get away from it.  God constantly wants me to know He is in charge and that He hasn't forgotten.  I KNOW GOD--I GET IT!  If you haven't read 1 Samuel lately, it's all about how Hannah was barren.  She was at the temple crying "out of my deep anguish and grief" when the priest spoke over her and soon after this she conceived.  She told God she would dedicate this baby to Him.  And she did.  I've always told God I would raise my children strongly in the Lord.  How could I not?  Of all the years and dozens of times we have received scriptures and words from people, I've never received 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah.  I like Hannah.  A woman of her word who loved God.  I'm not sure of God's purpose for giving me a scripture last night.  It came from an uncommon source who didn't know my story.  But I do know this, God loves me deeply.  And I love that He continues to kiss me with His words.  

God's downloads.

Lately I've been hearing the phrase, "God has really been downloading some stuff to me".  I think that comment is very funny.  It makes me think we are in the Matrix and at any point during the day God can just flip a switch and we know how to control a helicopter.  But I guess when God gives you a new revelation it is sort of like that.  The hope is that God will in some way open our eyes, our hearts eyes, see God and change our ways.  Or at the very least recognize His love and live differently.  Well, God has been downloading into me lately.  Here is something from a few days ago.

Drew and I were praying and Drew was reminding God of what He promised us and gently nudging Him to fulfill these promises.  "Remember us God? Remember that we are waiting for you? We are waiting for breakthrough with jobs, remember?  And I'm not sure if you've looked around our house, but we don't have those children you promised.  Maybe it was just an overlook on your part, I mean, since you promised it and all. "  These weren't Drew's exact words, but it has been the spirit in which we pray lately.  Don't get me wrong, God has blessed us SO much lately.  He has provided for our bills in September by somehow taking a little and making it enough!  And we even, somehow by the Grace of God and I'm still not sure how, were able to pay for 4 new tires that we needed.  (It's weird how your car actually feels new when you can't feel every crack in the road for lack of tread. God is good!)  So, yes, He has been at work.  But those big breakthroughs--those that bring us stability and make us feel normal, those He keeps from us.  But as we were praying, I stopped Drew.  I told him, I didn't feel like we needed to remind God of His promises and here's why.

If we trusted Him we wouldn't keep asking.

I pay the bills for our family.  When we first got married I was in accounting.  I'm better with money than Drew.  He could do it, but this is just how we've decided to do it.  I agreed to make sure they are taken care of.  Drew knows this.  He knows that every month I'm going to pay the rent, electric, gas, cable, credit cards, car insurance bills etc. He trusts that every month I will write those check.  He trusts me.  He doesn't come to me on the 15th and say, "Uh, Kat, it's the 15th.  Have you paid the electric bill?".  He knows I will do it.  Mostly because I said I would and he trusts me.  So, why is it that when God says He will provide for us and give us strength when we need it, we question Him?

It's almost like we are saying, "Prove it to me God.".  Oh man.  The God of creation who knew me before I was in my mothers womb, who created ALL things, who guides me and holds everything in His hands, who is the same yesterday, today and forever stands looking at me and smiles with compassion at my immaturity. Or at least I hope He's smiling.  My constant reminders about what HE said have to seem ridiculous to Him.  It's almost like He's saying, "I KNOW what I said.  I SAID IT!  I TRUST and BELIEVE what I said, do you?"  Sadly, when I really thinking about it I have to respond with, no, I guess I don't.

Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him 3 times the night he was betrayed. Peter responded, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Matt. 26:35.  Basically Peter told Jesus he was a liar. A harsh statement, but still true.  What's the difference between Peter and me?  I allow fear to root itself in my heart because I don't know my future and I'm basically telling God He and His word are a bunch of lies. I'm telling Him He can't handle it, He's too weak, He doesn't know or understand my situation and He obviously doesn't care because He does nothing to fix it.  But God is more than a carpenter.  He's not there just to fix my brokenness, although He does do that.  He wants me to be strong-made for something durable.  I've said before sometimes life hurts so bad all you feel is Jesus.  And I think that's the point.  We need to get to a place where God can actually rule.  A place where He is allowed to touch us.  Sometimes that means waiting.

God is gracious.  I'm unbelievably grateful for His grace and His Mercy.  I don't deserve it, but He lavishes it anyway.  He loves anyway.  He heals anyway.  He provides despite my lack of.  He loves deeply and persists on surrounding me with His glory.  He truly is an amazing God.  Even if I'm not expecting Him to be.

blogs, buttons & babies

Who knew buttons were so hard to put on your blog.  Well, maybe it's not supposed to be hard, but for some reason I missed the boat on how to do it.  So now I have 2 HUGE buttons that you can push if you are interested.  One for the ministry.  One for the awesome teen magazine I've described below.

So, I met a new Dr. yesterday.  She is amazing, very direct.  I went just to meet her and make sure it's who I wanted to use for all my woman needs.  My current Dr. is a bit of a drive, so I was looking for someone closer.  After meeting this new Dr. she asked me lot of questions about our past. She ended up explaining a few more options we have as far as infertility testing.  She seemed very positive and told me we need to be aggressive in pursuing children and at the very least find the bottom line.  She wants to run a few tests and just see how my levels are.  I kinda just sat there with my mouth open not knowing what to say.  I wasn't there to discuss fertility treatments, but I found myself listening to her and agreeing, maybe we should.  Maybe we should at least hear our options.  She understood our past.  She understands our present.  But she also wants a future family for us and believes it's possible.  It was a good feeling.  It was a weird feeling.  It's not often you feel like you meet someone who understands what you're going through.  Still not feeling 'hopeful' necessarily, but at least it's another door to explore.

I don't know which way God wants to use to bring our family to us.  I wasn't expecting to go back into fertility stuff.  sigh.  We haven't given up on adoption yet.  I missed a call today from another agency.  I have a few questions about income requirements etc.  I just hope for God to lead us.  We want what He wants and we will just keep moving forward and moving where He directs.  Just this morning I was reading Philippians 3

12 But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Yes, forgetting what is behind.  Pressing forward.  Not knowing what that looks like is the scary part, but baby steps.  Drew and I are looking for part/full time jobs.  Really just anything that would give us enough income to cause some sort of stability to happen in our lives.  It will happen. It must.  So for now, one day at a time.  God first.  Faith.  Joy.  Love.  Intimacy.  Sacrifice of self.  My face shining with His face.  Then jobs, babies, house/cabin, dog, and any cheese I want to buy.

Blooming

I've been looking around for places to submit some of my writings and during that search I came across a new teen magazine

Bloom Magazine

They asked me to write a column called "Ask Kat" where basically I would answer questions that teen girls have.  It makes me smile, so I said yes.  You can subscribe at the website.  It's a wonderful start for a girl who wanted to see more options out there for Christian girls. It's run all by teen girls (except me) and if you know anyone who would be interested in reading or benefiting from good, wholesome teen girl stuff send them that way.  Enjoy!

