Steps to get there

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to title this entry. I can't figure it out. I just see myself eating day old popcorn and watching re-runs of Iron Chef all night. I'm tired. It feels like no matter which way we turn we have opposition. Another week has gone by and my plants are dead and frozen and still no jobs for us. We are trying to stay hopeful, but things keep going backwards instead of forwards. I refuse to stay stuck but no matter how hard I try to shake loose I get more stuck.

It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.

Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?

Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.