Day 1

I didn't post yesterday because it was a very long day.  We woke up by getting a few phone calls from friends telling us that a dear friend of ours from college had passed away the night before.  He and his wife are wonderful people who love the Lord.  Jim was a huge reason that I wanted to join onetimeblind when I was in college.  His love for Jesus was intoxicating. It was a sad morning as we called friends and informed them about the situation.  This season has been so hard for so many people.  We are continuing to pray for our family and friends. Hug one another today. Don't go to bed mad, it's not worth it. Share with the world the Hope and Love of Jesus. I think they need it.

Ok, so today is day 2 in reality, but my first day of injections. Yesterday after finding out about Jim I started and needed to call the dr. office.  I called at 8:30 and there was no answer - like the phone just kept ringing and ringing.  I thought that was weird so I looked up their hours and found out they open at 9.  So I waited till 9 and called.  Again, just ringing and no answer machine.  I called at 10....10:30..same thing.  I looked at Drew and said, "Something isn't right. There's gotta be other people trying to call in. We are all on the same cycle there.".  I looked over all of my paper work looking for an additional number to call but there was none. I DID however find the paper that told me "Call on DAY ONE"of my period. I might have started to get a little nervous, but the paper said if your day 1 was on the weekend then you had to come in by day 3 to have an ultra sound and start your meds. So I figured we would just drive in Monday morning at 7:30 and show up for an appt. I wasn't that nervous, but then the phone rang.

"Kathlene?"
me-"yes"
nurse-"Have you been trying to call? We just found out our phones are down".  

Aaaaahhhhhhh....yes.......of course they are.

I'm very thankful that she called. She was trying to think of anyone that might try to call that morning and I was one of them. She asked if I could come in at 11:45 and I was surprised but of course said, "YES!".  I thought we would have to wait until Monday anyway since it was later in the day.

(side note: we took our truck back in again--yeah a bit laughable at this point--we think there's a short in the check engine light or something, it keeps coming on. just one more thing = life)

We arrived at the dr. office and we prayed for our friends and then prayed that God would bless our appointment.  I was very nervous. I knew we had to have a good number of follicles to continue the process.  We went in and they were running a bit behind, which was ok.  I got my blood taken by the smartest nurse I've ever met.  Patti is so kind and always has information or advice to give me which is great. She told me to baby my veins because they will be taking blood every day next week (not this week but the following) until they know I'm ready for retrieval.

We had our ultra sound and it went amazingly well!  He said my ovaries look great and he counted 13 follicles! I usually have more follicles on my right side, but this time they were on the left. That doesn't mean anything but just that it's interesting. Nurse Patti said not to look at the numbers.  She told me many times there are little follicles that the dr's don't count and so we never know how many eggs there will be until the retrieval.  She also told me multiples are more likely in older women for some reason. It's all very interesting. :) The Dr. said my uterus "looked like a 35 year old, or maybe even 25".  I thought that was such a blessing to hear.  2 years ago my gynecologist told me my uterus looked like a 26 year olds.  I felt that was the blessing of the Lord. I find it very God-like to hear that word spoken over me again. Especially from this Dr. who always reminds me that I'm in the 40 crowd. Not to be mean, but he has to look at the stats etc. I get it. But I believe in a God that waits till people are "old" to start a promise.  He's funny like that.

SO---that brings us to this morning.

Injection #1.

Not bad. Drew did a great job. :)  It didn't hurt, it went fast and I think the morning shots will be ok. Yes, I closed my eyes after this picture was taken. Tonight will be a different story.  There are 3 different meds mixed together in one shot. I've been told they sting a little.  But I'm reminding myself that there are only 22 shots at the most. I'm praying for 14-16.  So please pray for that! The number of shots depend on how I "boil" as nurse Patti says. She explained it like growing flowers. The meds help the follicles grow all at the same time instead of one faster than the other.

This is so they can retrieve all the eggs at the same time and hopefully the same maturity.  

So this week we concentrate on being stress free (haha) and we take one shot in the morning and one at night.  I've tried to add a widget on the right side of my blog to show my December Calendar, it didn't work the greatest, but here's the basics: 

Day(December1) 1: start period. 

Day 2: ultrasound & blood work (all came out great!)

Day 3: (today) start shots. One in the morning, one at night. Morning shot is Lupron. For me, it basically prevents/controls ovulation. (the website link provided is NOT my dr, but it's a good resource). My night time shots will be a mixture of lupron, bravelle and menopur. 

Day 4: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 5: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 6: continue with morning & evening shots - eat chocolate

Day 7: continue with morning & evening shots

Day 8: 7:45am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds according to results. 

Day 9: continue shots. 

Day 10: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

**This week Determines if I've "cooked" enough and every day could possibly be a plan for egg retrieval. Appointments etc. will change based on results.  

Day 11: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

Day 12: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds.

Day 13: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds.

Day 14: 8am ultrasound & blood work. Adjust meds. 

Schedule will go like this until I look ready at which time I will be instructed to take the "trigger" shot of Ovidrel or hCG. Then 36 hours later I will have the retrieval. After the retrieval the embryologist will create the embryo's.  I will get daily updates on how they are doing etc. I have the day off after retrieval (YAY!) and then I will start taking progesterone daily until I find out that I'm pregnant. But no more shots! Once the embryologist decides the embryo's are ready we go in and they do the transfer. This will be a very great day. The hard parts will be over!

After the transfer I plan on resting for 3 days. Praying, resting, eating chocolate. :)  I wish I could plan it out more and know exactly what days were going to be what, but I guess that's part of the fun. :) I'm asking for prayers that everything goes well and quick so I don't have more shot then necessary.  

If you're still reading - BLESS YOU! I know this is a long post, but I just had to get all of that out. I will post the next few days, but they wont be exciting.  Just shots every day and regular life stuff.  Hope all of you are having a wonderful day. 

kat   

another day of waiting

I thought I would be making a call today to the dr, but nope. I will pray for tomorrow.  They are open on Saturday, so I guess we will see!  Drew had the day off so it was nice that he was around resting. He's been working hard and pretty stressed. The day was spent with coffee with a mentor, crafts with a friend and home made squash kale pizza with drew. A good day.

However, we got a call about our car and it needed a new hose. And the oxygen sensor needed replaced. So we did all of that. They fixed it fast than I thought and we picked it up.  We went out tonight and the minute we turned the car on the engine light came on again. :)

What I think is hard isn't that our car constantly has something wrong.  The problem is fear. And false positives. Feeling like something is positive only to find out it's not. "Perfect Love casts out ALL fear." That perfection is Jesus. His love, the way he loves, the way he protects, the way he counsels me. I need more of him. More Peace. More Love. More focus.

We are pushing through. No going back. That's just the way it is.  Dumb car.

Tomorrow's goal = fall off the roof (as my sister & her friends used to say) Hoping to see red so I can call for an appointment and get this show on the road!  Besides hoping for that maybe I will put up some Christmas decoration.

not yet....

In 12 years (or really my whole life) I've never wanted my period to start like I do right now.  My last pill was on tuesday so ..... any...minute now....

Once it starts I'm supposed to call the dr. and make an appointment for an ultrasound.  That's when they discover how many follicles I have this month.  I'm praying for many.  They are naturally formed each month in varying numbers. Last month I had 13, so I'm hoping for good numbers!  No new news in fertility world.

We DID get our truck today.  It's been quite a story. We bought a Jeep Commander (used) and the engine light came on while we were driving it home. SO--it went to our shop, then back to the dealer, then one engine replacement (and month) later we picked it up. This was today. I was so excited to finally have my 'new' truck. When we got to work coolant was pouring out the bottom.  Our friend Mark looked at it and said he thinks a clamp was loose. So back to my shop it went.  As I was driving it with the check engine light and classical music blaring, I reminded myself how lucky we are.  I mean, yes, things have been challenging lately and I'm feeling pretty stressed, but we are safe. We have food. We are healthy (except my mystery tooth pain) and we are SO very loved. I have nothing to complain about. I am most blessed.

