Saturday, July 27, 2013

you would love this

Dear mom,

I know it's strange for me to write since I believe you know all of the things happening in my life, but today I just can't get you off my mind. I miss you.  My amazing mother in law came this weekend to help us put together the nursery.  I know you would've wanted to help with that too, but let's be honest, we would've had way more fun just dreaming about the nursery then actually putting it together. :)

As I sit here tonight missing you I looked at the almost finished nursery and started crying.  Besides wishing that you were here to celebrate with us, it's hard to see all of the amazing gifts I've been given and realize they are for a child that is in my womb.  One that will soon be arriving and then come home with me to live...forever.  Well, at least till he's 18ish.  But he will always be God's and he will always be mine.  From the moment he was released from Heaven he was a part of my heart.  I kinda feel like God let you meet him already.  Maybe you sent a kiss for me through him.  I hope he laughs like you.  I hope I can make his childhood fun like you made mine.  I know things weren't perfect, but despite a challenging upbringing the most memories I have are good.  That was because you made them that way.  We never seemed to go anywhere, but we always had fun with what God gave us.

I don't remember if I had a nursery.  I've seen no pictures and if I had to guess I would say I didn't.  And that's ok, I know I was loved.  No nursery is required.

The baby is hiccuping right now.  I can feel him moving to the rhythm of the beat.  He squirms a bit.  He's kind of a squirmer.  He was that way even when he was 9 weeks old!  It's a miracle that I can even know that but his ultrasound showed his newly formed leg kicking. Even my Dr. was amazed.  This baby has greatness in him.  He has God in him giving him strength and life.  He is destined to do amazing things for the Lord.

And he's so cute.  It's amazing how I can fall in love with someone I've never met.  He is the closest he will ever be to my heart.  Just sitting a few inches below it, sharing my blood, my food, my emotion, my spirit in a way.  I wish you were here to see my morphing body.  When I see myself in the mirror I stop every time and just stare.  I look so....not like me.  It's like I'm looking into a dream that I had years ago and I can't get my head to believe that this is ME. But it IS me.  This miracle in my womb.  I make myself another spinach smoothie to give nutrients to this baby that I know, has to be mine.  It's real, but not real.  But tonight, looking at the nursery room, this seems to really be happening.

Even though you've been a grandma 7 times now, it's strange to think of you as being a grandma to my baby. (grand baby #8!)  I know you would love all of the kiddos the same.  They are all amazing.  Even the ones we don't see very often.  I know you would've made the baby something special. I know you would've loved to have gone to all the showers and just been so excited.  The family shower was fun.  All of your siblings were so generous to us.  I'm so thankful to have them all in my life.  And the shower was beautiful of course.

I wish you could come to tomorrows shower.  So many people that I love and that have supported me the last few years will be there.   This group of ladies have become like a second family to me.  They have prayed over us, fed us, given us gifts, had dreams of our baby, encouraged us and just loved us unconditionally as we were in our waiting field. And now we celebrate!  I could never express how thankful I am to the group that will be there tomorrow.  I pray God will show me mercy and I will remember all their names as I've been struggling with that lately even with super close friends.

I'm sorry that you had to leave here 22 years ago today.  But I know you are in the BEST place possible.  Life moves forward as it must.  You are never forgotten or overlooked in my heart.  My kids will know you.  We will tell your stories and talk about your heart for people.  I will teach them to have that heart as Drew has it too.   It's in our heritage.  I'm so thankful.

I pray that we also have dad's heart of fun.  I think that's probably why you both fell in love.  Many times I remember laughing at you and dad. He was silly at times and a good sport when we would tease him about stuff.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. It's been a long day and as memories come and hormones rise it's only going to get harder to get rest.  Another big day tomorrow. I need to sleep and rest up.  I'm excited to spend time with friends and family.  And to go to church since I haven't been able to go in over a month.  God is so good to me.  Overly blessed.

I'm thankful that you loved me.  I'm thankful to be your daughter.  I'm thankful to be in love with an amazing man and to have his son.  He's moving all around now trying to find room to stretch.  Running out of room quickly but that doesn't stop him from trying. I love it.

I wish that you didn't have to leave so soon, but I'm thankful to have God who works out all good things for those that love Him.  He has and continues to work out good things. Very good things.  He's given me not just one, but several second mothers.  Never to replace you, but always to enhance and bring joy, wisdom and love to my life in ways that you no longer can. But all of that is ok.  Because God loves me that much.  And I know that's what you would want.  You might even have had some sort of say in it all. That wouldn't surprise me one bit.  haha.

