Mashed Potatoes and Nutty Bars

So sorry for my lateness in writing another post.  I seemed to have gained a love for sleep the past few weeks and so that is what I've been doing.  The roughest time of the day is 2:30pm - 8 then 8:30-12. You get the idea.

It's only been one week and 4 days since I heard that cute little heartbeat and I must say it wasn't really until this week that I started to feel like it's real.  Even though I know I heard that heartbeat.  It's such a strange thing.  I'm officially 8 weeks and 6 days-ish today. But I'm sure all of that will change when he measures the baby again. Baby stuff is weird.  I've been feeling good though.  Just a few cravings here and there.  Yes, mashed potatoes and nutty bars.  No, not together, that's gross. But I'm feeling pretty normal.  I do have slight tugging and pulling at times down there which is strange. I'm sure it's just things growing but its odd.  And I do have to pee like every 20 minutes, but I am drinking a lot of water.  I guess I'm doing pretty good.  OH--the dreams...I've had some crazy ones so far.  I've dreamt I had 3 very long horrible boobs. And I kept trying to figure out why I had 3 and what the heck I was supposed to do with them!  (sorry uncles, it's true and it was horrible!) I've dreamt I was trying to take a shower but every time I would step in my clothes would be back on.  And some I can't even write cuz they were that strange. Some pretty weird stuff.

We went for a visit to see Kari and fam. It was so good to see them. When mom and dad died, Kari took some of mom's yarn from the sewing room.  Mom used to crochet or knit blankets all the time.  Well, several years ago Kari ended up giving it to a woman she worked with at the time because she thought she could use it more than Kari could.  When Kari had Jonathan's baby shower that woman gave her a baby blanket knitted with the yarn that was moms.  When we went to visit Kari & fam last week she gave that blanket to me and said it's like a part of mom is with me now.  I burst into tears (as I am now) and I'm so thankful for having such a wonderful sister who would be willing to share such a special gift with me.  I sleep with it next to me knowing my mom is smiling. And knowing my baby has a gift from Grandma Jane.


It's been a pretty emotional week.

Honestly, the thing I've been thinking about most is how God loves me. I mean, seriously. I was totally content with God before baby. He's given me so much in my life including Himself.  I am so totally humbled to think He would look deep into my desires and gently give life to it.  It is overwhelming.

Someone had asked the significance of the heart in my ultrasound and so I thought I would share that story.

Several years ago Drew and I were going through a very rough time in our marriage.  The kind that most don't make it through.  We had our mornings at home so we would get up and go for morning walks.  One morning I woke up and was feeling so depressed and completely broken.  Drew told me for some reason he felt like God wanted to give me His heart.  Drew thought it was strange, but that's what God kept bringing to his mind to tell me.  I honestly didn't care what Drew or God had to say to me and I wasn't interested in God's cryptic messages.  So we got up that morning and went for our morning walk.  During our walk Drew said again, "I know it's strange but I really feel like God wants to give you His heart".  I rolled my eyes and then looked at the ground and this is what I saw:

Interesting.

I thought, 'that's weird.' and I picked it up and kept walking.  Drew of course thought that was awesome.  haha.  Well, since that day, God has continued to give me His heart.  First I would see hearts that were random paper on the ground or something common like that.  It was weird because I started seeing them everywhere.  It started to get a bit strange.

I started taking pictures of them and now have thousands of pictures.  I'm in the process of uploading them to a new site called, LiveDifferentLiveLoved.com   I share this story with lots of people and talk about how God is trying so hard to get our attention, but we are missing Him.  He's in the everyday but we pass right by.  It's like He is saying, "I love you.  I love you. I love you." But we are not seeing it. We are too busy.  We just keep living.  Without Him.

