Well, the excitement is growing! In almost 36 hours we will be in a room with the doctor getting a lot of questions answered! I have to admit I'm more nervous than excited. I think I will be excited AFTER the appointment. Mostly I just want to know that something really IS going on down there and that all is well. I've been told my fears are normal. I don't know if they are normal or not but I've been praying safety, love, growth, God's breath, and peace over all 3 embies hoping that they are no longer embies but they are now forming hearts, heads, legs & arms (flippers), eye and ear sockets and so many more intricate things that God is forming. I'm asking for perfection.
I'm learning a new definition of fear.
I've done many fearful things in my life. I bungie jumped one time. I was scared out of my pants, but I just closed my eyes and as it took my breath away on the way down I knew it would be ok. I knew somehow that I would bounce back on that cord. I've gotten a few tattoo's. Not that I was afraid to do it, but once you're in that chair there's no going back. I've sat there for at least an hour in pain trying to go to a happy place in my head until it's over. My dad scared me once so bad that I ran all the way upstairs to my room and hid under my covers crying. I never look out the windows at night. These days I try to stay away from things that scare me. I don't go to haunted houses in October. I don't watch scary movies. I hardly watch CSI if I think it's going to put things in my head that will scare me later. Today I woke up so emotional.
In my heart of hearts I feel everything is ok, but I have a little fear that something might not be ok, although I have NO evidence (and MUCH evidence of the opposite) to back that fear up. GOD IS FAITHFUL! Talk about believing something that you can't even see. (Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being confident of what we can't even see! Heb.1:11) Although I have that little weed of fear that everything is ok, I also have fears of other things. I am about to be responsible for 1-? little babies at the same time. I've been around babies for a long time. I've taken care of Laura's kids like they were my own. But that's just it, they aren't my own. When they are sick she takes them to the doctor. Ultimately I don't have to think about that at all. But now I do. It's my responsibility to make sure they are fed good food (even now!), clothed, holy, happy and on and on it goes. I do believe this is the beginning of me taking care of something that's completely out of my control. I can see now why wisdom is so important. I remember one of my friends Montina had a premie baby many years ago. He was only a few days old and was starting to choke on some guck that was still from the birth. (I don't know about any of that, sorry I can't explain it better) I remember feeling FREAKED out because I didn't know what to do. But she just picked him up and sucked it out with that sucker thing like she'd been doing it her whole life. THAT is scary to me. I know these fears might sound stupid, but I really really do pray that I'm able to be a good parent. I know I'm going to screw something up, but I really really don't want to. I really want to do everything right.
I'm hoping I will feel a bit better on Friday after our appointment. I know God prepares us for the seasons He calls us to. I know it will be ok. I know I'm not alone. I know I woke up this morning happy and 5 minutes later I was crying and 5 minutes later I was mad and then 5 minutes later laughing again and then I wanted more orange juice. Yes, hormones have kicked in FULL force. I guess it's all a part of the process. I feel like there is a giant timer set for 9 months and we are down to less than 8 to go which seems like forever and sometimes I'm thankful. I need time. I gotta believe this is real. I hope somewhere along this journey to birthing babies that I find Wisdom. I pray she blesses me and gives me all that I need.
One thing is for sure, I have plenty of mom's around me to ask for help. I know I'm not alone. And for that I am very thankful.
Boy this was a downer post. haha. Anyone want to guess how many babies are growing inside me? So far Karen from work said 2 (1 girl and 1boy) and Jennie from work says 3 (2g 1b) I thought about doing a raffle or something to raise money for diapers, but I guess it's too late for that.
What's your guess? What's your guess?
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
6 comments:
I'm kind of hoping for 2 but thinking 3, at least 1 boy and 1 girl. (not that I wouldn't think that 3 would be awesome but even 1 is hard for months so I couldn't imagine 3, but you WILL have lots of help and support :)
Some things, you will instinctively know just b/c God has programmed you to be a Mommy, when you are in the situation, you will know what to do!
And get this right now so you're not disappointed later, you will not do everything perfect, you are human and there are many things that are out of your control. :)
I didn't think this was a down post at all :)
I am going to say 2 babies. :) The waiting and not knowing is very hard. I think I was very fortunate to be high risk, because it allowed me to have ultrasounds each month. It is just that little bit of reassurance that everything is fine. If you are anything like me, you have already read "What to Expect" and every other pregnancy book, just waiting to enter the next chapter. lol PS - the week by week ones are a lot better. It helps the time go by a little quicker.
Melisa
I'm going with 2 girls and 1 boy, too. And I thought that before I read your post :)
I know it's a cop out, but whatever the number ... perfection! AR
I think there are two! :) But whatever the number, it's going to be amazing! I remember feeling slightly let down when we realized it was one baby. But after everything we had been through and not wanting to do all of that over again I think it was ok for me to feel that way. Anyway, now I can't imagine it any other way. The Lord knew exactly what we needed and with preterm labor and all that craziness, I was over the moon to welcome home my one perfect baby. But two well that would be amazing! :) And as far as worrying, it's so different when it's your own. I parent so different than i thought I would but I just prayed for wisdom and I know we are doing what's best for him as his parents. that doesn't mean I haven't called my mom or MIL or a friend crying because I don't know what to do, but it comes to you. Promise. :)
For years I have prayed for you, for this day, for this moment, and the biggest reason is because of the blessing I know you will be in your children's lives. You won't be perfect, its not attainable. I suggest praying through the years that you will be the mom that your kids need, which will be different than the one ours need and trust God for all the rest, He will fill in the gaps when you mess up. The biggest thing I've learned from being a parent is that I can't control I have to trust in the one who brought these
precious blessings into our lives. Praying for you today and everyday my friend.
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