Day 2 from egg retrieval

Friday I had my retrieval which you can read about in my last update and yesterday I heard from Dr. M who told me that out of 10 eggs, EIGHT FERTILIZED!!!! This is a GREAT thing! Dr. B was hoping that 6 would fertilize and so we have beat the odds by fertilizing 8! He said they would call me the next day with a further update but this was a great start.

I hung up and was very excited.  And then I was surprised by my excitement. It sort of came out of nowhere.  I mean, I've felt pretty calm and even keeled about this whole process.  When I got the phone call all of a sudden I felt attached to these cells that have turned into embryos...embies. Not just any embryo's, MY embryos.

This process is so amazing.

I found this site that helps understand the stages of embryo growth. It's pretty good.

Click here to learn!

Here's a pic to explain: 

Today the dr. didn't call me until 4-ish and I was a bit nervous.  He told me he doesn't ever know the time the other dr's will call him with the update so I should just know they will call when they can. :)  He told me as of today 4 of the 8 embryo's have 4 cells, 2 have 3 cells and 2 have 2 cells.  He said he thought this was a good growing number and we would still probably be looking at a day 5 transfer which would be Wednesday.  It'a all a bit confusing still, but I'm believing God to protect our embryo's and grow them at a perfect rate.  It is when the embryo starts to move out of the cell that it will be time to implant.  It's a scary time as they grow and so I'm praying for safety for the embryo's and wisdom for the doctors.  I know these embryo's aren't babies, but I can definitely feel the attachment to them. Although they said it will probably be wednesday there is a chance that I could be implanted tomorrow.  If that's the case we would know by noon and it wouldn't happen until after 4pm.  But I really think it will be wednesday.  I'm kinda excited! Still just praying everything continues to go well.  

So I'm trying to figure out what I can do when I'm laying on the couch for 3 days.  It's coming soon! Maybe I will fill out my Christmas cards, or watch a million movies or read books. I'm trying to cook some casseroles and get things ready, but I'm not sure if I will ever be ready. The possibility of having children - it just doesn't seem real. 

Egg Hunt

That's what Drew TWEETED today.  "Looks like a great day for an egg hunt!". He's crazy.

I tried to sleep in today since my appointment was at noon.  I didn't want to wake too early as I had visions of drinking a pot of coffee accidently or eating an omelet or just sitting around and being hungry. SO, I woke at 9, took a shower, took all my jewelry off and put on some comfy clothes.  As I was taking off my jewelry I took of my star earring. I know it sounds weird, but I've never taken that earring off since I put it on a few weeks after mom died.  We went together to get our ears double pierced.  She got one pierced on the right side, I got one pierced on the left. When she died I put her's in my ear and haven't taken it out since. I know that seems probably strange and maybe icky, but it was a memory, and I sort of hold onto those.  haha.

The place for the retrieval was different than our dr.'s office so I was a bit scared about not getting there on time. But we arrived on time (THANK GOD) with no problems even though our car still has a multiple personality issue and the console was blinking 1/2 the time. We pulled in and saw this beauty:

I think these signs should be everywhere.

We went in and were promptly escorted to the back where I put on a gown and some booties. The nurse came in to take my vitals and give me an IV. They were all a bit surprised that I've never had an IV before. I'm not allergic to anything and I'm basically pretty healthy. Throughout this whole process everything has been as smooth as it could be. I'm so thankful.  I know much of that is from all of you praying, so thank you so much.

The nurse told drew to step back because sometimes when putting the IV in blood splatters. um...ok.   Then she tried to find my vein which she didn't have luck with.  So she tried to put the IV in - twice - with no luck, first on the left arm, then on the right arm.  She said she only tries twice and then gets someone else, so off she went to find someone to help.  She was a nice lady, but wowsers. A man came in wearing a gold chain hidden in his chest hair.  I thought, so...I can't wear jewelry, but you can...interesting.  He was the anesthesiologist and was a very nice man, despite his chest hair.  AND he put the IV in my vein in about 10 seconds.  He became my hero. I now know why IV's are not fun. And that man can wear gold anytime he wants.

Dr. B came in and was in a jolly mood. He asked me how I was feeling etc. and then asked how many eggs he promised me.  I told him he said maybe 8 or 9.  He smiled and said he would do his best. Which I knew he would.  It's strange how you can meet someone a few times and feel so comfortable with them. Dr. B has that affect on people. He said he would talk to Drew after it was over.

All of a sudden there were a lot of people coming in and one nurse told me she was going to escort me to the bathroom and I was to kiss my husband for "good luck".  After "using it" I was escorted into the surgical room.  I guess it looked like a normal surgical room, I really only have movies to compare it too. It wasn't sterile white, but it was cold, I know that. There was an extremely scary looking bed in the middle of room and they told me to sit down as they got me ready. Enter..Dr. B!!!  My Dr. is awesome.  He came in smiling and told me this bed was better than the CedarPoint chair they have in their office.  (I got stuck in that chair and they literally used WD40 to get me out. HA!) The anesthesiologist put a VERY nice warm blanket on me and I said, "Oh, thank you, that's ni...." aaaand out. I was afraid of not falling asleep during the procedure, not to worry. Whatever Mr. gold chain is getting paid, he deserves more.

I woke up sitting next to drew.  He told me later that I was in there for 35 minutes.  Within that time he was escorted to a special room where he did his part. Then he talked with Dr. B who told him I did great and that he was proud of me.  He then told Drew he retrieved

10 EGGS!

And everything went well. He was pleased with that. They brought Drew back to sit with me until I woke up. Meanwhile, I think he got bored and he took some pictures.

So thankful for Drew. ;) What makes boys want to torture their wives when they have no control? Ryan does this with Laura too. I'm pretty much making him make up for it by getting me drinks, food and basically anything I want.

So, with 10 eggs cooking and trying to make friends with 10 lucky sperm, I'm home resting and hanging.  They said I might have some cramping and light bleeding but so far so good. I had a small amount of cramping but nothing that bad. Again, God is being so faithful to me.

Tonight we watch White Christmas, look at our crooked tree and be thankful.  Tomorrow we go Christmas shopping (thought I should start that at some point), have our first night of Christmas musical at Church and find out how our embies are doing. (I just learned that's what they are called.) It's going to be a very exciting day!

Day 13!

FINALLY a FREE DAY!!!!

What that means is NO shots or meds today! WHOO HOO!!!!! I have finished the race and although my belly is sore, we have completed the shots!

We had to stay up until 1am to give me the trigger HCG shot last night. Needless to say we were exhausted. I'm still so very tired. I iced the spot for 10 minutes and didn't feel a thing.  Lots of people talk about how bad this shot is etc. but seriously, I asked drew if he had given me the shot yet and he told me he was 1/2 way done. I didn't even feel it.

Today has been good. No shots, just a normal day. Everyone seems really excited about tomorrow.  I'm excited about being able to eat after the procedure.  I can't eat or drink anything until after the procedure at noon.  I get an IV. They knock me out and then retrieve my eggs. I feel a little nervous because I feel so normal today.  Yesterday I felt like there were huge follicles in me, today I feel a bit empty. It's strange.

So I'm going to try to sleep in tomorrow to use up some of that time that I will want to be eating or drinking. But I'm excited that Dr. B will be there. That makes me feel good. And I know that God is amazing and has a plan. If this works or if it doesn't, life goes on. I've decided to join God in my story instead of trying to make mine happen the way I want it too.  I've realized it's much easier and actually more enjoyable when I do that. God loves me so much, I know His plan is the one I want to be right in the middle of.

So...please pray for me to have peace about the procedure tomorrow.  Pray that the Dr. is able to get a perfect amount of HEALTHY eggs so we will have a good chance at some good healthy embryo's. I plan on coming right home and resting for the rest of the day.  At some point I'm gonna have to get ready for Christmas. haha. I guess I still have a week, right?

