Dear mom,
I know it's strange for me to write since I believe you know all of the things happening in my life, but today I just can't get you off my mind. I miss you. My amazing mother in law came this weekend to help us put together the nursery. I know you would've wanted to help with that too, but let's be honest, we would've had way more fun just dreaming about the nursery then actually putting it together. :)
As I sit here tonight missing you I looked at the almost finished nursery and started crying. Besides wishing that you were here to celebrate with us, it's hard to see all of the amazing gifts I've been given and realize they are for a child that is in my womb. One that will soon be arriving and then come home with me to live...forever. Well, at least till he's 18ish. But he will always be God's and he will always be mine. From the moment he was released from Heaven he was a part of my heart. I kinda feel like God let you meet him already. Maybe you sent a kiss for me through him. I hope he laughs like you. I hope I can make his childhood fun like you made mine. I know things weren't perfect, but despite a challenging upbringing the most memories I have are good. That was because you made them that way. We never seemed to go anywhere, but we always had fun with what God gave us.
I don't remember if I had a nursery. I've seen no pictures and if I had to guess I would say I didn't. And that's ok, I know I was loved. No nursery is required.
The baby is hiccuping right now. I can feel him moving to the rhythm of the beat. He squirms a bit. He's kind of a squirmer. He was that way even when he was 9 weeks old! It's a miracle that I can even know that but his ultrasound showed his newly formed leg kicking. Even my Dr. was amazed. This baby has greatness in him. He has God in him giving him strength and life. He is destined to do amazing things for the Lord.
And he's so cute. It's amazing how I can fall in love with someone I've never met. He is the closest he will ever be to my heart. Just sitting a few inches below it, sharing my blood, my food, my emotion, my spirit in a way. I wish you were here to see my morphing body. When I see myself in the mirror I stop every time and just stare. I look so....not like me. It's like I'm looking into a dream that I had years ago and I can't get my head to believe that this is ME. But it IS me. This miracle in my womb. I make myself another spinach smoothie to give nutrients to this baby that I know, has to be mine. It's real, but not real. But tonight, looking at the nursery room, this seems to really be happening.
Even though you've been a grandma 7 times now, it's strange to think of you as being a grandma to my baby. (grand baby #8!) I know you would love all of the kiddos the same. They are all amazing. Even the ones we don't see very often. I know you would've made the baby something special. I know you would've loved to have gone to all the showers and just been so excited. The family shower was fun. All of your siblings were so generous to us. I'm so thankful to have them all in my life. And the shower was beautiful of course.
I wish you could come to tomorrows shower. So many people that I love and that have supported me the last few years will be there. This group of ladies have become like a second family to me. They have prayed over us, fed us, given us gifts, had dreams of our baby, encouraged us and just loved us unconditionally as we were in our waiting field. And now we celebrate! I could never express how thankful I am to the group that will be there tomorrow. I pray God will show me mercy and I will remember all their names as I've been struggling with that lately even with super close friends.
I'm sorry that you had to leave here 22 years ago today. But I know you are in the BEST place possible. Life moves forward as it must. You are never forgotten or overlooked in my heart. My kids will know you. We will tell your stories and talk about your heart for people. I will teach them to have that heart as Drew has it too. It's in our heritage. I'm so thankful.
I pray that we also have dad's heart of fun. I think that's probably why you both fell in love. Many times I remember laughing at you and dad. He was silly at times and a good sport when we would tease him about stuff.
I'm going to try to get some sleep now. It's been a long day and as memories come and hormones rise it's only going to get harder to get rest. Another big day tomorrow. I need to sleep and rest up. I'm excited to spend time with friends and family. And to go to church since I haven't been able to go in over a month. God is so good to me. Overly blessed.
I'm thankful that you loved me. I'm thankful to be your daughter. I'm thankful to be in love with an amazing man and to have his son. He's moving all around now trying to find room to stretch. Running out of room quickly but that doesn't stop him from trying. I love it.
I wish that you didn't have to leave so soon, but I'm thankful to have God who works out all good things for those that love Him. He has and continues to work out good things. Very good things. He's given me not just one, but several second mothers. Never to replace you, but always to enhance and bring joy, wisdom and love to my life in ways that you no longer can. But all of that is ok. Because God loves me that much. And I know that's what you would want. You might even have had some sort of say in it all. That wouldn't surprise me one bit. haha.
Ok, good night, sweet dreams. I miss you terribly. I love you more than words.
your daughter ~
kathlene
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
baggy eyes, bounty & blessing
What a week!
I started the week hoping for they next day's night to come so I could go to bed early and catch up on sleep, but it seemed for whatever reason everyday there was something else to keep me up late. This brought me to Thursday when we left early to drive to Lansing for our last onetimeblind program before we have the baby. I didn't really think about it until I got to the church. I felt very tired, but I was excited to share with the jr. high students. It was a little challenging for me as we showed up on day 4 of a 6 day camp and so it's very hard to connect with the kids when you just pop in and out. They don't know who we are and frankly, they don't care. They don't really want to know us when we just show up in the middle of what they've been doing. I totally get that. I tried to talk to a few girls, but they were clearly not interested. Our program went well, but the kids seemed tired and very unresponsive. We know not to judge the audience by their response as God is always working despite what we see. After the program several accepted Christ and most of the audience when up front to rededicate and stand back up to love God and live for him. It was amazing to join in a weeks worth of ministry and see God work in the lives of these kids. A blessed last program.
When we were setting up our table we saw the band table that was next to us. When I went over to see what things they had I saw this amazing coffee cup. I didn't even know what to say. In 18 years of traveling I've NEVER seen a band sell anything about pregnancy, let alone something that says, "I'm pregnant and I know it". It was like God said,
"Here you are at your last program before the babe comes and there is no more denying My Word. Your pregnant belly and the tiredness you feel is evidence that My Word spoken comes into being at My Kingdom time. Just look at you! Look at what I've given you! JOY!!! Joy in the womb! Love in the womb! Hope in your womb! Promise in your womb! And this is just the beginning. I've shown myself to you over and over and I will continue to show not only you, but your son Who I am. This is so very good."
I just felt like God wanted me to know once again how much He loves me. He shows up in the most amazing ways. He is awesome. For real.
After this wonderful night, I was tired with bags hanging on my face and a sweaty body. I knew I had to get up the next morning early and then drive to GR for shower #2! I was so excited to go, but so tired at the same time. It made me nervous to know I was going into the weekend this way but I just prayed that God would protect me and give me the strength.
I woke up and had to go find a few gifts to give to the people that were helping with the shower. Which btw is not the easiest thing to do I discovered. lol. We got to Drew's mom's house and everything was already decorated. She was - I don't even know the word to use. If any of you have met drew's mom, she's one of the most incredible women I know. There is no word to describe her energy level and love for living a fun filled life. She is always blessing people with her joyous smile and attitude. If I have ANY issue or problem I know she will immediately try to help me in any way she can. I am overly blessed to have her and the rest of Drews family in my life. So--she's a bit excited that after so long of waiting her son is having a son. :) And all of her friends and family are also excited. It was so amazing to watch her and step-daughter have a literal dance party the night before the shower. If I wasn't so busy recording and being tired I would've joined in. They were so excited for the shower and were having so much fun!!!! I LOVED it and even drew's step-dad joined in singing and dancing for a bit. Best memories.
I slept pretty good but woke about 4:30 as drew couldn't breathe very well. He was having an allergic reaction and his soft pallet was swollen and causing him to have trouble breathing. I've never seen drew freak out like this before. He was pretty scared. He eventually went to the hospital and they gave him meds and he was much better within hours. He wouldn't let me or anyone else go with him, so I laid down and text him and waited until he was feeling ok and then I went back to sleep for about an hour. SO thankful Drew was ok. He got back and rested for a bit and then visited some friends for the afternoon.
More people came than what we expected - what a blessing! It was an open house so basically people could come whenever they wanted and I would talk to them for a bit and then open their gift before they left. The decorations were a mix of my old baby stuff, Drew's old baby stuff and new clever ideas. It was so beautiful and fun! All of the salads were made by family and everything was delicious! As you can see in the pics they did a lot!
I was SO excited and honored because both of drew's cousins came to the shower. This was HUGE to me as I know it was a sacrifice for them to be there. One cousin flew in from Oklahoma and the other had just got back from an amazing trip to Turkey! It made for such a great day.
Sadly I forgot to get a picture with them. But I did get one of them talking to drew. :)
This week = 4 days of work with Thursday having an ultrasound! SO EXCITED! I can't wait to see this little guy. He's moving so much and I love him more than I could explain. I hope we get pictures again. We will see. THEN, next weekend shower #3 with my family up north. I CAN'T WAIT!!! My sister will be there and lots of aunts and cousins. It's going to be SO fun! And I'm for sure getting more sleep this week. What an amazingly fun July!
I started the week hoping for they next day's night to come so I could go to bed early and catch up on sleep, but it seemed for whatever reason everyday there was something else to keep me up late. This brought me to Thursday when we left early to drive to Lansing for our last onetimeblind program before we have the baby. I didn't really think about it until I got to the church. I felt very tired, but I was excited to share with the jr. high students. It was a little challenging for me as we showed up on day 4 of a 6 day camp and so it's very hard to connect with the kids when you just pop in and out. They don't know who we are and frankly, they don't care. They don't really want to know us when we just show up in the middle of what they've been doing. I totally get that. I tried to talk to a few girls, but they were clearly not interested. Our program went well, but the kids seemed tired and very unresponsive. We know not to judge the audience by their response as God is always working despite what we see. After the program several accepted Christ and most of the audience when up front to rededicate and stand back up to love God and live for him. It was amazing to join in a weeks worth of ministry and see God work in the lives of these kids. A blessed last program.
When we were setting up our table we saw the band table that was next to us. When I went over to see what things they had I saw this amazing coffee cup. I didn't even know what to say. In 18 years of traveling I've NEVER seen a band sell anything about pregnancy, let alone something that says, "I'm pregnant and I know it". It was like God said,"Here you are at your last program before the babe comes and there is no more denying My Word. Your pregnant belly and the tiredness you feel is evidence that My Word spoken comes into being at My Kingdom time. Just look at you! Look at what I've given you! JOY!!! Joy in the womb! Love in the womb! Hope in your womb! Promise in your womb! And this is just the beginning. I've shown myself to you over and over and I will continue to show not only you, but your son Who I am. This is so very good."
I just felt like God wanted me to know once again how much He loves me. He shows up in the most amazing ways. He is awesome. For real.
After this wonderful night, I was tired with bags hanging on my face and a sweaty body. I knew I had to get up the next morning early and then drive to GR for shower #2! I was so excited to go, but so tired at the same time. It made me nervous to know I was going into the weekend this way but I just prayed that God would protect me and give me the strength.
I woke up and had to go find a few gifts to give to the people that were helping with the shower. Which btw is not the easiest thing to do I discovered. lol. We got to Drew's mom's house and everything was already decorated. She was - I don't even know the word to use. If any of you have met drew's mom, she's one of the most incredible women I know. There is no word to describe her energy level and love for living a fun filled life. She is always blessing people with her joyous smile and attitude. If I have ANY issue or problem I know she will immediately try to help me in any way she can. I am overly blessed to have her and the rest of Drews family in my life. So--she's a bit excited that after so long of waiting her son is having a son. :) And all of her friends and family are also excited. It was so amazing to watch her and step-daughter have a literal dance party the night before the shower. If I wasn't so busy recording and being tired I would've joined in. They were so excited for the shower and were having so much fun!!!! I LOVED it and even drew's step-dad joined in singing and dancing for a bit. Best memories.
