not yet....

In 12 years (or really my whole life) I've never wanted my period to start like I do right now.  My last pill was on tuesday so ..... any...minute now....

Once it starts I'm supposed to call the dr. and make an appointment for an ultrasound.  That's when they discover how many follicles I have this month.  I'm praying for many.  They are naturally formed each month in varying numbers. Last month I had 13, so I'm hoping for good numbers!  No new news in fertility world.

We DID get our truck today.  It's been quite a story. We bought a Jeep Commander (used) and the engine light came on while we were driving it home. SO--it went to our shop, then back to the dealer, then one engine replacement (and month) later we picked it up. This was today. I was so excited to finally have my 'new' truck. When we got to work coolant was pouring out the bottom.  Our friend Mark looked at it and said he thinks a clamp was loose. So back to my shop it went.  As I was driving it with the check engine light and classical music blaring, I reminded myself how lucky we are.  I mean, yes, things have been challenging lately and I'm feeling pretty stressed, but we are safe. We have food. We are healthy (except my mystery tooth pain) and we are SO very loved. I have nothing to complain about. I am most blessed.

OH! ok, I will share one funny story of the day. Drew and I have been buying farm fresh eggs from some friends at church who have chickens. They are SO good.  Today the Mr. wrote me on facebook and asked, "Hey Kat! How's it going? Just wondering if you need more eggs?".  When I get a message it shows up on my phone and I can only see so much of it so that's all I saw.  I thought..."um....how did he know we were doing fertility treatments? And WHY oh WHY would HE ask me if I needed more eggs? Does he want to give me some? Or does he want MINE?"  Needless to say for about 10 seconds I was very, very confused. But after realizing he just wanted to sell me some chicken eggs, I had to laugh.  bawk! bawk!

twothurty

What a day.

So many blessings and a few bouts of stress.  I woke up last night around 3 am sweating and my mouth was throbbing.  In October I had a root canal on one of my back teeth.  I will spare you the details but I had to go back 3 times for them to make sure they got it all.  It was bad. But when I left things seemed to be fixed.  Last night that tooth started hurting.  So I woke up exhausted and frustrated. I don't have time or money to fix this tooth. Nor do I want to deal with this 3 days before I start taking medication for treatments. And I'm not even sure I CAN take medication or get my tooth fixed or get x-rays.  I went to work feeling tired and a good friend of mine asked me how my morning was going.  I wanted to cry right in front of her.  Suzanne encouraged me to go to the dentist to at least get an x-ray because without that we don't have any information, we are just guessing.  I was nervous. But she was right. I called and they got me in at 11.  After they took the x-ray I sat in the chair listening to the nurses say things like, "see that?" "oh yeah, wow, ok".  And I just looked straight ahead. I was left a lone for a minute and I just looked up and confessed out loud, "God, I need you.  I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this again. I need to focus on other things. Please God".

The dentist is an older man who wears a magnifying glass on his eye glasses. Today he was smiling and I appreciated that. He looked at the x-ray then tapped on my tooth. He asked me if I clinch my teeth at night. I said yes and that I have a night guard but don't wear it often.  He told me my x-ray today looks the same as the last time I came. He believes I'm clinching my teeth at night and it's causing my gums to hurt. He prescribed me a z-pack and told me to wear my night guard.  I told him I'm nervous because we are starting treatments soon.  He told me he can work on my teeth even if I'm doing treatment but that he wouldn't have to.  Then he smiled and wished me luck.

I left Praising God SO MUCH for what he did for me. My tooth still hurts but I'm on the z-pack even though I don't like it.  I called my nurse Patti today to ask her if it was ok to take the meds and she said I will actually take them during retrieval too so it was fine for now. I don't know if this z-pack will help me, but maybe it will clear my sinuses. Nurse Patti is very positive and kind.  She said, "I guess I will talk to you in a few days!".  It makes me feel excited. :)

My fertility medication arrived today! I had to have it shipped to my friend Jen's house who was more than a bit nervous to watch over my box till I got there.  She did great. ;)

I got home and ignored the box till after dinner. A lady called me earlier today to tell me I could call her and she would go through the box with me.  I thought that was a little weird until I opened it.  After removing loads of bubble wrap (the best part of the box I might add) I saw a boxes and bags. None of them making sense. I called my point lady, Mary.  She was driving but instructed us to put all the meds in a pile and everything else (needles etc) in another pile. Then she had us read them to her and she explained what they were and when we would take them.  It was EXTREMELY helpful.