Ok, good night, sweet dreams.  I miss you terribly.  I love you more than words.

your daughter ~

kathlene

Sunday, July 14, 2013

baggy eyes, bounty & blessing

What a week!

I started the week hoping for they next day's night to come so I could go to bed early and catch up on sleep, but it seemed for whatever reason everyday there was something else to keep me up late.  This brought me to Thursday when we left early to drive to Lansing for our last onetimeblind program before we have the baby.  I didn't really think about it until I got to the church.  I felt very tired, but I was excited to share with the jr. high students.  It was a little challenging for me as we showed up on day 4 of a 6 day camp and so it's very hard to connect with the kids when you just pop in and out.  They don't know who we are and frankly, they don't care.  They don't really want to know us when we just show up in the middle of what they've been doing.  I totally get that.  I tried to talk to a few girls, but they were clearly not interested.  Our program went well, but the kids seemed tired and very unresponsive.  We know not to judge the audience by their response as God is always working despite what we see.  After the program several accepted Christ and most of the audience when up front to rededicate and stand back up to love God and live for him.  It was amazing to join in a weeks worth of ministry and see God work in the lives of these kids.  A blessed last program.

When we were setting up our table we saw the band table that was next to us.  When I went over to see what things they had I saw this amazing coffee cup.  I didn't even know what to say.  In 18 years of traveling I've NEVER seen a band sell anything about pregnancy, let alone something that says, "I'm pregnant and I know it".  It was like God said,

"Here you are at your last program before the babe comes and there is no more denying My Word.  Your pregnant belly and the tiredness you feel is evidence that My Word spoken comes into being at My Kingdom time.  Just look at you! Look at what I've given you! JOY!!! Joy in the womb! Love in the womb! Hope in your womb! Promise in your womb! And this is just the beginning. I've shown myself to you over and over and I will continue to show not only you, but your son Who I am. This is so very good."

I just felt like God wanted me to know once again how much He loves me. He shows up in the most amazing ways. He is awesome. For real.

After this wonderful night, I was tired with bags hanging on my face and a sweaty body.  I knew I had to get up the next morning early and then drive to GR for shower #2! I was so excited to go, but so tired at the same time.  It made me nervous to know I was going into the weekend this way but I just prayed that God would protect me and give me the strength.

I woke up and had to go find a few gifts to give to the people that were helping with the shower.  Which btw is not the easiest thing to do I discovered. lol.  We got to Drew's mom's house and everything was already decorated.  She was - I don't even know the word to use.  If any of you have met drew's mom, she's one of the most incredible women I know.  There is no word to describe her energy level and love for living a fun filled life.  She is always blessing people with her joyous smile and attitude.  If I have ANY issue or problem I know she will immediately try to help me in any way she can.  I am overly blessed to have her and the rest of Drews family in my life.  So--she's a bit excited that after so long of waiting her son is having a son.  :)  And all of her friends and family are also excited.  It was so amazing to watch her and step-daughter have a literal dance party the night before the shower.  If I wasn't so busy recording and being tired I would've joined in.  They were so excited for the shower and were having so much fun!!!! I LOVED it and even drew's step-dad joined in singing and dancing for a bit.  Best memories.





I slept pretty good but woke about 4:30 as drew couldn't breathe very well.  He was having an allergic reaction and his soft pallet was swollen and causing him to have trouble breathing.  I've never seen drew freak out like this before.  He was pretty scared.  He eventually went to the hospital and they gave him meds and he was much better within hours. He wouldn't let me or anyone else go with him, so I laid down and text him and waited until he was feeling ok and then I went back to sleep for about an hour. SO thankful Drew was ok.  He got back and rested for a bit and then visited some friends for the afternoon.

I was exhausted, but got up and ready for the shower.  What an amazing time!
favors, old baby toys and food!
Drew's mom's doll was wearing the outfit drew wore on the way home from the hospital when he was born.  The yellow blanket was my baby blanket, the other was one that Granny made Drew.  love it. 
more favors, baby pics, drew's shoes and my tea set



Friends from my past! 





