Life in 2017

Tick tock...tick tock...tick tock...

The story of my life revolving around time.

Since I've had Asher, my time has been divided into small increments:
10 min for showering.
15 min to make breakfast and get Asher up.
20 min drive Asher to daycare/preschool.
30 min drive to work.
4 hours work.
30 min drive home.
3 1/2 hours more work.
30 min make dinner.
1 hour play with Asher.
30 min bath time.
30 min book reading and prayers.
1 hour to recuperate and get ready for the next day.
Over and over and over.

This year has been a season of learning, change, digging in deep, adjusting, starting over, mourning, cleaning up, forgetting and success.  At the beginning of the year I listened to a lesson that talked about how we need to take risks this year because the circumstances in life are unusual.  Meaning, so many strange things have happened in the world (Donald Trump, Brexit, crazy hurricanes and many unusual sports upsets) that possibly through all of this brokenness and unexpectedness God is setting us up for something amazing.

As soon as I heard that lesson, a series of events began to unfold in my life to push us to exhaustion and carry us farther from the goals we made in January. We had financial goals, then we had a plumbing issue that took most of our savings and caused us to use credit. Then work got crazy. Deadlines and pressure became a way of life for awhile as new programs were starting and new processes were being created and new people were being hired. Family issues. We were needing to step in to help take care of family members which resulted in many weekends away (most of the summer).  All of that has been emotionally and physically exhausting. But you don't stop, right? I mean, I could look at the past 9 months and dwell on how hard they have been and wonder why and how and if we could have done anything differently. Or we can accept what is done and move on to what is ahead trusting that the GREAT REDEEMER will do just that - REDEEM.

I'm not meaning to write about our position to get pity. I'm just expressing the pressing in and pressing on top of us that we've felt this year. It feels relentless. It feels impossible to cure. But I'm constantly reminded of God's willingness to step in to these types of situations and do something amazing.

One of our goals Drew and I talked about on our way home from Christmas last year was our family. We have always wanted more kids. We've waited again knowing that God's timing is good, and perfect, and right.  But we are still waiting.  We discussed the options that we feel like we have right now. Each option seems complicated and so we prayed and asked God which path we should walk. Although they are all scary, one gave us more peace so that's the path we are going to walk. We've decided to do in-vitro fertilization again. I realize all the questions that come with this decision, but again, this is the one where we feel the most peace, so here we go. We've also realized a few things about this decision.

1. I'm getting older every second.
2. It might not work.
3. It's expensive and we can't do it alone.

I've had several friends tell me we should do a Go-Fund Me to raise money for the procedure. My response is always, "who would give money to something that only has less than a 3% chance of working?".  In walks my cousin, Kate.  She's amazing.  I caught word that she was doing IVF and I started praying for their journey right away. She and her husband decided to do a Go-Fund Me and without thinking we donated.  I was like, "Of course we would donate to this!", and God just looked at me and smirked. You didn't know He could smirk? Well, He does it to me ALL the time. Cuz I'm pretty hard headed and self focused and so I've decided to let go. We are praying that God will provide and that He will send people to us to help with that. God is a big god.  No matter what the result, I will at least know we did what we felt led to do. And honestly, that's all that matters.

So here we are at the top of September hoping we would be doing treatments soon, and maybe we will. But God has to open those doors for us. I am believing Him to fill the bedrooms in our home with the children He desires us to have. No matter where this journey leads, we are walking it as fast or slow as He calls.

And so we ask you to prayerfully join us in this adventure.  Please ask God to give us strength, direction and wisdom as we fight to complete our family.  If you feel led to help us financially I believe God will bless that as well.  I have come to realize we can't do life alone. In each season we need one another through life's ups and downs.  I know God is good.  I know He has a plan.  I know He is smiling on our efforts and I know He's willing to meet us as we take another step towards Him.

If you would like to read more about the Go-Fund-Me please click this link:

https://www.gofundme.com/growinginlove

Here we go!

D, K and A

What's another 2 weeks?

It's Sunday, already almost one week down.  Drew's parents are here this weekend to celebrate Aunt Dorothy's birthday.  Even though the most exciting thing that happened was getting the car washed (besides the party), I'm so thankful they are here.  Having things to do is a good distraction for me.  And Aunt Dorothy's party last night was super fun.

I wanted to catch everyone up on what happened last week.  It's so cool how God shows up.

I went in on Monday for an ultrasound.  I had 2 good sized follicles and a couple of smaller ones, meaning I should have at least 2 good eggs to release.  So they told me to go home and take the HCG trigger shot.  Drew came home early to give it to me and that began our crazy work week.  We went in the next morning for our first IUI.  For whatever reason the wait was long that morning.  Drew finally was able to have his appointment and then we waited again.  During that time, they take the sperm sample and "washing" it.  They do a clean wash on them meaning they spin the specimen and get out all the extra fluids so what's left are the very best sperm.  They usually then take a sample of that and look at it under a microscope.  This is how they determine how many sperm are in the count, the mobility etc.  So at this dr. office they allow us to go back in the lab and look at that sample.  So on Tuesday they came out to get us when it was ready.  The technician said, "I'm excited to show you this.  Most couples wouldn't understand this, but I think you guys will think it's cool".   So she let us look at the sample, (which is always AMAZING) but this time when she created the sample, an air bubble got caught in it.  When I looked in the microscope I saw very excited sperm trying to get into the air bubble!  This is super cool because it means they thought that bubble was an egg and they were really to try to get into it!  I can't express what it did for my soul to see that.  One of my biggest fears is that the sperm don't know what to do when they get to the egg.  But God showed me DIRECTLY that they know exactly what they are doing.  They are doing what God created them to do! It was a huge blessing.  So we did the IUI and then I went home to rest and do a little work.

We decided to do 2 IUI's so we went in Wednesday morning for our second one.  I wasn't feeling too confident that it would actually happen because our numbers were a bit low on Tuesday and the second sample is always much lower than the first.  So Drew's appointment arrived and then we waited for the wash to finish.  The technician wasn't there that day, so the head nurse did the wash instead.  She came to get us and said, "I want to show you something.  As I was washing your sperm I was praying, 'Please God, let this be a good sample, please God let it be good for them', then I put the sample under the microscope and look what I saw! I think it's a better sample then yesterday!" WHAT?!?!?  When we looked we saw several sperm swimming like crazy! They were full of energy and ready to go! Ok - lets talk medical personnel these days. ... seriously though, when have I EVER known a doctor or a nurse to tell me they were PRAYING over us???  And not only that, but praying over the very sperm that will be used by God to create! I was totally humbled and in awe of what God was doing.  We did the second IUI full of hope and expectation.  God is so good!

