prayers for a friend

Today is a sad day for a few of my friends.  Please take a moment and say a prayer of strength and peace over them.


When I first started to go to our church, Rochester First Assembly, I was invited to go to an infertility group that was meeting there.  I decided to go and check it out.  We met at a girls house and her name was Amanda Jones.  There were several girls at this meeting and we all shared our stories and encouraged each other in our journey towards family and motherhood.  Several months after that meeting Amanda got pregnant.  It was a miracle.  The dr.'s had told her she would never have kids and they were getting ready to do foster care in hopes to adopt one day.  After having a beautiful boy she surprisingly got pregnant again!  And then after her 2nd child was born again she found herself with child!  This time it was a girl.  This past week she gave birth to that little girl, 7 weeks early.  She wasn't breathing well and the dr's discovered that little baby Hannah was born with a very rare disease where she had too much calcium in her arteries and in a matter of days it would destroy her.  Our whole church and many others prayed for baby Hannah, but she went back to God to be with Him today.  Miracle turned to tragedy.  My heart breaks.

I can't imagine her pain.

I can't imagine her confusion.

I just can't imagine.

In times like these where my heart breaks for a friend, I wonder what's going on in this world.  Why do we live in a place where bad things happen even to good people.  Why did God not answer our prayers? The prayers of hundreds!  Could we have changed His mind? Did He have control over this? I used to ask these same questions of my own personal tragedies.  Wondering why God didn't step in and stop the circumstances that killed my parents.  I felt like God could do anything, so why did He choose to be silent that day?  Why did He choose to be silent today?  These questions are hard and linger for so long with no answers.

I've heard too many of these stories like Amanda's of children leaving us way to soon.  I wonder how it all works.  I look for a pattern to make sure I or any of my family and friends do not fall into any bad tragedies.  But there is no pattern.  There is no calculation that would allow us to have a perfect life.   We will have pain.  We will suffer. We DO have hope.  We DO have redemption from God in our situations.  But that doesn't always answer the WHY's that we scream in the middle of the night.  I've screamed that "why me?".  I never really got an answer, but I'm beginning to believe rain falls on the just and the unjust.  Tragedy will strike us at some point.  Maybe not like Amanda's story as I know her story is not my story.  And my story is not her story.  We each walk this road to motherhood but they are different to us all.  We both encounter tragedy and sadly this will not be the last sad night we ever live.  But God is here.

God is in the hospital with them right now.  God is with them when they go home to hug their 2 little boys. God is with the woman filled with disease who dies too young and leaves young children to be raised by a single father.  God is with the neighbor whose husband commits suicide.  God is with the homeless man who for 10 years drinks his morning McDonalds coffee on the side of a hill as he asks for cigarettes from strangers. God is with cousins who struggle to live a normal life and end up in car wrecks and find themselves in surgery.  God is with us.  He is near.  He is ready to take this broken world and redeem it.  One day He will come and restore all things.  But until then, he holds us close and redeems one tragedy at a time. And for that I am thankful. For His arms are the best arms to fall into.


...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

every moment

I'm reading the book one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp.  It's a book about one woman's journey to thankfulness and how this one thing helps her heal and basically changes her life.  It's not my favorite type of writing.  I find it hard to get through some of the ways that she describes things, but there are good points that she brings up. Today I was reading a chapter where she was talking about how we are all in a rush all the time trying to get more time.  But the secret to getting more time isn't rushing, it's slowing down.  This way we can recognize what God has given us now, in this moment, and we wont miss anything.  I thought this was a good reminder to me to enjoy every moment of my life right now. To stop and slow down.  I've had a pretty open schedule overall anyway, but I want to enjoy every moment.  As I think that is what God intended for us. For me.

Little babe got his first hiccups this week.  They came on lunch break at work on Tuesday.  I remember thinking this kid has good rhythm and then it hit me..hiccups. Drew was there to feel them and as he was amazed by it I looked up and he had tears in his eyes.  Then I did too.  God is amazing how he creates such Joy within me.  Living Joy flowing out with every kick, every movement, every hiccup.  Many times at work I stop and close my eyes and just enjoy his movement.  It's something I never even thought about mourning in my years past.  And here is this miracle movement inside of me reminding me at 4am that he is here, growing and happy.

We had our first birthing class this week.  There is a woman who goes to our church and loves to teach birthing classes.  She's been a nurse for over 35 years and has witnessed over 1,000 births.  She approached us asking if we wanted to meet with her sometime for a session. We have good friends that are due in a week or so and they were going to meet with her soon so they let us sit in on their private session. It was AWESOME!  I felt so great knowing that we could ask any question as she taught us step by step what happens from the moment you think you are in labor.  She spoke of peace and relaxation and she made me feel like I could do this.  I know labor could be hard (she also said it's NOT hard for all women - she was one of them) but I also know that trying to stay calm, relaxed and peaceful seems like an important part.  We got to watch a few births on video and honestly they weren't as bad as I thought they would be.  I've never seen a birth and I thought it would be totally disgusting.  I'm sure some are.  I'm sure there will be goop and blood and lots of other things.  But I appreciated the way she explained everything and how things work.  It was a great meeting and I felt more confident after I left.  So thankful for Vicki.

I tried cooking again this week. I cooked several things.  Most of them ended up getting burned, others just didn't turn out. I said I would never blame things on pregnancy, but it's been a proven fact that women lose brain cells or something when pregnant. I honestly think pregnancy has made me a bad cook. Ask Drew. He will confirm.  So, I think I'm giving up on the whole cooking thing and I'm looking for other alternatives.  Poor Drew. I really do feel bad for him.  But he's a good sport and honestly doesn't care that much.  But I have to figure out a way to get healthy yummy food into our home.

27 weeks.  That's where we are.  Feeling good and feeling like I'm growing all the time.  Drew tells me I have a disorder where I think I'm bigger than I am.  When I look at myself in the mirror I feel HUGE but he assures me that I don't look that way.  I hope he's not lying.  But even if he is, he's a good husband.  ;-)

I go back to the dr. on Monday.  This appointment is for the glucose test. I have to drink a small bottle of sugar water before I go to the dr. to determine if my body creates enough insulin during this part of the pregnancy.  I've been a little bloated this past week so I'm hoping that's not a bad sign.  I do think my feet a getting a touch bigger.  Either way, I know God will help me do what I have to do.  But I'm praying for perfect health.  Getting a tooth pulled was horrible enough so I'm hoping that's all issues I have. I'm not sure what else they will do besides hear the baby's heartbeat, take my weight and blood and see if I have any questions. It should be good!

I hope to make another update after my appointment.  Going to the Loon's game on Monday so it wont be till later in the week.  I'm thankful for all of you that love me so.  God is so good.

27 weeks and growing! 

The Golden Jubilee

Commitment.....


My Aunt Joan celebrated her Golden Jubilee this weekend.  She decided at the young age of 18 that she wanted to dedicate her life to God forever.  She became a nun and gave herself to serving others for the rest of her life.  50 years later, she celebrates.  And rightly so.

I've been thinking a bunch about her decision and how huge that was.  When I was 18 all I could think about was getting out of the house and finding a boyfriend.  I don't know what kind of heart God has to give a teenager to help them make a LIFETIME decision like the one my aunt made.  Once that decision was made, her life was never the same.

Her family (especially mother) was so proud of her.  She went off to study (earning several degrees which is amazing considering my grandparents never finished high school) and learned not only about the world that she lived but also about God and people and community.  She learned to serve selflessly.  She learned to help those who have none.  She helped heal the broken hearted and bind up their hurts.  She cultivated her compassion and drew out the parts of her heart that were most like Jesus while ignoring the parts that were soul-ish, or more worldly.

