Life - always mixed with joy, sadness and hope.

This has been a strange week.

It began on Easter. What an amazing time I had having family over.  Kari and family plus Lou and Dick came over to spend Easter with us.  We were so blessed by our neighbor Molly who let us use her apartment so everyone would have a bed.  Being with all of that family was so wonderful for my heart.   I am so blessed by people who love me, but it's so good to see family that I don't get to see very often. If only my brothers could have joined us, maybe next year. :)   We went for a long walk on Friday (my idea) to feed the ducks.  I thought it would be good to get out, and it was.  However, I didn't think about how the 1.5 miles might feel on my body.  I got a bit nervous on the way back as I was getting very tired, but I took the rest of the night easy and I was fine. The rest of the weekend we spent time just having fun and laughing.  It was so great.

Easter Sunday was met with finding baskets of candy and a sermon by one of my hero's Pastor Richard that talked about how Jesus is the only way and we shouldn't be afraid to say it.  Culture seems to take over our minds at times and we begin to believe in our hearts things that we are reasoning out. But truth is truth, always. It was a good reminder.

Our friends had a baby Easter Sunday as well!  They all were doing well although the baby was born a month early.  He had to stay at the hospital for the week, but he's doing better now and hopes to go home soon!

Monday came and I discovered a co-worker lost her mother on Easter Sunday.  When we went to the viewing she described how wonderful it was that her mother died on Easter.  She said it was the best way to celebrate her 96 year old mothers life and she deserved to go home on that special day.  It was sad to know her mother was now gone from earth, but it was a perfect departing.

I also found out Monday that a friend of mine who was going through fertility treatments like we did, did not have a positive result.  I was stunned.  So many were praying for her and I really felt like it was going to work.  There are no words to describe how I felt about that news.  Knowing that disappointment of wanting and thinking that this is it...when it ends up not being it.  I lived that for many years.  And as another friend told me once, 'Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't take away those deep feelings that I felt just a few months ago'.  That statement is so true.  I felt guilty that the treatment worked for us and not for them, but I also remembered that everyones story is different and this is my story, that is her story - AND that God isn't done with either of our stories yet.  That BOTH stories should and will be filled with hope and blessing and the goodness of God.  To be in His will is the best place to be.  Even if it feels like hell for awhile.  We will stand in the midst of fire, but not get burned.  If we stay close to him.  One of my favorite songs that I listened to all of December..Alright (click to hear).

So as I held the tiniest hand of a newborn in an incubator I thought of the sadness that also surrounded others in my life this week, and I was thankful for life.  I was thankful that there is still hope that things don't end with sadness or death.  New life comes. Life continues.  Life takes over.  Life brings laughter and joy, in the morning.  There is hope because there's always a tomorrow. God is good. And that little baby hand was precious.

As I held that little hand I kept looking at him and thinking, "Oh my word...this is inside of me..growing".  I can't explain how strange that is.  I've felt little movements this week almost everyday. I'm SO thankful! I was crying to drew and saying that I couldn't feel anything and then as I'm saying it, I DID feel something.  So through my tears I say, "I can't feel the baby....Oh wait..I'm feeling it now.....".  And Drew was like, "Are you serious?". Poor drew...maybe pray for him as my emotions are CRAZY!  He has been so awesome to me. He has been taking care of me so much. I'm completely blessed by him!

Speaking of Drew.... he was accepted to GRAD SCHOOL this week!!!!!!!!  He will be studying (pause while I copy and paste this degree..) M.A./Ph.D. in Depth Psychology with Emphasis in Jungian and Archetypal Studies. Doesn't that sound fun? Basically he wants to teach at the collegiate level and hopes to study more on why man believes what he believes and the core needs of man.  That's about 1/18th of what he wants to do. haha.  He could describe it WAY better than I, but all I know is I'm proud of him. He takes 2 classes at a time and has over 200 pages to read in the first week.  I'm gonna guess cartoon watching will take a backseat for awhile.  ;)  He's so excited and I love seeing him be able to start a life long dream of his.  God is starting a lot of amazing things in our lives.

SO---this week we find out BOY or GIRL! I've had several people changing their minds in the last minutes of guessing.  I will keep my guessing to myself, but I know either way this baby is created for something amazing.  Don't worry, we WILL post this week when we find out and you will be the first-ish to know. I also think we might post on facebook this week.  I'm feeling more confident about just putting it all out there.  Why not, right? We are all in this together. (Don't leave me now people, I NEED YOU!)

Ok--that's the update for now.  Hope you are all happy and blessed.

