My little brother told me once that it felt weird when you reach the year of your parents death that was the age you were when they died. He was right. It is weird.
This has been an extremely emotional month for me. As I read through my mom's notes she had written me through the years, I miss her. I am so thankful for all of the mothers in my life that have all joined together to help fill that huge hole in my heart. It's taken hundreds of women to fill it, but God is faithful in bringing them to me. I think He knew I would not only need a lot of help, but just need a mom hug sometimes. So, I guess starting tomorrow I'm all grown up. Knowing my parents dead longer than alive really sucks. I know this is pretty morbid, but sometimes life is just that way. Growing up and dealing with real life issues isn't very fun. But I need to look at my parents and learn something, ya know? I want a peaceful life. I want to be fulfilled in what life brings me. I just need a few days to shake off the disappointments of "this isn't what it was supposed to look like". I guess I find comfort in knowing that she is happy, peaceful, whole, and loving the presence of our Father. THAT makes me very happy. A few stories, in memory...
My brother and I would ride bikes in the summer almost every day. I clearly remember riding around our house and whenever I would get to the kitchen I would look up and see my mom doing dishes and smiling at us.
In the winter, my dad would always make us go with him to get wood to chop. I always hated this because I never wanted to be outside in the freezing weather. On many occasions I would tell my dad I wasn't feeling well because of "girl issues" and he would just say, "uh..go to the house". He either loved me enough to over look it, or he just didn't realize that I used this excuse about once a week. :)
My mom and dad were square dancers. I know, I know, but this used to be a popular thing to do and they would go almost every other week or so. They would get all dressed up and my mom would wear these huge skirts with petticoats and I remember them being so happy. Often, as we were getting ready to leave, my dad would always sing as he was shaving. He would finish and my mom would look so pretty that he would come over and call her "legs" and sing, "Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone.." right before he kissed her. She pretended like she didn't like it, but I think she really did.
Dad was the best whistler, roller skater, and swimmer.
Mom would always start these projects. Big projects. Like one day we came home from school and a wall was gone. She said she wanted the room bigger. Dad was just as surprised as we were.
----you were both a little wild and unpredictable and I love & miss you. I might remove a wall today while whistling in your memory. xoxo
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Ele-fun? I don't think so.
There is this game called Elefun . The kids I nanny for love it. It’s a plastic elephant whose nose comes off and you fill his body with little tiny butterflies. You replace his nose, turn the switch on and air flows from this little guys body up through his flimsy plastic nose pushing the butterflies out of the top to allow them to fly. The kids and myself each have a net and as the butterflies come out we each try to catch them. It’s a cute game, but today I felt a little sorry for the youngest who is 2. We turned the air on and up came the butterflies. As much as he tried to catch those little butterflies they kept missing him. He would hold his net still, he would move it around, he would put it high, he would put it low, but still, not much luck. I, on the other hand, just sat there and they just happened to fall in my net. I wasn’t moving around or trying. Why is it that sometimes in life some people don’t have to try at all and they get blessed and abundance and others try everything they know to do but still sit with an empty net? It is a frustrating question. Sitting here watching the rain and feeling frustrated about my life I feel like that little 2 year old boy. I have lifted my net in laughter, I have lowered it in waiting, I have sat still, I have danced around, but still-the blessings fall all around me and I can’t seem to catch them.
Yesterday the woman I nanny for (who does NOT know we have been trying to have kids for 8 years) told me her 6 year old was asking how NOT to have kids because when she gets older she thinks having babies will hurt so she has decided to adopt. Her mothers answer?, “How do you NOT have kids? Just pray to God, hunny!” followed by much laughter. Because of course if you pray to God to have or not have children He listens right away. I understood what she was saying. She’s a mother of 3 busy, under the age of 6 kids and had no problems getting pregnant. Infertility is a foreign concept to her. I understood the joke, but it still hurt as I walked back to my quiet car and she drove home in her suburban full of giggles. Again, don’t blame her, she doesn’t know about my situation. I just get tired of these situations happening to me all the time. I can’t live under a rock and feel self-pity constantly, but the moment I feel like I can smile or gain ground something like this happens to me. I’m tired.
The little 2 year old got tired of playing the game after not catching very many butterflies. Actually, one day he grabbed that elephant, tore off his head, put his hand down in there grabbing the butterflies and forcing them into his own net. Yeah, I can relate. It looked violent, it was. But I can still relate.
Where do we go from here?
I just want to move forward. I don’t want to think about family anymore. I don’t want to think about kids coming down the stairs at Christmas or someone giving me a Mother’s Day present. I don’t want to think about how other people feed their kids junk food all day and allow them to play in the front yard and get locked out of the house for an hour with no parent looking for them and they are only 2 and 3 years old. (yes, this really happened to the neighbors I sit for. No one thought it strange that a 3 and 1 year old were outside alone crying because they didn’t know where their daddy was. Eventually he woke up and came outside. No words.) I don’t want to encounter kid stuff or family stuff. I just can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated. I have given all of my love and energy to everyone elses kids and I have none left. I don’t regret influencing other peoples kids as I love kids. But doing it while thinking, “one day I will do this for my little girl or boy” it’s just too much.
God is still good. He always will be. I’m not mad at Him. How can I be? He is my Savior and He is SO gracious and Kind. His love and acceptance for me is the most important thing to me. I still have that. He hasn’t left. Just because He decides to give a certain type of gift to one person and not to the other-it doesn’t change how He feels about me. Just because I don’t get what I have begged Him for doesn’t mean I don’t love Him. Nothing has changed. He still died for me. He is still coming back. The End. Everything else is just blessings on Earth and sometimes we get them, sometimes we don’t. I can’t strive to “do the right thing” or just wonder what I haven’t done so that He would bless us with children, finances, house or whatever. I AM thankful that He hears my prayers. I AM thankful He has given the gift of children to others I know that I have prayed for. I AM thankful for my husband and brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. There is ALWAYS MUCH to be thankful for. I’m not trying to complain about the things I don’t have, I’m just tired of playing the game. I can’t play the “maybe this month He will bless me!” only to be disappointed again. So I’m going to just try to be happy with what I have. I’m going to try to do something everyday that makes me smile. I’m going to try to find God’s kingdom right here, right now. All the other stuff is too stressful. Maybe I’m not a fighter. Maybe I’m wimpy. But this is where I am. And as much as I want to rip the head off that elephant, I know ultimately it won’t solve a thing. Maybe I will just try to rejoice in others being blessed and just move on. And maybe one day, when I’m not even looking, that butterfly will actually land in my net.
Yesterday the woman I nanny for (who does NOT know we have been trying to have kids for 8 years) told me her 6 year old was asking how NOT to have kids because when she gets older she thinks having babies will hurt so she has decided to adopt. Her mothers answer?, “How do you NOT have kids? Just pray to God, hunny!” followed by much laughter. Because of course if you pray to God to have or not have children He listens right away. I understood what she was saying. She’s a mother of 3 busy, under the age of 6 kids and had no problems getting pregnant. Infertility is a foreign concept to her. I understood the joke, but it still hurt as I walked back to my quiet car and she drove home in her suburban full of giggles. Again, don’t blame her, she doesn’t know about my situation. I just get tired of these situations happening to me all the time. I can’t live under a rock and feel self-pity constantly, but the moment I feel like I can smile or gain ground something like this happens to me. I’m tired.
The little 2 year old got tired of playing the game after not catching very many butterflies. Actually, one day he grabbed that elephant, tore off his head, put his hand down in there grabbing the butterflies and forcing them into his own net. Yeah, I can relate. It looked violent, it was. But I can still relate.
Where do we go from here?
I just want to move forward. I don’t want to think about family anymore. I don’t want to think about kids coming down the stairs at Christmas or someone giving me a Mother’s Day present. I don’t want to think about how other people feed their kids junk food all day and allow them to play in the front yard and get locked out of the house for an hour with no parent looking for them and they are only 2 and 3 years old. (yes, this really happened to the neighbors I sit for. No one thought it strange that a 3 and 1 year old were outside alone crying because they didn’t know where their daddy was. Eventually he woke up and came outside. No words.) I don’t want to encounter kid stuff or family stuff. I just can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated. I have given all of my love and energy to everyone elses kids and I have none left. I don’t regret influencing other peoples kids as I love kids. But doing it while thinking, “one day I will do this for my little girl or boy” it’s just too much.
