The dove's twig

Have you ever had those moments when something happens, but it is so cool, it almost seems like a dream? I experienced that very thing this morning. Drew and i were on our way to the office to load up and leave for MO for the week. We were discussing things that are happening in our lives that are hard to deal with, and frustrating. It seems we have these on going conversations about life and we give them all to Jesus and then wait for him to fix them, but for some reason he doesn't . We were talking over why he doesn't fix things for us, in our time, and then i noticed something. It came and went so quickly i wasn't sure it had even happened. I looked up as we were passing a traffic light, and i saw a dove. Not just a regular bird, but a huge, white, dove flying over us. He had something in it's mouth as if he was taking it to his nest somewhere close by. He was carrying a branch with small blue berries on them. And then he was gone. I almost dismissed it like I do any other bird i see because it really isn't that unusual to see a bird fly over you. But there was something different about this one. It seemed to carry something other than just a branch, it seemed to carry purpose.

I was taken back to Noah and the ark and the people on the ark. I was thinking how frustrating it must have been to be on the ark for months at a time. The bible tells us it was at least 40 days without even seeing the sunlight. All stuck in a boat swaying back and forth on waves, filled with the smell of animals, and each other. I bet they were a bit frustrated by the end of it, or maybe even the middle. I am guessing they just wanted off that prison so they could run! But they were stuck. Being stuck, well, sucks. But we have all been there, in that waiting place. We have all been at a place in our lives where we are waiting and waiting, and waiting for God to do something. We pray daily for Him to make the floods go away, and raise up fresh land for us. I can't imagine stepping off the ark into a new world filled with lush grounds and adventure.

Yet, here I am waiting. "Give us a sign Lord!" I exclaim. And then, He did. "Hold on child, the flood is almost over".

wedding scramble

It was a busy morning as everyone hustled around getting ready for the wedding. BJ seemed untouched by the nerves that were in the house. He had dated Allison for years, been engaged for 23 months, and finally the day was here. His mother hurried about the house gathering her makeup to put on the faces of the bridesmaids once we got to the church. Her daughter Shannon could be heard trying to coral her 2 daughters, Grace 5 and Faith 2. Her husband Steve was trying to calm the crying baby, Noah, who desperately just wanted to be fed by his mother. Ah yes, the sounds of a wedding morning.

I could be found in the borrowed bedroom trying to catch a moment of silence. Everything seemed hurried, but then i heard little Faith in the hallway trying to ask her father something. "Daddy! Daddy!" Faith said. "Yes Faith?" Steve replied still thinking about Noah. "Why do you love me?". Faith had no idea what a profound question that was, nor was Steve ready for it. He replied staling, "Why do i love you?" "yeah" "well...because." Steve thought that answer would be good enough, but he was wrong, the silence stated so. So he continued to tell her, "Because, you are beautiful." Again, I was stealing a moment that was not meant for me. God allows me for some reason to do this at times. I was there, in the midst of them hearing intimate things. After that answer, everything started up again, the crying, hustling, the confusion. But for one moment, Faith was heard, Faith was restored.

"Because you are beautiful" wasn't really the answer I was looking for. At first I wasn't sure I liked it, I thought, couldn't he have said, "Because you are God's child, or because you are my daughter" I thought, what happens when her beauty fades? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is the perfect answer. What other words could he have possibly used to answer the perfect creation of Faith?
Beauty is more than outside adornment. It runs deep. It shows the character of the Father.

Amazing to me how God can bring Himself so close to my face in the middle of a morning. I thought of the times i have felt so alone. Times when I believed no one loves me, feelings of not being accepted by anyone. I thought of little Faith and how one day someone is going to tell her she is not beautiful and she will believe them. God created each of us so uniquely. In the midst of the wedding, with beauty all around us, roses, white dresses, candles lit, there were dozens of children longing to ask that question of their maker. "Father, why do you love me?" I must admit I fear the question at times, because i fear the answer at times. I don't want to ask a question that will not be answered, or answered with 'I don't' , or with 'just because'. But I don't think that will be the answer. I think God sees us a bit differently than we see ourselves. And I praise Him for that.

When we commune with the Lord, he doesn't want us to just eat the bread, and drink the wine. Commune means talk to, relate with, remember, understand. So every time we commune with Him, the maker, I pray we will come boldly to Him and ask "why O Lord, do you love ME?" and we will sit and hear him say back to us, "I DO love you, because child, you are mine, you are chosen, you are...beautiful."

Why the fruit?