A word

So my 2 week wait is still in full force. 1/2 way done and for sure this is the worst part of any fertility treatments.  Today was pretty good. I spent the morning crafting and the afternoon shopping. We had plans cancel at night so we spent it watching movies which was perfect for me.  Thank you winter storm.

A week ago three little embies were placed inside of me.  Let's look again, shall we?

Sometimes I just need a constant reminder that God is here. He was there a week ago. He's been here this whole month and He hasn't gone anywhere. No matter what the outcome, this is the season of "God is with us".  

I got 2 encouraging words today.  One from my cousin whom I love dearly. She has also felt the pain and worry of what I'm encountering and gave me great reminders of how faithful God is. Thank you.

The second encouraging word came from a friend who's going through a few struggles herself these days. She reads encouraging words from people on a website that she frequents. It's very encouraging to her and from time to time she will share something that someone has said. December first (the first day of treatment for us) a gentlemen had a word that he posted to encourage people.  This is a generic website and has nothing to do with trying to conceive. This post was just...random.  Here's a little taste. (His name is Kim so don't let that confuse you)

Kim Clement:

"You Have Entered into a Season of Fruitfulness"

December 1, 2012 - From The Den:

"From the beginning, before time began, I knew this hour; I knew this day. Was it hidden from Me? Am I afraid?" says the Lord of Hosts. "Even if Israel stood alone, watch. Read the history. Before time began, I knew of this moment and I knew that from the miry clay would emerge an upright reed. From the mire, I will bring something upright and something good.

"You have entered into a season of fruitfulness, and yet they cry, 'Barren is the land; barren are the people.'" But God says, "I have called that which is barren, fruitful, and I have called that which is weak, strong. And I have called that which is poor, rich. Therefore, say what I say for the redeemed of the Lord shall say So!' Watch and see as I demonstrate My glory and majesty," says the Lord.

What I've been dealing with and what I've been feeling from the Lord is that He wants to destroy unfruitfulness and barrenness and wants to make this a fruitful month and a fruitful 2013. Do you believe that this could be possible? Now if there's faith in your heart, please hear what I'm saying because I am literally giving you a prophetic proclamation that God wants fruitfulness and He wants it this month and He wants it in the year 2013 – and don't tell me it cannot be done.

I was like, "uh...ok".  And even if you don't believe everything that some people say, I will take these words and thank God for allowing this man to give them back on the first day of our treatments. And I will praise God for allowing me to receive it on day 26 of my treatment.  God is so faithful. He has things up His sleeve at all times. You never know when He might have someone call you out of the blue, or give you money at the right time when you need it, or send you a message, or even give you a heart. Have you ever seen the Christmas Story? Do you remember the part when the turkey get's eaten by the dogs and they have to go eat Christmas duck at the Chinese Restaurant? Well there's a 10 second (which is pretty long) clip where they show the outside of the restaurant and if you look at that clip there's a large, clear heart on the roof on the left side of the screen.  God has always been trying to show Himself to us. I think that's why the clip is 10 seconds. You wanna go watch the movie now don't you? :)

We prayed for fruitfulness tonight. Not just for us, but for you too. We pray you are blessed not just for a full cup, but one that overflows so you can share with others. We pray you are healed and that your hearts desires become reality soon. That God would come closer, whisper ... closer. We need Him. I need Him.  Tonight I'm praying for the broken hearted who have lost hope. I'm praying for the girl I saw crying as she was leaving during one of fertility appts. I'm praying for the mother who had to work today and spent Christmas alone. I'm praying for a sick uncle. I'm praying for more Peace. I'm praying for restoration. I'm praying for the employee's who got let go last friday...28 of them..right before Christmas.  I'm praying for another employee who lost insurance because of a health condition. I'm praying for mental wholeness for someone that's close to me. And for friends whose car broke down and a trip to Michigan ended up costing way more than they bargained for. And for appointments that are temporarily on hold. I'm praying for miracles. We all need them in one way or another. My spark of Hope still glimmers for one more day, but we all need miracles. Sleep in peace tonight knowing that we know the Miracle Maker and He knows this story very well. 

Paranoia and jingle bells

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a strange and wonderful time of year. It's the time when children are giddy and adults want to sleep. The last few Christmases have been a bit emotional for me. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because even though this season is about Jesus and giving to others, Christmas is also about the wonder of kids. Watching the kids as they see the Christmas lights and as they're forced to sit on creepy Santa's lap. Watching them buy gifts from the school store for their family (and maybe one for themselves-this happened to my friend! haha). Watching their excitement on Christmas eve, putting out cookies and milk and of course watching them get up early and unwrap gifts. We grew up being those kids; we watched movies that display this "normalcy."  The childlike wonder on Christmas morning is amazing.  I've realized I'm brutally tied to Christmas memories of the past and as I get older the realization of my Christmas present gets more painful.  I wake up, not early. I hear no noise. I see no footie pajamas. The early morning Christmas hours seem to cry of emptiness to me.

