Nope, no new word on the family front. Drew was telling me he was trying to blog today but it seems there are too many things to say and he ran out of time. I agree. This is the reason for my 2 blog entries today.
God is revealing...uh sorry, downloading things to us and basically these things cause us to be overwhelmed, squashed and humbled. I've been feeling 'whatever' about our current situation in life. Our goal=get a family. But we need better jobs to afford it. So, our goal=get better jobs. But we can't get better jobs unless God gives them to us. So, our goal=get God to give us better jobs and a family. sigh. I haven't found the secret to get God to do something. Nor do I want to. The thought was brought up last night during prayer, -let Gods will be good enough.
Is it? Is God's will good enough for my life? If this is it, would that be good enough? selah indeed.
For whatever reason last night our prayer group just had a time of repentance. When was the last time you repented of anything? I never do. It was strange because from 5 min. into our quiet time I started crying for repentance. Then that was what we were going to be praying about later. We spent 2 hours repenting our guts out for lack of honoring Him, lack of respect, no trust, wrong theology etc. It was a good personal time with God. God knows what He's doing. Having a realization of my sin or smallness is so good for me. It forces my pride to bow to the King of Kings. It pushes out anything that is flesh. By the end of the night I was just thankful to be loved by God. I'm thankful to feel His peace and recognize He IS in control if I let Him be. He WILL and IS taking care of me. I honestly didn't think of children at all. It wasn't about that. It was just me and The Father. So, so good.
Then I walked to the car.
On the way to the car someone from the group came up to me and said, "Kat, I feel God wants me to tell you 1 Samuel 1. Hannah. I don't know why". sigh. I can't get away from it. God constantly wants me to know He is in charge and that He hasn't forgotten. I KNOW GOD--I GET IT! If you haven't read 1 Samuel lately, it's all about how Hannah was barren. She was at the temple crying "out of my deep anguish and grief" when the priest spoke over her and soon after this she conceived. She told God she would dedicate this baby to Him. And she did. I've always told God I would raise my children strongly in the Lord. How could I not? Of all the years and dozens of times we have received scriptures and words from people, I've never received 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah. I like Hannah. A woman of her word who loved God. I'm not sure of God's purpose for giving me a scripture last night. It came from an uncommon source who didn't know my story. But I do know this, God loves me deeply. And I love that He continues to kiss me with His words.
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
God's downloads.
Lately I've been hearing the phrase, "God has really been downloading some stuff to me". I think that comment is very funny. It makes me think we are in the Matrix and at any point during the day God can just flip a switch and we know how to control a helicopter. But I guess when God gives you a new revelation it is sort of like that. The hope is that God will in some way open our eyes, our hearts eyes, see God and change our ways. Or at the very least recognize His love and live differently. Well, God has been downloading into me lately. Here is something from a few days ago.
Drew and I were praying and Drew was reminding God of what He promised us and gently nudging Him to fulfill these promises. "Remember us God? Remember that we are waiting for you? We are waiting for breakthrough with jobs, remember? And I'm not sure if you've looked around our house, but we don't have those children you promised. Maybe it was just an overlook on your part, I mean, since you promised it and all. " These weren't Drew's exact words, but it has been the spirit in which we pray lately. Don't get me wrong, God has blessed us SO much lately. He has provided for our bills in September by somehow taking a little and making it enough! And we even, somehow by the Grace of God and I'm still not sure how, were able to pay for 4 new tires that we needed. (It's weird how your car actually feels new when you can't feel every crack in the road for lack of tread. God is good!) So, yes, He has been at work. But those big breakthroughs--those that bring us stability and make us feel normal, those He keeps from us. But as we were praying, I stopped Drew. I told him, I didn't feel like we needed to remind God of His promises and here's why.
If we trusted Him we wouldn't keep asking.
I pay the bills for our family. When we first got married I was in accounting. I'm better with money than Drew. He could do it, but this is just how we've decided to do it. I agreed to make sure they are taken care of. Drew knows this. He knows that every month I'm going to pay the rent, electric, gas, cable, credit cards, car insurance bills etc. He trusts that every month I will write those check. He trusts me. He doesn't come to me on the 15th and say, "Uh, Kat, it's the 15th. Have you paid the electric bill?". He knows I will do it. Mostly because I said I would and he trusts me. So, why is it that when God says He will provide for us and give us strength when we need it, we question Him?
