one more for the road

The song that was sang to Johnny Carson on his last episode. It always reminds me of sadness, things ending. it is the song that comes for those who are closing a chapter in their book of life, to move onto the next chapter. I don't like ending these chapters, as they seem to be closing faster than i can keep up with. Yet, I know God has a great ending to this story if only i can hold on. Tony and Court, without even knowing it, you are one page away from ending this chapter. It has been a good chapter, not a perfect one, but one spent with goodness, with fondness. As i long for those days of closeness, i move on in my reality that people change, and i can't control life that goes on around me.

When i was younger, one of my favorite things to play was people. You know, the play school wooden (now they are plastic and bigger) little people that came with a castle or a boat or a barn or a house. (all of which i had thanks to my mom's garage sale expertise.) Despite having all of these buildings, i usually would set up camp on this bookshelf we had. It wasn't a bookshelf to me, it was an apartment building. Where 6 families could live. Some slept, some ate food, worked, and some fell in love. It was a beautiful world created by me. As i remember, no one ever died. No one ever left. There was a fight every now and then (everyone needs drama) but it was usually a jealousy thing that ended with hugs and new shoes. The world was perfect.

I guess there wasn't a forbidden tree in my land of little people. No freedom of choice. No real love or passion, just wooden people waiting for my every move.

It is hard to push through these deep feelings of abandonment and loss. Especially when it is chosen by others. Yet, a small, very small flicker is lighting something in me.

I think of my past and long for it. the good old days, but i think that is not where i need to be. my past is only created by the memories in my mind, not interpreted as truth to my heart. I only remember the happy, good things, which i think is a gift at times, but at other times, it makes it hard to enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

As my heart aches for those who have left, i cling to Christ's promises of the future. Where all things will be made new, and put together in perfection. I think the bible says, "made complete" which reminds me of restoration. All things restored. Things i long for.

Someone once said, "it is better to love and lost than to never love at all". I don't know who that was, but i think it is true. I would never want to change any of the time i have spent with tony, or any of those who have moved on, but the loss...it feels like freezing rain on my skin.