I told this story to a group and a woman came up to me afterwards and said, "You live differently when you live loved".  She was right. She was so right. Ever since then I've been trying to wrap my brain around why God loves me so much.  Why He not only gave his son to die so that I can be free to live as His daughter in His kingdom, but that He LONGS to spend time with me and He LONGS to see me succeed and laugh and have Joy and Peace and just be..happy!  He has been overwhelming me my whole life with how He loves me.  It's really pretty hard to believe.  But I know it's true. I know He does love me.  And it has made me live differently.

You can see some of the pictures of the hearts at this site: http://livedifferentliveloved.com/.  I'm still uploading pics, it's taking a lot of time. :)

God is so good.

Laura and I are speaking at a retreat this weekend so if you think about it please pray for us.  It's in the UP of Michigan, far from home.  I'm not worried, but I wish I wasn't going so far away. I kinda like staying close to home in my 9 weeks growing a baby life.  But God ordained this program, so I know I will be ok and that God will be present, change lives (even mine) and keep us safe.  Besides, he gave us this...

and then this.....

He is so so so good.

There was only ONE Jesus, just sayin

Ok, so we along with most of you thought for SURE there would be at least twins.  I was extremely nervous as you all know.  But I was nervous for many reasons.  I was nervous because I wasn't sure anything was going on down there.  And then we saw something moving.  It was the heart. A strong heart. A heart that I've been waiting my whole life to see.  A heart that God has allowed to be released from Heaven to come and join us for as long has He wills.  A heart that looks like God, beats like God and is strong like God.  I never, ever, ever thought I would see that heart.  But today, I did.  I just can't believe it.  No denying now (Anna, I'm at 100% belief now!), we are having a baby.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  God is so good to us! I'm so glad Drew video taped it, or I might feel like it never happened.  I might feel like it was a dream.  Well, it is a dream, one that I've been waiting to be a part of for a long, long time.

Now I know you were all guessing high numbers.  I was too.  And I am disappointed, shocked and sad to only see ONE beautiful heartbeat today.  The dr. saw some fluid next to the other sac and he thought that might be what they call a vanishing twin.  Basically, it's an embryo that started to implant but didn't make it. So I do mourn the idea of knowing that there was a moment of twinness in my life.  Everyone loves multiples.  They are just fun.  Drew and I have always thought we would have twins.  Probably 10 people have had dreams that we would have twins. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity for God to allow that to happen.  It's a miracle that we are pregnant.  God is so good. Twins would be a miracle too, but as Drew said earlier today, "this is just the beginning of our family and it's a strong start".  He is so right and that makes me smile.  I have to remember that it's ok to mourn the loss of something that might have been.  I'm completely sentimental in normal life, then ramp that up by 1000 because of hormones and this seems overwhelming to me.  HOWEVER - I also am reminded that it is amazing that I am pregnant at all.  Here are the stats for a successful IVF:

• 30 to 35% for women under age 35
• 25% for women ages 35 to 37
• 15 to 20% for women ages 38 to 40
• 6 to 10% for women ages over 40

6-20% - That's out of 100% people!  God doesn't work on numbers, but I want to post what a low chance this procedure was for us.  I overheard the nurses talking the day of my transfer.  They were telling each other that IVF almost never works the first time.  That the dr's have to figure out what meds work on you etc. and this can take time.  God doesn't work on the advice of others.  Or on stats. He works on His plan.  His timing.  And this is His plan for us, in this exact moment in time, and it's amazing.

I wrote the title "There was only ONE Jesus" because it's true.  There was only one.  There was only one Moses. There was only one Isaac. There was only one John the Baptist. Only one Mother Theresa and it only takes one to change the world. 

We are blessed.  We are excited.  It's time to rejoice, there's another Smith coming into the world. 

Here we go!

Ok everyone, I'm off to bed. Then I will wake.  Then I will go find out many answers.  Then I will blog again for the GRAND REVEAL!


Until tomorrow......

