A word

So my 2 week wait is still in full force. 1/2 way done and for sure this is the worst part of any fertility treatments.  Today was pretty good. I spent the morning crafting and the afternoon shopping. We had plans cancel at night so we spent it watching movies which was perfect for me.  Thank you winter storm.

A week ago three little embies were placed inside of me.  Let's look again, shall we?

Sometimes I just need a constant reminder that God is here. He was there a week ago. He's been here this whole month and He hasn't gone anywhere. No matter what the outcome, this is the season of "God is with us".  

I got 2 encouraging words today.  One from my cousin whom I love dearly. She has also felt the pain and worry of what I'm encountering and gave me great reminders of how faithful God is. Thank you.

The second encouraging word came from a friend who's going through a few struggles herself these days. She reads encouraging words from people on a website that she frequents. It's very encouraging to her and from time to time she will share something that someone has said. December first (the first day of treatment for us) a gentlemen had a word that he posted to encourage people.  This is a generic website and has nothing to do with trying to conceive. This post was just...random.  Here's a little taste. (His name is Kim so don't let that confuse you)

Kim Clement:

"You Have Entered into a Season of Fruitfulness"

December 1, 2012 - From The Den:

"From the beginning, before time began, I knew this hour; I knew this day. Was it hidden from Me? Am I afraid?" says the Lord of Hosts. "Even if Israel stood alone, watch. Read the history. Before time began, I knew of this moment and I knew that from the miry clay would emerge an upright reed. From the mire, I will bring something upright and something good.

"You have entered into a season of fruitfulness, and yet they cry, 'Barren is the land; barren are the people.'" But God says, "I have called that which is barren, fruitful, and I have called that which is weak, strong. And I have called that which is poor, rich. Therefore, say what I say for the redeemed of the Lord shall say So!' Watch and see as I demonstrate My glory and majesty," says the Lord.

What I've been dealing with and what I've been feeling from the Lord is that He wants to destroy unfruitfulness and barrenness and wants to make this a fruitful month and a fruitful 2013. Do you believe that this could be possible? Now if there's faith in your heart, please hear what I'm saying because I am literally giving you a prophetic proclamation that God wants fruitfulness and He wants it this month and He wants it in the year 2013 – and don't tell me it cannot be done.

I was like, "uh...ok".  And even if you don't believe everything that some people say, I will take these words and thank God for allowing this man to give them back on the first day of our treatments. And I will praise God for allowing me to receive it on day 26 of my treatment.  God is so faithful. He has things up His sleeve at all times. You never know when He might have someone call you out of the blue, or give you money at the right time when you need it, or send you a message, or even give you a heart. Have you ever seen the Christmas Story? Do you remember the part when the turkey get's eaten by the dogs and they have to go eat Christmas duck at the Chinese Restaurant? Well there's a 10 second (which is pretty long) clip where they show the outside of the restaurant and if you look at that clip there's a large, clear heart on the roof on the left side of the screen.  God has always been trying to show Himself to us. I think that's why the clip is 10 seconds. You wanna go watch the movie now don't you? :)

We prayed for fruitfulness tonight. Not just for us, but for you too. We pray you are blessed not just for a full cup, but one that overflows so you can share with others. We pray you are healed and that your hearts desires become reality soon. That God would come closer, whisper ... closer. We need Him. I need Him.  Tonight I'm praying for the broken hearted who have lost hope. I'm praying for the girl I saw crying as she was leaving during one of fertility appts. I'm praying for the mother who had to work today and spent Christmas alone. I'm praying for a sick uncle. I'm praying for more Peace. I'm praying for restoration. I'm praying for the employee's who got let go last friday...28 of them..right before Christmas.  I'm praying for another employee who lost insurance because of a health condition. I'm praying for mental wholeness for someone that's close to me. And for friends whose car broke down and a trip to Michigan ended up costing way more than they bargained for. And for appointments that are temporarily on hold. I'm praying for miracles. We all need them in one way or another. My spark of Hope still glimmers for one more day, but we all need miracles. Sleep in peace tonight knowing that we know the Miracle Maker and He knows this story very well. 