She's never been to Rome, but she's going soon.  I'm so excited for her to learn about the heritage that she's read and lived her whole life.  I want her to see it with her own eyes.  I want her to touch the buildings and feel God's presence alive and strong in the churches that still stand to Praise and recognize Jesus and God as the One True God. I want God to bless her with experiences she never thought imaginable.  For all that she's sacrificed, I pray her to be blessed.

She studied in Grand Rapids and now lives in Lansing. Lansing. I thought about how many other places she could've lived.  As a nun, I'm sure she could've been commissioned to live anywhere in the world.  This week as I prayed, admired and thought about Aunt Joan, I thought, "Oh my word...why Lansing?".  I would've pulled some strings and asked to go to Europe, South America or even the Far East. But my Aunt Joan went where God would have her go.

I'm not sure if you've ever been to Lansing, Mi., but Lansing is our capital.  It's not like Detroit, but in my opinion, it's like the next step.  It seems the city has lost it's excitement as the buildings started showing their age years ago.  It seems dirty.  Tired.  Lacking.  And I wondered why God would send her there.  I really don't know the "reason" why she ended up in Lansing, but if you've ever been to Michigan I hope you know there are about a million other places that are nicer to live.  I realize I'm painting a horrible picture of it.  It's not THAT bad, but for someone who has given up everything in her life to worship God and give to others, I would want them to live in Traverse City on the waters edge seeing God's beauty everyday! But then I realized, if there was somewhere that God knew Aunt Joan needed to be, it was probably Lansing.  A place that needs God.  A place where people are lonely and tired.  A sleepy city that needs the light of Christ to shine into it so it can be awakened.  I wonder how many times my Aunt has prayed for our cities, our state, our country.  She couldn't get any closer to the place where the most important decisions are made for our state.  Yes, maybe Lansing is exactly where she was supposed to be.  Well...I guess it is since she is there.  ;)   But maybe I can feel a bit more settled knowing she loves God and brings that Spirit into the city where decisions are made that will affect my family, my state, my future, my life.  I'm so thankful God is smart.  I'm so thankful for people like Aunt Joan who say yes Lord.

I don't know my Aunt Joan super well.  It's one regret that I have in my life.  Sometimes decisions are made for you that sort of break your heart later in life.  I have a few nieces that I love and because of decisions made for them I don't know them super well.  It's hard.  I wish it was different.  But I just do the best I can with what God has given me.  I plan on taking some time to spend with Aunt Joan to hear her heart and get to know her better.  I know it's never too late etc. but there is still a past regret that sometimes lingers.  Some days I wish Aunt Joan was my God mother.  I think in a way she should've been or would've been.  There's a place in my heart that whispers that if things were different at one time, my mother would've asked her to be that for me.  I think she would've taken that role seriously.  As her dedication to God has been, serious.  When she says yes to a commitment, clearly she means yes for life.  I love that.

My sister tells me stories about how for a brief time in her life my mom, Kevin and her lived with Aunt Joan in the convent.  I can't imagine that.  To me, that would be the coolest place to live. Kari describes it was such.  She remembers running up and down the halls and getting hushed by the nuns to keep quiet, but also loving the attention.  It was a God heart that opened that door to my mother in a time when she needed help.  That is the type of person Aunt Joan is.  She loves her family and will do anything for them.  Even if never repaid.  Even if never thanked.  Even if never recognized.  That's kinda how Jesus lived all the time.  Constantly giving.  Hardly ever receiving. But I believe God filled his heart back up to give more and just knowing God was doing that made the rest ok.  I'm pretty sure Aunt Joan is like that too.  Knowing that God is enough. God is near.  God sees.  God rewards with His presence.  And that is, well, enough.

Happy 50 year Anniversary! 

I'm thankful for my Aunt Joan. She is someone to be admired and walk after.  Just as Paul said, "do as I do as I imitate Christ".  My Aunt Joan isn't perfect, but it takes an amazingly close walk with God to trudge through the good and the ugly of life and come out on the other side of 50 years of marriage to God and still like him.  And still love Him.  Life is extremely confusing, but she gets it.  She knows God is good.  She knows He isn't done and that He is coming once again to redeem all things.  This is not the end of the story, and this is the reason for her being firmly rooted and content with whatever may come her way.

May God continue to bless Sister Carla, my Aunt Joan for all that she has done and continues to do for the world, for strangers, for her family and for me.  I love you so much and I'm blessed and honored to be your niece.

2:30 for real this time....

So many things happening in just a few days....

Happy Mothers Day to all of you ladies out there.  I don't care if you are a "Mother" because you had a child, or if you didn't, if you take care of those around you and show love to God's people, I consider you a mother. :)  I hope you all had a wonderful day.  Mine was...well...sad.


Drew was out of town and couldn't get back from New York until Sunday night.  So I talked to him briefly in the morning and burst into tears when I was done.  I guess I just felt alone and emotional. I was sad because my mom wasn't here.  And I was happy because of this amazing little boy in my womb.  And I was sad because there are so many who never have children, or who are still waiting for them.  That day, Mothers Day, is so painful to so many people and I couldn't just enjoy the day.  But I decided to try.

I didn't want to go to church because, although I LOVE my church I just felt like being alone.  I decided to go to the local breakfast place and get some eggs and potatoes.  I sat at the bar next to a woman and her young daughter.  They played tic-tak-toe and I thought it was amazing that she was blessing her daughter that morning, the morning that she should be honored.  On the other side of me was an elderly couple.  Hardly saying a word to one another they ate their eggs and rye toast and then payed the bill and made room for 2 single middle aged men. They seemed very jovial much like the brothers Click and Clack.  It made me smile. After leaving there I went to Starbucks where I asked them to write Happy Mothers Day on my cup as well as put a heart on top.

Although it was supposed to be a steamed milk frothy coffee art, the carmel worked too.  I realized, sometimes if you want to feel good, you just have to ask for what you want.   And that day, I wanted a cup that said, "Happy Mother's Day", and so I asked. :)  It's a good reminder to me that if I really want to feel better, tell people what I need and they would be happy to help me out.  Generally, people like helping people.






The day ended with picking up drew from the airport.  I was so happy to see him.  I missed him horribly last week.  I was very thankful for my friend Tomi coming to stay with me though.  She cooked for me and kept me company all week.  It was so fun.

We even spent 4 hours shopping when neither of us really like to shop! haha. We had a great time though.  I'm thankful for those that called and also offered to have me over or come stay with me.  Again, I am loved.

So yeah, today I lost my first adult tooth.  Although it was a bit traumatic mentally, it was pretty painless and so far still no pain.  Here's the view I had from my seat...

I have the BEST dentist. Finally. I went to the worst dentist last year which is how I got in this mess.  But now the best dentist is making it all better.  So I just took a tea bag out of my mouth because my dentist called to see how I was doing and told me to put a tea bag on it to stop the bleeding.  It was still bleeding a bit.  I think it worked for the most part.  The only thing that really hurts now is where he gave me the shots.  Which I'm thankful for.  I'm pretty tired though.  I really tried to stay calm all day so the baby wouldn't feel anxious.  I kept playing in my head that 80's song, "doin it all for my baby...".  I think our baby liked that. So now I'm one toothless of a full mouth.  It's ok. I have lots of friends who have lost teeth.  It just feels strange and I'm not sure he will give me a bridge or anything until we make sure the other tooth is ok.  He hinted that might be after the baby is born.  Oh well.  At least the infection is gone and I don't have to worry about the infection spreading to the baby.  THAT is all that matters. :)  And he kicked the whole time to remind me to stay calm...and that he loves me.