36 hours to go

Well, the excitement is growing! In almost 36 hours we will be in a room with the doctor getting a lot of questions answered!  I have to admit I'm more nervous than excited. I think I will be excited AFTER the appointment.  Mostly I just want to know that something really IS going on down there and that all is well.  I've been told my fears are normal.  I don't know if they are normal or not but I've been praying safety, love, growth, God's breath, and peace over all 3 embies hoping that they are no longer embies but they are now forming hearts, heads, legs & arms (flippers), eye and ear sockets and so many more intricate things that God is forming.  I'm asking for perfection.

I'm learning a new definition of fear.

I've done many fearful things in my life. I bungie jumped one time. I was scared out of my pants, but I just closed my eyes and as it took my breath away on the way down I knew it would be ok.  I knew somehow that I would bounce back on that cord.  I've gotten a few tattoo's.  Not that I was afraid to do it, but once you're in that chair there's no going back. I've sat there for at least an hour in pain trying to go to a happy place in my head until it's over.  My dad scared me once so bad that I ran all the way upstairs to my room and hid under my covers crying. I never look out the windows at night.  These days I try to stay away from things that scare me.  I don't go to haunted houses in October.  I don't watch scary movies.  I hardly watch CSI if I think it's going to put things in my head that will scare me later. Today I woke up so emotional.

In my heart of hearts I feel everything is ok, but I have a little fear that something might not be ok, although I have NO evidence (and MUCH evidence of the opposite) to back that fear up.  GOD IS FAITHFUL!  Talk about believing something that you can't even see. (Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being confident of what we can't even see! Heb.1:11) Although I have that little weed of fear that everything is ok, I also have fears of other things.  I am about to be responsible for 1-? little babies at the same time.  I've been around babies for a long time.  I've taken care of Laura's kids like they were my own.  But that's just it, they aren't my own. When they are sick she takes them to the doctor.  Ultimately I don't have to think about that at all.  But now I do. It's my responsibility to make sure they are fed good food (even now!), clothed, holy, happy and on and on it goes.  I do believe this is the beginning of me taking care of something that's completely out of my control. I can see now why wisdom is so important. I remember one of my friends Montina had a premie baby many years ago. He was only a few days old and was starting to choke on some guck that was still from the birth. (I don't know about any of that, sorry I can't explain it better)  I remember feeling FREAKED out because I didn't know what to do. But she just picked him up and sucked it out with that sucker thing like she'd been doing it her whole life.  THAT is scary to me. I know these fears might sound stupid, but I really really do pray that I'm able to be a good parent.  I know I'm going to screw something up, but I really really don't want to. I really want to do everything right.

I'm hoping I will feel a bit better on Friday after our appointment. I know God prepares us for the seasons He calls us to. I know it will be ok.  I know I'm not alone. I know I woke up this morning happy and 5 minutes later I was crying and 5 minutes later I was mad and then 5 minutes later laughing again and then I wanted more orange juice. Yes, hormones have kicked in FULL force. I guess it's all a part of the process.  I feel like there is a giant timer set for 9 months and we are down to less than 8 to go which seems like forever and sometimes I'm thankful. I need time. I gotta believe this is real.  I hope somewhere along this journey to birthing babies that I find Wisdom. I pray she blesses me and gives me all that I need.

One thing is for sure, I have plenty of mom's around me to ask for help. I know I'm not alone. And for that I am very thankful.

Boy this was a downer post.  haha.  Anyone want to guess how many babies are growing inside me? So far Karen from work said 2 (1 girl and 1boy) and Jennie from work says 3 (2g 1b) I thought about doing a raffle or something to raise money for diapers, but I guess it's too late for that.

What's your guess?         What's your guess? 

Everything smells bad

Week 6 day 1 ....and I didn't feel the best today. I slept in a bit and didn't shower so that always makes me feel yucky to begin with. We decided to take out Christmas stuff down today which ended up being a feat since I got tired every 5 seconds.  Needless to say I have the best husband who did a TON of work today while I tried to help here and there.  5 days till ultrasound!  I'm praying in baby steps meaning this week my goal is to get to Friday. Every time I feel a bit strange in my belly I sit down and pray. Today I prayed because something didn't feel right.  Then I pooped.  HA! Maybe that was an answer to prayer, but I'm analyzing every little anything that happens down there. I guess that's normal - so they say.