Thanks for your prayers. We feel them big time.

Day 12.12.12

WOW! Now this was an amazing day. I woke not expecting much, but we went to our appointment at 8:15.  It was crazy busy there.  We arrived and there were 3 couples ahead of us already having their appointments and one other person in the waiting room.  We were told at the beginning of the cycle that we are one of 8 other couples.  We are all on the same cycle so I guess that's probably why it was so busy. We got our blood drawn first (usually we have our ultrasound first) by the same technician as yesterday. I was a bit scared because yesterday when she took my blood my arm hurt for over an hour. But today she did better. :)

We finally had our ultrasound and my follicles were ripe! That sounds yucky, but I guess that just means they are ready to go.  I had 8 on my right side that were pretty good sized and only 1 on my left.  It's so weird how the left side of my body has always been a bit off balance.  My hair is thicker on the left side. My foot is bigger on the left side. When I smile my left eye squints.  It's like all my life my left side is trying to rebel against me.  But....the doctor was still pleased with the amount on the right side, so that is good.  He told me he thought I was ready for the

HCG TRIGGER SHOT!!!!!!

For those who aren't sure what that is...it's basically the shot that tells my body to ovulate. And it has to be at a very specific time. An exact time. Nurse Patti said she would call me later with the details and she explained how we were supposed to give the shot and she mixed it for us and gently placed it in a cooler for us to take home. Oh, she also drew a very exact circle on my hip so Drew couldn't miss the spot.  Drew was very careful with the box. heehee. 

The timing of the shot has to be exact depending on what time the retrieval is.  The retrieval happens 36 hours after the shot.  So, later this afternoon I got a call from Patti telling me my estrogen number is over 2300 which is great! And retrieval will be at 12pm on Friday. So that means my shot has to be given at....(can you do the backwards math?)...1AM TONIGHT!  yikes. So it's 11:30, I'm tired, and we are waiting. We thought about going to bed, but frankly we are so tired we might not wake up. So we are waiting.  And watching cartoons of course. (drew's favorite) But the BEST news is Dr. B will be doing our retrieval!  He's going away for the weekend so we thought we might not get him, but because our retrieval is Friday he will still be there. I'm SO THANKFUL!!!!!!  I like the other Dr. too, but he's just not my dr. , ya know?  Dr. B is the best. So thats my biggest blessing for the day! PRAISE GOD! It calms my fears just a bit. :)

Did I mention the trigger shot is the last shot? So the final total is..21 shots. wowsers. But I'm thankful because I know women used to have to do more. I took my last dose shot a few minutes ago. Now waiting for the other. 

Tomorrow I have ZERO shots! YAY!!! I can't have any food or drink 8 hours before retrieval so (counting backwards again?) well, that basically means I will be starving by the time it's all over.  And we will be going to sonic for a Cranberry lime-aid, loaded tots and possibly a strawberry shake.  In my mind that's where I see us going, but reality might look more like me sleeping and going home.  Either way, it will be SO good to have that over. 

I'm nervous about the retrieval.  I've never had an IV. I've never had a procedure where I'm knocked out except when I got my wisdom teeth out. I don't know why I'm so scared about that, probably just fear of the unknown.  I guess I've never had 9 full grown follicles in me either.  You know the feeling when you have to pee SO bad, but you're driving so you have to hold it and you start to cramp a little? That's what having 9 ripe follicles feels like. At least it does to me. I've been taking it easy and baby-ing myself a little bit.  Why not? 

Once the retrieval is done, we will know that day how many eggs they got.  They will fertilize all of them and see how many survive.  They usually don't all survive. There are a lot of factors at play here. We will get daily updates after that regarding how they are growing and what they look like.  Depending on how they look and are growing they will either be put in me on day 3 or day 5.  So we are looking to either Monday or Wednesday. And they will either implant 2-3 but not more than that. We agreed that was a good plan. I'm praying for 3 good embryo's. That doesn't mean they will all survive, but it just gives us a better chance for ONE surviving.  

Once the embryo's are inserted I will be on bed rest for 3 days. Then that leads me to CHRISTMAS!!!!  whew...I've got a lot to do.  So this weekend I will be trying to catch up on everything I thought I wanted to do for Christmas so I can get ready for next week.  A big week indeed.  Our next appointment with the dr's will be 14 days later. So, we won't know if this procedure worked until probably the new year. It is an amazing process. Only God knows our future and time will tell what's next for us.  But first, in 1 hour, the trigger shot. Things are much easier when handled in little bits. 

One more hour...stay awake kat..stay awake...

Day 11 - tired & sore

What a day.

I haven't been able to get much sleep lately and so my emotions are up. Our appointment this morning was at 7am and we went right to work after. We just got home from musical rehearsal and will repeat that schedule tomorrow. Luckily our appointment tomorrow is at 8:30 though. PRAISE GOD as I could use the extra sleep.

Our appointment today was good and meh.  Good because I'm almost done with my meds!!! Meh, because I'm still on my meds.  Just took shot #18.  It hurt this time.  I'm not sure why they are starting to hurt. The didn't hurt for most of this week and I'm thankful for that!  Dr. B said today that things are looking good.  He measured 7 good sized follicles in my right ovary and 2 in my left. My left has always been a bit behind. haha.  But he thought those were pretty good numbers.  He said he could tell me to take the HCG shot tonight but he really wanted to give a bit more time for the smaller follicles to catch up. So...we take shot #18.  At our appointment tomorrow he will determine if we take the HCG tomorrow night OR if we wait until Thursday.  Dr. B thought it would be Thursday, but if I grow enough tonight it could be tomorrow. I think I secretly hope it's tomorrow.  Saturday we have our first night of the musical and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after this procedure but I would love to be there.  BUT--more that that I want God's timing. :)

So.. more info in the morning.

I'm a bit nervous about the procedure.  I think I have an IV and I've never had that before.  I'm pretty healthy (thank God) and I've never had surgery and only one broken bone when I was 2. My cousin was carrying me down the stairs, tripped and fell on me.  Yes, it was broken.  No I haven't let her forget it. But I do love her. Even if she broke my leg. It's just strange to know they will be taking out my eggs.  I just don't really know what to expect.

We paid our bill today.  It's official. We are doing this.

I got the results of my blood test this afternoon and my estrogen is over 1000.  I guess that's normal. Nurse Patti said they like to see close to 2000.  So I have just a bit more to go.  She said I'm doing great, and Dr. B told me he was proud of me.  They were VERY nice and encouraging to me today.  I'm thinking girls get nervous and anxious around this time. Therefore, we need the extra nice words. I have to admit, it worked for me.

I also found out that Dr. B wont be here this weekend to do the retrieval.  It's going to be Dr. M. He's a great guy too and very good at what he does, but I was hoping it was Dr. B.  :(  Again, I know, God's plan is perfect.  I have a lot of peace and rest in knowing that God has my best interest in His heart. He knows this story already. Nothing is a surprise to Him. I find comfort in that. He's working all things out for my good.

So for tonight, I let my belly thaw from the freezing (to help with the pain of the shot) and then I'm off to bed.  Praying for healthy eggs and peaceful sleep.

I can't thank you enough for praying us through this time.  You each mean so much to me. Peace to you tonight too.

Day 10

Happy Birthday Eden! Today Laura's daughter Eden turns 9.

It's strange how fast she's grown. I remember when Laura announced she was pregnant. We were both trying to have children at the same time. I was SO excited for her, and then so confused when I never became pregnant. I became jealous and angry at my circumstance. Laura was amazing as she tried to understood my pain and I tried to understand her joy. We walked together. Joy & Sorrow. We were traveling full time on the road with onetimeblind and I spent every day with this amazing little girl Eden. We've developed a very special relationship & I love her so much.  I can't help but imagine that I might have had a child this age as well. Or even older. But that's not my story.