God is still good. He always will be. I’m not mad at Him. How can I be? He is my Savior and He is SO gracious and Kind. His love and acceptance for me is the most important thing to me. I still have that. He hasn’t left. Just because He decides to give a certain type of gift to one person and not to the other-it doesn’t change how He feels about me. Just because I don’t get what I have begged Him for doesn’t mean I don’t love Him. Nothing has changed. He still died for me. He is still coming back. The End. Everything else is just blessings on Earth and sometimes we get them, sometimes we don’t. I can’t strive to “do the right thing” or just wonder what I haven’t done so that He would bless us with children, finances, house or whatever. I AM thankful that He hears my prayers. I AM thankful He has given the gift of children to others I know that I have prayed for. I AM thankful for my husband and brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. There is ALWAYS MUCH to be thankful for. I’m not trying to complain about the things I don’t have, I’m just tired of playing the game. I can’t play the “maybe this month He will bless me!” only to be disappointed again. So I’m going to just try to be happy with what I have. I’m going to try to do something everyday that makes me smile. I’m going to try to find God’s kingdom right here, right now. All the other stuff is too stressful. Maybe I’m not a fighter. Maybe I’m wimpy. But this is where I am. And as much as I want to rip the head off that elephant, I know ultimately it won’t solve a thing. Maybe I will just try to rejoice in others being blessed and just move on. And maybe one day, when I’m not even looking, that butterfly will actually land in my net.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Your Prayers Are MIGHTY.
April 19, 2010
Please pray for us.
In working with the creative process of filming our onetimeblind mini movies, I have learned of something called “Breaking the fourth wall”. This means you normally can’t see behind the camera and so you are forced to only be engaged with what you actually see. You hear the actors tell a story and this is reality for you. But the truth really lies beyond that fourth wall. That’s what’s actually ‘real’. It’s where people are holding cameras, lights and microphones. Others are rushing around trying to make sure the scene is going the way it’s supposed to. I have decided to break the 4th wall and let you all in on our intimate journey. The reason is because we really love you and want your prayers. For those of you who are straight and to the point and don’t want to hear the long Smith story, just read the next paragraph and you will get the gist of it. For those who want the gory details of Kat’s heart, read on. And just so you know, we love you all more than words can say.
We want a baby. Please pray that God gives us one.
Many of you know this and have already been praying for and with us for years. Thank you and we hope you continue to petition God on our behalf. I have tossed around the idea of telling the world that we are trying to conceive for a while now. I thought, “Why not tell people and get everyone in the world to pray and believe with us?”. In a stale world where people are robots that idea would work. But our culture has to have a cure for everything. There is always an answer, and everyone has it. We can’t just listen to each other and love and pray. There needs to be a quick fix to make our lives perfect. Sadly, sometimes there isn’t. I don’t blame anyone for trying to explain away the circumstances of life. I have done it myself. To my friends and family and even strangers I apologize for saying stupid things about your sensitive situations. We all take for granted what we already have. We can’t help it. When we meet people we can’t relate to, we honestly don’t know what to say. So we blab off some crazy phrase or word to try to help. It’s with a good heart and intention that this happens, but just so you know, sometimes it’s just ok to say nothing.
Our journey started about 8 years ago when Drew and I were starting to feel that itch. Many of our friends were starting to have children, and we were ready to start a family. It was a struggle from the start as we tried to imagine having children travel with us on the road in the ministry. We had friends who did this and we saw how hard it was. But we also had other friends who had 8 children and made it work. (They are amazing-seriously) So, we wanted to be in God’s will and hoped He would bless us as we moved forward. At the same time a few of our best friends were going through the same thing. I remember we would cry together because our hearts would yearn for a baby as our husbands tried to figure out what the big deal was. (God bless them) We so badly wanted to have children. We didn’t know why we had these desires all of a sudden, but we kept praying. We finally felt like we got the green light from the Lord and so we all started “trying”. I thought it would take one month. It did for my friend. We had heard of a female band that all tried to get pregnant at the same time. They planned it that way so they could all take the same time off for the babies. It worked for them, why not us? We were so excited for our friends and still felt confident that we would soon follow and be getting congratulations from the thousands of people we meet on the road. 8 years later we are still waiting for this.
I know what you’re thinking. “8 YEARS? Why not adopt?” There are 7 adoptions in our immediate families alone. That’s not counting our cousins who were adopted or our countless friends. We are VERY into adoption. I even see myself adopting one day. I AM PRO ADOPTION PEOPLE! But more than that I am pro-God’s will for my life. And we have been very insistent on waiting for God’s green light for adoption to happen. I can’t tell you how I feel wanting a child as bad as I do, and then starting any adoption process-even just looking online etc.-and feeling uneasy, unsettled and no peace. It’s SO frustrating. I can’t believe that God would put these desires in our hearts and then not fulfill them in one way or another. Adoption isn’t out, but it isn’t for now either. We keep checking with God, almost daily, but still He says wait. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
Prophecy
To believe or not to believe, that is the question.
There are many things I have learned, love and cherish during this barren season and I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for God’s presence in my life. I’m thankful for hearing Him and feeling Him touch me personally. I’m thankful for the gifts He’s given me (see my story of Hope below), and the people He’s had cross my path. God loves me. I know this. I’m specially picked and anointed. He KNEW me before I was in my mother’s womb and He’s given me purpose for many things. I actually believe all of that. I really do. But being those things doesn’t mean you get everything you think you want or should have. It means intimacy. I would never trade that for anything. However, sometimes being intimate is painful.
I met someone who told me God had never spoken to her before. He wasn’t active in that way with her and she was ok with it. I have prayed for God’s overwhelming love to fall on her ever since. There is nothing worse than not having a connection to the Father. I’m blessed in that I feel Him in my life. I see Him working even in the midst of the pain and confusion I feel at times. For me, many of the times God speaks to me aren’t just words, but tangible things. Without going into too many details I will just say, Drew and I are blessed. We’ve had so many opportunities, God encounters and words spoken over us. We’ve met people all over the world that have heard our story and prayed and continue to pray for us. And as much as I love having these moments they are also some of the most painful moments of my life. If I hear, “Just so you know, every person I pray for gets pregnant” one more time I might lose it. I love their enthusiasm though. They are confident that this is the moment and that it’s no big deal. I even had one person tell me when I asked if he would pray for us, “You can’t conceive? Oh, this is an easy one.” as if the last 8 years have been easy. I have to explain that although I respect them it is God that does the giving of life and we for whatever reason haven’t had much luck with that. But of course we receive that prayer while secretly hoping this person really is the key. Maybe this person really can pray us into parenthood. What is most frustrating about these encounters is that most of them pray the same things over us. Life to the womb, the same number of children, even the same sex born in the same order and then they leave and we are left to wait and then to again be disappointed. This=frustrating. What is God doing? With every month the frustration gets stronger. More anguish. More discouragement. More tears. God is desperately trying to strengthen my hope with His messengers because they get more intense every month too.
The Coffee Is Bitter
There is nothing worse than bitter coffee. We just moved and our favorite, beloved, part of the family, our coffee pot, broke. We aren’t feeling great about our new place so the coffee pot breaking made me even more blah. So for a few days we used a French Press. I love French Press coffee, but the longer you let that thing set, the more bitter the coffee turns. I don’t know if that’s true, but it seemed to be happening to us. There’s nothing worse than really bitter coffee. I fight daily to not become bitter coffee. I wake up and drive to the job I felt led to work (yes, it’s a babysitting job for 3 very cute, well taken care of kids=torture) and then come home to my quiet home while hearing about how lucky I am to have the silence. (Just when I wrote ‘silence’ a little kid sitting behind me on this plane started screaming. Seriously. I just burst into laughter)
I can slightly understand the Israelites and their struggle of hearing about “someone” who is coming to deliver them but that “someone” never showing up. They heard that for hundreds of years before Moses came. Then once he did show up I can understand their frustration of wandering in the hot, barren, no life desert and wondering if life-real life- was just around the corner. In my beginning years of trying to conceive I listened to Sara Groves Painting Pictures of Egypt and was convicted of “if it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason for all this time and sand?” I thought, “Ok, Lord, I’m trying to be a better person so you will bless me”. And for years I tried to “do the right thing” and just be content with where God had/has me. But you know what? I’m not content. I’m not content with waiting and waiting and waiting. Every month it’s getting harder to fight off those bitter feelings. I can now begin to understand why Sarah made the mistake she did. It was even more intense for her, as there was more pressure to have a child to carry on the family name etc. It meant everything. And so she found a way through Hagar and Ishmael and changed the world forever-and not for the good. Stupid Sarah. But I DO understand. I remind myself there is power in my choice and then I crawl back to my corner and wait some more.
