Day 263

I've been pregnant for 263 days.  So strange! Not that long ago I thought it was never possible and now I'm packing a bag getting ready to go to the hospital any day.  God is so good. 

I can't express what God has been doing and the ways He's been blessing us.

Since my last post we've had 2 surprise showers.  Yes, 2! (Yes, if you're counting that makes 6 showers! and I didn't even want 1...haha) We have been blown away by our friends that are walking this journey with us.  It is so humbling and we stand in awe of God's love and the love of our friends. The feeling of this love is very hard to explain.

Here are a few pics from the showers.

The first was a shower thrown by our friends at work.  We were called to a department meeting and when we walked in everyone yelled, "Surprise!". We were shocked.  Our entire department and those around us chipped in and got us our baby monitor and a wagon full of goodies.  Many of the instructors were there as well and blessed us with so many special gifts.

 

We thought we were done with showers at that point, but Ryan and Laura put together a card/gift shower from our friends we met on the road and those that live far away.  We've met so many people that are like family to us through the years of ministry.  Many of them walked this infertility walk with us and I love that we are able to celebrate together!  The Macs sent them all a facebook message asking if they would like to send gifts, cards, books etc. for a virtual shower we would walk into.  We thought we were getting together with a few of our dear friends Darryl and Montina (and we did!) but when we walked in we also were greeted by our great friend and mentor Rob McClelland, his mother and brother who worked out their schedule so they could be at the party.  Rob and his family just moved to Colorado and he wasn't even there 1 day before he got on a plane to come to Michigan.  I don't understand that kind of friendship.  That is so crazy! I screamed from excitement and it was an awesome night hanging out and opening gift after gift from our friends across the country.  They are all so special to us and we so wish we could hug them all!  Here are a few pics....

all gifts we got in the mail!

The theme :)

Rob and family

I've been feeling pretty good. We cleared our August schedule on purpose not really knowing where we would be in this stage of pregnancy.  I've been very busy writing thank you cards, organizing, cleaning (kinda), taking baby classes, doing hospital tours and finishing up the nursery. I'm not done yet putting the nursery together.  I know lots of people are asking for pics but we have a few things left to do.  Here are a few sneak peeks though...

hospital bag for baby smith

drew on the left, me on the right

Special bunny from Instructor. She knitted it! 

slowly coming together

Our amazing neighbor Molly came over one night and took one look at our wall and decided we needed a picture that she had.  She literally took the picture off her wall and put it on ours.  She said our baby needed this picture to remind us that God is watching over him.  The pics I took are bad, but it's the best I could do with our lighting etc.

We had our weekly appointment today.  Nothing has changed as far as my body.  I'm still waiting although she said that could all change in a day, but for now the baby is still cooking.  The appointment was a good one, she took lots of time to talk to us and answer every question.  I like that she believes our body should be the one to determine when and how we go into labor.  She said she doesn't like to do C-sections unless it really is an emergency. But the final goal is happy healthy baby, happy healthy mama.  I like that.  :)  Our next appointment is next Thursday and we get an ultrasound to measure the weight of the babe.  I'm gonna guess that he's closer to 7lbs now.  It feels like it at least, but we will see! Can't wait to see his face again!

Tomorrow we are doing a tour of the hospital where we will deliver.  That should be fun.  At least we will know where to go and what to expect.  I guess we are getting as prepared as we can.  It is hard to imagine not having this big belly with a little guy bumping and poking me. When we get this close it's hard because it's just a waiting game and I could have 2 more weeks so I'm glad to have a few things on my schedule to help the time go by.  And work of course.

I was feeling a bit discouraged Sunday because I always thought my pregnancy would bring me super close to God and He would be speaking to me and I would be having amazing dreams etc.  but to be honest, none of that has happened.  When we first found out treatments worked I had a very special time with God and He told me things were going to change and I was moving into a nurturing time. He would be with me but things would be different.  I would have Peace, His Peace, and that's what I've felt this whole time.  I'm not a "Peace" person.  I'm a "lets get things done and move forward and have energy" etc person.  But I really think God wants this baby to be a son of Peace.  That's what I've felt this whole time and I'm so thankful.  Although different for me, it's ok.  I know God is with us, covering us.  He is good.  His blessings never end.