Tonight I am tired and doing laundry. I really want to go to bed early tonight. We have an early appointment tomorrow and I need my rest! I'm out of medicine starting in the morning. I called and talked to my nurse who told me that she has some for me if I need it for tomorrow night. That will give me a day to order more if needed. Otherwise we will be assigned to do the big shot! YIKES! I know it's coming soon...I'm just trying to think happy thoughts. If I look like I'm ready to go to retrieval tomorrow morning then the nurse will mix our meds for us and draw a bullseye on my butt so drew knows exactly where to give it to me that night. The meds will trigger me to ovulate and then 36 hours later I can have the procedure for retrieval. All of this is happening soon! If it doesn't look like I'm ready, then I will order more meds and go back the following morning until I am ready. But again, retrieval is soon! I'm a little scared about the big shot, but I know it's a temporary pain so I just assume I can take it for a short amount of time. And I'm a little scared about the procedure, but again, I know these doctors have done this a million times. It's all nerve racking as well as exciting. :) I know God has a plan, so I rest in that.  There are a million things that could go wrong. And also a million things that could go right. It's just life, ya know? Things happen, but as drew once said, 

We can always hope because there's always a tomorrow

and I agree. 

Night 8? 9? I dunno - (guest post by Drew)

Drew here, as your guest blogger for the night -

So… here we are. Night number something or other, and my wife asks me to post a little ditty to give y'all a bit of my perspective on all this. It's been a while since I've written anything and i'm feeling pretty rusty. But i will attempt to share some thoughts, some feelings, and hopefully a little perspective from "the dude" point of view.

I gotta admit, when we first decided to start this process, I was incredibly apprehensive. I've heard the horror stories about a wife going mental while on these shots; about how it's a total shock to her system and 'chemical rage' becomes the norm; fears about babies being born with 2 heads because of all the hormones; all of this stuff was a huge concern for us. Was this the right choice?

It's been 11 years on this journey, with lots of pain and heartache, and a ton of months filled with hope that never materializes. For the most part, this has been a bitter journey. i think the bitterness has come from not having a reason why this wasn't working. Every time we've journeyed into the world of doctors and ultrasounds and probes and appointments, we've always heard the same thing; "Well, we just don't know." There's a deep pain that comes with such a hopeless answer. Aren't they the experts? Shouldn't they be able to come up with a reason why this wasn't happening?

When we went in for our first consultation with Dr. B, we finally got a reason.

We've known for a while that my count is lower than normal (but hey, it only takes one, right?). Also, Kat has some endometriosis flaring up. Couple that with some lazy swimmers (apparently they like to do the dog paddle) and you've got yourself a rough go of things. Why? Well, apparently Kat's body, while trying to fight off the endometriosis, decides that everything that's not hers is an enemy. Since my guys are kinda floating along in an inner tube on a lazy river, sipping beers without a care in the world, they seem to be getting gunned down before reaching their final destination.

This revelation finally answered the question of why. it was a huge relief actually. It was no longer a mystery. And I personally felt like I could move forward. We left that office ready to start this leg of our journey, and, for the first time in a long while, I even had a bit of hope.

I'm realizing as we're going deeper into this process that this really isn't something most guys freely talk about. This whole "trying-to-get-your-wife-pregnant" thing is not too socially acceptable amongst the male crowd. And that's a shame really. Maybe it's this macho ideal that's been perpetuated for centuries, or some archetypal drive to prove oneself, but the bottom line is when things aren't going to plan, you tend to feel like a bit of a failure. This may come as a shock, but guys aren't too keen on talking about their failures - especially in the bedroom. It's sad though, because when you're thick in the middle of it all and feeling the weight of the world, and your future family, weighing on you, the one thing you need is for someone to tell you it's going to be ok, that you're not a failure, and that it will all work out.

Some guys aren't comfortable with the tough questions like, "Am I man enough?" and so they clam up and shut down. Personally, I'm quite vocal about our struggles. Why not be? For real, i got no shame. Not anymore. All that went away years ago. Heck, because of these past 11 years, i've got some killer stories (yes, that's stories plural) about me, a sterile plastic cup and a female receptionist who always seems to give the evil eye, that would make you laugh and cringe and laugh some more. But to be honest, there just isn't a ton of moral support out there for "the dude."

I am a fan of Twitter. I tend to gravitate towards its brevity and creativity. It's storytelling in 140 characters or less. Most of the people you'll see show up in my timeline are there because i find them particularly funny. It's good to get a quick laugh in now and then throughout the day. One of the guys i follow is Andy Lassner (@andylassner), the producer of The Ellen Show. This guy is quick and funny, and knows how to laugh at the awkwardness of life. One day I'm scrolling thru my feed and a tweet of Andy's comes up that says something like "Happy birthday to my 2 boys - from Mommy, Daddy and your IVF Doctor" - First, it made me laugh. Second, it reminded me that other guys have gone thru this thing. A LOT of other guys. I wanted to let him know i appreciated his post, and that we were about to start IVF as well. My post to him became a conversation between us, with an open door to message him with any questions I might have.

I messaged him, telling him how nervous i was, how it was uncharted territory for us both, and that I was just plain scared. He wrote back 3 words that really changed me:

"You got this."

So simple and remedial, but really struck a deep chord in my heart. Here's some stranger, a producer on some show, who doesn't know me from a rock, and he merely says "You got this." And i knew right away he was right. I could do this. WE could do this. It's scary and uncertain, and expensive, but we could do it! He and I have talked a few more times since then (he, like several of you, is offering prayers up for us). And it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

I'm not the first husband to give shots to his wife. I'm not the first to have a low sperm count. I'm not the first to drive from appointment to appointment that end without any answers. I'm not the first to ache to provide the desires of my wife's heart, as well as for mine. I'm not the first to feel inadequate. And I'm definitely not the first to be scared as hell, but excited for things to come, either!

We've had a rough go over the last 11 years, but i wouldn't change any bit of it. I know that beauty DOES come from ashes, and joy DOES come in the morning. I know that anything good is worth fighting for. I'm honored to be able to mix my wife's nightly "cocktails" and experience this with her. I'm honored that we could save up thousands of dollars to be able to do this, and that God has been the provider of it all for us. I have really wrestled with the money aspect, by the way. It seems so selfish to use this money on ourselves when there are so many people out there who need money, who could benefit from it all. I know we could do so many things for the Kingdom with this cash. I struggled a lot with it, and kept asking God if this was okay for us to do. I would pray, "God, are you sure this is right? I mean, we could use this money to do so much good in the world, to bring honor to Your name, and really make a big investment in the Kingdom!" His reply to me was, "That's exactly what you're doing."

It's going to be good. It's going to be okay. And it's going to bring a lot of people a lot of joy. So, here's my lengthy post - all about fear and hope and semen analysis and Twitter. And an end to another day of shots and anticipation.

It's true what they say, ya know.

 

We got this. : )

Day 8--night

SO--our appointment today...we arrived and quickly got ushered in for our ultrasound. The Dr. came in and told me right away that it would be a quick check up to see how I'm "cooking".  So we did the ultrasound. My follicles are growing! :)  Dr. said everything looks good and on schedule.  The follicles on my right side are growing well, and the ones on my left are just a few but they are growing. I mentioned that it was strange because last week I had more follicles on my left side then my right. But this week it's opposite.  He looked at the nurse and started saying things I didn't understand. "Really?", he looked at the nurse.  She says, "yes, that's right".  Dr, "Did they pull a Bonnie?". Nurse, "It looks that way".

WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

The only thing I could come up with was Bonnie & Clyde, but I really don't know.  Doctors and their code talk...  He then said everything's great and I was to get dressed and go get my blood drawn.  The nurse that drew my blood was awesome. She didn't even think twice before she had that needle in my arm.  I told her I was a fainter (I tell every nurse that draws my blood this. I feel it's only fair they should know what might be in their future.) and it didn't even phase her.  She looked at me and her eyes said, "We'll see about that".

