I find myself happy

I just found myself moving in my chair to the sounds of jazz music that my husband had playing in the background. I didn't realize I was doing that and it hit me all of a sudden, I'm happy.

I've been happy for a long time, but a friend of mine gave me a card a few weeks ago that said "she never realized how perfect she felt until now".  And it's so true. To know there is a little one growing just inches from my heart is the most amazing indescribable feeling. I learned that this week it is moving and if I push hard enough the baby would respond to that. It also is learning to suck. Just thinking about a little 2 inch lime sized baby sucking is amazing to me.

I've been doing well, feeling well. I'm working a lot right now so I have to be careful with my free time as I feel very tired most of the time.  This post will be short because of that.  I just got home (at 10pm) from work, dinner and grocery shopping. Drew is amazing. He's putting all the groceries away and picking things up before he goes to bed. He told me to go to bed, so naturally I listened but thought I would blog for a min first. ;)

I just discovered that family is coming in March. I'm so excited about that! Kelly is coming at some point, not sure when, and Kari and family are coming for Easter. I'm so thankful that they are willing to come to me. I miss all of them so much.

I went out in the snow storm last friday morning to find myself some pants that I could wear to work. I've decided I need to feel comfy and my other pants aren't doing it. So, I found ONE pair. But I guess that's better than nothing.  I have several jeans my friend gave me, but I really needed dress pants. That's what I wear everyday so I have to feel comfy at work.  So with that purchase that brings me to 3 pairs. :)  Happy me.  I was overwhelmed with love from a friend that I haven't seen in over 10 years. Her and her husband support our ministry (the only people who have faithfully given every year since the beginning of our ministry. AMAZING!) and I sent a letter recently sharing what's happening in our lives. She sent me a great letter back sharing with me stories about her children (now VERY big and practically out of the house) and how faithful God has been for her and her family. She also gave me a generous gift so I could go get something nice for myself. Little did she know that I needed dress pants so bad and the day I had a meltdown about feeling "fat" that letter came. God is so kind to me.

There is more I could say as people have been pouring themselves out with joy and prayers for us, but I have to go to bed. I'm so very tired and we are up early for work tomorrow. Thank you all for continuing to pray for me and the baby. I know that it is why this baby is growing so well and feeling so much love. I'm so blessed.

Good night for now....

xoxo

kat

Smiths + 1 = 11 Weeks

Hello 11 weeks!!!!

Here we are at the beginning of week 11 and I can't believe it.  We had our first OB appointment today.  I was extremely nervous.  We walked in and I stumbled over my words while trying to 'sign in'. I then fumbled through my purse to get my insurance card and proceeded to turn around knocking things off the shelf.

"Sit down and breathe!", Drew told me.  "I'm nervous!", I said back to him.  He smiled and said he knew that and that it was ok.  We were about to say a prayer together when the door opened and it was my turn. Those nurses never come when you want them to and the moment you need a minute, there they are! I went in and got weighed (NOT my favorite part) and then the nurse showed me to a room where she asked me a few questions as well as asked Drew a few questions. She told me the dr. might want to do an exam so I was to get ready for that. Dr. W came in and she was so excited about our pregnancy.  She's a straight shooter kinda lady, yet very laid back.  She's experienced and has been doing this for over 20 years. She congratulated us and then we talked for a bit.  She told me my pregnancy has been great so far. That we were really lucky to get pregnant the first time and that we were equally lucky to only have one.  She said twins, although cute etc cause a higher risk to the babies as well as the mother. I knew all this, Dr. B said the same thing, but I guess the more I hear it the better it makes me feel that I only have one. Even though I still cry sometimes about the one that vanished. She said everything looked great. She did a quick exam and then she pulled out her monitor, squeezed the goop on my belly and for the first time in that office with that doctor I heard the heartbeat. I don't think I will ever get used to hearing that noise. It was 170 and she said that was right on track. It sounded healthy. I'm doing it right. The baby is living. God is protecting it. It is still growing! She told me because everything is going so well I am NOT high risk and I won't have to go back for FOUR WEEKS!!! UGH>>seriously, there should be a special lane for IVF patients (especially ones that have waiting for over 12 years) to have ultrasounds every other week. I mean, waiting 2 weeks was hard, 4 WEEKS?? I'm gonna need some distractions.

After the next appt. on March 13th we will wait ANOTHER 4 weeks for the next appt. which will include our ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby.  Yes we are going to find out. Yes we are going to share. I'm not one for that kind of secret. I mean, I can't keep it that long, nor do I have the energy to try.  And I've waited this long, I'm done with the whole waiting thing. I really think for me knowing the gender will allow me to bond with the baby too.  I'm excited to find that part out. :) But again...8 weeks away. 8. (Lord help me!)

Drew and I left the office and as soon as I got in the car I started crying. I cried for the next few hours. Yes, that means at work. Yes I had to explain to Mark the guy I share a cube with that I'm crying because everything is great and I'm happy and not to worry. (he offered me his kleenix AND his wife's number who is a labor and delivery nurse. I might have scared him a little. haha) But I just couldn't get over the fact that I was in that office. I know, it sounds strange. I mean, I LOVED hearing the heartbeat and that made me cry a little, but what I was majorly weeping over today was that I was one of "them".

I've been going to that office for at least 5 years now for my yearly exam. Every time I go I see pregnant women and they are all cute reading their little pregnant magazines. That was never me. I thought that would never be me. Ever. So although I was happy for them, I secretly rolled my eyes at their glowing face and smooth hair. I longed for there to be an office where I could go for my yearly without being reminded that I was NOT in that club nor was I going there anytime soon. Dr. W was the one that encouraged us to think about IVF. She told me she thought we had a really good chance for it working. It was strange to go back to that office as me-the new pregnant lady. Me. I sat in the chair (after picking up everything I ran into) looking at those magazines sitting on the table. I could read those now. I kinda wanted to, but there was something in me telling me that was still for 'them'. I know it sounds crazy cuz it's just an office and they are just dumb magazines, but for me it was 12+ years of avoidance of something that was extremely painful to me. So to look at them and know I now have free admission to read them and be there, well, I just felt bad. Disbelief. Undeserving. Confusion. Nervous. Confliction. That was what I was feeling before they called my name and made me step on that stupid scale.

But today I conquered one more hurdle in that old land where I used to live. I showed myself that I do belong there now. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I'm a mother. I'm responsible for something that has a heart and it's beating. I'm doing my best and for now, I guess that's enough. I can't believe that God is letting me experience this. I feel like He was with me this morning smiling and whispering, "You were always deserving of this. It's just the beginning". He's just so so good to me. He has surrounded me with family and amazing friends and amazing co-workers (who are really just good friends). I'm so thankful. So blessed. This baby is so blessed. I love it so much already. Who would've thought that was even possible. That I would even have a baby to love. It's amazing how much love gushes in, even when you just open the door a crack.

I even got a special bag full of goodies from the doctor today. And guess what was in it? A cute little pregnancy magazine. Just for me.

Ok, I say yes

On this night 17 years ago Drew asked me to marry him.

I've never been a fan of valentines day. 2 boys broke up with me on that day. One even took my candy filled heart box right out of my hands as he walked off with his friends. Izzy..that was his name. I hate that name.  I think it all worked out in my favor.  But Drew always asks me what I want for valentines day, and I usually say the same thing, "make me something".  Those of you who know drew know that he is creative. He makes awesome stuff when he puts his time and mind into it. So I knew whatever he was going to make me 17 years ago was going to be awesome.