So again, we are now in our waiting field.  But, most of what we do is wait.  It has for sure been a theme in my life.  Waiting, pursuing, achieving, waiting, more waiting...But that's ok.  Cuz I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

This week Drew goes to California for his last residential.  He has to defend his concept paper for his dissertation.  Please keep him in your prayers as he's pretty nervous! I know he will do great.  God made him for this moment.  I'm so proud of him! Asher and I will be going to Grand Rapids to spend time with Papa and Lala.  I love going over there as it feels like vacation to me. :)  I only wish Drew would be with us as we will be ending the 2 week wait and I'm sure that's about the time I will be nervous.  One of the things that my nurse changed this time around is she's having me take progesterone during the 2 week wait.  She wanted to make sure my levels were good etc. but the only negative aspect of that is if we were to test for pregnancy we could get a false positive.  So now I will for certain not be able to take a home test.  We will have to wait to see what the blood test shows.  I'm not sure when I will be making that appointment.  For now, I"m just taking it one day at a time.  Either way, I know God is good and He has our best interest in mind.  He knows what He's doing.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our journey to family!  We are a bit weary, but also excited to see what God has in store for us.  9 days to go!

3 days...

It's strange to write a blog post about the same thing over and over again, but I guess that's what the persistent widow felt like.  Constantly petitioning God for her hearts desire.  Hoping in expectation that He would not only hear her, but agree that the time has come.  I want His time.  His Kingdom.  I want to be on His path. Have His heart.  This month has been a hard one. 

2 weeks ago we discovered that a friend of mine is missing.  Like, she was there, and then she wasn't.  Sierra Shields lived underneath us when we first moved into our apartment.  She's really a friend of a lot of my friends, but the thing about her is, if you meet her, you're her friend.  She's kind and loving and wonderfully full of God's grace.  She has a heart for the lost and hungry and lonely and afraid.  Which is why this "case" is so challenging.  She seemed off one morning and she went to work, quit her job as a flight attendant and then walked out of the airport never to be seen again.  I don't understand how that is possible these days.  In a world of camera's everywhere SOMEONE must have seen her.  They must have taken a selfie with her in the background and they just don't see it yet.  Someone must know where she is.  Even though I was never close to her, it hit me really hard that she's missing.  I can't imagine (nor do I ever want to - family and friends be listening) going through something like that.  And the worst part is we can't do anything about it.  We just keep praying and sharing her info with people in hopes that someone will come forward with information.  God bless her wherever she may be.  And let her come back quickly. 

This week our beloved bunny Ajax passed away.  Ajax and I have had a love/hate relationship.  He was super cute and I loved him, yet taking care of him was always difficult for us since we traveled so much.  And, honestly, he needed a lot of attention that many times we couldn't give him.  So then I felt guilty for not playing with him as much as we should etc.  We tried finding a better home for him several times, but I guess he was meant to stay with us.  I woke up  2 nights ago to a loud noise which was Ajax thumping out of his cage after going to the bathroom.  I literally gasped as I sat up in bed.  Drew woke as well and told me it was just Ajax and to go back to sleep.  But then Drew got out of bed.  We hear that thumping noise all the time, so I'm not sure why Drew thought to check on Ajax that night, but I'm glad he did.  Ajax's breathing was shallow and I asked Drew what was going on and he said, "I think he's dying".  Drew held him while he took his last breaths.  Then I cried.  And cried.  And cried. So hard.  Like the ugly face cry.  I couldn't stop and even after it was all over I couldn't fall asleep.  It was so sad.  Granted, I don't deal well with change and I certainly hate when a living thing dies.  Especially when he was a part of the family.  So this week we lay him to rest in our gracious families back yard.  So much sickness and struggle and death this month.  Those are just a few things, there are many, many more. 

A glimmer of hope. 

In the midst of darkness...but God.  

We were not supposed to do a fertility cycle this month, but the opportunity came and we decided to jump in.  We started our meds last week and shots this week and are thinking the IUI will be either Monday or Tuesday.  My appointment this morning showed I'm not yet ovulating, but they aren't sure when I'm going to.  So I'm praying I don't ovulate over the weekend so we don't miss our window.  It's kind of an expensive window. And our last expensive window. So please join us in prayer that God's timing is perfect.  I'm really praying that God moves.  That He brings a baby in the midst of a storm.  That redemption can be just around the corner.  In Asher's bible that we read together the last story says this: 

When Jesus died, his followers felt sad and all alone.
They placed his body in a tomb and closed it with a stone.
On Sunday several women came; The stone was rolled away!
"He is risen," the angel said, On that very first Easter Day!

And after reading it I sing to him: 

On Friday night they crucified the Lord at Calvary
But He said don't fret because in three days I'm gonna live again, you're gonna see
So when problems try to bury you (6 feet deep) and make it hard for you to pray
May seem like that Friday night, but Sunday's on the way  - Take 6

Asher really, really, really, likes it when I sing that.  He won't even read any other story now, he wants to hear the song.  To be honestly, I want to hear the song too.  I want to know that when problems start to bury us, and they make it so hard to know what or how to pray, I have to remember that it may seem like that Friday night or in my daily life, or every hour....but Sunday, the day of REDEMPTION, the day full of LIFE, the day of HOPE FULFILLED, the day of LAUGHTER, the day of RIGHTEOUSNESS, the day where it all makes sense and HIS presence is DEEPLY known and felt...THAT Sunday is on the way.....

Millions of Prayers

I'm sitting on my couch feeling incredibly blessed.  We had our second appointment today and this month we were able to do both IUI's.  I thought we would though, last month was weird.  So the bottom line is we have 1.5 million chances to conceive with 4 really really good eggs.  :) That's a good thing!  This is the most we've ever had so we are feeling good about that.  Now we pray that the sperm can swim the 6 inches to find the eggs that are waiting for them.  And we wait 2 weeks as ovulation takes place and hopefully embryo's are created and embedded.

Here's Drew checking out our best swimmers!

there are microscopic sperm in there! 

DETAILS:

I know several of you were asking the difference between InVitro (the procedure we did last time to get Asher) and IUI (the procedure with are doing this time.  Well, the biggest difference is the price, IVF is over $10,000 and IUI is more between $200-700 depending on the drugs we use.  The technical differences are:

IVF - the woman takes meds to increase eggs and egg quality and then those eggs are REMOVED and placed in a dish.  The sperm sample is then placed in that same dish and 2 things can happen.  They either allow the sperm to work their way into the eggs, OR they take one sperm and they inject them into the egg (to ensure fertilization).  Then they allow the embroys to grow for 3-5 days.  Once they are at a certain cell stage, 3 embroys are placed back into the uterus in hopes that they attach to the wall.  Then, voila - a baby!

IUI - the woman takes meds to increase eggs and egg quality and then a shot is taken to start ovulation.  The next day a sperm sample is given and spun and the best sperm are collected and inserted into the uterus in hopes that they can swim and find the egg, enter the egg and then create an embryo.  Then we hope it implants and viola - a baby!

In both cases egg increase and quality betters our chances and in both cases there's much prayer. Also in both there is a wait of 2 weeks after the procedure to find out if it worked.  That is by far the worst of it.

Here are a couple of videos that I found that explain what has to happen in order for pregnancy to occur.  After watching these you will 1. believe in God and 2. wonder how anyone gets pregnant.

Praying for this to happen:



This is the entire process without fertility assistance.  Ours were inserted into the uterus so we skipped the first section of this video:

https://youtu.be/BFrVmDgh4v4

(you have to go to youtube. sorry, this video wouldn't let me embed it)

These videos are amazing.  Conception really is an unbelievable thing.

