Um, let's pause that.

As many of you know, Asher is 4.  He's a boy. He likes to play video games with his dad as well as watch shows. It's like his favorite thing ever so we have to monitor how long he can do that every day because he would literally spend all day doing them.  He is potty trained (THANK GOD!), but we seem to have an issue when he's in the middle of a game or when he wants to watch his show.  We can always tell he has to go because he starts his potty dance.  Even HE isn't noticing that he is wiggling around and grabbing himself because he has to go potty.  So we tell him, "Asher, pause the game and go potty".  No response.  "Asher! Pause the game".  "I don't have to go", he says. But it is obvious he does.  This usually only goes on no more than 3 times and then he gets frustrated and walks backwards to the bathroom with the remote in his hand so that he can pause it at the very last second.  He doesn't understand the concept of pausing. I mean, pausing doesn't end the show. Pausing doesn't lose your spot. Pausing doesn't ruin your game or make you go down a level.  It actually could help you play the game better because you are no longer wiggling all around while trying to play! But I get that feeling of wanting to do something so bad for whatever reason and you really, really, really don't want to pause the game.  So you wait till the very last minute. But pausing, isn't bad.  Just like Asher, it creates new focus, new possibility and possibly even a new outcome.  

So we hit the pause button. 

I dropped Asher off at school yesterday and I felt so stressed.  I was trying SO HARD to not feel stress but it felt almost impossible.  So I sat for a minute in my car and I imagined what it would be like to do the cycle this month - hurried, messy, un-orderly, chaotic, rushed, stress. Then I imagined what it would be like to push pause.  And it felt just like it does when Asher pushes that button - quiet, relaxed, control, orderly, PEACE. So I headed to work and talked it over with Drew and we have decided to wait another month to do the treatment.  Once we made that decision, we knew it was the right one. Overwhelming PEACE came over me. 

I had my massage last night and it was wonderful. I get 3 treatments with our cycle so I figured I would get a massage now (because I was so stressed) and then one either during stims and maybe one after I have the baby.  I have a year to use them up.  But she told me there are other services.  They also offer laser acupuncture which I've never heard of. She said they've had great success with that.  She said I could also choose to get a facial or see a personal trainer, but then she went on to say that I really didn't need that.  WHAT? That was a blessing cuz I'm not feeling that after winter hibernation.  But I left feeling uplifted to have more information and know that I have time to research and figure out if I want to use that or not. It just felt good to have a little more time. 

I went to my appointment this morning and told them our plan. They were great about it and had a new protocol for me to take home.  So basically I stop the pill for now, restart next week and I will be on that for 3 weeks or so and then we will go in for an ultrasound and blood work and then start stim shots that night.  That will be the end of April/beginning of May.  My trial transfer went great this morning as well, so that's one more thing checked off the list.  She also told me everything else was in, so the only thing left was to order my meds.  I explained to them the issues I was having with that as well as other things and they agreed waiting was a good idea. For those keeping up with schedule, my meds were supposed to be here yesterday (Monday) but when I called them they told me the "bid had expired".  So they had to create a new bid and have the pharmacist look at it and then they would call me.  That was yesterday morning at 9am.  I got the call today around 2.  I could have rushed it to get them here by Thursday, but it didn't feel right. So now I'm not in a rush. YAY! And this will also allow me to have my normal mammogram without skipping it for a year (which is what I would've had to do).  

Also - two people at work came up to us separately to tell us about our children. The first person came up to me last week and didn't know we were doing treatment, and she didn't really want to tell us this, but she really was feeling like we were going to have a baby soon and she felt like she had to tell us.  The other person came up to me today to tell me that she had a dream that she was surrounded by babies and in the middle was a baby girl.  In her dream she said, "that one is Drew and Kat's baby".  And she also didn't want to tell us because those things can be private and hard, but I'm so glad she did. For me, these things tell me God is with us. He is here and no matter what the outcome, He is so close to us all and THAT is really all that matters.

All in all, I feel Peace.  And that is what I prayed for this week.  I'm thanking God for being able to take a few days off to go to a conference with Drew. I'm thankful to have family coming this weekend to celebrate Easter. I'm thankful to have a few days off next week as well to just be with Drew and Asher. I feel very blessed right now.  And I realize that I AM blessed even in times when I don't feel it.  I talked tonight in our bible study about how fire is needed to create beautiful things. I believe that is true. I'm thankful for fire. I'm thankful for Jesus being in the fire with us. I'm thankful that when we come out we won't even smell like smoke.  And I'm thankful that it will create beautiful things. 

New schedule: 

Next 3 weeks, start the pill again. 

Finish loan stuff.

Figure out our septic stuff (we need a new field so if you know anything about any of that we are accepting wise counsel!)

Train the puppy.

Rest. 

Relax.

Pray. 

Eat well. 

Read Scripture.

Sleep well. 

Just Be.