It was a blizzard that Valentines Eve and Drew asked me out on a date and proceeded to drive me all over the place showing me places where we spent time together. I was a little annoyed I have to admit. I had a ton of homework to do and the last thing I wanted to do was be out driving around in a snow storm. Remember those cards that used to be popular with the kids in the black and white photo with the red rose, you remember, right? They were always dressed up to look like adults. They were cute. He took like 12 of those and wrote something sweet in them like a poem or scripture. For example, the first place he took me was the library at the school we attended.  That was the first place we told each other we liked one another. We were in the back of the library sitting on the floor weeping because we were both scared and didn't want to like each other but we couldn't deny that we did. We were best friends and we didn't want to screw that up. But that day, we became more. No kiss. No secret hand shake. Just a conversation filled with lots and lots of tears. He said to me that snowy night, "This is where we confessed our love for each other, this is where you first taught me the virtue of love".  And he gave me a card that had writing in it about the virtue of love. It was sweet. But then he drove me (in the winter storm) to several other places all over town that were monumental to our relationship. First kiss...first movie...first fight...and then we ended up at the church where we were going to get married.  He said, "This is where we will get married and where you will teach me the virtue love again".  He handed me the last card and I thought, "holy moly this is it!" but there was no ring, no proposal. So I thought that was a nice night before V-day gift and he drove me back to my apartment (in the snow).  When we arrived, he walked me to my door and my friend Ryan was leaving. I thought that was strange, but he lived across the parking lot (with Drew) and so I didn't think much of it. I opened the door and all the lights were off. Candles were lit. (this is now seeming QUITE cheesy, I have to admit) and I could see my roommates hiding behind furniture. Yup, this was the moment he was going to pop the question.

He sat me down on a blanket where a picnic of mac-n-cheese and tulips were placed and then he said, "You told me to make you something for Valentines Day, so I thought I would make you my wife"

       ********************INSERT AWWWWWW'S HERE************************

17 years ago I forgot to say yes. But even so, here we are. I'm so blessed to have this man.
I love you drew.

smiths + 1

Wiggles on Graduation Day!

I was away for a long weekend with college girls as Laura and I ministered at a conference in the UP of MI.  It was an AMAZING weekend in so many ways.  I was a little afraid of going as it was 6 hours away from home and from my dr., but God was SO faithful this weekend. Laura pampered me and wouldn't let me walk 5 steps without holding my arm in that crazy 4 feet of snow up there. We also drove everywhere so no chance of slipping!  I was also scared to speak for 45 minutes as I'm usually expressive and I didn't want to do anything too expressive for fear of over doing it with my body.  But I felt great on stage.  I felt great all weekend.  I even got to take a a nice little nap next to this amazing fire that I made.   It was great.

I woke up this morning and Drew and I drove to our ultrasound appointment. I knew if everything was ok, this would be our last one with Dr. B and his staff.  I was nervous. I have been feeling more nauseous lately, and tired as well, ok, and emotional...but I was mostly nervous just praying that everything was ok. There was no reason to feel or think that it wasn't ok, but still, the nerves.

The staff is so nice there.  As soon as we got there they led us into the normal ultrasound room where we got ready. Dr. B came in and asked me if my team one the superbowl.  The regular chit-chat went on and then we started the exam. From the moment anything was on the screen we saw a little, tiny baby leg kicking, kicking kicking!!!!! We were so shocked! I think even Dr. B was surprised.  Drew was shuffling to get his camera out and I think he started crying. I'm not sure because my eyes were totally fixed on the screen.  I had NO intention of seeing a baby leg, let alone see it KICK-KICK-KICK!!!!

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  He then when on to measure how big it is and told me that "it's not starving" which I guess means it's growing. haha.  Then we heard the heartbeat again, and it was perfectly on schedule with 9 1/2 weeks.  The baby was squirming so much that he had a hard time getting a picture of it at first. He showed us the 2 hemispheres of the brain and how they are growing. He showed us where the spine is developing.  He showed us the umbilical cord. In MY body, right now, there is an umbilical cord! Attached to a BABY! He said everything looks great.  Other great news was that I'm almost done taking my estrogen and progesterone  SO excited about that as those are not fun to take. It was a great exam and I remembered to ask all my questions. It looks like I've gained a little weight through this process (DUH--I'm basically not moving EVER and eating whatever sounds good) but he said not to worry about that. So I will take that advice and finish my Strawberry shake from Coldstone that I asked my awesome husband to get me. He's pretty great. So was the strawberry shake. 

After the exam we walked out to the lobby and heard graduation music.  We have graduated from the fertility clinic.  I can't believe it.

We said our goodbyes and they said there's a place for our baby picture on the wall and we'd better keep in touch. He told us they have a repossess policy if we don't visit and we laughed. Then we lingered in the office for a few more minutes because after all of this it seems strange to leave. But there really was nothing else, so we said our last goodbyes and shut the door on that chapter of our lives. Goodbye infertility.

We got to the car and were beside ourselves with joy. We just laughed and cried and praised God and cried more. You guys, I can't explain to you as I write this in tears, how it felt to see a living being inside my body...kick...kick..kicking.  Drew and I are still beside ourselves. I know we aren't out of the woods yet, and that this is still the first trimester, and blah blah blah...but I have today.  Today I have life living inside of me. Today MY baby that is INSIDE of ME was KICKING KICKING KICKING! One of the most amazing days of my life that I thought I would never have.

humbled...joyous...in awe...blessed...remembered...

Mashed Potatoes and Nutty Bars

So sorry for my lateness in writing another post.  I seemed to have gained a love for sleep the past few weeks and so that is what I've been doing.  The roughest time of the day is 2:30pm - 8 then 8:30-12. You get the idea.

It's only been one week and 4 days since I heard that cute little heartbeat and I must say it wasn't really until this week that I started to feel like it's real.  Even though I know I heard that heartbeat.  It's such a strange thing.  I'm officially 8 weeks and 6 days-ish today. But I'm sure all of that will change when he measures the baby again. Baby stuff is weird.  I've been feeling good though.  Just a few cravings here and there.  Yes, mashed potatoes and nutty bars.  No, not together, that's gross. But I'm feeling pretty normal.  I do have slight tugging and pulling at times down there which is strange. I'm sure it's just things growing but its odd.  And I do have to pee like every 20 minutes, but I am drinking a lot of water.  I guess I'm doing pretty good.  OH--the dreams...I've had some crazy ones so far.  I've dreamt I had 3 very long horrible boobs. And I kept trying to figure out why I had 3 and what the heck I was supposed to do with them!  (sorry uncles, it's true and it was horrible!) I've dreamt I was trying to take a shower but every time I would step in my clothes would be back on.  And some I can't even write cuz they were that strange. Some pretty weird stuff.

We went for a visit to see Kari and fam. It was so good to see them. When mom and dad died, Kari took some of mom's yarn from the sewing room.  Mom used to crochet or knit blankets all the time.  Well, several years ago Kari ended up giving it to a woman she worked with at the time because she thought she could use it more than Kari could.  When Kari had Jonathan's baby shower that woman gave her a baby blanket knitted with the yarn that was moms.  When we went to visit Kari & fam last week she gave that blanket to me and said it's like a part of mom is with me now.  I burst into tears (as I am now) and I'm so thankful for having such a wonderful sister who would be willing to share such a special gift with me.  I sleep with it next to me knowing my mom is smiling. And knowing my baby has a gift from Grandma Jane.


It's been a pretty emotional week.

Honestly, the thing I've been thinking about most is how God loves me. I mean, seriously. I was totally content with God before baby. He's given me so much in my life including Himself.  I am so totally humbled to think He would look deep into my desires and gently give life to it.  It is overwhelming.

Someone had asked the significance of the heart in my ultrasound and so I thought I would share that story.