I'm thankful for friends who offer to get groceries for me, and friends that bring me mashed potatoes on their 25th anniversary, and friends that check in on me cuz they know sometimes life can be challenging.  I truly have the greatest friends. And now I'm going to finish my peanut butter smoothie and go to bed.  Glad this day is over, but feeling blessed that it wasn't THAT bad.

                                                 

And feeling great at 24 weeks!

friends and flips

It's been a bit since I've last written.  It seems like I've been a bit busy these past few weeks.  We made 2 trips to GR, one for a visit to Drew's moms and the other was to celebrate our friend Amiee's 40th bday.  They were very fun trips filled with trips to the baby Gap as well as nights full of laughter.  I love getting together with my friend Amiee.  The times always end up with me laughing so hard that I have to think of something sad to stop laughing because it starts to hurt my stomach so bad.  For real.  I've got some really funny friends.  I'm so thankful!

People have been SO generous to me!  We have and keep receiving many gifts from maternity clothes to gifts for the baby.  Thank you everyone for your help! It's making my life so easy! Even drew has gotten in the baby buying mood.  He's bought a few outfits for our little guy and even some cute Sesame Street books.  He loves Sesame Street. I have to admit, I do too. Classic Sesame though, we haven't really seen it in a while but I imagine the voices are different as we all get older.

Drew is in New York this week.  He has to go to either New York or California for classes once every term.  This time it was New York.  It's the first time he met all his classmates that he will be studying with for the next 5 years.  He said overall it has been awesome.  They basically sit around for 8 hours talking about the meaning of life, God, dreams, man etc.  He is in Heaven.  I miss him so much, but every time I talk to him he's having such a blast and he sounds so happy.  I've never been more thankful for him starting school.  He's been waiting a long time to do this and I'm so excited for him to get into the program and start walking towards his life long goal of teaching.  And he's excited too.  He sounds like a kid who just walked into his first trip to Cedar Point.  So many things to experience, adrenaline pumping, ready for those upside down rollar coasters.  He walked a TON the first night, mostly because he was excited.  So by day 2 he had a few blisters that he has had to baby a bit.  But it really didn't stop him as we went out walking the next night too.  He's just so excited to be in the city. I don't blame him.  The city is exciting.

I can't remember if I mentioned my tooth ache.  I think I did.  Well, since then, I've been in ZERO pain.  I'm so thankful.  My appointment was still scheduled for May 21st to get my tooth removed, until last week. On Monday my gums started swelling next to the "toxic tooth".  Again, no pain, just swelling.  The next day it was bigger.  The third day it was like the elephant man but only in my mouth.

 ******CAUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!  THIS NEXT PART IS COMPLETELY GROSS!!!!!!!!********

I got to work that morning and I was looking (looking, not poking...just looking) at my gum when all of a sudden it....well....it....exploded.  There, I said it.  So nasty puss and blood was gushing out as I grabbed kleenix after kleenix at my desk trying to not faint from disgust.  Even now it makes my stomach turn and feel upset. It was by far one of the most disgusting things I had ever experienced.  Yes, I called the dentist begging for a closer appointment.  Again, I'm not in any pain and I'm SO thankful, but as I've been praying that God would just heal this thing so I don't have to go to the dentist again I realized, well, I guess I should just get it over with and take the stupid tooth out.  So now I'm scheduled for Tuesday.  We have a very busy week as Monday we have an OB appointment and then Tuesday I will go in to get it removed.  I'm going to tell him to remove both the back teeth if he thinks they both need to come out.  I have a feeling they both do and I dont want to be back here again in a month doing this over.  So...yeah.    He told me to start my antibiotics (which I HATE that I have to take, but with every pill I swallow I pray that God will protect our baby boy from any medication that might hurt him.  Everything I've read said these antibiotics are ok for the baby and my dr also said that so I guess I should just trust them) so I started them yesterday. I take 4 a day. FOUR!  But I'm guessing they are a lower dose spread out throughout the day so that makes more sense to me than taking 2 heavy doses twice a day.   Idk.  I'm not a doctor.  I'm a little nervous about the procedure as when I got my wisdom teeth out I was put out.  This time I will only have my gums numb.  But I know it will be over soon and it will be ok.  When I saw that nasty stuff in my mouth all I wanted to do was get rid of it so it didn't spread and hurt the baby.  So that's my goal.  Do what I have to do to get rid of the infection.  Infection = bad.  I'm also thankful it's not my front teeth as there will be no replacing the teeth until after the baby is born.  :)  Good times.

I'm hoping I feel good the next day though.  I might ask to work from home that day. I don't know how much pain I will be in, but I don't really want to take any time off work because I only get so many days for maternity leave and every sick day I take counts against it.  I'm trusting God to provide for us so I can take as much time off as possible.

LEAKING! Holy crappers, I'm leaking.  I'm 23 weeks along and I'm leaking.  I'm talking to my doc about it Monday, and I've been told it's normal, but for the last few days strange marks are showing up on my shirts out of nowhere.  Luckily it only happens at night, but it's STRANGE! Laura told me again, that's it's normal.  She's my #1 pregnancy meter.  I feel our pregnancies have been pretty similar so I've asked her about the strange body changes all along.  She always says, "yup. that's normal".  Thank God for normal.  But I thought leaking would start more around week 35, not 23.  So I will see what my doc has to say.

I've got so much to do and really, really, really trying to get motivated to do some of it.  It's getting to the point where I just have to do it.  We have our first shower at the end of June and the invites are going out soon. So this week we have to register so they will know what to buy.  Registering is one of those things on my list that I've been avoiding.  I know it will be fun, but there are so many choices about things.  So I know you all have your favorit things you love and hate (even you aunties who take care of the babies sometimes!) so please message me and let me know what to get.  I think we know what stroller we want, but besides that I'm pretty much clueless.  I plan on breastfeeding but I think I need some bottles too.  Do you know how  many kinds of bottles are out there? Sheesh.  Not to mention the disposable vs. cloth debacle.  I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many many decisions.

22 is my favorite

I've always liked the number 22.  I really don't know why, but I can't tell you how thankful and wonderful it is to be moving into our 22nd week of pregnancy! The last week or so I've felt so hormonal.  I don't know if it's the weather, my tooth or just my new "normal" but I cry pretty much at anything.  I completely feel blessed and don't really have a reason to cry, but I cry anyway. I felt the baby move while I was at work last week and I pushed on my belly where I felt it and it moved again. Like he responded to me.  :)  I cried.  

me & my little bro

Kelly came for a visit!!!! YAY!  It was too short, but with our schedules I'm thankful for every minute I get with him. I didn't really have anything planned to do, so we just hung out, went to market, shopped around and played some video games.  (Press Your Luck - and yes, I beat him twice) 

I miss my brother a lot.  I miss all my sibs a lot.  I wish we all lived closer.  I wish we could be in each others lives daily.  I know sometimes it doesn't work out that way.  Maybe someday, but for now the stupid miles keep us from seeing one another.

 

I hugged Kelly tight before he got on that train back to Chicago. Then I sat and cried in the car for at least 30 minutes after the train left. 

Drew waited and then asked me if I was ok, and if I wanted Sonic. He's a good guy that Drew. And yes, I was ok, and I did want a Sonic Cranberry Lime-aid.  And I wish I had one right now too. 

