Saturday, March 10, 2018

Watch for God

What a week.  A super good friend lost her sister to cancer and I've been overwhelmed with grief for her. It doesn't feel right, like the enemy stole something that wasn't his.  But I have to trust God nonetheless. I have to know HE has the final say.  And so I pray PEACE over my friend and her family as they move forward with this vast gap in their lives.

I just got back from an all night party with 600 jr. high students.  We had a session of worship, we went to a place called the Legacy Center which had a pool, open gym, go carts, VR and a trampoline room. After there we traveled to Dave n Busters for a few hours of unlimited arcade fun.  I tell you all of that to let you know my brain is fried! So read the following post with caution that it might make sense to me in my brain but could very well be coming out in gibberish.  haha.

We had our fertility appointment this past Tuesday and it was supposed to be the 'protocol' appointment.  So we thought we would go to see what the protocol would be as well as have our financial appointment.

The office is a bit unconventional in that because Dr. B passed away, Dr. Carol has taken over his practice but she already has 2 other places that she works from. So she hired a crew of people to run his office but she doesn't work there.  She visits once a week I think.  So when we go through IVF we really wont see our doctor until the day of retrieval (as far as I understand) So on Tuesday, we met with Lindsey who is an awesome PA. She explained in detail the process and paperwork required to do IVF with the new dr.  There are a lot of things that are different than the last time we went down this road.  Dr. Carol requires more paperwork, stricter contracts etc. She also has more stipulations because of my age. There is no lack in explaining our risks and how we can tackle them.  This reminds me how important it is to constantly remind myself of the power of my God.

She explained that we could keep taking the next step and see how far we could go.  There is concern that I will not produce enough follicles (or big enough) to actually have the procedure to remove eggs. But we could try to see how my body reacts and then once it's time to remove eggs if we feel we don't have enough to continue with IVF we would switch to an IUI, which we've never had success with, but it's a better chance at conception then what we would normally have.

After trying not to be overwhelmed by it all, Lindsey explained that we could join the IVF cycle for April if we wanted which would allow us to start right away. Since we have no reason to wait, we decided we might as well go ahead. We had to start BC that day if we wanted to do that cycle.  We decided to take that next step.  So I had my initial blood work and first ultrasound and I have 6 follicles, 3 on the right and 3 of the left.  These are just the initial follicles so we could have more or less as we see how the meds help them respond.  These are 'normal' numbers for me. Each follicle could have an egg in them that we would retrieve. These numbers can change in the next month however. 

So this past week has been full of making doctors appointments (I have to have medical clearance from my primary because of my age. I have to have a pap-smear and possibly my yearly mammogram).  My mammogram is a bit tricky because my yearly isn't until April 13 which is the week of transfer. So I wouldn't have the results until after that week. I'm trying to get prior approval to do it a week early which is kind of a long shot but I hear God likes those sort of odds.  So after telling my boss how awesome he is for letting me have a crazy schedule for the next few months, I crossed a few things off the list.

We started getting calls from the fertility med companies which went through all the medication and explained how much the total was. I might have had a little heart attack as the prices are a bit higher than the last time I did this.  There are a few options I can apply for aid etc which is good but all of these things take time etc.  So my goal this next week is to see how much of that I can get done and if for some reason I feel like we need more time we can delay the IVF another month.  I really would like to try to stay with April if possible though.  I honestly want to get it over with.

Our next steps for this week - apply for financial aid, figure out possible discounts, get a massage (we get 3 free with treatment-BONUS), continue taking birth control so they can control when I ovulate, try not to stress, try to remember God is in charge, remember words from friends who have encouraged us to keep taking the next step and be brave.

There have been so many times in my life where I've asked God to step in and cover my decisions.  This is one of them.  If this works, wow.  I will even be more speechless then the first time we did IVF and God gave us Asher.  If this doesn't work, I need Him to cover us.  I will need Him to show up and whisper it's ok. I've been feeling the past few weeks like Moses.  Not the 'let my people go' Moses but the one that was standing in front of a vast ocean and feeling the weight of what God told him to do.  I can imagine Him standing there looking at the water, the waves coming and feeling that cold chill to the bone as he wondered what now.  I feel his anxiety as he looks back over his shoulder and sees the eyes of children looking at him and crying because they don't understand why they are suddenly not in their comfy homes with their toys but they are standing on the cold beach holding the shaking hands of their parents.  I wonder if Moses could see the army coming just beyond the edge of God's people.  I imagine him looking back at the water and thinking "God, why? Why did you do this? I need you. I need your voice. I need one more miracle. I need you to do what you said you would do. Please don't let us die here on this dirty beach." Never, ever in Moses' wildest dreams could he have guessed what was coming.  I'm sure it wasn't the solution he was looking for. I'm sure he was praying for a miracle cruise ship that would take them away to the promise land. The reality is, he didn't know what to do, but God still had a plan. Maybe Aaron was quietly whispering, "watch for God...He is good...watch for God...He will not let us die...watch for God...His promises are true...watch for God.

I KNOW God has a plan for our family.  And for some reason we have had to fight for them almost our entire lives. I'm not going to lie, it's exhausting.  It doesn't make sense.  It confuses me. My reality almost feels against God's word (as the Bible told me to populate the Earth yet because of man's brokenness our bodies don't agree). Yet Moses stood there as a broken man just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  Trying to find one more shred of bravery to move God's promise into the unknown.  Literally moving the mountain of water OUT OF THE WAY so God's promises could walk through the dark places. I don't think walking through the ocean was a fun adventure. I don't think the children were like, "ooo mom, look at that whale in there!".  I think they were crapping their pants.  At least that's what I would've been doing.  I'm guessing it was a bit muddy and a bit smelly and TOTALLY overwhelmingly filled with fear.  But they were brave.  Every one of them.  They kept taking the next step.  One foot, then the next, then the next. 

Thanks for taking this journey with us.  Thanks for your prayers, emails, encouraging words etc. We will see what God has for us no matter what that looks like for our lives. I'm fearful about a lot of things as there are obviously a million unknowns.  But "I am still sure of one thing....

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, and wait for the Lord. " Psalms 27:13-14

Thank you Selah for my bracelet. :) 

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