I slept pretty good but woke about 4:30 as drew couldn't breathe very well. He was having an allergic reaction and his soft pallet was swollen and causing him to have trouble breathing. I've never seen drew freak out like this before. He was pretty scared. He eventually went to the hospital and they gave him meds and he was much better within hours. He wouldn't let me or anyone else go with him, so I laid down and text him and waited until he was feeling ok and then I went back to sleep for about an hour. SO thankful Drew was ok. He got back and rested for a bit and then visited some friends for the afternoon.
I was exhausted, but got up and ready for the shower. What an amazing time!
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| favors, old baby toys and food! |
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| Drew's mom's doll was wearing the outfit drew wore on the way home from the hospital when he was born. The yellow blanket was my baby blanket, the other was one that Granny made Drew. love it. |
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| more favors, baby pics, drew's shoes and my tea set |
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| Friends from my past! |
More people came than what we expected - what a blessing! It was an open house so basically people could come whenever they wanted and I would talk to them for a bit and then open their gift before they left. The decorations were a mix of my old baby stuff, Drew's old baby stuff and new clever ideas. It was so beautiful and fun! All of the salads were made by family and everything was delicious! As you can see in the pics they did a lot!
I was SO excited and honored because both of drew's cousins came to the shower. This was HUGE to me as I know it was a sacrifice for them to be there. One cousin flew in from Oklahoma and the other had just got back from an amazing trip to Turkey! It made for such a great day.
 |
| The amazing cousins Janine & Joni! |
Sadly I forgot to get a picture with them. But I did get one of them talking to drew. :)
I did a lot of talking (which I loved haha) and not so much drinking water, which proved to be bad later. I didn't eat much either which honestly I wasn't that hungry. (note to self: eat anyways) After being overly blessed the party started winding down. I started getting strange cramps in my right side and I figured it was because of feeling so tired. We went through all the gifts and drew packed the car. We started for home around 9. Drew had a canoe trip the next day so we had to go home that night. As we drove the pain got a bit worse but I wasn't nervous. I just didn't like the pain. When I would stand the pain would go away. That part was strange. I called my dr. just to make sure things were ok, and she thought I was just dehydrated and tired (which was true) and I could stop at the hospital when we got closer to home and they would hook me up to monitors to check the baby etc. But honestly, I felt like everything was ok and that I was just tired. I text a close friend whose a doula and asked her opinion too. She told me to drink as much water as I could and try to lay on the opposite side that hurt. I did this and the pain started going away! Then I fell asleep for about an hour and we were home. I was feeling much better. And I was thankful for everyone who loves me. And I feel thankful for God giving me a wise doctor who is available at 10pm and a wise friend who loves me. And I'm thankful for God's Peace that He continues to give me. He's so awesome.
This week = 4 days of work with Thursday having an ultrasound! SO EXCITED! I can't wait to see this little guy. He's moving so much and I love him more than I could explain. I hope we get pictures again. We will see. THEN, next weekend shower #3 with my family up north. I CAN'T WAIT!!! My sister will be there and lots of aunts and cousins. It's going to be SO fun! And I'm for sure getting more sleep this week. What an amazingly fun July!
Friday, July 05, 2013
Enjoying the ride
Have you ever been to the fair and ridden one of those rides where you have to sit in a cup looking thing and it goes in a circle while you try to turn the medal bar to make yourself go in an opposite circle? I can't seem to remember the name of that ride, but it's one of drew's favorites.
I was thinking this morning about how much I love the Lord. I mean, if I could, I probably would quit my job and devote my life to reading, praying, singing, journaling and sitting in and around His presence. I love to know more about Him. I long to be with Him. I wish so much that life could be as it should be and all would be well in the world. I know this isn't totally possible yet, but it is where my heart longs to be. I realized yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now.
One of my God-mama's told me to pray at the beginning of this pregnancy and ask God what my little one would have a craving for. She said each of her pregnancies were different. One of them she craved the Word and read it constantly. That child is a thinker. He loves Gods word and as an adult he loves knowledge and teaching. Another of her children she had prophetic dreams and words a lot. Now as an adult, that child has the same thing. So I was praying, "God, what would you have for my child". I would read the bible with intent trying to make it into a craving. I would sit and worship really wanting to be caught up in God's presence. I would fall asleep asking for dreams that were connections between Heaven and Earth. But sadly, I felt silence from Him.
Silence, but not absence. There's a huge difference there. I TOTALLY feel God in my life. I see His favor. I know His protection over me and sense His Joy covering me like the cloud in the dessert. But no specifics. I've been praying about what to name the baby.....no answers, yet. I've been mostly thanking God for another day of life and for keeping me healthy, for blessing us abundantly in this season. I don't feel passion, which always bothers me. I want to feel passionate about Him, His word, His voice, His smell, the way He teaches me and speaks to me in the deep place of my heart. But in this season there isn't much of that. I call out to Him, not in needing anything but Him. I just long to be in His goodness. To not only feel that Love that He gives me daily, but to dance with Him, to teach my child even now that He is SO good and that God sits with him (my son) as well. I keep praying that my son will remember him. You see, he was just there, in that place...somewhere..with God.
Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb...I knew you.
Where is that place of before womb? It's a question I've asked myself for a long time. Long before I even wanted children I realized there was a special intimate place where God KNEW me before I was even formed. Kinda blows my mind a bit. But it's true. He knew me..before... My number one goal in life is to get back to that place. The place of the known. As my forming in the womb took place I'm sure I remembered Him. But as the world and all that it offers started taking up space in my head and heart, I started to forget. But every once in awhile something will happen and God will remind me, there was a time.....
I want my son to remember. I don't want him to forget about that time with God. The time before. That is my #1 prayer for him. All other things fall into place when we remember.
Contentment is a strange thing. Some seasons God just has you wake up, go to work, grow a baby, come home, and thank Him for it. No drama, no striving, just contentment. And fun. And peace.
There is a sweet spot in that ride I was talking about that drew loves. If you push hard enough and long enough and everyone leans into one another the car starts to swirl and it continues to swirl for several trips around. That's the goal of the ride. To find the sweet spot. I think in my life, I'm in the sweet spot. It's fun, and it feels strange because even though the world is still going on around me, I'm on the ride. Closing my eyes, leaning, spinning, singing and enjoy the moment.
I was thinking this morning about how much I love the Lord. I mean, if I could, I probably would quit my job and devote my life to reading, praying, singing, journaling and sitting in and around His presence. I love to know more about Him. I long to be with Him. I wish so much that life could be as it should be and all would be well in the world. I know this isn't totally possible yet, but it is where my heart longs to be. I realized yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now.
One of my God-mama's told me to pray at the beginning of this pregnancy and ask God what my little one would have a craving for. She said each of her pregnancies were different. One of them she craved the Word and read it constantly. That child is a thinker. He loves Gods word and as an adult he loves knowledge and teaching. Another of her children she had prophetic dreams and words a lot. Now as an adult, that child has the same thing. So I was praying, "God, what would you have for my child". I would read the bible with intent trying to make it into a craving. I would sit and worship really wanting to be caught up in God's presence. I would fall asleep asking for dreams that were connections between Heaven and Earth. But sadly, I felt silence from Him.
Silence, but not absence. There's a huge difference there. I TOTALLY feel God in my life. I see His favor. I know His protection over me and sense His Joy covering me like the cloud in the dessert. But no specifics. I've been praying about what to name the baby.....no answers, yet. I've been mostly thanking God for another day of life and for keeping me healthy, for blessing us abundantly in this season. I don't feel passion, which always bothers me. I want to feel passionate about Him, His word, His voice, His smell, the way He teaches me and speaks to me in the deep place of my heart. But in this season there isn't much of that. I call out to Him, not in needing anything but Him. I just long to be in His goodness. To not only feel that Love that He gives me daily, but to dance with Him, to teach my child even now that He is SO good and that God sits with him (my son) as well. I keep praying that my son will remember him. You see, he was just there, in that place...somewhere..with God.
Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb...I knew you.
Where is that place of before womb? It's a question I've asked myself for a long time. Long before I even wanted children I realized there was a special intimate place where God KNEW me before I was even formed. Kinda blows my mind a bit. But it's true. He knew me..before... My number one goal in life is to get back to that place. The place of the known. As my forming in the womb took place I'm sure I remembered Him. But as the world and all that it offers started taking up space in my head and heart, I started to forget. But every once in awhile something will happen and God will remind me, there was a time.....
I want my son to remember. I don't want him to forget about that time with God. The time before. That is my #1 prayer for him. All other things fall into place when we remember.
Contentment is a strange thing. Some seasons God just has you wake up, go to work, grow a baby, come home, and thank Him for it. No drama, no striving, just contentment. And fun. And peace.
There is a sweet spot in that ride I was talking about that drew loves. If you push hard enough and long enough and everyone leans into one another the car starts to swirl and it continues to swirl for several trips around. That's the goal of the ride. To find the sweet spot. I think in my life, I'm in the sweet spot. It's fun, and it feels strange because even though the world is still going on around me, I'm on the ride. Closing my eyes, leaning, spinning, singing and enjoy the moment.
Monday, July 01, 2013
It's my birthday?
I love my birthday. So much! Every year I look forward to enjoying a day of doing whatever I want including drinking Carmel Macchiato's, eating banana splits and just having fun. However, this year I totally forgot it was my birthday. Last week I remembered for a minute and then told Drew I really didn't want anything. (so he got me a bag full of gifts, just like him ;) ) It has been a strange feeling not thinking about my birthday. But not strange bad because I really have been thinking about the baby. He's moving so much and I've just been trying to take care of him.
We had our first baby shower this weekend. It was super fun but a few glitches.
I discovered last week that some of my invites didn't get sent (because they were on my table - UGH) and some of the evites had the wrong emails. I didn't think to check them until Saturday and then of course it was too late. I really feel frustrated because it's like my brain doesn't work the same anymore. People would always say pregnancy makes your brain go away, but I really didn't think that was true. I'm starting to believe it. Once I discovered there were people who didn't get invites, I was so sad and it made for a very emotional Saturday. I woke up and Drew asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. I wasn't even sure why I was feeling so sad, but I think I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated. Overwhelmed because I was about to have my first baby shower (the next day) and I never thought I would have a baby shower. I don't even like baby showers. I'm not really a baby lover. I gotta be honest, they are cute, but they are scary! They are little and they poop and sleep and cry. And did I mention they are little? And that I will be responsible for a little human being? And we have to pick a name for him still? That is some scary stuff! I also started missing my mom and wishing she was here. I was so upset about a few of my closest friends not getting the invite and me not being able to do anything about it. sigh...I was hormonal.
That night some of my favorite people, the Bystrom Family, came to stay the night for the next day party. I was so thankful. They have a way of making me smile, laugh and feel good about life. It was a blessing in so many ways to have them here. The next day we all got up and Drew made yummy french toast. Then we went over and got ready for the shower. I tried to block out those of my friends that didn't get the invite and just enjoy the day.