OH! ok, I will share one funny story of the day. Drew and I have been buying farm fresh eggs from some friends at church who have chickens. They are SO good.  Today the Mr. wrote me on facebook and asked, "Hey Kat! How's it going? Just wondering if you need more eggs?".  When I get a message it shows up on my phone and I can only see so much of it so that's all I saw.  I thought..."um....how did he know we were doing fertility treatments? And WHY oh WHY would HE ask me if I needed more eggs? Does he want to give me some? Or does he want MINE?"  Needless to say for about 10 seconds I was very, very confused. But after realizing he just wanted to sell me some chicken eggs, I had to laugh.  bawk! bawk!

twothurty

What a day.

So many blessings and a few bouts of stress.  I woke up last night around 3 am sweating and my mouth was throbbing.  In October I had a root canal on one of my back teeth.  I will spare you the details but I had to go back 3 times for them to make sure they got it all.  It was bad. But when I left things seemed to be fixed.  Last night that tooth started hurting.  So I woke up exhausted and frustrated. I don't have time or money to fix this tooth. Nor do I want to deal with this 3 days before I start taking medication for treatments. And I'm not even sure I CAN take medication or get my tooth fixed or get x-rays.  I went to work feeling tired and a good friend of mine asked me how my morning was going.  I wanted to cry right in front of her.  Suzanne encouraged me to go to the dentist to at least get an x-ray because without that we don't have any information, we are just guessing.  I was nervous. But she was right. I called and they got me in at 11.  After they took the x-ray I sat in the chair listening to the nurses say things like, "see that?" "oh yeah, wow, ok".  And I just looked straight ahead. I was left a lone for a minute and I just looked up and confessed out loud, "God, I need you.  I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this again. I need to focus on other things. Please God".

The dentist is an older man who wears a magnifying glass on his eye glasses. Today he was smiling and I appreciated that. He looked at the x-ray then tapped on my tooth. He asked me if I clinch my teeth at night. I said yes and that I have a night guard but don't wear it often.  He told me my x-ray today looks the same as the last time I came. He believes I'm clinching my teeth at night and it's causing my gums to hurt. He prescribed me a z-pack and told me to wear my night guard.  I told him I'm nervous because we are starting treatments soon.  He told me he can work on my teeth even if I'm doing treatment but that he wouldn't have to.  Then he smiled and wished me luck.

I left Praising God SO MUCH for what he did for me. My tooth still hurts but I'm on the z-pack even though I don't like it.  I called my nurse Patti today to ask her if it was ok to take the meds and she said I will actually take them during retrieval too so it was fine for now. I don't know if this z-pack will help me, but maybe it will clear my sinuses. Nurse Patti is very positive and kind.  She said, "I guess I will talk to you in a few days!".  It makes me feel excited. :)

My fertility medication arrived today! I had to have it shipped to my friend Jen's house who was more than a bit nervous to watch over my box till I got there.  She did great. ;)

I got home and ignored the box till after dinner. A lady called me earlier today to tell me I could call her and she would go through the box with me.  I thought that was a little weird until I opened it.  After removing loads of bubble wrap (the best part of the box I might add) I saw a boxes and bags. None of them making sense. I called my point lady, Mary.  She was driving but instructed us to put all the meds in a pile and everything else (needles etc) in another pile. Then she had us read them to her and she explained what they were and when we would take them.  It was EXTREMELY helpful.

I also talked to Naz (yes) who is giving our truck a new engine.  Still feel stress about that and not sure how that's going to end, but supposedly it will be fixed by tomorrow. We will see. Oh, and I don't think he called me baby today, but I'm really not sure.

Over all I was stressed and wanting to cry most of the day. Probably partly because I'm pms-ing and partly because I do feel a lot of stress. Tomorrow is a new day. Another day of waiting. One more thing checked off the list. I just need to calm down and keep breathing.

Hoping to sleep tonight.

Milk + Nerves = bad

It's been a pretty good day today.  I've been waiting to hear about my car (did I mention we bought a used car about a month ago and it blew a head gasket the next day?) but still no word.  It is getting fixed and by God's Goodness the salesman is helping us out.  BUT- that means we wait and wait.  Eventually we will have that car.  It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.  I had cream with coffee this morning. And with my breakfast.  And with my dinner. And with my nightly coffee to help me get through children's musical rehearsal. I learned too much creamer is a very bad thing. Needless to say, Drew had to run most of the rehearsal tonight while I was in the restroom not resting. So thankful for Drew!
I just feel nervous.

#1 Rule for fertility treatments: Don't stress about anything.

I'm glad we picked December for this once in a lifetime treatment. But again, why not?  Perfect Love casts out all fear...and nerves.  :)  Just trying to focus on Jesus cuz I need a bit more of him.  So much more.

Today was a pretty good day. Took my last pill so I'm assuming my period will start by Friday at the latest. I got a call from our specialty pharmacy that our card was denied.  Had a small heart attack and then called to find out we just needed to raise our security limit.  A few more phone calls and all is well.  It will ship out in the morning. Meds, needles and such.  Yes needles, lots of them.  And a special cool box to put them in when I'm done. That's right, I'm cool.

My nephew Jonathan had to take growth hormone shots EVERY day for most of his life.  I keep reminding myself of that.  I can't be a wimp in front of him.  That would be SO embarrassing.  ;) I'm not really afraid of the shots though.  I can't really pin point where the nerves are coming from.  I'm embracing the process and actually finding it fascinating.  I think I do have fear that we will do the meds wrong.  But we are praying all good things over the meds.  God is good.

I talked to my boss today about the time I might need off for appts and the retrieval etc. She told me no worries and home life comes first.  I thought that was nice.  She then reminded me about a professor that just found out her daughter-in-law is having triplets.  They did IVF and had 3 embryo's placed. When they heard the heart beat the first time, they only heard 2.  The second visit they heard 3. I can't even imagine that in my wildest dreams.

I've never been to Alaska.  My sweet mother-in-law has and every time she talks about it I wonder what it would be like to experience that.  I can only imagine what it's like from movies and books. I can't actually place myself there and feel how cold it is or hear the ice fall into the water.  Being pregnant is kinda like that.  If you've never been, you can only imagine what you've seen other people go through.  You can't imagine looking down and seeing that plus sign, or having a baby bump, or going to THAT side of the store (the one I avoid) to look for clothes that fit or to actually FEEL something inside of you.  What a mystery. I'm ok with not ever feeling those things, but it's in this type of situation that you try. You try to imagine something you've never experienced. It's pretty much impossible. It's just a story you think is impossible.  But that's just it, it's not impossible.

I told a friend tonight that I just learned that Hope is believing in something where there is a possibility. Wishing is dreaming of the impossible. With God all things are possible, so we Hope. Seriously people, He raises the dead...like..for real! This isn't impossible for Him. So, we continue to Hope knowing there is a cracked door still open and I can almost see the promises on the other side.

Tomorrows goal? Refer back to #1 above.

Last day

So tomorrow is my last day of being on the pill.  It's strange to think that after 12 years of trying to have children I've been taking the pill for over 30 days. HA! But it's really for the doctors to be able to control my ovulation etc. so I get it.

Today I ordered my "it costs as much as a used car" baby making medication. I went over it 10 times with the nice lady- Wendy.  I kept saying, "I'm sorry, can you spell that again" and "Now how many viles of that am I getting?" She kept repeating it over and over but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening. She went on to explain that I have no return policy and I also have only 72 hours to make sure my order is right and I'm not missing something. (I DID hear that part) The truth is it's really scary to me.  When I made the call to place the order I was shaking.  I actually hung up and had to call again.  No, this is not when I placed the order, that was last week.  I've had the order on hold to the very last minute just in case.  In case of what? I'm not really sure.  I hung up the phone and started crying.