When i see something i want, i have to have it. what is it in me that makes me this way? I wonder if God designed us to feel the NEED for things that we really don't even need. I sit here 'needing' a new white shirt to go with my pants i just bought a few weeks ago. I have a shirt, but it is long sleeve and wont do for the summer. honestly i have been wearing the same dress clothes for probably 7 years. I don't dress up that much, so why buy new clothes? but as i walked out of the Gap (just dropping in there to see what was on sale) with 3 new shirts because they were only $5 each, i wondered, "what am i doing?". I didn't NEED them. I don't NEED much. Yet I sat at the table today and filled in the blanks of my never ending checkbook and watched my money be organized away. Over things, i don't need.

My pastor talked about giving this Sunday. I usually don't like to hear those lessons, but than i guess, who does. Typically i think i am a good giver. I don't usually fee like i need to give more than i already do. They are doing a campaign to raise money for a few new buildings. The title for it is, "Possessing the Land", and the sermon was on "Equal Sacrifice-Not Equal Gifts". I don't think i equally sacrifice with people. I don't believe i wait for much of anything. Yes yes, i can't go buy a car, or an i-pod, but if i want a soda, i buy one. If i want a new shirt and it is under $15, i buy it. That is not sacrifice. And then i was thinking about the Garden of Eden. Eve saw something she couldn't have, and she wanted it. And she knew God said, "trust me, that is not good for you, so don't touch it", but she still wanted it. I wonder how long she stood and stared at that tree allowing the enemy to taunt her thoughts. She must have weighed out the good and the bad, thinking that it couldn't hurt that much. It seems the things we think will only affect us, soon take root and affect everyone around us, changing things forever. Things we might never see. So she gives in, and eats. I wonder if her face was still sticky with fruit as she hid from her Creator. He still loves. And I still stare at the things i must have.

My Shrink

Yup, i know, don't fall over, but today i went to meet my 'counselor'. I have been debating for years now my need to talk to a stranger about my life. I would think I needed it, and then i would have a good day and think, naw..i will wait. And to be honest, a part of me thinks that because i am married to drew and he has a counseling degree that he could help me. And when we first got married, he did. and honestly, he still helps a lot, but I just decided i needed to go. In a way, I want to experience what i tell so many people to do.

I have been fearful because my first experience was not so good. I decided a month after my parents died that i should talk to someone. so i went to the counseling center at CMU and they gave me a man to talk to. He asked me why i was there and i told him and he started crying because a few days earlier he had lost his father. So he was crying and i was like, "ok..uh..now what do i do?" so i left and never went back again.

So, here I am. Her name is Marcia Lama, and she reminds me of Mrs. Doubtfire, well, actually, she reminds me of my friend's therapist. She is older, with the soothing office, werthers on the coffee table, pictures of soft flowers, and the couch. She met me at the window where I signed in and handed me 10 pages of things to fill out. so i began to write my lifes story and didn't finish until i was sitting in her office and she was helping me. I answered questions like what are the names of my parents, do I or have i ever done drugs, how often, what kind, am i addicted, is anyone in my family addicted, abused, etc. What are my health issues, headaches, and what are my hobbies. After filling out the forms, she went through and asked me why i answered things the way i answered them. Basically, i was just telling her about my life. I explained why my life is stressful, or why i feel sad at times, or feel anxious etc.

I liked her. It was really a get to know you session, and i go back to meet again on Monday. I am excited about it actually. I am anxious to hear what she has to say to me. I am hoping she will give me things to work on, homework, and she will teach me to be a better person. I am just so thankful for God directing me to the right person. I hope it continues to feel that way. But mostly i just think it is cool that i can now say, "Well, my therapist says..."

The Weeping Woman

Yesterday onetimeblind spent the whole day in New York City. We had so much fun and our day was filled with laughter on every corner. We started out by walking to Times Square and catching the subway to Grand Central Station. We then took the subway to the bottom of Manhattan to visit the Statue of Liberty. When we finished there, we took a train to the Village, Washington Square Park, Little Italy, Central Park, St. Patrick's Cathedral, Rockefeller Center and finally ending up in Times Square again that night. We were told it would rain, but it only came when we were eating lunch and a little sprinkle at the park.

We all agreed that yesterday was a day where time seemed strange to us. By the time we got to Central Park, we had thought we had seen the Statue of Liberty the day before. And with every moment came a million drops of laughter and memories. Except one moment. The moment where everything stopped.

