I was thinking this morning about how much I love the Lord. I mean, if I could, I probably would quit my job and devote my life to reading, praying, singing, journaling and sitting in and around His presence. I love to know more about Him. I long to be with Him. I wish so much that life could be as it should be and all would be well in the world. I know this isn't totally possible yet, but it is where my heart longs to be. I realized yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now.
One of my God-mama's told me to pray at the beginning of this pregnancy and ask God what my little one would have a craving for. She said each of her pregnancies were different. One of them she craved the Word and read it constantly. That child is a thinker. He loves Gods word and as an adult he loves knowledge and teaching. Another of her children she had prophetic dreams and words a lot. Now as an adult, that child has the same thing. So I was praying, "God, what would you have for my child". I would read the bible with intent trying to make it into a craving. I would sit and worship really wanting to be caught up in God's presence. I would fall asleep asking for dreams that were connections between Heaven and Earth. But sadly, I felt silence from Him.
Silence, but not absence. There's a huge difference there. I TOTALLY feel God in my life. I see His favor. I know His protection over me and sense His Joy covering me like the cloud in the dessert. But no specifics. I've been praying about what to name the baby.....no answers, yet. I've been mostly thanking God for another day of life and for keeping me healthy, for blessing us abundantly in this season. I don't feel passion, which always bothers me. I want to feel passionate about Him, His word, His voice, His smell, the way He teaches me and speaks to me in the deep place of my heart. But in this season there isn't much of that. I call out to Him, not in needing anything but Him. I just long to be in His goodness. To not only feel that Love that He gives me daily, but to dance with Him, to teach my child even now that He is SO good and that God sits with him (my son) as well. I keep praying that my son will remember him. You see, he was just there, in that place...somewhere..with God.
Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb...I knew you.
Where is that place of before womb? It's a question I've asked myself for a long time. Long before I even wanted children I realized there was a special intimate place where God KNEW me before I was even formed. Kinda blows my mind a bit. But it's true. He knew me..before... My number one goal in life is to get back to that place. The place of the known. As my forming in the womb took place I'm sure I remembered Him. But as the world and all that it offers started taking up space in my head and heart, I started to forget. But every once in awhile something will happen and God will remind me, there was a time.....
I want my son to remember. I don't want him to forget about that time with God. The time before. That is my #1 prayer for him. All other things fall into place when we remember.
Contentment is a strange thing. Some seasons God just has you wake up, go to work, grow a baby, come home, and thank Him for it. No drama, no striving, just contentment. And fun. And peace.
There is a sweet spot in that ride I was talking about that drew loves. If you push hard enough and long enough and everyone leans into one another the car starts to swirl and it continues to swirl for several trips around. That's the goal of the ride. To find the sweet spot. I think in my life, I'm in the sweet spot. It's fun, and it feels strange because even though the world is still going on around me, I'm on the ride. Closing my eyes, leaning, spinning, singing and enjoy the moment.
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