Paranoia and jingle bells

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a strange and wonderful time of year. It's the time when children are giddy and adults want to sleep. The last few Christmases have been a bit emotional for me. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because even though this season is about Jesus and giving to others, Christmas is also about the wonder of kids. Watching the kids as they see the Christmas lights and as they're forced to sit on creepy Santa's lap. Watching them buy gifts from the school store for their family (and maybe one for themselves-this happened to my friend! haha). Watching their excitement on Christmas eve, putting out cookies and milk and of course watching them get up early and unwrap gifts. We grew up being those kids; we watched movies that display this "normalcy."  The childlike wonder on Christmas morning is amazing.  I've realized I'm brutally tied to Christmas memories of the past and as I get older the realization of my Christmas present gets more painful.  I wake up, not early. I hear no noise. I see no footie pajamas. The early morning Christmas hours seem to cry of emptiness to me.

I do however feel love. I feel a warm shower and amazing food. I feel overwhelmed by love and kindness from a group of people that are my family. Too many gifts to count. So blessed. I even got a gift that says, "We are Blessed." And we are.

But as I woke this morning, I just felt sad. I was reminded of 2 Christmases ago when we went through fertility treatments and I started my period a few days before Christmas. So the Christmas we were going to "announce we are pregnant" became the Christmas of emotions and disappointments. But I was again surrounded by love and family and again I was thankful.

Midday today I became overwhelmed with fear and paranoia.  It's the fear and paranoia that most women feel during this entire process. I haven't had that. I've been so amazingly covered by friends and family in prayer that God's Peace has been covering me. For real. I don't know how else to describe it.  But today a little fear seeped in. And that led to me feeling paranoid and sick to my stomach.  A found myself going to the bathroom over and over to see if I've started yet. I REFUSE to live like this. This type of behavior is NOT of God and I WILL NOT live the next week or so like this.  Please keep praying for us.

I'm taking medicine that mimics period cramping. My nurse told me I have lots of hormones in me right now so I'm to take care of myself and know that I might be emotional etc. The doctor told me that even if I start spotting or bleeding that doesn't meant that I'm not pregnant. That we had 3 embryos put in us and we wont know for sure until the pregnancy test.

We got back to the house and Drew and I spent some time in prayer. We cast out fear and replaced it with God's truth.  The truth that we are loved and not forgotten. I cried out my emotion and my heart for loneliness, not just for me, but for others that have lived without.  God has an amazing plan for our lives and we are right in the middle of it. He has amazing things to do in our lives. He LOVES to bring WONDER to our lives. The wonder that shows up in the middle of an ultrasound and says, "see those 3 embryos? Now do you see my presence with them?" I know God is with them. I trust Him. If failure knocks on my door and makes its home in my garden, I will not feed it, but keep building my garden around it. And on it. And in it. Until one day it starts to resemble joy.

But until next week when we know for sure, I will cling to Hope.

Hiding in His Wings for another day.

so many days

Day 6 of embryos, Day 19 of cycle, Day 1.5 of bedrest, Day 0 of thinking there are too many days to keep track of.

Everything in IVF is measured so precisely, it's amazing. The most amazing part is that it science can only do so much. It's amazing that God made man so intelligent to do IVF, but ultimately it is still God that creates. It is still God that holds the story to your life. It really is amazing. I just keep praying that my story is epic. A story like no other. One that leads people to say, "WOW! Look at the Glory of God! Only God could do that!"  I want nothing more than that.

Today's list:

woke up.
breakfast.
bathroom.
nap.
bathroom.
wrote 5 Christmas cards.
bathroom.
watched Craigslist Joe (pretty good).
bathroom.
journaled.
talked to Kari. (lovely sister)
watched a documentary on the oldest cave drawings.
nap. (obviously)
drew's home!
drew left.
watching drew on live stream & blogging.
(future)
french fries.
movie w/ drew.
meds.
sleep...again.

Wow, that list actually makes it look like I did something today! Truth be known I text drew at 9:30am telling him this day was the longest day ever. It's not easy being on bedrest. I feel for pregnant women who have to do this for weeks or months! But I feel pretty normal so that makes me want to do stuff. If I had a growing baby in me, I think I might want to lay down a bit as well.