I had never taken the boat to the island before, so it was a new and exciting thing for me. I had been told it wasn't a big deal, but I thought it was one of the best parts of the trip. We walked to the pier to get our tickets and us girls needed to take a restroom break. When I washed my hands I noticed an older woman, probably in her sixties, air drying her hands and walking out. She looked Italian and was just as disturbed by the dirty bathroom as I was. But this was New York, and in Battery Park, so I didn't expect much more. As she walked away, I thought about how many different cultures are in New York. It is so amazing. Earlier in the day, we saw a school bus full of Jewish men. Ryan and Laura were crossing the street and they almost got hit by the bus. One would think God's chosen would be a bit kinder, but, I guess everyone has a schedule to keep.

We boarded the boat that crossed the waters to see the Statue of Liberty up close. I took pictures the whole way so I could get a good feel for how far away we really were on land. The boat was filled with people of every nation it seemed, and all of us seemed to have questions. "Are we stopping at the Statue first, or Ellis Island?" ,a man next to us asked. My friend replied, "I think they are the same island.". He was wrong, and the kind gentleman shortly told him so. Laura got sea sick on the trip, but I loved it. I liked getting closer the the lady who represents freedom to us all.

We stepped onto the island, and much to my surprise, it was filled with buildings. Gift shops, refreshments, workers buildings, etc. We walked to a tent that was filled with souvenirs and as I approached it, I noticed the Italian woman from earlier walking past me quickly, her face looked strange. I followed her back to a small sitting area. I was just wanting to make sure she was ok. It looked like she was going to cry, but I wasn't sure. I took a picture. I know I shouldn't have, I broke into her private moment and stole from it, but I didn't want to forget, and I knew I was learning something. I started walking towards her to ask if I could help somehow. Her husband past me and reached her first at which time I decided this moment wasn't really to include me. He talked to her. Stood above her. Sat next to her. And she cried.

As I walked away, I started crying. I knew the group would wonder where I was and what I was doing, so I tried to catch up. But I couldn't stop wondering why this woman was crying. It made me wonder if this moment, seeing the Statue of Liberty, to her, was worth more than the $3 magnet at the gift shop. I wondered if for her, it meant freedom. Maybe she came to America to have a free life and to start over. Maybe she misses her family that she left behind, and her husband can do nothing but tell her they made the right move. Maybe she is being ridiculed for leaving her country, and her family wont speak to her or her children any more. She cried.

I know the tears could have meant anything that day. But for some reason, I just felt they meant something dear, something precious. She knows something I could not possibly understand. She worked for something I inherited. She understands the cost of freedom. I walked on and stood in line to watch 100 lbs of pressure form an image of the Statue of Liberty on my penny. God bless the USA.

bunk time

April 30, 2005 Conyers GA

It is raining, and i am sneezing. It is the first thunderstorm of the season and I love it. I saw the lighting a bit this morning and heard the thunder roll. It was great except for the fact that i didn't want to get out of bed. So i took my shower and crawled back in for 5 to 10 minute increments until I had to get ready.

I feel tired. The past week has not been very fun for me. I don't usually like to talk about my 'hard times' because i don't feel like they are as hard as other people's. I know that sounds stupid, but I guess i just look around and think, i know i feel sad or upset, but compared to other people's lives, my 'troubles' seem...I don't know the word.

Yesterday i wondered if Mother Theresa ever felt sad, or frustrated. I heard one time that her feet were deformed because she would give up her shoes for others. And when she would finally get a pair, they would be too small, which eventually, deformed her feet. I wonder if she regretted that ever. Or just felt like giving up. But then again, she was always surrounded with people dying, and she had life. So maybe she had a constant reminder of her blessing of life. She would spend day after day serving, without complaint. Very remarkable. But it is in these times that i wish I could know her. i mean not like the Mother Theresa saint that everyone 'knows', but the real her. To hear how she dealt with days of frustration and sadness. I know she must have had them.

As i sat in my bunk all day on Thursday, i just wanted a place to be alone and cry, and think. One of the bad things about travel, ministry, and living constantly with 6 other people. Everyone wanted me to know they loved me, and i did know that. But i still just need time. I just needed to sit with Jesus awhile. We were silent for a long time. I thought about how people have had experiences with the Lord in times of silence and 'trouble'. So i waited. But nothing happened. No revelation, no words, no hand holding, no peace. The only thing i felt like i was left with was my determination to continue this journey.

spin, spin, spin

Spinning out of control:

I sat in the church as i watched Eden spin. She has been spinning a lot lately, just for fun. She turns her body and flies her arms round and round until she finally falls over in laughter. And i tried to spin with her, to quickly find out she spins longer than i do. I get dizzy before she does and wonder if it is because she is closer to the ground? And my spinning doesn't end with giggles, but with this feeling of nausea. So as i sat and tried to not puke I watched her spin more. More spinning. More giggling. And that is when i began to wonder, at what age did i stop liking the feeling of being out of control?

