spin, spin, spin

Spinning out of control:

I sat in the church as i watched Eden spin. She has been spinning a lot lately, just for fun. She turns her body and flies her arms round and round until she finally falls over in laughter. And i tried to spin with her, to quickly find out she spins longer than i do. I get dizzy before she does and wonder if it is because she is closer to the ground? And my spinning doesn't end with giggles, but with this feeling of nausea. So as i sat and tried to not puke I watched her spin more. More spinning. More giggling. And that is when i began to wonder, at what age did i stop liking the feeling of being out of control?

I remember being a child and flipping on this bar thing that was in our back yard. It was really a large pipe from an old well, but to me, it was a playground. I would spin and spin on that thing as the old paint chipped off into my palms. I didn't mind, i was out of control. I would eventually let go and land on the ground watching the clouds spiral around me. And i smiled. Why did I smile? Why did i like that? I am still not sure.

But my real question is, when did i STOP liking it? At what point in my life did i decide feeling out of control wasn't fun? It could have been when i wanted more independence. I got a 'real' job working at Ponderosa Steakhouse when i was a sophomore in high school. Yes, i was the buffet queen, honestly, I was one of the best, and i took pride in always having the potatoes full and the bread hot. And every friday, i would get paid. A real paycheck that i could spend how ever I wanted. I remember buying my first 'stereo' and my first c.d. (they had just come out you know!), The Little Mermaid soundtrack. Embarrassing i know, but true. I thought i was the coolest. I then 'stepped up' to working at JC Penny's in the jewelry department and I bought a few gaudy pieces, because, why not? It was the 80's and I was starting to be cool. I was working, and it was MY money, right? And then...i was off, Independence. I was in control.

At some point several years later i recognized that I wasn't supposed to be in control. That was sort of foreign to me, and liberating. I was supposed to be making my decisions based on God? hmmmm. I had to think about that, but began i slow process of actually trying it. I gave Him a few decisions to see if He could handle it, and i couldn't believe it when He could. Now it seems i struggle to allow the Lord to take back the control that i stole from Him. I lost my focus thinking i could make the rules and the decisions. ugh. backtracking is not fun. Relearning, rethinking, retraining, is not fun.

And what is up with the falling? Who laughs when they fall? Yet giggles galour is what i heard coming from Eden. What was she trying to tell me, that falling is fun? I don't think that was it. Maybe it is more than the fall. I have watched Eden get hit in the head from lack of feet control probably 100 times, i mean, give her a break, she is one. But she keeps going, keeps giggling. Strange. So it has to be more than just the temporary pain of the fall. Yes, yes, she has a diaper to cushion her, but I don't think she cares. I think she just likes to feel, well, out of control.
But if only I could somehow get back those feelings of spinning round and round. If there was a way to reach out and say, "My arms are out, i am going around AND it will be ok when i fall!". But instead, I avoid falling as much as possible. I avoid the point where i sit still because i have to, I can't walk; too dizzy.

Where is my giggle i long for? I believe it is lost in the spin I am fearful of.