Several years ago Drew and I were going through a very rough time in our marriage.  The kind that most don't make it through.  We had our mornings at home so we would get up and go for morning walks.  One morning I woke up and was feeling so depressed and completely broken.  Drew told me for some reason he felt like God wanted to give me His heart.  Drew thought it was strange, but that's what God kept bringing to his mind to tell me.  I honestly didn't care what Drew or God had to say to me and I wasn't interested in God's cryptic messages.  So we got up that morning and went for our morning walk.  During our walk Drew said again, "I know it's strange but I really feel like God wants to give you His heart".  I rolled my eyes and then looked at the ground and this is what I saw:

Interesting.

I thought, 'that's weird.' and I picked it up and kept walking.  Drew of course thought that was awesome.  haha.  Well, since that day, God has continued to give me His heart.  First I would see hearts that were random paper on the ground or something common like that.  It was weird because I started seeing them everywhere.  It started to get a bit strange.

I started taking pictures of them and now have thousands of pictures.  I'm in the process of uploading them to a new site called, LiveDifferentLiveLoved.com   I share this story with lots of people and talk about how God is trying so hard to get our attention, but we are missing Him.  He's in the everyday but we pass right by.  It's like He is saying, "I love you.  I love you. I love you." But we are not seeing it. We are too busy.  We just keep living.  Without Him.

I told this story to a group and a woman came up to me afterwards and said, "You live differently when you live loved".  She was right. She was so right. Ever since then I've been trying to wrap my brain around why God loves me so much.  Why He not only gave his son to die so that I can be free to live as His daughter in His kingdom, but that He LONGS to spend time with me and He LONGS to see me succeed and laugh and have Joy and Peace and just be..happy!  He has been overwhelming me my whole life with how He loves me.  It's really pretty hard to believe.  But I know it's true. I know He does love me.  And it has made me live differently.

You can see some of the pictures of the hearts at this site: http://livedifferentliveloved.com/.  I'm still uploading pics, it's taking a lot of time. :)

God is so good.

Laura and I are speaking at a retreat this weekend so if you think about it please pray for us.  It's in the UP of Michigan, far from home.  I'm not worried, but I wish I wasn't going so far away. I kinda like staying close to home in my 9 weeks growing a baby life.  But God ordained this program, so I know I will be ok and that God will be present, change lives (even mine) and keep us safe.  Besides, he gave us this...

and then this.....

He is so so so good.

There was only ONE Jesus, just sayin

Ok, so we along with most of you thought for SURE there would be at least twins.  I was extremely nervous as you all know.  But I was nervous for many reasons.  I was nervous because I wasn't sure anything was going on down there.  And then we saw something moving.  It was the heart. A strong heart. A heart that I've been waiting my whole life to see.  A heart that God has allowed to be released from Heaven to come and join us for as long has He wills.  A heart that looks like God, beats like God and is strong like God.  I never, ever, ever thought I would see that heart.  But today, I did.  I just can't believe it.  No denying now (Anna, I'm at 100% belief now!), we are having a baby.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  God is so good to us! I'm so glad Drew video taped it, or I might feel like it never happened.  I might feel like it was a dream.  Well, it is a dream, one that I've been waiting to be a part of for a long, long time.

Now I know you were all guessing high numbers.  I was too.  And I am disappointed, shocked and sad to only see ONE beautiful heartbeat today.  The dr. saw some fluid next to the other sac and he thought that might be what they call a vanishing twin.  Basically, it's an embryo that started to implant but didn't make it. So I do mourn the idea of knowing that there was a moment of twinness in my life.  Everyone loves multiples.  They are just fun.  Drew and I have always thought we would have twins.  Probably 10 people have had dreams that we would have twins. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity for God to allow that to happen.  It's a miracle that we are pregnant.  God is so good. Twins would be a miracle too, but as Drew said earlier today, "this is just the beginning of our family and it's a strong start".  He is so right and that makes me smile.  I have to remember that it's ok to mourn the loss of something that might have been.  I'm completely sentimental in normal life, then ramp that up by 1000 because of hormones and this seems overwhelming to me.  HOWEVER - I also am reminded that it is amazing that I am pregnant at all.  Here are the stats for a successful IVF:

• 30 to 35% for women under age 35
• 25% for women ages 35 to 37
• 15 to 20% for women ages 38 to 40
• 6 to 10% for women ages over 40

6-20% - That's out of 100% people!  God doesn't work on numbers, but I want to post what a low chance this procedure was for us.  I overheard the nurses talking the day of my transfer.  They were telling each other that IVF almost never works the first time.  That the dr's have to figure out what meds work on you etc. and this can take time.  God doesn't work on the advice of others.  Or on stats. He works on His plan.  His timing.  And this is His plan for us, in this exact moment in time, and it's amazing.

I wrote the title "There was only ONE Jesus" because it's true.  There was only one.  There was only one Moses. There was only one Isaac. There was only one John the Baptist. Only one Mother Theresa and it only takes one to change the world. 

We are blessed.  We are excited.  It's time to rejoice, there's another Smith coming into the world. 

Here we go!

Ok everyone, I'm off to bed. Then I will wake.  Then I will go find out many answers.  Then I will blog again for the GRAND REVEAL!


Until tomorrow......

36 hours to go

Well, the excitement is growing! In almost 36 hours we will be in a room with the doctor getting a lot of questions answered!  I have to admit I'm more nervous than excited. I think I will be excited AFTER the appointment.  Mostly I just want to know that something really IS going on down there and that all is well.  I've been told my fears are normal.  I don't know if they are normal or not but I've been praying safety, love, growth, God's breath, and peace over all 3 embies hoping that they are no longer embies but they are now forming hearts, heads, legs & arms (flippers), eye and ear sockets and so many more intricate things that God is forming.  I'm asking for perfection.

I'm learning a new definition of fear.

I've done many fearful things in my life. I bungie jumped one time. I was scared out of my pants, but I just closed my eyes and as it took my breath away on the way down I knew it would be ok.  I knew somehow that I would bounce back on that cord.  I've gotten a few tattoo's.  Not that I was afraid to do it, but once you're in that chair there's no going back. I've sat there for at least an hour in pain trying to go to a happy place in my head until it's over.  My dad scared me once so bad that I ran all the way upstairs to my room and hid under my covers crying. I never look out the windows at night.  These days I try to stay away from things that scare me.  I don't go to haunted houses in October.  I don't watch scary movies.  I hardly watch CSI if I think it's going to put things in my head that will scare me later. Today I woke up so emotional.

In my heart of hearts I feel everything is ok, but I have a little fear that something might not be ok, although I have NO evidence (and MUCH evidence of the opposite) to back that fear up.  GOD IS FAITHFUL!  Talk about believing something that you can't even see. (Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being confident of what we can't even see! Heb.1:11) Although I have that little weed of fear that everything is ok, I also have fears of other things.  I am about to be responsible for 1-? little babies at the same time.  I've been around babies for a long time.  I've taken care of Laura's kids like they were my own.  But that's just it, they aren't my own. When they are sick she takes them to the doctor.  Ultimately I don't have to think about that at all.  But now I do. It's my responsibility to make sure they are fed good food (even now!), clothed, holy, happy and on and on it goes.  I do believe this is the beginning of me taking care of something that's completely out of my control. I can see now why wisdom is so important. I remember one of my friends Montina had a premie baby many years ago. He was only a few days old and was starting to choke on some guck that was still from the birth. (I don't know about any of that, sorry I can't explain it better)  I remember feeling FREAKED out because I didn't know what to do. But she just picked him up and sucked it out with that sucker thing like she'd been doing it her whole life.  THAT is scary to me. I know these fears might sound stupid, but I really really do pray that I'm able to be a good parent.  I know I'm going to screw something up, but I really really don't want to. I really want to do everything right.