What Can You Do?
I’m making a list of people I know that are in my shoes. It gets bigger everyday. There are a lot of us out there. I talk about it from stage sometimes in our ministry, but I had no idea there were so many closer friends that are also praying, hoping and waiting. God is faithful. I know this. It’s true. I guess I just want people to not only join Drew and I in prayer for our family, but to become aware. Why the big secret? I’ve been asking myself this question lately. Why is everyone so quiet about infertility? Then I realized, they don’t want to hear the things I’ve heard. This “struggle” is so intense we can hardly watch tv as we are bombarded with baby commercials. We can’t to shopping because if I see one more mother walk away from or yell at their 2 YEAR OLD in Wal-mart I might commit myself. We can barely function some days so to open a door to anyone and everyone to give us advice and answers, well, it’s just too painful. It’s too risky. So on behalf of all of us who don’t have screaming kids but wish we did, I have created a cheat sheet for you.
Please, if you ever meet someone who is trying to conceive don’t say these things:
1. You know you have to have sex to have a baby, right? Better get busy! (dozens of times I have heard this one. You know what? –not funny.)
2. Have you thought about adoption?
3. Don’t worry, just relax and it will happen.
4. If you start to adopt you will get pregnant.
5. Be patient, God isn’t finished with you. It’s just not your time yet.
6. Have you been to the doctor?
7. How old are you? You have plenty of time. (For me, this has changed to, “37? oh. Have you thought of adoption?” Nice.)
8. At least you get to have a lot of sex and have fun trying! (Let me take a moment to tell you how much of a lie this is. Yes, I’m getting personal. I want you to imagine a world where an egg is released once every 30 days and you only have a certain amount of time to fertilize such preciousness. You know it’s time because you’ve been obsessively taking your temperature and it happens to spike during the most inconvenient time of the day. Nonetheless you try to not think about the reason you are having sex, to make a baby. But you can’t help yourself. You both hope this is the lucky month and all the planets are aligned, you prayed the right prayers and everything is perfect. (Did you know, even healthy people who try to conceive only have a 20-30% chance of conceiving? Yup, having a baby is a miracle.) And once it’s all over you just cry from all the pressure and past disappointments. All of this to say, trying to have a baby=no romance=no fun.)
And don’t say anything else that makes it seem like you have the answer. The truth is, sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes there is nowhere to turn. Sometimes you’ve tried everything. Sometimes it’s just a God thing.
I hope you don’t think I am mad or hurt by any of you who might read this. As much as I understand the comments above and the reasons for saying them, I just might need help one day with how and where to adopt or which doctor I should go see to help me through my pregnancy. Here’s a good rule. If you have been through infertility, you can say whatever you want. Otherwise, just love the person. I have so many friends who just love me. They might not understand any of the decisions we are making but they just love us. They send quick notes of prayer, scripture, they hug us, they just love on us. And that’s all we need. It doesn’t matter what struggle you have. People just need to feel loved and walk through these times together. We will never understand why things happen the way they happen. I will never understand suffering and why some seem to have to go through more than others, but I do know this, God is right. He is always right. My understanding of Him is SOOOOO small and I just have to rest in knowing that He is right. I might not like the circumstances of my life right now. Or the season I am in, but the bottom line for me is God is right. He is faithful to His word. He doesn’t torture us. He is faithful and kind, slow to anger RICH in LOVE. He holds me (and those suffering or waiting) closer than I know or can feel. And this is true with many of my friends who not only struggle with fertility but many other things. I have another list of friends that are waiting for a spouse. I pray for them often. Everyday I’m like, “Come on Lord! DO SOMETHING!” I don’t know what He is doing. But I am thankful for amazing friends and family, a church that I love, intimacy with Jesus and so much more. There is MUCH to be thankful for these days.
So, I will bring this blog entry to an end. But again, the reason for it was to ask you to pray for Drew and I. We want you to pray in agreement with us that God will give us children and soon, like now. We feel so led to children and like I said, it gets more intense all the time. But we still feel led to wait for the right time of it all. So we just keep ‘trying’ and praying. God is faithful.
Thanks & MUCH deep love for you all.
Please pray for us.
In working with the creative process of filming our onetimeblind mini movies, I have learned of something called “Breaking the fourth wall”. This means you normally can’t see behind the camera and so you are forced to only be engaged with what you actually see. You hear the actors tell a story and this is reality for you. But the truth really lies beyond that fourth wall. That’s what’s actually ‘real’. It’s where people are holding cameras, lights and microphones. Others are rushing around trying to make sure the scene is going the way it’s supposed to. I have decided to break the 4th wall and let you all in on our intimate journey. The reason is because we really love you and want your prayers. For those of you who are straight and to the point and don’t want to hear the long Smith story, just read the next paragraph and you will get the gist of it. For those who want the gory details of Kat’s heart, read on. And just so you know, we love you all more than words can say.
We want a baby. Please pray that God gives us one.
Many of you know this and have already been praying for and with us for years. Thank you and we hope you continue to petition God on our behalf. I have tossed around the idea of telling the world that we are trying to conceive for a while now. I thought, “Why not tell people and get everyone in the world to pray and believe with us?”. In a stale world where people are robots that idea would work. But our culture has to have a cure for everything. There is always an answer, and everyone has it. We can’t just listen to each other and love and pray. There needs to be a quick fix to make our lives perfect. Sadly, sometimes there isn’t. I don’t blame anyone for trying to explain away the circumstances of life. I have done it myself. To my friends and family and even strangers I apologize for saying stupid things about your sensitive situations. We all take for granted what we already have. We can’t help it. When we meet people we can’t relate to, we honestly don’t know what to say. So we blab off some crazy phrase or word to try to help. It’s with a good heart and intention that this happens, but just so you know, sometimes it’s just ok to say nothing.
Our journey started about 8 years ago when Drew and I were starting to feel that itch. Many of our friends were starting to have children, and we were ready to start a family. It was a struggle from the start as we tried to imagine having children travel with us on the road in the ministry. We had friends who did this and we saw how hard it was. But we also had other friends who had 8 children and made it work. (They are amazing-seriously) So, we wanted to be in God’s will and hoped He would bless us as we moved forward. At the same time a few of our best friends were going through the same thing. I remember we would cry together because our hearts would yearn for a baby as our husbands tried to figure out what the big deal was. (God bless them) We so badly wanted to have children. We didn’t know why we had these desires all of a sudden, but we kept praying. We finally felt like we got the green light from the Lord and so we all started “trying”. I thought it would take one month. It did for my friend. We had heard of a female band that all tried to get pregnant at the same time. They planned it that way so they could all take the same time off for the babies. It worked for them, why not us? We were so excited for our friends and still felt confident that we would soon follow and be getting congratulations from the thousands of people we meet on the road. 8 years later we are still waiting for this.
I know what you’re thinking. “8 YEARS? Why not adopt?” There are 7 adoptions in our immediate families alone. That’s not counting our cousins who were adopted or our countless friends. We are VERY into adoption. I even see myself adopting one day. I AM PRO ADOPTION PEOPLE! But more than that I am pro-God’s will for my life. And we have been very insistent on waiting for God’s green light for adoption to happen. I can’t tell you how I feel wanting a child as bad as I do, and then starting any adoption process-even just looking online etc.-and feeling uneasy, unsettled and no peace. It’s SO frustrating. I can’t believe that God would put these desires in our hearts and then not fulfill them in one way or another. Adoption isn’t out, but it isn’t for now either. We keep checking with God, almost daily, but still He says wait. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
Prophecy
To believe or not to believe, that is the question.
There are many things I have learned, love and cherish during this barren season and I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for God’s presence in my life. I’m thankful for hearing Him and feeling Him touch me personally. I’m thankful for the gifts He’s given me (see my story of Hope below), and the people He’s had cross my path. God loves me. I know this. I’m specially picked and anointed. He KNEW me before I was in my mother’s womb and He’s given me purpose for many things. I actually believe all of that. I really do. But being those things doesn’t mean you get everything you think you want or should have. It means intimacy. I would never trade that for anything. However, sometimes being intimate is painful.
