I find myself...

It's late and I find myself nervous.  Nervous and excited, but mostly nervous.  You see, we've decided to re-enter the world of infertility.  Drew and I would like to have more children and we've been "trying" naturally for the past few months praying that God would give us a natural miracle, but once again I find myself at the end of hope.  It's CARAZY how I can get up every day and look my little miracle in the eyes and be filled with SO much joy!, ..and then look to God and hardly have a smidge of hope for Him to do it again.  Things don't happen the same way twice.  I am chained to the lie of "I know He can, but I don't know if He will".  My theology gets all up in my face and challenges me to look past it.  To see HIM waiting for me on the other side of my plan.  I need to learn (again) to let go.

I have several friends who couldn't conceive and then BOOM..they get pregnant. I know I can't compare myself to others, but isn't it hard not to?  Isn't it hard for the mother of 4 to not look around and see that Martha down the street seems to have it all together?  She works, has kids, has food ready on the table to eat for her family, AND her toilets are clean.  It's hard not to compare, but I DO know it's the stealer of all Joy.  I hate compare.  

Tomorrow we have a consultation with our fertility doctor.  We haven't seen him since I was 9 weeks pregnant and 'graduated' out of his office (yes they actually played graduation music) to my normal OBGYN.  It will be strange to see him.  We are taking Asher because they've never met him.  Dr. B once told me if we don't bring the baby to see him he will come over and take Asher back.  Of course he was joking.  He has 8 kids, I'm thinking he doesn't really want another. Haha.

I'm nervous about a few things with tomorrow.  I'm nervous that Dr. B is going to tell me I'm too old.  I'm nervous he's going to tell me no other procedure but IVF will work for us (and we can't afford IVF again).  I'm nervous that he WILL let us do another procedure.  I'm nervous that the chances of it working are less than 3%.  (IVF was 3% - God beats those odds.) I'm nervous of it not working. I'm nervous of it working.  Mainly, I'm nervous that I'm not content with what God has given us.  And the mind games that go along with infertility are ENDLESS.  If I don't believe then we wont conceive.  If I do believe we still may not conceive.  If we don't do it then I will feel like adoption is our 'backup plan'.  Adopting is NOT our backup plan.  We have always wanted to adopt and even tried once, but it wasn't the right time.  I guess I'm just struggling with feeling like a bad person because I really just want it to be easy.  I don't want to have to struggle through AGAIN and hope and wish and pray and hope and pray and wonder and keep my emotions at bay and hope God is with us blessing us..etc.   Its all so consuming.  And I'm pretty much wimpy.

Meanwhile...Asher...

I feel guilty not feeling like Asher is enough.  Asher IS enough.  I mean, he is more than I could've ever asked for.  He is the BEST.  I just want another.  For us.  For Asher.  For everyone.   That can't be bad, right?

I thought that once I had a child these infertile demons would leave me.  That I would have rest in knowing that God is enough.  And He IS enough, but He also put a desire in me that lingers.  I just thought I wouldn't be battling anymore.  So I guess this is me asking for prayers for a heart that still longs for what God has for her.  In the morning I will pray that God will once again direct us to the right place to find our next child.  That may or may not be with fertility treatments.   But whatever way it is, here we come.