I remember being a child and flipping on this bar thing that was in our back yard. It was really a large pipe from an old well, but to me, it was a playground. I would spin and spin on that thing as the old paint chipped off into my palms. I didn't mind, i was out of control. I would eventually let go and land on the ground watching the clouds spiral around me. And i smiled. Why did I smile? Why did i like that? I am still not sure.

But my real question is, when did i STOP liking it? At what point in my life did i decide feeling out of control wasn't fun? It could have been when i wanted more independence. I got a 'real' job working at Ponderosa Steakhouse when i was a sophomore in high school. Yes, i was the buffet queen, honestly, I was one of the best, and i took pride in always having the potatoes full and the bread hot. And every friday, i would get paid. A real paycheck that i could spend how ever I wanted. I remember buying my first 'stereo' and my first c.d. (they had just come out you know!), The Little Mermaid soundtrack. Embarrassing i know, but true. I thought i was the coolest. I then 'stepped up' to working at JC Penny's in the jewelry department and I bought a few gaudy pieces, because, why not? It was the 80's and I was starting to be cool. I was working, and it was MY money, right? And then...i was off, Independence. I was in control.

At some point several years later i recognized that I wasn't supposed to be in control. That was sort of foreign to me, and liberating. I was supposed to be making my decisions based on God? hmmmm. I had to think about that, but began i slow process of actually trying it. I gave Him a few decisions to see if He could handle it, and i couldn't believe it when He could. Now it seems i struggle to allow the Lord to take back the control that i stole from Him. I lost my focus thinking i could make the rules and the decisions. ugh. backtracking is not fun. Relearning, rethinking, retraining, is not fun.

And what is up with the falling? Who laughs when they fall? Yet giggles galour is what i heard coming from Eden. What was she trying to tell me, that falling is fun? I don't think that was it. Maybe it is more than the fall. I have watched Eden get hit in the head from lack of feet control probably 100 times, i mean, give her a break, she is one. But she keeps going, keeps giggling. Strange. So it has to be more than just the temporary pain of the fall. Yes, yes, she has a diaper to cushion her, but I don't think she cares. I think she just likes to feel, well, out of control.
But if only I could somehow get back those feelings of spinning round and round. If there was a way to reach out and say, "My arms are out, i am going around AND it will be ok when i fall!". But instead, I avoid falling as much as possible. I avoid the point where i sit still because i have to, I can't walk; too dizzy.

Where is my giggle i long for? I believe it is lost in the spin I am fearful of.

it has been awhile..

Yes, it has been awhile. I have been so preoccupied with the project we are working on for otb that i haven't taken any time to blog. ugh. but such is life. we are having a great time out here on the road with our friend Johanna. She rocks, and it has been great to have her spirit with us. I am not sure we have all laughed this hard in some time. but God is so good in bringing things together. We are trying to get her to stay longer. we are secretly stealing her away forever....well, that is the plan anyway.

but now it is 2:32 and i am super tired. I am in Minnesota staying at a Salvation Army Camp. It is more like a resort. we are staying on the second floor and have a view of the awesome lake. we also have a fire place and drew started the fire earlier. I closed the door because it was getting cold in here, but that was a mistake because now our room is filled with smoke. But it still smells of camp fire, which is one of my favorite smells.

i would love to write more..but sleep i must. we are going to matt's tomorrow for a cookout. yummy. but that means i have to get up early.

the fire is slowly dying, as is my computer battery.