I also talked to Naz (yes) who is giving our truck a new engine.  Still feel stress about that and not sure how that's going to end, but supposedly it will be fixed by tomorrow. We will see. Oh, and I don't think he called me baby today, but I'm really not sure.

Over all I was stressed and wanting to cry most of the day. Probably partly because I'm pms-ing and partly because I do feel a lot of stress. Tomorrow is a new day. Another day of waiting. One more thing checked off the list. I just need to calm down and keep breathing.

Hoping to sleep tonight.

Milk + Nerves = bad

It's been a pretty good day today.  I've been waiting to hear about my car (did I mention we bought a used car about a month ago and it blew a head gasket the next day?) but still no word.  It is getting fixed and by God's Goodness the salesman is helping us out.  BUT- that means we wait and wait.  Eventually we will have that car.  It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.  I had cream with coffee this morning. And with my breakfast.  And with my dinner. And with my nightly coffee to help me get through children's musical rehearsal. I learned too much creamer is a very bad thing. Needless to say, Drew had to run most of the rehearsal tonight while I was in the restroom not resting. So thankful for Drew!
I just feel nervous.

#1 Rule for fertility treatments: Don't stress about anything.

I'm glad we picked December for this once in a lifetime treatment. But again, why not?  Perfect Love casts out all fear...and nerves.  :)  Just trying to focus on Jesus cuz I need a bit more of him.  So much more.

Today was a pretty good day. Took my last pill so I'm assuming my period will start by Friday at the latest. I got a call from our specialty pharmacy that our card was denied.  Had a small heart attack and then called to find out we just needed to raise our security limit.  A few more phone calls and all is well.  It will ship out in the morning. Meds, needles and such.  Yes needles, lots of them.  And a special cool box to put them in when I'm done. That's right, I'm cool.

My nephew Jonathan had to take growth hormone shots EVERY day for most of his life.  I keep reminding myself of that.  I can't be a wimp in front of him.  That would be SO embarrassing.  ;) I'm not really afraid of the shots though.  I can't really pin point where the nerves are coming from.  I'm embracing the process and actually finding it fascinating.  I think I do have fear that we will do the meds wrong.  But we are praying all good things over the meds.  God is good.

I talked to my boss today about the time I might need off for appts and the retrieval etc. She told me no worries and home life comes first.  I thought that was nice.  She then reminded me about a professor that just found out her daughter-in-law is having triplets.  They did IVF and had 3 embryo's placed. When they heard the heart beat the first time, they only heard 2.  The second visit they heard 3. I can't even imagine that in my wildest dreams.

I've never been to Alaska.  My sweet mother-in-law has and every time she talks about it I wonder what it would be like to experience that.  I can only imagine what it's like from movies and books. I can't actually place myself there and feel how cold it is or hear the ice fall into the water.  Being pregnant is kinda like that.  If you've never been, you can only imagine what you've seen other people go through.  You can't imagine looking down and seeing that plus sign, or having a baby bump, or going to THAT side of the store (the one I avoid) to look for clothes that fit or to actually FEEL something inside of you.  What a mystery. I'm ok with not ever feeling those things, but it's in this type of situation that you try. You try to imagine something you've never experienced. It's pretty much impossible. It's just a story you think is impossible.  But that's just it, it's not impossible.

I told a friend tonight that I just learned that Hope is believing in something where there is a possibility. Wishing is dreaming of the impossible. With God all things are possible, so we Hope. Seriously people, He raises the dead...like..for real! This isn't impossible for Him. So, we continue to Hope knowing there is a cracked door still open and I can almost see the promises on the other side.

Tomorrows goal? Refer back to #1 above.

Last day

So tomorrow is my last day of being on the pill.  It's strange to think that after 12 years of trying to have children I've been taking the pill for over 30 days. HA! But it's really for the doctors to be able to control my ovulation etc. so I get it.

Today I ordered my "it costs as much as a used car" baby making medication. I went over it 10 times with the nice lady- Wendy.  I kept saying, "I'm sorry, can you spell that again" and "Now how many viles of that am I getting?" She kept repeating it over and over but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening. She went on to explain that I have no return policy and I also have only 72 hours to make sure my order is right and I'm not missing something. (I DID hear that part) The truth is it's really scary to me.  When I made the call to place the order I was shaking.  I actually hung up and had to call again.  No, this is not when I placed the order, that was last week.  I've had the order on hold to the very last minute just in case.  In case of what? I'm not really sure.  I hung up the phone and started crying.