Tonight I had dinner with great friends who have walked the infertility road with us for some time.  Nate and Kat are such wonderful friends and it was good to catch up with them.  They love the Lord and long to do what He says.  It's always encouraging to spend time with them and hear what God is doing. Their relationship is special to me because both Kat and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time.  She got pregnant 11 weeks before me. 

the pregnant kats

It's been a blessing for me to have her go first. I've been able to text her many times asking if things are normal or if I'm crazy.  And many times she tells me she felt that same thing and even worse when she was at my stage and everything is fine.  She's been a peace giver to my heart and I'm so thankful.  It's a miracle to see us both in this stage at the same time.  Something I could've never imagined, but that's what God loves to do, turn our wildest dreams into His reality. 

So as May approaches things are well in the Smith house.  My tooth isn't hurting as bad and I'm praying it will be healed, but I still have my appointment at the end of May.  Drew has been trying to adjust to grad school with lots and lots of reading as well as working full time.  He leaves next week for New York for 5 days for schooling.  He will be missed. I miss him already.  I know, cheesy, but I really do like spending time with him. I'm thankful I have a friend coming to stay with me and she said she would cook a bit. I'm SO thankful for that otherwise I would probably be eating cereal all week.  Which the baby would love btw.  :)  

This weeks goal = exercise.  I did it yesterday and thought I might pass out.  I wasn't even doing it all and it was a prenatal tone & stretch video. It wasn't hard and the fact that I was out of breath and sweaty at the end made me realize that yeah, I need to do this more often.  So, that's my goal.  

That's what's going on in Smith world...hope your world is going well too.  

Hello Stranger

What a week.

First, I'm 21 weeks!!! More than 1/2 way done! It's hard to believe, but my body is changing so much forcing me to know that we are moving right along now! HAPPY DANCE!!!!!

Next, my disclaimer is that I am NOT complaining and I also understand that things could be MUCH worse.  But I'm realizing in any stage of life there are things that bother us and cause us frustration.  It doesn't mean you don't like the season you're in, it just means even in a good season, life still happens.

I woke up last week with a toothache.  I can't explain to you why my teeth upset me emotionally.  Maybe it's because my mother had false teeth by the time she was 30.  Or maybe it's because I don't want to have bad teeth. Maybe it's because I could brush my teeth every day and floss AND gargle with the best mouthwash and still get cavities. It's frustrating. Knowing this, last October I was determined to get my teeth checked and cleaned before we did treatments.  I had a bad couple teeth in the back and I had to have a root canal. It wasn't bad.  But then a month later it started to hurt again. So he did a "re-treatment".  This one hurt very bad. THEN in December it started hurting ... AGAIN! I was super frustrated and it was right before treatment. They took an x-ray and found nothing wrong with it.  So they gave me antibiotics and hoped for the best.  Everything seemed fine until last week.  It started hurting, again. Perfect timing because now I'm pregnant and what am I to do? I know, get a new dentist. Which I did.

The new dentist is awesome. Like, really awesome. His staff from the first hello were so kind and helpful.  They made me feel like I'd been a patient for years. I went to see him and he looked at the tooth and said we had to take an x-ray of it to really know what is going on.  They covered me with those heavy shield things and took it. Then he got really silent.  After 30 seconds of looking at the x-ray, then looking at the nurse, then looking at me and back at the x-ray, he told me the tooth needs to come out.

I think a part of me feels like I'm going to end up like mom with no teeth.  I know lots of people who have had teeth removed.  It's not that uncommon.

not my mom-haha

But I just keep picturing myself with one tooth falling out at a time until I am that old lady at the nursing home who lost her dentures and just says, 'who cares' and lives without teeth.  ugh.  I don't want to be known as the toothless grandma.  I don't know what my problem is! My mom had false teeth and she was awesome! Maybe she scarred me because we would beg her to take them out (which she hardly ever did) and show us.  She would do it and we would scream and then she would laugh and we would too.  But maybe deep down I didn't think it was that funny.  I don't know.  But the truth is, it's not just about me now.  It's about my little boy.  And my dentist said I have a "toxic tooth" in my body and that's not good for the baby either.  sigh....so, out it must come. He said we will get a bridge or do something after the baby is born, but until then we just need to get my mouth healthy.

On a brighter note, the lady who cleaned my teeth told me 3 times that I do a good job with 'home care' and my teeth looked really good. 5 gold stars for my efforts, but sometimes even when you do all the right things you still get the tooth pulled. It's ok. It's not the end of the world.  I just get nervous.  I want the best for my baby and I feel like I let him down already.  I know I did the best I could, but life happens.  And now my goal is to stay calm and peaceful until I can get it removed.  The first available appointment they had was May 21st!!! Yes, that's a long ways away.  They put me on the cancelation list and told me to call if it got worse.  The tooth doesn't really bother me so much during the day, but at night I can't sleep well. It wakes me up throbbing. And so that coupled with me trying to get used to an oversized belly has been challenging.  If they don't call me by next week I will probably call them and see if I can get in sooner. I can't wait over a month for this procedure.  Please keep all of this in your prayers.  And that the antibiotics I have to take wont do anything crazy to the baby.  They tell me they are safe, but I'm a crazy hormonal mother now, so, yeah.

A GREAT STORY to share with you from last weekend....

Several years ago while we were trying to get pregnant, our ministry was at a youth conference and after one of the sessions I was up front praying with some of the girls.  A 13 year old girl came up to me and confessed that she had just found out she was pregnant.  She didn't know what to do.  She wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby and was thinking about having an abortion.  I talked with her a bit and prayed with her as well as got her in touch with people from her town etc.  Then I went to the balcony and cried my eyes out. It seemed so unfair for me - woman with infertility who would do anything for a child - to be 'randomly' put with a girl who had barely started her period and was pregnant. She didn't want the baby (and rightly so, she was 13) and I did. The madness of life.  As I cried, an older woman saw me and came over to see if I was ok.  I ended up telling her my whole story and she cried with me, prayed with me and vowed to continue to pray for me.  We exchanged addresses and said good-bye.  We wrote a few times, but over the years we lost touch.

This weekend we were in Iowa.  It was a great weekend of ministry and as we finished out our final program I felt like God wanted me to share my Hope Story and then shared that I was pregnant.  I shared my testimony and talked of how God does what He says He's going to do. He is faithful. He will restore your heart and revive old dreams that are deep within us.  I shared all of that.  After the program I was standing by our table greeting people and a woman and her husband came up.  Both were crying.  It was the woman from that balcony so many years ago.  They didn't go to the church we were at, but they heard we were coming and thought we might be the same group they saw back then.  She hugged me and said she was so happy for me.  She said she never stopped praying.  Her husband was crying too.  He said I'm on her prayer list and she prays for me so often.  I couldn't believe it.  God had continued to put me on the hearts of others that I hardly knew.  He continued to bring my face to a woman who loved God and loved me.  And God heard her.  He heard all of us.  And here we are. :)

It was an amazing moment to be reunited with a prayer warrior like that. God is so good to me.  He continues to spoil me with moments of His love.  I'm so thankful.

Tooth or no tooth, God is amazing and He continues to show me how amazing and loved this little boy inside of me really is.

insanity and purpose

When I heard about the attack at the Boston Marathon today, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  The first thing I thought was that my brothers run marathons and either of them could've easily been there.  Kelly was only an hour away from New York when 9-11 happened and it was scary to think of how close he was to that situation.  I have a cousin in Boston, she and her husband are fine, Thank God.