It's hard as it's been a long week of work and scheduling and fighting and longing.  As I sit here and write I feel exhausted.  Asher just went down for a nap and I will too shortly.  We have a fun but busy weekend and I hope for the next 2 weeks I can just shut off my brain.  I honestly feel more depressed than I have in a long time.  Mostly because this process is frustrating and I feel like I have to settle my brain in the chance that Asher might be an only child.  I never wanted that, and I know that if that is what happens, it will be ok.  I guess it's just hard when your childhood dreams come to an end.  It's sad, because most movies don't end this way.  Life isn't a hallmark movie.

A good man from our church died last night.  He was an icon at our church.  He was always smiling and dancing in the isle and everyone who goes there knows who he is.  He was full of life and passion and drive.  He was funny and frisky in love with his wife.  He prayed like he meant it and believed as if it was.  He was one of the most amazing examples of a Jesus lover that I've ever seen.  I know I looked up to him, and I know many others did too. I know he's still dancing, but I will miss him and will be forever grateful for his example in my life.

I also found out my Aunt Deloris died yesterday.  She was my mom's aunt so I wasn't super close to her. But knowing that my mom was close to her makes me sad.  She was the one great aunt that we would visit when I was young.  She was always so kind and although I didn't know her well, it takes my breath away a little bit when I remember how quickly life is going.

It's so strange to know that while life is leaving this earth, Drew and I are trying to bring it.  The beginning and the end.  The seasons speak to this well.  My dr. said an unusual amount of women are ovulating this halloween weekend, so the office was very busy this morning.  It's interesting how many things there are that we don't understand about life.  Knowing there is an almighty God who is ALL knowing, ALL righteous and ALL loving is what I cling to.  So we press on into the next 2 weeks mustering all the hope I can.  Knowing that all the odds are against us.  And believing that God is able.

Round 2 - ding!

It's Tuesday and I've been taking injections for the IUI since last Friday.  I took my first injection and then went on an all night trip with 900 jr. high students.  All night meaning, stay up all night. .  . FUN! (it really was fun).  My pills ran out on schedule a few days ago, so it's just one more shot tonight and then I'm done with those.  Maybe forever?

I had an early ultrasound this morning to find out when and if we were doing a treatment this month. Today is day 10.  Meaning the 10th day of my cycle.  So I figured if we DID do a cycle this month, we would inseminate this week sometime.  And we are!

Dr. B said everything looks great! Ok - what he actually said was, "I'm really pleased with what I see.  It looks great for, dare I say...someone your age?".  WHATEVER! But I guess I know what he means.  So that being said, we are moving forward with our treatment this week.  Thursday and Friday morning we will be getting inseminated.

I'm having a hard time not feeling depressed a little.  I mean, it's SO hard to come off of a failed IUI or a failed anything and jump right back in to try again.  I think it wouldn't have been that bad, but I really thought last months was going to work.  Maybe I was naive, but it seemed like the stars were aligning.  I don't ever question God or His ways.  I don't claim to know anything close to what He knows.  I don't even ask to understand sometimes because I know that's impossible.  I just try to find my place of contentment and peace so I can move forward.  I don't deal well with change.  I need time to process to think things through.  But I'm 43 and I don't have time.  I've never had time when its come to this subject.  So - here we are, trying again.  I believe God.  I believe what He says is true.  I know He has more for us.

As I sit and play with Asher I just marvel at the fact that he is ours.  I just can't believe it.  I know it will be equally as hard to believe when God does it again.

It's personal.  It's deep.  It's intertwined into my dna.  This love and yearning to fill a gap that still lays open.  Ah yes, Asher has filled some of it, but there's more.  I walk the balance again of Hope and disappointment.  Don't Hope too much.  Don't ignore Hope too much.  I wish there was a magic pill or combination that makes all things possible.  But that is like asking God "why" about any subject. That question will not be answered.  My energy is better used somewhere else.  Some days I feel so selfish.

Did I mention that my dr. told me he once took out 62 eggs out of a woman who was 40! SIXTY TWO! She did IVF and all 3 of her embryos implanted.  She only ended up having twins.  And then a few years later she got a divorce.  She's now remarried and still has 18 frozen embryos.  He said that was a long time ago.  But it's strange how each story is so different.  So unique.  So crazy.  Seriously, that's crazy.

Anyway, this post is a bit random, but that's kinda how my brain is right now.  Random things keep popping in my head.  I even forgot to make the appointment for this morning which is why my appointment was at 6:15am.  No, that's not a typo.  So here's praying to a successful transfer this week and to an even more successful implantation next week.

Chin up! Eyes focused! We will prevail! Thank you for praying and walking with us.  I will keep you updated!

Try, try again

One good or bad thing about this fertility game is you don't have much time to think about how you feel cuz you're right at the beginning of a new cycle.  New cycle.  New Hope.  New Day.  

I went in this morning for an ultrasound to start the next cycle.  Everything looks great! She found 7 follicles on one side and 2 on the other.  That's pretty good for me.  Last month was 6 and 6.  August was 2 and 2 (not so good).  She said every month the numbers vary.  The body is amazing.  She saw my cyst and said she had a few when she was younger as well.  She told me they are actually genetic and inherited (which I didn't know).  Then she said, (without missing a beat and stated matter of factly) "When you have your daughter, make sure you get her tested when she's old enough".  "Um...I will", I said.  I'm not sure what she said after that cuz, um, WHAT?  Here we go....

I start my normal meds tonight to help produce as many eggs as we can.  We decided to get more aggressive with our treatment this round and we will be taking injectables to help the eggs grow as well.  Last month we only had 1 mature egg out of 12.  Injectables help with that.  The shots start on Friday.  

I have a head cold so I feel a bit out of it the past 2 days, and although I'm sad, I'm feeling my strength resurface as we move forward to this next round.  I told Drew I remember the first IUI we did 5 years ago and when that failed I almost didn't care about the next one.  I had no hope at all. And that one failed too.  I want to have Hope.  I want to believe that even though God didn't, God could this time.  I know that's possible.  I know His timing is perfect.  So one day at a time we move forward.  Believing.  

Day 1 - start of period

Day 3 - ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok.  Start meds. 

Day 6 - start injectables.

Day 10 - another ultrasound check up

Day 11-14 Possible HGC shot to start ovulation

Day 15ish - IUI

Day 16 - be tortured for 2 weeks.  

Positive about being Negative

Not Pregnant.

That's the bottom line.  I took a home test on Wednesday and although I hadn't started my period I had a feeling that meant we were not pregnant for sure.  I hadn't started by Friday so I took another test and it was still negative.  So I had a pretty good idea that we were not pregnant.  I had my blood test today and just got word that indeed, we are not pregnant this month.

I'm sad, but I get it.  I know nothing is easy. I know sometimes things work for you and sometimes they don't.  I know there's not a magical calculation filled with pineapple and prophecy to make every effort a success.  I know that God is good.  I know that He doesn't always give me what I want.  He doesn't always give me what I deserve (thank God!).  He always allows what is right.  I've written plenty of these emails expressing God's goodness in times of "trial" or mis-understanding.  But to me, even though the bottom line is not pregnant this time, the real bottom line is that God is always Right.  God makes the BEST stories, and although this one seems to have taken a strange turn, I know God.  He's not done, and I trust that He knows what He's doing.