The intention of this appointment was to see how my follicles are growing and adjust my medicine according to how they look.  I guess many times the meds are increased. They determine this by my hormone levels through my blood test. So I got the results a few hours later and the numbers are great. Dr. said I can keep taking the normal dose of meds that I'm on.  Which is a blessing financially. My next appointment is Tuesday morning.  So I get Monday morning off because normally at this point in the game I see the Dr. every day.  I'm thankful to not have to do that.  However, I DO have to order more meds. My meds run out tomorrow night and my nurse gave me some free to get me through Monday night. So Monday I have to order more, but it's hard because we don't really know how much to order. I don't want to order too much because it's expensive and obviously not returnable.  So I will call Monday and order 2 more boxes I guess.  That will get me through Thursday, which is the day Dr. said I might be ready.  He also said that by just quickly looking at my follicles he thought they could probably get about 10 eggs out of this round. WOW! 10!

Now 10 doesn't mean 10 babies, or even 10 embryo's. It just means 10 eggs.  Sometimes after retrieval the eggs aren't mature enough to use. Or possible something else could be wrong. Then once they are injected with sperm, they could not mature from that and no embryo would be created.  So they have to survive that too.  Then IF they survive the retrieval and the ICSY they will be given 3-5 days to mature.  Sometimes they don't mature.  So all of that to say 10 doesn't mean 10. It means a good number to start with for which I'm thankful.  Very thankful.

I'm doing this right now:

Shot #14.  For some reason the medicine is starting to sting. My nurse told me it was supposed to sting, but for the most part it didn't.  Last night, and just now, it was stinging. grrr.  Still worth it though. ;) 

We got our Christmas tree today! YAY! We weren't sure we were going to get one this year, but we decided to get it today. We usually go to a tree farm and spend all day finding the perfect tree to cut down.  It's fun. But today was rainy, and I just didn't feel like getting wet while looking for a tree.  Cold and snowy is one thing, wet and cold is another. So we went to Wal-mart to get our tree (figured we might as well get the cheapest one). But alas, no trees at Wal-mart.  So we headed to Lowes, they had about 20 trees and 1/2 of them were SPRAY PAINTED!!!! NO--I'm not lying. For reals, they were like bright green and spray painted.  I told drew I would rather have NO Christmas than have a spray painted tree.  It was bad enough that we were buying one at a store instead of chopping it down, but spray paint?!?!? ugh.

So we left there, went to Meijer..no trees. Good grief! We decided to try Home Depot and FINALLY we found our "perfect" tree....which has fallen over twice already. haha.  Tis the season! And we got colored lights this year (we usually take turns, I like colored blinky, Drew likes all boring white so we trade every other year) so I could have my turn. But 1/2 of the ones we bought were burned out (thanks Wal-mart!) so we are waiting till tomorrow to decorate. But it was still great to get the tree in our place.

Drew got his birthday gift from my sister Kari today.  I think he liked it.  No, it's not supposed to be a hat. But it IS cool. And he loved is mini tinsel tree.

I got a gift as well.  Kari has a ring that she has worn for I don't know how long but it was a sign of things to come.  Peaceful days. Lovely days. Days filled with Laughter and Joy. Family, Love. She sent me that ring to wear in this season.  It means more to me than she will ever know.

Day 8

We leave for our appointment in 15 minutes. I'm nervous today. I don't know why though.  I'm hoping everything looks great down there and that the meds are working perfectly.  I have a feeling we might have to order more meds for next week. It's an additional cost I was hoping to avoid, but with this type of treatment you are either in, or out.  There is no..."well, I guess I changed my mind". I mean, you CAN do that, but please, I don't know who would.  It would be a waste of God's money. And I wouldn't want to stop.  I've actually been (ssshhhhh) enjoying the process.  I don't feel overwhelmed or stressed. I have peace about whatever happens. God is good and He read the book of my life before I was born. He knows the outcome even though I don't.  So if I trust Him there's no reason to get nervous. He's got me. And to me, that's all that matters. 

Last night's shot (#12) hurt. I decided to get it right below my belly button vs. to the right or left. Bad idea. Even though I iced, I could feel the meds going in and stinging me.  I had to keep reminding myself that tattoos hurt more.  And I've done that several times for more than 30 seconds (the time of a shot).  I have found most of this journey is a mind game. Where are your thoughts? What are you speaking? Faith raises something up in you that gives you strength beyond what you thought was possible.  Trusting God to know that all is well and His plan is best for me. No matter what that looks like.  Let's be honest, no one wants to be an old mom or dad.  But I bet at some point that didn't matter to Abraham and Sarah anymore.  I bet they were just thankful to be in God's mighty plan for saving the world. Most of us are too small to realize that we are in God's mighty plan for saving the world. How would we live or think differently if we actually believed that?

Yesterday was emotional. Extremely sad for losing my friend Jim and for his wife Amy who now starts a new journey.  Darry & Montina, Tony & Courtney, Allan D, Ryan & Laura and Drew and I got together for coffee which lead to hanging out more which lead to dinner. It was SO sweet to my soul.  I miss all of them more than I could express.  This morning after our appointment we are having breakfast with the Shavers. I know life takes us in different directions, but I'm so thankful to be loved by such amazing people.  

Here we go to our appointment.  Say a little prayer for us! (even though I know most of you are still sleeping. That's where I would like to be too..so maybe just sleep for us for a few more hours) :)

Day 6 - blessed & sad

Today was filled with unexpected blessings as well as a night filled with grief. I was blessed to receive this today from my friend Suzanne.

It makes me feel so special that she even knew what day it was for me. I am blessed. Day 6 is done.

I also realized when looking at my calendar today that this Saturday, the day of our appointment to find out how my follicles are growing, is this day on the calendar:

I thought that was funny. :)

Mid afternoon I started to not feel so good. I knew it was just a few hours until we had to go to the funeral home.  We left after work and went to go get Ryan and Laura and headed to downtown Rochester. Our car started acting funny again which only added to my anxiety for the night. We finally found a place to park and went in.  There was a line at least 30 people long. We saw several friends that we love and the reaction was the same...happy to see one another, hating that its like this. They were showing home movies of Jim playing the ukelele in the background. The room was overflowing with people who were talking, laughing and enjoying one another. I finally got up to the front of the line and introduced myself to Jim's sister-in-law. Not her fault, it's hard to meet and greet hundreds of people you don't know.  I introduced myself to Jim's dad. He has kindness in his eyes. And sadness. I saw his mother and she said, "I remember you..Kathy, right? You did drama with Jim. What was the name of that group?" .  She looked tired. I couldn't believe she remembered me. Honestly, I have no idea when I met her. I just have a hard timing remember those details of my life. But she was so kind to remember me out of all the people she was about to talk to.

Then there was Jim.

It's not right that someone so full of life, so loving, so funny, so caring and with such ambition could be gone so soon.  I hate that I didn't take more time to hang out with him.  But I know God plans my footsteps before I know them. If I was meant to spend more time I would have.  But it makes me wish for days like college where we all saw each other daily. We encouraged each other daily.  We were young, and growing.  We are still growing ...not as young though. haha.

I had to leave earlier than most tonight. I just couldn't be in there any longer. Its ok. Its good know your limits. I was ok leaving.  It makes me wonder how tomorrow is going to be. Not sure how long I can stay then either. There's a dinner after the funeral but I'm not sure I'll make it through.

I'm glad I have nothing planned for tomorrow.  Just the funeral.  I have the rest of the day to rest. And I have to call my nurse as well.  We will be out of one kind of medicine on Sunday night and we wont know if we need to order more until it's too late to order on the weekend. So I will call tomorrow morning and figure that out.  I guess we will also ONCE MORE have to take our car in for electrical issues this time.  idk. That car gives me anxiety. For real.