I told Drew I was PMSing.  He reminded me I was on the pill and my body doesn't know when that will stop so it probably wasn't PMS.  I told him to shut up.  haha, but I guess he's probably right. I don't remember how the pill works. It's been awhile.

When I think about the process of taking shots, one in the morning, one at night...I don't feel scared. I know Drew is going to do most of that and let's be honest, he's pretty smart. Thank God!  I would be mixing meds with who knows what! I don't know how some women do it alone.  I know we get to a place where we hurt so bad we will do anything to fill that gap inside us.  I don't really have a huge gap.  I have a longing... a yearning... for family...but not a gap, meaning I don't feel empty. I just feel like something is missing.  

So it's done. Ordered. No going back now.  Meds show up on Wednesday but probably wont need them until next week.  3 deep breaths. It's going to be ok.

The people that Hope, Win.

Past my bedtime for tonight. Sweet Dreams to us all.

Praying for December Miracles

OK ~ December…ready or not, here we come!  I'm ready though. I'm scared, but ready. 

The Short (drew's 'get to the point') Version: 

Drew and I have been saving all year to try one more fertility procedure. It's a doozy, but we feel we must rule out every option as we continue in our journey to our family.  In 2 days we will start our walk towards In vitro fertilization.  We are asking for prayers for December as we push through this process. The process starts in the later part of this week and we will know if it works by the end of December. Please pray this treatment is successful!  We are believing God for a miracle or 2 or 3 but no more than that, cuz that's just crazy  ;)  .  Thank you!

The Longer (kat tells every detail) Version: 

For those of you who are interested in what In vitro fertilization is exactly, I will describe it towards the end of this post.  But the bottom line is we are going to a specialist to remove a few of my eggs so they can be fertilized in a lab with Drew's sperm.  They rest and grow in the lab for a few days and become embryos.  Once they are ready, they will be put back in me and we pray for God's creating miracle to begin.  We will know if it worked by the end of December.  In the fertility world, this is the big one.  I remember reading about this in some chat rooms years ago when we first started our journey towards children and I couldn't imagine doing this test.  But God has a way of changing your heart, and maturing you as He leads you on different paths. I spoke to a girl tonight who recently found out they didn't have high chances of conceiving.  She said by the end of the conversation she felt inspired. We just talked about the many ways for God to bring us children. I sat and looked at my stone that says HOPE and my statue of the little boy with the HOPE balloon and I swallow hard as I know her journey is just beginning.  I hope their road to family is shorter than mine has been. I hope my road ends soon too.

I've been doing pretty good emotionally.  I am walking the delicate balance of one foot in, one foot out.  I can't be all in because if this treatment doesn't work and I'm all in, it will be devastating. I've been down that road too many times. I need to just trust God to know what's best. But it's hard. 

Today was baby dedication at church.  Sometimes I can't go, today it seemed ok.  It just so happened that the 2 families that were dedicating their kids were a couple with the last name of Cotter (not related to me btw) and a couple with the last name of Smith (also, not related to drew).  So the whole time Pastor Richard was saying stuff like "As we dedicate the Cotter-Smith babies ....." etc. I kept looking at Drew and laughing.  What are the chances, for real.  Sometimes I don't know what God is trying to say! Maybe it is a good sign.  

My sister has told me countless times (Laura has too), "Just take one step, then take the next step…" This is how battles are won.  One day at a time.  One step. One decision. One breath.  Breathe in deep….breathe out.  Yes, 3 times. (Great advice from Jenny) This changes my atmosphere, my thinking.  More good advice from Ryan today, "This week take a bath in your mind".  I will be thinking about that one for sure.  

So I'm going to try to blog every day.  I know most of you may not be interested.  That's ok. I know how that goes, we are all busy and have lots to do. So I will try to put a short (drew version) update on top and a "kat" long winded version on the bottom. This week we will be waiting.  I've been on the pill for a month (which is HILARIOUS!) so the doctors can control when I ovulate.  This process is an extremely timed out event. I will be checking my list and calendar daily, maybe hourly, to make sure I'm doing everything right. 

My week: 

Monday: Order expensive fertility drugs (no going back after this!)

Tuesday: Take my last pill

Wednesday: wait. 

Thursday: Possibly start my period or more waiting. 

Friday: Start my period for sure, and make appointment for ultrasound with doctors. If everything looks good…

Saturday: start 2 shots a day.  God help us. And by "us" I mean me.  But kinda drew too since he will be giving the shots to me. 

Let the fertility fun begin! Thank you for your love & prayers!

Explanation of In vitro fertilization for those who want to know: 

Wikipedia says: 

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside the body: in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. The process involves monitoring a woman's ovulatory process, removing ovum or ova (egg or eggs) from the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilize them in a fluid medium in a laboratory. When a woman's natural cycle is monitored to collect a naturally selected ovum (egg) for fertilization, it is known as natural cycle IVF. The fertilized egg (zygote) is then transferred to the patient's uterus with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy.

But I must say, it's way more amazing then this definition.  Until I watched a few videos, I really didn't understand how incredible this procedure is. I was going to post a few tonight, but the internet is acting crazy.  I will try to post tomorrow.  Until then, thank you for praying and walking with us on this journey!

Mary's life

In the past 2 months things in our lives have gotten a bit crazy.  I had 3 dentist appts ending in a "I've never seen roots like this before. You're ruining our tools" kind of root canal.  I had an eye appt.  I've seen a new Primary Care Physician cuz my old one was awful at best. We decided to buy a new car, so we did LOTS of research and looked at several cars. We finally found one we liked and we bought it. Driving it home the check engine light came on.  You know where I'm going with that.  Several people in our lives are dealing with health issues, loss of jobs and cars and we've even lost a few special people that were dear to us.  They are now with Jesus. I've been taking 3 deep breaths, often. It does help. 

I'm reminded of this season and how every year Christmas comes sooner.  This year 2 weeks before Thanksgiving people were putting up Christmas lights, playing Christmas music and looking at Christmas displays in the stores. I started to wonder why every year it seems like people want to start the Christmas festivities early.  I love Christmas. I love the traditions of Christmas.  Even though mom and dad are gone and my season always seems a bit strange, I love the mystery of it all.  I love the Christmas magic that comes to children this time of year. I love the feelings of security, love and simplicity. I think many people do and as this world becomes more stressful we long for simpler times. Christmas is a season that represents this feeling. And if we can have one more week of simple times, please let it come.   

But that's not what Christmas was.  When Joseph and Mary were traveling they were running for their lives. They were traveling far from home, on a camel.  Imagine being 9 months pregnant and riding a camel.  For real.  My sister has a friend who rode a camel when she was 9 months pregnant.  She had the baby that week. I guess that works. If there was one word that I could use to describe this season for Joseph and Mary it would be chaos.  Fear would be a second word.  I mean think about it…an angel sent from God comes and tells you that you are going to have God's son. After being freaked out a bit, you realize the honor that actually is. If that happened to me, I would be saving my money or pulling whatever connections I have to make sure that the SON OF GOD is born in an amazing place.  I would want his first breath to be full of pure air with no toxins. I would want blue birds singing or at least the Tabernacle Choir.  I would have the finest sheets money could buy. I would have the room tempeture at a perfect 72 degrees.  I would have prophets and preachers and Spiritual leaders like Billy Graham to be there praying and praising as the Son of God takes his first look at this world up close and smiles.  

Mary must have been struggling. She had a LONG camel ride to think about how she had the privilege out of all the women in the world to bear God's son and she didn't even have a home to have him in. There wasn't a castle.  There were no fancy sheets.  His first breath was mixed with cow dung and sheep's wool.  Mary had to have been stressed thinking that she might have him on the streets.  But when she smelled the stable, maybe she thought the street would've been a better idea. I don't know. It was all wrapped up a little in fear, exhaustion and messiness.  But the Savior was born. And so we win. We hope. We live. We are redeemed. But I'm sure Mary was just hoping he made it through his first night. Promising him that she would take the best care of him as she possibly could.  But reminding him that wouldn't be like Moses life filled with fine foods and palaces.  But still, I'm sure she promised to give him the best she could. And she did. 