Steps to get there

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to title this entry. I can't figure it out. I just see myself eating day old popcorn and watching re-runs of Iron Chef all night. I'm tired. It feels like no matter which way we turn we have opposition. Another week has gone by and my plants are dead and frozen and still no jobs for us. We are trying to stay hopeful, but things keep going backwards instead of forwards. I refuse to stay stuck but no matter how hard I try to shake loose I get more stuck.

It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.

Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?

Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.

What joy do I bring?

Yesterday I was doing my devotional and it was on mutual love in marriage. The scripture was taken from Ephesians 5-6 and basically highlighted our respect and honor we should have for one another. I agreed with the parts that told me to yield because I respect Christ. I also agreed with the part that told my husband he was to love me as he loves himself. Then they took a portion from Proverbs

Be happy with the wife you married when you were young.
She gives you joy as your fountain gives you water.
She is as lovely and graceful as a deer.
Let her love always make you happy;
let her love always hold you captive.
My son, don't be held captive by a woman who takes part in adultery.
Don't hug another man's wife.

Proverbs 5:18-20

As I read this I thought, "Yeah! Be happy with me! Look how awesome I am. You should hold me captive. Stop looking at other women! Look at me! Look at me! I'm amazing!". But then I reread what it says. "She gives you joy...she is lovely...graceful...let her love make you happy..." then I wondered, do I give him joy? Does my attitude from morning to evening burst with something, ANYTHING to bring my husband JOY? Oh man, sadly my answer is far from yes.

I don't make it easy for him. I don't feel joyful, so how can I bring him joy? I recall Drew telling me one time that he loves to watch me speak from stage. I'm all lit up and he sees Christ working in me. I'm confident and strong. And I realized, I'm at my loveliest when I am in Christ.

Even when I'm in a season of dry desert blah-ness, I know I can still look and smell lovely in Christ. But I can only have that covering, that wrapping of Jesus if I spend time with Him. I must allow Him to calm me, bring me peace, whisper truth to me. The truth that He loves me. And He has a plan and purpose for me. That this isn't the end, there is more coming. Even if I sit for 5 min. it makes a difference.

In Christ we find out who we are and what it is we are living for" Eph. 1:11.

It's not my job to bring my husband joy, but it is my job to allow Christ to BE my joy. And in turn, Drew sees that and not only finds rest but encouragement. He drinks in that joy as a fountain that gives him water and in turn, is more than happy with the wife he married when he was young.

burned and peeling

This past weekend was wonderful.  D & I went up north with friends to the most unbelievable lake.  I'm not really a lake girl, but this lake and the time spent there felt like I was on a tropical island.  It was so peaceful and relaxing.  The water was tropical blue and the lake was so clear I could see the bottom at 20 feet beneath me.  I needed to get away.

I keep trying to hear God speak, but He seems to be pretty silent with me as of late.  I'm trying to find a job which comes with lots of questions about who I am, what kind of job I can get while working with otb, where does God want me to work, and on and on.

I got burned this past weekend on my face.  Today it's peeling.  It's so annoying to get burned.  It hurts, it's flaking all over and my skin is hot and tight.  I realize this only lasts for a few days, but those few days are so annoying.  I feel like this is my life right now.  Just sort of flaky and annoying.  Unsure of whether I want to work full time or part time.  Get a meaningful job or a non-meaningful one.  LOTs of questions up in the air.  Today I got 3 job offers.  Can you even believe that? None of them are a sure thing, but I'm not sure which way to go.  Hopefully something will surface and I will make a choice.

I'm trying to do research on publishing a book.  I have it mostly written but not sure where to go from here.  Everything seems really big to me right now.  sigh.

ADOPTION

WE HAVE DECIDED TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!


Now before you start asking lots of questions let me answer some.  For the past few months we have been contemplating adoption as we move forward with our lives and journey for a family.  We still VERY MUCH believe we are going to have biological children, but feel at this time God wants us to adopt.  We are SO excited to begin this adventure and as we move forward I'm sure I will be blogging through the difficulties as already there has been many.  We aren't completely sure if we want to adopt domestic or internationally, but we are feeling more led at this time to adopt internationally.  God could definitely change our hearts on this, but this is where we feel the most peace right now.  We are looking at a few agencies and are wanting to make our decision soon so we can start fundraising.  So, if you know of any organizations that help financially with adoptions, please let us know.  We are open to all advice and support!

A few obstacles that stand in our way:

Jobs.
We need better jobs.  Currently I'm working 10 hours a week as a nanny and have committed to work there for at least a few more months.  I am nervous to get a full time job because if we adopt I don't want to have to work full time with kids.  And part time jobs are also not easily workable with schedules etc.  We are still traveling with onetimeblind a few times a month, but each month is different and we can't rely on getting paid regularly.  Drew loves his job as a server, but he's not making enough money either. So we both sit and wait while looking for other opportunities God might have for us.  We are not giving up, but just need something stable.  In this economy..sigh.  Jobs would not only give us stability as a family but allow us to pay off debt and move forward.  Maybe even get a second car that we need in 2 months before the snow hits, or get new tires for the one we have.  We are working so hard and not getting anywhere.  1 step forward and 2 steps back.  We keep hoping for something better.  And we serve a God that loves to provide and work miracles, so we are counting on that.  We've never had a back up plan, just God.

Housing.
We live in an apartment.  It's a nice apartment and I'm happy with it.  I've become accustom to its balcony and deer walking along the path of trees as the little bunnies hop.  For reals.  But when adopting it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone else has a house, and a yard, and bedroomS (plural), and dogs etc. I start to feel abnormal and like we could never adopt.  I know this isn't true, but its what the enemy tells me.  The truth is we haven't been able to do much because of our income.  I don't think people realize that we have never had even an average income.  People are surprised when they hear we are having difficulties paying our few bills.  It's ok, this is what we have chosen, but it's troublesome when life/God has other plans and we aren't given natural children.  We now have to work for it. A lot. I wonder how living in an apartment could be a better life for this child we might adopt.  SHEESH, what's wrong with me? But I feel myself labeling us, labeled into a category that we didn't choose.  And categories suck.