Overall, I am blessed. I am safe.  All is well.  God is good. He continues to provide for us and create good things in our lives. I'm so thankful. Finding joy, amidst this confusing time. This is for all my friends who are grieving.

Day 5 - 8 shots down

So, this is day 5.

During this week nothing really happens. I just wake up and take my shot then go to work come home take my shot and go to bed.  Well, it sort of happens that way.

This morning I woke up and on my way into work I prayed for my friend Amy that she would have comfort on her day 5.  It's so strange how life can bring such tragedy and such hope at the same time.  I just watched a video about 911.  It was an interview with all of the captains of the boats that were in the water near New York that day.  They talked about how in the midst of complete confusion and tragedy they came together and accomplished an unthinkable goal.  The interview talked about how it was the largest water evacuation in American History. Larger than Duncurk in WWII when they evacuated 339,000 soldiers in 9 days. On 911 more than 500,000 people were evacuated off that island in less than 9 hours. 9 hours.  That is amazing.  But the more amazing part was when several of the captains said it was the greatest day of their lives.  WHAT???  The attack on the American people on September 11th was the GREATEST day of their lives? How can this be? Because in the midst of tragedy God shows up and does amazing things.  When people pull together great things can be accomplished. People have great purpose. It truly is awesome.

the vid...if you have time, it's great.


God is still doing amazing things. He's showing up even in the midst of our tragic moments.

Tomorrow we go to the funeral home after work. It's going to be beyond sad. And mostly uncomfortable.  But I'm thankful to have loved such an amazing man. And to have felt the influence of him in my life.

shot #9 is waiting for me in the morning.
I must sleep now cuz drew says it will make me a nicer person.  :)

Day 4

Day 4 has gone by quickly.

Nothing to crazy to report.  Shots are still happening! I'm starting to show a little "wear & tear" from the needles.  Sheesh, that sounds pretty awful.  Really it's just little red dots. No biggie.  The shots haven't been as bad as everyone says.  Especially when I ice first. That REALLY helps. Tomorrow I'm 1/2 way to my next appt. which is on Saturday.  I can't wait. for real. I'm wondering how things are growing down there. It's strange to know things are happening down there. I sit and feel my belly wondering if I can feel something.  Not a PERSON obviously. But just feeling different. idk. My girlfriend who has been through this tells me by the end she felt full down there. Kinda like bloated I guess.  For her I think she said they retrieved 13 and only 8 were good. So again, not looking at the numbers....just thinking. :)

Tonight I spoke at a woman's dinner in Lansing. It was fun.  It seemed the topic of the night was women who have all birthed at least 3 kids and more of them naturally. Then I met a woman who has 7 kids. She said her husband had 2 VASECTOMY's and had 2 oops babies.  She said even the doctors were astounded at how that happened. I just thought, that is so crazy. Each person's story is so very different from the next. But to be honest, all of these stories made me feel tired. They made me second guess if this is really what I want anymore.  I mean, for real...I'm 40 and come home to a quiet apartment where I can do whatever I want. I get up in the morning after a nice nights rest and make coffee and get ready for work. If this works everything will be different in a few short months. My friend Laura told me what I'm feeling is normal and once I hear those cute feet running down the hall I will feel different.  I asked her if she would take the babies until then. Babies poop a lot. And cry a lot. But they do grow fast.

I guess this is sounding like a strange post when I've asked you all to pray for us! In my heart of hearts I know God's promise for us.  I've been ready for this next season for a long time.  I think God is just making me feel content in this season.  I feel a lot of peace. I feel very calm. I'm trying to stay stress free.  And as Nurse Patti says, "the most important part is to keep breathing." . I think that's the best advice I've gotten about life. Keep Breathing. Tomorrow is another day.

My friend Suzanne told me to make a ring chain and every shot I take I get to remove a ring. I thought that was a GREAT idea, but I haven't been home to make one.  I love the idea of counting down.  My hope is that I will have to only take 16 shots.  BUT--even at my most, I would hope I only have 16 left. I can do this.  Drew is an EXCELLENT shot giver now. No falling on the floor. No double pokes. No leaving the meds out of the fridge all day (yes, that happened, but it was still kinda cold so we prayed it was fine and are believing it is) It's all going to be ok.

OH!>>>>>so our friend Jim's funeral is on Friday.  They found out that their life insurance policy hadn't matured yet. They had 4 more months. So now they have to pay for the funeral out of pocket.  Such a sad, sad story. There's another woman who lost her husband a few years ago.  She has a blog and get's paid by advertisers anytime someone visits her page.  I'm asking people to visit her page as often as you can.  She's donating the money in December to my friend Amy.  So please if you get a chance, visit this blog veronica king blog  She has an amazing testimony too.  God is so good at redeeming.

The stars were out and the moon was low and full.  It was a beautiful night as drew and I figured out we were staring at Jupiter.  I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him.  He's an amazing man.

Sweet dreams until tomorrow.
  

Day 3

Today is my mothers 71st birthday. :)  It's strange to think about her age and know I will never see her age to that. She's in a way better place which is great.  But I can't help but miss her.  I wonder what she would be feeling or saying to me during this season of my life.  I think she would be proud. I'm proud of her and the things she overcame in her life. The truth is, life isn't easy.  We all get dealt some unpleasant cards from time to time.  But mom found Jesus later in life and decided he could help her find her way.  She seemed more peaceful with him in her life.  She would babysit our good friends daughter sometimes and I remember her so badly wanting to be a grandmother. She would've been the best.  I would've had an amazing grandmother team with my mom and Sweet Lou. My kids would be spoiled to the max!  But again, each story is different and although mine wont have a physical Grandma Jane, my kids will know her and all the funny things she did. Happy Birthday mom. I hope to make you a grandma again this month. (grandbaby #8 - my siblings got the jump on me - haha)

Today was a CRAZY busy day. We woke up and Drew remembered he had to work early so we worked at home for an hour then went into work and the entire day was finished in a flash.  I guess that's a good thing. My morning shot (the one that doesn't hurt) hurt. So when Drew put the needle in I said, "OUCH!" and he proceeded to pull the needle out and have to poke me again.  UGH. He claims it wasn't in the first time, but it must have found a muscle or something cuz that one hurt pretty bad.  My head was still hurting from a migraine I got the day before so that didn't help either.  Our nurse Patti said the most important thing to remember during the shots is to breathe. I think she is right.  She said she's seen men fall on the ground because they forgot to breathe during the shots or when she takes blood.  I did get light headed and sit down for a minute. Drew brought me water. :) Tonights shot went great. No falling, no screaming (although drew told me to sit down 100 times and not to talk to him while he was mixing drugs)

It's hard to go 30 minutes without thinking about this process.  I don't want it to be on my mind 24/7.  But when doing something that could change your life forever, how can it not be on my mind? Every shot that I take is growing something that could be our first child. Every detail is dripping with God's Grace.  We have a friend who told me she had a dream about me being pregnant.  I was wondering when that would start.  Usually in these processes people will dream about us or our children.  They will get strong impressions from the Lord regarding Hope and Promises.  I'm getting used to it by now, so although I love them, I wont be hurt by them if this treatment doesn't work. God's vision is big.  I can't see what he sees.  I once described it as remembering when I was a child and looking up.  When we were at a restaurant and I looked up all I could see was the bottom part of the table.  It was nasty. It had dirt, grime and gum stuck to it.  I couldn't imagine eating on that table.  But I couldn't see the top.  I couldn't see the amazing meal that was spread out waiting for me. (yes, there were mashed potatoes).  My perspective was short sighted. There is more to the story then nasty gum on the bottom of an old table.

God sees more. So I wait for Him to pick me up and give me some mashed potatoes.