This week the embryo doesn't look much like an embryo anymore! This week it will be the size of a lima bean and grow flippers for future legs and arms. It begins to have holes for ears as well as the heart starts beating. It's really hard to believe that is happening inside of me. But it's true, so I'm continuing to pray through the process that each part of their body is created perfectly in the image of God.

I've been super tired this weekend. I've resolved to believe that I crave orange juice, even though it seems strange to admit to craving anything. Also today everything stank. Our hallway smelled of smoke (our neighbor smokes), our closet smelled like I don't even know what and certain foods just made me want to throw up.  Oh man, super spidey smelling senses isn't normal for sure.

I went to a ninja birthday party on Friday for Ryan and Laura's little Elijah.  Aunt Nancy & Mandy made these:

I was SO thankful to have a little sushi..even if it was fake. mmmmmm sushi.....

So life has been moving at a slow pace. I'm enjoying the slow pace as I'm beginning to realize this is the last season of my life I might feel this, at least for awhile. But there's so much good in each season.  I'm so thankful for each of them. But I still want Friday to come faster. :)  Now back to drinking 100 more of these....

SIGH - something is GROWING!

It's been a few day since I've written.  I thought the 2 week wait until the first BETA (official) test was hard, but this is totally different.  During that time we had Christmas and family to hang out with. This 2 weeks between the official blood test and the ultrasound have been challenging!  I've received a few wonderful books from friends that are telling me exactly where I am in pregnancy, but no matter how many times I read it, week 5 is still week 5 and until 7 days go buy, it's still week 5!!!!

I've been doing pretty good over all.  The last few days I've felt pretty "normal" which had caused me to freak out a little.  I have NO reason to freak out, but I've been sore since the retrieval and feeling normal just seems like it wasn't...well...normal.  So I had a blood test this morning even though I didn't really need one. But it helped break up the 2 weeks before my ultrasound. I'm glad I did it.  I went on a website last night and read how some women can have a false positive that is just chemical.  I knew that was possible, but to read it just made me nervous again. So I was thankful to just talk to the nurse today.  She called me in the late afternoon with the results.  My BETA number is 23,593!!! She told me this was a very good number and that things are growing wonderfully!  It made me feel so good to hear her say things are well.  She also told me that chemical positives are possible, but usually they become more aware of those when the numbers are small and not growing.  But she said I absolutely do not need to worry about that.  And that if I had anything to be concerned about she would tell me for sure.  They like patients to be aware of all possibilities if something seems off.  But she said everything with my case is going great. DEEP BREATH...and release.

All is well.

Tomorrow we are at 6 Weeks!!!! We are 1/2 way through the first trimester.  So strange. I guess I should start believing this is happening soon.  :)

I told Drew this morning that nothing is different yet and he started laughing.  He said first of all I'm drinking orange juice like crazy and we never have orange juice in the house.  That was sort of true. But I can't drink coffee really (and it secretly doesn't taste that good to me HOLY CRAPPERS WHATS GOING ON?), so orange juice just sounds so amazing.  Secondly he said I'm emotional, and I'm really happy lately. I wasn't sure why THAT is different, but that's what he said.  He also said I'm overly tired, which is true.

So here we go week 6.  One more week and we get to hear a few heartbeats. Then it will be real. For. Sure.

Thank you to everyone who is still reading and praying for me. You have no idea how much Peace I'm feeling and I believe it's because of your love and prayers that God is blessing.  Love you all! I will probably blog again tomorrow as there are a few things I want to share about my journey.  Until then...

