Yesterday I was meeting a friend at 1pm. I knew getting Asher ready, feeding, clothes, diapers etc. would take time so I gave myself plenty of time to get him ready. I fed him with plenty of time. I put on new clothes as we were going in public. (can't stay in our jammies forever) Then I changed his diaper. This all is normal. Then he pooped. Again, has happened before..annoying, but normal. I got him all ready and...pooped again. UGH...ok. ok....changed him again. Got everything I needed, keys, diaper bag, baby, water and then I was out to the car. Then Asher starts screaming. For no apparent reason he's just upset. I don't know why. He loves being outside. I held him for a minute and he puked. Then I put him in his car seat and he screamed louder. Then I took him out and took off his cute little jacket thinking he might be too warm. Then he puked all down the front of me. White, curdled milk. Yes, curdled. Yes, little pieces of my breast milk sticking all over me, the car and Asher. And yes, he's still crying. I wiped us all down, and decided we are now late (15 min late) and I guess I will just put him in his seat and go. So I did. I put him in the seat and as soon as I started driving (I mean, 10 seconds after we started) he stopped crying and fell asleep.
sigh..wow.
I realized sometimes in life when things seems so out of control and you try everything you know to fix it and it still is spinning, there are times you just have to make the decision to move forward. And sometimes if you can just make that decision God shows up and brings Peace to your chaotic world in just a matter of seconds. Mostly because you didn't give up, you just kept going. He's so honoring. So even though life may seem hard at times or if we are going through a season that seems to never end, the best thing to do is turn the key, put it in drive and move forward.
I went to the store yesterday looking for jeans. My after baby body is pretty awkward right now and it's messing with my mind and self esteem. This weekend we have a onetimeblind program (thus the reason for looking for clothes that fit) in Indiana . I asked Drew who agreed to this show one month after having a baby and he told me I did. Hmmm...I don't recall....but I know he's probably right. It's true about pregnant women being out of their minds most of the time. It's also true that I don't remember 1/2 of what goes on in my life. But if I would've known the crazy intense pain of childbirth and the challenges of taking care of a newborn, I would've canceled all onetimeblind things for the rest of the year! But - God calls us, so we are going. Then I realized my body image was the least of my worries. What to do with Asher?!?!?!
While traveling over the years I have watched Laura give birth to 4 babies. I have watch her as she's come back on the road after 1 month and marched on stage to do drama at conferences across the country. And do it 3 times a week as we traveled full time back then. There were several times that we had a nanny to watch the baby, but there were several times that we did not. I watched Laura as she would hand her new born baby to a stranger after asking the sponsor if there was a grandmother figure that he trusted that could watch her baby while we were on stage. Just thinking about her doing this puts a lump in my throat. Feeling like I'm expected to do the same makes me want to die inside. Asher sleeps next to our bed. A friend came and stayed with us once and she watched him in the other room one night so I could sleep. That was hard for me although the sleep was life changing. I like to have him close to me. I like to see him breathing. I like to hear him squirm a bit. I like to have him close. Laura is my hero. To have faith and trust God enough to hand her little one to someone because she has to go onstage to do drama is beyond my ability to trust. And so this past week I've wrestled with my trust level with God.
I read up on the story where God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. God gave Abraham a command. Abraham didn't question him, he just gathered wood, made Isaac carry it and then in a far off place took the rope they had and bound his own son that God had promised him. And Isaac let him. Abraham actually lifted the knife to kill his promised son. Nope, can't imagine. How could he do this? God's new command totally negates the earlier promises he had made to Abraham. If I was Abraham, that fact alone would make me think it wasn't God speaking to me. I would want a HUGE sign. Clearly God can do big signs so he could've done that for Abraham. But Abraham just trusted him. WHY?!?!?!?
The scripture tells us it's because he knew God was big. He understood his ability to redeem things. He knew his story wasn't over and that no matter what God said to do, He is true to His Word and would make all things work together for his glory and to the glory and outcome of Abrahams life. Abraham knew God could raise Isaac from the dead.
That's trust.
I'm praying for even a tiny bit of trust like that with the Lord. I didn't realize I was going to have to learn to let my baby go so early. I thought I would have to let him go when he turns 18 and goes to college, or maybe even when he first rides his bike to the store or something like that. But to let him go at 3 weeks? Yeah, I guess I have to always keep in mind that he is Kingdom property. He doesn't belong to me anyway. I'm so thankful to watch over him, but God has a plan for this kid. I am involved in it but I am not the plan.
God in all his love and understanding randomly had a friend of mine text me to see if we needed help for this onetimeblind program. So now we have someone we trust going to watch Asher. I'm so thankful God loves me. I'm thankful He knows my limits and walks with me in them. I love that He is patient and kind to me. And I'm praying this weekend will be filled with joy and God's presence as we minister to Jr. High students.
So many lessons to learn in this new season. I'm sure this is just the beginning.
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