Day 16 - triggered.

That's a big number - day 16.  Most women trigger at day 12 or 14 at the latest.  I had an ultrasound last Tuesday and another one Wednesday.  Tuesday everything was growing although it was slow.  I also asked the nurse about the Goneril that I have because I have like 8 boxes and I've never used it.  She looked at me with big eyes and then said, "what do you mean you've never used it". I told her no one ever told me to use it.  She looked on my chart and it stated that the Saturday before I was supposed to start taking it, but the nurse didn't tell me.  So she told me not to worry and that it probably would've only helped a little since I'm slow growing anyway.  I have to admit I wasn't very happy.  I told her that's fine but I felt upset because I spent money on those meds that I never used. SO frustrating.  So needless to say they added it to my protocol for the night.  That was Tuesday.  Wednesday's appointment came and my 2 bigger follicles did move up one point, so I had a 14, a 17 and an 11.  The 11 didn't move at all and they said probably not to count on that one.  The phone call from the nurse that day wasn't very fun.  She explained that my estrogen went down and that is a sign that I could ovulate.  She did say sometimes goneril will make estrogen go down, but they weren't sure that's what it was and they didn't want to chance my body going into ovulation so Dr. C decided I should do the trigger shot that night (Wednesday night).  That shot basically signals the body to ovulate.  So she wanted to talk about the risks of doing IVF with only 2 possible eggs.  This was the worst outcome.

She told us that of course 2 follicles doesn't mean 2 eggs. And the possible 2 eggs doesn't mean they will fertilize. And if they fertilize it doesn't mean they will implant.  And those odds are the same with any number of eggs, however with retrieval the average of eggs that fertilize are 50%.  So IF she got 2 eggs, MAYBE one would fertilize.  The other thing she talked about was the development of the eggs.  18mm is the size they look for. Mine were not there.  The best case scenario is that hopefully by retrieval day that 17 would be an 18.  Most likely it would, but there's still all the other factors.

We had been wrestling about what to do as we felt led to this process and expected better results.  When we started we prayerfully moved forward each step waiting to hear from God.  I asked him to make it clear and give us PEACE.  Dr. C told us she wouldn't do retrieval with less than 3 eggs.  And then we had only 3.  So now we had to choose what to do.  It was an extremely hard decision.  I didn't want to make it.  And I kept hearing, "you don't have to make it right now". So I waited until I did have to make it.  And honestly, God was so gracious.  Because the way the nurse explained everything, she said it really wasn't a good idea.  So we felt peace when we decided to cancel our IVF cycle. I wanted to do it, but not like this. And I've walked enough roads to know if this was something God wanted then the road would be clear and the message would be GO, but that's not where we found the PEACE.

So now what? Well, the stim meds were very expensive and of course we don't want to just stop everything so we've switched to the IUI method.  This method is MUCH easier, simpler etc.  Instead of removing my eggs and injecting the sperm into it, creating an embryo, the IUI let's your body do the work.  So once I've triggered ovulation, they place the sperm in the uterus as close to the eggs as they can get them. Then I lay there for a bit.  Then I go on with life and wait.  It's pretty much like the traditional way of trying to conceive but the sperm doesn't have to travel as far.  This is a good thing for us!

Now the debbie downer part.  We've done IUI's.  Lot's of them.  100% unsuccessful.  As Drew would say, we have had 100% success at IVF (we only did one) and 100% failure at IUI.  It's true. I'm not too hopeful. BUT, I am finishing the process.  And honestly, if God really does make us pregnant through this process I will spend the next 9 months in even more shock then what I was when I was pregnant with Asher.  Serious shock people.  God once again reminds me of the story when the disciples were in the boat and they had been fishing all night but caught nothing.  Jesus shows up and says, "hey, cast your net on the other side".  And the scripture says:

When Jesus had finished speaking, He said to Simon, “Put out into deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” 5“Master, Simon replied,“we have worked through the night without catching anything. But because You say so, I will let down the nets.” 6When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear.…

Jesus.  When Jesus says let down your nets in that empty place, you'd better listen.  I don't know why we are on this path, I really don't.  But I DO know I want to follow him wherever he leads us. And if he tells me to go into deeper water and do something I've done a million times before in a dark season with no results, I'm going to do it. God's kingdom plans are big.  I keep trying to connect to the kingdom vision of it all.  Even if it's just a testimony that we were faithful to walk where he said walk, that's enough.  But maybe, just maybe he has more than that.  We shall see. 

IUI (fish catching) scheduled for tomorrow (friday) at 10:30.

Thank you again for the millions of prayers.  We know lots of you are going through dark times and we stand in prayer with your miracle as well.  We love you so. 

D, K and A

The image Drew saw a little bit after our phone call