Perfect timing. Perfect Season.

He hears me.

He hears me. 

I didn't mean to get everyone all excited on Facebook about what has changed in my life.  I actually forgot that people are waiting to hear "big news" that we are pregnant.  So right away let me say WE ARE NOT PREGNANT! :-)  When that happens there won't be any code to decipher.  Trust me, you will know.  It's actually something better than that.  

Quick Storyline explanation.  Storyline is a conference put on by Donald Miller who is the author of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Blue Like Jazz and many other writings.  His conference is about teaching you that your life is a epic story. And if you draw your life out on a timeline you will see that.  He encourages us to live life to the fullest, to create great stories.  As the conference went on, my friend Tomi and I were feeling overwhelmed with much of the information that we were being given. (If you would like to hear more of my thoughts on the conference, let me know) Throughout the conference Donald would talk about his friend Bob Goff.   He sounded like an interesting man, but most of the people interviewed this weekend were interesting.  

**coffee break for back story**

October of 2011 I was driving home from work and listening to NPR when I heard a radio piece that rocked me to the core.  It was about a community in Uganda and the atrocities that were happening there.  You can read the article here.  Basically it was a community run by witchdoctors who convinced all the people that if they had a human sacrifice done for them they would have good fortune.  But it couldn't be any human sacrifice, it had to be children.  The witchdoctors would steal children and depending on what type of blessing you wanted they would maim that child in certain ways, the biggest blessing was cutting off the childs head.  They would convince the locals to have these sacrifices and bury the children's body parts in the ground under their businesses to guarantee financial success.  Of course you had to pay the witchdoctor to do this, and although it was expensive the people would do it because they saw it as an investment.  The officials knew this was happening, but because it was very discreet they couldn't catch any of the witchdoctors in the act and therefore could do nothing. And because the bodies were buried they were no witnesses or evidence.  Then one day, a boy was discovered who had been mutilated and left for dead, but he didn't die.  NPR talked about the hopes that this boy was the one and only witness who might help the case.  

This story seemed unbelievable to me.  There are families that are missing children because they were kidnapped and having their bodies cut into pieces with a machete.  I wondered how I could go home and make dinner and watch tv after hearing this story.  I wondered how we would feel or react if that was happening in my neighborhood.  I wondered if the Ugandans would care.  I wondered if I would.  I cried all the way home.   I shared this story with Drew and then with friends.  I couldn't get this off my mind yet I didn't know what to do with it.  This is one of my biggest problems.  I see the injustice of the world, but can't think of how to solve it.  I wouldn't make a very good president.  So I prayed.  I hate "just praying" for things like this.  It doesn't seem enough.  I'm a doer and prayer doesn't feel like doing.  It feels like a cop-out when you really don't want to be involved.  We say "oh…that's awful, I will pray for you".  And maybe we will, but I feel what I'm really saying is "oh…that's messy, I don't know how to solve that for you, so good luck because I really don't have time to be involved".  Sometimes all a person really needed was food or a pair of shoes or maybe some time for someone to listen to them.  But this issue was global.  It was big, too big for me.  I resolved to pray not knowing how I could ever change a community in northern Uganda.  

**coffee break over…back to work**

One of the cool parts of Storyline was Don would interview amazing people who have done amazing things with what God has given them.  One man worked in the clothing industry, so he started making t-shirts to sell to help people afford to go to rehab and get rid of addiction.    

One man was a councilor but wanted to be a philanthropist.  Although he had no money he decided to write a children's book and give anything he made from the sales of it to charities in need.

The last person interviewed was this man named Bob Goff. 

He is a bit hard to describe as he is very excitable when he speaks.  There is no way you can't fall in love with this man in about 10 seconds.  He really enjoys life.  He started by telling the story about how he met Don Miller.  Bob is a lawyer living in California who owns a cabin way out in the middle of nowhere.  This cabin is on a river and is only accessible by boat or plane.  You can't drive there.  He uses this facility to host kids from Young Life Ministries.  Don Miller was on a kayaking trip with friends and just happened to go by this cabin.  Bob saw them and invited them in for food.  So they got to know one another.  Bob was sharing this with us and then asked Don if he could also share his work that he was doing in Uganda.  I assumed he was another missionary doing missions there.  

Bob began to describe how he wanted to do more in life.  So he flew to Uganda and because he was a lawyer and that was all he knew to do, he went to the Justice Department and made friends with a judge there.  He asked that judge what the greatest need was in Uganda and how he could help.  This judge started explaining about how witchdoctors were taking over and killing all of the children, and they can't catch them, they can't stop them.  But that a young boy had been recently found.  He was kidnapped, taken to a field and had his privates cut off.  He was left for dead, but he didn't die.  So for the first time they actually had a witness that could speak out against the evil that was taking over Uganda.  One boy against one nation of evil.  But he needed a good lawyer. 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

So Bob takes the case.  He not only prosecutes that witch doctor, but opens the door for many other to be prosecuted.  Also because that man was put in prison for life, people began to loose faith in the word of the witchdoctors.  How could they believe these successes that come through sacrificing children would work for them when the Dr. himself was in prison?  Bob recently received guardianship over that little boy in Uganda.  Not only that, but Bob "randomly" met one of the worlds best surgeons who reconstructed that little boys penis.  Now he has been made whole again in every way.  The story doesn't end there though.  Bob went back and spoke to that witchdoctor who begged for forgiveness.  And through a long conversation, Bob forgave him and that witchdoctor came to accept Jesus.  And now that man is going to speak to everyone else in the prison about Jesus.  Men who enter this prison, never get out.  It's a big, square, no window, cement building.  They are going to die there, but now they can die with hope.  A hope that they will live again.  They have a deeper Peace and forgiveness, one they never thought they could deserve or have. Bob has also had the opportunity to speak to groups of witchdoctors that are still practicing in that area.  He gave them his phone number in case they wanted to talk. LOL.  One called while he was at a the conference this weekend. 

After hearing all of this I had to take a moment and breathe.  From the moment that I realized Bob was talking directly about something that I had been praying for months about I couldn't stop crying.  Honestly, it was because I couldn't believe once again that God hears me.  Not just on a personal level, something I could see everyday, but on a GLOBAL level.  I know it wan't just my prayers that made all of that happen…or was it?  What we do matters. What we say matters.  What we PRAY matters!  I know this. I've known this.  But it's always so humbling when God actually takes the time to reveal it to me.  Bob wasn't supposed to be at the conference. He said he was traveling through and just stopped to share with us.  But God thought it was just that important that I get to hear the end of the story.  Why was that important?  He feels my heart.  He wanted me to know….He hears.  I don't know if you have ever felt that special.  For the God of ALL to take time out of billions of lives to make sure that you know He hears you-that He loves you.  OH MY WORD-- THAT IS OUR FATHER!!!!!  He really, really, really, does love us that much.  He takes the time and sends me to a conference that I knew nothing about  & wasn't going to go to so that I could randomly hear a man who wasn't supposed to be there speak about something that I heard randomly on the radio 7 months ago and how God has miraculously redeemed that story. I was gloriously set up.  I just..can't..believe..it.  I really can't.  

What else really matters but being heard and loved by God?  I mean, really. 

Floating Back

It's one of those month. You know the kind, where you wake up one day and you can't control the hormones going COMPLETELY out of control.  My poor husband.  He's nothing less than amazing to put up with my hormones when things become..unbalanced. (literally. I dropped 3 things before I left the house this morning. lol.)

Today I cry for no reason.  It's actually a very strange feeling. I am not sad. I don't have regrets. I don't feel stressed. But my hormones say, "cry!" so I guess my body does it.