I met someone who told me God had never spoken to her before. He wasn’t active in that way with her and she was ok with it. I have prayed for God’s overwhelming love to fall on her ever since. There is nothing worse than not having a connection to the Father. I’m blessed in that I feel Him in my life. I see Him working even in the midst of the pain and confusion I feel at times. For me, many of the times God speaks to me aren’t just words, but tangible things. Without going into too many details I will just say, Drew and I are blessed. We’ve had so many opportunities, God encounters and words spoken over us. We’ve met people all over the world that have heard our story and prayed and continue to pray for us. And as much as I love having these moments they are also some of the most painful moments of my life. If I hear, “Just so you know, every person I pray for gets pregnant” one more time I might lose it. I love their enthusiasm though. They are confident that this is the moment and that it’s no big deal. I even had one person tell me when I asked if he would pray for us, “You can’t conceive? Oh, this is an easy one.” as if the last 8 years have been easy. I have to explain that although I respect them it is God that does the giving of life and we for whatever reason haven’t had much luck with that. But of course we receive that prayer while secretly hoping this person really is the key. Maybe this person really can pray us into parenthood. What is most frustrating about these encounters is that most of them pray the same things over us. Life to the womb, the same number of children, even the same sex born in the same order and then they leave and we are left to wait and then to again be disappointed. This=frustrating. What is God doing? With every month the frustration gets stronger. More anguish. More discouragement. More tears. God is desperately trying to strengthen my hope with His messengers because they get more intense every month too.
The Coffee Is Bitter
There is nothing worse than bitter coffee. We just moved and our favorite, beloved, part of the family, our coffee pot, broke. We aren’t feeling great about our new place so the coffee pot breaking made me even more blah. So for a few days we used a French Press. I love French Press coffee, but the longer you let that thing set, the more bitter the coffee turns. I don’t know if that’s true, but it seemed to be happening to us. There’s nothing worse than really bitter coffee. I fight daily to not become bitter coffee. I wake up and drive to the job I felt led to work (yes, it’s a babysitting job for 3 very cute, well taken care of kids=torture) and then come home to my quiet home while hearing about how lucky I am to have the silence. (Just when I wrote ‘silence’ a little kid sitting behind me on this plane started screaming. Seriously. I just burst into laughter)
I can slightly understand the Israelites and their struggle of hearing about “someone” who is coming to deliver them but that “someone” never showing up. They heard that for hundreds of years before Moses came. Then once he did show up I can understand their frustration of wandering in the hot, barren, no life desert and wondering if life-real life- was just around the corner. In my beginning years of trying to conceive I listened to Sara Groves Painting Pictures of Egypt and was convicted of “if it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason for all this time and sand?” I thought, “Ok, Lord, I’m trying to be a better person so you will bless me”. And for years I tried to “do the right thing” and just be content with where God had/has me. But you know what? I’m not content. I’m not content with waiting and waiting and waiting. Every month it’s getting harder to fight off those bitter feelings. I can now begin to understand why Sarah made the mistake she did. It was even more intense for her, as there was more pressure to have a child to carry on the family name etc. It meant everything. And so she found a way through Hagar and Ishmael and changed the world forever-and not for the good. Stupid Sarah. But I DO understand. I remind myself there is power in my choice and then I crawl back to my corner and wait some more.
What Can You Do?
I’m making a list of people I know that are in my shoes. It gets bigger everyday. There are a lot of us out there. I talk about it from stage sometimes in our ministry, but I had no idea there were so many closer friends that are also praying, hoping and waiting. God is faithful. I know this. It’s true. I guess I just want people to not only join Drew and I in prayer for our family, but to become aware. Why the big secret? I’ve been asking myself this question lately. Why is everyone so quiet about infertility? Then I realized, they don’t want to hear the things I’ve heard. This “struggle” is so intense we can hardly watch tv as we are bombarded with baby commercials. We can’t to shopping because if I see one more mother walk away from or yell at their 2 YEAR OLD in Wal-mart I might commit myself. We can barely function some days so to open a door to anyone and everyone to give us advice and answers, well, it’s just too painful. It’s too risky. So on behalf of all of us who don’t have screaming kids but wish we did, I have created a cheat sheet for you.
Please, if you ever meet someone who is trying to conceive don’t say these things:
1. You know you have to have sex to have a baby, right? Better get busy! (dozens of times I have heard this one. You know what? –not funny.)
2. Have you thought about adoption?
3. Don’t worry, just relax and it will happen.
4. If you start to adopt you will get pregnant.
5. Be patient, God isn’t finished with you. It’s just not your time yet.
6. Have you been to the doctor?
7. How old are you? You have plenty of time. (For me, this has changed to, “37? oh. Have you thought of adoption?” Nice.)
8. At least you get to have a lot of sex and have fun trying! (Let me take a moment to tell you how much of a lie this is. Yes, I’m getting personal. I want you to imagine a world where an egg is released once every 30 days and you only have a certain amount of time to fertilize such preciousness. You know it’s time because you’ve been obsessively taking your temperature and it happens to spike during the most inconvenient time of the day. Nonetheless you try to not think about the reason you are having sex, to make a baby. But you can’t help yourself. You both hope this is the lucky month and all the planets are aligned, you prayed the right prayers and everything is perfect. (Did you know, even healthy people who try to conceive only have a 20-30% chance of conceiving? Yup, having a baby is a miracle.) And once it’s all over you just cry from all the pressure and past disappointments. All of this to say, trying to have a baby=no romance=no fun.)
And don’t say anything else that makes it seem like you have the answer. The truth is, sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes there is nowhere to turn. Sometimes you’ve tried everything. Sometimes it’s just a God thing.
I hope you don’t think I am mad or hurt by any of you who might read this. As much as I understand the comments above and the reasons for saying them, I just might need help one day with how and where to adopt or which doctor I should go see to help me through my pregnancy. Here’s a good rule. If you have been through infertility, you can say whatever you want. Otherwise, just love the person. I have so many friends who just love me. They might not understand any of the decisions we are making but they just love us. They send quick notes of prayer, scripture, they hug us, they just love on us. And that’s all we need. It doesn’t matter what struggle you have. People just need to feel loved and walk through these times together. We will never understand why things happen the way they happen. I will never understand suffering and why some seem to have to go through more than others, but I do know this, God is right. He is always right. My understanding of Him is SOOOOO small and I just have to rest in knowing that He is right. I might not like the circumstances of my life right now. Or the season I am in, but the bottom line for me is God is right. He is faithful to His word. He doesn’t torture us. He is faithful and kind, slow to anger RICH in LOVE. He holds me (and those suffering or waiting) closer than I know or can feel. And this is true with many of my friends who not only struggle with fertility but many other things. I have another list of friends that are waiting for a spouse. I pray for them often. Everyday I’m like, “Come on Lord! DO SOMETHING!” I don’t know what He is doing. But I am thankful for amazing friends and family, a church that I love, intimacy with Jesus and so much more. There is MUCH to be thankful for these days.
So, I will bring this blog entry to an end. But again, the reason for it was to ask you to pray for Drew and I. We want you to pray in agreement with us that God will give us children and soon, like now. We feel so led to children and like I said, it gets more intense all the time. But we still feel led to wait for the right time of it all. So we just keep ‘trying’ and praying. God is faithful.
Thanks & MUCH deep love for you all.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Hope Lifts Us Up
“God has amazing plans for you and He is faithful in fulfilling His promises!”
I’ve said this phrase so many times I’ve almost become numb to it. I’m a speaker who travels with a ministry sharing the love of Christ through drama, music and speaking. I tell people across the country that God is amazing-that He can do anything. Some days I believe this, but in the past few years my heart hurts when I tell others these truths because I believe God can do anything for other people, but I’m not so sure what He can do for me.
My husband, Drew, and I have been trying to have children for more than seven years. We’ve had our trials through this process as traveling for a living and doctor appointments don’t always cooperate with each other. Although we still believe God will bring us children in His time, the waiting has caused my heart to wax and wane with wonderings and doubt.
Walking the road called “Infertility” has caused me to reevaluate hope and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells us in Romans 5:5 that “hope does not disappoint us.” I want to live and breathe what the Word tells me. The confidence I gain by having God’s Word in my life is invaluable. However, this verse is hard to understand. Every month as we claim God’s promises and still don’t see the physical evidence of them, this verse leaves me more disappointed and confused. Hope gets more difficult every month, and compels me to question God’s promises and faithfulness in my life. I wonder if He sees me, hears me, or if He even cares.
But then something happened.