I told Drew I was PMSing.  He reminded me I was on the pill and my body doesn't know when that will stop so it probably wasn't PMS.  I told him to shut up.  haha, but I guess he's probably right. I don't remember how the pill works. It's been awhile.

When I think about the process of taking shots, one in the morning, one at night...I don't feel scared. I know Drew is going to do most of that and let's be honest, he's pretty smart. Thank God!  I would be mixing meds with who knows what! I don't know how some women do it alone.  I know we get to a place where we hurt so bad we will do anything to fill that gap inside us.  I don't really have a huge gap.  I have a longing... a yearning... for family...but not a gap, meaning I don't feel empty. I just feel like something is missing.  

So it's done. Ordered. No going back now.  Meds show up on Wednesday but probably wont need them until next week.  3 deep breaths. It's going to be ok.

The people that Hope, Win.

Past my bedtime for tonight. Sweet Dreams to us all.

Praying for December Miracles

OK ~ December…ready or not, here we come!  I'm ready though. I'm scared, but ready. 

The Short (drew's 'get to the point') Version: 

Drew and I have been saving all year to try one more fertility procedure. It's a doozy, but we feel we must rule out every option as we continue in our journey to our family.  In 2 days we will start our walk towards In vitro fertilization.  We are asking for prayers for December as we push through this process. The process starts in the later part of this week and we will know if it works by the end of December. Please pray this treatment is successful!  We are believing God for a miracle or 2 or 3 but no more than that, cuz that's just crazy  ;)  .  Thank you!

The Longer (kat tells every detail) Version: 

For those of you who are interested in what In vitro fertilization is exactly, I will describe it towards the end of this post.  But the bottom line is we are going to a specialist to remove a few of my eggs so they can be fertilized in a lab with Drew's sperm.  They rest and grow in the lab for a few days and become embryos.  Once they are ready, they will be put back in me and we pray for God's creating miracle to begin.  We will know if it worked by the end of December.  In the fertility world, this is the big one.  I remember reading about this in some chat rooms years ago when we first started our journey towards children and I couldn't imagine doing this test.  But God has a way of changing your heart, and maturing you as He leads you on different paths. I spoke to a girl tonight who recently found out they didn't have high chances of conceiving.  She said by the end of the conversation she felt inspired. We just talked about the many ways for God to bring us children. I sat and looked at my stone that says HOPE and my statue of the little boy with the HOPE balloon and I swallow hard as I know her journey is just beginning.  I hope their road to family is shorter than mine has been. I hope my road ends soon too.

I've been doing pretty good emotionally.  I am walking the delicate balance of one foot in, one foot out.  I can't be all in because if this treatment doesn't work and I'm all in, it will be devastating. I've been down that road too many times. I need to just trust God to know what's best. But it's hard. 

Today was baby dedication at church.  Sometimes I can't go, today it seemed ok.  It just so happened that the 2 families that were dedicating their kids were a couple with the last name of Cotter (not related to me btw) and a couple with the last name of Smith (also, not related to drew).  So the whole time Pastor Richard was saying stuff like "As we dedicate the Cotter-Smith babies ....." etc. I kept looking at Drew and laughing.  What are the chances, for real.  Sometimes I don't know what God is trying to say! Maybe it is a good sign.  

My sister has told me countless times (Laura has too), "Just take one step, then take the next step…" This is how battles are won.  One day at a time.  One step. One decision. One breath.  Breathe in deep….breathe out.  Yes, 3 times. (Great advice from Jenny) This changes my atmosphere, my thinking.  More good advice from Ryan today, "This week take a bath in your mind".  I will be thinking about that one for sure.  

So I'm going to try to blog every day.  I know most of you may not be interested.  That's ok. I know how that goes, we are all busy and have lots to do. So I will try to put a short (drew version) update on top and a "kat" long winded version on the bottom. This week we will be waiting.  I've been on the pill for a month (which is HILARIOUS!) so the doctors can control when I ovulate.  This process is an extremely timed out event. I will be checking my list and calendar daily, maybe hourly, to make sure I'm doing everything right. 