I got home and it was so nice out that I decided to take a walk.  The complex where I live moved all of our dumpsters to the west side of the complex so we have to drive our garbage there.  It's super annoying.  But today I decided I would just walk it over during my walk.  I was so saddened by the events of today and I was praying that God would bless the people, the injured, the families of the people that died. As I was praying I started thinking about how this world needs more God.  It needs people of God to stand up and love the unloved.  There are too many people who feel alone or excluded and they do crazy things.  We need more of God's Presence on this Earth.  We need more of His Kingdom.  I was praying and thinking about all of this when I threw my trash in the dumpster and noticed something.  Someone had thrown a Kingdom in the trash.

I stood there and couldn't believe what I was looking at.  There, among the old banana peels and empty bottles, was a perfectly put together Kingdom with king, queen, prince, knights, horses and even a jester. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought someone needs to take that Kingdom out of the trash, clean it up and use it as it was meant to be used. It was perfect looking, but in the wrong place. It had cobwebs and had been unused for a long time.  Why wouldn't someone clean it off and use it? It's perfect looking! Or at the very least sell or give it to a child around my neighborhood.  It didn't make any sense to me at all.  I just knew I had to rescue it.  Yes, I dumpster dive.  Because good things like Kingdoms, kings and queens shouldn't be thrown away and taken off to be destroyed. They should be played with, used to nurture others and help them grow.  

I pray that God's kingdom comes to Earth this week.  I pray that God's people will bring love and peace to situations that don't make any sense. That we won't just sit and do our own thing or throw the Kingdom away and make our own trash but that we will look and find people all around us that just need a kind word.

Announcing on Facebook!

Hi facebook friends! Welcome to my blog. :)

I realize now that we’ve posted on Facebook there might be other people coming and reading about what has been happening in our lives in the last few months.  Here’s the short-ish recap. :)  

Drew and I have tried for over 13 years to start our family.  We have tried naturally, we have taken herbs, acupuncture, eating healthy, special oils, special prayer, regular prayer, dr’s visits, fertility treatments etc. We’ve tried adoption, foster care and we finally decided to try Invitro Fertilization (IVF).  The tricky thing about IVF is you can’t really raise money like adoption, so we saved money for a long time and were finally able to afford the treatments in December of 2012.  Although December is a busy month for us (Drew’s b’day, our Anniversary, church stuff, as well as Christmas) we were so thankful to do our treatment in December.  I really wanted to “get it over with” and start 2013 with a clean slate.  I was at the point where I was content with where God had us and if that meant no kids, then I was fine with that.  Don’t think for a minute that this is the reason the treatment worked.  I do believe God works like that sometimes, but there were plenty of times over the 13 years that I felt like I “gave it to God” and we still didn’t get pregnant. I was so convinced that this treatment wasn’t going to work that I almost filled out adoption paperwork at the end of December, but my sister encouraged me to wait a bit longer.  

Imagine my surprise after 13 years of waiting when I saw 2 lines on the stick.  I was a one line person!!! But there we were, stunned, looking at 2 lines.  It was confirmed a few days later that yes, we were indeed pregnant. The story is posted on my blog starting in the late November postings. You can go back and read all the details from the shots to the retrieval to the transfer, the 2 week wait and finally the first test. It’s been a crazy journey, but a good one.  I encourage you to read about the process in my blog.  I had no idea what it was about until we were in it and I gotta tell ya, it was an amazing process. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, the process was amazing.  

God is so faithful.  Even through all of January I found it hard to believe that after 13 years we were now with child. Even now looking at my belly and finding out the gender, it’s so hard for me to believe.  But my body is reminding me everyday that this is happening.  God really hears our prayers. Even the ones that we’ve prayed for for years and never thought would be answered.  He secretly waits for the right time to reveal Himself if we stay with Him.  I could have never written the story of my life.  It’s much too complicated and I would’ve keep all of the tragedy out of it.  But it’s the tragedy that has made the triumphs so sweet.  I can’t explain how this pregnancy, this miracle, has affected people. People I don’t even know were crying when they found out about our coming baby.  And I think it’s because Hope was being restored; not only in my life, but in thiers.  It’s a reminder that if God can do this for me, maybe He can do it for other people too. It has been a long winter, but the promise of Spring is here.

Thanks for reading about what God is doing with us.  If you are REALLY bored you can start at the beginning of the story here:

Journey to our blessing!

I will continue to blog as I know family is keeping updated here so please feel free to stop by.  It’s not always about baby stuff as life is much much bigger than baby stuff.  But as we continue to live out our new miracle I ask that you would keep us in your prayers and know that we are praying for God’s blessing and goodness in your life too.

 

Holy Moly..It's A........

First, let me say, I'm SO happy that everything is great with the baby. I was most concerned about that today as a little fear had crept in.  To hear the ultrasound tech say over and over "that's beautiful" was the best news I could have heard all day.  She would see the heart and say, "that's beautiful", the brain, "that's beautiful" and every little part of it's body.  Then she asked us if we wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and we said, "YES!".  So she looked, took a picture and said....

It's a.... 

click the link ;)

Reveal Day Eve

Nervous...

Excited!!!

Nervous....

Excited!!!

Nervous...

Excited!!!

Life - always mixed with joy, sadness and hope.

This has been a strange week.

It began on Easter. What an amazing time I had having family over.  Kari and family plus Lou and Dick came over to spend Easter with us.  We were so blessed by our neighbor Molly who let us use her apartment so everyone would have a bed.  Being with all of that family was so wonderful for my heart.   I am so blessed by people who love me, but it's so good to see family that I don't get to see very often. If only my brothers could have joined us, maybe next year. :)   We went for a long walk on Friday (my idea) to feed the ducks.  I thought it would be good to get out, and it was.  However, I didn't think about how the 1.5 miles might feel on my body.  I got a bit nervous on the way back as I was getting very tired, but I took the rest of the night easy and I was fine. The rest of the weekend we spent time just having fun and laughing.  It was so great.

Easter Sunday was met with finding baskets of candy and a sermon by one of my hero's Pastor Richard that talked about how Jesus is the only way and we shouldn't be afraid to say it.  Culture seems to take over our minds at times and we begin to believe in our hearts things that we are reasoning out. But truth is truth, always. It was a good reminder.

Our friends had a baby Easter Sunday as well!  They all were doing well although the baby was born a month early.  He had to stay at the hospital for the week, but he's doing better now and hopes to go home soon!

Monday came and I discovered a co-worker lost her mother on Easter Sunday.  When we went to the viewing she described how wonderful it was that her mother died on Easter.  She said it was the best way to celebrate her 96 year old mothers life and she deserved to go home on that special day.  It was sad to know her mother was now gone from earth, but it was a perfect departing.

I also found out Monday that a friend of mine who was going through fertility treatments like we did, did not have a positive result.  I was stunned.  So many were praying for her and I really felt like it was going to work.  There are no words to describe how I felt about that news.  Knowing that disappointment of wanting and thinking that this is it...when it ends up not being it.  I lived that for many years.  And as another friend told me once, 'Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't take away those deep feelings that I felt just a few months ago'.  That statement is so true.  I felt guilty that the treatment worked for us and not for them, but I also remembered that everyones story is different and this is my story, that is her story - AND that God isn't done with either of our stories yet.  That BOTH stories should and will be filled with hope and blessing and the goodness of God.  To be in His will is the best place to be.  Even if it feels like hell for awhile.  We will stand in the midst of fire, but not get burned.  If we stay close to him.  One of my favorite songs that I listened to all of December..Alright (click to hear).