I'm off to bed now.  I sleep with a pillow under my belly to balance things out and I usually wake a few times a night. They say that's my body getting ready for when the baby is here.  Whatever it is, it makes me a tad bit tired in the morning.

Drew is working on his grad work. He has a huge paper due tomorrow so he's spent the night locked up reading and writing.  Although he's loving it, it's a lot on his plate.  He's amazing.  He's working full time, doing grad school (Getting all A's!) and taking care of me.  He really is one of the best men I know.  I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

Not long now......

Day 11 - tired & sore

What a day.

I haven't been able to get much sleep lately and so my emotions are up. Our appointment this morning was at 7am and we went right to work after. We just got home from musical rehearsal and will repeat that schedule tomorrow. Luckily our appointment tomorrow is at 8:30 though. PRAISE GOD as I could use the extra sleep.

Our appointment today was good and meh.  Good because I'm almost done with my meds!!! Meh, because I'm still on my meds.  Just took shot #18.  It hurt this time.  I'm not sure why they are starting to hurt. The didn't hurt for most of this week and I'm thankful for that!  Dr. B said today that things are looking good.  He measured 7 good sized follicles in my right ovary and 2 in my left. My left has always been a bit behind. haha.  But he thought those were pretty good numbers.  He said he could tell me to take the HCG shot tonight but he really wanted to give a bit more time for the smaller follicles to catch up. So...we take shot #18.  At our appointment tomorrow he will determine if we take the HCG tomorrow night OR if we wait until Thursday.  Dr. B thought it would be Thursday, but if I grow enough tonight it could be tomorrow. I think I secretly hope it's tomorrow.  Saturday we have our first night of the musical and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after this procedure but I would love to be there.  BUT--more that that I want God's timing. :)

So.. more info in the morning.

I'm a bit nervous about the procedure.  I think I have an IV and I've never had that before.  I'm pretty healthy (thank God) and I've never had surgery and only one broken bone when I was 2. My cousin was carrying me down the stairs, tripped and fell on me.  Yes, it was broken.  No I haven't let her forget it. But I do love her. Even if she broke my leg. It's just strange to know they will be taking out my eggs.  I just don't really know what to expect.

We paid our bill today.  It's official. We are doing this.

I got the results of my blood test this afternoon and my estrogen is over 1000.  I guess that's normal. Nurse Patti said they like to see close to 2000.  So I have just a bit more to go.  She said I'm doing great, and Dr. B told me he was proud of me.  They were VERY nice and encouraging to me today.  I'm thinking girls get nervous and anxious around this time. Therefore, we need the extra nice words. I have to admit, it worked for me.

I also found out that Dr. B wont be here this weekend to do the retrieval.  It's going to be Dr. M. He's a great guy too and very good at what he does, but I was hoping it was Dr. B.  :(  Again, I know, God's plan is perfect.  I have a lot of peace and rest in knowing that God has my best interest in His heart. He knows this story already. Nothing is a surprise to Him. I find comfort in that. He's working all things out for my good.

So for tonight, I let my belly thaw from the freezing (to help with the pain of the shot) and then I'm off to bed.  Praying for healthy eggs and peaceful sleep.

I can't thank you enough for praying us through this time.  You each mean so much to me. Peace to you tonight too.

Day 10

Happy Birthday Eden! Today Laura's daughter Eden turns 9.

It's strange how fast she's grown. I remember when Laura announced she was pregnant. We were both trying to have children at the same time. I was SO excited for her, and then so confused when I never became pregnant. I became jealous and angry at my circumstance. Laura was amazing as she tried to understood my pain and I tried to understand her joy. We walked together. Joy & Sorrow. We were traveling full time on the road with onetimeblind and I spent every day with this amazing little girl Eden. We've developed a very special relationship & I love her so much.  I can't help but imagine that I might have had a child this age as well. Or even older. But that's not my story.