I do however feel love. I feel a warm shower and amazing food. I feel overwhelmed by love and kindness from a group of people that are my family. Too many gifts to count. So blessed. I even got a gift that says, "We are Blessed." And we are.

But as I woke this morning, I just felt sad. I was reminded of 2 Christmases ago when we went through fertility treatments and I started my period a few days before Christmas. So the Christmas we were going to "announce we are pregnant" became the Christmas of emotions and disappointments. But I was again surrounded by love and family and again I was thankful.

Midday today I became overwhelmed with fear and paranoia.  It's the fear and paranoia that most women feel during this entire process. I haven't had that. I've been so amazingly covered by friends and family in prayer that God's Peace has been covering me. For real. I don't know how else to describe it.  But today a little fear seeped in. And that led to me feeling paranoid and sick to my stomach.  A found myself going to the bathroom over and over to see if I've started yet. I REFUSE to live like this. This type of behavior is NOT of God and I WILL NOT live the next week or so like this.  Please keep praying for us.

I'm taking medicine that mimics period cramping. My nurse told me I have lots of hormones in me right now so I'm to take care of myself and know that I might be emotional etc. The doctor told me that even if I start spotting or bleeding that doesn't meant that I'm not pregnant. That we had 3 embryos put in us and we wont know for sure until the pregnancy test.

We got back to the house and Drew and I spent some time in prayer. We cast out fear and replaced it with God's truth.  The truth that we are loved and not forgotten. I cried out my emotion and my heart for loneliness, not just for me, but for others that have lived without.  God has an amazing plan for our lives and we are right in the middle of it. He has amazing things to do in our lives. He LOVES to bring WONDER to our lives. The wonder that shows up in the middle of an ultrasound and says, "see those 3 embryos? Now do you see my presence with them?" I know God is with them. I trust Him. If failure knocks on my door and makes its home in my garden, I will not feed it, but keep building my garden around it. And on it. And in it. Until one day it starts to resemble joy.

But until next week when we know for sure, I will cling to Hope.

Hiding in His Wings for another day.

THEY ARE IN!

This day is another day that will go in my life story book.

I drove drew to work this morning and had a few hours to kill before our appointment. I decided I wanted to walk around since I wouldn't be doing much of that for the next 3 days, so I went to the mall. It was actually so fun and relaxing. When I got there Starbucks was open (which I got for free) and the mall walkers were in full force. There was this older man probably in his late 80's bookin it around the mall and 2 other older men were almost running to catch up with him. I sat in front of this HUGE Christmas Castle where Santa lived. Even at 8am children were there lining up.

A woman dressed in 18th Century garb would come out and announce, "ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! WE ARE NOW INTRODUCING PRINCESS SARA TO SANTA!" and then everyone would clap.  The children's eyes would light up as they entered his chambers.  After meeting Santa and getting a picture with him they were escorted out for the parents to then take out a second mortgage to pay for the pics. In front of the Santa Castle House they had a HUGE circular rug with a maze on it.  The children would run in circles trying to follow the lines of the maze.  They were so cute. It was the pure child-like carefree love and life. I sat peacefully watching them, just thanking God that this child-like carefree love and life still exists. 

Mary said, "but it's too wonderful"  "Is anything too wonderful for God"? So Mary closed her eyes and trusted God. 

We left for our appointment and Drew decided we should have Krispy Kreme, so we made a quick stop through the drive thru and still made it to the clinic early enough to pray. 

We were quickly escorted to a little room for me to change and get ready for the transfer. Now we just needed the Dr., he was running a bit late. Did I mention you needed a full bladder for this procedure? After 10 minutes the nurse came in and checked my bladder.  She was SHOCKED at how full it was.  She told me I could have a 10-15 second pee.  I was happy, but hoped I could stop at just 15 seconds! But I knew I could pee a lot in that small amount of time, so I was thankful for every second. 

"that which was conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit"

Finally Dr. B showed up and came in to talk to us about our embryo's.  In the last 2 days out of 8, 1 stopped growing :( , 4 were in a C range,  2 B- and 1 B.  What this means is, the lower ranges were slowing their growth. :( They will continue to grow and be watched for possible freezing this week. BUT--there were still a few good ones to transfer and he said normally he would put 2 in and freeze one, but he was more comfortable with putting in 3 if we were ok with that. PRAISE GOD!!!! That was the number I had been praying for.  God is SO good. 