THIS week we've had 3 contacts from the place we were going to do foster care.  They want to meet with us and hear why we aren't interested anymore.   Which then makes me contemplate why we aren't interested anymore.  I asked Drew this morning on our way to work if he was absolutely sure he didn't want to do it as we are really only one meeting away from finishing our case and then off to Lansing the file would go to get our license approved.  I could feel Peace leaving us even as I asked the question.  I knew the answer.  Even when something appears perfectly ok, if God's Peace isn't there, it's not right.  There's nothing wrong with Foster Care.  We have tons of friends that are doing it, and have adopted this way.  But we want what God wants more than what looks like the logical step for us.  So this week, we deal with that. God could change His mind there, but for now, I'm just letting it go.  I'm learning that seeking for something that has been a desire for so long, is very tiring.  Falling back is scary, but not so tiring.  So would I rather be tired or scared?  

God has given me Peace. Presence. Goodness. Balance. Contentment. Favor. Focus. so many good things He gives. I am more blessed than I ever have been in my life.

As long as I keep letting Him do His thing, and focusing on the things He would have me focus on, and really trusting Him, life is good.  Basically, that means, chill out.

But trust is not easy, it's a decision.  Much like love, sometimes these things we are commanded to do (the suggested best ways to live) are choices we make every day, not things that just happen.

I believe His Word. His Word tells me certain things about my life as a believer. God is GOOD.  He is FAITHFUL. He has given me SO many promises that I can depend on.  So I continue to believe in that which is not yet seen.  Believing that it IS-- because HE said it IS. And His word doesn't come back void. I pray His words to Him declaring what I know is true.  He has goodness for those who love Him.

He IS here.
He IS good.
He IS love.

I don't know why there is unfulfilled desire in each of us. But I know its for a reason. Someone once said , 'to beg God for something is to say we have more mercy than Him'.  I've been sitting on that a bit and really letting that sink into my core.  I don't have to beg God.  He put the desire in me. And to beg Him is me saying, "Clearly God, you don't see how bad I want this.  Don't you care? Don't you see me? Don't you want me to be happy?  Obviously you don't love me or care about my life" etc.  I don't have to beg. He knows. He knows....so if He knows, maybe there is a reason...for all of this...

As these emails and calls come from people who want to help us get a family, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Been there. Been down that road.  Been there too.  Did that.  Tried that.  Had that prayer for me.  And in some ways it feels like I'm falling back into yesterday.  again.  But I'm not. :-)  People just care.  I feel like I'm in one of those air houses falling back.  I'm falling I guess, but it feels more like floating.

Anyway, today feeling not so good, a friend and her 3 precious boys brought me coffee and cookies.  First knocking on my door (only to find out I wasn't there) then driving all the way to my work to deliver not just the coffee and cookie, but hugs, an unsolicited kiss on the hand and a "you look pretty"(from the 4 year old).  This is *love.

I'm going to try to solder something now.  I hope I don't start a fire.  (refer to the section above where I explained I dropped 3 things this morning)

God continues to walk in our journey.  The unseen God showing up in unreal ways.

Thank you Lord.



*lola, ethan, lij, evan

Happy 2012!!!

Yes, here we are! The year of 2012.  I have a feeling lots of amazing things are going to happen this year.  That word amazing can mean many many things.  Sometimes I think in my head that I know what that is going to be.  But in the end, it IS amazing, just in a different way.  The most amazing way to end a year is the same as the most amazing way to begin one, with God's Peace.   A Peace that passes ALL understanding.  I don't get it.  I really don't.   I mean, I don't understand it...Graciously, I DO get it. I don't know why God would protect me from paths that I shouldn't go down yet. But He does.  I don't know why the moment I stop and notice Him that He kisses me.  And that kiss...it lasts.... it makes it ok when I don't understand.

2012

I so want to do so much this year.  The first is the same as it always is.  Find Balance.  I want to grow closer to God.  I want to be better, learn more, cook more, craft more, just enjoy life...more.  I think God smiles when we actually enjoy the life that He has given us.  For each of us that's different.  For some, it's cooking.  Cooking every day.  For others its running.  Running every day.  For others its breathing in the fresh air that leaves give us on an afternoon walk through the ever changing woods.  Oh, how I love al of those things.  I really do.

I've been watching art journal making lately on youtube.  I really feel like I was created to do those.  I can't say that I ever have, but it's on my list of things to do this year ;) .  I like too many things.

I'm putting my craft room together too.  We decided to wait to do Foster Care.  The moment we decided we felt God's PEACE (that one I was just talking about) fall right on us.  It was almost instant.  So we knew we were making the right choice.  So we are once again, waiting on God.  I don't feel the need to push on and try something else.  Not now. But maybe sometime.  We will see.  Right now I'm too busy enjoying spending time with Drew and paying off our debt.  Oh--and dancing to the Wii Just Dance 3.  I suck, but it's still fun.  :)

Ok, I'm going to try to journal more.  Just for me.  This is my month of social sabbatical.  I will explain that in my next post.

until then....

k

Praise through the Pain

It's September.  I guess I didn't do what I thought I would in the last post and post something every day of July.  It was a good idea though.  Oh well.  I miss my mom so much lately.  She gave me a card the year before she died.  I read it almost every day.  It says, "Some people are strong and able to handle tough situations.  You are one of them" and then it tells me to draw from the deep wells of life and that is where my Hope lies.  Each year I feel like I have to dig deeper and deeper.  On the inside of the card she wrote, "I will always be here for you and I love you more than any word I know".  I think it strange (and not so strange) that God had her pick out that specific card and write those words knowing that my life might not be the easiest of roads. I can't imagine she would've had any idea what an impact that card and those words have had on me.  She said it, and so I believe it.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It just helps me get up the next day.

It's been a rough few weeks.  We've been trying to finish our process with going through our home study for foster care.  I've been so stressed about this home study and all that is involved with it.  I've been stressing over questions that I fear the social worker might ask me like "what do you plan on doing with your job after you get a placement?" and "how will you deal with the children once they leave and are re-placed with their birthparents?" and so many other questions that I don't have answers to.  We were also told that our water was too hot.  And our apartment complex wasn't going to let us foster but then decided we could if we sign a paper saying that if they receive ANY noise complaints we will be given a 30 day eviction notice.  (do other parents have to sign one of these? NO!)  Then our Social Worker didn't show up for the meeting that we've been planning and stressing over for the past month.  Nope, she didn't even call.  So I was pretty worried and hoped she was ok.  Then I was angry that she didn't show up.  Then I just cried a lot in frustration that this process is taking so long and is so frustrating.  TRYING TO START A FAMILY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!!!!!  And it isn't for most. But for others, its an uphill battle.  Thats just the way it is.  Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for it.  I'm tired.  I shouldn't have to struggle for something that happens so natural (and sometimes on accident) for others.   It's just not fair.  Somehow I have to get over that.

I didn't want to go to church today.  I didn't want to have to explain why I've been struggling or having a bad week-again.  I didn't want to pretend to be happy.  And I'm tired of feeling frustrated!  I'm tired of waiting and hearing of promises that have been fulfilled for others but knowing that mine still haven't.  I'm tired of fighting to remember that God IS faithful and He WILL answer our prayers and that He HASN'T forgotten us.   It's all a little tiring.  So our social worker re-scheduled for this past Saturday and we stayed home so we could have the meeting to only find out at the meeting that she would have to schedule ANOTHER meeting because she had a dentist appointment that day.  sigh.  What can we do?  I have to remember, God is in control.  He knows what our future family looks like. He is making ALL thing come together for our good and for His Glory.  I'm excited about that.  But this morning at church I just wanted to go away.  I kept hearing 'Praise Him through your Pain.'.  And that is such a weird thing to do.  It's the strangest feeling to KNOW and BELIEVE that God is real, that He IS faithful, that He hasn't forgotten us, that He is good, merciful, kind, full of grace etc., yet not FEEL any of those things.  I told Drew it felt like I was in the fire knowing that flames are all around me and telling myself "It's cold...it's cold...it's cold" so that I could convince my soul and body what my spirit knows to be true.  After I said that I looked down and saw this:

My heart really is sitting so close to that flame, yet not being burned.