Too Much Coffee & I Must Pee

I have been crazy busy with no time to write. this often makes me feel a bit tense but I am trying to not stress out ...ooo that stupid kitchen is calling me. I need dish soap to do my dishes, and i need juice to health my insides. But i am sad that i missed the visit with my friends the armstrongs. i love them so much, and miss them. But as i was sitting on the couch yesterday still feeling sick, i was thankful for time alone. So i hope to see them again soon.

it seems there is always lots going on, but i can't really put my finger on what it is. except that drew is still sleeping, kelly works too many mornings, jason is leaving soon, eden had her first ice cream cone yesterday, i almost had my laundry done when i found more dirty clothes, my computer is super loud, God is ALWAYS amazing me, I still have an easter basket to deliver, i should shower, finish emails from January-ugh, when am I going to work out?, I have 2 movies from family.org but can't watch them because they are 2 parters and i only have the second part..i DON"T recommend renting there, but it was free, oh, and i have to pee. I made quiche (sp?) this morning, and forgot to put the ham in it, so now it is veggie. But this is my life. and to be honest, i kinda like it. ok, really...i have to pee

Ajax intro

We have a bunny. His name is Ajax. Ajax is a new bunny to us, drew got him for Christmas, which actually turned into Valentines because Ajax wasn't born yet. He is so cute and it is strange how God allows us to learn so much from him. I was watching Ajax the other day, and he is getting to the stage where I think he is teething. He is ALWAYS chewing on things. He will hop around the house and chew on the base boards, videos, cords, boxes, paper, even metal (although that doesn't work very well for him). We have been told that Ajax can be trained, which is a great thing. So we have taught him to use the litter box, just like a cat, and he is learning that "NO" means don't do something. Ajax's favorite things to chew on are my rugs and carpet. He will sneak over to my rugs and when I am not looking he will chew them. I don't really mind that much, but the problem is, if he ingests the threads off of the rug, he will get the equivalent of a hair ball. This for a cat is not a problem because they can hack it up, which is fun to watch. But for bunnies, the hair ball just sits there in the belly and eventually it has to be surgically removed. So to avoid the vet bill, and to help Ajax, we are teaching him not to eat carpet and rugs.

One day I was sitting on the couch and Ajax walked, well hopped, up and started biting at the carpet. I told him, "No, no Ajax!" and then clapped my hands in a loud way. This is how we were told to discipline him because you are never supposed to hit a bunny.
Bunny experts say they turn violent or something. I continued to discipline the only way I could, clap, whistle, yell loudly etc at Ajax, but he didn't respond to me. I did see him stop, then look up at me, but then continue to bite at the carpet. So I came towards him thinking this would scare him away from it. Nope. Then I got down on the floor and put my nose to his and said, "No, no bunny." but still, nothing. So I put my hand under his mouth so he couldn't chew anymore. It wasn't until then that he looked up at me and I had his attention. He finally hopped away. And I was thinking, "man, what is your deal bunny. This is not good for you, just trust me!" and there it was. Me and God.

I felt the frustration He feels with me when He is trying to get my attention, or telling me not to do something. I am so focused on what I want, that I am not willing to even look up at Him. Or maybe I do look up and decide not to do what He says. So He has to come to me, get in my face, and sometimes take away the thing that I am 'loving'. And only then will I look to Him and really SEE Him. And sigh in my frustration for wandering once more. Or like Ajax, just hop away to find something else, instead of staying with my master.

It is strange how God loves us anyway and just like with Ajax, two minutes after I was done telling him "no", he was making me laugh. Jumping, sniffing, playing with paper, and I sit and smile at him. And then turn my face up and smile again, just to say thanks.

me in Montana

This was taken a few years ago, but i wanted to try make sure i knew how to upload pics. Otb was in Montana and it was FREEZING! So we thought it was a great day for a photo op. and yes, my butt was cold.

dreams and such

So i have wasted all of my time that i wanted to write by trying to get to this page so i CAN write. Even with drew's great directions i was for some reason trying to create a new blog. Maybe this blogging thing is not for me.

But i will keep on because when i get frustrated about things and feel stupid inside, i remember Edison and how i have been told he tried hundreds of time before he discovered electricity. That is a lot of failing, but i am thankful he didn't give up. i like my hot water and my coffee maker. yes, i know, there would be other ways, but hey, i wouldn't be on the computer now would i?

i am realizing some of you might read my blogs and get to know the 'real' me. So, i guess that is the way it goes. you just might walk away going, wow, she is weird or better yet, mental. but i have decided i am ok with that.

I just remembered how i dreamed last night that i flipped off ryan during a show. it is strange though because the crowd was like a festival or something, but we don't do festivals. and i was mad at ryan about something and so i flipped him off. The crowd saw it, but i didn't care. i always dream. every night i dream of something. sometimes they are just silly, but my brother kelly tells me no dreams are silly. some are just harder to figure out. i think he is the smartest person i know. i have been tempted so often to send him all of my dreams and tell him to figure them out for me. or give me the deep meaning behind me running down my high school hallway with no pants on, or in this case flipping off ryan during a show. But i am afraid of bombarding him with meaningless dreams. and when i really do get one i want to know about, i don't want to use up all of my 'dream meaning' time with high school days, ya know?