I'm so thankful and truly blessed to know all of you out there are praying for us and our family.  I really do believe God has more children for us and I also believe I couldn't do this without all the prayers.  This world of infertility is insane.  The heart for children that God put inside of me seems desperate at times.  But I know if it's meant to be, then He will make it be.

We are planning on doing another cycle.  (Remember how I said it was insane? yes. )  What that means is as soon as my period starts, which should be any day now, we will go back on medication and start the process all over again.  Please pray that God will once again show favor on us.

We are off to worship tonight.  It will feel good to just sit and be in God's presence and be reminded of how good He is and be reminded of His good works.

We love you!

-kat

The Blessing Game

I know everyone is talking about the Michigan vs. Michigan State game that's coming up.  People are crazy about that around here.  But this past week I've been having my own little game that feels just as emotionally charged as the football fans. It's called: Bloated or Baby?

You see during the 2 week wait when people are trying to get pregnant, your mind goes to a million places.  This is almost like the dark zone - you know, like in those movies when the space shuttle sees it's last glimpse of earth and sun and it's on the other side of the moon in darkness and silence for so many hours and everyone goes crazy until they see the sun again..yeah, kinda like that.  It's sort of like you're trying to live normally, but you can't help but every second of the day pray that God will bless you.  Well, He IS blessing me (more than I could ever imagine), but blessing me with my hearts desire for a full heart and a full home.

So today I write an update of my Bloated or Baby game.  Just a few notes of things I've been feeling and the games that I (and probably a lot of women who have done this) play while during the 2 week wait.

Sunday October 4

I receive the sweetest text from my friend Suzanne with this picture...she said, "for whenever thoughts of doubt and defeat start looming...

Later that afternoon I got a text from another friend (who does NOT know Suzanne) and all she text me was...

but God

She said when she prays for us, this is what comes out.

Hmmmm.... interesting..

Tuesday Oct. 6th 

Thankful I get to work from home today as I don't feel the greatest.  I feel very tired and I have cramping.  Wait..is it embryo's implanting? Or just that Mexican I ate?  :/

Wednesday Oct. 7th

Went to the chiropractor today.  I had to tell him about our treatment.  He asked me if it was the kind that could cause multiple pregnancy.  I said, "Well, I guess it could, idk!" **Note to self: try not to think about multiple pregnancies. 

Thursday Oct. 8th

Tired again today.  More cramping.  Super glad I'm at home today as I can work in comfort.  Wait..do my boobs hurt? Could it be...hmmm...baby or period coming soon. 

Friday Oct. 9th

Boobs don't hurt, must have been a fluke.  Leaving to drive to Grand Rapids to spend time with the Grands.  Hoping to get some rest and distractions.  Drew is at a men's conference so I'm traveling alone.  Wish I could sleep all the way there like Asher.  Gonna need coffee.  Crap - caffeine or no caffeine? grrrrrrrrrrrrr.....
Arrive in time for dinner.  "Would you like a glass of wine?"  Um YES! But um no thanks.... #worthit 

Asher wakes around 10pm and I have to rock him.  Feeling sentimental about how much he's grown and not a baby anymore.  Emotional cuz of hormones raging? Or just regular Kat emotion? hmmmmm

Saturday Oct. 10th

Had a dream that I started my period, but I was like, ok - well, whatever.  Moving on.  A sign? Or just a dream?  

Coffee tastes horrible.  WHAT? That's what happened the last time I was pregnant.  hmmm..but wait..did I put almond milk in that? I never like how that tastes.  Gonna drink a little anyway.   

"Mama up!" as I pick up my 40 pound son.  Wait - should I be lifting things that heavy? Probably no worse than when he kicks me in the gut as I change his diaper.  (***note to self: potty train soon) Either way, it shouldn't matter.  I'm a normal person! LOL! I just think I need special treatment sometimes,  don't want to screw anything up.  Wait, can I screw it up? 

Sunday Oct. 11th

Enjoy the morning with family and friends.  Try not to think about the last time we were at this house (Drew's parents) when we did treatments and how we were pregnant with Asher and didn't know it.

Drive home.  Get sick from too much sugar in a Pumpkin Spice Latte.  Go to lead a 6th grade girl small group where they want to teach me how to do this dance:

Should I be dancing? (Refer back to the screw it up questions above) Have lots of fun and drive home to put Asher to bed and catch up with Drew.  We are both dreaming a lot lately.  

Received an amazing package of pictures from my Aunt Mave.  I finally had time to open it to find this picture on top:  

It just happens to be a picture of Drew and I the weekend we were at his parents when we were pregnant and didn't know it.   whaaaaaaaaa????  

Monday Oct. 12th 

Woke up in the middle of the night to pee. (never happens) Pregnant? Or just Pee-nant?
Had lots of energy when I got up.  Super thirsty for water (which if I'm honest I don't drink much but I was constantly thirsty for ice cold water when I was pregnant with Asher).  Pregnant? Or just dehydrated?
Every ( and I do mean EVERY) time I go to the bathroom I wonder if this is it.  It's a strange thing to have to pray to God and remind yourself that you trust Him before you use the restroom.  Try it, you will see how annoying it is.  

So here we are 1/2 way through our 2 week wait.  Doesn't it sound like a lot of fun? Well, for sure it has been SUPER cool to see God moving and showing up and speaking to me through all these crazy ways.  But I do wish people didn't have to wait so long to get results.  I know for some it's torturous. Dealing with fertility issues is so painful and holding your breath for 2 weeks is insane.  But thousands of women do it every month because they feel a yearning, a calling deep within them to love.  To share love.  To be loved.  Bless them Lord!  

I'm so thankful to feel loved.  And a child has nothing to do with that love.  God has been so gracious to me.  So kind.  He took a moment to glance my way and I will never be the same.  But the cool thing about Him is, it's never once.  It's never one glance.  It's one amazing moment after the next with Him.  And we never know where we might find him.  He's everywhere just waiting to be recognized.  He is.  He was. And He always will be.  I can understand why the Hebrews would call him YHWH which means I Am.  No beginning, no end.  Just foreverness.  

So the 2 week wait is full.  It's full of questioning, it's full of laughter, it's full of family and friends, it's full of Love and it's full of God.  I guess the 2 week wait really isn't that bad after all.    

But God...

Last night and this morning I haven't felt the best.  Not sick like I'm pregnant, but sick like I'm going to start my period soon.  I keep telling myself I'm ok either way, that God is with me and He knows what we need and the perfect timing is in His hands etc.  And I do believe all those things.  But when Asher wakes me up at 5am, it's hard not to be emotional.  But God..

