Day 10

Happy Birthday Eden! Today Laura's daughter Eden turns 9.

It's strange how fast she's grown. I remember when Laura announced she was pregnant. We were both trying to have children at the same time. I was SO excited for her, and then so confused when I never became pregnant. I became jealous and angry at my circumstance. Laura was amazing as she tried to understood my pain and I tried to understand her joy. We walked together. Joy & Sorrow. We were traveling full time on the road with onetimeblind and I spent every day with this amazing little girl Eden. We've developed a very special relationship & I love her so much.  I can't help but imagine that I might have had a child this age as well. Or even older. But that's not my story.

Tonight I am tired and doing laundry. I really want to go to bed early tonight. We have an early appointment tomorrow and I need my rest! I'm out of medicine starting in the morning. I called and talked to my nurse who told me that she has some for me if I need it for tomorrow night. That will give me a day to order more if needed. Otherwise we will be assigned to do the big shot! YIKES! I know it's coming soon...I'm just trying to think happy thoughts. If I look like I'm ready to go to retrieval tomorrow morning then the nurse will mix our meds for us and draw a bullseye on my butt so drew knows exactly where to give it to me that night. The meds will trigger me to ovulate and then 36 hours later I can have the procedure for retrieval. All of this is happening soon! If it doesn't look like I'm ready, then I will order more meds and go back the following morning until I am ready. But again, retrieval is soon! I'm a little scared about the big shot, but I know it's a temporary pain so I just assume I can take it for a short amount of time. And I'm a little scared about the procedure, but again, I know these doctors have done this a million times. It's all nerve racking as well as exciting. :) I know God has a plan, so I rest in that.  There are a million things that could go wrong. And also a million things that could go right. It's just life, ya know? Things happen, but as drew once said, 

We can always hope because there's always a tomorrow

and I agree. 

Steps to get there

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to title this entry. I can't figure it out. I just see myself eating day old popcorn and watching re-runs of Iron Chef all night. I'm tired. It feels like no matter which way we turn we have opposition. Another week has gone by and my plants are dead and frozen and still no jobs for us. We are trying to stay hopeful, but things keep going backwards instead of forwards. I refuse to stay stuck but no matter how hard I try to shake loose I get more stuck.

It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.

Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?

Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.