Mom says hello

Friday was a pretty emotional day for me.  It was the first time in a long time that I really missed my mom. I realized that I had shared the news with so many people, but obviously wasn't able to share with her.  I talked to a few of my aunts and it was nice to hear their encouraging words and how she would be so happy.  It did help, but nothing could take the place of telling your mom that she would finally be a grandma of my kids.  I am blessed (very very blessed) to have Sweet Lou in my life and she has been one of the most amazing, encouraging and loving mother-in-laws I could imagine.  I don't even like calling her a mother-in-law because she is so deserving of a greater title than that.  But I was wishing there was a way for my mom to know, for her to be excited with all of us, for her to rejoice for the time that has come.

I had my second blood test on Saturday morning.  I slept in a bit and made it there just in time.  I'm allowed to come in between 7-8:30 am.  Please, it's Saturday, like I'm going to wake up at 6 for a 5 minute blood draw.  I was in a good mood, not feeling too stressed etc. but still strangely crying in the waiting room.  It's very hard to believe I'm pregnant, but I'm praying for my embies/babies even though it doesn't seem real.  I was praying that the numbers would be higher to show they are growing.  I like the nurse that was drawing my blood that morning.  She drew my blood another time and did a good job.  She told me she thought I would make a good mother and she was excited for us.  It was nice.  On my way in to get the blood draw I saw the doctor.  I wasn't scheduled to see him so that was a nice surprise.  He gave me a big smile and a high five.  "Look at that, it worked!", I said.  He responded with, "Now lets hope there's not a litter in there".  He said my numbers were high and he is proud of me.  I got my blood drawn and was making my appointment when the doctor came out again.  He gave me a hug and said he was so excited for us.  He asked me how I was feeling and I told him he was a great doctor.  Which he is.  Even if it wouldn't have worked, he is a good doctor.

The nurse tried to explain how the due date works for IVF and I'm still confused on how they count. But I'm hoping the ultrasound will clear any of that up.  My appointment for the ultrasound which includes hearing the heart beats and finding out how many will be January 19th.  Seems like a lifetime away, but it's just the week after next and I will have another blood draw this thursday to basically help the time go by. The nurse said I don't have to have another blood draw, but I decided I wanted one just to make sure things are still ok. She told me I would be under their care until my second ultrasound, then I would "graduate" to my normal OBGYN.  I really really like my OB, but it will be sad that I can't see this all the way with Dr. B.  I do feel thankful to like both doctors.  I know that's not always the case.  The nurse told me I needed to make my appointment now for my first appt. with my OB. She said if I wait till I'm released I might have to wait another 2 weeks to get in. So I'm calling tomorrow to make the appt. for the week of Feb. 11th.  So crazy.

So, I got my blood results and my HCG had grown to 4633!!!!  Nurse said this was a VERY good number and she said all of my levels look great.  I was SO thankful.  I guess it made it a little more real to me.  Each day it gets a little more real.  And that's a good thing.  We told a few more people at church today.  It's still a little nerve racking to let so many people know, but we are believing GOODNESS and PROTECTION on/in/over/through/around my womb.  So, we celebrate with one another. It's such a good thing.

When I got the number of our second test, I almost started crying.  I know this is going to sound weird, but my Aunt Irene had written me and encouraged me to pay attention to the small things that are happening around me.  I wrote that number down 4633 and was stunned. My home phone number growing up was 463-3342.  I really felt like God was allowing me to get a little hug from my mom.  I felt like He was saying, not only does she know about this, but she's been waiting excitedly with God for this very hour in my life.  God is so good to me. Sometimes I can't even believe it.

I have to go to work tomorrow and try to focus on something other than charlie horses in my arms and how much bigger my already blessed boobs are going to get.

This is really happening.

The Time has come...

There is nothing more exciting than sharing a journey with friends.  :)

I'm SO SORRY for the wait! But there were so many people that we needed to tell before we posted. I'm sure we've missed some, but we did the best we could! After 12 years of praying, here's what God did: 

first this: 

then this: 

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!