And it was a beautiful day! We were so blessed by the love from friends and family that 'showered' us with beautiful gifts. It was strange opening up gifts of onesies and diapers. I kept thinking, "what am I going to do with this stuff?". And then I would think, oh yeah, we are having a baby. I sort of still felt in shock about this baby thing I think.
I sit here tonight on my 41st birthday after a day of work feeling so tired and happy, looking at all of these amazing baby gifts that people have given us. I will go through them again this week. I was going to do it tonight, but I'm so tired. I'm excited for this week though. Wednesday I get to have dinner with several of my best friends, Thursday Drew and I are going to Stratford Canada for our "babymoon" and to celebrate my birthday. We are only going for the night which is going to be perfect. We will be home for the weekend which will be so nice to just chill together on a part stay-cation.
I also had a baby appt today. We are up to 2 week visits. All was good. :) She said I look good and everything is going perfect. I'm SO thankful. 2 weeks and we get an ultrasound. My dr does a 3rd trimester ultrasound just to check the size of the baby. I'm SO excited to see that sweet face again. God is so good.
Here are a few pics from Shower #1!
We had our first baby shower this weekend. It was super fun but a few glitches.
I discovered last week that some of my invites didn't get sent (because they were on my table - UGH) and some of the evites had the wrong emails. I didn't think to check them until Saturday and then of course it was too late. I really feel frustrated because it's like my brain doesn't work the same anymore. People would always say pregnancy makes your brain go away, but I really didn't think that was true. I'm starting to believe it. Once I discovered there were people who didn't get invites, I was so sad and it made for a very emotional Saturday. I woke up and Drew asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. I wasn't even sure why I was feeling so sad, but I think I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated. Overwhelmed because I was about to have my first baby shower (the next day) and I never thought I would have a baby shower. I don't even like baby showers. I'm not really a baby lover. I gotta be honest, they are cute, but they are scary! They are little and they poop and sleep and cry. And did I mention they are little? And that I will be responsible for a little human being? And we have to pick a name for him still? That is some scary stuff! I also started missing my mom and wishing she was here. I was so upset about a few of my closest friends not getting the invite and me not being able to do anything about it. sigh...I was hormonal.
That night some of my favorite people, the Bystrom Family, came to stay the night for the next day party. I was so thankful. They have a way of making me smile, laugh and feel good about life. It was a blessing in so many ways to have them here. The next day we all got up and Drew made yummy french toast. Then we went over and got ready for the shower. I tried to block out those of my friends that didn't get the invite and just enjoy the day.
And it was a beautiful day! We were so blessed by the love from friends and family that 'showered' us with beautiful gifts. It was strange opening up gifts of onesies and diapers. I kept thinking, "what am I going to do with this stuff?". And then I would think, oh yeah, we are having a baby. I sort of still felt in shock about this baby thing I think.
I sit here tonight on my 41st birthday after a day of work feeling so tired and happy, looking at all of these amazing baby gifts that people have given us. I will go through them again this week. I was going to do it tonight, but I'm so tired. I'm excited for this week though. Wednesday I get to have dinner with several of my best friends, Thursday Drew and I are going to Stratford Canada for our "babymoon" and to celebrate my birthday. We are only going for the night which is going to be perfect. We will be home for the weekend which will be so nice to just chill together on a part stay-cation.
I also had a baby appt today. We are up to 2 week visits. All was good. :) She said I look good and everything is going perfect. I'm SO thankful. 2 weeks and we get an ultrasound. My dr does a 3rd trimester ultrasound just to check the size of the baby. I'm SO excited to see that sweet face again. God is so good.
Here are a few pics from Shower #1!
Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm that girl
A strange thing is happening to me. Now that I'm almost 30 weeks (YES-- 30! Can you even believe it?!?! God is SO good!) a strange thing is starting to happen. People are stopping and looking.
I've decided I don't think I look "big" but as my dr. explained it to me, she said most people only know 3 different stages of pregnancy.
1. Not pregnant.
2. Maybe pregnant.
3. Ready to give birth.
She said the time in between early pregnant and giving birth is different for everyone and when you finally "pop" out and your belly looks like a pregnant belly, most people think its time for you to give birth. This is why people ask me "when are you due?" and when I tell them September they get this horrified look on their face as if they want to scream "OH NO! YOUR BABY IS GOING TO BE ADULT SIZE BY THEN!". But they just smile instead and say, "Oh! Good luck!". :-/
For the past month people have said those things to me. Or the famous, "Are you SURE you're not having twins or triplets?". Yes, I'm sure. I wish I was, but alas, I'm not. I just have a big womb baby belly with one awesome little guy and I'm so thankful for him! But people don't really know that those phrases make pregnant women crazy. I think some of those women who say them just have forgotten what it was like to be 7 months pregnant and feel like your body is not your own.
But this week, something has changed. This week I feel people...staring....
I was thinking it might have been because of the tighter shirt I was wearing that really showed off that bump I've been waiting for. I walked into a party last Saturday and a crowd gathered around me. All so excited about the baby. I figured it was because my bump was really sticking out. But today I wore a black shirt with a light jacket over it. Black is slimming and I could barely tell I was pregnant with that jacket. I walked into a restaurant and LITERALLY people stopped eating to look at me. All were women. All were smiling. One lady even turned around and looked right at me and smiled because her friend must have said, "Look at that pregnant lady!". I heard another lady whisper something to her friend and then they both looked at me and smiled. It was weird. I felt like I was famous or something. The truth is, pregnant people are cute. I wouldn't have said I was a cute pregnant person, but I did have on a cute skirt. ;) Baby bumps are cute. It's true. Everyone wants to see them, smile at them and yes, touch them. I let people touch my bump because they just stand with the biggest smile looking at it. Like their heart might burst if they don't just...touch it! I think that part is funny.
I remember looking at pregnant people and thinking they were so cute. I never wanted to touch the belly though. That was just me. But it is an amazing thing that is taking place within me. Third Trimester. My body continues to change and it's hard for me to keep up with the changes.
Drew actually got nervous last night when I was sleeping because the baby was moving so much. I told him that was normal and right now he has a lot of room so he's taking advantage! Every day he moves a ton and I can tell he's getting bigger. I can feel his movement from the right side of my body and then the left. I feel him high above and then very low. He moves and it makes me have to pee. Even though I just peed 2 minutes ago. I can't decide if it's his little hands or his little feet that I feel on my bladder, but I know it's something! And even though these new movements cause me to have strange pains, I love every one of them.
I dreamed last night (while he was moving I'm sure) that he was upset and I was trying to calm him down while he was in my womb. Then one second later he was outside of my womb and I was holding him and kissing him to calm him. But only he was now a girl. Laura as there and I was showing her how cute he was. Then Kelly (and I) rode the airport in a flying Vista. That's pretty much where it ended. I think I woke to pee after that.
My first shower is this weekend! I can't believe it's shower season already. Praying for no rain and lots of laughs. It's a pretty chill party so it should be fun! I can't wait to see everyone.
Next week Monday is my next baby appointment. ~ July 1st ~ BIRTHDAY! I would have never in a million years guessed that I would be pregnant for my 41st birthday. This is a crazy ride God has us on. Always surprising and always so very fun. I am blessed!
I've decided I don't think I look "big" but as my dr. explained it to me, she said most people only know 3 different stages of pregnancy.
1. Not pregnant.
2. Maybe pregnant.
3. Ready to give birth.
She said the time in between early pregnant and giving birth is different for everyone and when you finally "pop" out and your belly looks like a pregnant belly, most people think its time for you to give birth. This is why people ask me "when are you due?" and when I tell them September they get this horrified look on their face as if they want to scream "OH NO! YOUR BABY IS GOING TO BE ADULT SIZE BY THEN!". But they just smile instead and say, "Oh! Good luck!". :-/
For the past month people have said those things to me. Or the famous, "Are you SURE you're not having twins or triplets?". Yes, I'm sure. I wish I was, but alas, I'm not. I just have a big womb baby belly with one awesome little guy and I'm so thankful for him! But people don't really know that those phrases make pregnant women crazy. I think some of those women who say them just have forgotten what it was like to be 7 months pregnant and feel like your body is not your own.
But this week, something has changed. This week I feel people...staring....
I was thinking it might have been because of the tighter shirt I was wearing that really showed off that bump I've been waiting for. I walked into a party last Saturday and a crowd gathered around me. All so excited about the baby. I figured it was because my bump was really sticking out. But today I wore a black shirt with a light jacket over it. Black is slimming and I could barely tell I was pregnant with that jacket. I walked into a restaurant and LITERALLY people stopped eating to look at me. All were women. All were smiling. One lady even turned around and looked right at me and smiled because her friend must have said, "Look at that pregnant lady!". I heard another lady whisper something to her friend and then they both looked at me and smiled. It was weird. I felt like I was famous or something. The truth is, pregnant people are cute. I wouldn't have said I was a cute pregnant person, but I did have on a cute skirt. ;) Baby bumps are cute. It's true. Everyone wants to see them, smile at them and yes, touch them. I let people touch my bump because they just stand with the biggest smile looking at it. Like their heart might burst if they don't just...touch it! I think that part is funny.
I remember looking at pregnant people and thinking they were so cute. I never wanted to touch the belly though. That was just me. But it is an amazing thing that is taking place within me. Third Trimester. My body continues to change and it's hard for me to keep up with the changes.
Drew actually got nervous last night when I was sleeping because the baby was moving so much. I told him that was normal and right now he has a lot of room so he's taking advantage! Every day he moves a ton and I can tell he's getting bigger. I can feel his movement from the right side of my body and then the left. I feel him high above and then very low. He moves and it makes me have to pee. Even though I just peed 2 minutes ago. I can't decide if it's his little hands or his little feet that I feel on my bladder, but I know it's something! And even though these new movements cause me to have strange pains, I love every one of them.
I dreamed last night (while he was moving I'm sure) that he was upset and I was trying to calm him down while he was in my womb. Then one second later he was outside of my womb and I was holding him and kissing him to calm him. But only he was now a girl. Laura as there and I was showing her how cute he was. Then Kelly (and I) rode the airport in a flying Vista. That's pretty much where it ended. I think I woke to pee after that.
My first shower is this weekend! I can't believe it's shower season already. Praying for no rain and lots of laughs. It's a pretty chill party so it should be fun! I can't wait to see everyone.
Next week Monday is my next baby appointment. ~ July 1st ~ BIRTHDAY! I would have never in a million years guessed that I would be pregnant for my 41st birthday. This is a crazy ride God has us on. Always surprising and always so very fun. I am blessed!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
prayers for a friend
Today is a sad day for a few of my friends. Please take a moment and say a prayer of strength and peace over them.
When I first started to go to our church, Rochester First Assembly, I was invited to go to an infertility group that was meeting there. I decided to go and check it out. We met at a girls house and her name was Amanda Jones. There were several girls at this meeting and we all shared our stories and encouraged each other in our journey towards family and motherhood. Several months after that meeting Amanda got pregnant. It was a miracle. The dr.'s had told her she would never have kids and they were getting ready to do foster care in hopes to adopt one day. After having a beautiful boy she surprisingly got pregnant again! And then after her 2nd child was born again she found herself with child! This time it was a girl. This past week she gave birth to that little girl, 7 weeks early. She wasn't breathing well and the dr's discovered that little baby Hannah was born with a very rare disease where she had too much calcium in her arteries and in a matter of days it would destroy her. Our whole church and many others prayed for baby Hannah, but she went back to God to be with Him today. Miracle turned to tragedy. My heart breaks.