I'm sitting here working and I get an email. My precious friend Molly sent me her devotional for today.  It says: 

Have you ever felt backed into a corner, with the odds stacked against you? In situations like that, Christians too often refuse to acknowledge an important truth. That is, they fail to recognize that God may actually be orchestrating their challenging circumstances.
You may think, No way. God protects me from such things. The world and Satan are doing this to me. Perhaps. Yet maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell you something—and He first needs to get your attention.
Time and again in Scripture, we see that the Lord uses difficulties to build our faith. It’s easy to trust Him when things go our way. However, God often removes comforts and false securities from our lives to remind us that He is the true source of our strength.
Consider today’s passage, in which Gideon was ready to lead a powerful militia of 32,000 men into battle against the enemy. However, the Lord stepped into the situation two different times, whittling the Israelite army down to less than one percent of its original size. We may have replied, “What? It’s impossible to defeat enemy forces with just 300 men!” That’s probably true; 300 men alone couldn’t do it. But the Lord could.
When the odds are not in your favor, don’t think that God has abandoned you. Your money, your success, and even people you thought were friends may disappear, but those wouldn’t win the battle anyway. Stand your ground and stay focused on the Lord. With everything else stripped away, you’ll be amazed at what your heavenly Father will achieve.
Judges 7:1-7

I couldn't even finish reading it before I burst into tears.  Not because I needed this reminder, I already know God is putting this scripture on us at this time in our lives.  I'm crying because God, in His deity, in His Almighty-ness, in His Greatness, in all His Creative Being-ness, with a world full of War and Killing and Homeless and Dying, He heard me...little me who didn't utter a word to anyone about my heart this morning.  He heard my heart.  He heard my doubt.  He heard my cry for love.  His love.  And He took the time to glance at me.  Overcome.  Overwhelmed.  Overflowed by His Love, for me. In this moment.  At this time in history.  He is so so so very good.  I love Him so. 

A day to think....

Do you ever have those mornings where everything seems to go too good?  Well, this morning was one of those mornings.  I felt happy and like everything was going too good.  I wasn't worried though.  I knew God had a plan.  We got in the car and it was on E.  There we go...now it's back to normal.  ;)  We were running a bit behind for our appointment and when we turned onto the road we were directed to drive through the fire station parking lot.  We had no idea what was going on and then we got stuck behind a truck that had the back open.  Men in bright yellow suits coats were unloading a trunk full of old paint.  We looked at each other like, "what is going on?".  I guess they were having a get rid of your old toxic stuff day and we got stuck in the middle of it.  JOY!

We finally made it to our appointment and after drew's appointment was over we walked to the coffee shop, rested for a bit and then walked back to the doctors office.  When we got there we were called back to the lab.  They told us our numbers were too low to do the IUI.  And on top of that there was hardly any movement.  So they didn't feel it was worth it to try today.  So we walked out feeling a little sad but reminding ourselves of yesterday and also of the story of Gideon again.  Once God gave him the order to only use 300 soldiers, Gideon divided them up into 3 groups to surround the army they were fighting against.  They made a loud noise and broke their lamps and the camp of thousands turned on themselves and died.  (That the short version) Drew and I reminded each other that God is faithful no matter what.  That He on purpose creates very small odds.  And that we shouldn't be fearful of that.  He is faithful and Good no matter what.

What's next?

So I go in on Thursday for a blood test to check my progesterone levels.  If they are normal we do nothing, if not normal they will give me some meds to help with that.  I'm expecting it to be normal though.  Today begins our 2 week wait.  So basically we are just waiting and praying that God is doing something amazing.  I tried to rest a bit today but I also got out a bit.  Tonight I'm resting and honestly not feeling the best physically.  I think I'm just tired and sore from the procedure.  So now we pray.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us.   I will try to update sometimes this week.  God is faithful.  He is good.  And He is able.

Gots the Giggles

So, wow, what an amazing day!

It started off with us heading to the doctors office but before I even got in the car I looked down and saw this:

Which of course made me smile and feel a lot of Peace about the day.  

**Disclaimer: the rest of this blog post is about sperm and IUI and if you don't want to read that part just know it went well and we go again tomorrow! :) 

We arrived on time (which isn't my norm) and Drew's appointment went well.  Drew forgot his computer and my appointment was an hour after his so once he was done we drove to work to get his computer and then got back with time to spare for my appointment.  They called us back and took us right to the lab.  The technician was super nice and told us the numbers for the sperm count weren't as high as she had hoped for, but the mobility was awesome!  And then she asked us if we wanted to see them.  Um..WHAT? You mean like REALLY SEE THEM? Uh - ok.  So she let us look through a microscope and watch them swimming around!  Oh. My. Word.  All I can say is that God is AMAZING! I mean seriously, the fact that we can actually SEE something that small and then determine which ones are the BEST ones and use only those to try to impregnate me is sort of mind blowing.  The bottom line of the day was that 1/2 a million were good and that's what we used.  Now to put it in perspective for some, I asked her what a "normal" number is and she said 5 million.  We've never seen that number, BUT - we also know God is so good and PA-LEASE, half a million? Thats a lot.  PLUS we are going back tomorrow for another insemination, so there will actually be more than that.  The other part that we are really praying about is our eggs.  After talking with the Doctor she informed me that we really only had ONE good follicle and the rest were just ok.  They didn't do an ultrasound today though, so we really have no idea how many eggs were released.  So we are praying for many so the sperm have multiple chances to reach one.  This is all very exciting. 

So after seeing OUR sperm swimming (CRAZY!) we got prepared for the actual procedure.  We were all ready and then the doctor told Drew that once the catheter was in, he could actually push the syringe to put them in me!!! We were both like....  Whaaaaa???? We've done this procedure several years ago with another Doctors office and didn't get half the amazing attention we get here.  These guys really are great.  She had some trouble setting things up so I was feeling pretty uncomfortable, but when the time came she looked at Drew and he stood up and I felt an overwhelming emotion of LAUGHTER!  This has happened to me a few other times in my life, and it's like God's Spirit of Joy falls on me and I start laughing uncontrollably and don't know why.  So as he's coming over and getting ready to "release" them, he looks at me and makes a "look what I get to do" face and I almost can't stand it. I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I was obviously trying to hold still, but I couldn't stop laughing for at least 3 min after.  I had to apologize to the doctor cuz there was no reason I should be laughing but I just felt an overwhelming Joy in that moment.  It was crazy.  

So we had to wait about 15 min and then we could leave.  As we were leaving we discovered that this procedure might possibly be covered by our insurance!!!  I had NO idea and had planned on it being all out of pocket.  So we are praying that they cover even some of it, that is such a HUGE blessing!  We left feeling so blessed.   Oh and I of course got a reward for all that hard work, and once I got home I took some time to just take it easy and rest.   

Also: 

Yesterday when I went to get my ultrasound to see how many follicles we had the technician took some pics and one of them was of the cyst that I have.  I asked her if she could print that one out for me.  I'm not sure what God is saying, but once again, He is amazing. 

Tonight we have our family/friends the Bystroms here.  We were supposed to go camping this weekend but sometimes things just work out different.  They were super understanding and I'm super blessed that they decided to come hang with us for the weekend.  Tomorrow is another fun day in the life of the Smiths!  I will try to blog again soon.  Thank you for praying for us, it means the world to us.

2 shots before bed

What a day!  I had my appointment this morning with the doctor and it went well!  The ultrasound tech found 2 mature follicles and 1 almost and 2 slower ones.  Meaning they want the most mature as possible and so they were trying to figure out when to have me ovulate.  Dr. B was in surgery so he wasn't able to say what he wanted.  They took blood work to check my levels and find out if I'm starting to ovulate, and then my favorite nurse Patti gave me a shot of meds to help mature the slow growing follicles.  I forgot how much those shots hurt.  The shot didn't hurt, but the burning wasn't fun.  Anyway, I made Patti give it to me and she decided my HCG shot should probably happen tonight. (this is what will make me ovulate) but she wanted to check my levels (blood work) first.

