The Blank Page

There comes a time in ones life, where there is nothing to say.

Yesterday I decided to write a book on what NOT to say in times of crisis. But I also realize humans feel the need to fix things, and when we can not fix it, we MUST at the very least, say something, anything, just to feel like we are doing. But what we should do, or say is nothing.

I have met a woman whose outlook is always about God. His plan. His way. His peace. His, His, His. His name was on her lips, in her tone, felt on her breath. I sat in the room hearing the news no new mom wants to hear, and cried. Weeped is more like it. I think I was crying more than she, but I know that isn't true. There is no comparisons in sorrow. There is no time. There is nothing, but weeping, sorrow. And she says, "I know God is going to use this to help the church". His people. I wondered where that kind of strength comes from? I sat in awe.

I must admit I come around to those conclusions eventually. The key word there is EVENTUALLY. I first cry and wonder why God hates me. Then I just get sad and don't want to even think of God while hiding in my room for a day. (I always give myself a day of mourning, or selfishness. Not sure why just one day, but I guess I just decided that was the day I would be selfish. I deserved that, right?) After the hiding is over, I read, pray, cry more, and decide that God is still God and He is still in control (as if He ever wasn't).

I know everyone deals with things differently. I figured the morning after, that is when it will be bad for her. I will walk into her house and it will be horrible. But I was wrong. Yes, she looked tired, she should be, but she looked great too. She was out of bed, showered, make up on, hair done...she was living. Amazed I sat down and we decided to go see a movie, just to laugh a little.

Life just isn't fair. I have thought this so often in my life. I still think it is true, it isn't fair, and it never will be. It is a fallen world, Lord come quickly. And then He does, as a little bundle of joy comes in and says, "Mama!" and gives her a hug. And then says, "caca" which actually means cracker. Smiles. He sends his perfect timing into play, making all things come together for His glory...and for hers.

She had her first therapy session today. (We all have shrinks now, don't we? Lord knows we all need them) Not sure she wants the world to know that, but I was amazed she went. As she described it to me, I was speechless. It was one big bible encouragement session. She was blessed, and encouraged. Her therapist prayed for her that morning before she even met her. God. He is here. One thing she was told was that at conception a soul lives within her. And God doesn't see time, He doesn't live by that, so when we feel like we have a life time to live, that is true, but that is not equal to others. Lifetime could mean 5 weeks and 2 days. And that all things are created for purpose, and so the baby was created for PURPOSE. And if we didn't know what that was yet, God would surely reveal it in time. That all that was happening wasn't for waste. I wondered, was it an angel she was listening to? The words seemed so full of wisdom. she was blessed.

The worst part to me is thinking about the body rejecting (and I HATE that word) what is in her now. The pain, the evidence, the dreams. I have struggled for years with watching what could have been being flushed, but to know it was...it is too much. I hurt for her to go through it. I feel apart of her in some way. I keep picturing her having to go through the procedure tomorrow, and I want to run to her and steal her away. I know it has to be done, but it seems surreal. And I know it has happened to most mom's that I know. Some even several times. It is something I fear. Yet, I look at this woman filled with recent pain, and watch her strength..HIS strength, and I pray for that. To realize what is His, is His.

So I am thinking about how she will feel once she wakes up tomorrow after the anistesia wears off, and I pray God will fill that empty place in her womb with Himself. And it will be called Peace.

random thoughts, written on a blank page.