Health.
I am depressed.  There I said it.  But who cares? Lots of people are depressed right now.  And rightly so, life is hard!  We have been in "transition" for years now trying to figure out what God wants us to do while trying to (and sometimes putting off) figure out how to heal ourselves enough for God to give us children.  So here we are not traveling much, still trying to have children, not very much money, and trying to adopt.  We found out that we aren't eligible to adopt from a certain country because I'm depressed right now.  (roll the eyes) MILD DEPRESSION PEOPLE!  But still the news doesn't put me in a happy mood.  This particular country doesn't want you to have any health issues.  It was frustrating. But we reminded ourselves that we are praying for God to shut the doors He doesn't want us to go through since we feel there are so many options these days.  So when He does this we need to be ok with it.  He is and will give us His BEST.  I wonder what that is?
*and yes, I'm on meds and feeling better.  Many of my friends call it the happy pill and they are right.  It helps me think and get out of bed.  That is a good thing.  Now if only they could come up with a pill to solve my problems.  ;-)

God is on the move.  I know it.  I've never been through such a strange season of my life where there are lots of directions to move in and I'm not sure which one to go.  I'm being forced to figure out who I am and what I want out of life.  Family, marriage, housing, career, dogs and bunnies, so much to think about.  So we just have to start moving and pray that God will close the wrong doors like I said before.  So--life will go on and get better.  I know it.  This season reminds me of being born.  At least what I think it would feel like.  Lots of pushing, nasty liquid stuff, big things coming out of places that don't seem natural, and one comfy season leading to a whole new world of seasons.  Yeah, birthing.

So please keep us in your prayers as we continue to push through on our journey.  I will be updating regularly as the adoption process is SUPER overwhelming.  God has a plan.

“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”

– Unknown

I can see the blooms

Drew and I have been trying to make some pretty hard decisions lately about our life. One of them being our jobs. Onetimeblind decided last fall that we were going to slow our travel down to only traveling once a month. This decision was made so that we could feel 'normal' and have more stable lives for ourselves and for the Mac's kids. It was a great idea and as we all found home churches and started getting involved in the community things seemed to sort of fall in place. Life seemed to be ok. We knew the jobs were temporary-ish and were just to pay our bills. I got a nanny job that would work with my schedule and was very flexible. Drew works as a server at a local organic restaurant. He loves his job, he just doesn't make that much money. I liked my job, except I started to go a little crazy taking care of someone elses kids and not my own. So I lowered my hours and am now looking for yet another part time job. I was encouraged to do some self looking and figure out what makes me tick and go that way. So I've been trying.


Last night I was sitting in my living room worshipping to some music when I looked up and saw the reflection in my tv. The sun was going down and so it was turning dark in the room, but outside it was still light. The reflection showed me sitting in darkness but able to see the blooms of my flowers out on our balcony. They were crystal clear to my eyes.

It's weird to always feel like you are sitting in darkness looking at a reflection of growth, beauty and promise. I wondered if the Israelites felt trapped as they marched for so many years. Still in the presence of God, yet not feeling satisfied. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Isn't it God that DOES satisfy?


God does satisfy me. But I'm still living in this world and although I would like to stay in His realm at all times, I still have to encounter DTE and figure out how to live. He does bring us peace to make decisions and he opens doors as well. But sometimes I get very tired of relying on Him constantly. I know that sounds bad, but when it's the middle of the month and you once again have no idea how you're going to pay rent and you're running out of rice and you've lost your focus and can't see that open door so well, kingdom seems far away.


I have to take breaks from reading magazines, websites, facebook etc. They are filled with people living life while I sit feeling like I'm waiting for life to continue. People talking about their kids starting school or saying their first word, others talking about their youth ministries and success in life...I'm just not there. I seem to not really fit in anywhere right now. Caught between ministries, waiting for my next step but not having any clue as to what that might be. I DO have love, compassion, vision, passion, ideas and something to give. Much of that stuff actually. I just don't know where to give it yet. It's not very fun to be 38 and feel like you're just graduating college. Or at least status wise. Drew text me today and said "Lets run away to northern Idaho and just watch elk and mule deer and drink water from mountain streams.". My depression is rubbing off on him a bit I think. But that's the thing, I don't think you can just stop being depressed. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it to, or maybe it does but your stuck in the mud and as hard as you try to get out you just feel like you're spinning your tires. (which by the way we need 4 new ones I found out-and rims)


You can't stay stuck forever. I refuse to do so. I just know I'm ready for the "and suddenly" that the bible talks about. You know, when something seems impossible then the scripture says, "and suddenly" and then God moves in mighty ways. He is SO good. He is SO perfect. When He moves IT IS AMAZING! He can do things others cant even imagine to do. He IS. And He will FOREVER BE. yes. yes. yes. He is mighty to save. Not just for our salvation, but in our daily lives. In our deepest desires and prayers. All seems hopeless in that dark living -room, but those blooms are real. I just have to keep turning around, getting up and waiting for Him to open the door.

And He will... one day. 

sea sick

I think I'm getting sea sick. Some people describe their life as mountains and valley's, but I feel lately my life is more like this ride I saw at an amusement park a few weeks ago. We were in Minneapolis MN for a onetimeblind trip. One of the evening activities was going to an amusement park. As we were walking towards the big coaster we stopped to talk to a few people from the conference. We didn't notice right away, but there were other people stopped as well. The reason was because everyone was watching the ride in front of us. We were standing in front of the RIPTIDE. It's a ride that is shaped like a u and would spin around. So the giant U would go up and down in a circle, but at the same time your chair would move as well. But as if that wasn't enough spinning, spraying up from the bottom of the ride was water. This water reminded me of the Las Vegas dancing fountains that are so pretty as they danced to the music. This "fountain" however was dancing more on the screams of children as it sprayed up into their faces as they swung by. And every once in awhile the ride would stop as the water sprayed up forcefully letting the lucky rider really get soaked. It sort of looked refreshing, but it made me feel a bit sick as well. Up, down, up, down, spin, spray, spin, screaming, up, down, spinning...yeah, right now, I feel a bit like that.

Yesterday church was amazing. God's presence was POWERFUL and I felt so much peace, joy and freedom. I danced so much my legs are stiff today. Seriously. That didn't happen even in the 90's at the Wayside (long story). It was an amazing day filled with God's Presence, birthdays and balloons, and wonderful fellowship. But today, was a bit nerve racking. Hopeful, yet sad. Exciting twisted with confusion. Unfair and unjust. It kinda felt like the world was not balanced properly. And I guess it's not.

Sometimes life gives me too many choices and I'm not sure which one to choose. I'm not sure there is a wrong door, but I still have to choose one. This stupid compassionate heart. sigh.

Lots of questions. Lots of feelings. More than I can explain right now in this moment. Maybe tomorrow the clouds will clear and something will remain. I just don't think it was supposed to be this hard. But what can I do? Just sit still and let the water force it's way up my nose. And keep remembering it's not forever. I'll be on the ground again soon.

19 and I'm all grown up

My little brother told me once that it felt weird when you reach the year of your parents death that was the age you were when they died. He was right. It is weird.

