Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Two Roads

two roads

There are two roads from which i get to choose to go down. one to the right, and one to the left. I believe each will get me to my destination, they look a lot alike really, trees, green, the paths are similar. does it matter which one i take? they both seem to be bending the same, but i am not sure which one to go pick.

On this hike, we looked for a min, and started walking in one direction. I think it was the rigth, or was it the left? It didn't matter because eventually they came together. But that initial step, that choice, i just made it with no fear. I just realized if it sent me a wrong way, i could turn around and take the other road. it would be more work, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.


choices. Sometimes we put so much weight on which way to go, that we never move. We remain and there we die. or at least grow tired. I have watched many of my friends burrow into that place of non-decision. Over where to work, where to live, what car to buy. Months, even years pass without a decision being made.

It is a risk to choose one over the other because we have no idea where it leads. Or what is waiting for us on the other side. But one thing is for sure, it can't be any worse then just standing here wondering which way is best. I guess i just want peace about my decisions in life. i don't want to walk in the way of confusion or wonder. God brings peace. He offers it, gives it. May He bless my choice no matter which way i choose to go.

And maybe I am to choose one path for now, and later be moved to another. Maybe what i am feeling is a journey of places. In that one place doesn't feel any more right than the other. They both feel equally strange. Maybe we are to go to the right, but to later meet up with the left. So knowing that, in my spirit, I feel a bit more settled. Transitions. They are temporary. If we don't like a place, we move again. Maybe we need to just move and then we will understand more of where we are supposed to be? If we take the initial step, the doors might open, and leading will come forth.

I guess moving towards one path doesn't mean that is the last path. Maybe it just means I am moving again. Someone just told me,"any movement is forward movement.". Maybe that is the case.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

ah the russians..

"..and that is how we solved Russian Communism."

i wake up to my radio alarm. It was on npr this morning and this is what i heard before pushing the button, smiling and drifting back to sleep for 10 more winks. someone else is at work on that communism issue...i knew it was going to be a good day.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

my stick shift

I have recently learned (again) how to drive a stick shift. My husband and I were blessed to be given a 2001 Subaru. It is in great shape, and we were so excited about getting it. It came in perfect time as our other two vehicles were dying. My husband told me all of the fancy features from a cd player to butt warmers. I was so excited to start driving this blessing. It is the first nice car we will own. I pictured myself driving to our local Target in style, with my warm bottom cheeks. And then he told me the bad news, it is a stick shift. This is the worst news ever. Rust I could handle, no radio would be hard, but I would deal with that, but a stick shift! My spirits and dreams started to sink down. My trips to Target were now filled with my husband in the drivers seat. This isn't bad, but now I am on his schedule, and alone time will be harder. I had a decision to make, spend every day, all day at home, or learn to drive the trecherous stick shift.

We were meeting friends and my husband was riding with others, the only way I could get to the restaurant was if I drove our car. I looked at it in the parking lot mocking me. I wondered what the car would look like after it's first trip with me. And then I wondered what the other car would look like, you know, the one I will hit. But I pulled myself out of these thoughts and I decided it was time, and got in to start it. Much to my suprise, it started the first time! Now reverse, then first gear..stop sign...first gear...stop sign..speed bump (took that a bit to fast!) and out of the drive way! I was so excited to be on the road without any stallings. First gear, second gear, fifth gear, uh, wait, what's that noise?! I went from second gear to fifth and somehow stalled the car. I pulled over on the side of the road, cars racing by, my adrenaline pumping and my nerves out of control. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I yelled through my tears and fear. I stared the car up again, and drove it to my destination. I made it fine. It was rush hour, and i was very nervous. When i got out of the car, I hoped I never had to drive it again.

But i knew if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to get in that seat once more. The next time I did, was the week before Christmas. Traffic was super bad, and I stalled it a million times. I cried. I stopped, took a breather, ate some chicken wings, and got back in the drivers seat. The thing is, I had no choice. I had to get back in if I wanted to get home. My life is much like this 2001 Subaru.

Everyday I wake up wondering how I am going to make it one more day. I look at the big picture of the ministry I am in, and my bills piling up, and my friendships and family, and I wonder how it is going to work out. How is it going to be ok? I suddenly get that feeling in my stomach. The one that is much like butterflies, but evil ones. It hurts and eventually eats away at the lining in your stomach. I stop, cry and take a breather. "One day at a time, one hour, one minute", is the phrase I tell myself. That is how I live. That is how I get rid of those evil butterflies in my stomach. Trusting that God will kill every one of them with His promise to take care of me. And I DO love Him, but it is in all of this jerking and gear shifting and even stalling that I get confused and want to stop driving all together. But I can't really. Because I have to keep going, if I want to get home.

kaleidoscope

i love kaleidoscopes. My mother used to collect them before she pasted away. I have her collection now. She only had a few, but i love looking at them. Each one is so unique and makes its own pattern. When you turn the dial, shapes and colors collide and create new creations of beauty and my eyes never grow tired of these changes.

When i look at my own life, I wonder why it is that I hate change. Change was happening so much in my life this past year, it seemed I couldn't keep up, and I hated it. But now that changing has slowed down, I don't like where it has stopped. I am at the place in the ferris wheel where you are almost done, getting off the ride, but not quite. So you suspend in air and the view isn't that good, and you can't touch the ground yet, so you just dangle and wait. I am dangling and waiting. Holding my breath for the next change. And understanding that there are more colorful patterns to see.

random thoughts while waiting

There is something about this area. Have I convinced myself of it? Do I feel, really feel different when I am here? As we step off the bus I get stepped on, weighted down. Oppression. I need to feel free. I need to feel awake and alive. The longer I stay, the worse it gets. How do i step past these happenings in my life? Where do I go to get the magic pill of freedom? Will I be different in a different city? Could life be better? I don't even know how I would get there. This is how people get stuck. I need to be unstuck. What can we do to be alive again? Is this all there was? I know once I am in sight of the stage, the people...I soar.

I wouldn't see myself as an encourager, yet I encourage. There is something about truth that draws people out of our present state and leaves us begging for more. We were created for righteousness. So when we see it, without understanding or knowing what is happening, we long to be corrected. We want to be right. As much as our selves fight to be right alwyas, (even if we are wrong) we long, need, want to be right in the most right way. In the most pure form of right-ness. Righteousness. So, we live our lives as best we can whle looking for ways to become or improve our righteousness. When we find these pieces of treasure (sometimes they look like a whole chocolate cake, sometimes like a small piece of baklava-both delicious!) we savour it, make it a part of ourselves and then look for more.

I have found these people, prophets, these righteous words are in such things as sermons, magazines, art, people, books, nature. Because God can speak anywhere, and at any time. We don't know where we will find these random treasures, so we must always be looking for these treasures of correction. Ready to receive.