I'm hoping I will feel a bit better on Friday after our appointment. I know God prepares us for the seasons He calls us to. I know it will be ok.  I know I'm not alone. I know I woke up this morning happy and 5 minutes later I was crying and 5 minutes later I was mad and then 5 minutes later laughing again and then I wanted more orange juice. Yes, hormones have kicked in FULL force. I guess it's all a part of the process.  I feel like there is a giant timer set for 9 months and we are down to less than 8 to go which seems like forever and sometimes I'm thankful. I need time. I gotta believe this is real.  I hope somewhere along this journey to birthing babies that I find Wisdom. I pray she blesses me and gives me all that I need.

One thing is for sure, I have plenty of mom's around me to ask for help. I know I'm not alone. And for that I am very thankful.

Boy this was a downer post.  haha.  Anyone want to guess how many babies are growing inside me? So far Karen from work said 2 (1 girl and 1boy) and Jennie from work says 3 (2g 1b) I thought about doing a raffle or something to raise money for diapers, but I guess it's too late for that.

What's your guess?         What's your guess? 

Everything smells bad

Week 6 day 1 ....and I didn't feel the best today. I slept in a bit and didn't shower so that always makes me feel yucky to begin with. We decided to take out Christmas stuff down today which ended up being a feat since I got tired every 5 seconds.  Needless to say I have the best husband who did a TON of work today while I tried to help here and there.  5 days till ultrasound!  I'm praying in baby steps meaning this week my goal is to get to Friday. Every time I feel a bit strange in my belly I sit down and pray. Today I prayed because something didn't feel right.  Then I pooped.  HA! Maybe that was an answer to prayer, but I'm analyzing every little anything that happens down there. I guess that's normal - so they say.

This week the embryo doesn't look much like an embryo anymore! This week it will be the size of a lima bean and grow flippers for future legs and arms. It begins to have holes for ears as well as the heart starts beating. It's really hard to believe that is happening inside of me. But it's true, so I'm continuing to pray through the process that each part of their body is created perfectly in the image of God.

I've been super tired this weekend. I've resolved to believe that I crave orange juice, even though it seems strange to admit to craving anything. Also today everything stank. Our hallway smelled of smoke (our neighbor smokes), our closet smelled like I don't even know what and certain foods just made me want to throw up.  Oh man, super spidey smelling senses isn't normal for sure.

I went to a ninja birthday party on Friday for Ryan and Laura's little Elijah.  Aunt Nancy & Mandy made these:

I was SO thankful to have a little sushi..even if it was fake. mmmmmm sushi.....

So life has been moving at a slow pace. I'm enjoying the slow pace as I'm beginning to realize this is the last season of my life I might feel this, at least for awhile. But there's so much good in each season.  I'm so thankful for each of them. But I still want Friday to come faster. :)  Now back to drinking 100 more of these....

SIGH - something is GROWING!

It's been a few day since I've written.  I thought the 2 week wait until the first BETA (official) test was hard, but this is totally different.  During that time we had Christmas and family to hang out with. This 2 weeks between the official blood test and the ultrasound have been challenging!  I've received a few wonderful books from friends that are telling me exactly where I am in pregnancy, but no matter how many times I read it, week 5 is still week 5 and until 7 days go buy, it's still week 5!!!!

I've been doing pretty good over all.  The last few days I've felt pretty "normal" which had caused me to freak out a little.  I have NO reason to freak out, but I've been sore since the retrieval and feeling normal just seems like it wasn't...well...normal.  So I had a blood test this morning even though I didn't really need one. But it helped break up the 2 weeks before my ultrasound. I'm glad I did it.  I went on a website last night and read how some women can have a false positive that is just chemical.  I knew that was possible, but to read it just made me nervous again. So I was thankful to just talk to the nurse today.  She called me in the late afternoon with the results.  My BETA number is 23,593!!! She told me this was a very good number and that things are growing wonderfully!  It made me feel so good to hear her say things are well.  She also told me that chemical positives are possible, but usually they become more aware of those when the numbers are small and not growing.  But she said I absolutely do not need to worry about that.  And that if I had anything to be concerned about she would tell me for sure.  They like patients to be aware of all possibilities if something seems off.  But she said everything with my case is going great. DEEP BREATH...and release.

All is well.

Tomorrow we are at 6 Weeks!!!! We are 1/2 way through the first trimester.  So strange. I guess I should start believing this is happening soon.  :)

I told Drew this morning that nothing is different yet and he started laughing.  He said first of all I'm drinking orange juice like crazy and we never have orange juice in the house.  That was sort of true. But I can't drink coffee really (and it secretly doesn't taste that good to me HOLY CRAPPERS WHATS GOING ON?), so orange juice just sounds so amazing.  Secondly he said I'm emotional, and I'm really happy lately. I wasn't sure why THAT is different, but that's what he said.  He also said I'm overly tired, which is true.

So here we go week 6.  One more week and we get to hear a few heartbeats. Then it will be real. For. Sure.

Thank you to everyone who is still reading and praying for me. You have no idea how much Peace I'm feeling and I believe it's because of your love and prayers that God is blessing.  Love you all! I will probably blog again tomorrow as there are a few things I want to share about my journey.  Until then...

Mom says hello

Friday was a pretty emotional day for me.  It was the first time in a long time that I really missed my mom. I realized that I had shared the news with so many people, but obviously wasn't able to share with her.  I talked to a few of my aunts and it was nice to hear their encouraging words and how she would be so happy.  It did help, but nothing could take the place of telling your mom that she would finally be a grandma of my kids.  I am blessed (very very blessed) to have Sweet Lou in my life and she has been one of the most amazing, encouraging and loving mother-in-laws I could imagine.  I don't even like calling her a mother-in-law because she is so deserving of a greater title than that.  But I was wishing there was a way for my mom to know, for her to be excited with all of us, for her to rejoice for the time that has come.

I had my second blood test on Saturday morning.  I slept in a bit and made it there just in time.  I'm allowed to come in between 7-8:30 am.  Please, it's Saturday, like I'm going to wake up at 6 for a 5 minute blood draw.  I was in a good mood, not feeling too stressed etc. but still strangely crying in the waiting room.  It's very hard to believe I'm pregnant, but I'm praying for my embies/babies even though it doesn't seem real.  I was praying that the numbers would be higher to show they are growing.  I like the nurse that was drawing my blood that morning.  She drew my blood another time and did a good job.  She told me she thought I would make a good mother and she was excited for us.  It was nice.  On my way in to get the blood draw I saw the doctor.  I wasn't scheduled to see him so that was a nice surprise.  He gave me a big smile and a high five.  "Look at that, it worked!", I said.  He responded with, "Now lets hope there's not a litter in there".  He said my numbers were high and he is proud of me.  I got my blood drawn and was making my appointment when the doctor came out again.  He gave me a hug and said he was so excited for us.  He asked me how I was feeling and I told him he was a great doctor.  Which he is.  Even if it wouldn't have worked, he is a good doctor.

The nurse tried to explain how the due date works for IVF and I'm still confused on how they count. But I'm hoping the ultrasound will clear any of that up.  My appointment for the ultrasound which includes hearing the heart beats and finding out how many will be January 19th.  Seems like a lifetime away, but it's just the week after next and I will have another blood draw this thursday to basically help the time go by. The nurse said I don't have to have another blood draw, but I decided I wanted one just to make sure things are still ok. She told me I would be under their care until my second ultrasound, then I would "graduate" to my normal OBGYN.  I really really like my OB, but it will be sad that I can't see this all the way with Dr. B.  I do feel thankful to like both doctors.  I know that's not always the case.  The nurse told me I needed to make my appointment now for my first appt. with my OB. She said if I wait till I'm released I might have to wait another 2 weeks to get in. So I'm calling tomorrow to make the appt. for the week of Feb. 11th.  So crazy.

