Paranoia and jingle bells

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a strange and wonderful time of year. It's the time when children are giddy and adults want to sleep. The last few Christmases have been a bit emotional for me. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because even though this season is about Jesus and giving to others, Christmas is also about the wonder of kids. Watching the kids as they see the Christmas lights and as they're forced to sit on creepy Santa's lap. Watching them buy gifts from the school store for their family (and maybe one for themselves-this happened to my friend! haha). Watching their excitement on Christmas eve, putting out cookies and milk and of course watching them get up early and unwrap gifts. We grew up being those kids; we watched movies that display this "normalcy."  The childlike wonder on Christmas morning is amazing.  I've realized I'm brutally tied to Christmas memories of the past and as I get older the realization of my Christmas present gets more painful.  I wake up, not early. I hear no noise. I see no footie pajamas. The early morning Christmas hours seem to cry of emptiness to me.

I do however feel love. I feel a warm shower and amazing food. I feel overwhelmed by love and kindness from a group of people that are my family. Too many gifts to count. So blessed. I even got a gift that says, "We are Blessed." And we are.

But as I woke this morning, I just felt sad. I was reminded of 2 Christmases ago when we went through fertility treatments and I started my period a few days before Christmas. So the Christmas we were going to "announce we are pregnant" became the Christmas of emotions and disappointments. But I was again surrounded by love and family and again I was thankful.

Midday today I became overwhelmed with fear and paranoia.  It's the fear and paranoia that most women feel during this entire process. I haven't had that. I've been so amazingly covered by friends and family in prayer that God's Peace has been covering me. For real. I don't know how else to describe it.  But today a little fear seeped in. And that led to me feeling paranoid and sick to my stomach.  A found myself going to the bathroom over and over to see if I've started yet. I REFUSE to live like this. This type of behavior is NOT of God and I WILL NOT live the next week or so like this.  Please keep praying for us.

I'm taking medicine that mimics period cramping. My nurse told me I have lots of hormones in me right now so I'm to take care of myself and know that I might be emotional etc. The doctor told me that even if I start spotting or bleeding that doesn't meant that I'm not pregnant. That we had 3 embryos put in us and we wont know for sure until the pregnancy test.

We got back to the house and Drew and I spent some time in prayer. We cast out fear and replaced it with God's truth.  The truth that we are loved and not forgotten. I cried out my emotion and my heart for loneliness, not just for me, but for others that have lived without.  God has an amazing plan for our lives and we are right in the middle of it. He has amazing things to do in our lives. He LOVES to bring WONDER to our lives. The wonder that shows up in the middle of an ultrasound and says, "see those 3 embryos? Now do you see my presence with them?" I know God is with them. I trust Him. If failure knocks on my door and makes its home in my garden, I will not feed it, but keep building my garden around it. And on it. And in it. Until one day it starts to resemble joy.

But until next week when we know for sure, I will cling to Hope.

Hiding in His Wings for another day.