This has been an extremely emotional month for me. As I read through my mom's notes she had written me through the years, I miss her. I am so thankful for all of the mothers in my life that have all joined together to help fill that huge hole in my heart. It's taken hundreds of women to fill it, but God is faithful in bringing them to me. I think He knew I would not only need a lot of help, but just need a mom hug sometimes. So, I guess starting tomorrow I'm all grown up. Knowing my parents dead longer than alive really sucks. I know this is pretty morbid, but sometimes life is just that way. Growing up and dealing with real life issues isn't very fun. But I need to look at my parents and learn something, ya know? I want a peaceful life. I want to be fulfilled in what life brings me. I just need a few days to shake off the disappointments of "this isn't what it was supposed to look like". I guess I find comfort in knowing that she is happy, peaceful, whole, and loving the presence of our Father. THAT makes me very happy. A few stories, in memory...

My brother and I would ride bikes in the summer almost every day. I clearly remember riding around our house and whenever I would get to the kitchen I would look up and see my mom doing dishes and smiling at us.

In the winter, my dad would always make us go with him to get wood to chop. I always hated this because I never wanted to be outside in the freezing weather. On many occasions I would tell my dad I wasn't feeling well because of "girl issues" and he would just say, "uh..go to the house". He either loved me enough to over look it, or he just didn't realize that I used this excuse about once a week. :)

My mom and dad were square dancers. I know, I know, but this used to be a popular thing to do and they would go almost every other week or so. They would get all dressed up and my mom would wear these huge skirts with petticoats and I remember them being so happy. Often, as we were getting ready to leave, my dad would always sing as he was shaving. He would finish and my mom would look so pretty that he would come over and call her "legs" and sing, "Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone.." right before he kissed her. She pretended like she didn't like it, but I think she really did.

Dad was the best whistler, roller skater, and swimmer.

Mom would always start these projects. Big projects. Like one day we came home from school and a wall was gone. She said she wanted the room bigger. Dad was just as surprised as we were.

----you were both a little wild and unpredictable and I love & miss you. I might remove a wall today while whistling in your memory. xoxo

Ele-fun? I don't think so.

There is this game called Elefun . The kids I nanny for love it. It’s a plastic elephant whose nose comes off and you fill his body with little tiny butterflies. You replace his nose, turn the switch on and air flows from this little guys body up through his flimsy plastic nose pushing the butterflies out of the top to allow them to fly. The kids and myself each have a net and as the butterflies come out we each try to catch them. It’s a cute game, but today I felt a little sorry for the youngest who is 2. We turned the air on and up came the butterflies. As much as he tried to catch those little butterflies they kept missing him. He would hold his net still, he would move it around, he would put it high, he would put it low, but still, not much luck. I, on the other hand, just sat there and they just happened to fall in my net. I wasn’t moving around or trying. Why is it that sometimes in life some people don’t have to try at all and they get blessed and abundance and others try everything they know to do but still sit with an empty net? It is a frustrating question. Sitting here watching the rain and feeling frustrated about my life I feel like that little 2 year old boy. I have lifted my net in laughter, I have lowered it in waiting, I have sat still, I have danced around, but still-the blessings fall all around me and I can’t seem to catch them.

Yesterday the woman I nanny for (who does NOT know we have been trying to have kids for 8 years) told me her 6 year old was asking how NOT to have kids because when she gets older she thinks having babies will hurt so she has decided to adopt. Her mothers answer?, “How do you NOT have kids? Just pray to God, hunny!” followed by much laughter. Because of course if you pray to God to have or not have children He listens right away. I understood what she was saying. She’s a mother of 3 busy, under the age of 6 kids and had no problems getting pregnant. Infertility is a foreign concept to her. I understood the joke, but it still hurt as I walked back to my quiet car and she drove home in her suburban full of giggles. Again, don’t blame her, she doesn’t know about my situation. I just get tired of these situations happening to me all the time. I can’t live under a rock and feel self-pity constantly, but the moment I feel like I can smile or gain ground something like this happens to me. I’m tired.

The little 2 year old got tired of playing the game after not catching very many butterflies. Actually, one day he grabbed that elephant, tore off his head, put his hand down in there grabbing the butterflies and forcing them into his own net. Yeah, I can relate. It looked violent, it was. But I can still relate.

Where do we go from here?

I just want to move forward. I don’t want to think about family anymore. I don’t want to think about kids coming down the stairs at Christmas or someone giving me a Mother’s Day present. I don’t want to think about how other people feed their kids junk food all day and allow them to play in the front yard and get locked out of the house for an hour with no parent looking for them and they are only 2 and 3 years old. (yes, this really happened to the neighbors I sit for. No one thought it strange that a 3 and 1 year old were outside alone crying because they didn’t know where their daddy was. Eventually he woke up and came outside. No words.) I don’t want to encounter kid stuff or family stuff. I just can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated. I have given all of my love and energy to everyone elses kids and I have none left. I don’t regret influencing other peoples kids as I love kids. But doing it while thinking, “one day I will do this for my little girl or boy” it’s just too much.

God is still good. He always will be. I’m not mad at Him. How can I be? He is my Savior and He is SO gracious and Kind. His love and acceptance for me is the most important thing to me. I still have that. He hasn’t left. Just because He decides to give a certain type of gift to one person and not to the other-it doesn’t change how He feels about me. Just because I don’t get what I have begged Him for doesn’t mean I don’t love Him. Nothing has changed. He still died for me. He is still coming back. The End. Everything else is just blessings on Earth and sometimes we get them, sometimes we don’t. I can’t strive to “do the right thing” or just wonder what I haven’t done so that He would bless us with children, finances, house or whatever. I AM thankful that He hears my prayers. I AM thankful He has given the gift of children to others I know that I have prayed for. I AM thankful for my husband and brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. There is ALWAYS MUCH to be thankful for. I’m not trying to complain about the things I don’t have, I’m just tired of playing the game. I can’t play the “maybe this month He will bless me!” only to be disappointed again. So I’m going to just try to be happy with what I have. I’m going to try to do something everyday that makes me smile. I’m going to try to find God’s kingdom right here, right now. All the other stuff is too stressful. Maybe I’m not a fighter. Maybe I’m wimpy. But this is where I am. And as much as I want to rip the head off that elephant, I know ultimately it won’t solve a thing. Maybe I will just try to rejoice in others being blessed and just move on. And maybe one day, when I’m not even looking, that butterfly will actually land in my net.

Your Prayers Are MIGHTY.

April 19, 2010


Please pray for us.