It's almost like we are saying, "Prove it to me God.". Oh man. The God of creation who knew me before I was in my mothers womb, who created ALL things, who guides me and holds everything in His hands, who is the same yesterday, today and forever stands looking at me and smiles with compassion at my immaturity. Or at least I hope He's smiling. My constant reminders about what HE said have to seem ridiculous to Him. It's almost like He's saying, "I KNOW what I said. I SAID IT! I TRUST and BELIEVE what I said, do you?" Sadly, when I really thinking about it I have to respond with, no, I guess I don't.
Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him 3 times the night he was betrayed. Peter responded, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Matt. 26:35. Basically Peter told Jesus he was a liar. A harsh statement, but still true. What's the difference between Peter and me? I allow fear to root itself in my heart because I don't know my future and I'm basically telling God He and His word are a bunch of lies. I'm telling Him He can't handle it, He's too weak, He doesn't know or understand my situation and He obviously doesn't care because He does nothing to fix it. But God is more than a carpenter. He's not there just to fix my brokenness, although He does do that. He wants me to be strong-made for something durable. I've said before sometimes life hurts so bad all you feel is Jesus. And I think that's the point. We need to get to a place where God can actually rule. A place where He is allowed to touch us. Sometimes that means waiting.
God is gracious. I'm unbelievably grateful for His grace and His Mercy. I don't deserve it, but He lavishes it anyway. He loves anyway. He heals anyway. He provides despite my lack of. He loves deeply and persists on surrounding me with His glory. He truly is an amazing God. Even if I'm not expecting Him to be.
Drew and I were praying and Drew was reminding God of what He promised us and gently nudging Him to fulfill these promises. "Remember us God? Remember that we are waiting for you? We are waiting for breakthrough with jobs, remember? And I'm not sure if you've looked around our house, but we don't have those children you promised. Maybe it was just an overlook on your part, I mean, since you promised it and all. " These weren't Drew's exact words, but it has been the spirit in which we pray lately. Don't get me wrong, God has blessed us SO much lately. He has provided for our bills in September by somehow taking a little and making it enough! And we even, somehow by the Grace of God and I'm still not sure how, were able to pay for 4 new tires that we needed. (It's weird how your car actually feels new when you can't feel every crack in the road for lack of tread. God is good!) So, yes, He has been at work. But those big breakthroughs--those that bring us stability and make us feel normal, those He keeps from us. But as we were praying, I stopped Drew. I told him, I didn't feel like we needed to remind God of His promises and here's why.
If we trusted Him we wouldn't keep asking.
I pay the bills for our family. When we first got married I was in accounting. I'm better with money than Drew. He could do it, but this is just how we've decided to do it. I agreed to make sure they are taken care of. Drew knows this. He knows that every month I'm going to pay the rent, electric, gas, cable, credit cards, car insurance bills etc. He trusts that every month I will write those check. He trusts me. He doesn't come to me on the 15th and say, "Uh, Kat, it's the 15th. Have you paid the electric bill?". He knows I will do it. Mostly because I said I would and he trusts me. So, why is it that when God says He will provide for us and give us strength when we need it, we question Him?
It's almost like we are saying, "Prove it to me God.". Oh man. The God of creation who knew me before I was in my mothers womb, who created ALL things, who guides me and holds everything in His hands, who is the same yesterday, today and forever stands looking at me and smiles with compassion at my immaturity. Or at least I hope He's smiling. My constant reminders about what HE said have to seem ridiculous to Him. It's almost like He's saying, "I KNOW what I said. I SAID IT! I TRUST and BELIEVE what I said, do you?" Sadly, when I really thinking about it I have to respond with, no, I guess I don't.
Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him 3 times the night he was betrayed. Peter responded, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Matt. 26:35. Basically Peter told Jesus he was a liar. A harsh statement, but still true. What's the difference between Peter and me? I allow fear to root itself in my heart because I don't know my future and I'm basically telling God He and His word are a bunch of lies. I'm telling Him He can't handle it, He's too weak, He doesn't know or understand my situation and He obviously doesn't care because He does nothing to fix it. But God is more than a carpenter. He's not there just to fix my brokenness, although He does do that. He wants me to be strong-made for something durable. I've said before sometimes life hurts so bad all you feel is Jesus. And I think that's the point. We need to get to a place where God can actually rule. A place where He is allowed to touch us. Sometimes that means waiting.
