God's downloads.

Lately I've been hearing the phrase, "God has really been downloading some stuff to me".  I think that comment is very funny.  It makes me think we are in the Matrix and at any point during the day God can just flip a switch and we know how to control a helicopter.  But I guess when God gives you a new revelation it is sort of like that.  The hope is that God will in some way open our eyes, our hearts eyes, see God and change our ways.  Or at the very least recognize His love and live differently.  Well, God has been downloading into me lately.  Here is something from a few days ago.

Drew and I were praying and Drew was reminding God of what He promised us and gently nudging Him to fulfill these promises.  "Remember us God? Remember that we are waiting for you? We are waiting for breakthrough with jobs, remember?  And I'm not sure if you've looked around our house, but we don't have those children you promised.  Maybe it was just an overlook on your part, I mean, since you promised it and all. "  These weren't Drew's exact words, but it has been the spirit in which we pray lately.  Don't get me wrong, God has blessed us SO much lately.  He has provided for our bills in September by somehow taking a little and making it enough!  And we even, somehow by the Grace of God and I'm still not sure how, were able to pay for 4 new tires that we needed.  (It's weird how your car actually feels new when you can't feel every crack in the road for lack of tread. God is good!)  So, yes, He has been at work.  But those big breakthroughs--those that bring us stability and make us feel normal, those He keeps from us.  But as we were praying, I stopped Drew.  I told him, I didn't feel like we needed to remind God of His promises and here's why.

If we trusted Him we wouldn't keep asking.

I pay the bills for our family.  When we first got married I was in accounting.  I'm better with money than Drew.  He could do it, but this is just how we've decided to do it.  I agreed to make sure they are taken care of.  Drew knows this.  He knows that every month I'm going to pay the rent, electric, gas, cable, credit cards, car insurance bills etc. He trusts that every month I will write those check.  He trusts me.  He doesn't come to me on the 15th and say, "Uh, Kat, it's the 15th.  Have you paid the electric bill?".  He knows I will do it.  Mostly because I said I would and he trusts me.  So, why is it that when God says He will provide for us and give us strength when we need it, we question Him?

It's almost like we are saying, "Prove it to me God.".  Oh man.  The God of creation who knew me before I was in my mothers womb, who created ALL things, who guides me and holds everything in His hands, who is the same yesterday, today and forever stands looking at me and smiles with compassion at my immaturity. Or at least I hope He's smiling.  My constant reminders about what HE said have to seem ridiculous to Him.  It's almost like He's saying, "I KNOW what I said.  I SAID IT!  I TRUST and BELIEVE what I said, do you?"  Sadly, when I really thinking about it I have to respond with, no, I guess I don't.

Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him 3 times the night he was betrayed. Peter responded, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Matt. 26:35.  Basically Peter told Jesus he was a liar. A harsh statement, but still true.  What's the difference between Peter and me?  I allow fear to root itself in my heart because I don't know my future and I'm basically telling God He and His word are a bunch of lies. I'm telling Him He can't handle it, He's too weak, He doesn't know or understand my situation and He obviously doesn't care because He does nothing to fix it.  But God is more than a carpenter.  He's not there just to fix my brokenness, although He does do that.  He wants me to be strong-made for something durable.  I've said before sometimes life hurts so bad all you feel is Jesus.  And I think that's the point.  We need to get to a place where God can actually rule.  A place where He is allowed to touch us.  Sometimes that means waiting.

God is gracious.  I'm unbelievably grateful for His grace and His Mercy.  I don't deserve it, but He lavishes it anyway.  He loves anyway.  He heals anyway.  He provides despite my lack of.  He loves deeply and persists on surrounding me with His glory.  He truly is an amazing God.  Even if I'm not expecting Him to be.