Drew is home tomorrow which is great! I hope to get a few visitors as well, which will be great for me, not so great for them since I haven't showered in 2 days by then. But I love this season. I don't know, I just feel so happy.  There are times in your life even when things are chaotic around you that God shows up and brings Joy and Peace. I feel that so strongly. His presence is so strong. I'm praying that all of you feel it and that those who have lost hope feel it was well.

I think it was my awesome pastor that said there's a difference between Hoping and wishing. When you wish there's not really a possibility of it happening. It's like a dream.  But when you Hope, that means there is still a glimmer of possibility available for that desire. Hope kinda defines me. Desires not yet fulfilled but believing in a God who does impossible things.

My first visitors!

Ryan & Laura put there kids in bed tonight and told them they would get a bedtime story: The Polar Express. When they opened the book 4 tickets fell out.  4 tickets to the minivan Polar Express! They all got back up, ran outside with their jammies on and the "Engineer" punched their tickets and gave them hot chocolate. They went on a Christmas light tour and stopped by my place to say hello. They are driving through downtown Rochester which is covered in lights. I love that tradition. It look like they do too. It was so good to squeeze them.

Day 12.12.12

WOW! Now this was an amazing day. I woke not expecting much, but we went to our appointment at 8:15.  It was crazy busy there.  We arrived and there were 3 couples ahead of us already having their appointments and one other person in the waiting room.  We were told at the beginning of the cycle that we are one of 8 other couples.  We are all on the same cycle so I guess that's probably why it was so busy. We got our blood drawn first (usually we have our ultrasound first) by the same technician as yesterday. I was a bit scared because yesterday when she took my blood my arm hurt for over an hour. But today she did better. :)

We finally had our ultrasound and my follicles were ripe! That sounds yucky, but I guess that just means they are ready to go.  I had 8 on my right side that were pretty good sized and only 1 on my left.  It's so weird how the left side of my body has always been a bit off balance.  My hair is thicker on the left side. My foot is bigger on the left side. When I smile my left eye squints.  It's like all my life my left side is trying to rebel against me.  But....the doctor was still pleased with the amount on the right side, so that is good.  He told me he thought I was ready for the

HCG TRIGGER SHOT!!!!!!

For those who aren't sure what that is...it's basically the shot that tells my body to ovulate. And it has to be at a very specific time. An exact time. Nurse Patti said she would call me later with the details and she explained how we were supposed to give the shot and she mixed it for us and gently placed it in a cooler for us to take home. Oh, she also drew a very exact circle on my hip so Drew couldn't miss the spot.  Drew was very careful with the box. heehee. 

The timing of the shot has to be exact depending on what time the retrieval is.  The retrieval happens 36 hours after the shot.  So, later this afternoon I got a call from Patti telling me my estrogen number is over 2300 which is great! And retrieval will be at 12pm on Friday. So that means my shot has to be given at....(can you do the backwards math?)...1AM TONIGHT!  yikes. So it's 11:30, I'm tired, and we are waiting. We thought about going to bed, but frankly we are so tired we might not wake up. So we are waiting.  And watching cartoons of course. (drew's favorite) But the BEST news is Dr. B will be doing our retrieval!  He's going away for the weekend so we thought we might not get him, but because our retrieval is Friday he will still be there. I'm SO THANKFUL!!!!!!  I like the other Dr. too, but he's just not my dr. , ya know?  Dr. B is the best. So thats my biggest blessing for the day! PRAISE GOD! It calms my fears just a bit. :)

Did I mention the trigger shot is the last shot? So the final total is..21 shots. wowsers. But I'm thankful because I know women used to have to do more. I took my last dose shot a few minutes ago. Now waiting for the other. 

Tomorrow I have ZERO shots! YAY!!! I can't have any food or drink 8 hours before retrieval so (counting backwards again?) well, that basically means I will be starving by the time it's all over.  And we will be going to sonic for a Cranberry lime-aid, loaded tots and possibly a strawberry shake.  In my mind that's where I see us going, but reality might look more like me sleeping and going home.  Either way, it will be SO good to have that over. 

I'm nervous about the retrieval.  I've never had an IV. I've never had a procedure where I'm knocked out except when I got my wisdom teeth out. I don't know why I'm so scared about that, probably just fear of the unknown.  I guess I've never had 9 full grown follicles in me either.  You know the feeling when you have to pee SO bad, but you're driving so you have to hold it and you start to cramp a little? That's what having 9 ripe follicles feels like. At least it does to me. I've been taking it easy and baby-ing myself a little bit.  Why not? 

