Round 2 - ding!

It's Tuesday and I've been taking injections for the IUI since last Friday.  I took my first injection and then went on an all night trip with 900 jr. high students.  All night meaning, stay up all night. .  . FUN! (it really was fun).  My pills ran out on schedule a few days ago, so it's just one more shot tonight and then I'm done with those.  Maybe forever?

I had an early ultrasound this morning to find out when and if we were doing a treatment this month. Today is day 10.  Meaning the 10th day of my cycle.  So I figured if we DID do a cycle this month, we would inseminate this week sometime.  And we are!

Dr. B said everything looks great! Ok - what he actually said was, "I'm really pleased with what I see.  It looks great for, dare I say...someone your age?".  WHATEVER! But I guess I know what he means.  So that being said, we are moving forward with our treatment this week.  Thursday and Friday morning we will be getting inseminated.

I'm having a hard time not feeling depressed a little.  I mean, it's SO hard to come off of a failed IUI or a failed anything and jump right back in to try again.  I think it wouldn't have been that bad, but I really thought last months was going to work.  Maybe I was naive, but it seemed like the stars were aligning.  I don't ever question God or His ways.  I don't claim to know anything close to what He knows.  I don't even ask to understand sometimes because I know that's impossible.  I just try to find my place of contentment and peace so I can move forward.  I don't deal well with change.  I need time to process to think things through.  But I'm 43 and I don't have time.  I've never had time when its come to this subject.  So - here we are, trying again.  I believe God.  I believe what He says is true.  I know He has more for us.

As I sit and play with Asher I just marvel at the fact that he is ours.  I just can't believe it.  I know it will be equally as hard to believe when God does it again.

It's personal.  It's deep.  It's intertwined into my dna.  This love and yearning to fill a gap that still lays open.  Ah yes, Asher has filled some of it, but there's more.  I walk the balance again of Hope and disappointment.  Don't Hope too much.  Don't ignore Hope too much.  I wish there was a magic pill or combination that makes all things possible.  But that is like asking God "why" about any subject. That question will not be answered.  My energy is better used somewhere else.  Some days I feel so selfish.

Did I mention that my dr. told me he once took out 62 eggs out of a woman who was 40! SIXTY TWO! She did IVF and all 3 of her embryos implanted.  She only ended up having twins.  And then a few years later she got a divorce.  She's now remarried and still has 18 frozen embryos.  He said that was a long time ago.  But it's strange how each story is so different.  So unique.  So crazy.  Seriously, that's crazy.

Anyway, this post is a bit random, but that's kinda how my brain is right now.  Random things keep popping in my head.  I even forgot to make the appointment for this morning which is why my appointment was at 6:15am.  No, that's not a typo.  So here's praying to a successful transfer this week and to an even more successful implantation next week.

Chin up! Eyes focused! We will prevail! Thank you for praying and walking with us.  I will keep you updated!