"suddenly an angel of the Lord was there and the glory of the Lord shone around them" 

They say when the embryo's are transfered in you it looks like a flash of lightning. I wasn't sure what we would see. The "flash" is really the fluid around the embryo and the embryo is inside of that. With all of this on my mind, we entered the surgical room and they actually let me empty MORE out of my bladder. So thankful. Then the procedure started. (OH--they let me take valium, my new favorite drug. I actually didn't feel anything until I stood up. That stuff is GREAT!) The Dr. put in a catheter and then the embryologist brought in the 3 embryos.  The ultrasound tech was showing me on the screen where the catheter was and then where the embryo's landed.  It all took about 3 minutes, but during it I noticed something....

God kissed our transfer. :)

My ovary showed up as a heart. If you haven't heard my heart story, I will be posting a link to it soon. Then you will understand why this heart is so amazing and unbelievable.  That even in a moment when future babies are transfered in me...God's Glory was present. He is SO good. We were speechless.  Drew couldn't believe it and then started crying. Even one of the techs in the room said, "It looks like a heart". It's sitting right next to those embies. 

"this is real love..not that we love God, but that He loved us"

Here is a close up of the embryos: 

In case you were wondering, those are MY embryos not like fake ones on TV. Well, ok, they are Team Smith Embabies. Aren't they cool looking? God made those! I find it so amazing that God can create such intricate things and those cells that we can't even see without a microscope multiply, find a cozy home, bust out of that shell and form a real human being made in the likeness of God. We all started that way. We were all one of those cells. We looked like that, maybe even like the one in the upper right corner looking like another heart-ish figure. (I think that's the girl) The most advanced one we had was in the upper left corner. Isn't it pretty? I think they are super cool, and now they are swimming - well, more like floating. Dr. B said it's like dust particles in the air, they won't fall out because they don't respond to gravity like that. They just float around waiting to find the wall to cling to. But once they find it...good stuff happens.  

ok, ok..maybe not that one...that might be too many.  Maybe it's more like this one..

I love those videos. So now, we have the 2 week wait. We go in again on Christmas eve morning for a blood test just make sure my meds are at good levels. After that we are driving to Mama Lou's for Christmas!!! I'm excited to get away for a bit. It will be good to see family and rest some more. We will be there for the week and then our next appointment is......well, we are keeping that one a secret. ;) But it will be a few weeks. 

I'm sure I will be blogging more since I'm stuck on the couch for a few days. I know I keep saying it but I really mean it, you all mean so much to Drew and I. Thank you for being a part of our story. Just like my birthday this year, I feel overwhelmed by love. I'm speechless at God's presence in my little life, and the love and support we get from all of you. If there's one thing I could say about all of this I take the words of Elizabeth:

"God has blessed (me) above all women, and (my) child is blessed."  I am blessed, but not just because of possible babies, but because of your love.  Thanks. 

Day 3--still waiting!

Waiting is getting harder! I'm trying so hard to not get excited. I hate getting excited. I'm so thankful for all of friends and family who are excited for me, but excitement often leads to disappointment in my life.  It's not that I'm trying to be a downer, but it's how I feel.  I know God can do amazing things. I believe He has an amazing plan for my life.

OK--now for the exciting update:

Dr B called today and he sounded a bit tired. He asked me if someone had called me and then gave me my update from yesterday. He caught himself and then gave me my update for today which was....

4 embryo's are now at 8 cells
1 embryo is at 7 cells (catching up!)
2 embryo's are at 6 cells
1 embryo is at 4 cells (poor little guy)


Dr. B was happy about these numbers and said he thought for sure we would have 6 good embryo's!  That's more than I had hoped for. :)  So for sure we will be implanting on Wednesday.  Dr. said it will either be very early in the morning or later in the day.  I'm hoping for early, but I have a feeling it will be late afternoon.  Then I will be on bed rest for 3 days! I'm not used to just sitting around so I'm taking ideas for what to do.  Drew tells me to just relax. I'm not sure what he means, but I know he's right. It will be good to do that. Until then I'm cleaning, cooking and trying to finish some Christmas stuff. Only a few days left and then we are heading to Mama Lou's for Christmas! I'm excited to go and get away for awhile. I'm so blessed to work at a place where I get the week off.  It's a huge blessing in this season of fertility. God is so good.

I pray God blesses the families in Connecticut.  It's hard to be in a season when my life is filled with such hope and excitement while others are filled with sorrow and despair. May God bless them tonight and the days to come. May their lives see hope once again.

Egg Hunt

That's what Drew TWEETED today.  "Looks like a great day for an egg hunt!". He's crazy.