In working with the creative process of filming our onetimeblind mini movies, I have learned of something called “Breaking the fourth wall”. This means you normally can’t see behind the camera and so you are forced to only be engaged with what you actually see. You hear the actors tell a story and this is reality for you. But the truth really lies beyond that fourth wall. That’s what’s actually ‘real’. It’s where people are holding cameras, lights and microphones. Others are rushing around trying to make sure the scene is going the way it’s supposed to. I have decided to break the 4th wall and let you all in on our intimate journey. The reason is because we really love you and want your prayers. For those of you who are straight and to the point and don’t want to hear the long Smith story, just read the next paragraph and you will get the gist of it. For those who want the gory details of Kat’s heart, read on. And just so you know, we love you all more than words can say.

We want a baby. Please pray that God gives us one.

Many of you know this and have already been praying for and with us for years. Thank you and we hope you continue to petition God on our behalf. I have tossed around the idea of telling the world that we are trying to conceive for a while now. I thought, “Why not tell people and get everyone in the world to pray and believe with us?”. In a stale world where people are robots that idea would work. But our culture has to have a cure for everything. There is always an answer, and everyone has it. We can’t just listen to each other and love and pray. There needs to be a quick fix to make our lives perfect. Sadly, sometimes there isn’t. I don’t blame anyone for trying to explain away the circumstances of life. I have done it myself. To my friends and family and even strangers I apologize for saying stupid things about your sensitive situations. We all take for granted what we already have. We can’t help it. When we meet people we can’t relate to, we honestly don’t know what to say. So we blab off some crazy phrase or word to try to help. It’s with a good heart and intention that this happens, but just so you know, sometimes it’s just ok to say nothing.

Our journey started about 8 years ago when Drew and I were starting to feel that itch. Many of our friends were starting to have children, and we were ready to start a family. It was a struggle from the start as we tried to imagine having children travel with us on the road in the ministry. We had friends who did this and we saw how hard it was. But we also had other friends who had 8 children and made it work. (They are amazing-seriously) So, we wanted to be in God’s will and hoped He would bless us as we moved forward. At the same time a few of our best friends were going through the same thing. I remember we would cry together because our hearts would yearn for a baby as our husbands tried to figure out what the big deal was. (God bless them) We so badly wanted to have children. We didn’t know why we had these desires all of a sudden, but we kept praying. We finally felt like we got the green light from the Lord and so we all started “trying”. I thought it would take one month. It did for my friend. We had heard of a female band that all tried to get pregnant at the same time. They planned it that way so they could all take the same time off for the babies. It worked for them, why not us? We were so excited for our friends and still felt confident that we would soon follow and be getting congratulations from the thousands of people we meet on the road. 8 years later we are still waiting for this.

I know what you’re thinking. “8 YEARS? Why not adopt?” There are 7 adoptions in our immediate families alone. That’s not counting our cousins who were adopted or our countless friends. We are VERY into adoption. I even see myself adopting one day. I AM PRO ADOPTION PEOPLE! But more than that I am pro-God’s will for my life. And we have been very insistent on waiting for God’s green light for adoption to happen. I can’t tell you how I feel wanting a child as bad as I do, and then starting any adoption process-even just looking online etc.-and feeling uneasy, unsettled and no peace. It’s SO frustrating. I can’t believe that God would put these desires in our hearts and then not fulfill them in one way or another. Adoption isn’t out, but it isn’t for now either. We keep checking with God, almost daily, but still He says wait. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

Prophecy
To believe or not to believe, that is the question.
There are many things I have learned, love and cherish during this barren season and I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for God’s presence in my life. I’m thankful for hearing Him and feeling Him touch me personally. I’m thankful for the gifts He’s given me (see my story of Hope below), and the people He’s had cross my path. God loves me. I know this. I’m specially picked and anointed. He KNEW me before I was in my mother’s womb and He’s given me purpose for many things. I actually believe all of that. I really do. But being those things doesn’t mean you get everything you think you want or should have. It means intimacy. I would never trade that for anything. However, sometimes being intimate is painful.

I met someone who told me God had never spoken to her before. He wasn’t active in that way with her and she was ok with it. I have prayed for God’s overwhelming love to fall on her ever since. There is nothing worse than not having a connection to the Father. I’m blessed in that I feel Him in my life. I see Him working even in the midst of the pain and confusion I feel at times. For me, many of the times God speaks to me aren’t just words, but tangible things. Without going into too many details I will just say, Drew and I are blessed. We’ve had so many opportunities, God encounters and words spoken over us. We’ve met people all over the world that have heard our story and prayed and continue to pray for us. And as much as I love having these moments they are also some of the most painful moments of my life. If I hear, “Just so you know, every person I pray for gets pregnant” one more time I might lose it. I love their enthusiasm though. They are confident that this is the moment and that it’s no big deal. I even had one person tell me when I asked if he would pray for us, “You can’t conceive? Oh, this is an easy one.” as if the last 8 years have been easy. I have to explain that although I respect them it is God that does the giving of life and we for whatever reason haven’t had much luck with that. But of course we receive that prayer while secretly hoping this person really is the key. Maybe this person really can pray us into parenthood. What is most frustrating about these encounters is that most of them pray the same things over us. Life to the womb, the same number of children, even the same sex born in the same order and then they leave and we are left to wait and then to again be disappointed. This=frustrating. What is God doing? With every month the frustration gets stronger. More anguish. More discouragement. More tears. God is desperately trying to strengthen my hope with His messengers because they get more intense every month too.

The Coffee Is Bitter
There is nothing worse than bitter coffee. We just moved and our favorite, beloved, part of the family, our coffee pot, broke. We aren’t feeling great about our new place so the coffee pot breaking made me even more blah. So for a few days we used a French Press. I love French Press coffee, but the longer you let that thing set, the more bitter the coffee turns. I don’t know if that’s true, but it seemed to be happening to us. There’s nothing worse than really bitter coffee. I fight daily to not become bitter coffee. I wake up and drive to the job I felt led to work (yes, it’s a babysitting job for 3 very cute, well taken care of kids=torture) and then come home to my quiet home while hearing about how lucky I am to have the silence. (Just when I wrote ‘silence’ a little kid sitting behind me on this plane started screaming. Seriously. I just burst into laughter)

I can slightly understand the Israelites and their struggle of hearing about “someone” who is coming to deliver them but that “someone” never showing up. They heard that for hundreds of years before Moses came. Then once he did show up I can understand their frustration of wandering in the hot, barren, no life desert and wondering if life-real life- was just around the corner. In my beginning years of trying to conceive I listened to Sara Groves Painting Pictures of Egypt and was convicted of “if it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason for all this time and sand?” I thought, “Ok, Lord, I’m trying to be a better person so you will bless me”. And for years I tried to “do the right thing” and just be content with where God had/has me. But you know what? I’m not content. I’m not content with waiting and waiting and waiting. Every month it’s getting harder to fight off those bitter feelings. I can now begin to understand why Sarah made the mistake she did. It was even more intense for her, as there was more pressure to have a child to carry on the family name etc. It meant everything. And so she found a way through Hagar and Ishmael and changed the world forever-and not for the good. Stupid Sarah. But I DO understand. I remind myself there is power in my choice and then I crawl back to my corner and wait some more.

