Christmas time is here.....

2013 Christmas is HERE!!!!  and boy did it come quickly.

Before we talk about that...there's a special Happy Day I wish to wish to my lovely husband.  Drew is awesome.  I can't explain how much I love this man that God has given me.  We celebrated 16 years (to which he reminded me the years cuz I can't remember anything anymore) a few days ago and I'm so thankful.  He takes care of Asher and I, he works several jobs that he actually loves and is always asking me if I need help or if I'm ok.  I'm so thankful to live this wonderful, crazy life with the man who made me a Smith.

AH....CHRISTMAS!!!!

We are celebrating our Christmas at my sisters house this year.  I haven't been here since last year January shortly after we found out we were pregnant.  When we were visiting I started bleeding and I was 5 hours from home and feeling nervous about the possibilities of miscarrying.  11 months later I sit here with my teething baby filled with joy, hope and love.  God is so good.

I know every year is different.  I know not all years are happy and filled with God's wonder.  I know it's not this happy for lots of people.  And I know we will continue to have our ups and downs. But this year, for us, we are living in a hopeful believing world filled with carmel corn and giggles and we are loving it.

I do wish the rest of my family was with us. I hate celebrating holidays without my brothers & Aiko. :(
Things in life are good.  It seems the holidays came so fast and before I knew it I was back to work. Asher is in daycare, and it's not easy, but it's ok.  The first week was horrible.  It's been stressful for me a little because Asher wont eat from a bottle yet.  I just can't get him to like it.  He goes to daycare close to where I work so I go feed him twice a day.  I don't mind as I like seeing him, but it does take away from work, and I'm not sure how long I will be allowed to do it.  So we keep trying and praying. Asher is irresistibly cute and so it's hard to force him to do anything.  I mean, he's on a schedule, but he's such an easy going baby the only time he cries is when he's really tired or when he wakes up hungry.  (which is only in the morning) Although lately he's been teething and so that is a new world of pain that we are both trying to figure out.  Did I mention how cute he is? Oh. My. Word.

So I have a week off for the holidays and Drew and I are spending the first part with my sisters family and the second with Drew's family.  We hope to see my little bro one day too.  I'm thankful for the holidays, but I always look forward to that time when Christmas is over and New Years has past and we are now just in the boring winter months.  Although they seem long once March gets here, I do like the slower pace of life.  I always try to organize and regroup for the new year.  I feel this year has been about learning so many new things.  So many experiences I never thought I would have.  So many products I never thought I would use. Wisdom I only heard about from friends. Such an interesting year.  I know I will continue to learn new things as Asher grows and I learn what it means to be a mom and a wife in a new way.  I don't always feel like I'm doing the best, but other moms tell me that's my new normal and that I'm doing a great job.  I've learned about the mom guilt and how bad I feel when I forget something with Asher.  I worry that he's not getting enough sleep, or food, or play time. I worry that I don't know what to do when he's sick or when he's sad.  I know I just take each day as it comes, but it's a constant struggle to not think about it or be obsessed by it. I've also realized that I don't want to live in regret or guilt. I don't believe that's the way it's supposed to be.  Was that part of Eve's curse?  Did she live in guilt her whole life and pass it on to all mothers for the rest of time?  Maybe so, but I also believe Jesus died so I didn't have to live in that curse anymore.  So, I am trying to train myself at an early stage to not hold on to guilt.  If any of you know the secret let me know. :)

Well, it's 11:46pm and Santa is about to arrive.  Then I can go to bed as I'm a bit tired.  We've already spread the reindeer food, placed Santa's cookies and watched for Santa on the Santa cam.  Now, we play Santa and put out the gifts.  I'm excited to see how Asher feels tomorrow.  But I also know he will basically think it's a normal day.  Cuz every day in Asher's World is amazing! He wakes up happy, gets food, gets love, gets smiles, gets clean diapers and fun toys.  Asher's World is an amazing place to live.  I pray it's always like that for him. Well, at least as long as we can keep it that way as we know these things don't last forever.  But tomorrow we celebrate!

Merry Christmas everyone!


ps...in my new normal fashion all things are late.  Here are a few Christmas photos as well!
pps: I'm posting an Asher Blog too.  He has a few things to say...http://asherharrissmith.blogspot.com/

Jayna!

Levi!

merry christmas baby!

part of the family...max didn't want to smile :)

reindeer food

 

AMAZING gift painted by Aiko!  

scarf by Kari

Present Time!

Gingerbread houses - family tradition!

And to all a good night!

This is a test

So...I'm sitting in a chair rocking Asher back to sleep as he's not the best sleeper. He wrestles in my arms now and yawns. He's a good sleeper. A horrible napper. So I thought I would see if I can post while rocking. So far so good.... 

Many lessons

Traveling with friends over the past 18 years has taught me a lot.  Traveling with their kids has taught me even more. I knew that having Asher I would learn so many things, but there are things that we know that we just forget until we are in the situation again.

Yesterday I was meeting a friend at 1pm.  I knew getting Asher ready, feeding, clothes, diapers etc. would take time so I gave myself plenty of time to get him ready.  I fed him with plenty of time.  I put on new clothes as we were going in public.  (can't stay in our jammies forever) Then I changed his diaper.  This all is normal.  Then he pooped.  Again, has happened before..annoying, but normal.  I got him all ready and...pooped again.  UGH...ok. ok....changed him again.  Got everything I needed, keys, diaper bag, baby, water and then I was out to the car.  Then Asher starts screaming.  For no apparent reason he's just upset.  I don't know why.  He loves being outside. I held him for a minute and he puked.  Then I put him in his car seat and he screamed louder.  Then I took him out and took off his cute little jacket thinking he might be too warm.  Then he puked all down the front of me.  White, curdled milk.  Yes, curdled.  Yes, little pieces of my breast milk sticking all over me, the car and Asher.  And yes, he's still crying.  I wiped us all down, and decided we are now late (15 min late) and I guess I will just put him in his seat and go. So I did.  I put him in the seat and as soon as I started driving (I mean, 10 seconds after we started) he stopped crying and fell asleep.

sigh..wow.