So as I held the tiniest hand of a newborn in an incubator I thought of the sadness that also surrounded others in my life this week, and I was thankful for life.  I was thankful that there is still hope that things don't end with sadness or death.  New life comes. Life continues.  Life takes over.  Life brings laughter and joy, in the morning.  There is hope because there's always a tomorrow. God is good. And that little baby hand was precious.

As I held that little hand I kept looking at him and thinking, "Oh my word...this is inside of me..growing".  I can't explain how strange that is.  I've felt little movements this week almost everyday. I'm SO thankful! I was crying to drew and saying that I couldn't feel anything and then as I'm saying it, I DID feel something.  So through my tears I say, "I can't feel the baby....Oh wait..I'm feeling it now.....".  And Drew was like, "Are you serious?". Poor drew...maybe pray for him as my emotions are CRAZY!  He has been so awesome to me. He has been taking care of me so much. I'm completely blessed by him!

Speaking of Drew.... he was accepted to GRAD SCHOOL this week!!!!!!!!  He will be studying (pause while I copy and paste this degree..) M.A./Ph.D. in Depth Psychology with Emphasis in Jungian and Archetypal Studies. Doesn't that sound fun? Basically he wants to teach at the collegiate level and hopes to study more on why man believes what he believes and the core needs of man.  That's about 1/18th of what he wants to do. haha.  He could describe it WAY better than I, but all I know is I'm proud of him. He takes 2 classes at a time and has over 200 pages to read in the first week.  I'm gonna guess cartoon watching will take a backseat for awhile.  ;)  He's so excited and I love seeing him be able to start a life long dream of his.  God is starting a lot of amazing things in our lives.

SO---this week we find out BOY or GIRL! I've had several people changing their minds in the last minutes of guessing.  I will keep my guessing to myself, but I know either way this baby is created for something amazing.  Don't worry, we WILL post this week when we find out and you will be the first-ish to know. I also think we might post on facebook this week.  I'm feeling more confident about just putting it all out there.  Why not, right? We are all in this together. (Don't leave me now people, I NEED YOU!)

Ok--that's the update for now.  Hope you are all happy and blessed.

Sweet 16w and it's skate-tastic!

ice rinks are cold, just fyi

she's on the left

Today was sort of a date day for drew and I.  We headed to Ann Arbor to see a niece (well, adopted niece, still counts) skate in her ice skating recital. She did amazing and the show was pretty fun. I've never been to an ice skating anything so it was cool to watch the different age groups skate, dance, jump, twirl and smile on the ice. There were the 2 year olds who came out of a rocket and basically the goal was to not fall down.  They skated forward, waved and then back into the rocket.  They all had on helmets and they were CRAZY cute.  Even Drew was like..O--K-- with cuteness. We visited with friends for a bit afterwards and on the drive home drew and I dreamed and wondered what our kids will be like.  Will they be artsy or like sports? Will they be in the math club or on the swim team? It's so interesting to think about. We agreed that we don't really want to be busy but also understood in a bigger city like what we live in things are so competitive and expensive. We don't like that. But bigger cities have lots of opportunities.  This is good.  But in smaller towns they probably don't have as many opportunities but things are cheaper and maybe less competitive.  Is there a place where we can have both worlds?

I was in dance when I was 5. We moved and then I wasn't in it anymore.  I wonder if that was because the cost was more or if it was because I begged not do it.  I was shy then and didn't want to move. So meeting new kids wasn't high on my list. Maybe my mom thought keeping me from dance for a year would help me.  But then I never went back to dance.  I do wish she would've kept me in it. I seemed to develop a habit of not being in or finishing much of anything as I grew up. I tried softball but was afraid of getting hurt so I quit after a year. I did stay in choir, but never felt like I excelled at it. It might not come down to dance, but there's so much I wish my parents would've made me do.  I wish I would've learned piano even if I didn't want to. I would know how to play right now, but I don't.  I can't swim because after one year of lessons I hated it (because I couldn't swim and I was in the beginner class while my friends who could swim were many classes ahead of me).  I felt like I never really got good at anything.

Now I know that I had lots of talents but I never applied myself to any of them.  I'm sure it was hard for my parents as I know I complained a lot too.  Oh, and I was lazy.

I want to have a balance in my life with kids. I want to do fun things but also know that it's ok to stay home and do "nothing."  Life is so crazy busy with always doing things that we never really stop to enjoy life. One of my favorite days last summer was when Drew and I packed up a picnic and took Ajax to the local park. Ajax freaked out a bit, but I thought it was peaceful and relaxing (until we noticed bugs were falling on us from the trees above - YIKES - not...good and a party pooper for sure).  But it was good to slow down.

I've realized it will be hard to get balance in life when the baby gets here when I feel like I can't even get balance now.  There are so many things that I want to do.  Today I made a list of 10 things that I want to get done but having trouble finding the time to do them.  One of those things is make a grocery list/plan for dinners. Another is clean.  UGH.. I can't figure out why these things are so hard. I know I've been working a lot lately, and I'm prego etc. but it seems like women who do those things PLUS grad school and/or having other kids get these simple tasks done!  I'm not sure where my time goes or what my problem is.

I was thinking about the baby girl name we picked out tonight. It sounds so perfect. No, I don't know that we are having a girl. But we really only have 2 girl names and one stands out over the other. We have several boy names. Drew has been collecting these names for years. He literally has a list of at least 20.  It will be strange in 2 1/2 weeks to find out what we are having.  Honestly, I'm more excited to see the baby again.  I haven't felt movement yet which I know is normal, but I've been praying for at least flutters. There are times I think I feel it, but I can't be sure that's really what it is.  I can't wait till the baby moves every day.  I know it will be the strangest feeling in the world. I can't imagine. I'm excited to see its face. The last ultrasound it was so tiny it looked like a peanut. It did have legs - kicking - but that was unusual for that age. I was thankful as I believe we have a strong warrior inside of me right now.  We are going to get the 411 on 4-11.

Tomorrow I am being blessed by going shopping with one of my special aunts. I feel overwhelmed to be blessed by this. She wants to take me to get a few maternity clothes and even just writing about it makes me cry. I guess because it makes me feel so loved. She doesn't have to buy me anything, but just knowing that she cares enough to spend time with me really makes me feel loved by my mother.  I know mom would be so excited to be a grandma again, even if it would be her 8th grandbaby.  That's weird to think about. She would be making all kinds of baby stuff for me. Blankets, burp clothes and who knows what else! She was a creative one!  I know she is so thankful that I am so taken care of and blessed by SO many people in my life.  I have already received so many special gifts. Even one of my best friends mom (mama V - LOVE YOU!) made me a special pair of booties for the baby.

I just started my 16th week and with that I'm feeling pretty good. There are still strange pregnant things that are happening to my body that I will spare you the details since uncles are reading--you're welcome- but just when I think the new normal is normal my body does something else that's different. Then I get an email update about my pregnancy and it explains the exact thing that's happening to me and how that too is normal.  It must be God sending these emails so I don't freak out. haha. 