I can't imagine her pain.
I can't imagine her confusion.
I just can't imagine.
In times like these where my heart breaks for a friend, I wonder what's going on in this world. Why do we live in a place where bad things happen even to good people. Why did God not answer our prayers? The prayers of hundreds! Could we have changed His mind? Did He have control over this? I used to ask these same questions of my own personal tragedies. Wondering why God didn't step in and stop the circumstances that killed my parents. I felt like God could do anything, so why did He choose to be silent that day? Why did He choose to be silent today? These questions are hard and linger for so long with no answers.
I've heard too many of these stories like Amanda's of children leaving us way to soon. I wonder how it all works. I look for a pattern to make sure I or any of my family and friends do not fall into any bad tragedies. But there is no pattern. There is no calculation that would allow us to have a perfect life. We will have pain. We will suffer. We DO have hope. We DO have redemption from God in our situations. But that doesn't always answer the WHY's that we scream in the middle of the night. I've screamed that "why me?". I never really got an answer, but I'm beginning to believe rain falls on the just and the unjust. Tragedy will strike us at some point. Maybe not like Amanda's story as I know her story is not my story. And my story is not her story. We each walk this road to motherhood but they are different to us all. We both encounter tragedy and sadly this will not be the last sad night we ever live. But God is here.
God is in the hospital with them right now. God is with them when they go home to hug their 2 little boys. God is with the woman filled with disease who dies too young and leaves young children to be raised by a single father. God is with the neighbor whose husband commits suicide. God is with the homeless man who for 10 years drinks his morning McDonalds coffee on the side of a hill as he asks for cigarettes from strangers. God is with cousins who struggle to live a normal life and end up in car wrecks and find themselves in surgery. God is with us. He is near. He is ready to take this broken world and redeem it. One day He will come and restore all things. But until then, he holds us close and redeems one tragedy at a time. And for that I am thankful. For His arms are the best arms to fall into.
...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13
When I first started to go to our church, Rochester First Assembly, I was invited to go to an infertility group that was meeting there. I decided to go and check it out. We met at a girls house and her name was Amanda Jones. There were several girls at this meeting and we all shared our stories and encouraged each other in our journey towards family and motherhood. Several months after that meeting Amanda got pregnant. It was a miracle. The dr.'s had told her she would never have kids and they were getting ready to do foster care in hopes to adopt one day. After having a beautiful boy she surprisingly got pregnant again! And then after her 2nd child was born again she found herself with child! This time it was a girl. This past week she gave birth to that little girl, 7 weeks early. She wasn't breathing well and the dr's discovered that little baby Hannah was born with a very rare disease where she had too much calcium in her arteries and in a matter of days it would destroy her. Our whole church and many others prayed for baby Hannah, but she went back to God to be with Him today. Miracle turned to tragedy. My heart breaks.
I can't imagine her pain.
I can't imagine her confusion.
I just can't imagine.
In times like these where my heart breaks for a friend, I wonder what's going on in this world. Why do we live in a place where bad things happen even to good people. Why did God not answer our prayers? The prayers of hundreds! Could we have changed His mind? Did He have control over this? I used to ask these same questions of my own personal tragedies. Wondering why God didn't step in and stop the circumstances that killed my parents. I felt like God could do anything, so why did He choose to be silent that day? Why did He choose to be silent today? These questions are hard and linger for so long with no answers.
I've heard too many of these stories like Amanda's of children leaving us way to soon. I wonder how it all works. I look for a pattern to make sure I or any of my family and friends do not fall into any bad tragedies. But there is no pattern. There is no calculation that would allow us to have a perfect life. We will have pain. We will suffer. We DO have hope. We DO have redemption from God in our situations. But that doesn't always answer the WHY's that we scream in the middle of the night. I've screamed that "why me?". I never really got an answer, but I'm beginning to believe rain falls on the just and the unjust. Tragedy will strike us at some point. Maybe not like Amanda's story as I know her story is not my story. And my story is not her story. We each walk this road to motherhood but they are different to us all. We both encounter tragedy and sadly this will not be the last sad night we ever live. But God is here.
God is in the hospital with them right now. God is with them when they go home to hug their 2 little boys. God is with the woman filled with disease who dies too young and leaves young children to be raised by a single father. God is with the neighbor whose husband commits suicide. God is with the homeless man who for 10 years drinks his morning McDonalds coffee on the side of a hill as he asks for cigarettes from strangers. God is with cousins who struggle to live a normal life and end up in car wrecks and find themselves in surgery. God is with us. He is near. He is ready to take this broken world and redeem it. One day He will come and restore all things. But until then, he holds us close and redeems one tragedy at a time. And for that I am thankful. For His arms are the best arms to fall into.
...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13
Sunday, June 09, 2013
every moment
I'm reading the book one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a book about one woman's journey to thankfulness and how this one thing helps her heal and basically changes her life. It's not my favorite type of writing. I find it hard to get through some of the ways that she describes things, but there are good points that she brings up. Today I was reading a chapter where she was talking about how we are all in a rush all the time trying to get more time. But the secret to getting more time isn't rushing, it's slowing down. This way we can recognize what God has given us now, in this moment, and we wont miss anything. I thought this was a good reminder to me to enjoy every moment of my life right now. To stop and slow down. I've had a pretty open schedule overall anyway, but I want to enjoy every moment. As I think that is what God intended for us. For me.
Little babe got his first hiccups this week. They came on lunch break at work on Tuesday. I remember thinking this kid has good rhythm and then it hit me..hiccups. Drew was there to feel them and as he was amazed by it I looked up and he had tears in his eyes. Then I did too. God is amazing how he creates such Joy within me. Living Joy flowing out with every kick, every movement, every hiccup. Many times at work I stop and close my eyes and just enjoy his movement. It's something I never even thought about mourning in my years past. And here is this miracle movement inside of me reminding me at 4am that he is here, growing and happy.
We had our first birthing class this week. There is a woman who goes to our church and loves to teach birthing classes. She's been a nurse for over 35 years and has witnessed over 1,000 births. She approached us asking if we wanted to meet with her sometime for a session. We have good friends that are due in a week or so and they were going to meet with her soon so they let us sit in on their private session. It was AWESOME! I felt so great knowing that we could ask any question as she taught us step by step what happens from the moment you think you are in labor. She spoke of peace and relaxation and she made me feel like I could do this. I know labor could be hard (she also said it's NOT hard for all women - she was one of them) but I also know that trying to stay calm, relaxed and peaceful seems like an important part. We got to watch a few births on video and honestly they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. I've never seen a birth and I thought it would be totally disgusting. I'm sure some are. I'm sure there will be goop and blood and lots of other things. But I appreciated the way she explained everything and how things work. It was a great meeting and I felt more confident after I left. So thankful for Vicki.
I tried cooking again this week. I cooked several things. Most of them ended up getting burned, others just didn't turn out. I said I would never blame things on pregnancy, but it's been a proven fact that women lose brain cells or something when pregnant. I honestly think pregnancy has made me a bad cook. Ask Drew. He will confirm. So, I think I'm giving up on the whole cooking thing and I'm looking for other alternatives. Poor Drew. I really do feel bad for him. But he's a good sport and honestly doesn't care that much. But I have to figure out a way to get healthy yummy food into our home.
27 weeks. That's where we are. Feeling good and feeling like I'm growing all the time. Drew tells me I have a disorder where I think I'm bigger than I am. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel HUGE but he assures me that I don't look that way. I hope he's not lying. But even if he is, he's a good husband. ;-)
I go back to the dr. on Monday. This appointment is for the glucose test. I have to drink a small bottle of sugar water before I go to the dr. to determine if my body creates enough insulin during this part of the pregnancy. I've been a little bloated this past week so I'm hoping that's not a bad sign. I do think my feet a getting a touch bigger. Either way, I know God will help me do what I have to do. But I'm praying for perfect health. Getting a tooth pulled was horrible enough so I'm hoping that's all issues I have. I'm not sure what else they will do besides hear the baby's heartbeat, take my weight and blood and see if I have any questions. It should be good!
I hope to make another update after my appointment. Going to the Loon's game on Monday so it wont be till later in the week. I'm thankful for all of you that love me so. God is so good.
Little babe got his first hiccups this week. They came on lunch break at work on Tuesday. I remember thinking this kid has good rhythm and then it hit me..hiccups. Drew was there to feel them and as he was amazed by it I looked up and he had tears in his eyes. Then I did too. God is amazing how he creates such Joy within me. Living Joy flowing out with every kick, every movement, every hiccup. Many times at work I stop and close my eyes and just enjoy his movement. It's something I never even thought about mourning in my years past. And here is this miracle movement inside of me reminding me at 4am that he is here, growing and happy.
We had our first birthing class this week. There is a woman who goes to our church and loves to teach birthing classes. She's been a nurse for over 35 years and has witnessed over 1,000 births. She approached us asking if we wanted to meet with her sometime for a session. We have good friends that are due in a week or so and they were going to meet with her soon so they let us sit in on their private session. It was AWESOME! I felt so great knowing that we could ask any question as she taught us step by step what happens from the moment you think you are in labor. She spoke of peace and relaxation and she made me feel like I could do this. I know labor could be hard (she also said it's NOT hard for all women - she was one of them) but I also know that trying to stay calm, relaxed and peaceful seems like an important part. We got to watch a few births on video and honestly they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. I've never seen a birth and I thought it would be totally disgusting. I'm sure some are. I'm sure there will be goop and blood and lots of other things. But I appreciated the way she explained everything and how things work. It was a great meeting and I felt more confident after I left. So thankful for Vicki.
I tried cooking again this week. I cooked several things. Most of them ended up getting burned, others just didn't turn out. I said I would never blame things on pregnancy, but it's been a proven fact that women lose brain cells or something when pregnant. I honestly think pregnancy has made me a bad cook. Ask Drew. He will confirm. So, I think I'm giving up on the whole cooking thing and I'm looking for other alternatives. Poor Drew. I really do feel bad for him. But he's a good sport and honestly doesn't care that much. But I have to figure out a way to get healthy yummy food into our home.
27 weeks. That's where we are. Feeling good and feeling like I'm growing all the time. Drew tells me I have a disorder where I think I'm bigger than I am. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel HUGE but he assures me that I don't look that way. I hope he's not lying. But even if he is, he's a good husband. ;-)
I go back to the dr. on Monday. This appointment is for the glucose test. I have to drink a small bottle of sugar water before I go to the dr. to determine if my body creates enough insulin during this part of the pregnancy. I've been a little bloated this past week so I'm hoping that's not a bad sign. I do think my feet a getting a touch bigger. Either way, I know God will help me do what I have to do. But I'm praying for perfect health. Getting a tooth pulled was horrible enough so I'm hoping that's all issues I have. I'm not sure what else they will do besides hear the baby's heartbeat, take my weight and blood and see if I have any questions. It should be good!
I hope to make another update after my appointment. Going to the Loon's game on Monday so it wont be till later in the week. I'm thankful for all of you that love me so. God is so good.