I realized sometimes in life when things seems so out of control and you try everything you know to fix it and it still is spinning, there are times you just have to make the decision to move forward.  And sometimes if you can just make that decision God shows up and brings Peace to your chaotic world in just a matter of seconds.  Mostly because you didn't give up, you just kept going.  He's so honoring. So even though life may seem hard at times or if we are going through a season that seems to never end, the best thing to do is turn the key, put it in drive and move forward.


I went to the store yesterday looking for jeans.  My after baby body is pretty awkward right now and it's messing with my mind and self esteem.  This weekend we have a onetimeblind program (thus the reason for looking for clothes that fit) in Indiana . I asked Drew who agreed to this show one month after having a baby and he told me I did.  Hmmm...I don't recall....but I know he's probably right.  It's true about pregnant women being out of their minds most of the time.  It's also true that I don't remember 1/2 of what goes on in my life.  But if I would've known the crazy intense pain of childbirth and the challenges of taking care of a newborn, I would've canceled all onetimeblind things for the rest of the year!  But - God calls us, so we are going.  Then I realized my body image was the least of my worries.  What to do with Asher?!?!?!

While traveling over the years I have watched Laura give birth to 4 babies.  I have watch her as she's come back on the road after 1 month and marched on stage to do drama at conferences across the country.  And do it 3 times a week as we traveled full time back then.  There were several times that we had a nanny to watch the baby, but there were several times that we did not.  I watched Laura as she would hand her new born baby to a stranger after asking the sponsor if there was a grandmother figure that he trusted that could watch her baby while we were on stage.  Just thinking about her doing this puts a lump in my throat.  Feeling like I'm expected to do the same makes me want to die inside. Asher sleeps next to our bed. A friend came and stayed with us once and she watched him in the other room one night so I could sleep.  That was hard for me although the sleep was life changing. I like to have him close to me.  I like to see him breathing.  I like to hear him squirm a bit.  I like to have him close.  Laura is my hero.  To have faith and trust God enough to hand her little one to someone because she has to go onstage to do drama is beyond my ability to trust.  And so this past week I've wrestled with my trust level with God.

I read up on the story where God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.  God gave Abraham a command.  Abraham didn't question him, he just gathered wood, made Isaac carry it and then in a far off place took the rope they had and bound his own son that God had promised him.  And Isaac let him.  Abraham actually lifted the knife to kill his promised son.  Nope, can't imagine.  How could he do this?  God's new command totally negates the earlier promises he had made to Abraham.  If I was Abraham, that fact alone would make me think it wasn't God speaking to me.  I would want a HUGE sign.  Clearly God can do big signs so he could've done that for Abraham.  But Abraham just trusted him.  WHY?!?!?!?

The scripture tells us it's because he knew God was big.  He understood his ability to redeem things. He knew his story wasn't over and that no matter what God said to do, He is true to His Word and would make all things work together for his glory and to the glory and outcome of Abrahams life.  Abraham knew God could raise Isaac from the dead.

That's trust.

I'm praying for even a tiny bit of trust like that with the Lord.  I didn't realize I was going to have to learn to let my baby go so early.  I thought I would have to let him go when he turns 18 and goes to college, or maybe even when he first rides his bike to the store or something like that.  But to let him go at 3 weeks? Yeah, I guess I have to always keep in mind that he is Kingdom property.  He doesn't belong to me anyway.  I'm so thankful to watch over him, but God has a plan for this kid.  I am involved in it but I am not the plan.

God in all his love and understanding randomly had a friend of mine text me to see if we needed help for this onetimeblind program.  So now we have someone we trust going to watch Asher.  I'm so thankful God loves me. I'm thankful He knows my limits and walks with me in them.  I love that He is patient and kind to me.  And I'm praying this weekend will be filled with joy and God's presence as we minister to Jr. High students.

So many lessons to learn in this new season.  I'm sure this is just the beginning.

Asher Harris Arrives!

I'm here and surviving!  Sigh...these past few weeks have been like living in a dream.  Not like trip to Hawaii dream, but dream like, 'is this my life?' kinda dream.  I'm learning new norms.  

I've created a new blog called Ashers World so I can blog just about him there and keep this one for other subjects as well.  If you would like to read and keep up on Asher here's the blog address for him:  

http://asherharrissmith.blogspot.com/

The New Norm

It's 10:30 and if I was at work I would be drinking water, working and waiting 30 more minutes for my apple break.  I would be reminding myself that I need to get up and walk around because my feet are swollen and circulation is good for the baby and for my body.  I would be laughing and listening with co-workers about what's going on in our lives.  We would be living it out together in a way.  Our lunch hour was 1pm.  We would be done working most days by 4pm.  Drew and I would either grab dinner or go home for dinner and then rest and enjoy the evening together.  This was the old norm.  It's strange how your life literally can change in just a few days or less.  I know this well from other events in my life, but Asher's birth has once again reminded me that we are now entering a new norm. 

My life now consists of praying that I'm doing the right things so I don't mess up this LIFE that has been given to us.  I'm on an every 2 hour norm.  Feed, Wake, Sleep.  That's the goal.  I'm entering the world of late night parties with wide eyed baby, wet everything (my clothes, his clothes, burp cloths, furniture, pants etc) one priority, fast showers, dr. appts, messiness and the most amazing little boy I could imagine.  Yes, I know things will get better with time and as I figure out this new norm it will become..well...normal.  It's just so strange to be a part of this world and know that so many have gone before me and understand this transition so well.  The strange thing is even though I'm wet and tired and wish I could be sleeping instead of feeding in the middle of the night, it's in the middle of the night that he is so cute to me.  I look down and little Asher is staring at me with those cute little eyes and it makes everything else fade away.  In that one moment I would do it all over again.  I've complained about how horrible childbirth is (you can read that in Ashers blog) but when it's 3am and all you want to do is crawl back in bed with your husband where it's warm and sleepy, and then you look down and see that you are giving food/life to your most precious gift as he looks right at you...oh man...all of it was worth it.  He is the most amazing thing that I could ever imagine.  