I tried to sleep in today since my appointment was at noon.  I didn't want to wake too early as I had visions of drinking a pot of coffee accidently or eating an omelet or just sitting around and being hungry. SO, I woke at 9, took a shower, took all my jewelry off and put on some comfy clothes.  As I was taking off my jewelry I took of my star earring. I know it sounds weird, but I've never taken that earring off since I put it on a few weeks after mom died.  We went together to get our ears double pierced.  She got one pierced on the right side, I got one pierced on the left. When she died I put her's in my ear and haven't taken it out since. I know that seems probably strange and maybe icky, but it was a memory, and I sort of hold onto those.  haha.

The place for the retrieval was different than our dr.'s office so I was a bit scared about not getting there on time. But we arrived on time (THANK GOD) with no problems even though our car still has a multiple personality issue and the console was blinking 1/2 the time. We pulled in and saw this beauty:

I think these signs should be everywhere.

We went in and were promptly escorted to the back where I put on a gown and some booties. The nurse came in to take my vitals and give me an IV. They were all a bit surprised that I've never had an IV before. I'm not allergic to anything and I'm basically pretty healthy. Throughout this whole process everything has been as smooth as it could be. I'm so thankful.  I know much of that is from all of you praying, so thank you so much.

The nurse told drew to step back because sometimes when putting the IV in blood splatters. um...ok.   Then she tried to find my vein which she didn't have luck with.  So she tried to put the IV in - twice - with no luck, first on the left arm, then on the right arm.  She said she only tries twice and then gets someone else, so off she went to find someone to help.  She was a nice lady, but wowsers. A man came in wearing a gold chain hidden in his chest hair.  I thought, so...I can't wear jewelry, but you can...interesting.  He was the anesthesiologist and was a very nice man, despite his chest hair.  AND he put the IV in my vein in about 10 seconds.  He became my hero. I now know why IV's are not fun. And that man can wear gold anytime he wants.

Dr. B came in and was in a jolly mood. He asked me how I was feeling etc. and then asked how many eggs he promised me.  I told him he said maybe 8 or 9.  He smiled and said he would do his best. Which I knew he would.  It's strange how you can meet someone a few times and feel so comfortable with them. Dr. B has that affect on people. He said he would talk to Drew after it was over.

All of a sudden there were a lot of people coming in and one nurse told me she was going to escort me to the bathroom and I was to kiss my husband for "good luck".  After "using it" I was escorted into the surgical room.  I guess it looked like a normal surgical room, I really only have movies to compare it too. It wasn't sterile white, but it was cold, I know that. There was an extremely scary looking bed in the middle of room and they told me to sit down as they got me ready. Enter..Dr. B!!!  My Dr. is awesome.  He came in smiling and told me this bed was better than the CedarPoint chair they have in their office.  (I got stuck in that chair and they literally used WD40 to get me out. HA!) The anesthesiologist put a VERY nice warm blanket on me and I said, "Oh, thank you, that's ni...." aaaand out. I was afraid of not falling asleep during the procedure, not to worry. Whatever Mr. gold chain is getting paid, he deserves more.

I woke up sitting next to drew.  He told me later that I was in there for 35 minutes.  Within that time he was escorted to a special room where he did his part. Then he talked with Dr. B who told him I did great and that he was proud of me.  He then told Drew he retrieved

10 EGGS!

And everything went well. He was pleased with that. They brought Drew back to sit with me until I woke up. Meanwhile, I think he got bored and he took some pictures.

So thankful for Drew. ;) What makes boys want to torture their wives when they have no control? Ryan does this with Laura too. I'm pretty much making him make up for it by getting me drinks, food and basically anything I want.

So, with 10 eggs cooking and trying to make friends with 10 lucky sperm, I'm home resting and hanging.  They said I might have some cramping and light bleeding but so far so good. I had a small amount of cramping but nothing that bad. Again, God is being so faithful to me.

Tonight we watch White Christmas, look at our crooked tree and be thankful.  Tomorrow we go Christmas shopping (thought I should start that at some point), have our first night of Christmas musical at Church and find out how our embies are doing. (I just learned that's what they are called.) It's going to be a very exciting day!