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| 27 weeks and growing! |
Sunday, June 02, 2013
The Golden Jubilee
Commitment.....
My Aunt Joan celebrated her Golden Jubilee this weekend. She decided at the young age of 18 that she wanted to dedicate her life to God forever. She became a nun and gave herself to serving others for the rest of her life. 50 years later, she celebrates. And rightly so.
I've been thinking a bunch about her decision and how huge that was. When I was 18 all I could think about was getting out of the house and finding a boyfriend. I don't know what kind of heart God has to give a teenager to help them make a LIFETIME decision like the one my aunt made. Once that decision was made, her life was never the same.
Her family (especially mother) was so proud of her. She went off to study (earning several degrees which is amazing considering my grandparents never finished high school) and learned not only about the world that she lived but also about God and people and community. She learned to serve selflessly. She learned to help those who have none. She helped heal the broken hearted and bind up their hurts. She cultivated her compassion and drew out the parts of her heart that were most like Jesus while ignoring the parts that were soul-ish, or more worldly.
She's never been to Rome, but she's going soon. I'm so excited for her to learn about the heritage that she's read and lived her whole life. I want her to see it with her own eyes. I want her to touch the buildings and feel God's presence alive and strong in the churches that still stand to Praise and recognize Jesus and God as the One True God. I want God to bless her with experiences she never thought imaginable. For all that she's sacrificed, I pray her to be blessed.
She studied in Grand Rapids and now lives in Lansing. Lansing. I thought about how many other places she could've lived. As a nun, I'm sure she could've been commissioned to live anywhere in the world. This week as I prayed, admired and thought about Aunt Joan, I thought, "Oh my word...why Lansing?". I would've pulled some strings and asked to go to Europe, South America or even the Far East. But my Aunt Joan went where God would have her go.
I'm not sure if you've ever been to Lansing, Mi., but Lansing is our capital. It's not like Detroit, but in my opinion, it's like the next step. It seems the city has lost it's excitement as the buildings started showing their age years ago. It seems dirty. Tired. Lacking. And I wondered why God would send her there. I really don't know the "reason" why she ended up in Lansing, but if you've ever been to Michigan I hope you know there are about a million other places that are nicer to live. I realize I'm painting a horrible picture of it. It's not THAT bad, but for someone who has given up everything in her life to worship God and give to others, I would want them to live in Traverse City on the waters edge seeing God's beauty everyday! But then I realized, if there was somewhere that God knew Aunt Joan needed to be, it was probably Lansing. A place that needs God. A place where people are lonely and tired. A sleepy city that needs the light of Christ to shine into it so it can be awakened. I wonder how many times my Aunt has prayed for our cities, our state, our country. She couldn't get any closer to the place where the most important decisions are made for our state. Yes, maybe Lansing is exactly where she was supposed to be. Well...I guess it is since she is there. ;) But maybe I can feel a bit more settled knowing she loves God and brings that Spirit into the city where decisions are made that will affect my family, my state, my future, my life. I'm so thankful God is smart. I'm so thankful for people like Aunt Joan who say yes Lord.
I don't know my Aunt Joan super well. It's one regret that I have in my life. Sometimes decisions are made for you that sort of break your heart later in life. I have a few nieces that I love and because of decisions made for them I don't know them super well. It's hard. I wish it was different. But I just do the best I can with what God has given me. I plan on taking some time to spend with Aunt Joan to hear her heart and get to know her better. I know it's never too late etc. but there is still a past regret that sometimes lingers. Some days I wish Aunt Joan was my God mother. I think in a way she should've been or would've been. There's a place in my heart that whispers that if things were different at one time, my mother would've asked her to be that for me. I think she would've taken that role seriously. As her dedication to God has been, serious. When she says yes to a commitment, clearly she means yes for life. I love that.
My sister tells me stories about how for a brief time in her life my mom, Kevin and her lived with Aunt Joan in the convent. I can't imagine that. To me, that would be the coolest place to live. Kari describes it was such. She remembers running up and down the halls and getting hushed by the nuns to keep quiet, but also loving the attention. It was a God heart that opened that door to my mother in a time when she needed help. That is the type of person Aunt Joan is. She loves her family and will do anything for them. Even if never repaid. Even if never thanked. Even if never recognized. That's kinda how Jesus lived all the time. Constantly giving. Hardly ever receiving. But I believe God filled his heart back up to give more and just knowing God was doing that made the rest ok. I'm pretty sure Aunt Joan is like that too. Knowing that God is enough. God is near. God sees. God rewards with His presence. And that is, well, enough.
I'm thankful for my Aunt Joan. She is someone to be admired and walk after. Just as Paul said, "do as I do as I imitate Christ". My Aunt Joan isn't perfect, but it takes an amazingly close walk with God to trudge through the good and the ugly of life and come out on the other side of 50 years of marriage to God and still like him. And still love Him. Life is extremely confusing, but she gets it. She knows God is good. She knows He isn't done and that He is coming once again to redeem all things. This is not the end of the story, and this is the reason for her being firmly rooted and content with whatever may come her way.
May God continue to bless Sister Carla, my Aunt Joan for all that she has done and continues to do for the world, for strangers, for her family and for me. I love you so much and I'm blessed and honored to be your niece.
My Aunt Joan celebrated her Golden Jubilee this weekend. She decided at the young age of 18 that she wanted to dedicate her life to God forever. She became a nun and gave herself to serving others for the rest of her life. 50 years later, she celebrates. And rightly so.
I've been thinking a bunch about her decision and how huge that was. When I was 18 all I could think about was getting out of the house and finding a boyfriend. I don't know what kind of heart God has to give a teenager to help them make a LIFETIME decision like the one my aunt made. Once that decision was made, her life was never the same.
She's never been to Rome, but she's going soon. I'm so excited for her to learn about the heritage that she's read and lived her whole life. I want her to see it with her own eyes. I want her to touch the buildings and feel God's presence alive and strong in the churches that still stand to Praise and recognize Jesus and God as the One True God. I want God to bless her with experiences she never thought imaginable. For all that she's sacrificed, I pray her to be blessed.
She studied in Grand Rapids and now lives in Lansing. Lansing. I thought about how many other places she could've lived. As a nun, I'm sure she could've been commissioned to live anywhere in the world. This week as I prayed, admired and thought about Aunt Joan, I thought, "Oh my word...why Lansing?". I would've pulled some strings and asked to go to Europe, South America or even the Far East. But my Aunt Joan went where God would have her go.
I don't know my Aunt Joan super well. It's one regret that I have in my life. Sometimes decisions are made for you that sort of break your heart later in life. I have a few nieces that I love and because of decisions made for them I don't know them super well. It's hard. I wish it was different. But I just do the best I can with what God has given me. I plan on taking some time to spend with Aunt Joan to hear her heart and get to know her better. I know it's never too late etc. but there is still a past regret that sometimes lingers. Some days I wish Aunt Joan was my God mother. I think in a way she should've been or would've been. There's a place in my heart that whispers that if things were different at one time, my mother would've asked her to be that for me. I think she would've taken that role seriously. As her dedication to God has been, serious. When she says yes to a commitment, clearly she means yes for life. I love that.
My sister tells me stories about how for a brief time in her life my mom, Kevin and her lived with Aunt Joan in the convent. I can't imagine that. To me, that would be the coolest place to live. Kari describes it was such. She remembers running up and down the halls and getting hushed by the nuns to keep quiet, but also loving the attention. It was a God heart that opened that door to my mother in a time when she needed help. That is the type of person Aunt Joan is. She loves her family and will do anything for them. Even if never repaid. Even if never thanked. Even if never recognized. That's kinda how Jesus lived all the time. Constantly giving. Hardly ever receiving. But I believe God filled his heart back up to give more and just knowing God was doing that made the rest ok. I'm pretty sure Aunt Joan is like that too. Knowing that God is enough. God is near. God sees. God rewards with His presence. And that is, well, enough.
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| Happy 50 year Anniversary! |
I'm thankful for my Aunt Joan. She is someone to be admired and walk after. Just as Paul said, "do as I do as I imitate Christ". My Aunt Joan isn't perfect, but it takes an amazingly close walk with God to trudge through the good and the ugly of life and come out on the other side of 50 years of marriage to God and still like him. And still love Him. Life is extremely confusing, but she gets it. She knows God is good. She knows He isn't done and that He is coming once again to redeem all things. This is not the end of the story, and this is the reason for her being firmly rooted and content with whatever may come her way.
May God continue to bless Sister Carla, my Aunt Joan for all that she has done and continues to do for the world, for strangers, for her family and for me. I love you so much and I'm blessed and honored to be your niece.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
2:30 for real this time....
So many things happening in just a few days....
Happy Mothers Day to all of you ladies out there. I don't care if you are a "Mother" because you had a child, or if you didn't, if you take care of those around you and show love to God's people, I consider you a mother. :) I hope you all had a wonderful day. Mine was...well...sad.
Drew was out of town and couldn't get back from New York until Sunday night. So I talked to him briefly in the morning and burst into tears when I was done. I guess I just felt alone and emotional. I was sad because my mom wasn't here. And I was happy because of this amazing little boy in my womb. And I was sad because there are so many who never have children, or who are still waiting for them. That day, Mothers Day, is so painful to so many people and I couldn't just enjoy the day. But I decided to try.
I didn't want to go to church because, although I LOVE my church I just felt like being alone. I decided to go to the local breakfast place and get some eggs and potatoes. I sat at the bar next to a woman and her young daughter. They played tic-tak-toe and I thought it was amazing that she was blessing her daughter that morning, the morning that she should be honored. On the other side of me was an elderly couple. Hardly saying a word to one another they ate their eggs and rye toast and then payed the bill and made room for 2 single middle aged men. They seemed very jovial much like the brothers Click and Clack. It made me smile. After leaving there I went to Starbucks where I asked them to write Happy Mothers Day on my cup as well as put a heart on top.
Although it was supposed to be a steamed milk frothy coffee art, the carmel worked too. I realized, sometimes if you want to feel good, you just have to ask for what you want. And that day, I wanted a cup that said, "Happy Mother's Day", and so I asked. :) It's a good reminder to me that if I really want to feel better, tell people what I need and they would be happy to help me out. Generally, people like helping people.
The day ended with picking up drew from the airport. I was so happy to see him. I missed him horribly last week. I was very thankful for my friend Tomi coming to stay with me though. She cooked for me and kept me company all week. It was so fun.
We even spent 4 hours shopping when neither of us really like to shop! haha. We had a great time though. I'm thankful for those that called and also offered to have me over or come stay with me. Again, I am loved.
So yeah, today I lost my first adult tooth. Although it was a bit traumatic mentally, it was pretty painless and so far still no pain. Here's the view I had from my seat...
I have the BEST dentist. Finally. I went to the worst dentist last year which is how I got in this mess. But now the best dentist is making it all better. So I just took a tea bag out of my mouth because my dentist called to see how I was doing and told me to put a tea bag on it to stop the bleeding. It was still bleeding a bit. I think it worked for the most part. The only thing that really hurts now is where he gave me the shots. Which I'm thankful for. I'm pretty tired though. I really tried to stay calm all day so the baby wouldn't feel anxious. I kept playing in my head that 80's song, "doin it all for my baby...". I think our baby liked that. So now I'm one toothless of a full mouth. It's ok. I have lots of friends who have lost teeth. It just feels strange and I'm not sure he will give me a bridge or anything until we make sure the other tooth is ok. He hinted that might be after the baby is born. Oh well. At least the infection is gone and I don't have to worry about the infection spreading to the baby. THAT is all that matters. :) And he kicked the whole time to remind me to stay calm...and that he loves me.