So, I got my blood results and my HCG had grown to 4633!!!!  Nurse said this was a VERY good number and she said all of my levels look great.  I was SO thankful.  I guess it made it a little more real to me.  Each day it gets a little more real.  And that's a good thing.  We told a few more people at church today.  It's still a little nerve racking to let so many people know, but we are believing GOODNESS and PROTECTION on/in/over/through/around my womb.  So, we celebrate with one another. It's such a good thing.

When I got the number of our second test, I almost started crying.  I know this is going to sound weird, but my Aunt Irene had written me and encouraged me to pay attention to the small things that are happening around me.  I wrote that number down 4633 and was stunned. My home phone number growing up was 463-3342.  I really felt like God was allowing me to get a little hug from my mom.  I felt like He was saying, not only does she know about this, but she's been waiting excitedly with God for this very hour in my life.  God is so good to me. Sometimes I can't even believe it.

I have to go to work tomorrow and try to focus on something other than charlie horses in my arms and how much bigger my already blessed boobs are going to get.

This is really happening.

The Time has come...

There is nothing more exciting than sharing a journey with friends.  :)

I'm SO SORRY for the wait! But there were so many people that we needed to tell before we posted. I'm sure we've missed some, but we did the best we could! After 12 years of praying, here's what God did: 

first this: 

then this: 

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!

I can't even believe I'm writing this post. There's so much that I want to share with you. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now! The details are as follows: 

1. The nurse told me that I'm pregnant. (still taking that in)

2. My HCG number was 949 which is an above average number. Which is a great thing. :)

3. I go in for a blood test on saturday (tomorrow) to check my levels again. 

4. I have an ultra sound in 3 weeks to hear the heart beats AND to find out HOW MANY! 

5. Due date is temporarily Sept. 7th. 

6. We are NOT putting it on Facebook yet, but you can tell your family etc.
7. If you would like to contact us and you don't have our number you can send us an email at kat@onetimeblind.com

8. Please keep praying as all of waiting has lead to 9 months more of waiting! wowsers. 

SO--that's the short of it all. I'm sitting here in complete disbelief.  It has been so fun to share the news with people.  I once again am overwhelmed by love from friends and family. A journey really is better spent with others. When there is sorrow, there is much sorrow.  But when there is rejoicing, there is MUCH rejoicing!!!!  It has been a crazy few days and I've enjoyed every second of it. We have had responses such as much screaming, much crying, much laughing (the whole conversation, and she even woke up in the middle of the night laughing- haha), and one person almost drove off the road! It feels amazing to feel so loved.

I'm feeling great, just a little tired. Drew is excited and cry's almost every time we tell someone. We really can't think much past the fact that this procedure ACTUALLY worked, so we have NO answers beyond that.  My biggest struggle now is continuing to live in God's Peace that He has given us these gifts on PURPOSE for something amazing so I need to believe only that.

I will be excited for this in my life as soon as I realize it's real.  ;)  But I am VERY excited about what this means.  We have always known that God had a plan for our kids and that they would come at a perfect time for Kingdom work.  I know that sounds strange, but I've always wanted to not just raise kids, but raise them to be strong voices for God to help hurting people.

I started a journal for my kids several years ago. I wanted them to know how strongly God has a plan for them and that they were born at the exact moment in all of time that God had planned. My beginning paragraph says this,

"How do you get through when God proclaims something in you that you must birth? You wait and pray and wait and praise and wait and listen and learn. But most of all you never stop Believing and Trusting. God is Faithful. He is providing His love to me and He will do the same for you."

My first entry was honest.

March 31, 2000 - I've been missing the spiritual aspect of having a baby. Besides just asking God if it's time, it has to be spiritually right. God you are so perfect! I trust you!

 Since then I have a book full of evidence of things to come. People having dreams, prophetic words being spoken, God telling us things, "coincidences" etc. It seem everywhere we went people were telling us about our children. Children that we didn't have. Until now.

But the reason this is so exciting to me, so completely unbelievable, is because to me, this means something is coming... Something so big I could never wrap my brain around it. I feel God is moving things into place to use all of us. I don't believe in chance, I believe in purpose and with that comes expectations. God is about to do something that we have been waiting for our whole lives. It's not about my kids, but it IS about His timing. I do believe my kids are a part of it, but I also believe you are a part of it too.  I don't know, it might sound crazy, but I really think even during these horrible times we live in, goodness is coming for us all. :)

I praise you Father for your Righteousness! I praise you for your Kindness! I praise you for your Goodness to all nations! I praise you that you ARE Faithful! I praise you because you DID EXACTLY what you said you would do! I only wish I wasn't surprised by that, but God....you are SO............................................................................(*insert crying breakdown here). My heart longs for God and Praises Him in the HIGHEST!

He did what He said He was going to do.

Oh my God, we are going to have some babies. 

A New Year!

Happy 2013 everyone! 

I just wanted to right a quick update to thank you for your prayers.  If you've been counting, you will know our BETA test is .... in the morning! I'm nervous and excited to see what the Dr. has to say.  I'm feeling great though which is a great sign. :)

Every doctor is different so I'm not sure what to expect.  Originally I thought I would just be getting my blood work done, but I read that some doctors do ultrasounds as well.  I'm praying for that!  I will post tomorrow night for sure.

We go back to work tomorrow too, so I hope that the day will go fast.

One thing I know for sure.  In life, the outcomes don't determine whether God is good or not good. He is good. So very good. He always was and always is.

Until tomorrow!

He makes it beautiful

Drew and I have been listening to a new group lately called All Sons and Daughters . Their music is so amazing. It's sort of folky and relaxing. You should check them out by clicking the link on the name above.  Good stuff.  They have a song where they sing "You make it beautiful, You make it beautiful...". I love this song, cuz it's so true. God takes hopeless stories and not only redeems them, but makes them beautiful for the world to see. It's so humbling that God would even care. I mean, He cares about us enough to allow us in the Garden with Him, walking with Him daily.  Then we mess that up and He has to stay true to His word because He doesn't lie and so we were cast out. Departed from Him.  And He spends the rest of the story pursuing us trying to get us back to that intimate garden where we belong.  He sent his son for us, which is more than I could ask or deserve, but that wasn't the end either. I mean, if salvation was it, that would be enough. But He's a MORE THAN kind of God. He's a FLOWING OVER kind of God.  He doesn't just fix something with duck tape, He makes it beautiful. Priceless as He draws us to Himself. He continues to make my story beautiful and I'm so thankful to Him.  To have God in my life has been one of the most amazing things. When there are times that I have felt alone and forgotten, He has proven to me that I am not those things. That He is VERY real and VERY much a part of my every day life. He is so beautiful. And that's why He can't help but make what He touches beautiful too.

I've been asked a few times to share more details about the process of IVF. I've found a video that shows it pretty well.  If you're not interested in seeing the details of how eggs are removed and then transfered back into a uterus, don't watch it.  Just know it happens and it's amazing. If you do have an interest in that sort of thing, please enjoy.

This Video Explains the Retrieval Process

In the above video it explains the natural process of IVF. Our egg retrieval was much like that video, but we actually had a process called ICSI which is explained below. It ensures the sperm entering the egg.

Click Here to Watch Awesome Video with Bad Soundtrack

So that's basically it. I remember watching the second video before I went in for retrieval. It was amazing to see how they can actually wash the sperm and find the best ones and then cut off the tail (which naturally falls off if they push their way in) and insert it into the egg.  AMAZING!

