lost in chaos

i love the chaos, and hate the change. even when i know that things will get better, more peaceful possibly, it doesn't matter to me. At times i would rather sit in the middle of the chaotic road, with people passing by, and cars rushing at me, then go to a place of rest and watch others in the chaos.

What is it about me that doesn't like the change?

I feel like i have been in a dream these last few days. my mind is a cloud and i can't figure out what to do. I sit and watch people pass by me in the kitchen, in the living room, in the den, yet i just sit and watch. i don't feel like getting up. this dream state is my residence and i just don't feel like moving. i am stuck. at least for a few days.

My hands are tied, and i look down to see nothing holding them. huh, frustrating. that must mean it is about me. This is never good. My will is stronger than my desire to make the right decisions. I sit in a meeting and allow my words to cut like daggers for some reason. i don't feel like i am being rude, but my roommates, my colleagues tell me otherwise with their eyes. and words. But frozen i am. waiting for another moment to screw up with my silence, or not silence. Maybe he was right, maybe we are changing in ways i don't like. Values, things we never thought we would do...we walk into. But i trust them.

I don't like talking about a future i am uncertain of. or one that i don't feel like i have a say in. again i am lost in what God has for us, vs. what i would like to see.

i can not get out of the chaos. nor can i control it. i just pray that in the midst of it i don't get hit by the oncoming traffic.