So now we move forward.  Drew tells me I can't stay in my jammies all day anymore so I will be showering after the next feeding and heading to the grocery store to get a few groceries. Although we haven't needed much food as our friends have been supplying us with food for weeks now. We are so blessed!  

My new norm is starting to cry so that means its time for feeding, burping, changing, showering, shopping...and...repeat.

Until my next free moment.................

This is a special week!

Hello September!

I hope everyone is doing well with school starting.  In Michigan public schools start tomorrow.  I remember being a kid the night before school started.  I hated going to bed at 8 and it still being light outside.  I was always so nervous about the next day and if I would have friends in my classes.  I didn't feel like I had that many friends so I was always scared about it. So blessings to all the kiddos out there and I hope they have an amazing nights sleep, and many friends in class.  :)

Its been a great weekend.  I really haven't done much but hang at home...and wait.  This part of the pregnancy is a bit strange as we don't know when this little guy is gonna come out!  A lot of people guessed that he would be here by now, but nope.  Sorry Laura (31st) and Joni (1st) I really thought one of you would "win"  but Happy Birthday anyway!!!

We had an interesting appointment last Thursday.  We got to have our last ultrasound!  I can't believe we are in our 39th week.  And they told me this would never happen.  Less than 3% chance of conceiving.  Watch out for pre-term labor.  Because of my age we could have complications.  But here we are, perfect baby, great pregnancy and BLESSED!  THANK GOD!  He has been so faithful to us! We have a lot of work ahead of us, but we are excited!!  The ultrasound went well.  Everything looks great!  He's doing well and is EIGHT POUNDS!!!!  I cried, not because he's big (haha) but it was just so wonderful to see his face again and his strong heart beat.  His hand was in front of his mouth this time and I think he was sucking his fingers.  :)  I believe my doctor felt bad for me as my feet were huge and I looked (and was) very tired.  She checked me and said I was 60% effaced and 0% dilated.  But she said that could all change by the end of the day, which it didn't.  She said she would probably think about inducing the following friday or monday.  So Sept 6th (day before due date) or Sept 9th (2 days after).  I said ok but I really believed I was going to have the baby in August.  I went to work and before I left for the day I made sure everything was in order thinking this could be it for me!  But here we are on Labor Day and I'm not laboring.  (Which I'm actually thankful for because that was a bit cliche for me)

I have been praying and asking God to lead our doctor to the right decisions etc.  I trust God and so I will trust His leading and the doctors that are helping and guiding us.  Drew was excited about us being induced close to our due date.  He told me about a week ago that he thought we would have him on our due date.  ( I was NOT happy as I wanted him in August and Drew is usually right about these things) He then told me the Jewish New Year was that day and it would be awesome if our baby was born that day.  I had to agree.  After our appointment he was excited knowing we could have him at that time if we were induced. We went to work and he realized as he looked it up again that this year the Jewish New Year started Wednesday at sundown and went until Friday at dawn.  He said we would just pray and know that God would bring our son at the perfect Kingdom time.  His birthday will be the perfect day.

Literally 5 minutes later I got a call from my nurse who told me we were scheduled to arrive at the hospital Wednesday evening for a Thursday morning induction!  I was so confused because my doctor hadn't mentioned that it would possibly be earlier. That was less than a week away! And of course it fell right on the Jewish New Year.  Again, I want things to happen naturally and I'm still praying for that.  God is awesome and can do anything.  I believe He can make my body start labor that same day. But the timing of things seemed so crazy!  For anyone interested, here is a link about the New Year.

Click here for Jewish New Year Info

A few things about that day:

Rosh haShanah, in Jewish legend, is the anniversary of the day on which God created humans and animals—the beginning of the world.3 God creates humanity out of the dust of the earth, and out of God’s own spirit.4 Of humans, it says that “God created the human in God’s own image, in the image of God God created the human, male and female God created them.” Adam and Eve are born on Rosh Hashanah, as is the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden. The first of the year falls on a day that reminds us that the Divine is within us and all beings. We blow the shofar, the ram’s horn, to signal the thunderous impact of this Presence on our lives, and we engage in memory—considering all that we have done during the year, seeking to make right where we have erred, seeking to become whole where we have been in turmoil, seeking to make ourselves new. It is a time of conception in all its forms. 

Rosh haShanah is the day, according to midrash (Jewish creative interpretation), that God intervened in the wombs of the matriarchs Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah and made them pregnant.6 On Rosh haShanah, we read the stories of Sarah, Hannah, and Rachel7 to remind us of the hope for new life. There is a legend that Sarah, the mother of the Jewish people, herself was born on this day. We also read the story of the Akedah, the binding of Isaac, when Isaac is nearly sacrificed by his father Abraham, to let us know that this time of year also signals radical change—a part of us must die in order to be reborn.

Regardless of when our baby arrives, the Jewish New Year is pretty awesome.  I love the idea that this week they/we are commissioned to make a "radical change" in our lives and that a part of us must die in order to be reborn.  I pray more of God and less of me.  That I can and will lay down myself so God can do a great work. I'm thankful for the changes God is bringing to our lives. With Him all things come into agreement, and God's kingdom comes to life.  It's exciting and scary but so so good.

So, all of that to say we don't know what's going to happen this week!  We know our little man is going to arrive and we are praying for God to be present.  I remember one of the first women that I knew that had a baby told me she sang her baby into the world.   Her delivery was peaceful and joyful. I'm praying for that.  :)

So we ask you to join us in prayer this week for a safe and quick delivery no matter what day he arrives.  We will be updating our blog and maybe facebook but we are still trying to be respectful to our friends that are still in the waiting place for their family too.  Waiting sucks.  It just does.  But knowing God is with us, knowing He has a plan, and our story isn't over makes it bearable. And sometimes even enjoyable.