Day 12.12.12

WOW! Now this was an amazing day. I woke not expecting much, but we went to our appointment at 8:15.  It was crazy busy there.  We arrived and there were 3 couples ahead of us already having their appointments and one other person in the waiting room.  We were told at the beginning of the cycle that we are one of 8 other couples.  We are all on the same cycle so I guess that's probably why it was so busy. We got our blood drawn first (usually we have our ultrasound first) by the same technician as yesterday. I was a bit scared because yesterday when she took my blood my arm hurt for over an hour. But today she did better. :)

We finally had our ultrasound and my follicles were ripe! That sounds yucky, but I guess that just means they are ready to go.  I had 8 on my right side that were pretty good sized and only 1 on my left.  It's so weird how the left side of my body has always been a bit off balance.  My hair is thicker on the left side. My foot is bigger on the left side. When I smile my left eye squints.  It's like all my life my left side is trying to rebel against me.  But....the doctor was still pleased with the amount on the right side, so that is good.  He told me he thought I was ready for the

HCG TRIGGER SHOT!!!!!!

For those who aren't sure what that is...it's basically the shot that tells my body to ovulate. And it has to be at a very specific time. An exact time. Nurse Patti said she would call me later with the details and she explained how we were supposed to give the shot and she mixed it for us and gently placed it in a cooler for us to take home. Oh, she also drew a very exact circle on my hip so Drew couldn't miss the spot.  Drew was very careful with the box. heehee. 

The timing of the shot has to be exact depending on what time the retrieval is.  The retrieval happens 36 hours after the shot.  So, later this afternoon I got a call from Patti telling me my estrogen number is over 2300 which is great! And retrieval will be at 12pm on Friday. So that means my shot has to be given at....(can you do the backwards math?)...1AM TONIGHT!  yikes. So it's 11:30, I'm tired, and we are waiting. We thought about going to bed, but frankly we are so tired we might not wake up. So we are waiting.  And watching cartoons of course. (drew's favorite) But the BEST news is Dr. B will be doing our retrieval!  He's going away for the weekend so we thought we might not get him, but because our retrieval is Friday he will still be there. I'm SO THANKFUL!!!!!!  I like the other Dr. too, but he's just not my dr. , ya know?  Dr. B is the best. So thats my biggest blessing for the day! PRAISE GOD! It calms my fears just a bit. :)

Did I mention the trigger shot is the last shot? So the final total is..21 shots. wowsers. But I'm thankful because I know women used to have to do more. I took my last dose shot a few minutes ago. Now waiting for the other. 

Tomorrow I have ZERO shots! YAY!!! I can't have any food or drink 8 hours before retrieval so (counting backwards again?) well, that basically means I will be starving by the time it's all over.  And we will be going to sonic for a Cranberry lime-aid, loaded tots and possibly a strawberry shake.  In my mind that's where I see us going, but reality might look more like me sleeping and going home.  Either way, it will be SO good to have that over. 

I'm nervous about the retrieval.  I've never had an IV. I've never had a procedure where I'm knocked out except when I got my wisdom teeth out. I don't know why I'm so scared about that, probably just fear of the unknown.  I guess I've never had 9 full grown follicles in me either.  You know the feeling when you have to pee SO bad, but you're driving so you have to hold it and you start to cramp a little? That's what having 9 ripe follicles feels like. At least it does to me. I've been taking it easy and baby-ing myself a little bit.  Why not? 

Once the retrieval is done, we will know that day how many eggs they got.  They will fertilize all of them and see how many survive.  They usually don't all survive. There are a lot of factors at play here. We will get daily updates after that regarding how they are growing and what they look like.  Depending on how they look and are growing they will either be put in me on day 3 or day 5.  So we are looking to either Monday or Wednesday. And they will either implant 2-3 but not more than that. We agreed that was a good plan. I'm praying for 3 good embryo's. That doesn't mean they will all survive, but it just gives us a better chance for ONE surviving.  

Once the embryo's are inserted I will be on bed rest for 3 days. Then that leads me to CHRISTMAS!!!!  whew...I've got a lot to do.  So this weekend I will be trying to catch up on everything I thought I wanted to do for Christmas so I can get ready for next week.  A big week indeed.  Our next appointment with the dr's will be 14 days later. So, we won't know if this procedure worked until probably the new year. It is an amazing process. Only God knows our future and time will tell what's next for us.  But first, in 1 hour, the trigger shot. Things are much easier when handled in little bits. 

One more hour...stay awake kat..stay awake...

Day 10

Happy Birthday Eden! Today Laura's daughter Eden turns 9.

It's strange how fast she's grown. I remember when Laura announced she was pregnant. We were both trying to have children at the same time. I was SO excited for her, and then so confused when I never became pregnant. I became jealous and angry at my circumstance. Laura was amazing as she tried to understood my pain and I tried to understand her joy. We walked together. Joy & Sorrow. We were traveling full time on the road with onetimeblind and I spent every day with this amazing little girl Eden. We've developed a very special relationship & I love her so much.  I can't help but imagine that I might have had a child this age as well. Or even older. But that's not my story.