Even though this is my 15 week picture, I pretty much look the same. I received a special shirt that is SO cute and I will be taking pictures in that as I grow as well.  So I will leave you with my growing thankful body.

baby bump

A perfect beat

Today we went for our second appointment with our new doctor.  I was a bit nervous for several reasons.  The first is that I had to tell the dr. that the nurse was rude to me this week when I was trying to get a prescription. The second reason was that little fear that something might be wrong.  I guess that's the part of me that still feels like I can't believe God would give me this gift.  It really is unbelievable to me.  The dr. really didn't say anything about her nurse except that I should never feel rushed or feel like I can't ask a question or ask for something that I need.  She said she would remind her to take time with the patients.  But honestly, I didn't feel like my dr. was that concerned about it.  I've realized the office I picked is all business.  My dr. has been delivering babies for a long time and she is very straight forward about how she feels about birthing and delivery.  I have full confidence in her as a dr. and I know everything will be fine. I explained the pains I've been having and she said that was normal as things are stretching etc.  She said the ovary pain I was feeling could've been a cyst that grew early in pregnancy and then burst. She said that was normal.  She seemed a bit rushed today too.  It kinda aggravates me but not enough to actually start over with a new dr.  It seems like a lot of work to start over.  idk.  I don't hate my dr. I think she's very smart and knows what she's doing for sure. She just doesn't...baby me.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

She found the heartbeat right away. :)  She said the baby is growing so it's a stronger beat. She said it was perfect. It was beating at 147 and it sounded heavenly. I wish there was a way to lay there for several minutes but it seems at these appointments they find it and listen for about 20 seconds and then it's over. Just like that.  Hardly time to cry.

So I found myself an app. (well actually Laura found it)  It's a stethoscope app that you can use with headphones. I used it with my speakers at home. It basically acts just like a stethoscope and you press the microphone into your skin and you can hear your babys heartbeat. I've tried it a few times but haven't heard it yet.  The lady in the video was at 24 weeks though.  I'm only 15, so...there's that.  But I'm gonna keep trying!

4 more weeks and we find out boy or girl.  So we've picked some names just in case it goes either way.  Kelly, Tomi, Joe, Leigh, Drew...well, I will leave it at that. Until then I'm going to try to start writing in my baby journal.  Another hurdle I have yet to conquer.  Soon though....

So that's the report for today. I'm thankful for a good appointment this morning. I wasn't feeling well last night.  I got home from work and was so frustrated because I had to lay down.  I felt like I was being hollowed out down there.  It was achy and made my stomach upset.  I was better this morning and then this afternoon it felt bruised again. I know it's the round ligament stuff, and it's ok, but it does get tiring.

Speaking of that, I'm off to bed.  Kind of a boring post, but wanted to let everyone know things are going better than great. :)

Blessed.

2nd tri - what?

Wow. Here we are, second trimester. I can't even believe it.  I will say though, whoever said it goes by quick was a LIAR! haha.  I don't feel like it's going by quick, but that's probably because I'm still super in tune with every tiny, little thing that is going on in my body right now.  Drew said he's going to make me do relaxation things at night because he thinks I get too stressed at times. He said he thinks thats why the first born is always a type A personality.  Cuz the moms are always uptight and nervous.  I guess it sort of made sense.  But I don't feel stressed, I just feel..pregnant I guess.

A pic - because a friend said I should take them even if I don't share. Here's me!

14 weeks and counting....

I feel like I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't mean to complain because obviously I have prayed so long for this.  I've just realized I have a hard time with change. Even if it's good. It just takes time to adjust and this is a HUGE change in my life (obviously).  Lots of emotions/hormones etc. still flowing strong and as a good friend pointed out to me today, I'm gonna have to start believing this is real at some point and start planning and thinking of the future. It is hard. I have to admit. I have a new respect for all women who have had to trust God for their pregnancy and then trust him for the birth. And then trust Him for that first night when the baby is home. And then trust Him for when they start eating hotdogs and cheese and when they go to Kindergarten. And then trust when they are away for more than 2 minutes.   Oh man..yeah, this is my new normal.  My new understanding of trust. I think I'm learning trusting God comes in many levels.  Like faith, once you step out and move on faith and feel awesome, tomorrow there will be another circumstance to question Him again.  I hate being an Israelite.  But I find myself walking that hot path with the sand beneath my feet complaining about food and water and clothes that don't fit and round ligament pain.  God is so faithful. He has ALWAYS proven Himself faithful to me. He will do the same for my kids.

So I've been getting a bit more energy back these last few days and I'm hoping this is a sign of things to come!  I've been working a ton the past few weeks, and that will continue for the next few weeks.  We have a project at work that's taking some time.  It's a good thing, but it's tiring. I've been trying to take it easy and only work when I can.  But yesterday I took a break and got to work on a book I'm putting together. I have a few projects in the works.  I hope I can complete them.  I think I should now that I have a bit more energy. Yesterday's book was a book of our IVF journey. Mostly just a place for me to keep notes and papers from the process and all of the prayers and journal entries that went along with it.  I'm also putting together a book of messages if you will.  I've been going through my journals over the past 12ish years and writing down anything that anyone said to us about having children.  Dreams, prayers, words, etc. It's not a book to share with others necessarily, (although anyone can see it) but it's a book for my kids to read and know how much God loves them.  I want them to know that God spoke to tons of people about them years before they were born. I know God has a huge purpose for my kids. I just want them to know it as well. It's one thing to have your parent tell you you're special.  It's another to read about your story before you were born.

I thought I would share one story from that book with you.

In 2009 when drew and I moved to Rochester, we moved into a one bedroom condo. It was very small and very cheap but exactly what we prayed for.  We wanted to be squished together as we had just survived the roughest time of our marriage. We also wanted to save money and pay off some bills etc. So we moved in and it was wonderful.  One day we noticed a leak in our pantry. I called our landlord and she sent over a guy to fix it.  I was home alone that day and not feeling so good. I was struggling with why God was having us wait so long to start a family.  I was frustrated and felt alone and forgotten.  Before the fix-it guy showed up I told my neighbor that lived below me if she heard anything strange or if I pounded on the floor to come up right away since I was alone and this strange man would be there for hours.  She was totally on board.  A few hours later there was a knock at my door. I opened it and there stood a man dressed in painters clothes and a smile. He was a middle-aged man who seemed very nice. I let him in and he began fixing and painting.  He asked me what I did for a living and I told him about our ministry.  He thought we were a band even though I said drama ( a common occurrence) and I didn't correct him.  After a few minutes he asked me if I had a guitar. He said he used to be in a band and had written a few songs that they never performed but he said he would love to share them with me.  I was like "uh...ok Mr. Painter guy, you can play a song for me".  Ok, I was more like, "Oh, sure!". As he tuned my old guitar I quickly realized this guy was an extremely good musician.  He told me he used to play out in California with the Mamas and the Papas when they were big. He didn't think I knew who that was, but I couldn't believe this guy was PAINTING MY PANTRY!  So after tuning the guitar he started to play........



(if you don't see this player, it will show up soon)

I cried as he played.

I couldn't believe that God would send someone (an angel I thought) to me on the day that I felt alone and hopeless to remind me that Abraham and Sarah, Elizabeth and John and others waited.  And then God brought a promised one. It reminded me that He is faithful. He does see me. His Promises do come true. There IS a plan and God says, "Just hold on a bit longer".  After sitting in awe of what was happening my neighbor ran up because she heard music and was confused.  She also sat with me as he played it again and I recorded it. Then he asked to play another...




A song from my unborn child. wow. I was speechless.

After this song he got up and said, "Well I should get back to painting."  I just sat there dumbfounded with what just happened.  Have you ever been in a moment where you feel like Heaven just opened up for a moment and you felt the presence of the One that loves so deeply.  I know these aren't the greatest songs, but to me, they were written years ago by this man who was 1/2 stoned playing music on big stages yet still allowed God to come and use him to write these words for a girl who in the middle of her story felt alone and forgotten. God works like that. He knows our stories from beginning to end and so He takes the time to set us up for Love Moments. Just brief blinks that show us that He is here, and He is working it all out in the perfect time.