My week: 

Monday: Order expensive fertility drugs (no going back after this!)

Tuesday: Take my last pill

Wednesday: wait. 

Thursday: Possibly start my period or more waiting. 

Friday: Start my period for sure, and make appointment for ultrasound with doctors. If everything looks good…

Saturday: start 2 shots a day.  God help us. And by "us" I mean me.  But kinda drew too since he will be giving the shots to me. 

Let the fertility fun begin! Thank you for your love & prayers!

Explanation of In vitro fertilization for those who want to know: 

Wikipedia says: 

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside the body: in vitro. IVF is a major treatment for infertility when other methods of assisted reproductive technology have failed. The process involves monitoring a woman's ovulatory process, removing ovum or ova (egg or eggs) from the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilize them in a fluid medium in a laboratory. When a woman's natural cycle is monitored to collect a naturally selected ovum (egg) for fertilization, it is known as natural cycle IVF. The fertilized egg (zygote) is then transferred to the patient's uterus with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy.

But I must say, it's way more amazing then this definition.  Until I watched a few videos, I really didn't understand how incredible this procedure is. I was going to post a few tonight, but the internet is acting crazy.  I will try to post tomorrow.  Until then, thank you for praying and walking with us on this journey!

Mary's life

In the past 2 months things in our lives have gotten a bit crazy.  I had 3 dentist appts ending in a "I've never seen roots like this before. You're ruining our tools" kind of root canal.  I had an eye appt.  I've seen a new Primary Care Physician cuz my old one was awful at best. We decided to buy a new car, so we did LOTS of research and looked at several cars. We finally found one we liked and we bought it. Driving it home the check engine light came on.  You know where I'm going with that.  Several people in our lives are dealing with health issues, loss of jobs and cars and we've even lost a few special people that were dear to us.  They are now with Jesus. I've been taking 3 deep breaths, often. It does help. 

I'm reminded of this season and how every year Christmas comes sooner.  This year 2 weeks before Thanksgiving people were putting up Christmas lights, playing Christmas music and looking at Christmas displays in the stores. I started to wonder why every year it seems like people want to start the Christmas festivities early.  I love Christmas. I love the traditions of Christmas.  Even though mom and dad are gone and my season always seems a bit strange, I love the mystery of it all.  I love the Christmas magic that comes to children this time of year. I love the feelings of security, love and simplicity. I think many people do and as this world becomes more stressful we long for simpler times. Christmas is a season that represents this feeling. And if we can have one more week of simple times, please let it come.   

But that's not what Christmas was.  When Joseph and Mary were traveling they were running for their lives. They were traveling far from home, on a camel.  Imagine being 9 months pregnant and riding a camel.  For real.  My sister has a friend who rode a camel when she was 9 months pregnant.  She had the baby that week. I guess that works. If there was one word that I could use to describe this season for Joseph and Mary it would be chaos.  Fear would be a second word.  I mean think about it…an angel sent from God comes and tells you that you are going to have God's son. After being freaked out a bit, you realize the honor that actually is. If that happened to me, I would be saving my money or pulling whatever connections I have to make sure that the SON OF GOD is born in an amazing place.  I would want his first breath to be full of pure air with no toxins. I would want blue birds singing or at least the Tabernacle Choir.  I would have the finest sheets money could buy. I would have the room tempeture at a perfect 72 degrees.  I would have prophets and preachers and Spiritual leaders like Billy Graham to be there praying and praising as the Son of God takes his first look at this world up close and smiles.  

Mary must have been struggling. She had a LONG camel ride to think about how she had the privilege out of all the women in the world to bear God's son and she didn't even have a home to have him in. There wasn't a castle.  There were no fancy sheets.  His first breath was mixed with cow dung and sheep's wool.  Mary had to have been stressed thinking that she might have him on the streets.  But when she smelled the stable, maybe she thought the street would've been a better idea. I don't know. It was all wrapped up a little in fear, exhaustion and messiness.  But the Savior was born. And so we win. We hope. We live. We are redeemed. But I'm sure Mary was just hoping he made it through his first night. Promising him that she would take the best care of him as she possibly could.  But reminding him that wouldn't be like Moses life filled with fine foods and palaces.  But still, I'm sure she promised to give him the best she could. And she did. 

Perfect timing. Perfect Season.