SO - Patti called me this afternoon and my levels were good!  So Drew just gave me the trigger HCG shot (I didn't even feel it!) and tomorrow we will go in at 10 for the procedure.  EEK!  We decided to do a second insemination on Saturday to up our chances so that one is on Saturday morning.  So please keep us in your prayers the next several days!

I will try to write more tomorrow.  :)

nerves of tears

Have you ever been so nervous that you can't help but cry?  It's a strange feeling actually.  It's where nervous almost crosses over into fear and confusion.  And once you get there, it's not a good sight.  For some reason I feel that tonight.  I feel nervous.  I feel scared and emotional.  Just the thought of writing this post made me cry.  It's so strange.  I didn't think I was nervous.  I didn't think I was becoming emotionally tied to another fertility treatment.  When I hold Asher I feel complete and secure.  I know God has blessed us.  Everyday I have a tiny fear that something might happen to Asher.  But like anyone that I deeply love, I have to remember we are all in God's hands.  We are all from Him and we will all see Him again one day.  Some fears are just here to torment us.  And so I try to cast them away.

Tomorrow I go to the Dr. for an ultrasound.  They will determine if my eggs are growing at a good pace and when I will receive my HCG shot to begin ovulation.  I could even get it tomorrow.  The shot hurts.  Although I must admit last time they all warned me about it and it didn't really hurt that much.  Not compared to the others.  But I have a feeling that I will be getting this one at the office and so I might not get the ice job I got at home a few years back.  We will see!  I AM excited despite my nervous feeling for our future.

It's been a long week.  Work has been overly busy and I haven't had any time to think about what's going on in my body, let alone prepare for what's coming.  Drew has been busy too and Asher got sick, so between all of that I just need a moment.  I need a moment to process what is happening.  I don't want to miss anything.  As I sat and played with Asher tonight I just realized how blessed I am.  He's so funny, and has such a fun personality.  As I left his room tonight he said, "I want mama...I want mama...".  That's his new way of getting me to come back to him.  It's a trap.  I know this.  But I also realize that I waited a long time for someone to say that to me.  And that he wont say that forever.  Time is never on our side.

I wonder what it would be like to have more children in my home.  To have to love more than one, or to have divided attention.  I look at Asher and can't imagine loving another as much as him.  But I know that's the amazing part of parenting.  God always increases our heart.  There's always more space and somehow it all works out.

He is able. He is good.

 Fertility is so hard.  You want to want it, but you can't want it too much cuz then if you don't get it you are devastated.  So if you just kinda want it then it doesn't hurt as bad.  But the trouble is you can't kinda want it.  My heart is sort of an 'all in' kinda heart.  But I must focus on the TRUTH that God is writing an amazing story for us.  Our story is already super cool, and I'm just asking Him to continue writing.

Fear is dumb, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to fear.  That God has allowed us to enter in with Him once again on this painful road is such a privilege.  Many don't get to feel this kind of pain.  This kind of love.  There is something truly amazing about how many aspects of God's love there is.

God is faithful.  He is with us.  He is near.  And when I rest in Him, all fear is gone.

Another step

Sometimes you have to just put one foot in front of the other and pray that while you're stepping out, God is leading.  Drew and I have prayed for our family for so long.  We are over the top excited for what God brought us (Asher) and are equally excited to see what's coming next.  We - Are - Ready.

MY UPDATE:

Since I last wrote, I had a few tests run on my not so happy cyst.  Results came back that it's the same cyst I've had for almost 10 years.  This is a good thing because that means it's slowly growing and I also had it during my pregnancy with Asher so everything looks as if the cyst is "normal".  My Dr. wants to eventually remove it, but he said because it's so close to my ovary and we aren't done adding to our family we will wait to remove it.  Yay!

So after all of those conversations he said we could do the next cycle.  WHOO HOO!  I tend to not get too excited in these things because MOST times there is a glitch and we don't go all the way through the treatment OR we do the treatment and the treatment doesn't work.  But we decided to move forward with a treatment (IUI) this month.  This means once my period starts (which this happened last week) I will be on meds to increase my egg count to give us the best chance for fertilization.  We have done 2 IUI's in the past.  They were both unsuccessful, but a few things are different this time.  First, we are with a different doctor who uses different medications etc.  Second, my doctor told me once a person has a baby the body resets and you can't treat the problem the same as before.  So this is really like trying a brand new treatment on my brand new baby making body.  I thought that was good to know!  But he didn't have a percentage for us, as IVF really is the best option for us.  So me knowing that IVF 3 years ago had a 3% chance of working, and this treatment we are doing this month is a lesser aggressive treatment, I'm guessing our odds are even smaller than that magical 3%.  But God...

But God created Asher on a 3% chance.

The truth is, God can do anything.  He can create a second child for us with no treatment.  He has an amazing plan for our family, just like He had for Asher.  Cuz I know He is good.  SO So good.  THAT'S the kind of God I serve.

All of last week God reminded me of this:

Early in the morning, Jerub-Baal (that is, Gideon) and all his men camped at the spring of Harod. The camp of Midian was north of them in the valley near the hill of Moreh. 2The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’ 3Now announce to the army, ‘Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.’ ” So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained.
4But the Lord said to Gideon, “There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will thin them out for you there. If I say, ‘This one shall go with you,’ he shall go; but if I say, ‘This one shall not go with you,’ he shall not go.”
5So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the Lord told him, “Separate those who lap the water with their tongues as a dog laps from those who kneel down to drink.” 6Three hundred of them drank from cupped hands, lapping like dogs. All the rest got down on their knees to drink.
7The Lord said to Gideon, “With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the others go home.” 8So Gideon sent the rest of the Israelites home but kept the three hundred, who took over the provisions and trumpets of the others.   JUDGES 7   

I would say that is a pretty low percentage for success.  Yet God CREATED this low percentage ON PURPOSE so that He could be recognized and glorified!  He is amazing!  I'm thankful for the Hope He provides to me through this story.

So here's the scoop about this week.  I took all my drugs last week and this Thursday I go to the doctor to see how many eggs I have and how they are growing.  If I'm ready to ovulate they will give me a HCG shot (same as when we did IVF) to start ovulation.  The insemination will happen either Friday or Saturday!  So I'm writing this to once again ask you to join us in prayer for our family.  We realize that God's perfect timing is TOTALLY worth it.  We are praying His timing for our family to increase is NOW.  That He once again can reach past the odds and create within us something from Himself.  It's the most amazing honor to take care of something God created just for you.  

I hope to be updating this again this weekend.  Feel free to comment or text or private message etc. Each of our stories are perfectly written!  Thank you for praying with us!

Oh the bumps

It's been far too long since I last posted here, but life has been very busy and tiring.  It's been a good summer, one filled with much joy and memories and love.  But we are tired.  Lots of traveling and we are thankful to have a few days at home.  Especially as we prepare for Asher's second birthday. UNbelievable.  Even after 2 years I can't believe Asher is ours.  And now, because of His goodness and compassion, we ask God for another.

