you would love this

Dear mom,

I know it's strange for me to write since I believe you know all of the things happening in my life, but today I just can't get you off my mind. I miss you.  My amazing mother in law came this weekend to help us put together the nursery.  I know you would've wanted to help with that too, but let's be honest, we would've had way more fun just dreaming about the nursery then actually putting it together. :)

As I sit here tonight missing you I looked at the almost finished nursery and started crying.  Besides wishing that you were here to celebrate with us, it's hard to see all of the amazing gifts I've been given and realize they are for a child that is in my womb.  One that will soon be arriving and then come home with me to live...forever.  Well, at least till he's 18ish.  But he will always be God's and he will always be mine.  From the moment he was released from Heaven he was a part of my heart.  I kinda feel like God let you meet him already.  Maybe you sent a kiss for me through him.  I hope he laughs like you.  I hope I can make his childhood fun like you made mine.  I know things weren't perfect, but despite a challenging upbringing the most memories I have are good.  That was because you made them that way.  We never seemed to go anywhere, but we always had fun with what God gave us.

I don't remember if I had a nursery.  I've seen no pictures and if I had to guess I would say I didn't.  And that's ok, I know I was loved.  No nursery is required.

The baby is hiccuping right now.  I can feel him moving to the rhythm of the beat.  He squirms a bit.  He's kind of a squirmer.  He was that way even when he was 9 weeks old!  It's a miracle that I can even know that but his ultrasound showed his newly formed leg kicking. Even my Dr. was amazed.  This baby has greatness in him.  He has God in him giving him strength and life.  He is destined to do amazing things for the Lord.

And he's so cute.  It's amazing how I can fall in love with someone I've never met.  He is the closest he will ever be to my heart.  Just sitting a few inches below it, sharing my blood, my food, my emotion, my spirit in a way.  I wish you were here to see my morphing body.  When I see myself in the mirror I stop every time and just stare.  I look so....not like me.  It's like I'm looking into a dream that I had years ago and I can't get my head to believe that this is ME. But it IS me.  This miracle in my womb.  I make myself another spinach smoothie to give nutrients to this baby that I know, has to be mine.  It's real, but not real.  But tonight, looking at the nursery room, this seems to really be happening.

Even though you've been a grandma 7 times now, it's strange to think of you as being a grandma to my baby. (grand baby #8!)  I know you would love all of the kiddos the same.  They are all amazing.  Even the ones we don't see very often.  I know you would've made the baby something special. I know you would've loved to have gone to all the showers and just been so excited.  The family shower was fun.  All of your siblings were so generous to us.  I'm so thankful to have them all in my life.  And the shower was beautiful of course.

I wish you could come to tomorrows shower.  So many people that I love and that have supported me the last few years will be there.   This group of ladies have become like a second family to me.  They have prayed over us, fed us, given us gifts, had dreams of our baby, encouraged us and just loved us unconditionally as we were in our waiting field. And now we celebrate!  I could never express how thankful I am to the group that will be there tomorrow.  I pray God will show me mercy and I will remember all their names as I've been struggling with that lately even with super close friends.

I'm sorry that you had to leave here 22 years ago today.  But I know you are in the BEST place possible.  Life moves forward as it must.  You are never forgotten or overlooked in my heart.  My kids will know you.  We will tell your stories and talk about your heart for people.  I will teach them to have that heart as Drew has it too.   It's in our heritage.  I'm so thankful.

I pray that we also have dad's heart of fun.  I think that's probably why you both fell in love.  Many times I remember laughing at you and dad. He was silly at times and a good sport when we would tease him about stuff.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. It's been a long day and as memories come and hormones rise it's only going to get harder to get rest.  Another big day tomorrow. I need to sleep and rest up.  I'm excited to spend time with friends and family.  And to go to church since I haven't been able to go in over a month.  God is so good to me.  Overly blessed.

I'm thankful that you loved me.  I'm thankful to be your daughter.  I'm thankful to be in love with an amazing man and to have his son.  He's moving all around now trying to find room to stretch.  Running out of room quickly but that doesn't stop him from trying. I love it.

I wish that you didn't have to leave so soon, but I'm thankful to have God who works out all good things for those that love Him.  He has and continues to work out good things. Very good things.  He's given me not just one, but several second mothers.  Never to replace you, but always to enhance and bring joy, wisdom and love to my life in ways that you no longer can. But all of that is ok.  Because God loves me that much.  And I know that's what you would want.  You might even have had some sort of say in it all. That wouldn't surprise me one bit.  haha.

Ok, good night, sweet dreams.  I miss you terribly.  I love you more than words.

your daughter ~

kathlene