I'm thankful for friends who offer to get groceries for me, and friends that bring me mashed potatoes on their 25th anniversary, and friends that check in on me cuz they know sometimes life can be challenging. I truly have the greatest friends. And now I'm going to finish my peanut butter smoothie and go to bed. Glad this day is over, but feeling blessed that it wasn't THAT bad.
Happy Mothers Day to all of you ladies out there. I don't care if you are a "Mother" because you had a child, or if you didn't, if you take care of those around you and show love to God's people, I consider you a mother. :) I hope you all had a wonderful day. Mine was...well...sad.
Drew was out of town and couldn't get back from New York until Sunday night. So I talked to him briefly in the morning and burst into tears when I was done. I guess I just felt alone and emotional. I was sad because my mom wasn't here. And I was happy because of this amazing little boy in my womb. And I was sad because there are so many who never have children, or who are still waiting for them. That day, Mothers Day, is so painful to so many people and I couldn't just enjoy the day. But I decided to try.
I didn't want to go to church because, although I LOVE my church I just felt like being alone. I decided to go to the local breakfast place and get some eggs and potatoes. I sat at the bar next to a woman and her young daughter. They played tic-tak-toe and I thought it was amazing that she was blessing her daughter that morning, the morning that she should be honored. On the other side of me was an elderly couple. Hardly saying a word to one another they ate their eggs and rye toast and then payed the bill and made room for 2 single middle aged men. They seemed very jovial much like the brothers Click and Clack. It made me smile. After leaving there I went to Starbucks where I asked them to write Happy Mothers Day on my cup as well as put a heart on top.
Although it was supposed to be a steamed milk frothy coffee art, the carmel worked too. I realized, sometimes if you want to feel good, you just have to ask for what you want. And that day, I wanted a cup that said, "Happy Mother's Day", and so I asked. :) It's a good reminder to me that if I really want to feel better, tell people what I need and they would be happy to help me out. Generally, people like helping people.
The day ended with picking up drew from the airport. I was so happy to see him. I missed him horribly last week. I was very thankful for my friend Tomi coming to stay with me though. She cooked for me and kept me company all week. It was so fun.
We even spent 4 hours shopping when neither of us really like to shop! haha. We had a great time though. I'm thankful for those that called and also offered to have me over or come stay with me. Again, I am loved.
So yeah, today I lost my first adult tooth. Although it was a bit traumatic mentally, it was pretty painless and so far still no pain. Here's the view I had from my seat...
I have the BEST dentist. Finally. I went to the worst dentist last year which is how I got in this mess. But now the best dentist is making it all better. So I just took a tea bag out of my mouth because my dentist called to see how I was doing and told me to put a tea bag on it to stop the bleeding. It was still bleeding a bit. I think it worked for the most part. The only thing that really hurts now is where he gave me the shots. Which I'm thankful for. I'm pretty tired though. I really tried to stay calm all day so the baby wouldn't feel anxious. I kept playing in my head that 80's song, "doin it all for my baby...". I think our baby liked that. So now I'm one toothless of a full mouth. It's ok. I have lots of friends who have lost teeth. It just feels strange and I'm not sure he will give me a bridge or anything until we make sure the other tooth is ok. He hinted that might be after the baby is born. Oh well. At least the infection is gone and I don't have to worry about the infection spreading to the baby. THAT is all that matters. :) And he kicked the whole time to remind me to stay calm...and that he loves me.
I'm thankful for friends who offer to get groceries for me, and friends that bring me mashed potatoes on their 25th anniversary, and friends that check in on me cuz they know sometimes life can be challenging. I truly have the greatest friends. And now I'm going to finish my peanut butter smoothie and go to bed. Glad this day is over, but feeling blessed that it wasn't THAT bad.
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| And feeling great at 24 weeks! |
friends and flips
It's been a bit since I've last written. It seems like I've been a bit busy these past few weeks. We made 2 trips to GR, one for a visit to Drew's moms and the other was to celebrate our friend Amiee's 40th bday. They were very fun trips filled with trips to the baby Gap as well as nights full of laughter. I love getting together with my friend Amiee. The times always end up with me laughing so hard that I have to think of something sad to stop laughing because it starts to hurt my stomach so bad. For real. I've got some really funny friends. I'm so thankful!
People have been SO generous to me! We have and keep receiving many gifts from maternity clothes to gifts for the baby. Thank you everyone for your help! It's making my life so easy! Even drew has gotten in the baby buying mood. He's bought a few outfits for our little guy and even some cute Sesame Street books. He loves Sesame Street. I have to admit, I do too. Classic Sesame though, we haven't really seen it in a while but I imagine the voices are different as we all get older.
Drew is in New York this week. He has to go to either New York or California for classes once every term. This time it was New York. It's the first time he met all his classmates that he will be studying with for the next 5 years. He said overall it has been awesome. They basically sit around for 8 hours talking about the meaning of life, God, dreams, man etc. He is in Heaven. I miss him so much, but every time I talk to him he's having such a blast and he sounds so happy. I've never been more thankful for him starting school. He's been waiting a long time to do this and I'm so excited for him to get into the program and start walking towards his life long goal of teaching. And he's excited too. He sounds like a kid who just walked into his first trip to Cedar Point. So many things to experience, adrenaline pumping, ready for those upside down rollar coasters. He walked a TON the first night, mostly because he was excited. So by day 2 he had a few blisters that he has had to baby a bit. But it really didn't stop him as we went out walking the next night too. He's just so excited to be in the city. I don't blame him. The city is exciting.
I can't remember if I mentioned my tooth ache. I think I did. Well, since then, I've been in ZERO pain. I'm so thankful. My appointment was still scheduled for May 21st to get my tooth removed, until last week. On Monday my gums started swelling next to the "toxic tooth". Again, no pain, just swelling. The next day it was bigger. The third day it was like the elephant man but only in my mouth.
******CAUTION!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NEXT PART IS COMPLETELY GROSS!!!!!!!!********
I got to work that morning and I was looking (looking, not poking...just looking) at my gum when all of a sudden it....well....it....exploded. There, I said it. So nasty puss and blood was gushing out as I grabbed kleenix after kleenix at my desk trying to not faint from disgust. Even now it makes my stomach turn and feel upset. It was by far one of the most disgusting things I had ever experienced. Yes, I called the dentist begging for a closer appointment. Again, I'm not in any pain and I'm SO thankful, but as I've been praying that God would just heal this thing so I don't have to go to the dentist again I realized, well, I guess I should just get it over with and take the stupid tooth out. So now I'm scheduled for Tuesday. We have a very busy week as Monday we have an OB appointment and then Tuesday I will go in to get it removed. I'm going to tell him to remove both the back teeth if he thinks they both need to come out. I have a feeling they both do and I dont want to be back here again in a month doing this over. So...yeah. He told me to start my antibiotics (which I HATE that I have to take, but with every pill I swallow I pray that God will protect our baby boy from any medication that might hurt him. Everything I've read said these antibiotics are ok for the baby and my dr also said that so I guess I should just trust them) so I started them yesterday. I take 4 a day. FOUR! But I'm guessing they are a lower dose spread out throughout the day so that makes more sense to me than taking 2 heavy doses twice a day. Idk. I'm not a doctor. I'm a little nervous about the procedure as when I got my wisdom teeth out I was put out. This time I will only have my gums numb. But I know it will be over soon and it will be ok. When I saw that nasty stuff in my mouth all I wanted to do was get rid of it so it didn't spread and hurt the baby. So that's my goal. Do what I have to do to get rid of the infection. Infection = bad. I'm also thankful it's not my front teeth as there will be no replacing the teeth until after the baby is born. :) Good times.
I'm hoping I feel good the next day though. I might ask to work from home that day. I don't know how much pain I will be in, but I don't really want to take any time off work because I only get so many days for maternity leave and every sick day I take counts against it. I'm trusting God to provide for us so I can take as much time off as possible.
LEAKING! Holy crappers, I'm leaking. I'm 23 weeks along and I'm leaking. I'm talking to my doc about it Monday, and I've been told it's normal, but for the last few days strange marks are showing up on my shirts out of nowhere. Luckily it only happens at night, but it's STRANGE! Laura told me again, that's it's normal. She's my #1 pregnancy meter. I feel our pregnancies have been pretty similar so I've asked her about the strange body changes all along. She always says, "yup. that's normal". Thank God for normal. But I thought leaking would start more around week 35, not 23. So I will see what my doc has to say.
I've got so much to do and really, really, really trying to get motivated to do some of it. It's getting to the point where I just have to do it. We have our first shower at the end of June and the invites are going out soon. So this week we have to register so they will know what to buy. Registering is one of those things on my list that I've been avoiding. I know it will be fun, but there are so many choices about things. So I know you all have your favorit things you love and hate (even you aunties who take care of the babies sometimes!) so please message me and let me know what to get. I think we know what stroller we want, but besides that I'm pretty much clueless. I plan on breastfeeding but I think I need some bottles too. Do you know how many kinds of bottles are out there? Sheesh. Not to mention the disposable vs. cloth debacle. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many many decisions.
People have been SO generous to me! We have and keep receiving many gifts from maternity clothes to gifts for the baby. Thank you everyone for your help! It's making my life so easy! Even drew has gotten in the baby buying mood. He's bought a few outfits for our little guy and even some cute Sesame Street books. He loves Sesame Street. I have to admit, I do too. Classic Sesame though, we haven't really seen it in a while but I imagine the voices are different as we all get older.
Drew is in New York this week. He has to go to either New York or California for classes once every term. This time it was New York. It's the first time he met all his classmates that he will be studying with for the next 5 years. He said overall it has been awesome. They basically sit around for 8 hours talking about the meaning of life, God, dreams, man etc. He is in Heaven. I miss him so much, but every time I talk to him he's having such a blast and he sounds so happy. I've never been more thankful for him starting school. He's been waiting a long time to do this and I'm so excited for him to get into the program and start walking towards his life long goal of teaching. And he's excited too. He sounds like a kid who just walked into his first trip to Cedar Point. So many things to experience, adrenaline pumping, ready for those upside down rollar coasters. He walked a TON the first night, mostly because he was excited. So by day 2 he had a few blisters that he has had to baby a bit. But it really didn't stop him as we went out walking the next night too. He's just so excited to be in the city. I don't blame him. The city is exciting.
I can't remember if I mentioned my tooth ache. I think I did. Well, since then, I've been in ZERO pain. I'm so thankful. My appointment was still scheduled for May 21st to get my tooth removed, until last week. On Monday my gums started swelling next to the "toxic tooth". Again, no pain, just swelling. The next day it was bigger. The third day it was like the elephant man but only in my mouth.