When I got home tonight from small group I read a few scriptures that friends had sent me. One was Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

It's cold...it's cold...it's cold....I know I can see the flames and it feels hot but I wont be burned.  Trusting Him.  Praising Him because I KNOW it's right.  Because I KNOW He tells the truth.  A good friend reminded me tonight that all things have to be refined and made perfect and a new thing is being made in God's time to raise our kids in a specific way.  God is so good.  And so I close my eyes, raise my hands and praise Him through my pain.  

Thank you to everyone who loves us and is encouraging us through this season in our lives.  If there is one thing that I know it is that we are deeply loved.  And knowing that gives us so much strength.  

and counting....

Well, here we are, at the brink of 40.  Yes, I'm about to turn my last year of the 30's.  I can't believe it's here already.  I'm not depressed about turning 39, last year I was--until Drew told me I was actually turning 38.  Then I was happy happy happy!  I don't feel depressed this year though and that's good.  I guess I just feel contemplative.  What have I done in my 30's?  Was all that running around the country trying to love people worth it?  And to that I say, "yes, it was".  Even though the past 10 years have been hard, I'm glad to be on this side of some things.  30's was NOT what I expected.

I watch the lady I nanny for and she moves on with life as if it's a storybook.  Her kids are cute.  Her job is great.  They make great money and are moving to a HUGE house (yes, I would say mansion) this weekend...on my birthday.  They deserve it, they've worked hard for what they have.  But at times its hard not to look deeper and explore the concrete truth that she is the same age as me.  And the comparing begins...apartment vs. huge house, temp job vs. high salary executive, zero kids vs. 3 beautiful kids....and the list goes on.  I don't want her life.  I like my life.   Sometimes I just feel "at my age" things should look different.  There should be a house, a permanent job, or even just a DOG, but nope.  We are stuck with our 2 fish and rabbit who has an eye infection.  This is the life we lead.  But I do realize this is the life many of us lead.  It's ok.  I'm happy.  :)

This summer also is the 20th year my parents have been dead.  On July 27 it will be 20 years.  It's very strange to even think about it.  20 years.  It reminds me of when I hear someone say, "Oh, that was like 20 years ago" and I think, "Holy crap! That's a long time!", and it is.  SO much my parents have missed out on.  Well, at least they weren't physically here to help and celebrate.  20 years.  I'm a different person.  I still wish I could squeeze them.  Or better yet, I wish they could squeeze me.  Maybe I will celebrate their life by posting something everyday of July until the 27th about them.  That might bring good memories and life into this "20 year" date lingering over my head.  sigh.....

Here I come 39.  Here I come.

another thursday

I keep telling myself to write more.  But sometimes I feel like writing during depression is so sad.  Well, I guess it is.  But I'm trying to force myself to at least get some things out.  I feel like no one really wants to read about my pity party.  But then I remember there are only a few of you who read this and you love me enough to let me hurt.  For that I love you.

I feel awful and I don't know why.  I HATE reading blogs like this so I usually will just not write anything (except for in my journal) that is sad, disappointing or hopeless.  But you know what? That's not real life.  Real life is CONSUMED with sad, disappointing and hopelessness.  There is a woman that I work with who isn't very happy in her life right now.  But she is a Christian and she feels like she has to be "happy" all the time and pretend that life is good so that others will see Christ in her and want that. So I watch her every day work at putting a smile on her face and seem happy.  I know sometimes we have to do that.  I guess I'm not there.  I want others to know Jesus, but not at the expense of being real.  Real feelings sometimes aren't happy.  Real feelings sometimes have to be yelled out at the top of your lungs so God can hear them.  Real feelings create energy for creativity to flow.  Real feelings suck.

I left Drew today to go run errands with a girlfriend.  He was filling out 25 pages of paperwork for the OCS so that we might one day become licensed to do foster adoption.  He is answering questions like, "What are your last 5 addresses" and "In 2 sentences explain your relationship with your parents" and "How do you handle your money"  and " What are your forms of disciplining children" and "What schools would your children be attending" and "What race, age, how many children and what handicaps are you willing to accept" and on and on it goes.....  Not to mention our having to give them copies of every bank statement we have and every important document we've ever needed.  All of this just for fostering, not even for adopting.  It's tiring.  And I don't feel excited about any of it.  I know it's the wisest choice, but again, I don't feel excited about any of it.  I sometimes wonder if I even really want kids.  Maybe it's just too much work.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe I wont make a good mother.  Maybe...maybe...maybe.....

I left Drew to fill his portion of that out and I went to hang with a best friend that is pregnant.  It's hard.  I love her.  I love her baby.  But that doesn't take away the fact that it is hard for me to be with her.  And I'm mad that it's hard.  I'm mad that I can't throw her a baby shower because I can't handle it.  I'm mad that I can't hardly talk about it.  I'm mad that I can't be the kind of friend that I want to be and that I am.  I'm mad that I have to feel this way and go through all that I have to go through.  I'm mad that I feel so alone in this.  I'm mad that there are others that have to do the same.  I'm mad that some parents have children that have disabilities that will live with them forever. I'm mad about all of that.            And yet, they have children.  And I have a husband.  And my single friends have jobs and parents.  It's meaningless to look around and compare.  I know this and that's why I try not to do it.  But it's hard when it's the subject at hand--over and over and over again.  I can only hide in my room for so long.  I just feel run down.

I think it would help if I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I feel I've lost passion for the things I love.  Clearly I have some sort of passion for injustice, but for leisure things I just have no energy.  I'm trying to get out of this house and take walks and breathe.  Some days that happens.  Some not.  My amazing sister just told me, "Just take the next step".  I do like that advice.  But I'm not sure what the next step is.  And frankly, I'm not quite done with my pity party tantrum.

sorrow

I feel like crying tonight.  It is strange.  I was in our first choir rehearsal at church tonight and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to cry.  I AM depressed, I do know this.  But I can't figure out how to push through and be content.

"Why so downcast o my soul? Put your hope in God"

I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I don't feel like my life has TRUE meaning.  Isn't that weird?  I even find that a strange sentence, but it's how I feel right now.  Being busy hasn't given me meaning.  Nor has sitting still.  I keep praying for God to speak to me but He has chosen silence.  Well--except for the hundreds of random hearts I see all day long that he showers me with.  I know, I know, its special.  It is special.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm not forgotten.  I know all of this.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of knocking only to find one more door closed.  I told my friend the other day I don't think I'm a fighter.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I told her maybe I just don't want to be a mom bad enough.  Or maybe I wouldn't make a good mom.  Maybe we never were meant to be parents.  I'm feeling pretty inadequate.

And I wonder why it has to be in my thoughts all the time.  I hate it. Yet I can't get rid of it.  And every time I do have sanity for a moment I get an email from a teen who needs advice on how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.  Or I find out that yet another one of my close friends is having ANOTHER baby.  Did I mention I'm tired?

We are trying to push through and go with our only option, foster care/adoption.  It's not our first choice.  But then I hate any process that makes you 'choose' a child.  I hate the paperwork and the personal questions.  I hate having to figure out and explain where my hypothetical teen will go to school 13 years before I even have one. I hate having to prove that I'm a good person and get letters from friends, family, co-workers, pastors, and my dog to agree with me.  I wonder why getting pregnant it's so hard for some, yet a once mistake for a teen?

Madness. sorrow.