More people came than what we expected - what a blessing!  It was an open house so basically people could come whenever they wanted and I would talk to them for a bit and then open their gift before they left.  The decorations were a mix of my old baby stuff, Drew's old baby stuff and new clever ideas.  It was so beautiful and fun!  All of the salads were made by family and everything was delicious!  As you can see in the pics they did a lot!


I was SO excited and honored because both of drew's cousins came to the shower.  This was HUGE to me as I know it was a sacrifice for them to be there.  One cousin flew in from Oklahoma and the other had just got back from an amazing trip to Turkey!  It made for such a great day.


The amazing cousins Janine & Joni!







Sadly I forgot to get a picture with them.  But I did get one of them talking to drew.  :)


I did a lot of talking (which I loved haha) and not so much drinking water, which proved to be bad later. I didn't eat much either which honestly I wasn't that hungry.  (note to self: eat anyways)  After being overly blessed the party started winding down.  I started getting strange cramps in my right side and I figured it was because of feeling so tired.  We went through all the gifts and drew packed the car.  We started for home around 9. Drew had a canoe trip the next day so we had to go home that night.  As we drove the pain got a bit worse but I wasn't nervous.  I just didn't like the pain.  When I would stand the pain would go away.  That part was strange.  I called my dr. just to make sure things were ok, and she thought I was just dehydrated and tired (which was true) and I could stop at the hospital when we got closer to home and they would hook me up to monitors to check the baby etc.  But honestly, I felt like everything was ok and that I was just tired.  I text a close friend whose a doula and asked her opinion too.  She told me to drink as much water as I could and try to lay on the opposite side that hurt.  I did this and the pain started going away!  Then I fell asleep for about an hour and we were home.  I was feeling much better. And I was thankful for everyone who loves me.  And I feel thankful for God giving me a wise doctor who is available at 10pm and a wise friend who loves me.  And I'm thankful for God's Peace that He continues to give me.  He's so awesome.  

This week = 4 days of work with Thursday having an ultrasound!  SO EXCITED! I can't wait to see this little guy.  He's moving so much and I love him more than I could explain.  I hope we get pictures again.  We will see.  THEN, next weekend shower #3 with my family up north.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!  My sister will be there and lots of aunts and cousins.  It's going to be SO fun! And I'm for sure getting more sleep this week.  What an amazingly fun July!

Friday, July 05, 2013

Enjoying the ride

Have you ever been to the fair and ridden one of those rides where you have to sit in a cup looking thing and it goes in a circle while you try to turn the medal bar to make yourself go in an opposite circle?  I can't seem to remember the name of that ride, but it's one of drew's favorites.

I was thinking this morning about how much I love the Lord. I mean, if I could, I probably would quit my job and devote my life to reading, praying, singing, journaling and sitting in and around His presence.  I love to know more about Him.  I long to be with Him.  I wish so much that life could be as it should be and all would be well in the world.  I know this isn't totally possible yet, but it is where my heart longs to be.  I realized yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now.

One of my God-mama's told me to pray at the beginning of this pregnancy and ask God what my little one would have a craving for.  She said each of her pregnancies were different.  One of them she craved the Word and read it constantly.  That child is a thinker.  He loves Gods word and as an adult he loves knowledge and teaching.  Another of her children she had prophetic dreams and words a lot.  Now as an adult, that child has the same thing.  So I was praying, "God, what would you have for my child". I would read the bible with intent trying to make it into a craving.   I would sit and worship really wanting to be caught up in God's presence.  I would fall asleep asking for dreams that were connections between Heaven and Earth.  But sadly, I felt silence from Him.

Silence, but not absence.  There's a huge difference there.  I TOTALLY feel God in my life.  I see His favor.  I know His protection over me and sense His Joy covering me like the cloud in the dessert.  But no specifics. I've been praying about what to name the baby.....no answers, yet.  I've been mostly thanking God for another day of life and for keeping me healthy, for blessing us abundantly in this season.  I don't feel passion, which always bothers me.  I want to feel passionate about Him, His word, His voice, His smell, the way He teaches me and speaks to me in the deep place of my heart.  But in this season there isn't much of that. I call out to Him, not in needing anything but Him.  I just long to be in His goodness.  To not only feel that Love that He gives me daily, but to dance with Him, to teach my child even now that He is SO good and that God sits with him (my son) as well.  I keep praying that my son will remember him.  You see, he was just there, in that place...somewhere..with God.

Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb...I knew you.