God is gracious. I'm unbelievably grateful for His grace and His Mercy. I don't deserve it, but He lavishes it anyway. He loves anyway. He heals anyway. He provides despite my lack of. He loves deeply and persists on surrounding me with His glory. He truly is an amazing God. Even if I'm not expecting Him to be.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
blogs, buttons & babies
Who knew buttons were so hard to put on your blog. Well, maybe it's not supposed to be hard, but for some reason I missed the boat on how to do it. So now I have 2 HUGE buttons that you can push if you are interested. One for the ministry. One for the awesome teen magazine I've described below.
So, I met a new Dr. yesterday. She is amazing, very direct. I went just to meet her and make sure it's who I wanted to use for all my woman needs. My current Dr. is a bit of a drive, so I was looking for someone closer. After meeting this new Dr. she asked me lot of questions about our past. She ended up explaining a few more options we have as far as infertility testing. She seemed very positive and told me we need to be aggressive in pursuing children and at the very least find the bottom line. She wants to run a few tests and just see how my levels are. I kinda just sat there with my mouth open not knowing what to say. I wasn't there to discuss fertility treatments, but I found myself listening to her and agreeing, maybe we should. Maybe we should at least hear our options. She understood our past. She understands our present. But she also wants a future family for us and believes it's possible. It was a good feeling. It was a weird feeling. It's not often you feel like you meet someone who understands what you're going through. Still not feeling 'hopeful' necessarily, but at least it's another door to explore.
I don't know which way God wants to use to bring our family to us. I wasn't expecting to go back into fertility stuff. sigh. We haven't given up on adoption yet. I missed a call today from another agency. I have a few questions about income requirements etc. I just hope for God to lead us. We want what He wants and we will just keep moving forward and moving where He directs. Just this morning I was reading Philippians 3
Yes, forgetting what is behind. Pressing forward. Not knowing what that looks like is the scary part, but baby steps. Drew and I are looking for part/full time jobs. Really just anything that would give us enough income to cause some sort of stability to happen in our lives. It will happen. It must. So for now, one day at a time. God first. Faith. Joy. Love. Intimacy. Sacrifice of self. My face shining with His face. Then jobs, babies, house/cabin, dog, and any cheese I want to buy.
So, I met a new Dr. yesterday. She is amazing, very direct. I went just to meet her and make sure it's who I wanted to use for all my woman needs. My current Dr. is a bit of a drive, so I was looking for someone closer. After meeting this new Dr. she asked me lot of questions about our past. She ended up explaining a few more options we have as far as infertility testing. She seemed very positive and told me we need to be aggressive in pursuing children and at the very least find the bottom line. She wants to run a few tests and just see how my levels are. I kinda just sat there with my mouth open not knowing what to say. I wasn't there to discuss fertility treatments, but I found myself listening to her and agreeing, maybe we should. Maybe we should at least hear our options. She understood our past. She understands our present. But she also wants a future family for us and believes it's possible. It was a good feeling. It was a weird feeling. It's not often you feel like you meet someone who understands what you're going through. Still not feeling 'hopeful' necessarily, but at least it's another door to explore.
I don't know which way God wants to use to bring our family to us. I wasn't expecting to go back into fertility stuff. sigh. We haven't given up on adoption yet. I missed a call today from another agency. I have a few questions about income requirements etc. I just hope for God to lead us. We want what He wants and we will just keep moving forward and moving where He directs. Just this morning I was reading Philippians 3
12 But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. 13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
Yes, forgetting what is behind. Pressing forward. Not knowing what that looks like is the scary part, but baby steps. Drew and I are looking for part/full time jobs. Really just anything that would give us enough income to cause some sort of stability to happen in our lives. It will happen. It must. So for now, one day at a time. God first. Faith. Joy. Love. Intimacy. Sacrifice of self. My face shining with His face. Then jobs, babies, house/cabin, dog, and any cheese I want to buy.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Blooming
I've been looking around for places to submit some of my writings and during that search I came across a new teen magazine
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| Bloom Magazine |
Friday, September 10, 2010
Steps to get there
I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to title this entry. I can't figure it out. I just see myself eating day old popcorn and watching re-runs of Iron Chef all night. I'm tired. It feels like no matter which way we turn we have opposition. Another week has gone by and my plants are dead and frozen and still no jobs for us. We are trying to stay hopeful, but things keep going backwards instead of forwards. I refuse to stay stuck but no matter how hard I try to shake loose I get more stuck.
It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.
Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?
Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.
It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.
Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?
Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
What joy do I bring?