******CAUTION!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NEXT PART IS COMPLETELY GROSS!!!!!!!!********
I got to work that morning and I was looking (looking, not poking...just looking) at my gum when all of a sudden it....well....it....exploded. There, I said it. So nasty puss and blood was gushing out as I grabbed kleenix after kleenix at my desk trying to not faint from disgust. Even now it makes my stomach turn and feel upset. It was by far one of the most disgusting things I had ever experienced. Yes, I called the dentist begging for a closer appointment. Again, I'm not in any pain and I'm SO thankful, but as I've been praying that God would just heal this thing so I don't have to go to the dentist again I realized, well, I guess I should just get it over with and take the stupid tooth out. So now I'm scheduled for Tuesday. We have a very busy week as Monday we have an OB appointment and then Tuesday I will go in to get it removed. I'm going to tell him to remove both the back teeth if he thinks they both need to come out. I have a feeling they both do and I dont want to be back here again in a month doing this over. So...yeah. He told me to start my antibiotics (which I HATE that I have to take, but with every pill I swallow I pray that God will protect our baby boy from any medication that might hurt him. Everything I've read said these antibiotics are ok for the baby and my dr also said that so I guess I should just trust them) so I started them yesterday. I take 4 a day. FOUR! But I'm guessing they are a lower dose spread out throughout the day so that makes more sense to me than taking 2 heavy doses twice a day. Idk. I'm not a doctor. I'm a little nervous about the procedure as when I got my wisdom teeth out I was put out. This time I will only have my gums numb. But I know it will be over soon and it will be ok. When I saw that nasty stuff in my mouth all I wanted to do was get rid of it so it didn't spread and hurt the baby. So that's my goal. Do what I have to do to get rid of the infection. Infection = bad. I'm also thankful it's not my front teeth as there will be no replacing the teeth until after the baby is born. :) Good times.
I'm hoping I feel good the next day though. I might ask to work from home that day. I don't know how much pain I will be in, but I don't really want to take any time off work because I only get so many days for maternity leave and every sick day I take counts against it. I'm trusting God to provide for us so I can take as much time off as possible.
LEAKING! Holy crappers, I'm leaking. I'm 23 weeks along and I'm leaking. I'm talking to my doc about it Monday, and I've been told it's normal, but for the last few days strange marks are showing up on my shirts out of nowhere. Luckily it only happens at night, but it's STRANGE! Laura told me again, that's it's normal. She's my #1 pregnancy meter. I feel our pregnancies have been pretty similar so I've asked her about the strange body changes all along. She always says, "yup. that's normal". Thank God for normal. But I thought leaking would start more around week 35, not 23. So I will see what my doc has to say.
I've got so much to do and really, really, really trying to get motivated to do some of it. It's getting to the point where I just have to do it. We have our first shower at the end of June and the invites are going out soon. So this week we have to register so they will know what to buy. Registering is one of those things on my list that I've been avoiding. I know it will be fun, but there are so many choices about things. So I know you all have your favorit things you love and hate (even you aunties who take care of the babies sometimes!) so please message me and let me know what to get. I think we know what stroller we want, but besides that I'm pretty much clueless. I plan on breastfeeding but I think I need some bottles too. Do you know how many kinds of bottles are out there? Sheesh. Not to mention the disposable vs. cloth debacle. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many many decisions.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
22 is my favorite
I've always liked the number 22. I really don't know why, but I can't tell you how thankful and wonderful it is to be moving into our 22nd week of pregnancy! The last week or so I've felt so hormonal. I don't know if it's the weather, my tooth or just my new "normal" but I cry pretty much at anything. I completely feel blessed and don't really have a reason to cry, but I cry anyway. I felt the baby move while I was at work last week and I pushed on my belly where I felt it and it moved again. Like he responded to me. :) I cried.
It's been a blessing for me to have her go first. I've been able to text her many times asking if things are normal or if I'm crazy. And many times she tells me she felt that same thing and even worse when she was at my stage and everything is fine. She's been a peace giver to my heart and I'm so thankful. It's a miracle to see us both in this stage at the same time. Something I could've never imagined, but that's what God loves to do, turn our wildest dreams into His reality.
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| me & my little bro |
Kelly came for a visit!!!! YAY! It was too short, but with our schedules I'm thankful for every minute I get with him. I didn't really have anything planned to do, so we just hung out, went to market, shopped around and played some video games. (Press Your Luck - and yes, I beat him twice)
I miss my brother a lot. I miss all my sibs a lot. I wish we all lived closer. I wish we could be in each others lives daily. I know sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Maybe someday, but for now the stupid miles keep us from seeing one another.
I hugged Kelly tight before he got on that train back to Chicago. Then I sat and cried in the car for at least 30 minutes after the train left.
Drew waited and then asked me if I was ok, and if I wanted Sonic. He's a good guy that Drew. And yes, I was ok, and I did want a Sonic Cranberry Lime-aid. And I wish I had one right now too.
Tonight I had dinner with great friends who have walked the infertility road with us for some time. Nate and Kat are such wonderful friends and it was good to catch up with them. They love the Lord and long to do what He says. It's always encouraging to spend time with them and hear what God is doing. Their relationship is special to me because both Kat and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time. She got pregnant 11 weeks before me.
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| the pregnant kats |
So as May approaches things are well in the Smith house. My tooth isn't hurting as bad and I'm praying it will be healed, but I still have my appointment at the end of May. Drew has been trying to adjust to grad school with lots and lots of reading as well as working full time. He leaves next week for New York for 5 days for schooling. He will be missed. I miss him already. I know, cheesy, but I really do like spending time with him. I'm thankful I have a friend coming to stay with me and she said she would cook a bit. I'm SO thankful for that otherwise I would probably be eating cereal all week. Which the baby would love btw. :)
This weeks goal = exercise. I did it yesterday and thought I might pass out. I wasn't even doing it all and it was a prenatal tone & stretch video. It wasn't hard and the fact that I was out of breath and sweaty at the end made me realize that yeah, I need to do this more often. So, that's my goal.
That's what's going on in Smith world...hope your world is going well too.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Hello Stranger
What a week.
First, I'm 21 weeks!!! More than 1/2 way done! It's hard to believe, but my body is changing so much forcing me to know that we are moving right along now! HAPPY DANCE!!!!!
Next, my disclaimer is that I am NOT complaining and I also understand that things could be MUCH worse. But I'm realizing in any stage of life there are things that bother us and cause us frustration. It doesn't mean you don't like the season you're in, it just means even in a good season, life still happens.
I woke up last week with a toothache. I can't explain to you why my teeth upset me emotionally. Maybe it's because my mother had false teeth by the time she was 30. Or maybe it's because I don't want to have bad teeth. Maybe it's because I could brush my teeth every day and floss AND gargle with the best mouthwash and still get cavities. It's frustrating. Knowing this, last October I was determined to get my teeth checked and cleaned before we did treatments. I had a bad couple teeth in the back and I had to have a root canal. It wasn't bad. But then a month later it started to hurt again. So he did a "re-treatment". This one hurt very bad. THEN in December it started hurting ... AGAIN! I was super frustrated and it was right before treatment. They took an x-ray and found nothing wrong with it. So they gave me antibiotics and hoped for the best. Everything seemed fine until last week. It started hurting, again. Perfect timing because now I'm pregnant and what am I to do? I know, get a new dentist. Which I did.
The new dentist is awesome. Like, really awesome. His staff from the first hello were so kind and helpful. They made me feel like I'd been a patient for years. I went to see him and he looked at the tooth and said we had to take an x-ray of it to really know what is going on. They covered me with those heavy shield things and took it. Then he got really silent. After 30 seconds of looking at the x-ray, then looking at the nurse, then looking at me and back at the x-ray, he told me the tooth needs to come out.
I think a part of me feels like I'm going to end up like mom with no teeth. I know lots of people who have had teeth removed. It's not that uncommon.
But I just keep picturing myself with one tooth falling out at a time until I am that old lady at the nursing home who lost her dentures and just says, 'who cares' and lives without teeth. ugh. I don't want to be known as the toothless grandma. I don't know what my problem is! My mom had false teeth and she was awesome! Maybe she scarred me because we would beg her to take them out (which she hardly ever did) and show us. She would do it and we would scream and then she would laugh and we would too. But maybe deep down I didn't think it was that funny. I don't know. But the truth is, it's not just about me now. It's about my little boy. And my dentist said I have a "toxic tooth" in my body and that's not good for the baby either. sigh....so, out it must come. He said we will get a bridge or do something after the baby is born, but until then we just need to get my mouth healthy.
On a brighter note, the lady who cleaned my teeth told me 3 times that I do a good job with 'home care' and my teeth looked really good. 5 gold stars for my efforts, but sometimes even when you do all the right things you still get the tooth pulled. It's ok. It's not the end of the world. I just get nervous. I want the best for my baby and I feel like I let him down already. I know I did the best I could, but life happens. And now my goal is to stay calm and peaceful until I can get it removed. The first available appointment they had was May 21st!!! Yes, that's a long ways away. They put me on the cancelation list and told me to call if it got worse. The tooth doesn't really bother me so much during the day, but at night I can't sleep well. It wakes me up throbbing. And so that coupled with me trying to get used to an oversized belly has been challenging. If they don't call me by next week I will probably call them and see if I can get in sooner. I can't wait over a month for this procedure. Please keep all of this in your prayers. And that the antibiotics I have to take wont do anything crazy to the baby. They tell me they are safe, but I'm a crazy hormonal mother now, so, yeah.
A GREAT STORY to share with you from last weekend....
Several years ago while we were trying to get pregnant, our ministry was at a youth conference and after one of the sessions I was up front praying with some of the girls. A 13 year old girl came up to me and confessed that she had just found out she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby and was thinking about having an abortion. I talked with her a bit and prayed with her as well as got her in touch with people from her town etc. Then I went to the balcony and cried my eyes out. It seemed so unfair for me - woman with infertility who would do anything for a child - to be 'randomly' put with a girl who had barely started her period and was pregnant. She didn't want the baby (and rightly so, she was 13) and I did. The madness of life. As I cried, an older woman saw me and came over to see if I was ok. I ended up telling her my whole story and she cried with me, prayed with me and vowed to continue to pray for me. We exchanged addresses and said good-bye. We wrote a few times, but over the years we lost touch.
This weekend we were in Iowa. It was a great weekend of ministry and as we finished out our final program I felt like God wanted me to share my Hope Story and then shared that I was pregnant. I shared my testimony and talked of how God does what He says He's going to do. He is faithful. He will restore your heart and revive old dreams that are deep within us. I shared all of that. After the program I was standing by our table greeting people and a woman and her husband came up. Both were crying. It was the woman from that balcony so many years ago. They didn't go to the church we were at, but they heard we were coming and thought we might be the same group they saw back then. She hugged me and said she was so happy for me. She said she never stopped praying. Her husband was crying too. He said I'm on her prayer list and she prays for me so often. I couldn't believe it. God had continued to put me on the hearts of others that I hardly knew. He continued to bring my face to a woman who loved God and loved me. And God heard her. He heard all of us. And here we are. :)
It was an amazing moment to be reunited with a prayer warrior like that. God is so good to me. He continues to spoil me with moments of His love. I'm so thankful.
Tooth or no tooth, God is amazing and He continues to show me how amazing and loved this little boy inside of me really is.
First, I'm 21 weeks!!! More than 1/2 way done! It's hard to believe, but my body is changing so much forcing me to know that we are moving right along now! HAPPY DANCE!!!!!