Where is that place of before womb?  It's a question I've asked myself for a long time.  Long before I even wanted children I realized there was a special intimate place where God KNEW me before I was even formed.  Kinda blows my mind a bit.  But it's true.  He knew me..before...  My number one goal in life is to get back to that place.  The place of the known.  As my forming in the womb took place I'm sure I remembered Him.  But as the world and all that it offers started taking up space in my head and heart, I started to forget.  But every once in awhile something will happen and God will remind me, there was a time.....

I want my son to remember.  I don't want him to forget about that time with God.  The time before.  That is my #1 prayer for him.  All other things fall into place when we remember.

Contentment is a strange thing. Some seasons God just has you wake up, go to work, grow a baby, come home, and thank Him for it.  No drama, no striving, just contentment.  And fun. And peace.

There is a sweet spot in that ride I was talking about that drew loves.  If you push hard enough and long enough and everyone leans into one another the car starts to swirl and it continues to swirl for several trips around.  That's the goal of the ride.  To find the sweet spot.  I think in my life, I'm in the sweet spot.  It's fun, and it feels strange because even though the world is still going on around me, I'm on the ride. Closing my eyes, leaning, spinning, singing and enjoy the moment.



Monday, July 01, 2013

It's my birthday?

I love my birthday. So much!  Every year I look forward to enjoying a day of doing whatever I want including drinking Carmel Macchiato's, eating banana splits and just having fun.  However, this year I totally forgot it was my birthday.  Last week I remembered for a minute and then told Drew I really didn't want anything. (so he got me a bag full of gifts, just like him ;)  ) It has been a strange feeling not thinking about my birthday.  But not strange bad because I really have been thinking about the baby.  He's moving so much and I've just been trying to take care of him.

We had our first baby shower this weekend.  It was super fun but a few glitches.

I discovered last week that some of my invites didn't get sent (because they were on my table - UGH) and some of the evites had the wrong emails.  I didn't think to check them until Saturday and then of course it was too late.  I really feel frustrated because it's like my brain doesn't work the same anymore.  People would always say pregnancy makes your brain go away, but I really didn't think that was true.  I'm starting to believe it.  Once I discovered there were people who didn't get invites, I was so sad and it made for a very emotional Saturday. I woke up and Drew asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears.  I wasn't even sure why I was feeling so sad, but I think I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated.  Overwhelmed because I was about to have my first baby shower (the next day) and I never thought I would have a baby shower.  I don't even like baby showers.  I'm not really a baby lover.  I gotta be honest, they are cute, but they are scary! They are little and they poop and sleep and cry.  And did I mention they are little? And that I will be responsible for a little human being? And we have to pick a name for him still?  That is some scary stuff! I also started missing my mom and wishing she was here. I was so upset about a few of my closest friends not getting the invite and me not being able to do anything about it.  sigh...I was hormonal.

That night some of my favorite people, the Bystrom Family, came to stay the night for the next day party.  I was so thankful.  They have a way of making me smile, laugh and feel good about life.  It was a blessing in so many ways to have them here.  The next day we all got up and Drew made yummy french toast.  Then we went over and got ready for the shower.  I tried to block out those of my friends that didn't get the invite and just enjoy the day.

And it was a beautiful day! We were so blessed by the love from friends and family that 'showered' us with beautiful gifts.  It was strange opening up gifts of onesies and diapers.  I kept thinking, "what am I going to do with this stuff?".  And then I would think, oh yeah, we are having a baby.  I sort of still felt in shock about this baby thing I think.

I sit here tonight on my 41st birthday after a day of work feeling so tired and happy, looking at all of these amazing baby gifts that people have given us.  I will go through them again this week.  I was going to do it tonight, but I'm so tired. I'm excited for this week though.  Wednesday I get to have dinner with several of my best friends, Thursday Drew and I are going to Stratford Canada for our "babymoon" and to celebrate my birthday.  We are only going for the night which is going to be perfect.  We will be home for the weekend which will be so nice to just chill together on a part stay-cation.

I also had a baby appt today.  We are up to 2 week visits.  All was good. :)  She said I look good and everything is going perfect.  I'm SO thankful.  2 weeks and we get an ultrasound.  My dr does a 3rd trimester ultrasound just to check the size of the baby.  I'm SO excited to see that sweet face again. God is so good.

Here are a few pics from Shower #1!