I hate talking to moms sometimes.  Many of my friends are moms.  Most of them are understanding and don't treat me like I'm an ignorant 20 year old, but every once in awhile someone will give me that "well-that's what's it's like to be a mom and you don't know that because you aren't one" face.   Basically I want to punch them. In the name of Jesus of course.

I just want direction.  I hate feeling lost without a goal.  After Hawaii I felt maybe we should try to adopt again and just get more agressive about it.  But, so much money.  So expensive.  Friends of ours told me they had decided to adopt last June.  They found the money.  They just got picked and will have a baby in their home by May.  I wont.  Maybe because I'm not aggressive.  Or maybe its just not my turn.

We've prayed.
We've done accupuncture.
We've seen holistic Dr's.
We've looked into adoption.
We've tried  fertility treatments.
We've prayed more.
Now, we are on to foster care.

I feel sorrow.  and I dont know why.  Maybe I feel sorrow for the unfairness in the world.  That there are people who have had an extremely hard life and yet life doesn't let down and their misfortune continues into adulthood.  It's not fair that the world is a broken place where some waste food several times a day and others don't have any.  It's not fair that some people, maybe even your neighbor, have never heard 'I love you' or felt love from another person.  It's not fair that even though you try and try and try sometimes you still dont end up winning.  Life sometimes just isn't fair.  Unfairness will come.  It does come.  So when it does, how are we going to react to it?

I know I have to move past this unfairness.  I'm actually surprised to see that I haven't.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that never stops.  I feel great and then not.  I feel content and then not.  I feel like we can do it and then not. It reminds me of when my parents past away.  I would wake up in the morning and remember, 'oh yeah, they are dead'.  Then I would cry and get up and start my day.  Sorrow didn't last forever then, and it wont last forever now.

I'm trying.  I'm getting up everyday and trying. I guess for now that's the best I can do.

God is not a liar.

No, He's not.  Waiting....waiting...waiting....

Another one of God's kisses

Nope, no new word on the family front.  Drew was telling me he was trying to blog today but it seems there are too many things to say and he ran out of time.  I agree.  This is the reason for my 2 blog entries today.

God is revealing...uh sorry, downloading things to us and basically these things cause us to be overwhelmed, squashed and humbled.  I've been feeling 'whatever' about our current situation in life.  Our goal=get a family.  But we need better jobs to afford it.  So, our goal=get better jobs.  But we can't get better jobs unless God gives them to us.  So, our goal=get God to give us better jobs and a family.  sigh.  I haven't found the secret to get God to do something.  Nor do I want to.  The thought was brought up last night during prayer, -let Gods will be good enough.

Is it? Is God's will good enough for my life?  If this is it, would that be good enough?  selah indeed.

For whatever reason last night our prayer group just had a time of repentance.  When was the last time you repented of anything?  I never do.  It was strange because from 5 min. into our quiet time I started crying for repentance.  Then that was what we were going to be praying about later. We spent 2 hours repenting our guts out for lack of honoring Him, lack of respect, no trust, wrong theology etc.  It was a good personal time with God.  God knows what He's doing.  Having a realization of my sin or smallness is so good for me.  It forces my pride to bow to the King of Kings.  It pushes out anything that is flesh.  By the end of the night I was just thankful to be loved by God.  I'm thankful to feel His peace and recognize He IS in control if I let Him be.  He WILL and IS taking care of me.  I honestly didn't think of children at all.  It wasn't about that.  It was just me and The Father.  So, so good.

Then I walked to the car.

On the way to the car someone from the group came up to me and said, "Kat, I feel God wants me to tell you 1 Samuel 1.  Hannah.  I don't know why".   sigh.  I can't get away from it.  God constantly wants me to know He is in charge and that He hasn't forgotten.  I KNOW GOD--I GET IT!  If you haven't read 1 Samuel lately, it's all about how Hannah was barren.  She was at the temple crying "out of my deep anguish and grief" when the priest spoke over her and soon after this she conceived.  She told God she would dedicate this baby to Him.  And she did.  I've always told God I would raise my children strongly in the Lord.  How could I not?  Of all the years and dozens of times we have received scriptures and words from people, I've never received 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah.  I like Hannah.  A woman of her word who loved God.  I'm not sure of God's purpose for giving me a scripture last night.  It came from an uncommon source who didn't know my story.  But I do know this, God loves me deeply.  And I love that He continues to kiss me with His words.  

God's downloads.

Lately I've been hearing the phrase, "God has really been downloading some stuff to me".  I think that comment is very funny.  It makes me think we are in the Matrix and at any point during the day God can just flip a switch and we know how to control a helicopter.  But I guess when God gives you a new revelation it is sort of like that.  The hope is that God will in some way open our eyes, our hearts eyes, see God and change our ways.  Or at the very least recognize His love and live differently.  Well, God has been downloading into me lately.  Here is something from a few days ago.

Drew and I were praying and Drew was reminding God of what He promised us and gently nudging Him to fulfill these promises.  "Remember us God? Remember that we are waiting for you? We are waiting for breakthrough with jobs, remember?  And I'm not sure if you've looked around our house, but we don't have those children you promised.  Maybe it was just an overlook on your part, I mean, since you promised it and all. "  These weren't Drew's exact words, but it has been the spirit in which we pray lately.  Don't get me wrong, God has blessed us SO much lately.  He has provided for our bills in September by somehow taking a little and making it enough!  And we even, somehow by the Grace of God and I'm still not sure how, were able to pay for 4 new tires that we needed.  (It's weird how your car actually feels new when you can't feel every crack in the road for lack of tread. God is good!)  So, yes, He has been at work.  But those big breakthroughs--those that bring us stability and make us feel normal, those He keeps from us.  But as we were praying, I stopped Drew.  I told him, I didn't feel like we needed to remind God of His promises and here's why.

If we trusted Him we wouldn't keep asking.

I pay the bills for our family.  When we first got married I was in accounting.  I'm better with money than Drew.  He could do it, but this is just how we've decided to do it.  I agreed to make sure they are taken care of.  Drew knows this.  He knows that every month I'm going to pay the rent, electric, gas, cable, credit cards, car insurance bills etc. He trusts that every month I will write those check.  He trusts me.  He doesn't come to me on the 15th and say, "Uh, Kat, it's the 15th.  Have you paid the electric bill?".  He knows I will do it.  Mostly because I said I would and he trusts me.  So, why is it that when God says He will provide for us and give us strength when we need it, we question Him?

It's almost like we are saying, "Prove it to me God.".  Oh man.  The God of creation who knew me before I was in my mothers womb, who created ALL things, who guides me and holds everything in His hands, who is the same yesterday, today and forever stands looking at me and smiles with compassion at my immaturity. Or at least I hope He's smiling.  My constant reminders about what HE said have to seem ridiculous to Him.  It's almost like He's saying, "I KNOW what I said.  I SAID IT!  I TRUST and BELIEVE what I said, do you?"  Sadly, when I really thinking about it I have to respond with, no, I guess I don't.

Jesus told Peter that he was going to deny him 3 times the night he was betrayed. Peter responded, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Matt. 26:35.  Basically Peter told Jesus he was a liar. A harsh statement, but still true.  What's the difference between Peter and me?  I allow fear to root itself in my heart because I don't know my future and I'm basically telling God He and His word are a bunch of lies. I'm telling Him He can't handle it, He's too weak, He doesn't know or understand my situation and He obviously doesn't care because He does nothing to fix it.  But God is more than a carpenter.  He's not there just to fix my brokenness, although He does do that.  He wants me to be strong-made for something durable.  I've said before sometimes life hurts so bad all you feel is Jesus.  And I think that's the point.  We need to get to a place where God can actually rule.  A place where He is allowed to touch us.  Sometimes that means waiting.