Born in September, baby Smith.  We are also still waiting for a name.  God will provide in His time!

Exciting things just a few days away!!!!!

Day 263

I've been pregnant for 263 days.  So strange! Not that long ago I thought it was never possible and now I'm packing a bag getting ready to go to the hospital any day.  God is so good. 

I can't express what God has been doing and the ways He's been blessing us.

Since my last post we've had 2 surprise showers.  Yes, 2! (Yes, if you're counting that makes 6 showers! and I didn't even want 1...haha) We have been blown away by our friends that are walking this journey with us.  It is so humbling and we stand in awe of God's love and the love of our friends. The feeling of this love is very hard to explain.

Here are a few pics from the showers.

The first was a shower thrown by our friends at work.  We were called to a department meeting and when we walked in everyone yelled, "Surprise!". We were shocked.  Our entire department and those around us chipped in and got us our baby monitor and a wagon full of goodies.  Many of the instructors were there as well and blessed us with so many special gifts.

 

We thought we were done with showers at that point, but Ryan and Laura put together a card/gift shower from our friends we met on the road and those that live far away.  We've met so many people that are like family to us through the years of ministry.  Many of them walked this infertility walk with us and I love that we are able to celebrate together!  The Macs sent them all a facebook message asking if they would like to send gifts, cards, books etc. for a virtual shower we would walk into.  We thought we were getting together with a few of our dear friends Darryl and Montina (and we did!) but when we walked in we also were greeted by our great friend and mentor Rob McClelland, his mother and brother who worked out their schedule so they could be at the party.  Rob and his family just moved to Colorado and he wasn't even there 1 day before he got on a plane to come to Michigan.  I don't understand that kind of friendship.  That is so crazy! I screamed from excitement and it was an awesome night hanging out and opening gift after gift from our friends across the country.  They are all so special to us and we so wish we could hug them all!  Here are a few pics....

all gifts we got in the mail!

The theme :)

Rob and family

I've been feeling pretty good. We cleared our August schedule on purpose not really knowing where we would be in this stage of pregnancy.  I've been very busy writing thank you cards, organizing, cleaning (kinda), taking baby classes, doing hospital tours and finishing up the nursery. I'm not done yet putting the nursery together.  I know lots of people are asking for pics but we have a few things left to do.  Here are a few sneak peeks though...

hospital bag for baby smith

drew on the left, me on the right

Special bunny from Instructor. She knitted it! 

slowly coming together

Our amazing neighbor Molly came over one night and took one look at our wall and decided we needed a picture that she had.  She literally took the picture off her wall and put it on ours.  She said our baby needed this picture to remind us that God is watching over him.  The pics I took are bad, but it's the best I could do with our lighting etc.

We had our weekly appointment today.  Nothing has changed as far as my body.  I'm still waiting although she said that could all change in a day, but for now the baby is still cooking.  The appointment was a good one, she took lots of time to talk to us and answer every question.  I like that she believes our body should be the one to determine when and how we go into labor.  She said she doesn't like to do C-sections unless it really is an emergency. But the final goal is happy healthy baby, happy healthy mama.  I like that.  :)  Our next appointment is next Thursday and we get an ultrasound to measure the weight of the babe.  I'm gonna guess that he's closer to 7lbs now.  It feels like it at least, but we will see! Can't wait to see his face again!

Tomorrow we are doing a tour of the hospital where we will deliver.  That should be fun.  At least we will know where to go and what to expect.  I guess we are getting as prepared as we can.  It is hard to imagine not having this big belly with a little guy bumping and poking me. When we get this close it's hard because it's just a waiting game and I could have 2 more weeks so I'm glad to have a few things on my schedule to help the time go by.  And work of course.

I was feeling a bit discouraged Sunday because I always thought my pregnancy would bring me super close to God and He would be speaking to me and I would be having amazing dreams etc.  but to be honest, none of that has happened.  When we first found out treatments worked I had a very special time with God and He told me things were going to change and I was moving into a nurturing time. He would be with me but things would be different.  I would have Peace, His Peace, and that's what I've felt this whole time.  I'm not a "Peace" person.  I'm a "lets get things done and move forward and have energy" etc person.  But I really think God wants this baby to be a son of Peace.  That's what I've felt this whole time and I'm so thankful.  Although different for me, it's ok.  I know God is with us, covering us.  He is good.  His blessings never end.

I'm off to bed now.  I sleep with a pillow under my belly to balance things out and I usually wake a few times a night. They say that's my body getting ready for when the baby is here.  Whatever it is, it makes me a tad bit tired in the morning.

Drew is working on his grad work. He has a huge paper due tomorrow so he's spent the night locked up reading and writing.  Although he's loving it, it's a lot on his plate.  He's amazing.  He's working full time, doing grad school (Getting all A's!) and taking care of me.  He really is one of the best men I know.  I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

Not long now......

35 weeks, August 1st and 70's

I would love to tell all of my summer loving friends that I'm sorry the weather has been so cold in Michigan the last few weeks, but I really think it's a gift from God helping me not be completely bloated!  Although, I am bloated a bit, I think it would be a million times worse.

So much has happened in the last few weeks! I had 2 more showers which brings my shower experience to a close.  Now for the task of thank you card writing, putting things away and resting.  My lovely cousins, sister and aunt threw me a shower for my family and a few friends.  It was awesome.  It was fun just being with everyone, but they all spoiled me the whole weekend.  I even got to take a bath in an amazing bathtub where my belly was actually covered. sigh...it's the little things!  I'm so thankful!  We were showered with so many gifts, love and advice.  I love my family and friends. Here are a few pics from that shower. (waiting to scan the rest of the actual shower!)

During the weeks we were blessed by far away friends that send us gifts through the mail.  We weren't expecting any of them and we felt so blessed to have friends that we don't see often loving us and sharing in this miracle.  God is so good and we are humbled.