"I knew everything falling in place was too easy, this road is always bumpy.  But still hurts when the bumps come."

I said that to a friend yesterday as I re-entered the world of infertility.  Last year Drew and I wanted to do a fertility treatment.  We couldn't as we were not healthy enough.  This year we were determined to try again.  I wasn't sure if this was the month or not so as we were driving up north this weekend we talked about it.  I knew if we were going to do a treatment it would fall around Asher's birthday party weekend and I didn't want to feel stressed etc.  but we would make that decision when I started my period.  While we were camping, it came and then we had a decision to make.  As I was walking back to camp I was praying asking God to show me the path we should take.  I don't want to do anything outside of His will for our lives. Even if it's hard.  So as I was walking and praying I was reminded of a scripture that Drew's cousin Janine wrote on our wipe board last month.  It was Isaiah 30:21.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  

So I prayed that God would show me the way clearly.  That I would hear his voice and know for sure if this is the month we were to do this treatment.  When I got back to camp, Asher ran up to me.  "mama!", he said.  But then he said this, "Doctor!"  I said, "um..what? Asher Doctor!" and he said, "No! Mama Doctor!"  and then ran off.  UM >>>> OK!  Ask for a clear sign, get a clear sign. 

On our way home I started a book called "The Best Yes".  It's pretty good and as I was reading it she was talking about how we need to stop and really hear what God is saying.  And what scripture did she reference? Isaiah 30:21.  God. Is. Good. 

So Monday I called and made an appointment.  Wednesday came and I went for my appointment.  It was actually fun in a way.  I loved seeing everyone and I really felt hope in the room, along with nervousness.  It's like there are so many spirits in that office.  Hopelessness, sadness, loneliness.  But I was feeling Joy.  I was feeling Peace.  I was feeling Hope.  So my appointment didn't go as I planned.  The tech found 2 cysts.  One was "normal" looking, and the other not so much.  So the assistant told me the doctor would review everything and call me the next day.  When he called, he asked me how I was feeling which is never good.  He told me he's not sure what the cyst is but he wants me to go on birth control to see if that shrinks it.  I have to get an MRI in 2 weeks...etc etc.  The bottom line is, no cycle this month.  

It was ok news but it's so strange how even if you don't get your hopes up, and even though you think you are content with where you are in life or how God is moving etc, your heart is still open.  And when something doesn't go as planned (which it rarely does) it is frustrating and just sad. I told drew I was ok, but I still felt like I was mourning and loss.  A loss of hope deferred.  And so our journey continues.  I don't know what God has for our family, but I know it's good.  Cuz it's always good.  And He is always faithful. 

A thankful heart

Tonight I write, with an extremely full and thankful heart.  Although I was hoping to know this week if a fertility treatment worked or not, God is not only with us, but He is listening.

We learned that we were not healthy enough to do the treatments we wanted to do (long story) this month, so we are taking 3 months to get back on track health wise (find new doctors, herbs, workouts, etc) and then try the treatment in March or April. It was a tough decision, but to use our resources wisely and give ourselves the best chance possible, we are waiting. It's such a strange thing to enter back into the world of waiting.  I kinda thought that world was gone for me.  I kinda thought my heart would be settled and content now that we have Asher and that I would never feel the heartache of infertility again.  When I was slapped in the face with the reality that we are getting back on the infertility train, it was sickening.  Meaning I have a sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to go to bed and cry because, well, here we are again fighting for our family.  But I'm realizing that is what we do anyway.  It doesn't matter if you are fighting to GET your kids, or if you're fighting for their health, or rights, or education, or protection it seems like you are always fighting.  And that's ok, cuz I would do anything for Asher and I know I would do anything for our promised kids too.  It's the unknown that is hard.  Knowing we can't do what we did before (IVF) and even if we could I don't know if it would work.  I guess if it was free, we might try it again, because why not? But, considering my odds were 3% before, what are the odds that it would work twice?!?!?!  Anyway, my heart is all over when it comes to this, but I know God is faithful.  I know it. And He reminds me in little things like what happened tonight.

My local library puts on a special event (for free) every year called "The Polar Express Experience".  Only 1500 people can attend so I got online early the day of registration and registered all 3 of us. I was SUPER excited when we got tickets! We arrived and waited in a huge line that went around the library.

They had carolers outside and the kids could run around so the time went by pretty fast.  Inside they had several stations.  You could 1. See Santa, 2. Write him a letter, 3. Do fun games for Elf training so you could be an official Elf (and get the ribbon to prove it), 4. Make reindeer food, 5. Do 5 different crafts, 6. listen to more carolers, 7. listen to a hand bell concert, 8. Hear a conductor read Polar Express and receive a bell when you're done, 9. Frost a Christmas cookie.........

10. Ride in a trolly through downtown Rochester that is all lit up with Christmas lights.  If you haven't seen it, it's amazing.  As we were getting in the long line for the Trolly we were informed that after waiting 10-15 min we wouldn't be in the trolly but in a bus. BOOOOOO....I wasn't happy. I wanted the trolly.  waaaaaaaaaaa.... So I said, "God, please let us get the trolly.  Change everything so Asher can have that experience".  (Asher watches Daniel Tiger who always goes places in the trolly and every time I told him we were going in one he would giggle).  We got outside and were in the line for the bus when a lady directed us to another line and said we were the last ones for the TROLLY!!!!!! I'm telling you right now, my God is with us! He is SO good! And he cares about the little things. I'm so thankful. I'm so full.  And I know that if God cares about the Trolly, He cares about our family.  He's moving. He's here. I just have to trust him, and as the Polar Express book says, "just believe".

We are blessed

We are blessed.  So very very blessed.  This I know and realized tonight as I sat and gave Asher a bath.  He has the cutest little blonde curls.  He was talking and making boat noises while playing with his bath toy.  He then took a cup and poured bubbles and water over his head and giggled.  And I sat in awe that God has brought Him to us.  Can it be done again? Can or Will God bless us twice?

It is by faith.....

I was thinking about how they always say, "lightening doesn't strike twice".  I don't know if that's true or if it's just a stupid saying, but I do know that we are going to align ourselves with the God of creation and ask Him to walk every step with us as we move forward with adding to our family.

So we are doing another treatment.  We went to our fertility doctor this week and I was very nervous. It was strange driving there again as a flood of memories came rushing back as each mile passed.  Except this time I was listening to "it rained and rained for 40 nights and day-sies day-sies...", a children's song from a cd we have and Asher sitting and moving his head to the music.  Drew said he got emotional as we neared the building.  So much blessing since then.  An overwhelming amount.

So we took a deep breath and entered the world of infertility helps again.  The Dr. was, as he was before, kind, gentle, smiley, and hopeful.  I didn't know what to expect really.  I knew he would say we could do a treatment if we wanted, but I thought he would tell us our chances were low to conceive.  But he didn't.  He said "once you have a baby, your body just resets itself.  Its like you're starting from scratch in a way. ".  Even though we are doing a lesser procedure (an IUI), he seemed hopeful that it could work.  I didn't expect that.  I didn't expect to leave hopeful.  However, this is the dangerous part where your heart gets mesmerized by that dangling carrot and you can't help but fall in love with the idea that HOPE will love you back and give birth to your hearts desire! But you can't help but believe it's possible, so I took a deep breath.  We talked about a few details and it looks like as soon as I start my period (which is this week) we will start the process!