My favorite scripture is Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." I love to think about the place where I was before I was in the womb. The place where it was just me and God. He knew me, I knew Him. And then I came here.  When this painter man was singing I kept thinking this was a song to me from my baby who was with God right now. And not only was I wishing he/she was with me, but he/she is wishing the same. Dreaming of a time that would come. A beautiful song.

Sometimes I stand in awe of God's amazing story in our lives. The way He continues to bring amazing things to my life. Dreams and Promises coming true. Kingdom time arriving.

One of many stories to come.

I find myself happy

I just found myself moving in my chair to the sounds of jazz music that my husband had playing in the background. I didn't realize I was doing that and it hit me all of a sudden, I'm happy.

I've been happy for a long time, but a friend of mine gave me a card a few weeks ago that said "she never realized how perfect she felt until now".  And it's so true. To know there is a little one growing just inches from my heart is the most amazing indescribable feeling. I learned that this week it is moving and if I push hard enough the baby would respond to that. It also is learning to suck. Just thinking about a little 2 inch lime sized baby sucking is amazing to me.

I've been doing well, feeling well. I'm working a lot right now so I have to be careful with my free time as I feel very tired most of the time.  This post will be short because of that.  I just got home (at 10pm) from work, dinner and grocery shopping. Drew is amazing. He's putting all the groceries away and picking things up before he goes to bed. He told me to go to bed, so naturally I listened but thought I would blog for a min first. ;)

I just discovered that family is coming in March. I'm so excited about that! Kelly is coming at some point, not sure when, and Kari and family are coming for Easter. I'm so thankful that they are willing to come to me. I miss all of them so much.

I went out in the snow storm last friday morning to find myself some pants that I could wear to work. I've decided I need to feel comfy and my other pants aren't doing it. So, I found ONE pair. But I guess that's better than nothing.  I have several jeans my friend gave me, but I really needed dress pants. That's what I wear everyday so I have to feel comfy at work.  So with that purchase that brings me to 3 pairs. :)  Happy me.  I was overwhelmed with love from a friend that I haven't seen in over 10 years. Her and her husband support our ministry (the only people who have faithfully given every year since the beginning of our ministry. AMAZING!) and I sent a letter recently sharing what's happening in our lives. She sent me a great letter back sharing with me stories about her children (now VERY big and practically out of the house) and how faithful God has been for her and her family. She also gave me a generous gift so I could go get something nice for myself. Little did she know that I needed dress pants so bad and the day I had a meltdown about feeling "fat" that letter came. God is so kind to me.

There is more I could say as people have been pouring themselves out with joy and prayers for us, but I have to go to bed. I'm so very tired and we are up early for work tomorrow. Thank you all for continuing to pray for me and the baby. I know that it is why this baby is growing so well and feeling so much love. I'm so blessed.

Good night for now....

xoxo

kat

Smiths + 1 = 11 Weeks

Hello 11 weeks!!!!

Here we are at the beginning of week 11 and I can't believe it.  We had our first OB appointment today.  I was extremely nervous.  We walked in and I stumbled over my words while trying to 'sign in'. I then fumbled through my purse to get my insurance card and proceeded to turn around knocking things off the shelf.

"Sit down and breathe!", Drew told me.  "I'm nervous!", I said back to him.  He smiled and said he knew that and that it was ok.  We were about to say a prayer together when the door opened and it was my turn. Those nurses never come when you want them to and the moment you need a minute, there they are! I went in and got weighed (NOT my favorite part) and then the nurse showed me to a room where she asked me a few questions as well as asked Drew a few questions. She told me the dr. might want to do an exam so I was to get ready for that. Dr. W came in and she was so excited about our pregnancy.  She's a straight shooter kinda lady, yet very laid back.  She's experienced and has been doing this for over 20 years. She congratulated us and then we talked for a bit.  She told me my pregnancy has been great so far. That we were really lucky to get pregnant the first time and that we were equally lucky to only have one.  She said twins, although cute etc cause a higher risk to the babies as well as the mother. I knew all this, Dr. B said the same thing, but I guess the more I hear it the better it makes me feel that I only have one. Even though I still cry sometimes about the one that vanished. She said everything looked great. She did a quick exam and then she pulled out her monitor, squeezed the goop on my belly and for the first time in that office with that doctor I heard the heartbeat. I don't think I will ever get used to hearing that noise. It was 170 and she said that was right on track. It sounded healthy. I'm doing it right. The baby is living. God is protecting it. It is still growing! She told me because everything is going so well I am NOT high risk and I won't have to go back for FOUR WEEKS!!! UGH>>seriously, there should be a special lane for IVF patients (especially ones that have waiting for over 12 years) to have ultrasounds every other week. I mean, waiting 2 weeks was hard, 4 WEEKS?? I'm gonna need some distractions.

After the next appt. on March 13th we will wait ANOTHER 4 weeks for the next appt. which will include our ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby.  Yes we are going to find out. Yes we are going to share. I'm not one for that kind of secret. I mean, I can't keep it that long, nor do I have the energy to try.  And I've waited this long, I'm done with the whole waiting thing. I really think for me knowing the gender will allow me to bond with the baby too.  I'm excited to find that part out. :) But again...8 weeks away. 8. (Lord help me!)

Drew and I left the office and as soon as I got in the car I started crying. I cried for the next few hours. Yes, that means at work. Yes I had to explain to Mark the guy I share a cube with that I'm crying because everything is great and I'm happy and not to worry. (he offered me his kleenix AND his wife's number who is a labor and delivery nurse. I might have scared him a little. haha) But I just couldn't get over the fact that I was in that office. I know, it sounds strange. I mean, I LOVED hearing the heartbeat and that made me cry a little, but what I was majorly weeping over today was that I was one of "them".

I've been going to that office for at least 5 years now for my yearly exam. Every time I go I see pregnant women and they are all cute reading their little pregnant magazines. That was never me. I thought that would never be me. Ever. So although I was happy for them, I secretly rolled my eyes at their glowing face and smooth hair. I longed for there to be an office where I could go for my yearly without being reminded that I was NOT in that club nor was I going there anytime soon. Dr. W was the one that encouraged us to think about IVF. She told me she thought we had a really good chance for it working. It was strange to go back to that office as me-the new pregnant lady. Me. I sat in the chair (after picking up everything I ran into) looking at those magazines sitting on the table. I could read those now. I kinda wanted to, but there was something in me telling me that was still for 'them'. I know it sounds crazy cuz it's just an office and they are just dumb magazines, but for me it was 12+ years of avoidance of something that was extremely painful to me. So to look at them and know I now have free admission to read them and be there, well, I just felt bad. Disbelief. Undeserving. Confusion. Nervous. Confliction. That was what I was feeling before they called my name and made me step on that stupid scale.

But today I conquered one more hurdle in that old land where I used to live. I showed myself that I do belong there now. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I'm a mother. I'm responsible for something that has a heart and it's beating. I'm doing my best and for now, I guess that's enough. I can't believe that God is letting me experience this. I feel like He was with me this morning smiling and whispering, "You were always deserving of this. It's just the beginning". He's just so so good to me. He has surrounded me with family and amazing friends and amazing co-workers (who are really just good friends). I'm so thankful. So blessed. This baby is so blessed. I love it so much already. Who would've thought that was even possible. That I would even have a baby to love. It's amazing how much love gushes in, even when you just open the door a crack.

I even got a special bag full of goodies from the doctor today. And guess what was in it? A cute little pregnancy magazine. Just for me.