In the fall our ministry had a program in Missouri. I finished lunch and went for a walk and ended up in a Hallmark store. It seemedlike it would be a good distraction from my thoughts. As I was looking around, I noticed some little angel statues. They are carved wooden images of people-a little girl holding a flower, a mom holding her baby, a dad with kids and puppies. I did my usual glance and roll of my eyes. These statues were a glaring reminder of things I don’t have.
But then I saw a statues at eye level-a child holding a wire that formed the shape of a floating balloon on a string. He was looking up at the balloon as if it was about to lift him from the earth. Inside the balloon was written the word, "Hope".
It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".
Hope lifts. Hope lifts. Hope lifts. I just stood there staring and then began to cry because I didn’t feel this was true. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. We have prayed and tried to have children for so long. Every time I see a mother with a child, something in me yearns, longs, and exasperates to be blessed like she is.
Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell my heart one more time to "wait" and it will laugh. Wait sits on the outside of my heart and has been there for so long it seems to have taken me prisoner.
But strangely that is also where Hope knocks. He is like a little kid playing a prank on my heart. You know the trick - there’s a knock on the door and you go answer, but when you open the door, no one is there. Then when you close the door, there is another annoying knock.
I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year, and I can’t help but fall for its trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that I will not Hope this time, or fall for Hope’s tricks, I see something in the window, just for a moment, then it’s hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair, a tiny shadow, a smile. A child playing tricks, knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. Disappointing is the wrong word to describe it. Hope is hidden.
After my Missouri trip, I drove to visit my sister and was thinking and praying about this Hope that confuses me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that so deeply struck my heart. There was something about it that brought peace to me. Hope lifts...Hope lifts....
I thought about asking my husband to buy it for me. I hadn’t told anyone about that statue and that intimate moment with the boy of Hope. I knew if I explained why I wanted it, Drew would buy it for me. I thought, No, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving, continuing to pray about my life.
I had a great visit with my sister and her family. I hadn't seen them for several months and the visit was priceless. I was standing at the door saying good-bye to everyone with my coat on and bags in hand when my sister said, "Oh! I almost forgot. I was downtown last week and went past a store and thought I should go in. I did and when I saw this, I knew you just had to have it.” I looked at the box and read, “Hope Lifts Us Up.” I burst into tears.
He hears me! And He says, “Hold onto Hope.”
We don’t have children yet, but I know God hasn’t forgotten us. His plan is right on time. When I look at the statue now, instead of “Hope disappoints,” I think, “No more Hope deferred!” (Proverbs 13:12). I am clinging to Him as I continue to push through these times of waiting. May our eyes be opened to His love that pulls us closer to Him, because sometimes the pain is so bad, so deep, all you feel is Jesus. And isn’t that a good thing?
Keep hoping. May it lift us up. And one day, Hope will lift us from the earth, and float us gently into our promise land.
I’ve said this phrase so many times I’ve almost become numb to it. I’m a speaker who travels with a ministry sharing the love of Christ through drama, music and speaking. I tell people across the country that God is amazing-that He can do anything. Some days I believe this, but in the past few years my heart hurts when I tell others these truths because I believe God can do anything for other people, but I’m not so sure what He can do for me.
My husband, Drew, and I have been trying to have children for more than seven years. We’ve had our trials through this process as traveling for a living and doctor appointments don’t always cooperate with each other. Although we still believe God will bring us children in His time, the waiting has caused my heart to wax and wane with wonderings and doubt.
Walking the road called “Infertility” has caused me to reevaluate hope and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells us in Romans 5:5 that “hope does not disappoint us.” I want to live and breathe what the Word tells me. The confidence I gain by having God’s Word in my life is invaluable. However, this verse is hard to understand. Every month as we claim God’s promises and still don’t see the physical evidence of them, this verse leaves me more disappointed and confused. Hope gets more difficult every month, and compels me to question God’s promises and faithfulness in my life. I wonder if He sees me, hears me, or if He even cares.
But then something happened.
In the fall our ministry had a program in Missouri. I finished lunch and went for a walk and ended up in a Hallmark store. It seemedlike it would be a good distraction from my thoughts. As I was looking around, I noticed some little angel statues. They are carved wooden images of people-a little girl holding a flower, a mom holding her baby, a dad with kids and puppies. I did my usual glance and roll of my eyes. These statues were a glaring reminder of things I don’t have.
But then I saw a statues at eye level-a child holding a wire that formed the shape of a floating balloon on a string. He was looking up at the balloon as if it was about to lift him from the earth. Inside the balloon was written the word, "Hope".
It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".
Hope lifts. Hope lifts. Hope lifts. I just stood there staring and then began to cry because I didn’t feel this was true. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. We have prayed and tried to have children for so long. Every time I see a mother with a child, something in me yearns, longs, and exasperates to be blessed like she is.
Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell my heart one more time to "wait" and it will laugh. Wait sits on the outside of my heart and has been there for so long it seems to have taken me prisoner.
But strangely that is also where Hope knocks. He is like a little kid playing a prank on my heart. You know the trick - there’s a knock on the door and you go answer, but when you open the door, no one is there. Then when you close the door, there is another annoying knock.
I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year, and I can’t help but fall for its trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that I will not Hope this time, or fall for Hope’s tricks, I see something in the window, just for a moment, then it’s hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair, a tiny shadow, a smile. A child playing tricks, knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. Disappointing is the wrong word to describe it. Hope is hidden.
After my Missouri trip, I drove to visit my sister and was thinking and praying about this Hope that confuses me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that so deeply struck my heart. There was something about it that brought peace to me. Hope lifts...Hope lifts....
I thought about asking my husband to buy it for me. I hadn’t told anyone about that statue and that intimate moment with the boy of Hope. I knew if I explained why I wanted it, Drew would buy it for me. I thought, No, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving, continuing to pray about my life.
I had a great visit with my sister and her family. I hadn't seen them for several months and the visit was priceless. I was standing at the door saying good-bye to everyone with my coat on and bags in hand when my sister said, "Oh! I almost forgot. I was downtown last week and went past a store and thought I should go in. I did and when I saw this, I knew you just had to have it.” I looked at the box and read, “Hope Lifts Us Up.” I burst into tears.
He hears me! And He says, “Hold onto Hope.”
We don’t have children yet, but I know God hasn’t forgotten us. His plan is right on time. When I look at the statue now, instead of “Hope disappoints,” I think, “No more Hope deferred!” (Proverbs 13:12). I am clinging to Him as I continue to push through these times of waiting. May our eyes be opened to His love that pulls us closer to Him, because sometimes the pain is so bad, so deep, all you feel is Jesus. And isn’t that a good thing?
Keep hoping. May it lift us up. And one day, Hope will lift us from the earth, and float us gently into our promise land.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
yoga requirements
Things are always changing around us. Even as I look outside I see the leaves changing their color on the tree. Seems early since it's barely September, but God is in control and He will do things on His time. I laugh as I write that God is doing something early because it never seems to be the case. He isn't late either, but He's always right on time. His time though, not mine, and I hate that. The Lord of the Universe frustrates me with that "His time" thing. But the truth is, His timing really is perfect. Even though I can't see the end or even the middle of this story, I am learning to trust that the end is good. No, not good. OVERLY BLESSED!
We have decided to settle down a bit and only travel once a month or so. With this comes questions galore about how we are going to pay not only ministry bills but our own. So we change our direction (the way we think-the way we live) and are getting full time jobs outside of onetimeblind. This has been difficult as change always is. Drew has just started working at a restaurant and seems to be loving it. Ryan has applied at a few places and is WAITING to hear. Laura, well, she has her hands full with the change of going from 3 kids to 4. And I have also applied for a few jobs and WAIT to hear from them too. Ryan and Laura are also looking for a car/van and hope to move into a house early spring. Change. Drew and I keep praying for children and refuse to give up as we relentlessly chase the Creator of all things. And we all wait. It seems so many of my friends are in a waiting place of some kind. Either waiting for jobs, kids, houses, direction for the future, healing or just dinner-these things take time.