Yesterday I was doing my devotional and it was on mutual love in marriage. The scripture was taken from Ephesians 5-6 and basically highlighted our respect and honor we should have for one another. I agreed with the parts that told me to yield because I respect Christ. I also agreed with the part that told my husband he was to love me as he loves himself. Then they took a portion from Proverbs
As I read this I thought, "Yeah! Be happy with me! Look how awesome I am. You should hold me captive. Stop looking at other women! Look at me! Look at me! I'm amazing!". But then I reread what it says. "She gives you joy...she is lovely...graceful...let her love make you happy..." then I wondered, do I give him joy? Does my attitude from morning to evening burst with something, ANYTHING to bring my husband JOY? Oh man, sadly my answer is far from yes.
I don't make it easy for him. I don't feel joyful, so how can I bring him joy? I recall Drew telling me one time that he loves to watch me speak from stage. I'm all lit up and he sees Christ working in me. I'm confident and strong. And I realized, I'm at my loveliest when I am in Christ.
Even when I'm in a season of dry desert blah-ness, I know I can still look and smell lovely in Christ. But I can only have that covering, that wrapping of Jesus if I spend time with Him. I must allow Him to calm me, bring me peace, whisper truth to me. The truth that He loves me. And He has a plan and purpose for me. That this isn't the end, there is more coming. Even if I sit for 5 min. it makes a difference.
In Christ we find out who we are and what it is we are living for" Eph. 1:11.
It's not my job to bring my husband joy, but it is my job to allow Christ to BE my joy. And in turn, Drew sees that and not only finds rest but encouragement. He drinks in that joy as a fountain that gives him water and in turn, is more than happy with the wife he married when he was young.
Be happy with the wife you married when you were young.
She gives you joy as your fountain gives you water.
She is as lovely and graceful as a deer.
Let her love always make you happy;
let her love always hold you captive.
My son, don't be held captive by a woman who takes part in adultery.
Don't hug another man's wife.
Proverbs 5:18-20
As I read this I thought, "Yeah! Be happy with me! Look how awesome I am. You should hold me captive. Stop looking at other women! Look at me! Look at me! I'm amazing!". But then I reread what it says. "She gives you joy...she is lovely...graceful...let her love make you happy..." then I wondered, do I give him joy? Does my attitude from morning to evening burst with something, ANYTHING to bring my husband JOY? Oh man, sadly my answer is far from yes.
I don't make it easy for him. I don't feel joyful, so how can I bring him joy? I recall Drew telling me one time that he loves to watch me speak from stage. I'm all lit up and he sees Christ working in me. I'm confident and strong. And I realized, I'm at my loveliest when I am in Christ.
Even when I'm in a season of dry desert blah-ness, I know I can still look and smell lovely in Christ. But I can only have that covering, that wrapping of Jesus if I spend time with Him. I must allow Him to calm me, bring me peace, whisper truth to me. The truth that He loves me. And He has a plan and purpose for me. That this isn't the end, there is more coming. Even if I sit for 5 min. it makes a difference.
In Christ we find out who we are and what it is we are living for" Eph. 1:11.
It's not my job to bring my husband joy, but it is my job to allow Christ to BE my joy. And in turn, Drew sees that and not only finds rest but encouragement. He drinks in that joy as a fountain that gives him water and in turn, is more than happy with the wife he married when he was young.
Friday, September 03, 2010
burned and peeling
This past weekend was wonderful. D & I went up north with friends to the most unbelievable lake. I'm not really a lake girl, but this lake and the time spent there felt like I was on a tropical island. It was so peaceful and relaxing. The water was tropical blue and the lake was so clear I could see the bottom at 20 feet beneath me. I needed to get away.
I keep trying to hear God speak, but He seems to be pretty silent with me as of late. I'm trying to find a job which comes with lots of questions about who I am, what kind of job I can get while working with otb, where does God want me to work, and on and on.
I got burned this past weekend on my face. Today it's peeling. It's so annoying to get burned. It hurts, it's flaking all over and my skin is hot and tight. I realize this only lasts for a few days, but those few days are so annoying. I feel like this is my life right now. Just sort of flaky and annoying. Unsure of whether I want to work full time or part time. Get a meaningful job or a non-meaningful one. LOTs of questions up in the air. Today I got 3 job offers. Can you even believe that? None of them are a sure thing, but I'm not sure which way to go. Hopefully something will surface and I will make a choice.
I'm trying to do research on publishing a book. I have it mostly written but not sure where to go from here. Everything seems really big to me right now. sigh.
