Night 8? 9? I dunno - (guest post by Drew)

Drew here, as your guest blogger for the night -

So… here we are. Night number something or other, and my wife asks me to post a little ditty to give y'all a bit of my perspective on all this. It's been a while since I've written anything and i'm feeling pretty rusty. But i will attempt to share some thoughts, some feelings, and hopefully a little perspective from "the dude" point of view.

I gotta admit, when we first decided to start this process, I was incredibly apprehensive. I've heard the horror stories about a wife going mental while on these shots; about how it's a total shock to her system and 'chemical rage' becomes the norm; fears about babies being born with 2 heads because of all the hormones; all of this stuff was a huge concern for us. Was this the right choice?

It's been 11 years on this journey, with lots of pain and heartache, and a ton of months filled with hope that never materializes. For the most part, this has been a bitter journey. i think the bitterness has come from not having a reason why this wasn't working. Every time we've journeyed into the world of doctors and ultrasounds and probes and appointments, we've always heard the same thing; "Well, we just don't know." There's a deep pain that comes with such a hopeless answer. Aren't they the experts? Shouldn't they be able to come up with a reason why this wasn't happening?

When we went in for our first consultation with Dr. B, we finally got a reason.

We've known for a while that my count is lower than normal (but hey, it only takes one, right?). Also, Kat has some endometriosis flaring up. Couple that with some lazy swimmers (apparently they like to do the dog paddle) and you've got yourself a rough go of things. Why? Well, apparently Kat's body, while trying to fight off the endometriosis, decides that everything that's not hers is an enemy. Since my guys are kinda floating along in an inner tube on a lazy river, sipping beers without a care in the world, they seem to be getting gunned down before reaching their final destination.

This revelation finally answered the question of why. it was a huge relief actually. It was no longer a mystery. And I personally felt like I could move forward. We left that office ready to start this leg of our journey, and, for the first time in a long while, I even had a bit of hope.

I'm realizing as we're going deeper into this process that this really isn't something most guys freely talk about. This whole "trying-to-get-your-wife-pregnant" thing is not too socially acceptable amongst the male crowd. And that's a shame really. Maybe it's this macho ideal that's been perpetuated for centuries, or some archetypal drive to prove oneself, but the bottom line is when things aren't going to plan, you tend to feel like a bit of a failure. This may come as a shock, but guys aren't too keen on talking about their failures - especially in the bedroom. It's sad though, because when you're thick in the middle of it all and feeling the weight of the world, and your future family, weighing on you, the one thing you need is for someone to tell you it's going to be ok, that you're not a failure, and that it will all work out.

Some guys aren't comfortable with the tough questions like, "Am I man enough?" and so they clam up and shut down. Personally, I'm quite vocal about our struggles. Why not be? For real, i got no shame. Not anymore. All that went away years ago. Heck, because of these past 11 years, i've got some killer stories (yes, that's stories plural) about me, a sterile plastic cup and a female receptionist who always seems to give the evil eye, that would make you laugh and cringe and laugh some more. But to be honest, there just isn't a ton of moral support out there for "the dude."

I am a fan of Twitter. I tend to gravitate towards its brevity and creativity. It's storytelling in 140 characters or less. Most of the people you'll see show up in my timeline are there because i find them particularly funny. It's good to get a quick laugh in now and then throughout the day. One of the guys i follow is Andy Lassner (@andylassner), the producer of The Ellen Show. This guy is quick and funny, and knows how to laugh at the awkwardness of life. One day I'm scrolling thru my feed and a tweet of Andy's comes up that says something like "Happy birthday to my 2 boys - from Mommy, Daddy and your IVF Doctor" - First, it made me laugh. Second, it reminded me that other guys have gone thru this thing. A LOT of other guys. I wanted to let him know i appreciated his post, and that we were about to start IVF as well. My post to him became a conversation between us, with an open door to message him with any questions I might have.

I messaged him, telling him how nervous i was, how it was uncharted territory for us both, and that I was just plain scared. He wrote back 3 words that really changed me:

"You got this."

So simple and remedial, but really struck a deep chord in my heart. Here's some stranger, a producer on some show, who doesn't know me from a rock, and he merely says "You got this." And i knew right away he was right. I could do this. WE could do this. It's scary and uncertain, and expensive, but we could do it! He and I have talked a few more times since then (he, like several of you, is offering prayers up for us). And it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

I'm not the first husband to give shots to his wife. I'm not the first to have a low sperm count. I'm not the first to drive from appointment to appointment that end without any answers. I'm not the first to ache to provide the desires of my wife's heart, as well as for mine. I'm not the first to feel inadequate. And I'm definitely not the first to be scared as hell, but excited for things to come, either!

We've had a rough go over the last 11 years, but i wouldn't change any bit of it. I know that beauty DOES come from ashes, and joy DOES come in the morning. I know that anything good is worth fighting for. I'm honored to be able to mix my wife's nightly "cocktails" and experience this with her. I'm honored that we could save up thousands of dollars to be able to do this, and that God has been the provider of it all for us. I have really wrestled with the money aspect, by the way. It seems so selfish to use this money on ourselves when there are so many people out there who need money, who could benefit from it all. I know we could do so many things for the Kingdom with this cash. I struggled a lot with it, and kept asking God if this was okay for us to do. I would pray, "God, are you sure this is right? I mean, we could use this money to do so much good in the world, to bring honor to Your name, and really make a big investment in the Kingdom!" His reply to me was, "That's exactly what you're doing."

It's going to be good. It's going to be okay. And it's going to bring a lot of people a lot of joy. So, here's my lengthy post - all about fear and hope and semen analysis and Twitter. And an end to another day of shots and anticipation.

It's true what they say, ya know.

 

We got this. : )