Day 3

Today is my mothers 71st birthday. :)  It's strange to think about her age and know I will never see her age to that. She's in a way better place which is great.  But I can't help but miss her.  I wonder what she would be feeling or saying to me during this season of my life.  I think she would be proud. I'm proud of her and the things she overcame in her life. The truth is, life isn't easy.  We all get dealt some unpleasant cards from time to time.  But mom found Jesus later in life and decided he could help her find her way.  She seemed more peaceful with him in her life.  She would babysit our good friends daughter sometimes and I remember her so badly wanting to be a grandmother. She would've been the best.  I would've had an amazing grandmother team with my mom and Sweet Lou. My kids would be spoiled to the max!  But again, each story is different and although mine wont have a physical Grandma Jane, my kids will know her and all the funny things she did. Happy Birthday mom. I hope to make you a grandma again this month. (grandbaby #8 - my siblings got the jump on me - haha)

Today was a CRAZY busy day. We woke up and Drew remembered he had to work early so we worked at home for an hour then went into work and the entire day was finished in a flash.  I guess that's a good thing. My morning shot (the one that doesn't hurt) hurt. So when Drew put the needle in I said, "OUCH!" and he proceeded to pull the needle out and have to poke me again.  UGH. He claims it wasn't in the first time, but it must have found a muscle or something cuz that one hurt pretty bad.  My head was still hurting from a migraine I got the day before so that didn't help either.  Our nurse Patti said the most important thing to remember during the shots is to breathe. I think she is right.  She said she's seen men fall on the ground because they forgot to breathe during the shots or when she takes blood.  I did get light headed and sit down for a minute. Drew brought me water. :) Tonights shot went great. No falling, no screaming (although drew told me to sit down 100 times and not to talk to him while he was mixing drugs)

It's hard to go 30 minutes without thinking about this process.  I don't want it to be on my mind 24/7.  But when doing something that could change your life forever, how can it not be on my mind? Every shot that I take is growing something that could be our first child. Every detail is dripping with God's Grace.  We have a friend who told me she had a dream about me being pregnant.  I was wondering when that would start.  Usually in these processes people will dream about us or our children.  They will get strong impressions from the Lord regarding Hope and Promises.  I'm getting used to it by now, so although I love them, I wont be hurt by them if this treatment doesn't work. God's vision is big.  I can't see what he sees.  I once described it as remembering when I was a child and looking up.  When we were at a restaurant and I looked up all I could see was the bottom part of the table.  It was nasty. It had dirt, grime and gum stuck to it.  I couldn't imagine eating on that table.  But I couldn't see the top.  I couldn't see the amazing meal that was spread out waiting for me. (yes, there were mashed potatoes).  My perspective was short sighted. There is more to the story then nasty gum on the bottom of an old table.

God sees more. So I wait for Him to pick me up and give me some mashed potatoes.