Once the retrieval is done, we will know that day how many eggs they got.  They will fertilize all of them and see how many survive.  They usually don't all survive. There are a lot of factors at play here. We will get daily updates after that regarding how they are growing and what they look like.  Depending on how they look and are growing they will either be put in me on day 3 or day 5.  So we are looking to either Monday or Wednesday. And they will either implant 2-3 but not more than that. We agreed that was a good plan. I'm praying for 3 good embryo's. That doesn't mean they will all survive, but it just gives us a better chance for ONE surviving.  

Once the embryo's are inserted I will be on bed rest for 3 days. Then that leads me to CHRISTMAS!!!!  whew...I've got a lot to do.  So this weekend I will be trying to catch up on everything I thought I wanted to do for Christmas so I can get ready for next week.  A big week indeed.  Our next appointment with the dr's will be 14 days later. So, we won't know if this procedure worked until probably the new year. It is an amazing process. Only God knows our future and time will tell what's next for us.  But first, in 1 hour, the trigger shot. Things are much easier when handled in little bits. 

One more hour...stay awake kat..stay awake...

Day 11 - tired & sore

What a day.

I haven't been able to get much sleep lately and so my emotions are up. Our appointment this morning was at 7am and we went right to work after. We just got home from musical rehearsal and will repeat that schedule tomorrow. Luckily our appointment tomorrow is at 8:30 though. PRAISE GOD as I could use the extra sleep.

Our appointment today was good and meh.  Good because I'm almost done with my meds!!! Meh, because I'm still on my meds.  Just took shot #18.  It hurt this time.  I'm not sure why they are starting to hurt. The didn't hurt for most of this week and I'm thankful for that!  Dr. B said today that things are looking good.  He measured 7 good sized follicles in my right ovary and 2 in my left. My left has always been a bit behind. haha.  But he thought those were pretty good numbers.  He said he could tell me to take the HCG shot tonight but he really wanted to give a bit more time for the smaller follicles to catch up. So...we take shot #18.  At our appointment tomorrow he will determine if we take the HCG tomorrow night OR if we wait until Thursday.  Dr. B thought it would be Thursday, but if I grow enough tonight it could be tomorrow. I think I secretly hope it's tomorrow.  Saturday we have our first night of the musical and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after this procedure but I would love to be there.  BUT--more that that I want God's timing. :)

So.. more info in the morning.

I'm a bit nervous about the procedure.  I think I have an IV and I've never had that before.  I'm pretty healthy (thank God) and I've never had surgery and only one broken bone when I was 2. My cousin was carrying me down the stairs, tripped and fell on me.  Yes, it was broken.  No I haven't let her forget it. But I do love her. Even if she broke my leg. It's just strange to know they will be taking out my eggs.  I just don't really know what to expect.

We paid our bill today.  It's official. We are doing this.

I got the results of my blood test this afternoon and my estrogen is over 1000.  I guess that's normal. Nurse Patti said they like to see close to 2000.  So I have just a bit more to go.  She said I'm doing great, and Dr. B told me he was proud of me.  They were VERY nice and encouraging to me today.  I'm thinking girls get nervous and anxious around this time. Therefore, we need the extra nice words. I have to admit, it worked for me.

I also found out that Dr. B wont be here this weekend to do the retrieval.  It's going to be Dr. M. He's a great guy too and very good at what he does, but I was hoping it was Dr. B.  :(  Again, I know, God's plan is perfect.  I have a lot of peace and rest in knowing that God has my best interest in His heart. He knows this story already. Nothing is a surprise to Him. I find comfort in that. He's working all things out for my good.

So for tonight, I let my belly thaw from the freezing (to help with the pain of the shot) and then I'm off to bed.  Praying for healthy eggs and peaceful sleep.

I can't thank you enough for praying us through this time.  You each mean so much to me. Peace to you tonight too.

Day 5 - 8 shots down

So, this is day 5.

During this week nothing really happens. I just wake up and take my shot then go to work come home take my shot and go to bed.  Well, it sort of happens that way.