I keep trying to hear God speak, but He seems to be pretty silent with me as of late. I'm trying to find a job which comes with lots of questions about who I am, what kind of job I can get while working with otb, where does God want me to work, and on and on.
I got burned this past weekend on my face. Today it's peeling. It's so annoying to get burned. It hurts, it's flaking all over and my skin is hot and tight. I realize this only lasts for a few days, but those few days are so annoying. I feel like this is my life right now. Just sort of flaky and annoying. Unsure of whether I want to work full time or part time. Get a meaningful job or a non-meaningful one. LOTs of questions up in the air. Today I got 3 job offers. Can you even believe that? None of them are a sure thing, but I'm not sure which way to go. Hopefully something will surface and I will make a choice.
I'm trying to do research on publishing a book. I have it mostly written but not sure where to go from here. Everything seems really big to me right now. sigh.
ADOPTION
WE HAVE DECIDED TO ADOPT!!!!!!!!
Now before you start asking lots of questions let me answer some. For the past few months we have been contemplating adoption as we move forward with our lives and journey for a family. We still VERY MUCH believe we are going to have biological children, but feel at this time God wants us to adopt. We are SO excited to begin this adventure and as we move forward I'm sure I will be blogging through the difficulties as already there has been many. We aren't completely sure if we want to adopt domestic or internationally, but we are feeling more led at this time to adopt internationally. God could definitely change our hearts on this, but this is where we feel the most peace right now. We are looking at a few agencies and are wanting to make our decision soon so we can start fundraising. So, if you know of any organizations that help financially with adoptions, please let us know. We are open to all advice and support!
A few obstacles that stand in our way:
Jobs.
We need better jobs. Currently I'm working 10 hours a week as a nanny and have committed to work there for at least a few more months. I am nervous to get a full time job because if we adopt I don't want to have to work full time with kids. And part time jobs are also not easily workable with schedules etc. We are still traveling with onetimeblind a few times a month, but each month is different and we can't rely on getting paid regularly. Drew loves his job as a server, but he's not making enough money either. So we both sit and wait while looking for other opportunities God might have for us. We are not giving up, but just need something stable. In this economy..sigh. Jobs would not only give us stability as a family but allow us to pay off debt and move forward. Maybe even get a second car that we need in 2 months before the snow hits, or get new tires for the one we have. We are working so hard and not getting anywhere. 1 step forward and 2 steps back. We keep hoping for something better. And we serve a God that loves to provide and work miracles, so we are counting on that. We've never had a back up plan, just God.
Housing.
We live in an apartment. It's a nice apartment and I'm happy with it. I've become accustom to its balcony and deer walking along the path of trees as the little bunnies hop. For reals. But when adopting it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone else has a house, and a yard, and bedroomS (plural), and dogs etc. I start to feel abnormal and like we could never adopt. I know this isn't true, but its what the enemy tells me. The truth is we haven't been able to do much because of our income. I don't think people realize that we have never had even an average income. People are surprised when they hear we are having difficulties paying our few bills. It's ok, this is what we have chosen, but it's troublesome when life/God has other plans and we aren't given natural children. We now have to work for it. A lot. I wonder how living in an apartment could be a better life for this child we might adopt. SHEESH, what's wrong with me? But I feel myself labeling us, labeled into a category that we didn't choose. And categories suck.
Health.
I am depressed. There I said it. But who cares? Lots of people are depressed right now. And rightly so, life is hard! We have been in "transition" for years now trying to figure out what God wants us to do while trying to (and sometimes putting off) figure out how to heal ourselves enough for God to give us children. So here we are not traveling much, still trying to have children, not very much money, and trying to adopt. We found out that we aren't eligible to adopt from a certain country because I'm depressed right now. (roll the eyes) MILD DEPRESSION PEOPLE! But still the news doesn't put me in a happy mood. This particular country doesn't want you to have any health issues. It was frustrating. But we reminded ourselves that we are praying for God to shut the doors He doesn't want us to go through since we feel there are so many options these days. So when He does this we need to be ok with it. He is and will give us His BEST. I wonder what that is?
*and yes, I'm on meds and feeling better. Many of my friends call it the happy pill and they are right. It helps me think and get out of bed. That is a good thing. Now if only they could come up with a pill to solve my problems. ;-)
God is on the move. I know it. I've never been through such a strange season of my life where there are lots of directions to move in and I'm not sure which one to go. I'm being forced to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Family, marriage, housing, career, dogs and bunnies, so much to think about. So we just have to start moving and pray that God will close the wrong doors like I said before. So--life will go on and get better. I know it. This season reminds me of being born. At least what I think it would feel like. Lots of pushing, nasty liquid stuff, big things coming out of places that don't seem natural, and one comfy season leading to a whole new world of seasons. Yeah, birthing.