Next, my disclaimer is that I am NOT complaining and I also understand that things could be MUCH worse. But I'm realizing in any stage of life there are things that bother us and cause us frustration. It doesn't mean you don't like the season you're in, it just means even in a good season, life still happens.
I woke up last week with a toothache. I can't explain to you why my teeth upset me emotionally. Maybe it's because my mother had false teeth by the time she was 30. Or maybe it's because I don't want to have bad teeth. Maybe it's because I could brush my teeth every day and floss AND gargle with the best mouthwash and still get cavities. It's frustrating. Knowing this, last October I was determined to get my teeth checked and cleaned before we did treatments. I had a bad couple teeth in the back and I had to have a root canal. It wasn't bad. But then a month later it started to hurt again. So he did a "re-treatment". This one hurt very bad. THEN in December it started hurting ... AGAIN! I was super frustrated and it was right before treatment. They took an x-ray and found nothing wrong with it. So they gave me antibiotics and hoped for the best. Everything seemed fine until last week. It started hurting, again. Perfect timing because now I'm pregnant and what am I to do? I know, get a new dentist. Which I did.
The new dentist is awesome. Like, really awesome. His staff from the first hello were so kind and helpful. They made me feel like I'd been a patient for years. I went to see him and he looked at the tooth and said we had to take an x-ray of it to really know what is going on. They covered me with those heavy shield things and took it. Then he got really silent. After 30 seconds of looking at the x-ray, then looking at the nurse, then looking at me and back at the x-ray, he told me the tooth needs to come out.
I think a part of me feels like I'm going to end up like mom with no teeth. I know lots of people who have had teeth removed. It's not that uncommon.
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| not my mom-haha |
On a brighter note, the lady who cleaned my teeth told me 3 times that I do a good job with 'home care' and my teeth looked really good. 5 gold stars for my efforts, but sometimes even when you do all the right things you still get the tooth pulled. It's ok. It's not the end of the world. I just get nervous. I want the best for my baby and I feel like I let him down already. I know I did the best I could, but life happens. And now my goal is to stay calm and peaceful until I can get it removed. The first available appointment they had was May 21st!!! Yes, that's a long ways away. They put me on the cancelation list and told me to call if it got worse. The tooth doesn't really bother me so much during the day, but at night I can't sleep well. It wakes me up throbbing. And so that coupled with me trying to get used to an oversized belly has been challenging. If they don't call me by next week I will probably call them and see if I can get in sooner. I can't wait over a month for this procedure. Please keep all of this in your prayers. And that the antibiotics I have to take wont do anything crazy to the baby. They tell me they are safe, but I'm a crazy hormonal mother now, so, yeah.
A GREAT STORY to share with you from last weekend....
Several years ago while we were trying to get pregnant, our ministry was at a youth conference and after one of the sessions I was up front praying with some of the girls. A 13 year old girl came up to me and confessed that she had just found out she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby and was thinking about having an abortion. I talked with her a bit and prayed with her as well as got her in touch with people from her town etc. Then I went to the balcony and cried my eyes out. It seemed so unfair for me - woman with infertility who would do anything for a child - to be 'randomly' put with a girl who had barely started her period and was pregnant. She didn't want the baby (and rightly so, she was 13) and I did. The madness of life. As I cried, an older woman saw me and came over to see if I was ok. I ended up telling her my whole story and she cried with me, prayed with me and vowed to continue to pray for me. We exchanged addresses and said good-bye. We wrote a few times, but over the years we lost touch.
This weekend we were in Iowa. It was a great weekend of ministry and as we finished out our final program I felt like God wanted me to share my Hope Story and then shared that I was pregnant. I shared my testimony and talked of how God does what He says He's going to do. He is faithful. He will restore your heart and revive old dreams that are deep within us. I shared all of that. After the program I was standing by our table greeting people and a woman and her husband came up. Both were crying. It was the woman from that balcony so many years ago. They didn't go to the church we were at, but they heard we were coming and thought we might be the same group they saw back then. She hugged me and said she was so happy for me. She said she never stopped praying. Her husband was crying too. He said I'm on her prayer list and she prays for me so often. I couldn't believe it. God had continued to put me on the hearts of others that I hardly knew. He continued to bring my face to a woman who loved God and loved me. And God heard her. He heard all of us. And here we are. :)
It was an amazing moment to be reunited with a prayer warrior like that. God is so good to me. He continues to spoil me with moments of His love. I'm so thankful.
Tooth or no tooth, God is amazing and He continues to show me how amazing and loved this little boy inside of me really is.
Monday, April 15, 2013
insanity and purpose
When I heard about the attack at the Boston Marathon today, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The first thing I thought was that my brothers run marathons and either of them could've easily been there. Kelly was only an hour away from New York when 9-11 happened and it was scary to think of how close he was to that situation. I have a cousin in Boston, she and her husband are fine, Thank God.
I got home and it was so nice out that I decided to take a walk. The complex where I live moved all of our dumpsters to the west side of the complex so we have to drive our garbage there. It's super annoying. But today I decided I would just walk it over during my walk. I was so saddened by the events of today and I was praying that God would bless the people, the injured, the families of the people that died. As I was praying I started thinking about how this world needs more God. It needs people of God to stand up and love the unloved. There are too many people who feel alone or excluded and they do crazy things. We need more of God's Presence on this Earth. We need more of His Kingdom. I was praying and thinking about all of this when I threw my trash in the dumpster and noticed something. Someone had thrown a Kingdom in the trash.
I stood there and couldn't believe what I was looking at. There, among the old banana peels and empty bottles, was a perfectly put together Kingdom with king, queen, prince, knights, horses and even a jester. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought someone needs to take that Kingdom out of the trash, clean it up and use it as it was meant to be used. It was perfect looking, but in the wrong place. It had cobwebs and had been unused for a long time. Why wouldn't someone clean it off and use it? It's perfect looking! Or at the very least sell or give it to a child around my neighborhood. It didn't make any sense to me at all. I just knew I had to rescue it. Yes, I dumpster dive. Because good things like Kingdoms, kings and queens shouldn't be thrown away and taken off to be destroyed. They should be played with, used to nurture others and help them grow.
I pray that God's kingdom comes to Earth this week. I pray that God's people will bring love and peace to situations that don't make any sense. That we won't just sit and do our own thing or throw the Kingdom away and make our own trash but that we will look and find people all around us that just need a kind word.
I got home and it was so nice out that I decided to take a walk. The complex where I live moved all of our dumpsters to the west side of the complex so we have to drive our garbage there. It's super annoying. But today I decided I would just walk it over during my walk. I was so saddened by the events of today and I was praying that God would bless the people, the injured, the families of the people that died. As I was praying I started thinking about how this world needs more God. It needs people of God to stand up and love the unloved. There are too many people who feel alone or excluded and they do crazy things. We need more of God's Presence on this Earth. We need more of His Kingdom. I was praying and thinking about all of this when I threw my trash in the dumpster and noticed something. Someone had thrown a Kingdom in the trash.
I stood there and couldn't believe what I was looking at. There, among the old banana peels and empty bottles, was a perfectly put together Kingdom with king, queen, prince, knights, horses and even a jester. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought someone needs to take that Kingdom out of the trash, clean it up and use it as it was meant to be used. It was perfect looking, but in the wrong place. It had cobwebs and had been unused for a long time. Why wouldn't someone clean it off and use it? It's perfect looking! Or at the very least sell or give it to a child around my neighborhood. It didn't make any sense to me at all. I just knew I had to rescue it. Yes, I dumpster dive. Because good things like Kingdoms, kings and queens shouldn't be thrown away and taken off to be destroyed. They should be played with, used to nurture others and help them grow.
I pray that God's kingdom comes to Earth this week. I pray that God's people will bring love and peace to situations that don't make any sense. That we won't just sit and do our own thing or throw the Kingdom away and make our own trash but that we will look and find people all around us that just need a kind word.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Announcing on Facebook!
Hi facebook friends! Welcome to my blog. :)
I realize now that we’ve posted on Facebook there might be other people coming and reading about what has been happening in our lives in the last few months. Here’s the short-ish recap. :)
Drew and I have tried for over 13 years to start our family. We have tried naturally, we have taken herbs, acupuncture, eating healthy, special oils, special prayer, regular prayer, dr’s visits, fertility treatments etc. We’ve tried adoption, foster care and we finally decided to try Invitro Fertilization (IVF). The tricky thing about IVF is you can’t really raise money like adoption, so we saved money for a long time and were finally able to afford the treatments in December of 2012. Although December is a busy month for us (Drew’s b’day, our Anniversary, church stuff, as well as Christmas) we were so thankful to do our treatment in December. I really wanted to “get it over with” and start 2013 with a clean slate. I was at the point where I was content with where God had us and if that meant no kids, then I was fine with that. Don’t think for a minute that this is the reason the treatment worked. I do believe God works like that sometimes, but there were plenty of times over the 13 years that I felt like I “gave it to God” and we still didn’t get pregnant. I was so convinced that this treatment wasn’t going to work that I almost filled out adoption paperwork at the end of December, but my sister encouraged me to wait a bit longer.
Imagine my surprise after 13 years of waiting when I saw 2 lines on the stick. I was a one line person!!! But there we were, stunned, looking at 2 lines. It was confirmed a few days later that yes, we were indeed pregnant. The story is posted on my blog starting in the late November postings. You can go back and read all the details from the shots to the retrieval to the transfer, the 2 week wait and finally the first test. It’s been a crazy journey, but a good one. I encourage you to read about the process in my blog. I had no idea what it was about until we were in it and I gotta tell ya, it was an amazing process. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, the process was amazing.
God is so faithful. Even through all of January I found it hard to believe that after 13 years we were now with child. Even now looking at my belly and finding out the gender, it’s so hard for me to believe. But my body is reminding me everyday that this is happening. God really hears our prayers. Even the ones that we’ve prayed for for years and never thought would be answered. He secretly waits for the right time to reveal Himself if we stay with Him. I could have never written the story of my life. It’s much too complicated and I would’ve keep all of the tragedy out of it. But it’s the tragedy that has made the triumphs so sweet. I can’t explain how this pregnancy, this miracle, has affected people. People I don’t even know were crying when they found out about our coming baby. And I think it’s because Hope was being restored; not only in my life, but in thiers. It’s a reminder that if God can do this for me, maybe He can do it for other people too. It has been a long winter, but the promise of Spring is here.
Thanks for reading about what God is doing with us. If you are REALLY bored you can start at the beginning of the story here:
Journey to our blessing!
Journey to our blessing!
I will continue to blog as I know family is keeping updated here so please feel free to stop by. It’s not always about baby stuff as life is much much bigger than baby stuff. But as we continue to live out our new miracle I ask that you would keep us in your prayers and know that we are praying for God’s blessing and goodness in your life too.
Holy Moly..It's A........
First, let me say, I'm SO happy that everything is great with the baby. I was most concerned about that today as a little fear had crept in. To hear the ultrasound tech say over and over "that's beautiful" was the best news I could have heard all day. She would see the heart and say, "that's beautiful", the brain, "that's beautiful" and every little part of it's body. Then she asked us if we wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and we said, "YES!". So she looked, took a picture and said....
click the link ;)
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