Day 1

I didn't post yesterday because it was a very long day.  We woke up by getting a few phone calls from friends telling us that a dear friend of ours from college had passed away the night before.  He and his wife are wonderful people who love the Lord.  Jim was a huge reason that I wanted to join onetimeblind when I was in college.  His love for Jesus was intoxicating. It was a sad morning as we called friends and informed them about the situation.  This season has been so hard for so many people.  We are continuing to pray for our family and friends. Hug one another today. Don't go to bed mad, it's not worth it. Share with the world the Hope and Love of Jesus. I think they need it.

Ok, so today is day 2 in reality, but my first day of injections. Yesterday after finding out about Jim I started and needed to call the dr. office.  I called at 8:30 and there was no answer - like the phone just kept ringing and ringing.  I thought that was weird so I looked up their hours and found out they open at 9.  So I waited till 9 and called.  Again, just ringing and no answer machine.  I called at 10....10:30..same thing.  I looked at Drew and said, "Something isn't right. There's gotta be other people trying to call in. We are all on the same cycle there.".  I looked over all of my paper work looking for an additional number to call but there was none. I DID however find the paper that told me "Call on DAY ONE"of my period. I might have started to get a little nervous, but the paper said if your day 1 was on the weekend then you had to come in by day 3 to have an ultra sound and start your meds. So I figured we would just drive in Monday morning at 7:30 and show up for an appt. I wasn't that nervous, but then the phone rang.

"Kathlene?"
me-"yes"
nurse-"Have you been trying to call? We just found out our phones are down".  

Aaaaahhhhhhh....yes.......of course they are.

I'm very thankful that she called. She was trying to think of anyone that might try to call that morning and I was one of them. She asked if I could come in at 11:45 and I was surprised but of course said, "YES!".  I thought we would have to wait until Monday anyway since it was later in the day.

(side note: we took our truck back in again--yeah a bit laughable at this point--we think there's a short in the check engine light or something, it keeps coming on. just one more thing = life)

We arrived at the dr. office and we prayed for our friends and then prayed that God would bless our appointment.  I was very nervous. I knew we had to have a good number of follicles to continue the process.  We went in and they were running a bit behind, which was ok.  I got my blood taken by the smartest nurse I've ever met.  Patti is so kind and always has information or advice to give me which is great. She told me to baby my veins because they will be taking blood every day next week (not this week but the following) until they know I'm ready for retrieval.

We had our ultra sound and it went amazingly well!  He said my ovaries look great and he counted 13 follicles! I usually have more follicles on my right side, but this time they were on the left. That doesn't mean anything but just that it's interesting. Nurse Patti said not to look at the numbers.  She told me many times there are little follicles that the dr's don't count and so we never know how many eggs there will be until the retrieval.  She also told me multiples are more likely in older women for some reason. It's all very interesting. :) The Dr. said my uterus "looked like a 35 year old, or maybe even 25".  I thought that was such a blessing to hear.  2 years ago my gynecologist told me my uterus looked like a 26 year olds.  I felt that was the blessing of the Lord. I find it very God-like to hear that word spoken over me again. Especially from this Dr. who always reminds me that I'm in the 40 crowd. Not to be mean, but he has to look at the stats etc. I get it. But I believe in a God that waits till people are "old" to start a promise.  He's funny like that.

SO---that brings us to this morning.

Injection #1.

Not bad. Drew did a great job. :)  It didn't hurt, it went fast and I think the morning shots will be ok. Yes, I closed my eyes after this picture was taken. Tonight will be a different story.  There are 3 different meds mixed together in one shot. I've been told they sting a little.  But I'm reminding myself that there are only 22 shots at the most. I'm praying for 14-16.  So please pray for that! The number of shots depend on how I "boil" as nurse Patti says. She explained it like growing flowers. The meds help the follicles grow all at the same time instead of one faster than the other.

This is so they can retrieve all the eggs at the same time and hopefully the same maturity.  

So this week we concentrate on being stress free (haha) and we take one shot in the morning and one at night.  I've tried to add a widget on the right side of my blog to show my December Calendar, it didn't work the greatest, but here's the basics: 

Day(December1) 1: start period. 

Day 2: ultrasound & blood work (all came out great!)

Day 3: (today) start shots. One in the morning, one at night. Morning shot is Lupron. For me, it basically prevents/controls ovulation. (the website link provided is NOT my dr, but it's a good resource). My night time shots will be a mixture of lupron, bravelle and menopur. 

Day 4: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 5: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 6: continue with morning & evening shots - eat chocolate

Day 7: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 8: 7:45am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds according to results. 

Day 9: continue shots. 

Day 10: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

**This week Determines if I've "cooked" enough and every day could possibly be a plan for egg retrieval. Appointments etc. will change based on results.  

Day 11: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

Day 12: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds.

Day 13: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds.

Day 14: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

Schedule will go like this until I look ready at which time I will be instructed to take the "trigger" shot of Ovidrel or hCG. Then 36 hours later I will have the retrieval. After the retrieval the embryologist will create the embryo's.  I will get daily updates on how they are doing etc. I have the day off after retrieval (YAY!) and then I will start taking progesterone daily until I find out that I'm pregnant. But no more shots! Once the embryologist decides the embryo's are ready we go in and they do the transfer. This will be a very great day. The hard parts will be over!

After the transfer I plan on resting for 3 days. Praying, resting, eating chocolate. :)  I wish I could plan it out more and know exactly what days were going to be what, but I guess that's part of the fun. :) I'm asking for prayers that everything goes well and quick so I don't have more shot then necessary.  

If you're still reading - BLESS YOU! I know this is a long post, but I just had to get all of that out. I will post the next few days, but they wont be exciting.  Just shots every day and regular life stuff.  Hope all of you are having a wonderful day. 

kat   

another day of waiting

I thought I would be making a call today to the dr, but nope. I will pray for tomorrow.  They are open on Saturday, so I guess we will see!  Drew had the day off so it was nice that he was around resting. He's been working hard and pretty stressed. The day was spent with coffee with a mentor, crafts with a friend and home made squash kale pizza with drew. A good day.

However, we got a call about our car and it needed a new hose. And the oxygen sensor needed replaced. So we did all of that. They fixed it fast than I thought and we picked it up.  We went out tonight and the minute we turned the car on the engine light came on again. :)

What I think is hard isn't that our car constantly has something wrong.  The problem is fear. And false positives. Feeling like something is positive only to find out it's not. "Perfect Love casts out ALL fear." That perfection is Jesus. His love, the way he loves, the way he protects, the way he counsels me. I need more of him. More Peace. More Love. More focus.

We are pushing through. No going back. That's just the way it is.  Dumb car.

Tomorrow's goal = fall off the roof (as my sister & her friends used to say) Hoping to see red so I can call for an appointment and get this show on the road!  Besides hoping for that maybe I will put up some Christmas decoration.

not yet....

In 12 years (or really my whole life) I've never wanted my period to start like I do right now.  My last pill was on tuesday so ..... any...minute now....

Once it starts I'm supposed to call the dr. and make an appointment for an ultrasound.  That's when they discover how many follicles I have this month.  I'm praying for many.  They are naturally formed each month in varying numbers. Last month I had 13, so I'm hoping for good numbers!  No new news in fertility world.

We DID get our truck today.  It's been quite a story. We bought a Jeep Commander (used) and the engine light came on while we were driving it home. SO--it went to our shop, then back to the dealer, then one engine replacement (and month) later we picked it up. This was today. I was so excited to finally have my 'new' truck. When we got to work coolant was pouring out the bottom.  Our friend Mark looked at it and said he thinks a clamp was loose. So back to my shop it went.  As I was driving it with the check engine light and classical music blaring, I reminded myself how lucky we are.  I mean, yes, things have been challenging lately and I'm feeling pretty stressed, but we are safe. We have food. We are healthy (except my mystery tooth pain) and we are SO very loved. I have nothing to complain about. I am most blessed.