What Can You Do?
I’m making a list of people I know that are in my shoes. It gets bigger everyday. There are a lot of us out there. I talk about it from stage sometimes in our ministry, but I had no idea there were so many closer friends that are also praying, hoping and waiting. God is faithful. I know this. It’s true. I guess I just want people to not only join Drew and I in prayer for our family, but to become aware. Why the big secret? I’ve been asking myself this question lately. Why is everyone so quiet about infertility? Then I realized, they don’t want to hear the things I’ve heard. This “struggle” is so intense we can hardly watch tv as we are bombarded with baby commercials. We can’t to shopping because if I see one more mother walk away from or yell at their 2 YEAR OLD in Wal-mart I might commit myself. We can barely function some days so to open a door to anyone and everyone to give us advice and answers, well, it’s just too painful. It’s too risky. So on behalf of all of us who don’t have screaming kids but wish we did, I have created a cheat sheet for you.

Please, if you ever meet someone who is trying to conceive don’t say these things:

1. You know you have to have sex to have a baby, right? Better get busy! (dozens of times I have heard this one. You know what? –not funny.)
2. Have you thought about adoption?
3. Don’t worry, just relax and it will happen.
4. If you start to adopt you will get pregnant.
5. Be patient, God isn’t finished with you. It’s just not your time yet.
6. Have you been to the doctor?
7. How old are you? You have plenty of time. (For me, this has changed to, “37? oh. Have you thought of adoption?” Nice.)
8. At least you get to have a lot of sex and have fun trying! (Let me take a moment to tell you how much of a lie this is. Yes, I’m getting personal. I want you to imagine a world where an egg is released once every 30 days and you only have a certain amount of time to fertilize such preciousness. You know it’s time because you’ve been obsessively taking your temperature and it happens to spike during the most inconvenient time of the day. Nonetheless you try to not think about the reason you are having sex, to make a baby. But you can’t help yourself. You both hope this is the lucky month and all the planets are aligned, you prayed the right prayers and everything is perfect. (Did you know, even healthy people who try to conceive only have a 20-30% chance of conceiving? Yup, having a baby is a miracle.) And once it’s all over you just cry from all the pressure and past disappointments. All of this to say, trying to have a baby=no romance=no fun.)

And don’t say anything else that makes it seem like you have the answer. The truth is, sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes there is nowhere to turn. Sometimes you’ve tried everything. Sometimes it’s just a God thing.

I hope you don’t think I am mad or hurt by any of you who might read this. As much as I understand the comments above and the reasons for saying them, I just might need help one day with how and where to adopt or which doctor I should go see to help me through my pregnancy. Here’s a good rule. If you have been through infertility, you can say whatever you want. Otherwise, just love the person. I have so many friends who just love me. They might not understand any of the decisions we are making but they just love us. They send quick notes of prayer, scripture, they hug us, they just love on us. And that’s all we need. It doesn’t matter what struggle you have. People just need to feel loved and walk through these times together. We will never understand why things happen the way they happen. I will never understand suffering and why some seem to have to go through more than others, but I do know this, God is right. He is always right. My understanding of Him is SOOOOO small and I just have to rest in knowing that He is right. I might not like the circumstances of my life right now. Or the season I am in, but the bottom line for me is God is right. He is faithful to His word. He doesn’t torture us. He is faithful and kind, slow to anger RICH in LOVE. He holds me (and those suffering or waiting) closer than I know or can feel. And this is true with many of my friends who not only struggle with fertility but many other things. I have another list of friends that are waiting for a spouse. I pray for them often. Everyday I’m like, “Come on Lord! DO SOMETHING!” I don’t know what He is doing. But I am thankful for amazing friends and family, a church that I love, intimacy with Jesus and so much more. There is MUCH to be thankful for these days.

So, I will bring this blog entry to an end. But again, the reason for it was to ask you to pray for Drew and I. We want you to pray in agreement with us that God will give us children and soon, like now. We feel so led to children and like I said, it gets more intense all the time. But we still feel led to wait for the right time of it all. So we just keep ‘trying’ and praying. God is faithful.

Thanks & MUCH deep love for you all.

Hope Lifts Us Up

“God has amazing plans for you and He is faithful in fulfilling His promises!”

I’ve said this phrase so many times I’ve almost become numb to it. I’m a speaker who travels with a ministry sharing the love of Christ through drama, music and speaking. I tell people across the country that God is amazing-that He can do anything. Some days I believe this, but in the past few years my heart hurts when I tell others these truths because I believe God can do anything for other people, but I’m not so sure what He can do for me.

My husband, Drew, and I have been trying to have children for more than seven years. We’ve had our trials through this process as traveling for a living and doctor appointments don’t always cooperate with each other. Although we still believe God will bring us children in His time, the waiting has caused my heart to wax and wane with wonderings and doubt.

Walking the road called “Infertility” has caused me to reevaluate hope and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells us in Romans 5:5 that “hope does not disappoint us.” I want to live and breathe what the Word tells me. The confidence I gain by having God’s Word in my life is invaluable. However, this verse is hard to understand. Every month as we claim God’s promises and still don’t see the physical evidence of them, this verse leaves me more disappointed and confused. Hope gets more difficult every month, and compels me to question God’s promises and faithfulness in my life. I wonder if He sees me, hears me, or if He even cares.

But then something happened.

In the fall our ministry had a program in Missouri. I finished lunch and went for a walk and ended up in a Hallmark store. It seemedlike it would be a good distraction from my thoughts. As I was looking around, I noticed some little angel statues. They are carved wooden images of people-a little girl holding a flower, a mom holding her baby, a dad with kids and puppies. I did my usual glance and roll of my eyes. These statues were a glaring reminder of things I don’t have.

But then I saw a statues at eye level-a child holding a wire that formed the shape of a floating balloon on a string. He was looking up at the balloon as if it was about to lift him from the earth. Inside the balloon was written the word, "Hope".

It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".

Hope lifts. Hope lifts. Hope lifts. I just stood there staring and then began to cry because I didn’t feel this was true. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. We have prayed and tried to have children for so long. Every time I see a mother with a child, something in me yearns, longs, and exasperates to be blessed like she is.

Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell my heart one more time to "wait" and it will laugh. Wait sits on the outside of my heart and has been there for so long it seems to have taken me prisoner.

But strangely that is also where Hope knocks. He is like a little kid playing a prank on my heart. You know the trick - there’s a knock on the door and you go answer, but when you open the door, no one is there. Then when you close the door, there is another annoying knock.