Our last shower was thrown by some of my favorite people at my church.  WOW! I can't believe the people that came to celebrate with us!  It seemed like the presents wouldn't stop coming!  This baby is so loved and spoiled already!  It is amazing to know that just a few short years ago God brought Drew and I to this church to heal and find ourselves again.  We were going through a hard time, and in the midst of healing our hearts many had dreams, visions and words from The Lord that told us we would have children. Even in the struggle of waiting and giving up the dream, many of them still believed and had faith for us.  And here we are...watching it happen.  Unbelievable.  I don't even know the words to say as I think about all we've been through and how these people, our family, have and continue to bless and love us.

As we get closer to the due date I feel more tired.  Over all I've felt great!  I can feel the baby moving a lot and his head moving into place which is a strange and scary feeling!  I really need to be more active, but we've been so busy the past few weeks when we DO have any down time I'm sleeping.  Which I guess isn't all bad, but I want to not look as bloated as I do.  Its frustrating! But I'm thankful for our healthy baby!

We had an appointment last Wednesday and they "checked" me to make sure my cervix was not opening.  Which would be bad at this point because Drew is in California for 5 days for grad school. :)  But after "checking" (which I quickly learned is NOT a fun thing to endure) we are in the clear.  She did say she felt the babies head which kinda creeped me out a bit.  haha.  We are now on a weekly appointment schedule.  And a weekly "checking" schedule.  SO strange! The baby's heartbeat is right on track as well as my measurements.  She said we will probably get one more ultrasound as the due date gets closer.   I don't feel ready but not sure what I need to do to GET ready.  Maybe I will never feel ready.  I guess that might be normal.  Just small details to make sure things are good.  Insurance, clothes for the baby,  maybe think of getting a bag for me ready soon?  Idk.  Sounds so strange, but I know I wont want to think about that stuff when I'm FREAKING OUT because the baby is coming.  It's just so hard to believe!  I'm having a baby!

This season has been so good. I'm getting ready for the start of the next.  Drew's mom came and helped us get the nursery ready.  It's not totally set up yet, but we are working on it!  This weekend I have my 2 nephews and my niece staying with me.  We are trying to do some fun things but it's a bit challenging as I can only do so much and go so far.  They are pretty easy kids though and don't mind just hanging out which is nice.  We've done a few fun things and hope to try a few more.  I have a history of my "fun things" not really working out with them though.  sigh.. at least I try!  They are awesome kids though, it's always great to spend time with them.  Even if I'm watching Veggie Tales for the 50th time.  ;)

I for sure feel like I'm living in a dream bubble.  Every day this little guy reminds me that he's getting bigger.  As I feel his hiccups and squirms I'm realizing I don't have much time left with these feelings, so I'm trying to enjoy them every day. Even the sleepless nights with hurting hips.  I know it will all be over soon and then he will be here changing our lives.

I currently have one nephew sleeping, one bouncing a punch ball and my niece watching a cartoon.  I supposed I should get up and do something productive.  I think they might be getting restless.  :)  Until next week!

you would love this

Dear mom,

I know it's strange for me to write since I believe you know all of the things happening in my life, but today I just can't get you off my mind. I miss you.  My amazing mother in law came this weekend to help us put together the nursery.  I know you would've wanted to help with that too, but let's be honest, we would've had way more fun just dreaming about the nursery then actually putting it together. :)

As I sit here tonight missing you I looked at the almost finished nursery and started crying.  Besides wishing that you were here to celebrate with us, it's hard to see all of the amazing gifts I've been given and realize they are for a child that is in my womb.  One that will soon be arriving and then come home with me to live...forever.  Well, at least till he's 18ish.  But he will always be God's and he will always be mine.  From the moment he was released from Heaven he was a part of my heart.  I kinda feel like God let you meet him already.  Maybe you sent a kiss for me through him.  I hope he laughs like you.  I hope I can make his childhood fun like you made mine.  I know things weren't perfect, but despite a challenging upbringing the most memories I have are good.  That was because you made them that way.  We never seemed to go anywhere, but we always had fun with what God gave us.

I don't remember if I had a nursery.  I've seen no pictures and if I had to guess I would say I didn't.  And that's ok, I know I was loved.  No nursery is required.

The baby is hiccuping right now.  I can feel him moving to the rhythm of the beat.  He squirms a bit.  He's kind of a squirmer.  He was that way even when he was 9 weeks old!  It's a miracle that I can even know that but his ultrasound showed his newly formed leg kicking. Even my Dr. was amazed.  This baby has greatness in him.  He has God in him giving him strength and life.  He is destined to do amazing things for the Lord.

And he's so cute.  It's amazing how I can fall in love with someone I've never met.  He is the closest he will ever be to my heart.  Just sitting a few inches below it, sharing my blood, my food, my emotion, my spirit in a way.  I wish you were here to see my morphing body.  When I see myself in the mirror I stop every time and just stare.  I look so....not like me.  It's like I'm looking into a dream that I had years ago and I can't get my head to believe that this is ME. But it IS me.  This miracle in my womb.  I make myself another spinach smoothie to give nutrients to this baby that I know, has to be mine.  It's real, but not real.  But tonight, looking at the nursery room, this seems to really be happening.

Even though you've been a grandma 7 times now, it's strange to think of you as being a grandma to my baby. (grand baby #8!)  I know you would love all of the kiddos the same.  They are all amazing.  Even the ones we don't see very often.  I know you would've made the baby something special. I know you would've loved to have gone to all the showers and just been so excited.  The family shower was fun.  All of your siblings were so generous to us.  I'm so thankful to have them all in my life.  And the shower was beautiful of course.

I wish you could come to tomorrows shower.  So many people that I love and that have supported me the last few years will be there.   This group of ladies have become like a second family to me.  They have prayed over us, fed us, given us gifts, had dreams of our baby, encouraged us and just loved us unconditionally as we were in our waiting field. And now we celebrate!  I could never express how thankful I am to the group that will be there tomorrow.  I pray God will show me mercy and I will remember all their names as I've been struggling with that lately even with super close friends.