So, there's another IVF lesson for you during our 2 week wait. Not a whole lot to do but try to distract ourselves. I went to find some jeans today (SCORE!), picked up my meds, had a nap and then had an amazing dinner at the Brazles. Always fun to spend time with family.  But I sadly left my leftovers by the door as we were leaving.  I really hope they find them. haha.

Church tomorrow - YAY! I'm so excited to just be in worship for a bit. There's something about our church that draws me into God's presence and I'm so thankful God has put us in the perfect place.

One more day down...our Christmas tree is tied to the wall but still standing, our truck is getting us where we need to go, Ajax is happy and it is warm and cozy inside. All is well in the land of Smiths.

Daycember 28 - what to do?

Random thoughts of the 2 week wait...

We are finally home after a week of fun and relaxation on Drew's side of the state.  It was great to get away and I have to admit I was spoiled to the max. I was blessed not only with gifts but Drew's mom was so sweet to me. She wouldn't let me lift a finger and I'm so thankful.  It gave me plenty of time to just rest, pray and enjoy our time. It was great to see family that we don't get to see very often. All the kids grow up way to fast.

We got home today and Drew unloaded the entire car. Then he helped put everything away and cleaned up the living room.  I could get used to this type of behavior! He's usually helpful, but I can tell he's trying to let me rest. I would be lying if I didn't say we were still a little scared. But this is the longest I've ever gone without starting. It's a good sign!

Tonight I'm hanging with this guy as Drew is out with a friend. Ajax has been very attentive. He follows me around the house buzzing around me. Yes, rabbits buzz. It's their love language. In this picture he is loving me because I'm feeding him Jelly Belly's.  Yes, he loves jellybeans. He's pretty cute! (I hate that our lights turn everything yellow=LAME)

These are the random thoughts of the 2 week wait.

I keep thinking tomorrow is Sunday, but it's not. Tomorrow I have to go to the dr. office to get a few more vitamins then I have to run a few errands and we will end the day with dinner at P&J's. No, we are not eating PBJ's, but just eating at their house. It's Drew's cousins, should be fun! Tomorrow is day 29.

Day 29.

Most girls who go through this would've taken a pregnancy test by now. But I just figure I'm either pregnant or I'm not pregnant. I've been warned that we could get a false positive too and I'm a little fearful of that. So it's best I just leave it. What would you do? Chance a false positive and take a test? Or even chance a false negative.... The real question is how many mind games do you want to play? I don't envy anyone who has to go through this wait.

 I've only taken one pregnancy test in my 12 years of praying. That was the  first time I thought I was pregnant because I was late. It was in March 2003.  I wasn't pregnant. I don't really like pregnancy tests. They always say no. At least to me they do.  Ovulation tests are worse. An ovulation test typically works like a pregnancy test. You pee on a stick and if you see 2 lines then you're ovulating. I think that's a dumb thing. The million dollar industry of fertility should come up with a new way to detect ovulation instead of making women who can't get to the pregnancy 2 line positive result part pee on a stick as if they were at the pregnancy part. Another reason why infertility is awful.

The books tell me I have enough HCG in my system now to detect pregnancy. The meds I'm taking are still giving me twinges on my ovaries that feel like little cramps and the other meds make it even harder to stay calm.  But I feel calm.  I feel God's Peace again, and that's all that matters to me.

A word

So my 2 week wait is still in full force. 1/2 way done and for sure this is the worst part of any fertility treatments.  Today was pretty good. I spent the morning crafting and the afternoon shopping. We had plans cancel at night so we spent it watching movies which was perfect for me.  Thank you winter storm.

A week ago three little embies were placed inside of me.  Let's look again, shall we?

Sometimes I just need a constant reminder that God is here. He was there a week ago. He's been here this whole month and He hasn't gone anywhere. No matter what the outcome, this is the season of "God is with us".  

I got 2 encouraging words today.  One from my cousin whom I love dearly. She has also felt the pain and worry of what I'm encountering and gave me great reminders of how faithful God is. Thank you.

The second encouraging word came from a friend who's going through a few struggles herself these days. She reads encouraging words from people on a website that she frequents. It's very encouraging to her and from time to time she will share something that someone has said. December first (the first day of treatment for us) a gentlemen had a word that he posted to encourage people.  This is a generic website and has nothing to do with trying to conceive. This post was just...random.  Here's a little taste. (His name is Kim so don't let that confuse you)

Kim Clement:

"You Have Entered into a Season of Fruitfulness"

December 1, 2012 - From The Den:

"From the beginning, before time began, I knew this hour; I knew this day. Was it hidden from Me? Am I afraid?" says the Lord of Hosts. "Even if Israel stood alone, watch. Read the history. Before time began, I knew of this moment and I knew that from the miry clay would emerge an upright reed. From the mire, I will bring something upright and something good.

"You have entered into a season of fruitfulness, and yet they cry, 'Barren is the land; barren are the people.'" But God says, "I have called that which is barren, fruitful, and I have called that which is weak, strong. And I have called that which is poor, rich. Therefore, say what I say for the redeemed of the Lord shall say So!' Watch and see as I demonstrate My glory and majesty," says the Lord.

What I've been dealing with and what I've been feeling from the Lord is that He wants to destroy unfruitfulness and barrenness and wants to make this a fruitful month and a fruitful 2013. Do you believe that this could be possible? Now if there's faith in your heart, please hear what I'm saying because I am literally giving you a prophetic proclamation that God wants fruitfulness and He wants it this month and He wants it in the year 2013 – and don't tell me it cannot be done.

I was like, "uh...ok".  And even if you don't believe everything that some people say, I will take these words and thank God for allowing this man to give them back on the first day of our treatments. And I will praise God for allowing me to receive it on day 26 of my treatment.  God is so faithful. He has things up His sleeve at all times. You never know when He might have someone call you out of the blue, or give you money at the right time when you need it, or send you a message, or even give you a heart. Have you ever seen the Christmas Story? Do you remember the part when the turkey get's eaten by the dogs and they have to go eat Christmas duck at the Chinese Restaurant? Well there's a 10 second (which is pretty long) clip where they show the outside of the restaurant and if you look at that clip there's a large, clear heart on the roof on the left side of the screen.  God has always been trying to show Himself to us. I think that's why the clip is 10 seconds. You wanna go watch the movie now don't you? :)

We prayed for fruitfulness tonight. Not just for us, but for you too. We pray you are blessed not just for a full cup, but one that overflows so you can share with others. We pray you are healed and that your hearts desires become reality soon. That God would come closer, whisper ... closer. We need Him. I need Him.  Tonight I'm praying for the broken hearted who have lost hope. I'm praying for the girl I saw crying as she was leaving during one of fertility appts. I'm praying for the mother who had to work today and spent Christmas alone. I'm praying for a sick uncle. I'm praying for more Peace. I'm praying for restoration. I'm praying for the employee's who got let go last friday...28 of them..right before Christmas.  I'm praying for another employee who lost insurance because of a health condition. I'm praying for mental wholeness for someone that's close to me. And for friends whose car broke down and a trip to Michigan ended up costing way more than they bargained for. And for appointments that are temporarily on hold. I'm praying for miracles. We all need them in one way or another. My spark of Hope still glimmers for one more day, but we all need miracles. Sleep in peace tonight knowing that we know the Miracle Maker and He knows this story very well. 