Change is hard. But it feels good. It's kind of like stretching muscles you haven't stretched in awhile. It hurts, but it feels good too. I have been doing on exercise program lately and included in the week is a day of yoga. I had never done yoga so I had no idea that it was so hard. I mean, I would watch people do this and they are moving so slow! I thought, "what could be so hard? And how are they getting tone bodies from practically doing nothing?" Again, I had no idea. Try yoga sometime, that's all I have to say about that. I honestly think yoga should be a requirement for all mankind because it really does teach us so much. Yoga is about balance, and focus. It makes you calm yourself down and concentrate on your muscles and on relaxing. One section is mainly related to balance and my instructor has me balancing on one leg or one toe or one finger etc. It seems impossible and as you stand there and try to focus you begin to shake. But he encourages you, "Keep Standing! You can do it". So, I take a deep breath and continue holding my stance. Sometime I fall out, but the instructor again says, "Sometimes you will fall out, that's ok, just regain your FOCUS and get your balance again". Sometimes I balance for so long my body trembles from the muscles straining. And again he says, "Do your best, and forget the rest".
Do my best and forget the rest. I think life could be boiled down to that simple sentence. We are trying to do our best. Everyday we keep holding our stance and focusing. But you know what, the world is cruel, and the enemy is even crueler. He will throw any distraction, worry, problem, or fear at us that he can. The last think he wants us to do is FOCUS. So I start to tremble and listen to him and see others falling out. My spirit feels faint and I get confused and scared. And then I hear my exercise instructor tell me, "The tip of the day is 'just breathe'" Wait. Refocus. Balance again. I feel my muscle being stretched. Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out.....and somehow as I keep breathing and pushing my muscles get more loose and the stretching almost (I said almost) feels good. Strength training. I guess as long as we keep breathing through this stretching and waiting in our lives, we will gain strength.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11
We have decided to settle down a bit and only travel once a month or so. With this comes questions galore about how we are going to pay not only ministry bills but our own. So we change our direction (the way we think-the way we live) and are getting full time jobs outside of onetimeblind. This has been difficult as change always is. Drew has just started working at a restaurant and seems to be loving it. Ryan has applied at a few places and is WAITING to hear. Laura, well, she has her hands full with the change of going from 3 kids to 4. And I have also applied for a few jobs and WAIT to hear from them too. Ryan and Laura are also looking for a car/van and hope to move into a house early spring. Change. Drew and I keep praying for children and refuse to give up as we relentlessly chase the Creator of all things. And we all wait. It seems so many of my friends are in a waiting place of some kind. Either waiting for jobs, kids, houses, direction for the future, healing or just dinner-these things take time.
Change is hard. But it feels good. It's kind of like stretching muscles you haven't stretched in awhile. It hurts, but it feels good too. I have been doing on exercise program lately and included in the week is a day of yoga. I had never done yoga so I had no idea that it was so hard. I mean, I would watch people do this and they are moving so slow! I thought, "what could be so hard? And how are they getting tone bodies from practically doing nothing?" Again, I had no idea. Try yoga sometime, that's all I have to say about that. I honestly think yoga should be a requirement for all mankind because it really does teach us so much. Yoga is about balance, and focus. It makes you calm yourself down and concentrate on your muscles and on relaxing. One section is mainly related to balance and my instructor has me balancing on one leg or one toe or one finger etc. It seems impossible and as you stand there and try to focus you begin to shake. But he encourages you, "Keep Standing! You can do it". So, I take a deep breath and continue holding my stance. Sometime I fall out, but the instructor again says, "Sometimes you will fall out, that's ok, just regain your FOCUS and get your balance again". Sometimes I balance for so long my body trembles from the muscles straining. And again he says, "Do your best, and forget the rest".
Do my best and forget the rest. I think life could be boiled down to that simple sentence. We are trying to do our best. Everyday we keep holding our stance and focusing. But you know what, the world is cruel, and the enemy is even crueler. He will throw any distraction, worry, problem, or fear at us that he can. The last think he wants us to do is FOCUS. So I start to tremble and listen to him and see others falling out. My spirit feels faint and I get confused and scared. And then I hear my exercise instructor tell me, "The tip of the day is 'just breathe'" Wait. Refocus. Balance again. I feel my muscle being stretched. Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out.....and somehow as I keep breathing and pushing my muscles get more loose and the stretching almost (I said almost) feels good. Strength training. I guess as long as we keep breathing through this stretching and waiting in our lives, we will gain strength.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11
Monday, April 27, 2009
I was encouraged to write from a friend we haven't seen in awhile. He told me he reads my blog sometimes and wondered why I hadn't written much. That sent me on a path of thought to review the past few years. Drew and I had been taking care of a friend who was terminally ill. For two years we lived with him, fed him, helped him bathe, filled his needs and tried to make the last few months of his life wonderful. I believe we did this as we loved as unconditionally as we could. Yes, we made mistakes, but we always felt like God was going to redeem us. It was a stressful two years. Last fall our friend had to move into his mothers house and because of our attachment to him we all decided it would be best to not remain in one anothers lives. It was hard. We were stressed in every area of our lives. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Financially. All were a wreck. We needed Jesus more than we ever had needed him before. For 2 months we did nothing but sleep, go to counseling and try to figure out what to do. In a sense it was like we lost a child we never had. For those 2 years that we took care of him, we didn't do anything else. We gave up our families and friends, each other and ourselves. We hardly ever visited anyone and no one ever came over. We lost ourselves.
7 months later we are slowly finding ourselves and one another again. We have recently moved which has been AWESOME! God has led us to an unbelievable church with the kindest people and neighbors who have already become dear friends. We are excited about our future. He seems to be moving all things into place for us, our future, and our family.
God truly is making all things new.
I was at a show recently and talking with a friend who told me he wasn't mad at the circumstances in his life, but just disappointed. I was struck by this statement because, well, that's not ok. And because I understand. But, I believe God is not a God that disappoints. I TOTALLY BELIEVE He will give us what we ask if we come to Him asking for it. I TOTALLY believe if we claim His scripture we will receive and the things that man tell us don't matter. MAN IS FAULTY! I read a scripture that night at focus. 2 Corinthians 1:3-10
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us
The thing I got out of this scripture is that God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort (v3). HE comforts US so that we can comfort those who need his comfort. Sometimes in certain situations we cant comfort in a way that we don't understand. For example, I have several friends who have had miscarriages. I feel the loss they feel in that I don't have any children. And I have a compassion for any loss that people have to go through. However, there is a depth to that specific loss that I will never know. (and hope not to know) But there are other losses or things that I have felt deeply that I now can comfort others through. God has comforted me and led me, pushed me, drug me, carried me, skipped with me, walked with me through many situations (emotionally, physically, spiritually) that I couldn't do on my own. And now I am able to give that comfort to others feeling that same deep loss as I did/do.
But--it goes on to say, "If we are distressed, it is for your comfort, if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same suffering we suffer." To me, this is saying the pain I am going through is to produce patient endurance in others who are also going through the same thing. I guess it isn't all about me. :) AND--we have hope because just as we share the same suffering, we will share our same comfort (which is God).
And v. 8-9 says Paul and peeps were so stressed and going through hardship they even thought they were going to be sentenced to death. I feel troubled, but I know I have my life-for now. But he says that it happened so they would rely on God and not ourselves. Lord help us, more of You and less of me.
BUT then the BEST PART is v. 10
:He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us! On HIM we have set our Hope that he will continue to deliver us, And back in v. 9 he mentions that we might rely not just on God, but on "God who raises the dead."!
What does this mean? Holy crap, it means if we put our Hope in Christ he will comfort us yes, but we must remember at all times HE IS THE GOD THAT CAN RAISE THE DEAD!!!!! You need a miracle?
I know I do, and I'm praying for one. And God is going to give me one. We put our hope in Christ who can take something that is dying, dead, broken, missing, damaged, and HE can RAISE IT UP! I love God.
The problem for me with this scripture (however much I love and believe it) is that word that haunts me....Hope. In a cd that I just got from a dear friend the description had this sentence, "There are still women who weep hopeless tears." May we cling to the promises of LIFE and RESTORATION in the scripture and press into it. Write it on our doors, windows, fridges, mirrors, pictures, skin, hearts, cars and everywhere else we need to until we believe it.
Oh, God--give us your comfort...and then raise the dead.
7 months later we are slowly finding ourselves and one another again. We have recently moved which has been AWESOME! God has led us to an unbelievable church with the kindest people and neighbors who have already become dear friends. We are excited about our future. He seems to be moving all things into place for us, our future, and our family.
God truly is making all things new.