God is gracious.  I'm unbelievably grateful for His grace and His Mercy.  I don't deserve it, but He lavishes it anyway.  He loves anyway.  He heals anyway.  He provides despite my lack of.  He loves deeply and persists on surrounding me with His glory.  He truly is an amazing God.  Even if I'm not expecting Him to be.

blogs, buttons & babies

Who knew buttons were so hard to put on your blog.  Well, maybe it's not supposed to be hard, but for some reason I missed the boat on how to do it.  So now I have 2 HUGE buttons that you can push if you are interested.  One for the ministry.  One for the awesome teen magazine I've described below.

So, I met a new Dr. yesterday.  She is amazing, very direct.  I went just to meet her and make sure it's who I wanted to use for all my woman needs.  My current Dr. is a bit of a drive, so I was looking for someone closer.  After meeting this new Dr. she asked me lot of questions about our past. She ended up explaining a few more options we have as far as infertility testing.  She seemed very positive and told me we need to be aggressive in pursuing children and at the very least find the bottom line.  She wants to run a few tests and just see how my levels are.  I kinda just sat there with my mouth open not knowing what to say.  I wasn't there to discuss fertility treatments, but I found myself listening to her and agreeing, maybe we should.  Maybe we should at least hear our options.  She understood our past.  She understands our present.  But she also wants a future family for us and believes it's possible.  It was a good feeling.  It was a weird feeling.  It's not often you feel like you meet someone who understands what you're going through.  Still not feeling 'hopeful' necessarily, but at least it's another door to explore.

I don't know which way God wants to use to bring our family to us.  I wasn't expecting to go back into fertility stuff.  sigh.  We haven't given up on adoption yet.  I missed a call today from another agency.  I have a few questions about income requirements etc.  I just hope for God to lead us.  We want what He wants and we will just keep moving forward and moving where He directs.  Just this morning I was reading Philippians 3

12 But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Yes, forgetting what is behind.  Pressing forward.  Not knowing what that looks like is the scary part, but baby steps.  Drew and I are looking for part/full time jobs.  Really just anything that would give us enough income to cause some sort of stability to happen in our lives.  It will happen. It must.  So for now, one day at a time.  God first.  Faith.  Joy.  Love.  Intimacy.  Sacrifice of self.  My face shining with His face.  Then jobs, babies, house/cabin, dog, and any cheese I want to buy.

Blooming

I've been looking around for places to submit some of my writings and during that search I came across a new teen magazine

Bloom Magazine

They asked me to write a column called "Ask Kat" where basically I would answer questions that teen girls have.  It makes me smile, so I said yes.  You can subscribe at the website.  It's a wonderful start for a girl who wanted to see more options out there for Christian girls. It's run all by teen girls (except me) and if you know anyone who would be interested in reading or benefiting from good, wholesome teen girl stuff send them that way.  Enjoy!

Steps to get there

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to title this entry. I can't figure it out. I just see myself eating day old popcorn and watching re-runs of Iron Chef all night. I'm tired. It feels like no matter which way we turn we have opposition. Another week has gone by and my plants are dead and frozen and still no jobs for us. We are trying to stay hopeful, but things keep going backwards instead of forwards. I refuse to stay stuck but no matter how hard I try to shake loose I get more stuck.

It reminds me of when I was young and got my car stuck in the mud. Not understanding that if I give the car gas the tires will turn and turn but wont go anywhere despite my efforts. As a matter of fact I ended up more stuck. I had to find something solid to put under those tires; A piece of wood, rocks, sand, something solid. Maybe that's what I'm missing, my solid piece. I feel solid in my spiritual life. God is MOVING in AMAZING ways. Every Sunday I'm caught up with Jesus. Last Sunday people were actually healed, I witnessed it! As people were being healed a woman came up and said she felt like she was supposed to pray over my womb. So she did, and the next thing I know I'm on the floor laughing for 20 minutes. I know, weird. But the whole time I kept thinking of Sarah and how she laughed too. Then after church that same woman told me while I was laughing she kept hearing 'just like Sarah'. Every person I've shared that with said that's what they were thinking while I'm telling the story.

Yesterday I started spotting. All of this while trying to adopt and being told we don't qualify for certain kinds of adoption. HELLO-WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! But regardless of my physical world right now, God continues to show up in spiritual ways. Why do these things happen to me? To what benefit are they happening? To know God has a plan for me and He will take care of me and give me peace, love and fulfillment is an unbelievable gift. One that I don't feel I take for granted. But even though I love all of that, I still have to work. I still have to pay bills. I still long for children and for God to make a way to them. I still have a husband that feels the pressure of all of these things as well. I'm frustrated with waiting and trying to walk across bridges that collapse 1/2 way in my walk. I feel like I'm getting encouragement in all the wrong places. God, what are you doing? I know you're there, but do you know I'm here? Do you see the entire picture? I see the closed doors, but could you please show us some open ones?

Sigh, I guess once again we will put one foot in front of the other and pray that one day it will lead us home.

What joy do I bring?

Yesterday I was doing my devotional and it was on mutual love in marriage. The scripture was taken from Ephesians 5-6 and basically highlighted our respect and honor we should have for one another. I agreed with the parts that told me to yield because I respect Christ. I also agreed with the part that told my husband he was to love me as he loves himself. Then they took a portion from Proverbs

Be happy with the wife you married when you were young.
She gives you joy as your fountain gives you water.
She is as lovely and graceful as a deer.
Let her love always make you happy;
let her love always hold you captive.
My son, don't be held captive by a woman who takes part in adultery.
Don't hug another man's wife.

Proverbs 5:18-20

As I read this I thought, "Yeah! Be happy with me! Look how awesome I am. You should hold me captive. Stop looking at other women! Look at me! Look at me! I'm amazing!". But then I reread what it says. "She gives you joy...she is lovely...graceful...let her love make you happy..." then I wondered, do I give him joy? Does my attitude from morning to evening burst with something, ANYTHING to bring my husband JOY? Oh man, sadly my answer is far from yes.

I don't make it easy for him. I don't feel joyful, so how can I bring him joy? I recall Drew telling me one time that he loves to watch me speak from stage. I'm all lit up and he sees Christ working in me. I'm confident and strong. And I realized, I'm at my loveliest when I am in Christ.

Even when I'm in a season of dry desert blah-ness, I know I can still look and smell lovely in Christ. But I can only have that covering, that wrapping of Jesus if I spend time with Him. I must allow Him to calm me, bring me peace, whisper truth to me. The truth that He loves me. And He has a plan and purpose for me. That this isn't the end, there is more coming. Even if I sit for 5 min. it makes a difference.

In Christ we find out who we are and what it is we are living for" Eph. 1:11.

It's not my job to bring my husband joy, but it is my job to allow Christ to BE my joy. And in turn, Drew sees that and not only finds rest but encouragement. He drinks in that joy as a fountain that gives him water and in turn, is more than happy with the wife he married when he was young.

burned and peeling

This past weekend was wonderful.  D & I went up north with friends to the most unbelievable lake.  I'm not really a lake girl, but this lake and the time spent there felt like I was on a tropical island.  It was so peaceful and relaxing.  The water was tropical blue and the lake was so clear I could see the bottom at 20 feet beneath me.  I needed to get away.

I keep trying to hear God speak, but He seems to be pretty silent with me as of late.  I'm trying to find a job which comes with lots of questions about who I am, what kind of job I can get while working with otb, where does God want me to work, and on and on.

I got burned this past weekend on my face.  Today it's peeling.  It's so annoying to get burned.  It hurts, it's flaking all over and my skin is hot and tight.  I realize this only lasts for a few days, but those few days are so annoying.  I feel like this is my life right now.  Just sort of flaky and annoying.  Unsure of whether I want to work full time or part time.  Get a meaningful job or a non-meaningful one.  LOTs of questions up in the air.  Today I got 3 job offers.  Can you even believe that? None of them are a sure thing, but I'm not sure which way to go.  Hopefully something will surface and I will make a choice.

I'm trying to do research on publishing a book.  I have it mostly written but not sure where to go from here.  Everything seems really big to me right now.  sigh.