I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year, and I can’t help but fall for its trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that I will not Hope this time, or fall for Hope’s tricks, I see something in the window, just for a moment, then it’s hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair, a tiny shadow, a smile. A child playing tricks, knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. Disappointing is the wrong word to describe it. Hope is hidden.

After my Missouri trip, I drove to visit my sister and was thinking and praying about this Hope that confuses me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that so deeply struck my heart. There was something about it that brought peace to me. Hope lifts...Hope lifts....

I thought about asking my husband to buy it for me. I hadn’t told anyone about that statue and that intimate moment with the boy of Hope. I knew if I explained why I wanted it, Drew would buy it for me. I thought, No, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving, continuing to pray about my life.

I had a great visit with my sister and her family. I hadn't seen them for several months and the visit was priceless. I was standing at the door saying good-bye to everyone with my coat on and bags in hand when my sister said, "Oh! I almost forgot. I was downtown last week and went past a store and thought I should go in. I did and when I saw this, I knew you just had to have it.” I looked at the box and read, “Hope Lifts Us Up.” I burst into tears.

He hears me! And He says, “Hold onto Hope.”

We don’t have children yet, but I know God hasn’t forgotten us. His plan is right on time. When I look at the statue now, instead of “Hope disappoints,” I think, “No more Hope deferred!” (Proverbs 13:12). I am clinging to Him as I continue to push through these times of waiting. May our eyes be opened to His love that pulls us closer to Him, because sometimes the pain is so bad, so deep, all you feel is Jesus. And isn’t that a good thing?

Keep hoping. May it lift us up. And one day, Hope will lift us from the earth, and float us gently into our promise land.

yoga requirements

Things are always changing around us. Even as I look outside I see the leaves changing their color on the tree. Seems early since it's barely September, but God is in control and He will do things on His time. I laugh as I write that God is doing something early because it never seems to be the case. He isn't late either, but He's always right on time. His time though, not mine, and I hate that. The Lord of the Universe frustrates me with that "His time" thing. But the truth is, His timing really is perfect. Even though I can't see the end or even the middle of this story, I am learning to trust that the end is good. No, not good. OVERLY BLESSED!

We have decided to settle down a bit and only travel once a month or so. With this comes questions galore about how we are going to pay not only ministry bills but our own. So we change our direction (the way we think-the way we live) and are getting full time jobs outside of onetimeblind. This has been difficult as change always is. Drew has just started working at a restaurant and seems to be loving it. Ryan has applied at a few places and is WAITING to hear. Laura, well, she has her hands full with the change of going from 3 kids to 4. And I have also applied for a few jobs and WAIT to hear from them too. Ryan and Laura are also looking for a car/van and hope to move into a house early spring. Change. Drew and I keep praying for children and refuse to give up as we relentlessly chase the Creator of all things. And we all wait. It seems so many of my friends are in a waiting place of some kind. Either waiting for jobs, kids, houses, direction for the future, healing or just dinner-these things take time.

Change is hard. But it feels good. It's kind of like stretching muscles you haven't stretched in awhile. It hurts, but it feels good too. I have been doing on exercise program lately and included in the week is a day of yoga. I had never done yoga so I had no idea that it was so hard. I mean, I would watch people do this and they are moving so slow! I thought, "what could be so hard? And how are they getting tone bodies from practically doing nothing?" Again, I had no idea. Try yoga sometime, that's all I have to say about that. I honestly think yoga should be a requirement for all mankind because it really does teach us so much. Yoga is about balance, and focus. It makes you calm yourself down and concentrate on your muscles and on relaxing. One section is mainly related to balance and my instructor has me balancing on one leg or one toe or one finger etc. It seems impossible and as you stand there and try to focus you begin to shake. But he encourages you, "Keep Standing! You can do it". So, I take a deep breath and continue holding my stance. Sometime I fall out, but the instructor again says, "Sometimes you will fall out, that's ok, just regain your FOCUS and get your balance again". Sometimes I balance for so long my body trembles from the muscles straining. And again he says, "Do your best, and forget the rest".

Do my best and forget the rest. I think life could be boiled down to that simple sentence. We are trying to do our best. Everyday we keep holding our stance and focusing. But you know what, the world is cruel, and the enemy is even crueler. He will throw any distraction, worry, problem, or fear at us that he can. The last think he wants us to do is FOCUS. So I start to tremble and listen to him and see others falling out. My spirit feels faint and I get confused and scared. And then I hear my exercise instructor tell me, "The tip of the day is 'just breathe'" Wait. Refocus. Balance again. I feel my muscle being stretched. Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out.....and somehow as I keep breathing and pushing my muscles get more loose and the stretching almost (I said almost) feels good. Strength training. I guess as long as we keep breathing through this stretching and waiting in our lives, we will gain strength.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

I was encouraged to write from a friend we haven't seen in awhile. He told me he reads my blog sometimes and wondered why I hadn't written much. That sent me on a path of thought to review the past few years. Drew and I had been taking care of a friend who was terminally ill. For two years we lived with him, fed him, helped him bathe, filled his needs and tried to make the last few months of his life wonderful. I believe we did this as we loved as unconditionally as we could. Yes, we made mistakes, but we always felt like God was going to redeem us. It was a stressful two years. Last fall our friend had to move into his mothers house and because of our attachment to him we all decided it would be best to not remain in one anothers lives. It was hard. We were stressed in every area of our lives. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Financially. All were a wreck. We needed Jesus more than we ever had needed him before. For 2 months we did nothing but sleep, go to counseling and try to figure out what to do. In a sense it was like we lost a child we never had. For those 2 years that we took care of him, we didn't do anything else. We gave up our families and friends, each other and ourselves. We hardly ever visited anyone and no one ever came over. We lost ourselves.

7 months later we are slowly finding ourselves and one another again. We have recently moved which has been AWESOME! God has led us to an unbelievable church with the kindest people and neighbors who have already become dear friends. We are excited about our future. He seems to be moving all things into place for us, our future, and our family.

God truly is making all things new.

I was at a show recently and talking with a friend who told me he wasn't mad at the circumstances in his life, but just disappointed. I was struck by this statement because, well, that's not ok. And because I understand. But, I believe God is not a God that disappoints. I TOTALLY BELIEVE He will give us what we ask if we come to Him asking for it. I TOTALLY believe if we claim His scripture we will receive and the things that man tell us don't matter. MAN IS FAULTY! I read a scripture that night at focus. 2 Corinthians 1:3-10

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
 8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us


The thing I got out of this scripture is that God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort (v3). HE comforts US so that we can comfort those who need his comfort. Sometimes in certain situations we cant comfort in a way that we don't understand. For example, I have several friends who have had miscarriages. I feel the loss they feel in that I don't have any children. And I have a compassion for any loss that people have to go through. However, there is a depth to that specific loss that I will never know. (and hope not to know) But there are other losses or things that I have felt deeply that I now can comfort others through. God has comforted me and led me, pushed me, drug me, carried me, skipped with me, walked with me through many situations (emotionally, physically, spiritually) that I couldn't do on my own. And now I am able to give that comfort to others feeling that same deep loss as I did/do.

