dreams and such

So i have wasted all of my time that i wanted to write by trying to get to this page so i CAN write. Even with drew's great directions i was for some reason trying to create a new blog. Maybe this blogging thing is not for me.

But i will keep on because when i get frustrated about things and feel stupid inside, i remember Edison and how i have been told he tried hundreds of time before he discovered electricity. That is a lot of failing, but i am thankful he didn't give up. i like my hot water and my coffee maker. yes, i know, there would be other ways, but hey, i wouldn't be on the computer now would i?

i am realizing some of you might read my blogs and get to know the 'real' me. So, i guess that is the way it goes. you just might walk away going, wow, she is weird or better yet, mental. but i have decided i am ok with that.

I just remembered how i dreamed last night that i flipped off ryan during a show. it is strange though because the crowd was like a festival or something, but we don't do festivals. and i was mad at ryan about something and so i flipped him off. The crowd saw it, but i didn't care. i always dream. every night i dream of something. sometimes they are just silly, but my brother kelly tells me no dreams are silly. some are just harder to figure out. i think he is the smartest person i know. i have been tempted so often to send him all of my dreams and tell him to figure them out for me. or give me the deep meaning behind me running down my high school hallway with no pants on, or in this case flipping off ryan during a show. But i am afraid of bombarding him with meaningless dreams. and when i really do get one i want to know about, i don't want to use up all of my 'dream meaning' time with high school days, ya know?

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you thought for sure it really happened? i have had a few of them. and honestly, i am still not sure it didn't happen. i still expect to see some of the items that were in my dream. someone gave me a book in the dream and it was the most beautiful book i have ever seen. filled with events in my life, and things that mean the most to me. when i woke up from the dream i cried. i felt it was SO real. I was at an otb show and i had to (after waking up from this dream) some how shake off this dream and get in the van and go to eat dinner with the sponsor. it messed me up for the rest of the night. Maybe dreams are why i like the matrix so much. there is a difference between the dream world and reality, but we just are not sure which is which. we can think we are living in reality (my dad used to tell me, 'wait till you are in the real world!'. I should have told him I could hardly wait, and i couldn't wait till he got there either! dang, 15 years and now i think of what to say to that comment. figures.) yet i don't really believe this is the REAL life, but just something we are in for only 100 years. that is not a very long time. i know it seems like a long time--like when i sit in the doctors office waiting...waiting...waiting... but soon enough the doctor comes. I am trying to live a life in the 'dream' i can not see yet. i feel it in my bones, and i know that it is there, calling me back..home. but i am stuck here for a time.

This is NOT the adventure. this is like the painful sucky time where we have to get ready for the adventure. you know, like when i go camping. packing the truck, getting the food ready, what will i wear, where should we go, do you have the map?, don't forget the hiking shoes, and the extra cash, and the good music. then finally, we are in the truck. only to turn around and go back in, because we forgot our coffee. (can't tell you how often we do that) when i go camping. Drew HATES the getting ready. he looks at me and shakes his head. he doesn't like all the stuff I do to get ready to go. But i keep working, planning for one reason. Campfire. there are lots of things i love about camping, but the one thing i love the most, is the campfire. as i pack up, i can see myself sitting there smelling the wood burn and tasting my smore melt as i savor it in my mouth. I can hear the owls, and the wolves. I glare at the moon and watch it as it goes behind the clouds. moments of stars and then starless, then stars again. thousands of them. Moving my boots away from the fire because i didn't notice they were starting to smoke and melt. and smiling, because i am not alone in this world. I have those who will go with me and live life along side of me. seeing them through campfire lighting, my favorite way to see.

but without thinking about that, seeing it, almost smelling it, i might not ever make it through the packing, and planning. i think most people loose sight of the unseen. and the danger of that is they begin to believe this is it for them. Like creating teh ending to the story of Cinderella that wasn't meant to be, they change the way they were made to live. And because of that, they aren't truly living.

ok, enough babblings for now.