Tonight I am tired and doing laundry. I really want to go to bed early tonight. We have an early appointment tomorrow and I need my rest! I'm out of medicine starting in the morning. I called and talked to my nurse who told me that she has some for me if I need it for tomorrow night. That will give me a day to order more if needed. Otherwise we will be assigned to do the big shot! YIKES! I know it's coming soon...I'm just trying to think happy thoughts. If I look like I'm ready to go to retrieval tomorrow morning then the nurse will mix our meds for us and draw a bullseye on my butt so drew knows exactly where to give it to me that night. The meds will trigger me to ovulate and then 36 hours later I can have the procedure for retrieval. All of this is happening soon! If it doesn't look like I'm ready, then I will order more meds and go back the following morning until I am ready. But again, retrieval is soon! I'm a little scared about the big shot, but I know it's a temporary pain so I just assume I can take it for a short amount of time. And I'm a little scared about the procedure, but again, I know these doctors have done this a million times. It's all nerve racking as well as exciting. :) I know God has a plan, so I rest in that.  There are a million things that could go wrong. And also a million things that could go right. It's just life, ya know? Things happen, but as drew once said, 

We can always hope because there's always a tomorrow

and I agree. 

Day 5 - 8 shots down

So, this is day 5.

During this week nothing really happens. I just wake up and take my shot then go to work come home take my shot and go to bed.  Well, it sort of happens that way.

This morning I woke up and on my way into work I prayed for my friend Amy that she would have comfort on her day 5.  It's so strange how life can bring such tragedy and such hope at the same time.  I just watched a video about 911.  It was an interview with all of the captains of the boats that were in the water near New York that day.  They talked about how in the midst of complete confusion and tragedy they came together and accomplished an unthinkable goal.  The interview talked about how it was the largest water evacuation in American History. Larger than Duncurk in WWII when they evacuated 339,000 soldiers in 9 days. On 911 more than 500,000 people were evacuated off that island in less than 9 hours. 9 hours.  That is amazing.  But the more amazing part was when several of the captains said it was the greatest day of their lives.  WHAT???  The attack on the American people on September 11th was the GREATEST day of their lives? How can this be? Because in the midst of tragedy God shows up and does amazing things.  When people pull together great things can be accomplished. People have great purpose. It truly is awesome.

the vid...if you have time, it's great.


God is still doing amazing things. He's showing up even in the midst of our tragic moments.

Tomorrow we go to the funeral home after work. It's going to be beyond sad. And mostly uncomfortable.  But I'm thankful to have loved such an amazing man. And to have felt the influence of him in my life.

shot #9 is waiting for me in the morning.
I must sleep now cuz drew says it will make me a nicer person.  :)

Milk + Nerves = bad

It's been a pretty good day today.  I've been waiting to hear about my car (did I mention we bought a used car about a month ago and it blew a head gasket the next day?) but still no word.  It is getting fixed and by God's Goodness the salesman is helping us out.  BUT- that means we wait and wait.  Eventually we will have that car.  It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.  I had cream with coffee this morning. And with my breakfast.  And with my dinner. And with my nightly coffee to help me get through children's musical rehearsal. I learned too much creamer is a very bad thing. Needless to say, Drew had to run most of the rehearsal tonight while I was in the restroom not resting. So thankful for Drew!
I just feel nervous.

#1 Rule for fertility treatments: Don't stress about anything.

I'm glad we picked December for this once in a lifetime treatment. But again, why not?  Perfect Love casts out all fear...and nerves.  :)  Just trying to focus on Jesus cuz I need a bit more of him.  So much more.

Today was a pretty good day. Took my last pill so I'm assuming my period will start by Friday at the latest. I got a call from our specialty pharmacy that our card was denied.  Had a small heart attack and then called to find out we just needed to raise our security limit.  A few more phone calls and all is well.  It will ship out in the morning. Meds, needles and such.  Yes needles, lots of them.  And a special cool box to put them in when I'm done. That's right, I'm cool.

My nephew Jonathan had to take growth hormone shots EVERY day for most of his life.  I keep reminding myself of that.  I can't be a wimp in front of him.  That would be SO embarrassing.  ;) I'm not really afraid of the shots though.  I can't really pin point where the nerves are coming from.  I'm embracing the process and actually finding it fascinating.  I think I do have fear that we will do the meds wrong.  But we are praying all good things over the meds.  God is good.

I talked to my boss today about the time I might need off for appts and the retrieval etc. She told me no worries and home life comes first.  I thought that was nice.  She then reminded me about a professor that just found out her daughter-in-law is having triplets.  They did IVF and had 3 embryo's placed. When they heard the heart beat the first time, they only heard 2.  The second visit they heard 3. I can't even imagine that in my wildest dreams.