Tonight I am tired and doing laundry. I really want to go to bed early tonight. We have an early appointment tomorrow and I need my rest! I'm out of medicine starting in the morning. I called and talked to my nurse who told me that she has some for me if I need it for tomorrow night. That will give me a day to order more if needed. Otherwise we will be assigned to do the big shot! YIKES! I know it's coming soon...I'm just trying to think happy thoughts. If I look like I'm ready to go to retrieval tomorrow morning then the nurse will mix our meds for us and draw a bullseye on my butt so drew knows exactly where to give it to me that night. The meds will trigger me to ovulate and then 36 hours later I can have the procedure for retrieval. All of this is happening soon! If it doesn't look like I'm ready, then I will order more meds and go back the following morning until I am ready. But again, retrieval is soon! I'm a little scared about the big shot, but I know it's a temporary pain so I just assume I can take it for a short amount of time. And I'm a little scared about the procedure, but again, I know these doctors have done this a million times. It's all nerve racking as well as exciting. :) I know God has a plan, so I rest in that.  There are a million things that could go wrong. And also a million things that could go right. It's just life, ya know? Things happen, but as drew once said, 

We can always hope because there's always a tomorrow

and I agree. 

Milk + Nerves = bad

It's been a pretty good day today.  I've been waiting to hear about my car (did I mention we bought a used car about a month ago and it blew a head gasket the next day?) but still no word.  It is getting fixed and by God's Goodness the salesman is helping us out.  BUT- that means we wait and wait.  Eventually we will have that car.  It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.  I had cream with coffee this morning. And with my breakfast.  And with my dinner. And with my nightly coffee to help me get through children's musical rehearsal. I learned too much creamer is a very bad thing. Needless to say, Drew had to run most of the rehearsal tonight while I was in the restroom not resting. So thankful for Drew!
I just feel nervous.

#1 Rule for fertility treatments: Don't stress about anything.

I'm glad we picked December for this once in a lifetime treatment. But again, why not?  Perfect Love casts out all fear...and nerves.  :)  Just trying to focus on Jesus cuz I need a bit more of him.  So much more.

Today was a pretty good day. Took my last pill so I'm assuming my period will start by Friday at the latest. I got a call from our specialty pharmacy that our card was denied.  Had a small heart attack and then called to find out we just needed to raise our security limit.  A few more phone calls and all is well.  It will ship out in the morning. Meds, needles and such.  Yes needles, lots of them.  And a special cool box to put them in when I'm done. That's right, I'm cool.

My nephew Jonathan had to take growth hormone shots EVERY day for most of his life.  I keep reminding myself of that.  I can't be a wimp in front of him.  That would be SO embarrassing.  ;) I'm not really afraid of the shots though.  I can't really pin point where the nerves are coming from.  I'm embracing the process and actually finding it fascinating.  I think I do have fear that we will do the meds wrong.  But we are praying all good things over the meds.  God is good.

I talked to my boss today about the time I might need off for appts and the retrieval etc. She told me no worries and home life comes first.  I thought that was nice.  She then reminded me about a professor that just found out her daughter-in-law is having triplets.  They did IVF and had 3 embryo's placed. When they heard the heart beat the first time, they only heard 2.  The second visit they heard 3. I can't even imagine that in my wildest dreams.

I've never been to Alaska.  My sweet mother-in-law has and every time she talks about it I wonder what it would be like to experience that.  I can only imagine what it's like from movies and books. I can't actually place myself there and feel how cold it is or hear the ice fall into the water.  Being pregnant is kinda like that.  If you've never been, you can only imagine what you've seen other people go through.  You can't imagine looking down and seeing that plus sign, or having a baby bump, or going to THAT side of the store (the one I avoid) to look for clothes that fit or to actually FEEL something inside of you.  What a mystery. I'm ok with not ever feeling those things, but it's in this type of situation that you try. You try to imagine something you've never experienced. It's pretty much impossible. It's just a story you think is impossible.  But that's just it, it's not impossible.

I told a friend tonight that I just learned that Hope is believing in something where there is a possibility. Wishing is dreaming of the impossible. With God all things are possible, so we Hope. Seriously people, He raises the dead...like..for real! This isn't impossible for Him. So, we continue to Hope knowing there is a cracked door still open and I can almost see the promises on the other side.

Tomorrows goal? Refer back to #1 above.