OH! ok, I will share one funny story of the day. Drew and I have been buying farm fresh eggs from some friends at church who have chickens. They are SO good.  Today the Mr. wrote me on facebook and asked, "Hey Kat! How's it going? Just wondering if you need more eggs?".  When I get a message it shows up on my phone and I can only see so much of it so that's all I saw.  I thought..."um....how did he know we were doing fertility treatments? And WHY oh WHY would HE ask me if I needed more eggs? Does he want to give me some? Or does he want MINE?"  Needless to say for about 10 seconds I was very, very confused. But after realizing he just wanted to sell me some chicken eggs, I had to laugh.  bawk! bawk!

twothurty

What a day.

So many blessings and a few bouts of stress.  I woke up last night around 3 am sweating and my mouth was throbbing.  In October I had a root canal on one of my back teeth.  I will spare you the details but I had to go back 3 times for them to make sure they got it all.  It was bad. But when I left things seemed to be fixed.  Last night that tooth started hurting.  So I woke up exhausted and frustrated. I don't have time or money to fix this tooth. Nor do I want to deal with this 3 days before I start taking medication for treatments. And I'm not even sure I CAN take medication or get my tooth fixed or get x-rays.  I went to work feeling tired and a good friend of mine asked me how my morning was going.  I wanted to cry right in front of her.  Suzanne encouraged me to go to the dentist to at least get an x-ray because without that we don't have any information, we are just guessing.  I was nervous. But she was right. I called and they got me in at 11.  After they took the x-ray I sat in the chair listening to the nurses say things like, "see that?" "oh yeah, wow, ok".  And I just looked straight ahead. I was left a lone for a minute and I just looked up and confessed out loud, "God, I need you.  I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this again. I need to focus on other things. Please God".

The dentist is an older man who wears a magnifying glass on his eye glasses. Today he was smiling and I appreciated that. He looked at the x-ray then tapped on my tooth. He asked me if I clinch my teeth at night. I said yes and that I have a night guard but don't wear it often.  He told me my x-ray today looks the same as the last time I came. He believes I'm clinching my teeth at night and it's causing my gums to hurt. He prescribed me a z-pack and told me to wear my night guard.  I told him I'm nervous because we are starting treatments soon.  He told me he can work on my teeth even if I'm doing treatment but that he wouldn't have to.  Then he smiled and wished me luck.

I left Praising God SO MUCH for what he did for me. My tooth still hurts but I'm on the z-pack even though I don't like it.  I called my nurse Patti today to ask her if it was ok to take the meds and she said I will actually take them during retrieval too so it was fine for now. I don't know if this z-pack will help me, but maybe it will clear my sinuses. Nurse Patti is very positive and kind.  She said, "I guess I will talk to you in a few days!".  It makes me feel excited. :)

My fertility medication arrived today! I had to have it shipped to my friend Jen's house who was more than a bit nervous to watch over my box till I got there.  She did great. ;)

I got home and ignored the box till after dinner. A lady called me earlier today to tell me I could call her and she would go through the box with me.  I thought that was a little weird until I opened it.  After removing loads of bubble wrap (the best part of the box I might add) I saw a boxes and bags. None of them making sense. I called my point lady, Mary.  She was driving but instructed us to put all the meds in a pile and everything else (needles etc) in another pile. Then she had us read them to her and she explained what they were and when we would take them.  It was EXTREMELY helpful.

I also talked to Naz (yes) who is giving our truck a new engine.  Still feel stress about that and not sure how that's going to end, but supposedly it will be fixed by tomorrow. We will see. Oh, and I don't think he called me baby today, but I'm really not sure.

Over all I was stressed and wanting to cry most of the day. Probably partly because I'm pms-ing and partly because I do feel a lot of stress. Tomorrow is a new day. Another day of waiting. One more thing checked off the list. I just need to calm down and keep breathing.

Hoping to sleep tonight.

Milk + Nerves = bad

It's been a pretty good day today.  I've been waiting to hear about my car (did I mention we bought a used car about a month ago and it blew a head gasket the next day?) but still no word.  It is getting fixed and by God's Goodness the salesman is helping us out.  BUT- that means we wait and wait.  Eventually we will have that car.  It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.  I had cream with coffee this morning. And with my breakfast.  And with my dinner. And with my nightly coffee to help me get through children's musical rehearsal. I learned too much creamer is a very bad thing. Needless to say, Drew had to run most of the rehearsal tonight while I was in the restroom not resting. So thankful for Drew!
I just feel nervous.

#1 Rule for fertility treatments: Don't stress about anything.

I'm glad we picked December for this once in a lifetime treatment. But again, why not?  Perfect Love casts out all fear...and nerves.  :)  Just trying to focus on Jesus cuz I need a bit more of him.  So much more.

Today was a pretty good day. Took my last pill so I'm assuming my period will start by Friday at the latest. I got a call from our specialty pharmacy that our card was denied.  Had a small heart attack and then called to find out we just needed to raise our security limit.  A few more phone calls and all is well.  It will ship out in the morning. Meds, needles and such.  Yes needles, lots of them.  And a special cool box to put them in when I'm done. That's right, I'm cool.

My nephew Jonathan had to take growth hormone shots EVERY day for most of his life.  I keep reminding myself of that.  I can't be a wimp in front of him.  That would be SO embarrassing.  ;) I'm not really afraid of the shots though.  I can't really pin point where the nerves are coming from.  I'm embracing the process and actually finding it fascinating.  I think I do have fear that we will do the meds wrong.  But we are praying all good things over the meds.  God is good.

I talked to my boss today about the time I might need off for appts and the retrieval etc. She told me no worries and home life comes first.  I thought that was nice.  She then reminded me about a professor that just found out her daughter-in-law is having triplets.  They did IVF and had 3 embryo's placed. When they heard the heart beat the first time, they only heard 2.  The second visit they heard 3. I can't even imagine that in my wildest dreams.

I've never been to Alaska.  My sweet mother-in-law has and every time she talks about it I wonder what it would be like to experience that.  I can only imagine what it's like from movies and books. I can't actually place myself there and feel how cold it is or hear the ice fall into the water.  Being pregnant is kinda like that.  If you've never been, you can only imagine what you've seen other people go through.  You can't imagine looking down and seeing that plus sign, or having a baby bump, or going to THAT side of the store (the one I avoid) to look for clothes that fit or to actually FEEL something inside of you.  What a mystery. I'm ok with not ever feeling those things, but it's in this type of situation that you try. You try to imagine something you've never experienced. It's pretty much impossible. It's just a story you think is impossible.  But that's just it, it's not impossible.

I told a friend tonight that I just learned that Hope is believing in something where there is a possibility. Wishing is dreaming of the impossible. With God all things are possible, so we Hope. Seriously people, He raises the dead...like..for real! This isn't impossible for Him. So, we continue to Hope knowing there is a cracked door still open and I can almost see the promises on the other side.

Tomorrows goal? Refer back to #1 above.

Last day

So tomorrow is my last day of being on the pill.  It's strange to think that after 12 years of trying to have children I've been taking the pill for over 30 days. HA! But it's really for the doctors to be able to control my ovulation etc. so I get it.

Today I ordered my "it costs as much as a used car" baby making medication. I went over it 10 times with the nice lady- Wendy.  I kept saying, "I'm sorry, can you spell that again" and "Now how many viles of that am I getting?" She kept repeating it over and over but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening. She went on to explain that I have no return policy and I also have only 72 hours to make sure my order is right and I'm not missing something. (I DID hear that part) The truth is it's really scary to me.  When I made the call to place the order I was shaking.  I actually hung up and had to call again.  No, this is not when I placed the order, that was last week.  I've had the order on hold to the very last minute just in case.  In case of what? I'm not really sure.  I hung up the phone and started crying.

I told Drew I was PMSing.  He reminded me I was on the pill and my body doesn't know when that will stop so it probably wasn't PMS.  I told him to shut up.  haha, but I guess he's probably right. I don't remember how the pill works. It's been awhile.