But--it goes on to say, "If we are distressed, it is for your comfort, if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same suffering we suffer." To me, this is saying the pain I am going through is to produce patient endurance in others who are also going through the same thing. I guess it isn't all about me. :) AND--we have hope because just as we share the same suffering, we will share our same comfort (which is God).

And v. 8-9 says Paul and peeps were so stressed and going through hardship they even thought they were going to be sentenced to death. I feel troubled, but I know I have my life-for now. But he says that it happened so they would rely on God and not ourselves. Lord help us, more of You and less of me.

BUT then the BEST PART is v. 10

:He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us! On HIM we have set our Hope that he will continue to deliver us, And back in v. 9 he mentions that we might rely not just on God, but on "God who raises the dead."!

What does this mean? Holy crap, it means if we put our Hope in Christ he will comfort us yes, but we must remember at all times HE IS THE GOD THAT CAN RAISE THE DEAD!!!!! You need a miracle?

I know I do, and I'm praying for one. And God is going to give me one. We put our hope in Christ who can take something that is dying, dead, broken, missing, damaged, and HE can RAISE IT UP! I love God.


The problem for me with this scripture (however much I love and believe it) is that word that haunts me....Hope. In a cd that I just got from a dear friend the description had this sentence, "There are still women who weep hopeless tears." May we cling to the promises of LIFE and RESTORATION in the scripture and press into it. Write it on our doors, windows, fridges, mirrors, pictures, skin, hearts, cars and everywhere else we need to until we believe it.

Oh, God--give us your comfort...and then raise the dead.

freedom at the movies

I am sitting here trying to write a new skit on freedom and watching all kinds of videos about this subject. But I can't stop thinking about what happened to me yesterday.

I got a phone call from Eden who is 5. She explained to me that every year her family gets to pick a football team and if that team wins the super bowl Nana gives them $25. Well, this year 5 year old Eden won. She was given the $25 and her parents told her she could do anything she wants with the money. After thinking awhile she came out to the living room and announced that she had decided what she wanted. She knew she could buy any toy or dvd she wanted. But after much thought she told them she first wanted to give some money to God and second decided to ask aunt Sassy (me) to go to the movies. So she called me to ask if I wanted to go with her. "My treat" she said. Did I mention she is 5?

To put into words how special a person must be to be picked out of all of her friends and family I can't do. Not only that, she chose me over a new doll, high school musical stuff, video game, or a trip to her favorite McDonalds! CRAZY special.

I still don't have a skit on freedom, but at least I feel special to live in a country where a 5 year old can take her aunt to the movies and that's pretty cool.

one hug and a big smile.

So I noticed I haven't really written on here for several months. Almost even a year. I thought I would at least take a moment to share that last night I said to drew, "sometimes I just smile for no reason". And he replied quickly, "Me too!". It felt good. And made me smile again.

This winter feels different. We feel free. We feel we are headed in the right direction walking towards goals, together. I never thought I would be happy like this again. We are so care free and I NEVER want to let anything steal that from me again. I know life is hard, but it seems if we can open our eyes and make some tough choices (righteous and holy choices) that we could have random smiling even during a recession.

Many things have made a difference to me. One is Drew and I made a boundary to not work on Thursdays. This day is holy to us and although making the boundary has been hard and we have fallen a few times, we are doing pretty good at keeping it. I absolutely LOVE living alone with drew. It has been almost 10 years since we lived by ourselves. It was great to be able to help other people and have them living with us, but I think I didn't realize how much it was affecting our relationship. DUH. But now, it is so much fun just being together. I think when 2 people go through tragic, tough times, not having money to pay the electric bill doesn't seem so stressful anymore.

We started working with a company called Mona Vie and we are taking that product. It has made an unbelievable difference in our lives. The juice has super strong antioxidants in it-the acai berry-, it's all natural with 19 different fruits with NOTHING else added. We are sleeping better, feeling happier, moods are better, not as many creaky bones, and just having fun! We are also involved with their personal training system called TEAM. It has been amazing as well. Positive thinking and goal creating is the focus and we can tell a difference. We are on our way to becoming debt free! We had gotten into a lot of debt because we took care of a sick friend for over a year. But we are confident we did the right thing and God will bless us for it. Even financially. We just have to give Him time to work. But this new venture for us has been excellent.

I have so much to do before the Christmas season. We don't have a tree this year and although I love real ones, our apartment wont let us get one. It's probably better that way since we don't have the money. BUT I did go onto freecycle.com and someone has a tree for me in their attic! I have to get it next week. Sometimes it's just fun to make do with what you have. We are downsizing much of our things, realizing we have too much and don't need it. So, life is fun, it really is. I don't feel stress hardly ever.

We created some mini movies
to sell and that is going AWESOME as well. I'm just so excited in so many different areas of life.

We aren't even actively working or thinking about this, but God even sent a man and his wife all the way from New York to pray for us to have children. The same week a woman of God tested us and gave us medicine to help our bodies function the way God intended. God truly is amazing. He is giving us blessing on top of blessing. When the bible says, "Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.", it really means it. I am waiting in expectance for all things to work our according to His glory and for His children who love Him so dearly.

*random smile*

oprah

Last night I dreamed I met Oprah.

Then all of her workers got high and I had to drive them somewhere to get help. They were crying etc. and I was thinking, "How did I get here?" and all I wanted to do was call Drew but my phone was almost dead. I think in the end they took me and put some sort of drug in me.

Oprah was nowhere to be seen.


Does that mean something?

the beauty of hope

the sun never sets without hope for tomorrow...

MY FIRST PUBLICATION!!!!

It is true, I have been published. I don't like the pic so much, but it was chosen by Schmap.com to mark Falls Church on the D.C. map. I am so proud because that church is where George Washington worshipped! Anyway, celebrate and enjoy with me! :)

what to do

What do you do when you believe so strongly in a prophecy because you feel that God has confirmed it over and over and over through the years but no one else believes it? Even the person that should believe seems to take it lightly. I try to live my life the way God would have me live it. THAT isn't an easy decision. There are many decisions I would have made differently if they were up to me, yet I try to remain faithful to His plan that I don't understand. SO WHERE IS THE REDEMPTION that I long to feel? How long must I tread through prickers to find something, faithful. Does anyone really care about anything else but themselves? Is the world really that self focused?

I live in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do. And God keeps sending me back.





I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.

not today

I fell.

Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.

Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...

I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.

I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.

So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.