I can't even believe I'm writing this post. There's so much that I want to share with you. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now! The details are as follows: 

1. The nurse told me that I'm pregnant. (still taking that in)

2. My HCG number was 949 which is an above average number. Which is a great thing. :)

3. I go in for a blood test on saturday (tomorrow) to check my levels again. 

4. I have an ultra sound in 3 weeks to hear the heart beats AND to find out HOW MANY! 

5. Due date is temporarily Sept. 7th. 

6. We are NOT putting it on Facebook yet, but you can tell your family etc.
7. If you would like to contact us and you don't have our number you can send us an email at kat@onetimeblind.com

8. Please keep praying as all of waiting has lead to 9 months more of waiting! wowsers. 

SO--that's the short of it all. I'm sitting here in complete disbelief.  It has been so fun to share the news with people.  I once again am overwhelmed by love from friends and family. A journey really is better spent with others. When there is sorrow, there is much sorrow.  But when there is rejoicing, there is MUCH rejoicing!!!!  It has been a crazy few days and I've enjoyed every second of it. We have had responses such as much screaming, much crying, much laughing (the whole conversation, and she even woke up in the middle of the night laughing- haha), and one person almost drove off the road! It feels amazing to feel so loved.

I'm feeling great, just a little tired. Drew is excited and cry's almost every time we tell someone. We really can't think much past the fact that this procedure ACTUALLY worked, so we have NO answers beyond that.  My biggest struggle now is continuing to live in God's Peace that He has given us these gifts on PURPOSE for something amazing so I need to believe only that.

I will be excited for this in my life as soon as I realize it's real.  ;)  But I am VERY excited about what this means.  We have always known that God had a plan for our kids and that they would come at a perfect time for Kingdom work.  I know that sounds strange, but I've always wanted to not just raise kids, but raise them to be strong voices for God to help hurting people.

I started a journal for my kids several years ago. I wanted them to know how strongly God has a plan for them and that they were born at the exact moment in all of time that God had planned. My beginning paragraph says this,

"How do you get through when God proclaims something in you that you must birth? You wait and pray and wait and praise and wait and listen and learn. But most of all you never stop Believing and Trusting. God is Faithful. He is providing His love to me and He will do the same for you."

My first entry was honest.

March 31, 2000 - I've been missing the spiritual aspect of having a baby. Besides just asking God if it's time, it has to be spiritually right. God you are so perfect! I trust you!

 Since then I have a book full of evidence of things to come. People having dreams, prophetic words being spoken, God telling us things, "coincidences" etc. It seem everywhere we went people were telling us about our children. Children that we didn't have. Until now.

But the reason this is so exciting to me, so completely unbelievable, is because to me, this means something is coming... Something so big I could never wrap my brain around it. I feel God is moving things into place to use all of us. I don't believe in chance, I believe in purpose and with that comes expectations. God is about to do something that we have been waiting for our whole lives. It's not about my kids, but it IS about His timing. I do believe my kids are a part of it, but I also believe you are a part of it too.  I don't know, it might sound crazy, but I really think even during these horrible times we live in, goodness is coming for us all. :)

I praise you Father for your Righteousness! I praise you for your Kindness! I praise you for your Goodness to all nations! I praise you that you ARE Faithful! I praise you because you DID EXACTLY what you said you would do! I only wish I wasn't surprised by that, but God....you are SO............................................................................(*insert crying breakdown here). My heart longs for God and Praises Him in the HIGHEST!

He did what He said He was going to do.

Oh my God, we are going to have some babies. 

A New Year!

Happy 2013 everyone! 

I just wanted to right a quick update to thank you for your prayers.  If you've been counting, you will know our BETA test is .... in the morning! I'm nervous and excited to see what the Dr. has to say.  I'm feeling great though which is a great sign. :)

Every doctor is different so I'm not sure what to expect.  Originally I thought I would just be getting my blood work done, but I read that some doctors do ultrasounds as well.  I'm praying for that!  I will post tomorrow night for sure.

We go back to work tomorrow too, so I hope that the day will go fast.

One thing I know for sure.  In life, the outcomes don't determine whether God is good or not good. He is good. So very good. He always was and always is.

Until tomorrow!