April 30, 2005 Conyers GA
It is raining, and i am sneezing. It is the first thunderstorm of the season and I love it. I saw the lighting a bit this morning and heard the thunder roll. It was great except for the fact that i didn't want to get out of bed. So i took my shower and crawled back in for 5 to 10 minute increments until I had to get ready.
I feel tired. The past week has not been very fun for me. I don't usually like to talk about my 'hard times' because i don't feel like they are as hard as other people's. I know that sounds stupid, but I guess i just look around and think, i know i feel sad or upset, but compared to other people's lives, my 'troubles' seem...I don't know the word.
Yesterday i wondered if Mother Theresa ever felt sad, or frustrated. I heard one time that her feet were deformed because she would give up her shoes for others. And when she would finally get a pair, they would be too small, which eventually, deformed her feet. I wonder if she regretted that ever. Or just felt like giving up. But then again, she was always surrounded with people dying, and she had life. So maybe she had a constant reminder of her blessing of life. She would spend day after day serving, without complaint. Very remarkable. But it is in these times that i wish I could know her. i mean not like the Mother Theresa saint that everyone 'knows', but the real her. To hear how she dealt with days of frustration and sadness. I know she must have had them.
As i sat in my bunk all day on Thursday, i just wanted a place to be alone and cry, and think. One of the bad things about travel, ministry, and living constantly with 6 other people. Everyone wanted me to know they loved me, and i did know that. But i still just need time. I just needed to sit with Jesus awhile. We were silent for a long time. I thought about how people have had experiences with the Lord in times of silence and 'trouble'. So i waited. But nothing happened. No revelation, no words, no hand holding, no peace. The only thing i felt like i was left with was my determination to continue this journey.
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
1 comment:
I know this blog is about you, but through it I experienced a glimmer of peace for myself tonight. Those moments of quiet can be quite a lot like torture if you don't learn to accept that sometimes you won't hear a whole lot...and that the answers aren't easily accessed. I have issues with this, and ofter sacrifice moments of consistancy in an urgent need of revelation ( when I want something I want it right away, but if I'm happy with what I have forget about being quiet or still.). I don't know if it makes sense, but I'm inspired to stick out the quiet moments even when I don't 'feel' something big. That's alright.
I hope you're feeling better...the cool thing about God is that he wants it all, even when we feel it's just a bunch of whining. I'm learning that anyways.
I love ya. I'm glad I figured out how to comment here :)
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