Paranoia and jingle bells

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a strange and wonderful time of year. It's the time when children are giddy and adults want to sleep. The last few Christmases have been a bit emotional for me. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because even though this season is about Jesus and giving to others, Christmas is also about the wonder of kids. Watching the kids as they see the Christmas lights and as they're forced to sit on creepy Santa's lap. Watching them buy gifts from the school store for their family (and maybe one for themselves-this happened to my friend! haha). Watching their excitement on Christmas eve, putting out cookies and milk and of course watching them get up early and unwrap gifts. We grew up being those kids; we watched movies that display this "normalcy."  The childlike wonder on Christmas morning is amazing.  I've realized I'm brutally tied to Christmas memories of the past and as I get older the realization of my Christmas present gets more painful.  I wake up, not early. I hear no noise. I see no footie pajamas. The early morning Christmas hours seem to cry of emptiness to me.

I do however feel love. I feel a warm shower and amazing food. I feel overwhelmed by love and kindness from a group of people that are my family. Too many gifts to count. So blessed. I even got a gift that says, "We are Blessed." And we are.

But as I woke this morning, I just felt sad. I was reminded of 2 Christmases ago when we went through fertility treatments and I started my period a few days before Christmas. So the Christmas we were going to "announce we are pregnant" became the Christmas of emotions and disappointments. But I was again surrounded by love and family and again I was thankful.

Midday today I became overwhelmed with fear and paranoia.  It's the fear and paranoia that most women feel during this entire process. I haven't had that. I've been so amazingly covered by friends and family in prayer that God's Peace has been covering me. For real. I don't know how else to describe it.  But today a little fear seeped in. And that led to me feeling paranoid and sick to my stomach.  A found myself going to the bathroom over and over to see if I've started yet. I REFUSE to live like this. This type of behavior is NOT of God and I WILL NOT live the next week or so like this.  Please keep praying for us.

I'm taking medicine that mimics period cramping. My nurse told me I have lots of hormones in me right now so I'm to take care of myself and know that I might be emotional etc. The doctor told me that even if I start spotting or bleeding that doesn't meant that I'm not pregnant. That we had 3 embryos put in us and we wont know for sure until the pregnancy test.

We got back to the house and Drew and I spent some time in prayer. We cast out fear and replaced it with God's truth.  The truth that we are loved and not forgotten. I cried out my emotion and my heart for loneliness, not just for me, but for others that have lived without.  God has an amazing plan for our lives and we are right in the middle of it. He has amazing things to do in our lives. He LOVES to bring WONDER to our lives. The wonder that shows up in the middle of an ultrasound and says, "see those 3 embryos? Now do you see my presence with them?" I know God is with them. I trust Him. If failure knocks on my door and makes its home in my garden, I will not feed it, but keep building my garden around it. And on it. And in it. Until one day it starts to resemble joy.

But until next week when we know for sure, I will cling to Hope.

Hiding in His Wings for another day.

2WW

Well folk..now begins the 2 week wait.  But if you go to any IVF blog it will be called the 2WW.  Yes, there is another language that resides in the world of infertility. Here are a few clues:

• TTC: trying to conceive is among the most common abbreviations found on forums for women trying to become pregnant.
• 2WW is the two-week waiting period between ovulation and monthly period.
• AF stands for "Aunt Flo", a euphemism for your period.
• AI is for artificial insemination.
• ART is assisted reproductive technology.
• BBT is the morning basal body temperature used to detect ovulation.
• BD is the "baby dance", euphemism for intercourse. Some also use BMS for baby making sex.
• BFN is a big fat negative pregnancy test result.
• BFP is a big fat positive pregnancy test result.
• CD is the cycle day.
• Dpo stands for days post ovulation, which also may be referred to as LP (luteal phase).
• Endo is endometriosis, a condition in which tissues from the uterus are located in other areas of the body.
• HCG Human chorionic gonadotropin is the hormone used to detect pregnancy in tests.
• FSH stands for the follicle-stimulating hormone that is developed in the pituitary gland and is used to help eggs reach maturation.
• FMU is the first morning urine typically used for the most accurate pregnancy test results.
• HPT stands for home pregnancy test.
• HSG is for Hysterosalpingogram, an x-ray of the fallopian tubes and the uterus.
• ICSI stands for intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection, an infertility treatment.
• IF is infertility.
• IVF is in-vitro fertilization in which a fertilized egg is put into the uterus.IUI is intrauterine insemination, commonly known as artificial insemination.
• LAP stands for laparoscopic surgery, a possible treatment for endometriosis (endo).
• LMP is the last menstrual period.
• LPD stands for a luteal phase defect that can interfere with conception.
• LH is the luteinizing hormone that may determine a cause for infertility.
• M/C is for miscarriage.
• O is used for ovulation.
• OPK is an ovulation predictor kit.
• POAS pee on a stick and PIAC pee in a cup are common approaches for home pregnancy tests (HPT).PCT is a post coital test that evaluates mucus to see if there was good environment for conception.
• SA is a semen analysis used to determine if the man is infertile.RE is a reproductive endocrinologist, an infertility specialist.
• SHOW stands for soft, high, open, wet, a description of the cervix when it is at its peak of fertility.
• TCOYF stands for Taking Charge Of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Women trying to conceive also call the publication "the book".

Then there is the HTH (hope this helps), DH (dear husband) DD (dear daughter) DS (dear son) you get the idea.  Oh and the MIL (mother-in-law), I can't forget that one cuz it's actually a super important part of my story. I have the best MIL I could have ever asked for.  I thank my sister for that. She said she prayed and prayed that I would be blessed with a good MIL and boy, I sure have been.  She checks in on me often and makes sure I'm doing ok.  This was BEFORE the TTC and ART so yeah, that means she's genuine. :)  So, thanks Sweet Mama Lou and thanks for the prayers Kari. They work!

Who said being infertile wouldn't make you smart? HA! TCOYF! Yes, without this little spy code decipher kit I woud have no idea what those ladies are talking about.  I've read a few of those blogs but I've decided to stay away.  They kinda scare me. So many different opinions on what the 'right' things is to do. For 3 days I've been laying here trying to figure out what's going on...you know..down there.  Every little twinge of anything and I think it's me feeling implanting. Some women have actually felt the embryo implant. I learned that on a blog. TMI?

I did find this page that I thought explained what's going on now pretty well. I keep praying health, wholeness and God's breath to take over. He's the only one that can make this stuff up anyway! Here's the article:

Click Here! It's a good read and it will make you smarter!

So, my 2WW (2 week wait) which is the time that goes by until you actually take a pregnancy test, I am already almost 1/4 of the way done! WHOO HOO! yikers. In case you're wondering, 2WW is a long time.  But in case you were wondering again, not as long as 626WW which is what our count actually is.  (for those who have fried holiday brains, that would be 12 years). So the way I look at it now, what's a few more days? Besides, it will go by quick. Even though doing IVF this time of the year is challenging because of the rush for Christmas etc. I'm glad we did it this way. We will be on vacation, busy enough to occupy our minds and we can start the new year on a new page.  :)  See? Isn't that smart of us? Smiths=Smart.

I supposed after 16 years that's what happens.  Yes, today is our anniversary. And for my husband, I will take a shower because I haven't in 3 days.  (can you tell I've been on this couch too long?) Lucky him. Let me tell you, staying together for this many years is awesome. If you think we haven't had bad times or been close to calling it over, ask our friends and they will tell you the truth. But I've realized every relationship is hard. I have to work on my relationships with my friends, family and my spouse.  It makes me a better person. God's grace, truth and love is the answer to so many of our problems. Drew makes me a better person and I wouldn't want to live my life with anyone else. Ever.  You guys know drew, he's farty, harsh at times, loves gummy foods and tinsel trees, can sing like an angel and hike like a beast not to mention his love of cartoons (have you seen him shimmy?). He loves to learn new things..like EVERY day. And that's why I stay close to him, he's smart. (NEVER play him in trivia..I'm serious) And he makes me laugh - a lot. Even after all these years and all that we've been through he's my number one pick.  (he just blew his nose over my shoulder, for real. HAHA) I wouldn't change it for the world.

so many days

Day 6 of embryos, Day 19 of cycle, Day 1.5 of bedrest, Day 0 of thinking there are too many days to keep track of.