I'm sorry that you had to leave here 22 years ago today.  But I know you are in the BEST place possible.  Life moves forward as it must.  You are never forgotten or overlooked in my heart.  My kids will know you.  We will tell your stories and talk about your heart for people.  I will teach them to have that heart as Drew has it too.   It's in our heritage.  I'm so thankful.

I pray that we also have dad's heart of fun.  I think that's probably why you both fell in love.  Many times I remember laughing at you and dad. He was silly at times and a good sport when we would tease him about stuff.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. It's been a long day and as memories come and hormones rise it's only going to get harder to get rest.  Another big day tomorrow. I need to sleep and rest up.  I'm excited to spend time with friends and family.  And to go to church since I haven't been able to go in over a month.  God is so good to me.  Overly blessed.

I'm thankful that you loved me.  I'm thankful to be your daughter.  I'm thankful to be in love with an amazing man and to have his son.  He's moving all around now trying to find room to stretch.  Running out of room quickly but that doesn't stop him from trying. I love it.

I wish that you didn't have to leave so soon, but I'm thankful to have God who works out all good things for those that love Him.  He has and continues to work out good things. Very good things.  He's given me not just one, but several second mothers.  Never to replace you, but always to enhance and bring joy, wisdom and love to my life in ways that you no longer can. But all of that is ok.  Because God loves me that much.  And I know that's what you would want.  You might even have had some sort of say in it all. That wouldn't surprise me one bit.  haha.

Ok, good night, sweet dreams.  I miss you terribly.  I love you more than words.

your daughter ~

kathlene

baggy eyes, bounty & blessing

What a week!

I started the week hoping for they next day's night to come so I could go to bed early and catch up on sleep, but it seemed for whatever reason everyday there was something else to keep me up late.  This brought me to Thursday when we left early to drive to Lansing for our last onetimeblind program before we have the baby.  I didn't really think about it until I got to the church.  I felt very tired, but I was excited to share with the jr. high students.  It was a little challenging for me as we showed up on day 4 of a 6 day camp and so it's very hard to connect with the kids when you just pop in and out.  They don't know who we are and frankly, they don't care.  They don't really want to know us when we just show up in the middle of what they've been doing.  I totally get that.  I tried to talk to a few girls, but they were clearly not interested.  Our program went well, but the kids seemed tired and very unresponsive.  We know not to judge the audience by their response as God is always working despite what we see.  After the program several accepted Christ and most of the audience when up front to rededicate and stand back up to love God and live for him.  It was amazing to join in a weeks worth of ministry and see God work in the lives of these kids.  A blessed last program.

When we were setting up our table we saw the band table that was next to us.  When I went over to see what things they had I saw this amazing coffee cup.  I didn't even know what to say.  In 18 years of traveling I've NEVER seen a band sell anything about pregnancy, let alone something that says, "I'm pregnant and I know it".  It was like God said,

"Here you are at your last program before the babe comes and there is no more denying My Word.  Your pregnant belly and the tiredness you feel is evidence that My Word spoken comes into being at My Kingdom time.  Just look at you! Look at what I've given you! JOY!!! Joy in the womb! Love in the womb! Hope in your womb! Promise in your womb! And this is just the beginning. I've shown myself to you over and over and I will continue to show not only you, but your son Who I am. This is so very good."

I just felt like God wanted me to know once again how much He loves me. He shows up in the most amazing ways. He is awesome. For real.

After this wonderful night, I was tired with bags hanging on my face and a sweaty body.  I knew I had to get up the next morning early and then drive to GR for shower #2! I was so excited to go, but so tired at the same time.  It made me nervous to know I was going into the weekend this way but I just prayed that God would protect me and give me the strength.

I woke up and had to go find a few gifts to give to the people that were helping with the shower.  Which btw is not the easiest thing to do I discovered. lol.  We got to Drew's mom's house and everything was already decorated.  She was - I don't even know the word to use.  If any of you have met drew's mom, she's one of the most incredible women I know.  There is no word to describe her energy level and love for living a fun filled life.  She is always blessing people with her joyous smile and attitude.  If I have ANY issue or problem I know she will immediately try to help me in any way she can.  I am overly blessed to have her and the rest of Drews family in my life.  So--she's a bit excited that after so long of waiting her son is having a son.  :)  And all of her friends and family are also excited.  It was so amazing to watch her and step-daughter have a literal dance party the night before the shower.  If I wasn't so busy recording and being tired I would've joined in.  They were so excited for the shower and were having so much fun!!!! I LOVED it and even drew's step-dad joined in singing and dancing for a bit.  Best memories.

I slept pretty good but woke about 4:30 as drew couldn't breathe very well.  He was having an allergic reaction and his soft pallet was swollen and causing him to have trouble breathing.  I've never seen drew freak out like this before.  He was pretty scared.  He eventually went to the hospital and they gave him meds and he was much better within hours. He wouldn't let me or anyone else go with him, so I laid down and text him and waited until he was feeling ok and then I went back to sleep for about an hour. SO thankful Drew was ok.  He got back and rested for a bit and then visited some friends for the afternoon.

I was exhausted, but got up and ready for the shower.  What an amazing time!

favors, old baby toys and food!

Drew's mom's doll was wearing the outfit drew wore on the way home from the hospital when he was born.  The yellow blanket was my baby blanket, the other was one that Granny made Drew.  love it. 

more favors, baby pics, drew's shoes and my tea set

Friends from my past! 

More people came than what we expected - what a blessing!  It was an open house so basically people could come whenever they wanted and I would talk to them for a bit and then open their gift before they left.  The decorations were a mix of my old baby stuff, Drew's old baby stuff and new clever ideas.  It was so beautiful and fun!  All of the salads were made by family and everything was delicious!  As you can see in the pics they did a lot!


I was SO excited and honored because both of drew's cousins came to the shower.  This was HUGE to me as I know it was a sacrifice for them to be there.  One cousin flew in from Oklahoma and the other had just got back from an amazing trip to Turkey!  It made for such a great day.

