Last day

So tomorrow is my last day of being on the pill.  It's strange to think that after 12 years of trying to have children I've been taking the pill for over 30 days. HA! But it's really for the doctors to be able to control my ovulation etc. so I get it.

Today I ordered my "it costs as much as a used car" baby making medication. I went over it 10 times with the nice lady- Wendy.  I kept saying, "I'm sorry, can you spell that again" and "Now how many viles of that am I getting?" She kept repeating it over and over but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening. She went on to explain that I have no return policy and I also have only 72 hours to make sure my order is right and I'm not missing something. (I DID hear that part) The truth is it's really scary to me.  When I made the call to place the order I was shaking.  I actually hung up and had to call again.  No, this is not when I placed the order, that was last week.  I've had the order on hold to the very last minute just in case.  In case of what? I'm not really sure.  I hung up the phone and started crying.

I told Drew I was PMSing.  He reminded me I was on the pill and my body doesn't know when that will stop so it probably wasn't PMS.  I told him to shut up.  haha, but I guess he's probably right. I don't remember how the pill works. It's been awhile.

When I think about the process of taking shots, one in the morning, one at night...I don't feel scared. I know Drew is going to do most of that and let's be honest, he's pretty smart. Thank God!  I would be mixing meds with who knows what! I don't know how some women do it alone.  I know we get to a place where we hurt so bad we will do anything to fill that gap inside us.  I don't really have a huge gap.  I have a longing... a yearning... for family...but not a gap, meaning I don't feel empty. I just feel like something is missing.  

So it's done. Ordered. No going back now.  Meds show up on Wednesday but probably wont need them until next week.  3 deep breaths. It's going to be ok.

The people that Hope, Win.

Past my bedtime for tonight. Sweet Dreams to us all.