I was at a show recently and talking with a friend who told me he wasn't mad at the circumstances in his life, but just disappointed. I was struck by this statement because, well, that's not ok. And because I understand. But, I believe God is not a God that disappoints. I TOTALLY BELIEVE He will give us what we ask if we come to Him asking for it. I TOTALLY believe if we claim His scripture we will receive and the things that man tell us don't matter. MAN IS FAULTY! I read a scripture that night at focus. 2 Corinthians 1:3-10
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us
The thing I got out of this scripture is that God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort (v3). HE comforts US so that we can comfort those who need his comfort. Sometimes in certain situations we cant comfort in a way that we don't understand. For example, I have several friends who have had miscarriages. I feel the loss they feel in that I don't have any children. And I have a compassion for any loss that people have to go through. However, there is a depth to that specific loss that I will never know. (and hope not to know) But there are other losses or things that I have felt deeply that I now can comfort others through. God has comforted me and led me, pushed me, drug me, carried me, skipped with me, walked with me through many situations (emotionally, physically, spiritually) that I couldn't do on my own. And now I am able to give that comfort to others feeling that same deep loss as I did/do.
But--it goes on to say, "If we are distressed, it is for your comfort, if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same suffering we suffer." To me, this is saying the pain I am going through is to produce patient endurance in others who are also going through the same thing. I guess it isn't all about me. :) AND--we have hope because just as we share the same suffering, we will share our same comfort (which is God).
And v. 8-9 says Paul and peeps were so stressed and going through hardship they even thought they were going to be sentenced to death. I feel troubled, but I know I have my life-for now. But he says that it happened so they would rely on God and not ourselves. Lord help us, more of You and less of me.
BUT then the BEST PART is v. 10
:He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us! On HIM we have set our Hope that he will continue to deliver us, And back in v. 9 he mentions that we might rely not just on God, but on "God who raises the dead."!
What does this mean? Holy crap, it means if we put our Hope in Christ he will comfort us yes, but we must remember at all times HE IS THE GOD THAT CAN RAISE THE DEAD!!!!! You need a miracle?
I know I do, and I'm praying for one. And God is going to give me one. We put our hope in Christ who can take something that is dying, dead, broken, missing, damaged, and HE can RAISE IT UP! I love God.
The problem for me with this scripture (however much I love and believe it) is that word that haunts me....Hope. In a cd that I just got from a dear friend the description had this sentence, "There are still women who weep hopeless tears." May we cling to the promises of LIFE and RESTORATION in the scripture and press into it. Write it on our doors, windows, fridges, mirrors, pictures, skin, hearts, cars and everywhere else we need to until we believe it.
Oh, God--give us your comfort...and then raise the dead.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
freedom at the movies
I am sitting here trying to write a new skit on freedom and watching all kinds of videos about this subject. But I can't stop thinking about what happened to me yesterday.
I got a phone call from Eden who is 5. She explained to me that every year her family gets to pick a football team and if that team wins the super bowl Nana gives them $25. Well, this year 5 year old Eden won. She was given the $25 and her parents told her she could do anything she wants with the money. After thinking awhile she came out to the living room and announced that she had decided what she wanted. She knew she could buy any toy or dvd she wanted. But after much thought she told them she first wanted to give some money to God and second decided to ask aunt Sassy (me) to go to the movies. So she called me to ask if I wanted to go with her. "My treat" she said. Did I mention she is 5?
To put into words how special a person must be to be picked out of all of her friends and family I can't do. Not only that, she chose me over a new doll, high school musical stuff, video game, or a trip to her favorite McDonalds! CRAZY special.
I still don't have a skit on freedom, but at least I feel special to live in a country where a 5 year old can take her aunt to the movies and that's pretty cool.
I got a phone call from Eden who is 5. She explained to me that every year her family gets to pick a football team and if that team wins the super bowl Nana gives them $25. Well, this year 5 year old Eden won. She was given the $25 and her parents told her she could do anything she wants with the money. After thinking awhile she came out to the living room and announced that she had decided what she wanted. She knew she could buy any toy or dvd she wanted. But after much thought she told them she first wanted to give some money to God and second decided to ask aunt Sassy (me) to go to the movies. So she called me to ask if I wanted to go with her. "My treat" she said. Did I mention she is 5?
To put into words how special a person must be to be picked out of all of her friends and family I can't do. Not only that, she chose me over a new doll, high school musical stuff, video game, or a trip to her favorite McDonalds! CRAZY special.
I still don't have a skit on freedom, but at least I feel special to live in a country where a 5 year old can take her aunt to the movies and that's pretty cool.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
one hug and a big smile.
So I noticed I haven't really written on here for several months. Almost even a year. I thought I would at least take a moment to share that last night I said to drew, "sometimes I just smile for no reason". And he replied quickly, "Me too!". It felt good. And made me smile again.
This winter feels different. We feel free. We feel we are headed in the right direction walking towards goals, together. I never thought I would be happy like this again. We are so care free and I NEVER want to let anything steal that from me again. I know life is hard, but it seems if we can open our eyes and make some tough choices (righteous and holy choices) that we could have random smiling even during a recession.
Many things have made a difference to me. One is Drew and I made a boundary to not work on Thursdays. This day is holy to us and although making the boundary has been hard and we have fallen a few times, we are doing pretty good at keeping it. I absolutely LOVE living alone with drew. It has been almost 10 years since we lived by ourselves. It was great to be able to help other people and have them living with us, but I think I didn't realize how much it was affecting our relationship. DUH. But now, it is so much fun just being together. I think when 2 people go through tragic, tough times, not having money to pay the electric bill doesn't seem so stressful anymore.
We started working with a company called Mona Vie and we are taking that product. It has made an unbelievable difference in our lives. The juice has super strong antioxidants in it-the acai berry-, it's all natural with 19 different fruits with NOTHING else added. We are sleeping better, feeling happier, moods are better, not as many creaky bones, and just having fun! We are also involved with their personal training system called TEAM. It has been amazing as well. Positive thinking and goal creating is the focus and we can tell a difference. We are on our way to becoming debt free! We had gotten into a lot of debt because we took care of a sick friend for over a year. But we are confident we did the right thing and God will bless us for it. Even financially. We just have to give Him time to work. But this new venture for us has been excellent.
I have so much to do before the Christmas season. We don't have a tree this year and although I love real ones, our apartment wont let us get one. It's probably better that way since we don't have the money. BUT I did go onto freecycle.com and someone has a tree for me in their attic! I have to get it next week. Sometimes it's just fun to make do with what you have. We are downsizing much of our things, realizing we have too much and don't need it. So, life is fun, it really is. I don't feel stress hardly ever.
We created some mini movies
to sell and that is going AWESOME as well. I'm just so excited in so many different areas of life.
We aren't even actively working or thinking about this, but God even sent a man and his wife all the way from New York to pray for us to have children. The same week a woman of God tested us and gave us medicine to help our bodies function the way God intended. God truly is amazing. He is giving us blessing on top of blessing. When the bible says, "Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.", it really means it. I am waiting in expectance for all things to work our according to His glory and for His children who love Him so dearly.
*random smile*
This winter feels different. We feel free. We feel we are headed in the right direction walking towards goals, together. I never thought I would be happy like this again. We are so care free and I NEVER want to let anything steal that from me again. I know life is hard, but it seems if we can open our eyes and make some tough choices (righteous and holy choices) that we could have random smiling even during a recession.
Many things have made a difference to me. One is Drew and I made a boundary to not work on Thursdays. This day is holy to us and although making the boundary has been hard and we have fallen a few times, we are doing pretty good at keeping it. I absolutely LOVE living alone with drew. It has been almost 10 years since we lived by ourselves. It was great to be able to help other people and have them living with us, but I think I didn't realize how much it was affecting our relationship. DUH. But now, it is so much fun just being together. I think when 2 people go through tragic, tough times, not having money to pay the electric bill doesn't seem so stressful anymore.
We started working with a company called Mona Vie and we are taking that product. It has made an unbelievable difference in our lives. The juice has super strong antioxidants in it-the acai berry-, it's all natural with 19 different fruits with NOTHING else added. We are sleeping better, feeling happier, moods are better, not as many creaky bones, and just having fun! We are also involved with their personal training system called TEAM. It has been amazing as well. Positive thinking and goal creating is the focus and we can tell a difference. We are on our way to becoming debt free! We had gotten into a lot of debt because we took care of a sick friend for over a year. But we are confident we did the right thing and God will bless us for it. Even financially. We just have to give Him time to work. But this new venture for us has been excellent.
I have so much to do before the Christmas season. We don't have a tree this year and although I love real ones, our apartment wont let us get one. It's probably better that way since we don't have the money. BUT I did go onto freecycle.com and someone has a tree for me in their attic! I have to get it next week. Sometimes it's just fun to make do with what you have. We are downsizing much of our things, realizing we have too much and don't need it. So, life is fun, it really is. I don't feel stress hardly ever.