The amazing cousins Janine & Joni!

Sadly I forgot to get a picture with them.  But I did get one of them talking to drew.  :)

I did a lot of talking (which I loved haha) and not so much drinking water, which proved to be bad later. I didn't eat much either which honestly I wasn't that hungry.  (note to self: eat anyways)  After being overly blessed the party started winding down.  I started getting strange cramps in my right side and I figured it was because of feeling so tired.  We went through all the gifts and drew packed the car.  We started for home around 9. Drew had a canoe trip the next day so we had to go home that night.  As we drove the pain got a bit worse but I wasn't nervous.  I just didn't like the pain.  When I would stand the pain would go away.  That part was strange.  I called my dr. just to make sure things were ok, and she thought I was just dehydrated and tired (which was true) and I could stop at the hospital when we got closer to home and they would hook me up to monitors to check the baby etc.  But honestly, I felt like everything was ok and that I was just tired.  I text a close friend whose a doula and asked her opinion too.  She told me to drink as much water as I could and try to lay on the opposite side that hurt.  I did this and the pain started going away!  Then I fell asleep for about an hour and we were home.  I was feeling much better. And I was thankful for everyone who loves me.  And I feel thankful for God giving me a wise doctor who is available at 10pm and a wise friend who loves me.  And I'm thankful for God's Peace that He continues to give me.  He's so awesome.  

This week = 4 days of work with Thursday having an ultrasound!  SO EXCITED! I can't wait to see this little guy.  He's moving so much and I love him more than I could explain.  I hope we get pictures again.  We will see.  THEN, next weekend shower #3 with my family up north.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!  My sister will be there and lots of aunts and cousins.  It's going to be SO fun! And I'm for sure getting more sleep this week.  What an amazingly fun July!

Enjoying the ride

Have you ever been to the fair and ridden one of those rides where you have to sit in a cup looking thing and it goes in a circle while you try to turn the medal bar to make yourself go in an opposite circle?  I can't seem to remember the name of that ride, but it's one of drew's favorites.

I was thinking this morning about how much I love the Lord. I mean, if I could, I probably would quit my job and devote my life to reading, praying, singing, journaling and sitting in and around His presence.  I love to know more about Him.  I long to be with Him.  I wish so much that life could be as it should be and all would be well in the world.  I know this isn't totally possible yet, but it is where my heart longs to be.  I realized yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now.

One of my God-mama's told me to pray at the beginning of this pregnancy and ask God what my little one would have a craving for.  She said each of her pregnancies were different.  One of them she craved the Word and read it constantly.  That child is a thinker.  He loves Gods word and as an adult he loves knowledge and teaching.  Another of her children she had prophetic dreams and words a lot.  Now as an adult, that child has the same thing.  So I was praying, "God, what would you have for my child". I would read the bible with intent trying to make it into a craving.   I would sit and worship really wanting to be caught up in God's presence.  I would fall asleep asking for dreams that were connections between Heaven and Earth.  But sadly, I felt silence from Him.

Silence, but not absence.  There's a huge difference there.  I TOTALLY feel God in my life.  I see His favor.  I know His protection over me and sense His Joy covering me like the cloud in the dessert.  But no specifics. I've been praying about what to name the baby.....no answers, yet.  I've been mostly thanking God for another day of life and for keeping me healthy, for blessing us abundantly in this season.  I don't feel passion, which always bothers me.  I want to feel passionate about Him, His word, His voice, His smell, the way He teaches me and speaks to me in the deep place of my heart.  But in this season there isn't much of that. I call out to Him, not in needing anything but Him.  I just long to be in His goodness.  To not only feel that Love that He gives me daily, but to dance with Him, to teach my child even now that He is SO good and that God sits with him (my son) as well.  I keep praying that my son will remember him.  You see, he was just there, in that place...somewhere..with God.

Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb...I knew you.

Where is that place of before womb?  It's a question I've asked myself for a long time.  Long before I even wanted children I realized there was a special intimate place where God KNEW me before I was even formed.  Kinda blows my mind a bit.  But it's true.  He knew me..before...  My number one goal in life is to get back to that place.  The place of the known.  As my forming in the womb took place I'm sure I remembered Him.  But as the world and all that it offers started taking up space in my head and heart, I started to forget.  But every once in awhile something will happen and God will remind me, there was a time.....

I want my son to remember.  I don't want him to forget about that time with God.  The time before.  That is my #1 prayer for him.  All other things fall into place when we remember.

Contentment is a strange thing. Some seasons God just has you wake up, go to work, grow a baby, come home, and thank Him for it.  No drama, no striving, just contentment.  And fun. And peace.

There is a sweet spot in that ride I was talking about that drew loves.  If you push hard enough and long enough and everyone leans into one another the car starts to swirl and it continues to swirl for several trips around.  That's the goal of the ride.  To find the sweet spot.  I think in my life, I'm in the sweet spot.  It's fun, and it feels strange because even though the world is still going on around me, I'm on the ride. Closing my eyes, leaning, spinning, singing and enjoy the moment.

It's my birthday?

I love my birthday. So much!  Every year I look forward to enjoying a day of doing whatever I want including drinking Carmel Macchiato's, eating banana splits and just having fun.  However, this year I totally forgot it was my birthday.  Last week I remembered for a minute and then told Drew I really didn't want anything. (so he got me a bag full of gifts, just like him ;)  ) It has been a strange feeling not thinking about my birthday.  But not strange bad because I really have been thinking about the baby.  He's moving so much and I've just been trying to take care of him.

We had our first baby shower this weekend.  It was super fun but a few glitches.