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you thought for sure it really happened? i have had a few of them. and honestly, i am still not sure it didn't happen. i still expect to see some of the items that were in my dream. someone gave me a book in the dream and it was the most beautiful book i have ever seen. filled with events in my life, and things that mean the most to me. when i woke up from the dream i cried. i felt it was SO real. I was at an otb show and i had to (after waking up from this dream) some how shake off this dream and get in the van and go to eat dinner with the sponsor. it messed me up for the rest of the night. Maybe dreams are why i like the matrix so much. there is a difference between the dream world and reality, but we just are not sure which is which. we can think we are living in reality (my dad used to tell me, 'wait till you are in the real world!'. I should have told him I could hardly wait, and i couldn't wait till he got there either! dang, 15 years and now i think of what to say to that comment. figures.) yet i don't really believe this is the REAL life, but just something we are in for only 100 years. that is not a very long time. i know it seems like a long time--like when i sit in the doctors office waiting...waiting...waiting... but soon enough the doctor comes. I am trying to live a life in the 'dream' i can not see yet. i feel it in my bones, and i know that it is there, calling me back..home. but i am stuck here for a time.

This is NOT the adventure. this is like the painful sucky time where we have to get ready for the adventure. you know, like when i go camping. packing the truck, getting the food ready, what will i wear, where should we go, do you have the map?, don't forget the hiking shoes, and the extra cash, and the good music. then finally, we are in the truck. only to turn around and go back in, because we forgot our coffee. (can't tell you how often we do that) when i go camping. Drew HATES the getting ready. he looks at me and shakes his head. he doesn't like all the stuff I do to get ready to go. But i keep working, planning for one reason. Campfire. there are lots of things i love about camping, but the one thing i love the most, is the campfire. as i pack up, i can see myself sitting there smelling the wood burn and tasting my smore melt as i savor it in my mouth. I can hear the owls, and the wolves. I glare at the moon and watch it as it goes behind the clouds. moments of stars and then starless, then stars again. thousands of them. Moving my boots away from the fire because i didn't notice they were starting to smoke and melt. and smiling, because i am not alone in this world. I have those who will go with me and live life along side of me. seeing them through campfire lighting, my favorite way to see.

but without thinking about that, seeing it, almost smelling it, i might not ever make it through the packing, and planning. i think most people loose sight of the unseen. and the danger of that is they begin to believe this is it for them. Like creating teh ending to the story of Cinderella that wasn't meant to be, they change the way they were made to live. And because of that, they aren't truly living.

ok, enough babblings for now.

So...here we go!

So i thought i would start my blog. I am not sure exactly what i will be saying, or how often. I actually prefer writing on actual paper, which is why i have never started a blog. but then i started thinking of my communication with my wonderful husband and thought it might be a good way to keep in touch during the crazy hours that we hold. I often miss him during the day because he sleeps and then at night he works. but hopefully not for long. I wish he could just be creative. Hopefully soon. I must warn anyone who might be interested in my thoughts that i am a mis-speller, and punctuation isn't my strong hand either. But this is me. And that is all that matters.

alone

it is strange how I can be in a room and feel alone. My life is filled with love, laughter, friends, family, yet something happens at the end of the day. I sit and think alone. I wonder when my Savior will be coming for me, knowing I am not really alone, yet I still want to cry. My suffering is endured by my companions only for a moment, then, one after another, year after year, they disappear. And I am left alone again. In the moment of tears I DO have a shoulder to give my tears to, but after the tears have left their mark, and those that bear them walk away living, I sit again. No tears. No words. Nothing. Just silence. And wonderings of when my Savior will come again. Will my life always be this way? Avoidance of the issues I can’t control until I am left in silence long enough to proclaim sanity? Maybe. Maybe. Others have their lives to live. They cry tears and then goodness comes. I sit still and wait. And wait. And wait. Watching others misfortunes turn to gold. I am happy for them. They deserve it, mostly because God loves them. But…He loves me too. Isn’t that enough for me? Can it be? Alone, huh, yeah right. All that I see with my open eyes screams to me alone. I know when I close my eyes there is a world going on around me that only I can feel. Only my shut eyed spirit can grasp through belief. Almost even touching it with physical-ness. But my flesh demands that my eyes open again, and the spirit feels gone. Yet I know it lingers to me, on me, in...me. Alone, I am only alone in the sense that I am the only one who believes that word is impossible.