We created some mini movies
to sell and that is going AWESOME as well. I'm just so excited in so many different areas of life.
We aren't even actively working or thinking about this, but God even sent a man and his wife all the way from New York to pray for us to have children. The same week a woman of God tested us and gave us medicine to help our bodies function the way God intended. God truly is amazing. He is giving us blessing on top of blessing. When the bible says, "Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.", it really means it. I am waiting in expectance for all things to work our according to His glory and for His children who love Him so dearly.
*random smile*
oprah
Last night I dreamed I met Oprah.
Then all of her workers got high and I had to drive them somewhere to get help. They were crying etc. and I was thinking, "How did I get here?" and all I wanted to do was call Drew but my phone was almost dead. I think in the end they took me and put some sort of drug in me.
Oprah was nowhere to be seen.
Does that mean something?
Then all of her workers got high and I had to drive them somewhere to get help. They were crying etc. and I was thinking, "How did I get here?" and all I wanted to do was call Drew but my phone was almost dead. I think in the end they took me and put some sort of drug in me.
Oprah was nowhere to be seen.
Does that mean something?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
MY FIRST PUBLICATION!!!!
It is true, I have been published. I don't like the pic so much, but it was chosen by Schmap.com to mark Falls Church on the D.C. map. I am so proud because that church is where George Washington worshipped! Anyway, celebrate and enjoy with me! :)
Sunday, August 03, 2008
what to do
What do you do when you believe so strongly in a prophecy because you feel that God has confirmed it over and over and over through the years but no one else believes it? Even the person that should believe seems to take it lightly. I try to live my life the way God would have me live it. THAT isn't an easy decision. There are many decisions I would have made differently if they were up to me, yet I try to remain faithful to His plan that I don't understand. SO WHERE IS THE REDEMPTION that I long to feel? How long must I tread through prickers to find something, faithful. Does anyone really care about anything else but themselves? Is the world really that self focused?
I live in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do. And God keeps sending me back.
I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
I live in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do. And God keeps sending me back.
I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
Friday, July 18, 2008
not today
I fell.
Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.
Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...
I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.
I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.
So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.
Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.
Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...
I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.
I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.
So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Get Wisdom. Get Understanding.
Get--as a possession not to be given up.
neither decline--that is, from obeying my word.
Get wisdom, take pains for it. take more pains to get this than the wealth of this world.
When I was in high school we had to take a foreign language. Our school only offered Spanish and French although now I know most schools offer many other languages as well. I always thought French was cool, you know, for lovers and such. So off I went taking 3 years of French classes and I studied and did well enough for a B. Not a high B though because I was always scared to speak the language. The problem was I studied my book and vocab words, but I didn't have any experience speaking it. Most of the students would practice with one another, or just remember, but I never did. By my third year we weren't allowed to speak English at all in class and I remembered feeling SO freaked out. I think I actually dropped the class eventually. Most of the other students who stayed, actually went on to go to France and use what they had learned. I wish I would have, but I didn't understand the language. When they got back, they were all talking about how great it was. They went to France, I didn't. They experienced something and unless I on my own make an effort to go there as well, I will never understand.
I realized yesterday that for years I have been praying for God's wisdom and understanding. But I think I thought they would come in a pretty book signed by a famous Christian author purchased at a safe Christian bookstore while MWS played in the background. I had no idea that sometimes understanding is experience. Have you ever had to explain something and people wouldn't believe you until they saw it themselves? Then when they did see it, the response was, "OH, now I understand!". That is how God is giving me the gift of wisdom and understanding. I thought it would be easy and fun like college, finding a new concept about God and loving Him more, but God's relationships grow deeper and with more passion every year and some things you can get from a book.
I asked God to give me understanding, and He he replies with a resounding,"Yes!", but what I didn't know is to get this godly understanding I must walk through the field of experience and be subject to even the most brutal of machines to reshape who I am, what I am becoming and the way I see and do life. Because once my heart has felt and my world has encountered this understanding, and if I keep walking through it, I can't ever be the same. I am rethinking how much understanding and wisdom I actually would like to have. I am not sure how many more experiences I can take in life, but it is the experiences, the understanding, that reminds us that we are alive.
Live with the lost & searching,
talk to the forgotten,
listen to the confused,
have dinner with the lonely,
look at the over looked,
cry with the broken hearted,
hold hands with the "children" who were abused,
feel the warm tears that fall from the eyes of the unwanted and the disfigured
ce sont les manières de l'arrangement
---these are the ways of understanding
neither decline--that is, from obeying my word.
Get wisdom, take pains for it. take more pains to get this than the wealth of this world.
When I was in high school we had to take a foreign language. Our school only offered Spanish and French although now I know most schools offer many other languages as well. I always thought French was cool, you know, for lovers and such. So off I went taking 3 years of French classes and I studied and did well enough for a B. Not a high B though because I was always scared to speak the language. The problem was I studied my book and vocab words, but I didn't have any experience speaking it. Most of the students would practice with one another, or just remember, but I never did. By my third year we weren't allowed to speak English at all in class and I remembered feeling SO freaked out. I think I actually dropped the class eventually. Most of the other students who stayed, actually went on to go to France and use what they had learned. I wish I would have, but I didn't understand the language. When they got back, they were all talking about how great it was. They went to France, I didn't. They experienced something and unless I on my own make an effort to go there as well, I will never understand.
I realized yesterday that for years I have been praying for God's wisdom and understanding. But I think I thought they would come in a pretty book signed by a famous Christian author purchased at a safe Christian bookstore while MWS played in the background. I had no idea that sometimes understanding is experience. Have you ever had to explain something and people wouldn't believe you until they saw it themselves? Then when they did see it, the response was, "OH, now I understand!". That is how God is giving me the gift of wisdom and understanding. I thought it would be easy and fun like college, finding a new concept about God and loving Him more, but God's relationships grow deeper and with more passion every year and some things you can get from a book.
I asked God to give me understanding, and He he replies with a resounding,"Yes!", but what I didn't know is to get this godly understanding I must walk through the field of experience and be subject to even the most brutal of machines to reshape who I am, what I am becoming and the way I see and do life. Because once my heart has felt and my world has encountered this understanding, and if I keep walking through it, I can't ever be the same. I am rethinking how much understanding and wisdom I actually would like to have. I am not sure how many more experiences I can take in life, but it is the experiences, the understanding, that reminds us that we are alive.
Live with the lost & searching,
talk to the forgotten,
listen to the confused,
have dinner with the lonely,
look at the over looked,
cry with the broken hearted,
hold hands with the "children" who were abused,
feel the warm tears that fall from the eyes of the unwanted and the disfigured
ce sont les manières de l'arrangement
---these are the ways of understanding
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
passion
It has been a long winter..but I almost saw the sun.
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
Monday, February 11, 2008
not today
I don't feel good today. I haven't been feeling good for some time now. I don't know if the stress in my life is making me physically sick, but lately I haven't felt well. My stomach hurts almost daily now and I get a migraine about once a week. I got one last night again. They suck more than anything. Thank God for my meds although they don't last forever.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
17 years and no introduction
I just read one of the saddest letters. I received it from my brother yesterday. My sister has started a conversation with us about our parents death. Specifically my mother. Both of my parents were tragically killed when I had just turned 19. My brother was 16, my sister 27. Their birthdays are in October so they weren't their year older yet. My sister contemplating life and battling depression has realized she misses and needs my mom. A hole that will never be filled. My brother in turn has communicated his hurts of how much he missed out on without parents. "I've lived more of a life without them then with them. I've never introduced them to a girlfriend or had an adult conversation with them. They never knew me.". Both letters were heart breaking to me. I believe I have dealt with my parents death for the most part. I know I will always miss them and always need them, but I have been SO very lucky to have TONS of people surrounding me that have helped me through these times. My sister and brother are not as social and have had a harder time creating these worlds. Maybe it's not about being social, maybe it was just luck. My brother reminds me in his letter that although things might seem depressing right now, they will change. They always do. He is right. My life has changed so much in the past 10 years. Not better, not worse, just changed. I have realized although the place where you are now might seem like the worst hell you could possibly be in, there could always be something worse, so be careful what you proclaim.
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
daily subject: food
What do you eat that is healthy? What kinds of foods did you eat growing up? What diet are you on now? What do you think healthy eating is?
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
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