I discovered last week that some of my invites didn't get sent (because they were on my table - UGH) and some of the evites had the wrong emails.  I didn't think to check them until Saturday and then of course it was too late.  I really feel frustrated because it's like my brain doesn't work the same anymore.  People would always say pregnancy makes your brain go away, but I really didn't think that was true.  I'm starting to believe it.  Once I discovered there were people who didn't get invites, I was so sad and it made for a very emotional Saturday. I woke up and Drew asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears.  I wasn't even sure why I was feeling so sad, but I think I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated.  Overwhelmed because I was about to have my first baby shower (the next day) and I never thought I would have a baby shower.  I don't even like baby showers.  I'm not really a baby lover.  I gotta be honest, they are cute, but they are scary! They are little and they poop and sleep and cry.  And did I mention they are little? And that I will be responsible for a little human being? And we have to pick a name for him still?  That is some scary stuff! I also started missing my mom and wishing she was here. I was so upset about a few of my closest friends not getting the invite and me not being able to do anything about it.  sigh...I was hormonal.

That night some of my favorite people, the Bystrom Family, came to stay the night for the next day party.  I was so thankful.  They have a way of making me smile, laugh and feel good about life.  It was a blessing in so many ways to have them here.  The next day we all got up and Drew made yummy french toast.  Then we went over and got ready for the shower.  I tried to block out those of my friends that didn't get the invite and just enjoy the day.

And it was a beautiful day! We were so blessed by the love from friends and family that 'showered' us with beautiful gifts.  It was strange opening up gifts of onesies and diapers.  I kept thinking, "what am I going to do with this stuff?".  And then I would think, oh yeah, we are having a baby.  I sort of still felt in shock about this baby thing I think.

I sit here tonight on my 41st birthday after a day of work feeling so tired and happy, looking at all of these amazing baby gifts that people have given us.  I will go through them again this week.  I was going to do it tonight, but I'm so tired. I'm excited for this week though.  Wednesday I get to have dinner with several of my best friends, Thursday Drew and I are going to Stratford Canada for our "babymoon" and to celebrate my birthday.  We are only going for the night which is going to be perfect.  We will be home for the weekend which will be so nice to just chill together on a part stay-cation.

I also had a baby appt today.  We are up to 2 week visits.  All was good. :)  She said I look good and everything is going perfect.  I'm SO thankful.  2 weeks and we get an ultrasound.  My dr does a 3rd trimester ultrasound just to check the size of the baby.  I'm SO excited to see that sweet face again. God is so good.

Here are a few pics from Shower #1!

I'm that girl

A strange thing is happening to me.  Now that I'm almost 30 weeks (YES-- 30! Can you even believe it?!?! God is SO good!) a strange thing is starting to happen.  People are stopping and looking.

I've decided I don't think I look "big" but as my dr. explained it to me, she said most people only know 3 different stages of pregnancy.

1. Not pregnant.
2. Maybe pregnant.
3. Ready to give birth.

She said the time in between early pregnant and giving birth is different for everyone and when you finally "pop" out and your belly looks like a pregnant belly, most people think its time for you to give birth.  This is why people ask me "when are you due?" and when I tell them September they get this horrified look on their face as if they want to scream "OH NO! YOUR BABY IS GOING TO BE ADULT SIZE BY THEN!".  But they just smile instead and say, "Oh! Good luck!".  :-/

For the past month people have said those things to me.  Or the famous, "Are you SURE you're not having twins or triplets?".  Yes, I'm sure.  I wish I was, but alas, I'm not.  I just have a big womb baby belly with one awesome little guy and I'm so thankful for him! But people don't really know that those phrases make pregnant women crazy.  I think some of those women who say them just have forgotten what it was like to be 7 months pregnant and feel like your body is not your own.

But this week, something has changed. This week I feel people...staring....

I was thinking it might have been because of the tighter shirt I was wearing that really showed off that bump I've been waiting for.  I walked into a party last Saturday and a crowd gathered around me.  All so excited about the baby.  I figured it was because my bump was really sticking out.  But today I wore a black shirt with a light jacket over it.  Black is slimming and I could barely tell I was pregnant with that jacket. I walked into a restaurant and LITERALLY people stopped eating to look at me.  All were women.  All were smiling.  One lady even turned around and looked right at me and smiled because her friend must have said, "Look at that pregnant lady!".  I heard another lady whisper something to her friend and then they both looked at me and smiled.  It was weird. I felt like I was famous or something.  The truth is, pregnant people are cute. I wouldn't have said I was a cute pregnant person, but I did have on a cute skirt.  ;)  Baby bumps are cute.  It's true. Everyone wants to see them, smile at them and yes, touch them.  I let people touch my bump because they just stand with the biggest smile looking at it. Like their heart might burst if they don't just...touch it!  I think that part is funny.

I remember looking at pregnant people and thinking they were so cute.  I never wanted to touch the belly though.  That was just me.  But it is an amazing thing that is taking place within me.  Third Trimester.  My body continues to change and it's hard for me to keep up with the changes.

Drew actually got nervous last night when I was sleeping because the baby was moving so much.  I told him that was normal and right now he has a lot of room so he's taking advantage! Every day he moves a ton and I can tell he's getting bigger.  I can feel his movement from the right side of my body and then the left.  I feel him high above and then very low.  He moves and it makes me have to pee.  Even though I just peed 2 minutes ago. I can't decide if it's his little hands or his little feet that I feel on my bladder, but I know it's something!  And even though these new movements cause me to have strange pains, I love every one of them.

I dreamed last night (while he was moving I'm sure) that he was upset and I was trying to calm him down while he was in my womb.  Then one second later he was outside of my womb and I was holding him and kissing him to calm him. But only he was now a girl.  Laura as there and I was showing her how cute he was. Then Kelly (and I) rode the airport in a flying Vista.  That's pretty much where it ended.  I think I woke to pee after that.

My first shower is this weekend! I can't believe it's shower season already. Praying for no rain and lots of laughs.  It's a pretty chill party so it should be fun! I can't wait to see everyone.

Next week Monday is my next baby appointment. ~ July 1st ~ BIRTHDAY! I would have never in a million years guessed that I would be pregnant for my 41st birthday.  This is a crazy ride God has us on.  Always surprising and always so very fun. I am blessed!