nerves of tears

Have you ever been so nervous that you can't help but cry?  It's a strange feeling actually.  It's where nervous almost crosses over into fear and confusion.  And once you get there, it's not a good sight.  For some reason I feel that tonight.  I feel nervous.  I feel scared and emotional.  Just the thought of writing this post made me cry.  It's so strange.  I didn't think I was nervous.  I didn't think I was becoming emotionally tied to another fertility treatment.  When I hold Asher I feel complete and secure.  I know God has blessed us.  Everyday I have a tiny fear that something might happen to Asher.  But like anyone that I deeply love, I have to remember we are all in God's hands.  We are all from Him and we will all see Him again one day.  Some fears are just here to torment us.  And so I try to cast them away.

Tomorrow I go to the Dr. for an ultrasound.  They will determine if my eggs are growing at a good pace and when I will receive my HCG shot to begin ovulation.  I could even get it tomorrow.  The shot hurts.  Although I must admit last time they all warned me about it and it didn't really hurt that much.  Not compared to the others.  But I have a feeling that I will be getting this one at the office and so I might not get the ice job I got at home a few years back.  We will see!  I AM excited despite my nervous feeling for our future.

It's been a long week.  Work has been overly busy and I haven't had any time to think about what's going on in my body, let alone prepare for what's coming.  Drew has been busy too and Asher got sick, so between all of that I just need a moment.  I need a moment to process what is happening.  I don't want to miss anything.  As I sat and played with Asher tonight I just realized how blessed I am.  He's so funny, and has such a fun personality.  As I left his room tonight he said, "I want mama...I want mama...".  That's his new way of getting me to come back to him.  It's a trap.  I know this.  But I also realize that I waited a long time for someone to say that to me.  And that he wont say that forever.  Time is never on our side.

I wonder what it would be like to have more children in my home.  To have to love more than one, or to have divided attention.  I look at Asher and can't imagine loving another as much as him.  But I know that's the amazing part of parenting.  God always increases our heart.  There's always more space and somehow it all works out.

He is able. He is good.

 Fertility is so hard.  You want to want it, but you can't want it too much cuz then if you don't get it you are devastated.  So if you just kinda want it then it doesn't hurt as bad.  But the trouble is you can't kinda want it.  My heart is sort of an 'all in' kinda heart.  But I must focus on the TRUTH that God is writing an amazing story for us.  Our story is already super cool, and I'm just asking Him to continue writing.

Fear is dumb, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to fear.  That God has allowed us to enter in with Him once again on this painful road is such a privilege.  Many don't get to feel this kind of pain.  This kind of love.  There is something truly amazing about how many aspects of God's love there is.

God is faithful.  He is with us.  He is near.  And when I rest in Him, all fear is gone.