Everything in IVF is measured so precisely, it's amazing. The most amazing part is that it science can only do so much. It's amazing that God made man so intelligent to do IVF, but ultimately it is still God that creates. It is still God that holds the story to your life. It really is amazing. I just keep praying that my story is epic. A story like no other. One that leads people to say, "WOW! Look at the Glory of God! Only God could do that!"  I want nothing more than that.

Today's list:

woke up.
breakfast.
bathroom.
nap.
bathroom.
wrote 5 Christmas cards.
bathroom.
watched Craigslist Joe (pretty good).
bathroom.
journaled.
talked to Kari. (lovely sister)
watched a documentary on the oldest cave drawings.
nap. (obviously)
drew's home!
drew left.
watching drew on live stream & blogging.
(future)
french fries.
movie w/ drew.
meds.
sleep...again.

Wow, that list actually makes it look like I did something today! Truth be known I text drew at 9:30am telling him this day was the longest day ever. It's not easy being on bedrest. I feel for pregnant women who have to do this for weeks or months! But I feel pretty normal so that makes me want to do stuff. If I had a growing baby in me, I think I might want to lay down a bit as well.

Drew is home tomorrow which is great! I hope to get a few visitors as well, which will be great for me, not so great for them since I haven't showered in 2 days by then. But I love this season. I don't know, I just feel so happy.  There are times in your life even when things are chaotic around you that God shows up and brings Joy and Peace. I feel that so strongly. His presence is so strong. I'm praying that all of you feel it and that those who have lost hope feel it was well.

I think it was my awesome pastor that said there's a difference between Hoping and wishing. When you wish there's not really a possibility of it happening. It's like a dream.  But when you Hope, that means there is still a glimmer of possibility available for that desire. Hope kinda defines me. Desires not yet fulfilled but believing in a God who does impossible things.

My first visitors!

Ryan & Laura put there kids in bed tonight and told them they would get a bedtime story: The Polar Express. When they opened the book 4 tickets fell out.  4 tickets to the minivan Polar Express! They all got back up, ran outside with their jammies on and the "Engineer" punched their tickets and gave them hot chocolate. They went on a Christmas light tour and stopped by my place to say hello. They are driving through downtown Rochester which is covered in lights. I love that tradition. It look like they do too. It was so good to squeeze them.

THEY ARE IN!

This day is another day that will go in my life story book.

I drove drew to work this morning and had a few hours to kill before our appointment. I decided I wanted to walk around since I wouldn't be doing much of that for the next 3 days, so I went to the mall. It was actually so fun and relaxing. When I got there Starbucks was open (which I got for free) and the mall walkers were in full force. There was this older man probably in his late 80's bookin it around the mall and 2 other older men were almost running to catch up with him. I sat in front of this HUGE Christmas Castle where Santa lived. Even at 8am children were there lining up.

A woman dressed in 18th Century garb would come out and announce, "ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! WE ARE NOW INTRODUCING PRINCESS SARA TO SANTA!" and then everyone would clap.  The children's eyes would light up as they entered his chambers.  After meeting Santa and getting a picture with him they were escorted out for the parents to then take out a second mortgage to pay for the pics. In front of the Santa Castle House they had a HUGE circular rug with a maze on it.  The children would run in circles trying to follow the lines of the maze.  They were so cute. It was the pure child-like carefree love and life. I sat peacefully watching them, just thanking God that this child-like carefree love and life still exists. 

Mary said, "but it's too wonderful"  "Is anything too wonderful for God"? So Mary closed her eyes and trusted God. 

We left for our appointment and Drew decided we should have Krispy Kreme, so we made a quick stop through the drive thru and still made it to the clinic early enough to pray. 

We were quickly escorted to a little room for me to change and get ready for the transfer. Now we just needed the Dr., he was running a bit late. Did I mention you needed a full bladder for this procedure? After 10 minutes the nurse came in and checked my bladder.  She was SHOCKED at how full it was.  She told me I could have a 10-15 second pee.  I was happy, but hoped I could stop at just 15 seconds! But I knew I could pee a lot in that small amount of time, so I was thankful for every second. 

"that which was conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit"

Finally Dr. B showed up and came in to talk to us about our embryo's.  In the last 2 days out of 8, 1 stopped growing :( , 4 were in a C range,  2 B- and 1 B.  What this means is, the lower ranges were slowing their growth. :( They will continue to grow and be watched for possible freezing this week. BUT--there were still a few good ones to transfer and he said normally he would put 2 in and freeze one, but he was more comfortable with putting in 3 if we were ok with that. PRAISE GOD!!!! That was the number I had been praying for.  God is SO good. 

"suddenly an angel of the Lord was there and the glory of the Lord shone around them" 

They say when the embryo's are transfered in you it looks like a flash of lightning. I wasn't sure what we would see. The "flash" is really the fluid around the embryo and the embryo is inside of that. With all of this on my mind, we entered the surgical room and they actually let me empty MORE out of my bladder. So thankful. Then the procedure started. (OH--they let me take valium, my new favorite drug. I actually didn't feel anything until I stood up. That stuff is GREAT!) The Dr. put in a catheter and then the embryologist brought in the 3 embryos.  The ultrasound tech was showing me on the screen where the catheter was and then where the embryo's landed.  It all took about 3 minutes, but during it I noticed something....

God kissed our transfer. :)

My ovary showed up as a heart. If you haven't heard my heart story, I will be posting a link to it soon. Then you will understand why this heart is so amazing and unbelievable.  That even in a moment when future babies are transfered in me...God's Glory was present. He is SO good. We were speechless.  Drew couldn't believe it and then started crying. Even one of the techs in the room said, "It looks like a heart". It's sitting right next to those embies. 

"this is real love..not that we love God, but that He loved us"

Here is a close up of the embryos: 

In case you were wondering, those are MY embryos not like fake ones on TV. Well, ok, they are Team Smith Embabies. Aren't they cool looking? God made those! I find it so amazing that God can create such intricate things and those cells that we can't even see without a microscope multiply, find a cozy home, bust out of that shell and form a real human being made in the likeness of God. We all started that way. We were all one of those cells. We looked like that, maybe even like the one in the upper right corner looking like another heart-ish figure. (I think that's the girl) The most advanced one we had was in the upper left corner. Isn't it pretty? I think they are super cool, and now they are swimming - well, more like floating. Dr. B said it's like dust particles in the air, they won't fall out because they don't respond to gravity like that. They just float around waiting to find the wall to cling to. But once they find it...good stuff happens.  

ok, ok..maybe not that one...that might be too many.  Maybe it's more like this one..

I love those videos. So now, we have the 2 week wait. We go in again on Christmas eve morning for a blood test just make sure my meds are at good levels. After that we are driving to Mama Lou's for Christmas!!! I'm excited to get away for a bit. It will be good to see family and rest some more. We will be there for the week and then our next appointment is......well, we are keeping that one a secret. ;) But it will be a few weeks. 

I'm sure I will be blogging more since I'm stuck on the couch for a few days. I know I keep saying it but I really mean it, you all mean so much to Drew and I. Thank you for being a part of our story. Just like my birthday this year, I feel overwhelmed by love. I'm speechless at God's presence in my little life, and the love and support we get from all of you. If there's one thing I could say about all of this I take the words of Elizabeth:

"God has blessed (me) above all women, and (my) child is blessed."  I am blessed, but not just because of possible babies, but because of your love.  Thanks.