So please keep us in your prayers as we continue to push through on our journey. I will be updating regularly as the adoption process is SUPER overwhelming. God has a plan.
“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,
Now before you start asking lots of questions let me answer some. For the past few months we have been contemplating adoption as we move forward with our lives and journey for a family. We still VERY MUCH believe we are going to have biological children, but feel at this time God wants us to adopt. We are SO excited to begin this adventure and as we move forward I'm sure I will be blogging through the difficulties as already there has been many. We aren't completely sure if we want to adopt domestic or internationally, but we are feeling more led at this time to adopt internationally. God could definitely change our hearts on this, but this is where we feel the most peace right now. We are looking at a few agencies and are wanting to make our decision soon so we can start fundraising. So, if you know of any organizations that help financially with adoptions, please let us know. We are open to all advice and support!
A few obstacles that stand in our way:
Jobs.
We need better jobs. Currently I'm working 10 hours a week as a nanny and have committed to work there for at least a few more months. I am nervous to get a full time job because if we adopt I don't want to have to work full time with kids. And part time jobs are also not easily workable with schedules etc. We are still traveling with onetimeblind a few times a month, but each month is different and we can't rely on getting paid regularly. Drew loves his job as a server, but he's not making enough money either. So we both sit and wait while looking for other opportunities God might have for us. We are not giving up, but just need something stable. In this economy..sigh. Jobs would not only give us stability as a family but allow us to pay off debt and move forward. Maybe even get a second car that we need in 2 months before the snow hits, or get new tires for the one we have. We are working so hard and not getting anywhere. 1 step forward and 2 steps back. We keep hoping for something better. And we serve a God that loves to provide and work miracles, so we are counting on that. We've never had a back up plan, just God.
Housing.
We live in an apartment. It's a nice apartment and I'm happy with it. I've become accustom to its balcony and deer walking along the path of trees as the little bunnies hop. For reals. But when adopting it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone else has a house, and a yard, and bedroomS (plural), and dogs etc. I start to feel abnormal and like we could never adopt. I know this isn't true, but its what the enemy tells me. The truth is we haven't been able to do much because of our income. I don't think people realize that we have never had even an average income. People are surprised when they hear we are having difficulties paying our few bills. It's ok, this is what we have chosen, but it's troublesome when life/God has other plans and we aren't given natural children. We now have to work for it. A lot. I wonder how living in an apartment could be a better life for this child we might adopt. SHEESH, what's wrong with me? But I feel myself labeling us, labeled into a category that we didn't choose. And categories suck.
Health.
I am depressed. There I said it. But who cares? Lots of people are depressed right now. And rightly so, life is hard! We have been in "transition" for years now trying to figure out what God wants us to do while trying to (and sometimes putting off) figure out how to heal ourselves enough for God to give us children. So here we are not traveling much, still trying to have children, not very much money, and trying to adopt. We found out that we aren't eligible to adopt from a certain country because I'm depressed right now. (roll the eyes) MILD DEPRESSION PEOPLE! But still the news doesn't put me in a happy mood. This particular country doesn't want you to have any health issues. It was frustrating. But we reminded ourselves that we are praying for God to shut the doors He doesn't want us to go through since we feel there are so many options these days. So when He does this we need to be ok with it. He is and will give us His BEST. I wonder what that is?
*and yes, I'm on meds and feeling better. Many of my friends call it the happy pill and they are right. It helps me think and get out of bed. That is a good thing. Now if only they could come up with a pill to solve my problems. ;-)
God is on the move. I know it. I've never been through such a strange season of my life where there are lots of directions to move in and I'm not sure which one to go. I'm being forced to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Family, marriage, housing, career, dogs and bunnies, so much to think about. So we just have to start moving and pray that God will close the wrong doors like I said before. So--life will go on and get better. I know it. This season reminds me of being born. At least what I think it would feel like. Lots of pushing, nasty liquid stuff, big things coming out of places that don't seem natural, and one comfy season leading to a whole new world of seasons. Yeah, birthing.
So please keep us in your prayers as we continue to push through on our journey. I will be updating regularly as the adoption process is SUPER overwhelming. God has a plan.
“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”
– Unknown
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