When I think about the process of taking shots, one in the morning, one at night...I don't feel scared. I know Drew is going to do most of that and let's be honest, he's pretty smart. Thank God!  I would be mixing meds with who knows what! I don't know how some women do it alone.  I know we get to a place where we hurt so bad we will do anything to fill that gap inside us.  I don't really have a huge gap.  I have a longing... a yearning... for family...but not a gap, meaning I don't feel empty. I just feel like something is missing.  

So it's done. Ordered. No going back now.  Meds show up on Wednesday but probably wont need them until next week.  3 deep breaths. It's going to be ok.

The people that Hope, Win.

Past my bedtime for tonight. Sweet Dreams to us all.

Praying for December Miracles

OK ~ December…ready or not, here we come!  I'm ready though. I'm scared, but ready. 

The Short (drew's 'get to the point') Version: 

Drew and I have been saving all year to try one more fertility procedure. It's a doozy, but we feel we must rule out every option as we continue in our journey to our family.  In 2 days we will start our walk towards In vitro fertilization.  We are asking for prayers for December as we push through this process. The process starts in the later part of this week and we will know if it works by the end of December. Please pray this treatment is successful!  We are believing God for a miracle or 2 or 3 but no more than that, cuz that's just crazy  ;)  .  Thank you!

The Longer (kat tells every detail) Version: 

For those of you who are interested in what In vitro fertilization is exactly, I will describe it towards the end of this post.  But the bottom line is we are going to a specialist to remove a few of my eggs so they can be fertilized in a lab with Drew's sperm.  They rest and grow in the lab for a few days and become embryos.  Once they are ready, they will be put back in me and we pray for God's creating miracle to begin.  We will know if it worked by the end of December.  In the fertility world, this is the big one.  I remember reading about this in some chat rooms years ago when we first started our journey towards children and I couldn't imagine doing this test.  But God has a way of changing your heart, and maturing you as He leads you on different paths. I spoke to a girl tonight who recently found out they didn't have high chances of conceiving.  She said by the end of the conversation she felt inspired. We just talked about the many ways for God to bring us children. I sat and looked at my stone that says HOPE and my statue of the little boy with the HOPE balloon and I swallow hard as I know her journey is just beginning.  I hope their road to family is shorter than mine has been. I hope my road ends soon too.

I've been doing pretty good emotionally.  I am walking the delicate balance of one foot in, one foot out.  I can't be all in because if this treatment doesn't work and I'm all in, it will be devastating. I've been down that road too many times. I need to just trust God to know what's best. But it's hard. 

Today was baby dedication at church.  Sometimes I can't go, today it seemed ok.  It just so happened that the 2 families that were dedicating their kids were a couple with the last name of Cotter (not related to me btw) and a couple with the last name of Smith (also, not related to drew).  So the whole time Pastor Richard was saying stuff like "As we dedicate the Cotter-Smith babies ....." etc. I kept looking at Drew and laughing.  What are the chances, for real.  Sometimes I don't know what God is trying to say! Maybe it is a good sign.  

My sister has told me countless times (Laura has too), "Just take one step, then take the next step…" This is how battles are won.  One day at a time.  One step. One decision. One breath.  Breathe in deep….breathe out.  Yes, 3 times. (Great advice from Jenny) This changes my atmosphere, my thinking.  More good advice from Ryan today, "This week take a bath in your mind".  I will be thinking about that one for sure.  

So I'm going to try to blog every day.  I know most of you may not be interested.  That's ok. I know how that goes, we are all busy and have lots to do. So I will try to put a short (drew version) update on top and a "kat" long winded version on the bottom. This week we will be waiting.  I've been on the pill for a month (which is HILARIOUS!) so the doctors can control when I ovulate.  This process is an extremely timed out event. I will be checking my list and calendar daily, maybe hourly, to make sure I'm doing everything right. 

My week: 

Monday: Order expensive fertility drugs (no going back after this!)

Tuesday: Take my last pill

Wednesday: wait. 

Thursday: Possibly start my period or more waiting. 

Friday: Start my period for sure, and make appointment for ultrasound with doctors. If everything looks good…

Saturday: start 2 shots a day.  God help us. And by "us" I mean me.  But kinda drew too since he will be giving the shots to me. 

Let the fertility fun begin! Thank you for your love & prayers!

Explanation of In vitro fertilization for those who want to know: 

Wikipedia says: 

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside the body: in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. The process involves monitoring a woman's ovulatory process, removing ovum or ova (egg or eggs) from the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilize them in a fluid medium in a laboratory. When a woman's natural cycle is monitored to collect a naturally selected ovum (egg) for fertilization, it is known as natural cycle IVF. The fertilized egg (zygote) is then transferred to the patient's uterus with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy.

But I must say, it's way more amazing then this definition.  Until I watched a few videos, I really didn't understand how incredible this procedure is. I was going to post a few tonight, but the internet is acting crazy.  I will try to post tomorrow.  Until then, thank you for praying and walking with us on this journey!

Mary's life

In the past 2 months things in our lives have gotten a bit crazy.  I had 3 dentist appts ending in a "I've never seen roots like this before. You're ruining our tools" kind of root canal.  I had an eye appt.  I've seen a new Primary Care Physician cuz my old one was awful at best. We decided to buy a new car, so we did LOTS of research and looked at several cars. We finally found one we liked and we bought it. Driving it home the check engine light came on.  You know where I'm going with that.  Several people in our lives are dealing with health issues, loss of jobs and cars and we've even lost a few special people that were dear to us.  They are now with Jesus. I've been taking 3 deep breaths, often. It does help. 

I'm reminded of this season and how every year Christmas comes sooner.  This year 2 weeks before Thanksgiving people were putting up Christmas lights, playing Christmas music and looking at Christmas displays in the stores. I started to wonder why every year it seems like people want to start the Christmas festivities early.  I love Christmas. I love the traditions of Christmas.  Even though mom and dad are gone and my season always seems a bit strange, I love the mystery of it all.  I love the Christmas magic that comes to children this time of year. I love the feelings of security, love and simplicity. I think many people do and as this world becomes more stressful we long for simpler times. Christmas is a season that represents this feeling. And if we can have one more week of simple times, please let it come.   

But that's not what Christmas was.  When Joseph and Mary were traveling they were running for their lives. They were traveling far from home, on a camel.  Imagine being 9 months pregnant and riding a camel.  For real.  My sister has a friend who rode a camel when she was 9 months pregnant.  She had the baby that week. I guess that works. If there was one word that I could use to describe this season for Joseph and Mary it would be chaos.  Fear would be a second word.  I mean think about it…an angel sent from God comes and tells you that you are going to have God's son. After being freaked out a bit, you realize the honor that actually is. If that happened to me, I would be saving my money or pulling whatever connections I have to make sure that the SON OF GOD is born in an amazing place.  I would want his first breath to be full of pure air with no toxins. I would want blue birds singing or at least the Tabernacle Choir.  I would have the finest sheets money could buy. I would have the room tempeture at a perfect 72 degrees.  I would have prophets and preachers and Spiritual leaders like Billy Graham to be there praying and praising as the Son of God takes his first look at this world up close and smiles.  

Mary must have been struggling. She had a LONG camel ride to think about how she had the privilege out of all the women in the world to bear God's son and she didn't even have a home to have him in. There wasn't a castle.  There were no fancy sheets.  His first breath was mixed with cow dung and sheep's wool.  Mary had to have been stressed thinking that she might have him on the streets.  But when she smelled the stable, maybe she thought the street would've been a better idea. I don't know. It was all wrapped up a little in fear, exhaustion and messiness.  But the Savior was born. And so we win. We hope. We live. We are redeemed. But I'm sure Mary was just hoping he made it through his first night. Promising him that she would take the best care of him as she possibly could.  But reminding him that wouldn't be like Moses life filled with fine foods and palaces.  But still, I'm sure she promised to give him the best she could. And she did. 

Perfect timing. Perfect Season.