I've never been to Alaska.  My sweet mother-in-law has and every time she talks about it I wonder what it would be like to experience that.  I can only imagine what it's like from movies and books. I can't actually place myself there and feel how cold it is or hear the ice fall into the water.  Being pregnant is kinda like that.  If you've never been, you can only imagine what you've seen other people go through.  You can't imagine looking down and seeing that plus sign, or having a baby bump, or going to THAT side of the store (the one I avoid) to look for clothes that fit or to actually FEEL something inside of you.  What a mystery. I'm ok with not ever feeling those things, but it's in this type of situation that you try. You try to imagine something you've never experienced. It's pretty much impossible. It's just a story you think is impossible.  But that's just it, it's not impossible.

I told a friend tonight that I just learned that Hope is believing in something where there is a possibility. Wishing is dreaming of the impossible. With God all things are possible, so we Hope. Seriously people, He raises the dead...like..for real! This isn't impossible for Him. So, we continue to Hope knowing there is a cracked door still open and I can almost see the promises on the other side.

Tomorrows goal? Refer back to #1 above.

sorrow

I feel like crying tonight.  It is strange.  I was in our first choir rehearsal at church tonight and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to cry.  I AM depressed, I do know this.  But I can't figure out how to push through and be content.

"Why so downcast o my soul? Put your hope in God"

I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I don't feel like my life has TRUE meaning.  Isn't that weird?  I even find that a strange sentence, but it's how I feel right now.  Being busy hasn't given me meaning.  Nor has sitting still.  I keep praying for God to speak to me but He has chosen silence.  Well--except for the hundreds of random hearts I see all day long that he showers me with.  I know, I know, its special.  It is special.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm not forgotten.  I know all of this.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of knocking only to find one more door closed.  I told my friend the other day I don't think I'm a fighter.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I told her maybe I just don't want to be a mom bad enough.  Or maybe I wouldn't make a good mom.  Maybe we never were meant to be parents.  I'm feeling pretty inadequate.

And I wonder why it has to be in my thoughts all the time.  I hate it. Yet I can't get rid of it.  And every time I do have sanity for a moment I get an email from a teen who needs advice on how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.  Or I find out that yet another one of my close friends is having ANOTHER baby.  Did I mention I'm tired?

We are trying to push through and go with our only option, foster care/adoption.  It's not our first choice.  But then I hate any process that makes you 'choose' a child.  I hate the paperwork and the personal questions.  I hate having to figure out and explain where my hypothetical teen will go to school 13 years before I even have one. I hate having to prove that I'm a good person and get letters from friends, family, co-workers, pastors, and my dog to agree with me.  I wonder why getting pregnant it's so hard for some, yet a once mistake for a teen?

Madness. sorrow.

I hate talking to moms sometimes.  Many of my friends are moms.  Most of them are understanding and don't treat me like I'm an ignorant 20 year old, but every once in awhile someone will give me that "well-that's what's it's like to be a mom and you don't know that because you aren't one" face.   Basically I want to punch them. In the name of Jesus of course.

I just want direction.  I hate feeling lost without a goal.  After Hawaii I felt maybe we should try to adopt again and just get more agressive about it.  But, so much money.  So expensive.  Friends of ours told me they had decided to adopt last June.  They found the money.  They just got picked and will have a baby in their home by May.  I wont.  Maybe because I'm not aggressive.  Or maybe its just not my turn.

We've prayed.
We've done accupuncture.
We've seen holistic Dr's.
We've looked into adoption.
We've tried  fertility treatments.
We've prayed more.
Now, we are on to foster care.

I feel sorrow.  and I dont know why.  Maybe I feel sorrow for the unfairness in the world.  That there are people who have had an extremely hard life and yet life doesn't let down and their misfortune continues into adulthood.  It's not fair that the world is a broken place where some waste food several times a day and others don't have any.  It's not fair that some people, maybe even your neighbor, have never heard 'I love you' or felt love from another person.  It's not fair that even though you try and try and try sometimes you still dont end up winning.  Life sometimes just isn't fair.  Unfairness will come.  It does come.  So when it does, how are we going to react to it?

I know I have to move past this unfairness.  I'm actually surprised to see that I haven't.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that never stops.  I feel great and then not.  I feel content and then not.  I feel like we can do it and then not. It reminds me of when my parents past away.  I would wake up in the morning and remember, 'oh yeah, they are dead'.  Then I would cry and get up and start my day.  Sorrow didn't last forever then, and it wont last forever now.

I'm trying.  I'm getting up everyday and trying. I guess for now that's the best I can do.