This morning I woke up and on my way into work I prayed for my friend Amy that she would have comfort on her day 5.  It's so strange how life can bring such tragedy and such hope at the same time.  I just watched a video about 911.  It was an interview with all of the captains of the boats that were in the water near New York that day.  They talked about how in the midst of complete confusion and tragedy they came together and accomplished an unthinkable goal.  The interview talked about how it was the largest water evacuation in American History. Larger than Duncurk in WWII when they evacuated 339,000 soldiers in 9 days. On 911 more than 500,000 people were evacuated off that island in less than 9 hours. 9 hours.  That is amazing.  But the more amazing part was when several of the captains said it was the greatest day of their lives.  WHAT???  The attack on the American people on September 11th was the GREATEST day of their lives? How can this be? Because in the midst of tragedy God shows up and does amazing things.  When people pull together great things can be accomplished. People have great purpose. It truly is awesome.

the vid...if you have time, it's great.


God is still doing amazing things. He's showing up even in the midst of our tragic moments.

Tomorrow we go to the funeral home after work. It's going to be beyond sad. And mostly uncomfortable.  But I'm thankful to have loved such an amazing man. And to have felt the influence of him in my life.

shot #9 is waiting for me in the morning.
I must sleep now cuz drew says it will make me a nicer person.  :)

He hears me.

He hears me. 

I didn't mean to get everyone all excited on Facebook about what has changed in my life.  I actually forgot that people are waiting to hear "big news" that we are pregnant.  So right away let me say WE ARE NOT PREGNANT! :-)  When that happens there won't be any code to decipher.  Trust me, you will know.  It's actually something better than that.  

Quick Storyline explanation.  Storyline is a conference put on by Donald Miller who is the author of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Blue Like Jazz and many other writings.  His conference is about teaching you that your life is a epic story. And if you draw your life out on a timeline you will see that.  He encourages us to live life to the fullest, to create great stories.  As the conference went on, my friend Tomi and I were feeling overwhelmed with much of the information that we were being given. (If you would like to hear more of my thoughts on the conference, let me know) Throughout the conference Donald would talk about his friend Bob Goff.   He sounded like an interesting man, but most of the people interviewed this weekend were interesting.  

**coffee break for back story**

October of 2011 I was driving home from work and listening to NPR when I heard a radio piece that rocked me to the core.  It was about a community in Uganda and the atrocities that were happening there.  You can read the article here.  Basically it was a community run by witchdoctors who convinced all the people that if they had a human sacrifice done for them they would have good fortune.  But it couldn't be any human sacrifice, it had to be children.  The witchdoctors would steal children and depending on what type of blessing you wanted they would maim that child in certain ways, the biggest blessing was cutting off the childs head.  They would convince the locals to have these sacrifices and bury the children's body parts in the ground under their businesses to guarantee financial success.  Of course you had to pay the witchdoctor to do this, and although it was expensive the people would do it because they saw it as an investment.  The officials knew this was happening, but because it was very discreet they couldn't catch any of the witchdoctors in the act and therefore could do nothing. And because the bodies were buried they were no witnesses or evidence.  Then one day, a boy was discovered who had been mutilated and left for dead, but he didn't die.  NPR talked about the hopes that this boy was the one and only witness who might help the case.  

This story seemed unbelievable to me.  There are families that are missing children because they were kidnapped and having their bodies cut into pieces with a machete.  I wondered how I could go home and make dinner and watch tv after hearing this story.  I wondered how we would feel or react if that was happening in my neighborhood.  I wondered if the Ugandans would care.  I wondered if I would.  I cried all the way home.   I shared this story with Drew and then with friends.  I couldn't get this off my mind yet I didn't know what to do with it.  This is one of my biggest problems.  I see the injustice of the world, but can't think of how to solve it.  I wouldn't make a very good president.  So I prayed.  I hate "just praying" for things like this.  It doesn't seem enough.  I'm a doer and prayer doesn't feel like doing.  It feels like a cop-out when you really don't want to be involved.  We say "oh…that's awful, I will pray for you".  And maybe we will, but I feel what I'm really saying is "oh…that's messy, I don't know how to solve that for you, so good luck because I really don't have time to be involved".  Sometimes all a person really needed was food or a pair of shoes or maybe some time for someone to listen to them.  But this issue was global.  It was big, too big for me.  I resolved to pray not knowing how I could ever change a community in northern Uganda.  