PLEASE JOIN US IN PRAYER! I am feeling nervous but also excited but also scared but also Peace.  I know that God has a plan.  I know that God's plan WILL come forth.  I really feel like we are to have a bigger family.  I don't know how God plans on doing it, but we felt led to do this procedure before we move forward with other options.  So here we are!  We are praying for perfect timing.  For God's hand.  For peace.  For as many babies as God wants to give us!

I hope to post here often to let everyone who is praying know how we are doing.  This is a journey and if there's one thing I've realized it's that the journey is WAY more fun with other people living the story with us.  So we invite you into our tiny world to walk with us and ask God to work another Smith miracle.  We are SO thankful for Him and for you guys!

I find myself...

It's late and I find myself nervous.  Nervous and excited, but mostly nervous.  You see, we've decided to re-enter the world of infertility.  Drew and I would like to have more children and we've been "trying" naturally for the past few months praying that God would give us a natural miracle, but once again I find myself at the end of hope.  It's CARAZY how I can get up every day and look my little miracle in the eyes and be filled with SO much joy!, ..and then look to God and hardly have a smidge of hope for Him to do it again.  Things don't happen the same way twice.  I am chained to the lie of "I know He can, but I don't know if He will".  My theology gets all up in my face and challenges me to look past it.  To see HIM waiting for me on the other side of my plan.  I need to learn (again) to let go.

I have several friends who couldn't conceive and then BOOM..they get pregnant. I know I can't compare myself to others, but isn't it hard not to?  Isn't it hard for the mother of 4 to not look around and see that Martha down the street seems to have it all together?  She works, has kids, has food ready on the table to eat for her family, AND her toilets are clean.  It's hard not to compare, but I DO know it's the stealer of all Joy.  I hate compare.  

Tomorrow we have a consultation with our fertility doctor.  We haven't seen him since I was 9 weeks pregnant and 'graduated' out of his office (yes they actually played graduation music) to my normal OBGYN.  It will be strange to see him.  We are taking Asher because they've never met him.  Dr. B once told me if we don't bring the baby to see him he will come over and take Asher back.  Of course he was joking.  He has 8 kids, I'm thinking he doesn't really want another. Haha.

I'm nervous about a few things with tomorrow.  I'm nervous that Dr. B is going to tell me I'm too old.  I'm nervous he's going to tell me no other procedure but IVF will work for us (and we can't afford IVF again).  I'm nervous that he WILL let us do another procedure.  I'm nervous that the chances of it working are less than 3%.  (IVF was 3% - God beats those odds.) I'm nervous of it not working. I'm nervous of it working.  Mainly, I'm nervous that I'm not content with what God has given us.  And the mind games that go along with infertility are ENDLESS.  If I don't believe then we wont conceive.  If I do believe we still may not conceive.  If we don't do it then I will feel like adoption is our 'backup plan'.  Adopting is NOT our backup plan.  We have always wanted to adopt and even tried once, but it wasn't the right time.  I guess I'm just struggling with feeling like a bad person because I really just want it to be easy.  I don't want to have to struggle through AGAIN and hope and wish and pray and hope and pray and wonder and keep my emotions at bay and hope God is with us blessing us..etc.   Its all so consuming.  And I'm pretty much wimpy.

Meanwhile...Asher...

I feel guilty not feeling like Asher is enough.  Asher IS enough.  I mean, he is more than I could've ever asked for.  He is the BEST.  I just want another.  For us.  For Asher.  For everyone.   That can't be bad, right?

I thought that once I had a child these infertile demons would leave me.  That I would have rest in knowing that God is enough.  And He IS enough, but He also put a desire in me that lingers.  I just thought I wouldn't be battling anymore.  So I guess this is me asking for prayers for a heart that still longs for what God has for her.  In the morning I will pray that God will once again direct us to the right place to find our next child.  That may or may not be with fertility treatments.   But whatever way it is, here we come.

"there could be worse things...."

Today is Monday.

I feel grumpy.

I was going to write a post about all the things I'm grumpy about, but I instead have decided I should find something to be thankful for.  Because, as you know, there is MUCH to be thankful for.

Asher was jumping in his jumper and screaming for no reason. I at first thought it was funny.  Then I after several minutes decided it wasn't so funny anymore.  I found myself telling him, "It's ok to scream, but if you're not upset and there's nothing really to scream about we should be happy and laugh instead of scream.  Laughing is more fun!" **insert fake laugh here"".

Maybe Asher wanted to get my attention.  Every time he screamed I would look at him and he would smile.  This I didn't like either.  I also told him, "If you want to get my attention cutie pie, say, 'mama', don't scream.". And I said it with a smile. But he smiled at me, jumped and when I looked away he screamed again.

I wonder if I scream at God like that.  Lately I feel He is distant.  Not distant like He's not providing etc.  but distant like I want to feel His Love.  Somedays I want to scream at Him.  "OVER HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE LOOKING AT YOU! DO YOU SEE ME?". A part of me things the winter is too cold for eye gazing.  He's off (like most of my other friends will soon be) basking in the sunny states while we are here, getting the news, that snow is coming tomorrow and by friday we will have freezing rain.  Yes.  It's a real forecast.

But as I was thinking about all of this and the feeling the Monday blues, I turned on my water to rinse off a potato.  That's when it hit me, I have running water.

I'm so thankful, for running water.  I almost burst into tears because I was so thankful for running water.

Earlier I was looking online to see if we could afford renting a house somewhere in our area.  I checked everywhere I could in a 20 mile radius.  The truth is, we could sort of afford maybe one of them.  But it was in horrible shape.  And I didn't feel that at this time we should make that move.  So here we remain for now.

When I want to take a shower, I go into my bathroom and turn on the water.  Hot water comes out and I can take as long as I want.  I could probably stay in there at least 30 minutes if I wanted.  It's all water for me.  Clean water.  I could drink it if needed, but I just let it pour over my body and run down the drain.  Because at any time during my day I can go back in there turn the faucet and get more.  That's A-MAZING.

780 million people in the world lack access to clean water.  I think that is so strange.  Cuz I live in a country where anyone can go into a restroom at a gas station and use the bathroom, turn the faucet, and get a drink of water.  Some cities have public drinking fountains or fountains you can swim or sit in. FOR FREE!

780 million people in the world lack access to clean water. Thats more than 2 1/2 times the United States population.  2 and 1/2 TIMES!  That's stupid. We have enough water that is being wasted every day.  And I have to believe that God makes enough water for the whole world to drink clean water.  So what's the deal?  water.  a basic thing.  Maybe I should do something.  Maybe I should help.  Even a little helps.

Something to be thankful for indeed.

http://water.org/water-crisis/water-facts/water/

Onetimeblind retreat

Hi! 

We are on our way to spend the weekend away refocusing and writing for the ministry. I'm asking everyone to please keep us in your prayers as we pray for leading and creativity. 

Thank you!