**coffee break over…back to work**

One of the cool parts of Storyline was Don would interview amazing people who have done amazing things with what God has given them.  One man worked in the clothing industry, so he started making t-shirts to sell to help people afford to go to rehab and get rid of addiction.    

One man was a councilor but wanted to be a philanthropist.  Although he had no money he decided to write a children's book and give anything he made from the sales of it to charities in need.

The last person interviewed was this man named Bob Goff. 

He is a bit hard to describe as he is very excitable when he speaks.  There is no way you can't fall in love with this man in about 10 seconds.  He really enjoys life.  He started by telling the story about how he met Don Miller.  Bob is a lawyer living in California who owns a cabin way out in the middle of nowhere.  This cabin is on a river and is only accessible by boat or plane.  You can't drive there.  He uses this facility to host kids from Young Life Ministries.  Don Miller was on a kayaking trip with friends and just happened to go by this cabin.  Bob saw them and invited them in for food.  So they got to know one another.  Bob was sharing this with us and then asked Don if he could also share his work that he was doing in Uganda.  I assumed he was another missionary doing missions there.  

Bob began to describe how he wanted to do more in life.  So he flew to Uganda and because he was a lawyer and that was all he knew to do, he went to the Justice Department and made friends with a judge there.  He asked that judge what the greatest need was in Uganda and how he could help.  This judge started explaining about how witchdoctors were taking over and killing all of the children, and they can't catch them, they can't stop them.  But that a young boy had been recently found.  He was kidnapped, taken to a field and had his privates cut off.  He was left for dead, but he didn't die.  So for the first time they actually had a witness that could speak out against the evil that was taking over Uganda.  One boy against one nation of evil.  But he needed a good lawyer. 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

So Bob takes the case.  He not only prosecutes that witch doctor, but opens the door for many other to be prosecuted.  Also because that man was put in prison for life, people began to loose faith in the word of the witchdoctors.  How could they believe these successes that come through sacrificing children would work for them when the Dr. himself was in prison?  Bob recently received guardianship over that little boy in Uganda.  Not only that, but Bob "randomly" met one of the worlds best surgeons who reconstructed that little boys penis.  Now he has been made whole again in every way.  The story doesn't end there though.  Bob went back and spoke to that witchdoctor who begged for forgiveness.  And through a long conversation, Bob forgave him and that witchdoctor came to accept Jesus.  And now that man is going to speak to everyone else in the prison about Jesus.  Men who enter this prison, never get out.  It's a big, square, no window, cement building.  They are going to die there, but now they can die with hope.  A hope that they will live again.  They have a deeper Peace and forgiveness, one they never thought they could deserve or have. Bob has also had the opportunity to speak to groups of witchdoctors that are still practicing in that area.  He gave them his phone number in case they wanted to talk. LOL.  One called while he was at a the conference this weekend. 

After hearing all of this I had to take a moment and breathe.  From the moment that I realized Bob was talking directly about something that I had been praying for months about I couldn't stop crying.  Honestly, it was because I couldn't believe once again that God hears me.  Not just on a personal level, something I could see everyday, but on a GLOBAL level.  I know it wan't just my prayers that made all of that happen…or was it?  What we do matters. What we say matters.  What we PRAY matters!  I know this. I've known this.  But it's always so humbling when God actually takes the time to reveal it to me.  Bob wasn't supposed to be at the conference. He said he was traveling through and just stopped to share with us.  But God thought it was just that important that I get to hear the end of the story.  Why was that important?  He feels my heart.  He wanted me to know….He hears.  I don't know if you have ever felt that special.  For the God of ALL to take time out of billions of lives to make sure that you know He hears you-that He loves you.  OH MY WORD-- THAT IS OUR FATHER!!!!!  He really, really, really, does love us that much.  He takes the time and sends me to a conference that I knew nothing about  & wasn't going to go to so that I could randomly hear a man who wasn't supposed to be there speak about something that I heard randomly on the radio 7 months ago and how God has miraculously redeemed that story. I was gloriously set up.  I just..can't..believe..it.  I really can't.  

What else really matters but being heard and loved by God?  I mean, really.